How many of you have gone into debt or are going into debt for your wedding?

[windy1365]

We didn''t mean to spend that much money on our wedding. All the little things added up. I picked out a $1,000 dress... before I knew it, a $1,000 more was added to it for alterations. I was also on a ''high'' with the engagement, so I would pay more for things than I normally would have.

The biggest thing was the reception. I signed up for a package that was about $9k... before I knew it, it was $15k. We were charged for everything extra... even the glasses and chairs that the owner at the wedding place already owned. But...we had already signed a contract, and she didn''t allow outside ''linens'' there.

Now, looking back, I should have set a budget and stuck to it. Yes, I could have gotten just as pretty of a dress for much cheaper...it didn''t have to be a designer dress - it''s not like anyone noticed.

You can still have a nice wedding and reception for your friends for between $5 - $10k if you are very careful and smart about it.

But...if you still want a small, more intimate affair - then elope in Belize!! When we were on our honeymoon in St. Thomas, we saw two weddings on the beach. The bride and groom were barefoot. She was still in a fancy gown.

 

[Nicrez]

That''s why it''s important to make a budget BEFORe you even spend a penny. And if you don''t stick to it, you are then into debt territory...

We had an unfortunate twist of expensive affairs, so we had to spend more based on having to do more... Sad, but lucky we had savings to tap into.

Weddings should not put you out, and just like everyday life, you should never buy it, if you can''t put the cash down. I had a friend who bought a Vera Wang gown for $600. $1000 gown is NEVER just $1000, and that should have been put into the budget WITH alterations.

It pays to do reasearch before you budget, and that''s where the saavy prosper. MANY books and programs out there help you budget, organize and prepare for deals, bargains and sales for a wedding. That''s another great way to save. Local culinary schools can cater weddings for a lot less. Photography students can take pictures for the cost of development and a few hundred more perhaps. Sample sales are a great way to save on gowns. Choosing a place to have a reception that is a government or state park can help eleviate costs and still be scenic.

But if you want to have a fancy wedding, and you can''t afford it, then most people would get sucked into the marketing line, "It''s the most special day, shouldn''t everything be special?" Yeah and anything with the word wedding is 4x the price!

Financial sinks that add up: Wedding cake cutter...$40 Wedding favors...$200+ Wedding cake....$1500+ Matching champagne flutes....$40 Runner for the ceremony $75..... More flowers that will die than necessary and extra $1000+ .... Limos $1500....

All the junk just adds up... cut the fat and you''ll see how much simpler, happier and CHEAPER a wedding can be. Sadly, we didn''t do that till now, a few months before and STILL there is so much we are saving!!!

Good luck and remember be strong. If it doesn''t fit the in budget you can cut it or be creative and find a cheaper solution!

 

[Blue824]

I don''t think you should throw a big reception in hopes of making a ''profit'' on your wedding. That''s great if your family is able to give you large cash gifts, but you''re throwing the party to celebrate with the people you love...not make money off of them. Sorry, just had to comment on that. And try to avoid the debt at all costs! There are sooo many ways to have beautiful weddings on a budget! Just because something is expensive doesn''t mean it is automatically nice. If you come up with a possible budget and see your options maybe that''ll help you decide what you''d rather have.

 

[Nicrez]

I agree with Blue. Wedding receptions are not charity events. These are no unconnected people in your lives who are doling out cash. They are firends and family, or at least they SHOULD be...

We decided long ago that we could not get married in our Island wedding of our dreams because my grandmother can''t travel and so it was NY or bust. So the budget for a NY wedding is like on average $25K, I think, and even that is stretching it! I think national average is $17K but growing.

I think another issue is keeping up appearances. I notice that''s a major way most people decide on e-ring sizes, as well as how MUCH to spend on weddings. My best friend and I are both engaged and planning our weddings, but I am SO jealous that she is having a larger wedding for less. She''s a lot thriftier and has so much help from her family as she is in a BIG italian family where people are generous with time, help and money. So one person will take care of flowers, another will find the caterer who is a friend, one can get the dresses real cheap, etc. Why not rely on family for help?

Also on that note, some people (espeically in NYC) are of a certain social status, so they are pressured into having a certain type of wedding or they risk looking substandard for their peer group. That happened to my friend Julie who had a big NYC wedding at Rockefeller Center, but she was smart and did it in the winter, used the Christmas tree and pointsettas to off set her costs, as well as get a reception in a GORGEOUS place for a lot less through connections. But still, she was pressed to "show off" more, because her social circle sort of demanded anything less would be "cheap", and she was in the business of image...

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/27/2005 8:19:05 AM
Author: Nicrez
. So the budget for a NY wedding is like on average $25K, I think, and even that is stretching it! I think national average is $17K but growing.


Also on that note, some people (espeically in NYC) are of a certain social status, so they are pressured into having a certain type of wedding or they risk looking substandard for their peer group. That happened to my friend Julie who had a big NYC wedding at Rockefeller Center, but she was smart and did it in the winter, used the Christmas tree and pointsettas to off set her costs, as well as get a reception in a GORGEOUS place for a lot less through connections. But still, she was pressed to ''show off'' more, because her social circle sort of demanded anything less would be ''cheap'', and she was in the business of image...

avg wedding $17k + E-ring + honeymoon + etc,etc.i guess a couple needs to save at least $30k for an avg package.

certain social status....not just NYC, it happens in all society.same with the e-ring.

 

[Momoftwo]

Most of the large extravagant weddings I''ve attended didn''t last. The smaller more intimate, backyard receptions have a better track record among my friends and family. When you throw a large expensive bash, you''re doing it for the people attending. You''ll be so busy meeting and greeting and doing all the rituals, you''ll be lucky to eat anything. Sometimes people focus so much on the Wedding and the party, they forget the marriage part and the wedding takes on a life of it''s own. I''ve known two couples who would have broken their engagements, but felt they had to go through with the wedding because of all the expense of non refundables, parental involvment, not wanting to disappoint anyone etc and they ended up staying together for less than 2 years. I still feel the real #1 reason for divorce isn''t money, but the lack of communication about it. 24 years ago we had a 100 people, backyard reception, no music and it cost all of $1500 total. We had a great time and friends still mention it because we had a military ceremony at our church and most had never been to one. It was entertaining to them.

There are ways to cut costs. No one really needs a $5,000 dress. Local bakeries or a friend can do cakes much cheaper than a caterer. Buffets can be done much cheaper and the pre reception cocktail hour doesn''t have to be a big cocktail hour or even involve alcohol. If you feel your family and friends "expect" it from you, I might question their real feelings. Your real friends will just want to celebrate with you no matter what.

 

[kittykat]

It''s really sad, becauase here in LA it''s so expensive. The wedding I was planning was in no way extravagant. I was not going to have flowers or any decorations at the Church, absolutely nothing. The reception was at a restaurant, one of the least expensive venues that I researched ($7600 including drinks). My wedding dress was $400 (not including alterations). I was going to buy floweres in bulk at the flower mart for a really cheap price and do little simple arrangements myself. I really just want to keep it simple, but it''s still expensive and just hard to stomach for just one day. You start to feel a little resentful when other people seem to want the wedding more than you do and expect you to pay for it. So many unexpected costs came with this new house and all the wedding money has essentially gone to that. I don''t have a hard time using our home equity line of credit since the interest is low and tax deductable, but it seems so unwise. Ugh all this wedding business is so complicated!

 

[Mara]

i had a serious aversion to expensive weddings that no one remembers. i have been to tons of weddings and the only thing anyone talks about in the end is was the food good or was the cake good. or the dress or the flowers, but it's usually only a few elements that anyone actually remembers. the rest is all a basic wedding blur.

we were on track to do that same wedding blur here locally mostly for my friends and family and then hit upon the idea thanks to a friend of doing the hawaii thing. it ended up being about 10k cheaper to do it in hawaii. cake was $200 instead of $600 it would have been locally. flowers were decked out for $1000 vs the $2000 it would have been locally for not even as exotic items. food was about $65 per head as opposed to $95 and that included everything, even drinks!

we had the most important people there (about 30) vs the 100 that would have attended locally...and for much more of a rich experience and with memories that not only will we never forget but our friends and family won't either! they also remember MORE than just the cake or the food, in fact those are the things they remember the least and instead they remember the whole 30 of us dancing on the floor under the tent and the DJ playing our favorite songs, they remember how bloody hot it was that night and how all our clothes were sticking to us but we didn't care...they remember taking pictures on the beach at sunset, they remember Greg finishing off the night with a sax performance and the security guy of the plantation had to come tell us to disperse! those are the things i want them to remember...not the food or the cake or my dress.

we saved up for a year and paid 3/4 of it with cash by the day of...paid off the rest within a month or two after. it was a busy year for us, bought a house and got married so last year after the wedding and the house, budget belt was TIGHT for the rest of the year!! but we did what we wanted and it was perfect....so just remember you don't have to do the big expensive wedding because everyone expects it...i wouldn't trade our experience for the world!

 

[kittykat]

Date: 5/27/2005 2:39:51 PM
Author: Mara
i had a serious aversion to expensive weddings that no one remembers. i have been to tons of weddings and the only thing anyone talks about in the end is was the food good or was the cake good. or the dress or the flowers, but it''s usually only a few elements that anyone actually remembers. the rest is all a basic wedding blur.


we were on track to do that same wedding blur here locally mostly for my friends and family and then hit upon the idea thanks to a friend of doing the hawaii thing. it ended up being about 10k cheaper to do it in hawaii, we had the most important people there (about 30) vs the 100 that would have attended locally...and for much more of a rich experience and with memories that not only will we never forget but our friends and family won''t either!


we saved up for a year and a half and paid 3/4 of it with cash by the day of...paid off the rest within a month or two after. it was a busy year for us, bought a house and got married so last year after the wedding and the house, budget belt was TIGHT for the rest of the year!! but we did what we wanted and it was perfect....so just remember you don''t have to do the big expensive wedding because everyone expects it...i wouldn''t trade our experience for the world!

Mara, You seem to have been in a similar situation as me as far as planning something local and wanting to switch it to a destination wedding. I would love to do that, it would be ideal not just to elope, but to have the wedding cheaply in Belize with just a few people that I want there. I just worry that with my wedding planned for November, that it would not be enough notice. How long before you wedding did you decide to do it in Hawaii?

 

[Mara]

the great thing about doing it destination is that it''s usually not as hectic re: timeline as locally...locally they were telling us we had to plan a year and a half in advance....but destination it was like no big deal to plan it whenever. everyone was so laid back.

we got the idea in june, kicked it around for a few months and visited kauai in september, came back determined to do it, and set the wedding for may. we could have done it in march or feb but we wanted the weather to be consistently better. so in reality, the hawaii vendors were fine with ''whenever'', the date was left up to us!

so i had about 8 months to seriously plan...in reality i could have done it in about 4 because i knew what i wanted for most of the items and the beauty of destination for us too was that there were only a handful of vendors to use, so it wasn''t a big deal to choose them (theknot.com hawaii board was soo helpful) and again i wasn''t planning for an elaborate cake or meal like i would have been if i had done it locally.

there''s something about destination that takes away alot of the ''planning stress''...much more of it is out of your hands than locally.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 5/27/2005 2:39:51 PM
Author: Mara
i had a serious aversion to expensive weddings that no one remembers. i have been to tons of weddings and the only thing anyone talks about in the end is was the food good or was the cake good. or the dress or the flowers, but it''s usually only a few elements that anyone actually remembers. the rest is all a basic wedding blur.

Most of the weddings I''ve been to have been a blurr! lol Alcohol is such a huge focus that many simply have too much to drink to recall the little details. . .maybe I''m just a lush (

) hahaha - no seriously, though, our culture IS focused around food and family, so these are the essentials when it comes to presenting a successful celebration rather than having everything match perfectly and be utmost presentable.

If you want a grand wedding, I don''t see a problem with this, but to make life a living hell & rack up HUGE debt for one day just makes me cringe. I hate stressful planning & credit card bills, but this is just me. . .some thrive on both

 

[Bikergirl]

Date: 5/26/2005 12:19:41 AM
Author: Nicrez
Oh and remember that the #1 issue that couples fight over is money and debt... So why add an issue to a new marraige.

I have to say that my blissful engagement was marred by money issues, and we are STILL working out our stress every time we write another check that could completely fund a Sally Struthers effort!

My parents always said that if you concentrate too much on the details you tend to miss the big picture.

You are getting married to spend the rest of your lives together in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, till death do you part. The napkins and bridesmaids gowns matching is not in there.

It truly is a waste to me. My friend so aptly stated. '' if you want to celebrate, then make a big casual party, invite as many people as will show up, make a big banquet, drink until you can''t anymore, dance until you fall asleep and take pictures everytime you see a camera lying around. Because anything else is just to keep up with the Jonses and you will never catch up, because every time you do, the Jonses change.''

That right there is a wise man.

This is basically what we did. Were married in October (7 months now!). We considered a big wedding, but for various reasons (won''t go into detail here) we decided against it. We spent 10 WONDERFUL days in Costa Rica and were married at sunset in the rainforest (we were going to get married on the beach, but it was raining that night). When we came back to town, we had a HUGE reception and invited everyone we knew.

We decorated the hall with bamboo trees (hubby spent three days making bamboo "walls" with fresh bamboo that grows wild near our house), we had palm trees, leis for all of the guests (OK, that''s Hawaii not Costa Rica, but it added to the effect), we had sea shells and tropical flowers for table decorations, grass skirts around the buffet tables, we catered in a fajita bar with beans and rice (very Costa Rican), we really tried to make it seem like we brought Costa Rica home with us. We had pictures of our trip and of the ceremony on display throughout the hall so people could see where we had been.

I had SOOO many people come up to me and say it was the best wedding/reception they had ever been to! People loved it! And when they found out how awesome the wedding was, they didn''t mind so much that we chose to elope. It was DEFINITELY a party. We were there HOURS past what we originally intended!!! I was completely relaxed, totally enjoyed every aspect of the trip, the wedding, and the reception at home.

I especially thought it was cool because I got to wear my beautiful wedding dress twice!

Not saying it''s for everyone, but was definitely the right choice for me and hubby.

Total cost of wedding/honeymoon in Costa Rica, and the decorations/food/music/flowers/reception back home was less that just the ceremony would have been, had we decided to go ahead with the big wedding we discussed. Basically the entire three-week ordeal cost about 1/3 of the cost of the big wedding/reception. Then we still would have had to pay for the honeymoon....

We did have two couples that absolutely refused to let us run away completely, so they came to Costa Rica with us. We had a few days with them, and several days on our own as a couple. For us, it was perfect.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/27/2005 2:39:51 PM
Author: Mara

we were on track to do that same wedding blur here locally mostly for my friends and family and then hit upon the idea thanks to a friend of doing the hawaii thing. it ended up being about 10k cheaper to do it in hawaii. cake was $200 instead of $600 it would have been locally. flowers were decked out for $1000 vs the $2000 it would have been locally for not even as exotic items. food was about $65 per head as opposed to $95 and that included everything, even drinks!

who pays for the hotel and air fare? bride & groom?

 

[Blue824]

Date: 5/27/2005 3:04:06 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 5/27/2005 2:39:51 PM
Author: Mara

we were on track to do that same wedding blur here locally mostly for my friends and family and then hit upon the idea thanks to a friend of doing the hawaii thing. it ended up being about 10k cheaper to do it in hawaii. cake was $200 instead of $600 it would have been locally. flowers were decked out for $1000 vs the $2000 it would have been locally for not even as exotic items. food was about $65 per head as opposed to $95 and that included everything, even drinks!

who pays for the hotel and air fare? bride & groom?

Typically the guests pay their way, just as they would if they had to attend any other out of town wedding.

 

[Mara]

yep exactly blue and that is also how we got 30 guests rather than 100.

which we both entirely preferred. basically was it was our families and about 15 of our closest friends.

 

[tawn]

I was a bridesmaid at my cousin''s wedding about a year after our civil ceremony, which my husband and I were able to have in our brand new house because we skipped the wedding! To make a long story short, my cousin was a complete wreck, and spent the entire week before the wedding in tears and freaking out because of all the wedding stress. A lot of the stuff can be planned ahead, but there are so many last minute details...By the time the wedding day came, she was completely emotionally drained and exhausted. It was a very nice wedding and everything was very elegant, but it wasn''t fun! I don''t think anyone enjoyed themselves...and the couple were too tired to consumate their marriage that night! They also had to wait for 3 years to build their house!

I love the idea of the big white wedding, but I do wonder how many people really able to enjoy their own ceremonies!? Not to mention always wondering what else you could have spent that huge amount of money on! I, for one, have never regretted that we didn''t go down that road! Do what makes you happy!

 

[heart prongs]

Our wedding/HM cost a lot more than we thought it would. But would we change a thing? No way!!! The memories we made are very precious to us -- and I can''t imagine that day having been any different from exactly the way it was. I love reading about other people''s weddings and how different they all were and how everyone''s wedding was just perfect for them.

 

[Jennifer5973]

Like most things, this is an intensely personal decision, where you have to consider several important factors: your budget, your dreams, your mutual wishes and feelings, and your family & friends.

My husband and I had zilch when we got married (in 1996). He and I both worked three jobs for a year so we could have the wedding we wanted. It was a candlelit chapel full Catholic mass ceremony and a full, five-hour, wedding with extensive cocktail hour, premium open bar and full five course dinner at a top-notch place. That's what I had always wanted and I literally worked my fingers to the bone, as did he, to make it happen.

We did a few things to help pull it off. First, we had a Friday night wedding which saved us ($125 per person vs $150 for Saturday night). We also only invited those family and friends who really meant something to us--no obligatory invitees, distant cousins, etc. 9total = 110) Everyone knew we were struggling and my attitude was if someone had an issue, they obviously weren't thinking about us. I first saw my dress in an upscale boutique for $2,500...but then found it at another shop (rather shady, I admit it) with the label cut out for $900. My mom held a house sale and raised the money for our video--3 weeks before the wedding. I found a videographer and said to him, "Look, this is what i have, no BS. Will you do it?" And he said, "Well, I sure as hell am not going to get another wedding so why not!" We only had one limo for us & the MOH & Best Man--everyone else drove themselves. I also got a minimum package from the photographer up front (and skipped the shoot at the house "getting ready" thing) and then chose to order pictures we liked a la carte after the wedding when we had more money. My MIL made our favors. We were blessed with people like the videographer and others who helped us...strangers who saw how hard we were working and gave us a bit of a break.

We did have to go into about $8,000 in cc debt in the end but to this day, we always talk about how we loved our wedding and wouldn't change a thing. We danced, laughed, ate and had a roaring good time. People still talk about the food and the band and how they loved our wedding. And the partnership that was forged as we worked to make it happen is the foundation of our marriage. We were an unbeatable team--then and now.

But this is MY situation and another perspective in the mix here. Think about what is in your heart, then proceed to make it happen.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I second the idea of saving a certain portion of your paycheck per month for wedding/honeymoon expenses. My situation was that my parents paid for our wedding, so we were extremely lucky (and grateful) that we only had to pay for the honeymoon. We each set aside X dollars per month as soon as we got engaged and that made paying for the HM so much easier in the long run. If we had paid for our wedding ourselves, it would have been a much different event, with a lot fewer people than the 85 we had.

Also, as others have said, there are tons of ways to cut costs and still have a very lovely wedding. I know this is totally weird, but we "rented" a limo from a funeral home, and ended up getting it for free because the owner knew one of my parents'' church acquantainces. I guess that might bother some people, but it didn''t matter to me at all. I bought my dress for $250; it was a very pretty dress, simple, etc., and since the dress wasn''t a priority at all for me b/c I didn''t even really want to wear one to begin with, I was happy as a clam to not spend a lot.

The rehearsal dinner was catered, but not served, and we bought the chips, sodas/water, alcohol and forks/plates/napkins from Costco. We also bought roses for the tables at Costco too- their flowers are really beautiful and inexpensive.

As everyone knows, the prices of weddings depend on where you live. To get married in Washington DC was more than double of what I believe it cost down in Charleston, SC. Apparently in the south, it''s more usual to have a large (like 300+ people) wedding with a stand-up, heavy appetizers reception. However, my parents are from Brooklyn, where sit-down dinners are more the norm. We had a mix of assigned seats for everyone, with 4 food stations. I think it would have been cheaper to have the stand-up reception.

 

[flopkins]

FI and I considered long and hard btwn eloping, small wedding, and big wedding. we are going w/the big wedding (150ppl, church, reception), but our parents are helping us a great deal, and we will not be going into debt. If our parents hadn''t offered to help us, we would have decided differently though, and would probably have had a much smaller affair or eloped.

My opinion is, don''t go into debt over it!

 

[icemyster]

Small and cheap is how I wish I had gone. 42g''s later...no debt, but started life together with no savings...tough way to go. The big wedding was not our choice, but parents pervailed on that one.....Good luck

 

[Libster]

Date: 5/27/2005 7:15:48 PM
Author: tawn
I was a bridesmaid at my cousin''s wedding about a year after our civil ceremony, which my husband and I were able to have in our brand new house because we skipped the wedding! To make a long story short, my cousin was a complete wreck, and spent the entire week before the wedding in tears and freaking out because of all the wedding stress. A lot of the stuff can be planned ahead, but there are so many last minute details...By the time the wedding day came, she was completely emotionally drained and exhausted. It was a very nice wedding and everything was very elegant, but it wasn''t fun! I don''t think anyone enjoyed themselves...and the couple were too tired to consumate their marriage that night! They also had to wait for 3 years to build their house!

I love the idea of the big white wedding, but I do wonder how many people really able to enjoy their own ceremonies!? Not to mention always wondering what else you could have spent that huge amount of money on! I, for one, have never regretted that we didn''t go down that road! Do what makes you happy!

Tawn,
Your post made me think of the recent runaway bride madness in Atlanta. You guys must have seen the story, it was splattered all over the news nationwide. The reason she gave for running was indeed the stress of the wedding and she couldn''t handle it. I know she obviously has some other mental issues for taking it as far as she did, but my point is really think long and hard about planning a very expensive wedding and having that stress and possible debt to deal with long after the party is over. I wish you luck in your decision and always remember it''s you and your Fiance''s wedding, not anyone elses. You guys are the ones that need to be happy.