How long did it take you to get engaged and married?

[quaeritur]

We've got the variation on Audrey Hepburn's theme...

Met in college, started dating when I was 19 and he was 22. After a few blissful months, he graduated (1991) and went into the AF. I graduated a year early (May 1992) and moved back in with my parents, in Holland. We maintained a long-distance relationship during that whole time. In two years we'd only spent 6 months actually together in one place. He proposed in December 1992 and we were to be married in April 1993.

NOTHING was working out timing-wise. Then we had our first big fight. And THEN I realized I was marrying the right guy, but for all the wrong reasons -to get away from home, because I was sick of the long-distance thing, to do something different, because I was afraid I'd never find someone else (yeah, real low self-esteem issues, and he was my only BF ever). So I took the biggest risk of my life and broke it off to go and grow up and become my own person. I'd led a very sheltered and parentally controlled life, I didn't want to get married because it was the "safe and easy" choice, or to escape my parents. I wanted to know I was marrying this great guy because I wanted to be with him. It was a risk because I didn't know how long I'd need on my own or whether he'd wait around.

I thank God every day that he did. I spent three years traveling -lived in Paris for a year while I got my Masters, then New York for a year, DC for a year... I dated a few other guys, but nobody measured up to Eric. Finally, when I was living in DC, his Air Force commitment was up and we decided to give it another try. It was like coming home. He moved in in April, we bought a house in August, and got engaged in November. Got married the following September, me at 26 and him at 29, and we're coming up on seven years. Can't imagine anything better than the last seven years with him. We've both changed a lot over the course of our relationship and during our time apart, as have our dreams and plans, but we seem to grow into a tighter and closer fit with each passing day.

Still, I'm glad I took that time to myself. I never doubted that he was "the one" but I was able to come back to the relationship a more whole, happy, and strong person, with the knowledge that I was doing well on my own, but that I was choosing to be with him. When we first started dating, I felt like we added up to less than two people because I was so incomplete. Now, I feel like the two of us together add up to more than two individuals, that our relationship is stronger because of the hardships and sacrifices it endured. And we are still discovering new and wonderful things about each other!

Wow... sorry that was SOOOOO long!!!

 

[bar01]

Very interesting discussion.

My first marriage - I met my future wife in college. We lived together for almost 9 years and then got married.

Now I am somewhat older and have been dating a wonderful woman for about 8 months. We have been discussing marriage and going over all the things ChoCho mentioned ----which is very important.

Anyway - I agree with some of the other posts - A year is a good time frame to make a decision if you are 30 or older. If you are in your early to mid 20's maybe 2 -3 years is better - but each person is different.

I do wish that EVERY couple would take the time to discuss all the issues ChoCho mentioned - and MUCH MORE. Love is not enough to make a marriage work.

Good luck.

 

[Superidealist]

My wife and I dated for about seven years and were engaged for about two years. Our first kiss was at our wedding ceremony. (We're very old fashioned.)

 

[fire&ice]

First, I think some people assimilate into the "being real" phase faster than others. At the time when we met we really were just friends at first - so we were real w/ one another & shared so many common interests including loving to laugh. It truly was a "friendship that caught on fire."

Second, regarding the "love cloud" theory - about 10 years ago someone wrote a book about love & chemical reactions in your body. One thing I distinctly remember is the confirmation of the "7 year itch". This may be a bunch of gobbelty goup - but, supposely after about 7 years you stop having a certain chemical response to love. It is only at that time that you can experience a higher non cognitive level of love in the form of deep love or bond. Some people never can move to the next level; but, those that do are happier. But, on the flip side, some experience this loss of chemical reaction as a loss of "love" when in fact it is just the opposite. Don't know - but there is something to that 7 year itch.

Edited to add: sorry - the book did outline several levels of love prior to the 7 years. The book suggests a certain "love cloud" early on in the courtship.

 

[aljdewey]

----------------
On 8/4/2004 3:44:04 PM wonka27 wrote:

Cool alj! Congrats

Do you still work together??? I know that is a hot topic with dating...the 'don't mix work and dating together idea'.----------------

Wonka, yes we do still work together. We work on separate floors of the same building...our paths seldom cross during the day except when we lunch together. I'm in sales, and he's in IT, so our professional lives don't intersect much.

Funny, because I've ALWAYS had a mindset against dating people from work. I just don't think it's wise. If he had asked me out on a date initially, I'd have likely declined for that very reason.

However, our relationship didn't evolve that way. Our company has a few corporate social events a year for the purpose of encouraging employees to become more familiar with one another and promote a collegial atmosphere. At one of these events (a pool tournament), we drew each other's teams. We each realized the other could really play.

Both of us are pool enthusiasts who had migrated away from the game because we didn't have someone of similar skill level to play. We began playing (just as friends) once a week after work (8-hour marathons, we're both pool junkies!). That developed into playing twice a week (we were having such a good time). We really got to know each other. He's fairly introverted, but over time, as you spend that much time with someone, you kinda *have* to talk at some point!

That's how the relationship developed into romance. I think it occurred to both of us at closely the same time, and it was about 2 weeks before he actually kissed me. From there, it was warp speed. By the end of the following week, he came to my house and pretty much never went home! We knew immediately, and it's been a great fit.

Subsequently, I've learned just how many people DO meet their spouses at work...and so many have been married a long time. I still wouldn't recommend approaching the workplace as a dating service, but I wouldn't be as quick today to rule out relationships.

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
Subsequently, I've learned just how many people DO meet their spouses at work...and so many have been married a long time. I still wouldn't recommend approaching the workplace as a dating service, but I wouldn't be as quick today to rule out relationships.----------------

Actually the statistics are quite high. If I recall correctly, it could be the number one place to meet a partner. That said, one the down side, I believe it is also the number one place to meet an "affair" partner.

 

[wonka27]

This is all great stuff...thank you all so much

 

[sparkler29]

Wow, everyone's story is so different! I'll throw mine in now. Met my BF about five years ago, but I was dating someone else. We had an immediate connection personality-wise, but I didn't see him again for about 5 months after that. By that time my other relationship had ended, and by chance I met my BF again at a 4th of July party. Our connection was there right away again, and after the party I hinted to our mutual friend that this guy was "REALLY great". She didn't quite catch on to my hints, but two days later she called me to tell me that he wanted to ask me out. And the rest is history.

Five years have passed, and we have had many ups and downs. Our relationship has always been strong, but my BF has had to deal with a lot of doubts about the institution of marriage. He comes from a family with a lot of problems, and needless to say is cynical about marriage. Many of the people he knows do not have positive relationships. He has learned a lot about the positive things about marriage, especially from my parents who have been happily married for over 30 years. However, it's been a long road and I've had to be extremely patient with him. It's almost like going back to basics, and really dissecting WHY people get married. We have always wanted to be together, but truly my BF would be happy to just keep things the way they've always been without getting married. It's hard for him to picture himself in the role of husband because he never had a positive role model and isn't sure how it "works." As you can probably tell, he's a complicated person who analyzes everything! We have had many many discussions about these issues, and I think that more people should do the same. We have lived together for several years now, both in California and NYC. We're currently looking to buy an apartment. I told him that I couldn't wait much longer without getting married - I'm 30 now and he's 34. Time has a way of just rushing by. Now we're on the same page and he is more comfortable with getting married. Most likely we'll be engaged by the end of the summer.

We are so in love, and that love continues to grow every day. But like many others have suggested, take the time to really get to know your partner, both the good and the bad. Most people who know my situation say that they wouldn't have the patience I've had. But to me, I don't regret it for a minute - we have both grown tremendously as individuals and as a couple. All of our discussions have helped us determine what is important in life.

 

[Hest88]

We first met in 1989, when I was in college and took a part-time job working at the same organization he worked at. Incidentally, he interviewed and trained me, and we were working together during the Loma Prieta earthquake. I left the organization after a semester.

Fast forward 8 years later, after my subsequent marriage and divorce, we bumped into each other very briefly. Fast forward another year he showed up on my doorstep (literally--he didn't know my phone number but knew where I lived) and asked me out. We were pretty much on the marriage track after the 2nd date. Since I never wanted to be divorced again, I insisted we wait 3 years until the wedding to be absolutely sure. We ended up having the wedding about 3 months shy of our first date.

 

[quaeritur]

----------------
On 8/5/2004 10:38:40 AM fire&ice wrote:

----------------
Subsequently, I've learned just how many people DO meet their spouses at work...and so many have been married a long time. I still wouldn't recommend approaching the workplace as a dating service, but I wouldn't be as quick today to rule out relationships.----------------

Actually the statistics are quite high. If I recall correctly, it could be the number one place to meet a partner. That said, one the down side, I believe it is also the number one place to meet an 'affair' partner.
----------------

Well, the upside meeting your partner at work and marrying them... that's probably not where the "affair partner" will crop up!

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Everyone's stories are cool!

Here's mine: met FI at work (at a federal job, no less! There are few young people at my agency) as we sat in cubes next to each other. Were just friends, as I had a serious boyfriend whom I almost ended up marrying. FI left for another fed agency after a year, and shortly after that, my other relationship ended. We started dating and were together for 10.5 months before getting engaged. We're getting married in almost 2 months, so it'll be about 12.5 month engagement. We've been dating for almost 2 years, have known each other for 3.

He and I talked A LOT about marriage, futures, goals, and challenges way before we actually got engaged. I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page before things progressed, then only to find out that we really weren't right for each other. No point in wasting time on a non-starter.

Good luck!

 

[wonka27]

Thank you so much for the stories

 

[Judi W]

Met and married my husband within 5 months! That was 31 years ago!!! (happy to dispense "advise" to those of you about to take the plunge!)He was visiting his brother who bowled on my Dad's team. We grew up on opposite sides of the world...and we are as different as night and day ..guess it was just meant to be!

 

[wonka27]

I think 5 months takes the cake so far on marrage. And 31 years together to boot.

Don't they make movies about stuff like this

 

[Judi W]

----------------
On 8/5/2004 3:41:51 PM wonka27 wrote:





I think 5 months takes the cake so far on marrage. And 31 years together to boot.

Don't they make movies about stuff like this
----------------

What can I say???? Right time, right place, right man......and I'm a true believer in "meant to be". A lot of pride swallowing and sticking together through the tough times....and before you know it...the kids are grown and we're right back where we started....only 31 years later!!!!

 

[Mari]

It took us nearly 7 years to get engaged.

We met when I was still living in France and he was living in London (I was on a weekend trip to London)

Lived in different countries for a year and a half, then I moved to London and lived in student halls for a year, though we spent so much time together it made no sence at all for me to keep my room so we moved in toghether.

2 years later we bought a flat, and 2.5 years after that he popped the question.

We'll get married next May and that will make it over 8 years.

Mari

 

[MelissaSue]

My soon to be fiance and I met at work too. It was a summer job after my freshman year of college. The first summer we HATED each other. I could not stand him.. He was a year younger than me, and at that point it made a big difference. The second summer we both came back to work, and things were immediately different. He had definitely grown up and I probably had too. I had a gigantic crush on him.. but of course never said anything because I was very shy about that sort of thing. But we spent a lot of time at work together, went on lunch breaks together etc.. After that we both went back to college and didn't hear much from each other for a year or so.. Talked occasionally on instant messenger.. but then another summer came in which we didnt work together, (But lived in the same town) and we never saw each other.. Finally when we both went back to school, now my junior year of college, two full years after we first met..We started talking more frequently on instant messenger, and over that thanksgiving break we finally SAW each other again, after like a year and a half! I wasn't ready for a real date yet, so I was trying to make it a group excursion, but it ended up being him and I and one poor friend of mine who was visiting me from out of town..We had a great time.. and ALMOST kissed at the end of the night (my friend had to scramble out of the back seat of the car when she saw this developing).. but we didn't kiss for some reason.. got scared I guess..
So we went back to school for month.. and our IM conversations were WEIRD.. we had no idea what to say to each other, so most often said nothing.. I thought he had no interest in me... and I had blown it.. but the day before i knew he was coming home for winter break, I sent him a message with my phone number and some threat like "You'd BETTER call me over break.. or I'll beat you up.." I remember that he didn't respond right away, but I think it was after I had gone to sleep so I saw it in the morning, that he would indeed call me.. Sure enough, that VERY weekend he called me, to be his date for a work christmas party. BUT, i wasn't done with school yet, and had to be back at school (about an hour away from my house) at 9am for a final exam the day after his party, and had a thing planned with my friends on the same night as his party.. so I couldn't go.. and I was SOOOO upset.. but we talked on the phone that night for two hours.. and I wasn't too worried that I had blown it.. He said he would call me and we would go out a couple days after christmas. But..... we live in buffalo, and got hit with 2 feet of snow between christmas eve and the day after christmas... and there were driving bans all over the place.. I was going absolutely INSANE in my house..I remember bursting into tears several times because i was stuck in my house, and he hadn't called, and I couldn't take it any more.. Finally he called, i don't remember if it was the day of, or the day before our first date, but our first date was December 30th, 2001, and we actually kissed that time.. We didn't make any plans to see each other on new years eve because I had to work until like 11, but I was still a little disappointed.. and I still wasn't like CONVINCED that he would call me again.. but my mom called me at work on new years eve to inform me that he did indeed call again.. and the rest is history..
THAT WAS LONG
Well its now 2 and a half years later, we are soon to be engaged (within a week or so I hope). I am starting my 2nd year of my masters now, he still has a year left of undergrad, because he ended up transferring to be closer to me..
We are hoping to get married sometime next summer, ideally july, but really whenever we can get a good ceremony and reception site.
YAY!
Melissa

 

[kkeen15]

Lauren523 and I have very similar stories!

Met in sixth grade (I remember noticing him as a hottie on the first day of school)
Started dating in tenth grade (he and his mom picked me up b/c he only had his learner's permit)
Became engaged January 1, 2004
Moved in together January 2004 when I moved to Korea to live w/ him
Getting married October 2005

It will have been 8.5 years together when we get married. I wouldn't change it for the world.

 

[Momoftwo]

Met when I was 18, he was 21. Engaged 27 months later and married 7 months after that. Never lived together and never would before marriage. Been married 23 years, have two children, 20 and 18. You may think you know right away, but my experience with friends and family, 2-3 years gives you enough time to get past the "hormone" induced time and really know what you want. Everyone is different, but give yourself some time.

 

[bkslim]

My first date with my wife was on Dec 28, 2002 at California Adventure. Had a great time! We got engaged on December 20, 2003. Just got married on August 28, 2004. I am 29 and she is 26. She is my first love and my one and only true love. I have been so blessed to have her in my life and to experience life together with her.

 

[rfath]

I've been seeing my future fiance for 6.5 years, living with him for, oh.. 6 of them. We're planning engagement sometime before the end of the year, hopefully. I don't think I'd recommend my path to anyone!

I initially met him online while looking for some help with my computer. I was 18 and he was 21. I was in Ohio and he was in Massachusetts. I got terribly burnt out and depressed at school, so took off one weekend to meet him. Didn't have a place to stay, so I stayed with him in his apartment along with a large group of fellow online friends.

I transferred myself to a school in Massachusetts the next semester. I'm fairly certain that my parents would still say that I ran away from home... Again, no place to stay, so... moved in with him again. Kept a low profile from family (families can get VERY hateful!).

So now I'm 25... We've both really grown and changed in a lot of ways. Things haven't been easy, but we've gotten through the challenges thus far. Who knows when we'll actually get married.. We've been planning on marrying since a few months into the relationship but haven't had the money or time to plan anything.

 

[Queenofhearts]

I have been dating my gentlemen for a total of 3 1/2 years. I know he is the one that is for me. I am hoping that there is an engagement in the near future. So I say Bravo to anyone out there that has taken that step forward.

 

[Ivy]

We had dated for almost 3 years, then got engaged in December 2003. After attempting to plan a "formal" wedding, we scrapped all the plans and got married in Jamaica this past July 2004. It was wonderful. It was a second marriage for both. Sometimes it's difficult to please everyone during the planning of such a exciting event (and sometimes impossible). Our wedding was everything we wanted it to be. I'd never been so sure about anything in my life. You know when it's the right time and the right one, you just know. It shouldn't matter what anyone feels regarding when or how things should be done.

I look forward to waking up every morning to my husband and caring for my new family (I now have a 15 yr. old son...in addition to my 14 yr. old daughter). I feel blessed every day for the new love in my heart.

 

[kewlgirl]

I met my current boyfriend on his birthday by accident. I crossed paths with his cousin through work who announced it was his cousin''s birthday so I stopped by to wish him a happy birthday and here we are. We''ve been inseparable since!

Although we''ve only been dating a few months he''s already told me that he knows I''m "the one" and I feel it''s mutual but he is giving me more time since I have had bad relationships before and he wants to make sure I''m comfortable and know that it''s right.

He''s been married/divorced before by a woman who cheated/lied and he has a 2-year-old daughter. The odd thing is I never pictured myself dating a guy with so much baggage but it just seems right! It''s worth every bit. (I''m 26, he''s 30).

I''m already starting to daydream about engagement rings and wedding plans but know in my heart it''s only a matter of time before I really can start making plans!

 

[Nicrez]

My guy (Rand) and I met through mutual friends at the food store in August of 2003. They had been dating, and they started to talk, so we got stuck with each other. Luckily we both were attracted immediately. After several birthdays and parties seeing each other, I finally gave in to his relentless flirtations and joined him for a "casual lunch".

We became friends immediately (around October) and since we worked a block away from each other we would go out to lunch and constantly e-mail and take walks. By January (the Superbowl to be exact) we had finally taken the pludge to "officially date" and a week later, we basically knew we were going to be engaged by the end of the year. After dating for 6 months, we moved in together in July of last year, and got engaged this March, even though we wanted to get engaged sooner, but he wasnted to save more money for a nicer ring.

I have to say that living with him is honestly the best way we have grown together and really gotten to know one another. I would say that living together actually made me CLOSER to him and we have definately gotten our issues worked out for the most part NOW, versus after marraige. Although our parents almost had a heart attack at our decision to move in together before marraige, they realize that neither one of us is simply "shacking up" and our commitment to each other has only strengthen as we practically are married anyway!

But we knew we were going to get married about a week into our relationship!

 

[Libster]

I was to have been married in December of 1988. Wedding was planned, had met with the Minister, bought the dress, everything was DONE!!! Then he got cold feet and to this day I thank God that he did. It would have been a disaster, we had dated for 2 years gotten engaged and were engaged for 1 year when all of this happened. Then........

We called off the wedding in September of 1988, and I met my future husband and his identical twin brother in October and went on a couple of dates with the twin, all the while my future husband relentlessly pursuing me for a date with "hey, I look just like my brother." LOL

We had our first date on Halloween that year and both dated others until December. Moved in together in June of the following year, he proposed in August and we were married in October 1989. Married even before we had been dating a year

Just celebrated our 15 year anniversary and still madly in love

My husband is my best friend, and we started out that way, friends first. I could always be myself with him, and he loved me no matter what. We had many discussions about our desires and dreams and had a desire to pursue them together. Also for us, this is something we are committed to. Marriage is the hardest thing I''ve ever done and the most rewarding at the same time. You never know what hand you will be dealt in life and you should choose a partner who not only can grow, but grow with you and someone who you know you can count on to face all of lifes changes.

 

[abradabra]

Oh fun!

I met my fiance through mutual friends my freshman year of college. We went on a date, but he was graduating soon (like 5 weeks or something like that) so I didn''t exactly trust his intentions! After he graduated, we kept in touch in touch and started dating a few months later, even though it was long distance. We did the whole distance thing for two and a half years and then when I graduated, I moved to be near him. I remember being really nervous about that because it''s pretty easy to be in a long distance relationship in college: you have all the time in the world for your friends and a steady formal date that you adore, but I was worried if we''d actually like each other when we saw each other all the time.

Needless to say, things got even better when we lived in the same city--I never could have imagined being that happy. We got engaged a few weeks ago and will be married it September. We will have been together a little over five and a half years at that point, which I think is perfect for us since I was 19 when we started dating and needed to be independent before I felt could get married.

Eep! I can''t wait y''all!

 

[JCJD]

Met my boyfriend when I was 14, he was 17, through some mutual friends. We were bowling partners at a friend' 16th bday party, then a week or 2 later, we hung out together (with the group of friends) on our marching band's biannual trip to Disney World, during which time I turned 15, and I developed a huge crush! Keeping in mind that this was HIGH SCHOOL, all of my girlfriends know about my crush in about a week, all of the guyfriends knew in a couple weeks, but he was still clueless! Unbeknownst to me, my best friend told him I liked him about 2 months after my crush began, and then a week or so later, I wrote him a note telling him I liked him too! Fast forward 5 months (during which time I tortured my girlfriends with endless doubting questions!) to 3 weeks before the Homecoming dance when he FINALLY called and asked me out! During the last dance, he asked me to be his girlfriend (I said yes), 3 months later he finally held my hand, first kiss at 8 months of dating (he took FOREVER!!), 4 years of long-distance while I was away at college, and now we've been together for over 7 years, and we should be engaged before 2005!

We'll probably have a summer 2005 wedding, either early or late summer, so maybe only a 7 month engagement!

EDIT: We also worried what would happen when I came back home for grad school - would we hate each other now? Can we only be in this relationship when we're 2 states apart? But it's been almost 2 years in the same city, and we're more in love than ever! The distance really strengthened our communication in particular, and being apart for 10 weeks at a time really forces the relationship out of "makeout/physical mode" and into a more emotional, intellectual one, so we really got to know each other during those 4 years apart. We are really lucky that our relationship worked out so well, and we can't wait to begin our journey of marriage!

 

[irishcaroline]

Hey everyone PLEASE HELP ME, im in serious need of advice......

I have met a guy online he 20 and lives in Louisiana and i am 19 living in Ireland. We started chatting online in jan 2004. At 1st he had a girlfriend and i had a boyfriend but both of us broke up with our partners before the end of jan. It was not because we felt for each other but just happened. Although about a month later in late feb, we got so addicted to chatting to each other, every nite if we could we would chat online. We knew we really liked each other and by april/may we so desperately wanted to meet each other in person. So he booked a ticket and came here to ireland in september 2004 for one week. Before he came we were already at the stage of telling each other that we loved each other. When we met it was totally amazing, by the end of the week we felt like we had been around each other for a long time, and where so comfortable with each other and very sad to part when the week was finished. When he got home, we constantly chatted and arranged to meet up again as soon as we could. I am currently studying at univeristy and he is full time employment. So we both have responsibilities and i was not gonna risk losing time outta univeristy to go there or have him here during the univeristy period. So we have booked for him to come here again in Jan 2005. We are both really excited. Chat on the phone and online all the time. We both trust each other so much and are faithful or else we both would not spend the money on flights. I feel like i know him well, but i know there is still room for knowing more about a person just sometimes you think you know everything. We have been through a lot together even though we are far away from each other because recently i lost my mother in october 2004, i am the oldest child and only girl of 5 children and life has been real hard on me. But he has been soo good and caring, he sometimes is lost for words to help me when i start talking about things but he cares for me so much. But getting to the point a few night ago while we were chatting on the net, he asked me what i would do if he purposed to me when he comes here in jan. I thought he was joking and told him i would not want too because i feel we are still young and i feel i need more time. It turned out he was serious and has already designed and bought a ring for me which was costly. He was very upset and said he understood me and would wait but just felt embarrassed and doesnt know what to do with the ring. Apparently he had told my best friend about purposing to me when he comes in jan and all his friends...most of them think hes crazy. I keep thinking someone cant get engaged after meeting once for a week, even though we have known each other for almost a year now.

I need advice, i dont want to tell any of my friends about it because i know they will think its too soon etc. But i do love him and he loves me. It true that you can never know someone enough to make a decision as we are still learning about ourselves everyday of our lifes. So really it is up to us to follow our hearts when are hearts find love. The long distance is a major part in me not wanting to say yes, although i am planning to go to usa to see him in may 2005 again and then i am hopefully going to usa to work for my internship for university in sept 2005 so i could be with him for about 6 months, i still think i would rather wait until i finish university and we are in the same country together...as he wants to come here to work sometime in the future. I am really confused and dont know what to do or say. Part of me is thinking no because my mother always told me to never rush into marriage and to live my life to the full and now she is gone from me, i feel i have to carry out her wish. but i love this guy so much and can see myself marrying him in the future no doubt. but i just doubt being engaged so soon in jan at the age of 19.

i really need help with this and i am very sorry if i have annoyed you by writing so much but i needed to explain my situation

.

Best Wishes
Caroline

 

[Croí]

IrishCaroline

I could get into a LOT on this so we can take it offlist. get in touch - private message me ........

C