How To Get My Friends To Realize They Aren''t Invited With A Date?

[iheartscience]

Okay, so today at work a friend of mine who is invited to my wedding asked me what day my wedding was and then mumbled something about a date. I'm pretty sure she was talking about her date, and not the date of my wedding. Funny thing is, I didn't invite her with a date! I wasn't positive what she said, though, and we were both working around other people so it didn't feel right to say "Did you just say something about a date? Because you're not invited with a date!"

I have a sneaking suspicion that this is going to be a VERY common occurrence among some of my friends. As in, every single one is going to think they can bring a date. 2 of my friends have mentioned bringing dates already, and neither of them even have a boyfriend/girlfriend! And I sent out their Save the Dates with just their name on it! I really can't afford to have 20+ strangers at my wedding, and even if I could I wouldn't want them there!

So...I'm thinking about sending a message on Facebook or an e-mail to all my friends and telling them that a few of them have mentioned bringing dates, but unfortunately I couldn't invite them with dates due to budget and space constraints. And I'll pretend that I'm terribly sorry about it, of course.

What do you all think? Terrible idea? Horribly tacky? I realize it's not exactly polite to send them all an e-mail, but if they would follow basic etiquette I wouldn't have to do it in the first place! I think I'd rather do that then have the RSVP card say "We have reserved 1 seat in your honor." Any opinions and advice would be welcome!

 

[modernsparkler]

As someone who has recently gone through this with our RSVP''s, I would recommend against sending a facebook message. You have no way of knowing when it really comes down to it if these people are going to bring a date. Since you mentioned many of them are single, they may decide they would rather hang out with the people they know than bring a random and tend to them all night. I had this issue with a few people and for the most part, no one brought a date. However, a few added a +1 on the RSVP without even giving a name and it sucked to tell those 2 people that they were actually invited solo (HELLO, read the envelope) but it worked out ok. I think doing it after the invites are out would be better than risking angering people even before they make a mistake.

 

[kama_s]

Personally, I think having a ''__ seat reserved for you" is much more appropriate than a mass facebook message. Is there a reason why you dont want to add in that clause? I did it with my invitations, and so far it''s worked perfectly *phew*!

 

[Sabine]

I agree that you should try to nip the problem in the bud by the wording on your response cards. If you get a bunch of response cards back with +1''s added, then it''s time to let the people know that they misunderstood.

 

[iheartscience]

Well I mentioned doing "We have reserved _ seats in your honor" on the RSVP card to my mom and she thought it was rude so I pretty much took that off the table. Hmmm...I don''t know...for some reason that seems ruder to me than the Facebook message/e-mail. Crap...why can''t people know basic etiquette like this?!

 

[Haven]

I really wouldn''t do a Facebook message, or anything else like that.

Instead, if people say things about bringing uninvited dates to you, it is absolutely appropriate to say something like "I''m so sorry we can''t accommodate dates for our single friends, but don''t worry so-and-so will be there, so you will have a lot of great people to chat with." If people add uninvited guests on the response cards, call them up and tell them the same thing.

It is beyond me why people don''t understand basic things like how to figure out who is invited to a formal affair. How maddening.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/9/2009 9:21:02 PM
Author: Haven
I really wouldn''t do a Facebook message, or anything else like that.

Instead, if people say things about bringing uninvited dates to you, it is absolutely appropriate to say something like ''I''m so sorry we can''t accommodate dates for our single friends, but don''t worry so-and-so will be there, so you will have a lot of great people to chat with.'' If people add uninvited guests on the response cards, call them up and tell them the same thing.

It is beyond me why people don''t understand basic things like how to figure out who is invited to a formal affair. How maddening.

Ugh I know I should just say it to their faces but it''s harder that way! And if I just send out an e-mail to everyone I don''t have to worry about it anymore!

It still blows my mind that this is such an issue for EVERYONE! I would never in a million years think that I was invited with a date if there wasn''t another name on the invite!

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 5/9/2009 9:21:02 PM
Author: Haven
I really wouldn''t do a Facebook message, or anything else like that.


Instead, if people say things about bringing uninvited dates to you, it is absolutely appropriate to say something like ''I''m so sorry we can''t accommodate dates for our single friends, but don''t worry so-and-so will be there, so you will have a lot of great people to chat with.'' If people add uninvited guests on the response cards, call them up and tell them the same thing.


It is beyond me why people don''t understand basic things like how to figure out who is invited to a formal affair. How maddening.

The wedding may be a formal affair, but a save-the-date is not exactly a formal invitation. I suspect some of your friends will figure it out when they get the formal invite, but meanwhile I agree it''s totally appropriate to say something if they happen to bring up the idea of bringing a date.

 

[LadyBlue]

Well, I have to say as guest, that I would not think that someone would invite me alone if I''m single, with who am I supposed to dance, chat and spend my time. So if there is not a specific note that says, just you with no date, I would think I can bring someone with me. Maybe it''s just me, but I had never been invited to go to a party alone, so I would be suprise about the whole situation. I''m not saying it''s wrong that you don''t want to spend in extra people, but I would nicely talk with the people that thinks they can bring a guest, and tell them that you are not going to be able to pay for extra people. I would consider totally rude an e-mail, I will better call and apologized for the misunderstood.

 

[mrscushion]

You know -- how many weddings have their been in your peer group? Are you among the first to get married?

The reason I''m asking is that if you haven''t been to a lot of weddings, you haven''t planned one yourself, haven''t witnessed your sister plan one, or what have you, it can be really hard for people to know proper wedding etiquette. If you''ve never thought about guest lists, you might not realize that you everyone isn''t automatically invited with a date.

I personally would not get offended at getting an e-mail or a FB message, but I agree that bringing it up in person is always more gracious.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/9/2009 11:49:10 PM
Author: gaby06
Well, I have to say as guest, that I would not think that someone would invite me alone if I''m single, with who am I supposed to dance, chat and spend my time. So if there is not a specific note that says, just you with no date, I would think I can bring someone with me. Maybe it''s just me, but I had never been invited to go to a party alone, so I would be suprise about the whole situation. I''m not saying it''s wrong that you don''t want to spend in extra people, but I would nicely talk with the people that thinks they can bring a guest, and tell them that you are not going to be able to pay for extra people. I would consider totally rude an e-mail, I will better call and apologized for the misunderstood.

It''s not correct to assume you''ll be invited with a guest unless the invite specifically says "and guest" or names a particular person.

My friends all know each other and they all live in the area, so it''s not like they''ll be sitting in a corner by themselves. And I don''t particularly want 20 strangers at my wedding.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/10/2009 12:03:10 AM
Author: mscushion
You know -- how many weddings have their been in your peer group? Are you among the first to get married?

The reason I''m asking is that if you haven''t been to a lot of weddings, you haven''t planned one yourself, haven''t witnessed your sister plan one, or what have you, it can be really hard for people to know proper wedding etiquette. If you''ve never thought about guest lists, you might not realize that you everyone isn''t automatically invited with a date.

I personally would not get offended at getting an e-mail or a FB message, but I agree that bringing it up in person is always more gracious.

I''m one of the first, but not the first. I still don''t think that really excuses it...I was always taught by my mother that you don''t assume you''re invited to anything, ever, unless your name is on an invite or someone specifically invites you. I think all of my friends are unaware of this rule, though!

I''ll probably just wait until the official invites go out to deal with it, though-no use in borrowing trouble!

 

[Pandora II]

One way of doing it would be to ask your friend at work the same question.

"Oh goodness, what would you do? This friend I have invited to our wedding has asked me about bringing a date etc etc"

It works pretty well at getting the message across without having to say anything specifically aimed at that person.

I''ve always liked discussing weddings etc with co-workers and casual friends when they have been planning theirs, but have always slipped in something to let them know that while I''m really interested in hearing their plans and am happy to offer help if they need any I have absolutely no preconceived idea that I am invited and nor am I fishing for an invitation.

 

[meresal]

Tell them, and do it as soon as possible. I would do it in person. Just say, "Hey I remember you saying something about bringing a date, and we just can't afford for non serious relationships to bring dates."
A friend of mine asked me if she could bring a date, and I told her, "Would you spend $100 on a meal for him?" She said, "No". I replied, "Well neither are we."

Lucky she said it in front of about 10 other friends, so everyone got the point at the same time. Made it much easier for me

Do these people know other guests at the wedding? Just to keep in mind, it is very hard to go to a wedding as a single that doesn't know anyone. We decided to let friends that don't know other guests, bring dates.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I'm asking many of my college friends to not bring dates (they almost all know each other, those that don't were invited with a date). Most of them asked before RSVPing, but some of them just RSVPed with a date, but I wrote them to explain the situation, and they've all been more than gracious about it. Remember, these are your friends! People you've shared love and laughter with, it probably won't be a big deal to them if they can't bring a date, they'll probably still just be excited for your wedding

 

[neatfreak]

You haven''t sent out your regular invites yet right? I think people will figure it out then if it doesn''t say "and date." But I also don''t think you should do the facebook thing...people might get offended that way.

If you want to address it ahead of time I think Pandora''s suggestion is brilliant. Otherwise just wait until the replies come in and make individual phone calls if necessary.

Gaby: I would assume that you aren''t from the US (or maybe moved here from elsewhere?) and thus maybe it is more common in your culture to bring anyone to weddings? But generally in the US when invited to a wedding you only bring a date if the invite says "Gaby and Mr.Gaby" or if they don''t know your date''s name "Gaby and Guest." Otherwise you are invited alone. So if you want all your friends in the US to know they can bring a date to your wedding you''d want to make sure to write "and Guest."

 

[swimmer]

OK, I have to admit...I once (when I was young and foolish) told a bride that I was so excited to finally have a date so that I wouldn''t be solo for her wedding. She quickly said, no, you were not invited with a date. I said, Oh, OK. Having confused the outer envelope of her wedding (long discarded at that point) with the many other weddings I was invited to with a date that summer. That clarification was perfect. I harbor no ill will and we are still friends even though as the only unmarried woman there she sat me between two Orthodox women -who could not sit next to men that were not their husbands- and who spoke in Yiddish all night. For the record, I know enough Yiddish to get Saturday Night Live skits, nothing more.

Ah, good times. All weddings are awesome. Don''t sweat telling your friends, if they kvetch, they might not be the best of friends.

 

[CNOS128]

LOL, swimmer!! All I would have been able to do in that situation is curse and insult them in Yiddish - many, many times over.

Thing2 - some of my younger friends do not understand the etiquette of wedding invitations/envelopes, because their mothers didn''t teach them and they''ve never been invited to weddings on their own (or really many weddings at all). One person asked if he was supposed to bring a date (he was invited alone), and as I was trying to think of a gentle was to say "No, you''re not invited with a guest! Didn''t you read the envelope?!" I stammered out a "Well....no.." and he was relieved not to have to scrounge someone up.

But I see you have people who''d like to bring guests. I''m always a fan of telling people directly in case they don''t pick up on the hint you''re trying to give them. It''s easier to do in the moment when the person is talking about bringing a date -- "Oh, sweetie, I''m sorry; we just don''t have room for people outside serious relationships to bring dates!"
Do you have a very close friend who can perhaps help spread the word to the rest of the single girls? Or help you devise a way to bring up the subject with the other friends?

 

[iheartscience]

Thanks everyone! Looks like everyone agrees that I should not send the Facebook message or an e-mail!

So one more question-should I tell them ahead of time or just wait for the RSVPs where they tried to add someone?

And for those that asked, these friends definitely all know each other so no one will be stuck sitting between two Yiddish speaking Orthodox Jewish women!

And I am inviting fiances/significant others. I just really have no desire to have total strangers at my wedding. (Plus I don''t feel like paying $100/person for said strangers!)

 

[princesss]

You know, I think there are so many movies that focus on having a date for a wedding that people don''t stop to think that maybe not everybody has a Hollywood budget and can just invite strangers willy-nilly.

I''d just be upfront with them, Thing. Yeah, it sucks, and a few staged conversations might help, but ultimately you''re going to have to tell them that their flavour of the month or last-minute wedding date isn''t actually invited.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 5/10/2009 11:02:15 PM
Author: neatfreak
You haven''t sent out your regular invites yet right? I think people will figure it out then if it doesn''t say ''and date.'' But I also don''t think you should do the facebook thing...people might get offended that way.


If you want to address it ahead of time I think Pandora''s suggestion is brilliant. Otherwise just wait until the replies come in and make individual phone calls if necessary.


Gaby: I would assume that you aren''t from the US (or maybe moved here from elsewhere?) and thus maybe it is more common in your culture to bring anyone to weddings? But generally in the US when invited to a wedding you only bring a date if the invite says ''Gaby and Mr.Gaby'' or if they don''t know your date''s name ''Gaby and Guest.'' Otherwise you are invited alone. So if you want all your friends in the US to know they can bring a date to your wedding you''d want to make sure to write ''and Guest.''

Hi Neatfreak, thanks for the advice, I actually not from the USA moved to NYC 3 years ago to study and got married with an amercan guy a year ago.

. In my culture we do no invite people alone, and when I had my wedding in nyc, actually the guests were moslty american people, and even tought i did write only the name of my friend, they brought a date, so maybe is not a culture thing between contries, is more like what they and their family is used to. I was asking my hubby, and he said that he felt a bit like was a punishment to single people for don''t be in a formal relatioship, kind of what happen with Carry from sex in the city, that she never get''s gifts for being single

.

In some way I totally related with thing2of2, an extra guest was like 100

and I even had to add tables for extra people that I was not considering. I wish i did not have to pay for them, but I felt so bad asking them to come alone. Of course every situation is different, if this are like 5 single friends, very close, they would not mind being with a no date. But if all my friends are in couple, and they will be dancing, or talking, and i could end up sitting alone at the table while everybody is dancing. That would not be a fun situations for me.

What I would do, is for the people that really know each other and would be happy hanging out with the friends, just let them know that they can not bring a date. And for the people that don''t know other guessts really well, i will be more considered with them and let them bring a guests.

Just giving my toughts hopping you will have an amazing wedding, and everubody will feel happy and comfortable.

 

[lucyandroger]

I would have a conversation in person and be really humble and kind of vulnerable. I would say "hey, I just wanted to talk to you about my wedding because a lot of my single friends have been asking about bringing dates. It''s been a little awkward to tell them that unfortunately we''re not inviting dates unless the couple is engaged/living together (whatever your criteria is). So I just wanted to speak to everyone so we''re on the same page. This wedding thing gets expensive really quick! I wish we could invite everyone but at these prices, we had to make some compromises. I hope it''s not too much of an inconvenience and don''t forget so and so will be there to dance and chat with."


I think that going the route of confiding in the friends will work a lot better than a confrontation about wedding etiquette.

 

[p&j]

I''m getting married in September of this year and this is the approach we are going to take, putting "We have reserved ____ seats for you".

We genuinely have no more room for guests to bring dates and I know a few people are in a relationship with someone but I have no idea for how long as I''ve never met the other person. Since we have no room, is it rude to just invite our friend and not their boyfriend/girlfriend?

We have lots of other couples coming but in those instances, they are either married or both of them are friends with us. I''m just worried about some of the friends we do not see too often who may be in a relationship now.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 5/12/2009 9:36:58 AM
Author: p&j
I''m getting married in September of this year and this is the approach we are going to take, putting ''We have reserved ____ seats for you''.


We genuinely have no more room for guests to bring dates and I know a few people are in a relationship with someone but I have no idea for how long as I''ve never met the other person. Since we have no room, is it rude to just invite our friend and not their boyfriend/girlfriend?


We have lots of other couples coming but in those instances, they are either married or both of them are friends with us. I''m just worried about some of the friends we do not see too often who may be in a relationship now.

You just need to pick a rule and stick with it for EVERYONE. Trouble comes when you let some people bring dates and not others, or invite some boyfriends and not others, etc.

Our rule was if you were serious enough that you were living together, engaged, or married-your SO was invited. Everyone has their own rules-just make sure to follow it for everyone.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Most people assume when they are invited to a wedding they are also allowed to bring a guest...it''s just traditional.

I would clarify it for them...but not through Facebook.

 

[musey]

It''s tough... the closest I had to this problem was one of my friends - whose invitation actually got lost in the mail, and we didn''t know until after the RSVP date had passed because that''s when I got in touch with her to say I hadn''t gotten her RSVP

whoops! - who asked if the invitation was just for her, or for her and a plus one. In that situation, it was pretty easy since she hadn''t gotten the invitation that said "We have reserved _1_ seat(s) in your honor" on the RSVP. I just said that since the wedding was very small (true for our social circle, ~60 guests) and almost all of our friends knew each other anyway, we had intended the invitations only for the individuals - but that if she felt very strongly about having a date, we could work something out.

Anyway, I think the RSVP cards should get the message across. This is roughly the wording we used:

We have reserved ____ seats in your honor

___ of ___ happily accept
___ regretfully decline

In retrospect I kind of wish I''d left off the "___ of ___ happily accept," because it does seem a little excessive in driving the point home. I was really worried about unwelcome add-ons, though. I honestly don''t know if anyone took offense. I hope not - but when I was discussing the idea here on PS, people said that the whole idea of reserving seats in someone''s honor was a really nice/kind/unoffensive way to say it.

In these modern times

when people DON''T take the hint (ie. the people addressed on the envelope are the ones - the ONLY ones - invited), sometimes it requires a bit plainer language.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/10/2009 3:41:09 PM
Author: meresal
A friend of mine asked me if she could bring a date, and I told her, 'Would you spend $100 on a meal for him?' She said, 'No'. I replied, 'Well neither are we.'

I LOVE that!! We were using the same logic. We mentioned our $120/head in relation to plus ones to one of the groomsmen who is a non-judgmental LOUDMOUTH, knowing that he would probably mention it to other friends in passing. I'm sure that anyone who spoke with him about the wedding heard about the price for potential plus ones and said "that's ridiculous!" and understood why we wouldn't invite them.

Do these people know other guests at the wedding? Just to keep in mind, it is very hard to go to a wedding as a single that doesn't know anyone. We decided to let friends that don't know other guests, bring dates.

Ditto. Friends that would know at least a couple other people (I think all friends that were there knew at least 10 other people) did not get plus ones, friends that either wouldn't know anyone else OR would have to take a plane to get to the wedding did get plus ones (but none of those friends came anyway, so it was somewhat a non-issue). People in very long-term relationships got to bring their SO, but mostly because we are friends with said SOs anyway.

ETA: This was made a lot easier by the fact that the vast majority of our friends are completely single (so plus ones would have been COMPLETE strangers, to us and also to them, likely!) and local. There were, like, two serious SOs that were invited that we would perhaps have not invited otherwise, and only 5 out-of-town friends that were invited with plus ones (though they did not attend). I think it would have been a lot more difficult to have go-to rules if our friends were on varying points of the single--to--married spectrum.

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 5/12/2009 12:54:52 PM
Author: musey
This is roughly the wording we used:

We have reserved ____ seats in your honor

We tried to say something to this effect, but the invitation shop people told me they "strongly advised against" wording it this way (and my future mother-in-law objected, saying it was offensive). They actually sent me an email that said they recommended taking out that line and that "Etiquette states that the envelope dictates how many people are invited to the ceremony and reception." It made me feel bad enough that I took it out -- even though when I asked here on PS, people thought it was a good idea.

Luckily, no one''s responded for more people than are invited. We''ll see if they tote along any extra guests.

 

[p&j]

Date: 5/12/2009 9:42:17 AM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 5/12/2009 9:36:58 AM

You just need to pick a rule and stick with it for EVERYONE. Trouble comes when you let some people bring dates and not others, or invite some boyfriends and not others, etc.


Our rule was if you were serious enough that you were living together, engaged, or married-your SO was invited. Everyone has their own rules-just make sure to follow it for everyone.

The problem with inviting SO''s that we don''t know, is that it will push us over our capacity. So faced with option of inviting someone without their SO or not inviting either one because we don''t want to upset them, I would rather invite them without their SO.

Any of the people that have a SO that we don''t know and can''t invite are friends with lots of other people on the guest list.

It sucks but I can''t see any other way to do it. Am I in the wrong?

 

[musey]

Date: 5/12/2009 1:10:04 PM
Author: TheBigT

Date: 5/12/2009 12:54:52 PM
Author: musey
This is roughly the wording we used:

We have reserved ____ seats in your honor

We tried to say something to this effect, but the invitation shop people told me they 'strongly advised against' wording it this way (and my future mother-in-law objected, saying it was offensive). They actually sent me an email that said they recommended taking out that line and that 'Etiquette states that the envelope dictates how many people are invited to the ceremony and reception.' It made me feel bad enough that I took it out -- even though when I asked here on PS, people thought it was a good idea.

Luckily, no one's responded for more people than are invited. We'll see if they tote along any extra guests.

who knows. Our invitation designer actually suggested that wording in the first place, and none of the people we showed it to mentioned it being possibly offensive. It probably just depends on the person/social circle. I wouldn't personally be offended to receive such a thing, I'd be glad they spelled it out for me so I could avoid reading into the invitation incorrectly and embarrassing myself. So I'm hopeful that our guests didn't take offense.

OR all of our friends and family were massively offended and think we're classless toads. I suppose I'll never know, but it's too late now...