IloveAsschers13
Brilliant_Rock
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How many years should you date before getting engaged?
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4ever
Ideal_Rock
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Long enough that you know their morals, values and belifes, how they view money, if they want kids and how many and all the other things that you must share to make a marraige work.
Long enough that the honeymoon period is over and you see them without the rose tinted glasses for who they really are, imperfections and anoying traits included, instead of as who they want to be or who you want them to be AND you still want to be with them.
Long enough to experience bad/hard times together as well as good and still want to be together.
Long enough to learn how to communicate whith each other and to sucessfully put that in practice, to build trust, honesty and a sences of reliability and security.
Long enough to be 100% certain with every fiber of your being that you want to be with this person for the rest of your life.
Long enough that the honeymoon period is over and you see them without the rose tinted glasses for who they really are, imperfections and anoying traits included, instead of as who they want to be or who you want them to be AND you still want to be with them.
Long enough to experience bad/hard times together as well as good and still want to be together.
Long enough to learn how to communicate whith each other and to sucessfully put that in practice, to build trust, honesty and a sences of reliability and security.
Long enough to be 100% certain with every fiber of your being that you want to be with this person for the rest of your life.
Indylady
Ideal_Rock
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As long as it takes! Engagement=committing to and preparing for a marriage. So, however long it takes the couple to figure things out...as individuals and as a couple. My parents were engaged after about 5 months and married soon after, and 25 years later, they''re a very happy couple. My mom''s older sister dated her husband for 10 years before they married...and they''re also a very happy couple about 30 years later.
I think that this is a hard question to "quantify" in terms of years, if not impossible.
I think that this is a hard question to "quantify" in terms of years, if not impossible.
Luckyeshe
Ideal_Rock
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I agree with NEL on the age table she created, but overall it depends on the couple and their maturity level and their individual relationships. I knew people who knew within months and are still happy married and together and people who were together for years before getting married and no longer together. It all depends on the couple.
Haven
Super_Ideal_Rock
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AustenNut
Brilliant_Rock
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I have a friend (a minister who''s done quite a few weddings) and she recommends being with someone for at least four seasons.
My sister dated a guy for about 8 years before they got engaged. They got divorced a few years later. She remarried with a guy she only dated for about a year or two. I strongly suspect that it will be lasting.
Different strokes for different folks, but I suspect that NEL is on the right track with an inverse relationship between age and the length of the courtship. The younger a couple is, the longer they should wait.
My boyfriend and I met at 28/30 and it took 13 months for us to become engaged. So obviously 13 months is the correct answer.
My sister dated a guy for about 8 years before they got engaged. They got divorced a few years later. She remarried with a guy she only dated for about a year or two. I strongly suspect that it will be lasting.
Different strokes for different folks, but I suspect that NEL is on the right track with an inverse relationship between age and the length of the courtship. The younger a couple is, the longer they should wait.
My boyfriend and I met at 28/30 and it took 13 months for us to become engaged. So obviously 13 months is the correct answer.
Amzizzle
Shiny_Rock
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Tigarlily1
Rough_Rock
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I have researched this question myself so many times.
I really believe that this is up to each couple to decide however I think how society feels about it definately impacts people. My BF and I knew pretty quickly within the first 6 months that we wanted to get married. For us, both in our upper twenties, experienced in relationships, and established in careers and life, the quality of our time together was serious from the start and constant. I have seen him everyday for the past 9 months at this point and lived together for 8 months.... But we decided to wait to get engaged for at least a year or as close to it as we can because we were worried that if we took the plunge too early (even though we felt ready) others, family, friends and society in general might not take us seriously, think we were unaware of what we were doing or rushing too quickly and not be willing to share in our joy with their blessings. I think that sometime around a year people start to take the relationship more seriously (buying a house together helps too!)
I really believe that this is up to each couple to decide however I think how society feels about it definately impacts people. My BF and I knew pretty quickly within the first 6 months that we wanted to get married. For us, both in our upper twenties, experienced in relationships, and established in careers and life, the quality of our time together was serious from the start and constant. I have seen him everyday for the past 9 months at this point and lived together for 8 months.... But we decided to wait to get engaged for at least a year or as close to it as we can because we were worried that if we took the plunge too early (even though we felt ready) others, family, friends and society in general might not take us seriously, think we were unaware of what we were doing or rushing too quickly and not be willing to share in our joy with their blessings. I think that sometime around a year people start to take the relationship more seriously (buying a house together helps too!)
Tigarlily1
Rough_Rock
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LabRatPhD
Shiny_Rock
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I agree with this.
FI and I dated for almost 7 years before we got engaged. Prior to our ring shopping excursions, we were at different and unstable stages of our careers and we were not ready to make the commitment until those things were sorted. Emotionally, we were probably ready 2 years after dating.
rierie26
Shiny_Rock
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Callisto
Brilliant_Rock
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mrscushion
Ideal_Rock
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Totally depends.
There are big cultural differences, too. Coming from Europe, it was strange for me to see how quickly people in the U.S. get married. One or two years of dating is really nothing in my book. That said, who am I to judge others' relationships? Different strokes...
ETA: FI and I dated 8 years before getting engaged. (We met at 19.) I was getting really impatient and sick of waiting towards the end. Now, looking back, I'd say we needed that time to be ready.... I probably needed it more than he did.
There are big cultural differences, too. Coming from Europe, it was strange for me to see how quickly people in the U.S. get married. One or two years of dating is really nothing in my book. That said, who am I to judge others' relationships? Different strokes...
ETA: FI and I dated 8 years before getting engaged. (We met at 19.) I was getting really impatient and sick of waiting towards the end. Now, looking back, I'd say we needed that time to be ready.... I probably needed it more than he did.
asscherisme
Ideal_Rock
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My ex proposed to me after 5 months. I said yes but had nagging doubts and ignroed them and went through with the wedding. Ended in a nasty nasty divorce. I hung in there for a little more than a decade of marraige, most of it miserable.
I think I''m scared for life off marraige. However, even if I met the perfect man, I would never even consider it until I had known him for a minimum of 2-3 years. And frankly, if he proposed to me after 5 months like my ex did, I woiuld view it as a red flag and probably leave the relationship.
I just don''t think that in a matter of a few months you can get to know someone well enough to spend your life with them. Its easy to hide certain personality traits for that short a time and after you are married, the flood gates of their personality open and you think to yourself, What did I get myself into?
I justfied accepting the proposal by looking at other successful marriages where people knew each other a short time. but those are the exception rather than the rule.
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zoebartlett
Super_Ideal_Rock
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RaiKai
Brilliant_Rock
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I don't like idea of setting an arbitrary time....it sounds too much like "ticking the boxes" rather than being self-aware about yourselves and the relationship and going by that.
It depends on so many factors. There are couples I know who have been together several years and still have crappy communication and are in no way ready to get married (they can't even really talk about it!). There are couples who have been together several months and have really opened themselves up to one another, been completely honest with one another, have wonderful communication and are very emotionally intimate. It depends a LOT on where each individual is as well in their own personal self-development, as well as the nature of the relationship.
That being said. I think much younger, less relationship experienced couples should wait a lot longer overall than couples that have had some life and relationship experiences. I mean, I do of course know couples who married young and seem to be doing wonderfully years later and a couple couples who married "older" and were divorced within a year or two, so those are just my general guidelines. The truth is that of the many many couples I know who married in their early 20's, only one of them is still together....of the couples I know who married later most of them are quite happily (from my perspective at least!) together.
My husband and I moved in together after 7 months when we moved to another province together, were engaged after 10 months, and married after 13 months however we are both in our 30's, had done a lot of self-exploration and self-development and do have a relationship that we recognize is very special to us both. We have extremely open and honest communication, we are both wonderfully expressive about everything - be it hopes and joys or fears and insecurities, and are also completely open about all the "practicalities" like finances, in-laws, future children, careers, lifestyle, living arrangements, etc.
In the past, I can say I was in relationships that lasted for 2-5 years where we certainly were NOT in a place to get engaged for many, many reasons. It would of been a disaster to get engaged simply as we had been together for "x" many years.
It depends on so many factors. There are couples I know who have been together several years and still have crappy communication and are in no way ready to get married (they can't even really talk about it!). There are couples who have been together several months and have really opened themselves up to one another, been completely honest with one another, have wonderful communication and are very emotionally intimate. It depends a LOT on where each individual is as well in their own personal self-development, as well as the nature of the relationship.
That being said. I think much younger, less relationship experienced couples should wait a lot longer overall than couples that have had some life and relationship experiences. I mean, I do of course know couples who married young and seem to be doing wonderfully years later and a couple couples who married "older" and were divorced within a year or two, so those are just my general guidelines. The truth is that of the many many couples I know who married in their early 20's, only one of them is still together....of the couples I know who married later most of them are quite happily (from my perspective at least!) together.
My husband and I moved in together after 7 months when we moved to another province together, were engaged after 10 months, and married after 13 months however we are both in our 30's, had done a lot of self-exploration and self-development and do have a relationship that we recognize is very special to us both. We have extremely open and honest communication, we are both wonderfully expressive about everything - be it hopes and joys or fears and insecurities, and are also completely open about all the "practicalities" like finances, in-laws, future children, careers, lifestyle, living arrangements, etc.
In the past, I can say I was in relationships that lasted for 2-5 years where we certainly were NOT in a place to get engaged for many, many reasons. It would of been a disaster to get engaged simply as we had been together for "x" many years.
joelly
Ideal_Rock
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It all depends on the couple. My parents got married after 3 months dating. DH and I were married after 6 yrs dating and I still feel I wasn''t ready for this and yet I am married to him. I haven''t changed my name yet, we just got married last January. Now I feel that I want to wear his name. Its confusing but it is a very personal experience.
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I think you should date for almost 6 years, live together for a summer, break up, spend the next 11 years each finding, marrying and then getting divorced from another person, get BACK together (on the rebound) for almost 2 years, break up AGAIN for 8 years, and then get married. So.... 27, 28 years, or 7-ish(depending on how you calculate things)? You get all the "issues" out of the way, any separations you might have done, are DONE, and you''re so beyond grown-up, that you have no insecurities left, have no need to work out any power issues, and almost never disagree. Worked for us, but I can imagine it might be less than ordinary or desirable for most folks.
OUpearlgirl
Ideal_Rock
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We''re both ready now (a little over 10 months) but have decided to wait because of other factors. I''m still in school until August, I''d like to have a full time job for a bit, and my older sister is getting married in December. Our relationship is definitely in the right place, but I don''t think we''ll be engaged for another 10-12 months and I am totally okay with that.
I don''t think there is a magic number. When you know, you just know.
I don''t think there is a magic number. When you know, you just know.
nkarma
Brilliant_Rock
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read.bradie
Rough_Rock
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From my own perspective (and I''ll say I am only 18, so definitely don''t know everything, but this is my own opinion) spend some time not broken apart, but with distance and not to many calls. With new different people. Who do you think about? Do you want to just be with them, even if where you are is exciting? My current companion (I don''t think boyfriend describes him, he is my best friend and confidant, and pretty much everything) of 3+ years and I have spent most summers apart in different activities. We spent 10 weeks this past summer not being able to talk because he worked at a scout camp. Though I was with some cute, intelligent, very desirable guys, the only person I could think of was my b/f. I missed being able to tell him stupid things, or just sitting at dinner together and discussing the other patron of the establishment. We''re not going to get married yet (we''re both 1
but I consider us to be together. Other than how much I love engagement rings (diamonds!!!!) marriage is just a piece of paper to me. He''s the one I want to work on my relationship with.
So, in summary...I think you should be together long enough to have spent at least a few weeks apart, and during that time you feel like the other person is the one.
but I consider us to be together. Other than how much I love engagement rings (diamonds!!!!) marriage is just a piece of paper to me. He''s the one I want to work on my relationship with.So, in summary...I think you should be together long enough to have spent at least a few weeks apart, and during that time you feel like the other person is the one.
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I think it depends on the individuals in the relationship. really it depends on whether they have realized themselves as individuals outside the relationship i guess. I think in order for two people to be ready to walk down the aisle, they need to a)know their partner well, they need to trust, love, and feel 100% comfortable with their partner; and b) know themselves well. You cant truly give yourself to another person entirely until you know who you are.
My fiance is 22, and I am 21. I''ve known him since I was 13 years old, so we have kind of a unique situation in that we watched each other grow, and were a part of each others lives that whole time. We have only been dating for two years, but I feel like its been longer because he has been a part of my life for so long, and i know he has seen me through my best (now), and my worst (highschool cheerleading squad... ugh), and he accepts and loves me for/despite that.
Anyways, i guess what I''m trying to say is you need to be ready as an individual, ready as a couple, and have an open honest trusting relationship. if that comes within 2 weeks together, then thats great, if it comes after 10 years, thats great too
My fiance is 22, and I am 21. I''ve known him since I was 13 years old, so we have kind of a unique situation in that we watched each other grow, and were a part of each others lives that whole time. We have only been dating for two years, but I feel like its been longer because he has been a part of my life for so long, and i know he has seen me through my best (now), and my worst (highschool cheerleading squad... ugh), and he accepts and loves me for/despite that.
Anyways, i guess what I''m trying to say is you need to be ready as an individual, ready as a couple, and have an open honest trusting relationship. if that comes within 2 weeks together, then thats great, if it comes after 10 years, thats great too
LadyJane83
Shiny_Rock
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I think it depends on your age, how well you know yourselves and know what is important to you in a relationship. Then, how long it takes to make sure that your partner can give you what you think is important and vice versa. I can''t imagine marrying the person I was with when I was 15-19, and that was a 4.5 year relationship! But, then again, I have a friend who got married at 25 to a guy she was with since she was 17.
I met my current bf when we were 22 and knew relatively early on that we would be in it for the long haul. We are very well-matched and seem to complement each other. It has always been very natural and easy. But, when I was 22, marriage was the last thing on my mind- I wasn''t even sure if I wanted to get married at all. But a year or two into the relationship we started talking seriously about the future. We officially moved in together when we were 25.
I started seriously thinking about marriage about 6-8 months after we moved in. The bf required a little prodding (no ultimatums or anything like that though) and we will likely be engaged by the time I am 27. I thought it strange that I had to tell him outright that I wanted to get married soon, since before we moved in together, he always brought up getting married. I honestly feel like it may have been procrastination, and the fact that we were living together. He also gave the line about career. In understand this to some extent, but if you are already living together and sharing expenses . . .
Anyway, after some long conversations and making 200% sure this is what we both really want at this point in our lives, we started looking at rings. Now he is actually more into looking at rings than I am! (He likes looking at and comparing the stones online... I told him if his career doesn''t work out he could be a gemologist).
I also think there may be different expectations in different parts of the country. A friend went to a wedding in the south and most of the girls there were 19-22 and already married or engaged. I live on the east coast. My friends range from 25-30 and only a few are married or engaged.
All in all, it is whatever is right for you. I do get concerned about people who are very young and haven''t been together long. I''ve seen a lot of this with people who are waiting for marriage. You definitely shouldn''t get married for sex! I think the physical attraction/hormones/anticipation could distort your true feelings about the person you are marrying.
I met my current bf when we were 22 and knew relatively early on that we would be in it for the long haul. We are very well-matched and seem to complement each other. It has always been very natural and easy. But, when I was 22, marriage was the last thing on my mind- I wasn''t even sure if I wanted to get married at all. But a year or two into the relationship we started talking seriously about the future. We officially moved in together when we were 25.
I started seriously thinking about marriage about 6-8 months after we moved in. The bf required a little prodding (no ultimatums or anything like that though) and we will likely be engaged by the time I am 27. I thought it strange that I had to tell him outright that I wanted to get married soon, since before we moved in together, he always brought up getting married. I honestly feel like it may have been procrastination, and the fact that we were living together. He also gave the line about career. In understand this to some extent, but if you are already living together and sharing expenses . . .
Anyway, after some long conversations and making 200% sure this is what we both really want at this point in our lives, we started looking at rings. Now he is actually more into looking at rings than I am! (He likes looking at and comparing the stones online... I told him if his career doesn''t work out he could be a gemologist).
I also think there may be different expectations in different parts of the country. A friend went to a wedding in the south and most of the girls there were 19-22 and already married or engaged. I live on the east coast. My friends range from 25-30 and only a few are married or engaged.
All in all, it is whatever is right for you. I do get concerned about people who are very young and haven''t been together long. I''ve seen a lot of this with people who are waiting for marriage. You definitely shouldn''t get married for sex! I think the physical attraction/hormones/anticipation could distort your true feelings about the person you are marrying.
I am in agreement with most of the people here that it varies for everyone, so each to his or her own with how long they should date.. Obviously the important thing is whether the couple is mature enough to make the commitment for life (this part seems to be forgotten a lot lately) and be willing to sacrifice things in your life for the other person.
I might as well share my story since I have enjoyed everyone else''s stories... I am 19 years old, I will be 20 in 4 days, and I am planning to propose sometime in May. My girlfriend just turned 19, so if all goes to plan, I will be 21 and she will be 20 when we get married.. Pretty young by some people''s standards, but it is easy to judge without knowing people''s situation.
We have liked each other on and off since 6th grade, and have gone to elementary and high school together.. We were ''dating'' in elementary school and then we were just friends in high school, but in grade 11/12 we got back together and we have been dating for over 2 years now.. We both have very supportive families, who we spend a lot of time with, and we have wonderful parents who are great examples for us and full of good advice.
When we get married I will still be in university, which is kind of tough, but she will be done her dental hygienist program, so we should have a full-time income coming for a few months before we are married.. We are in love, but we are not naive, and we know that while love is a very powerful force, having no money to buy groceries or afford rent is a definite impediment, so its quite nice that she only has a 2 year program.
We aren''t moving in together and we are waiting for marriage, and I can''t wait till I get to say ''I do'' to the love of my life, nothing would make me happier.
I might as well share my story since I have enjoyed everyone else''s stories... I am 19 years old, I will be 20 in 4 days, and I am planning to propose sometime in May. My girlfriend just turned 19, so if all goes to plan, I will be 21 and she will be 20 when we get married.. Pretty young by some people''s standards, but it is easy to judge without knowing people''s situation.
We have liked each other on and off since 6th grade, and have gone to elementary and high school together.. We were ''dating'' in elementary school and then we were just friends in high school, but in grade 11/12 we got back together and we have been dating for over 2 years now.. We both have very supportive families, who we spend a lot of time with, and we have wonderful parents who are great examples for us and full of good advice.
When we get married I will still be in university, which is kind of tough, but she will be done her dental hygienist program, so we should have a full-time income coming for a few months before we are married.. We are in love, but we are not naive, and we know that while love is a very powerful force, having no money to buy groceries or afford rent is a definite impediment, so its quite nice that she only has a 2 year program.
We aren''t moving in together and we are waiting for marriage, and I can''t wait till I get to say ''I do'' to the love of my life, nothing would make me happier.
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