How To Get My Friends To Realize They Aren''t Invited With A Date?

[musey]

Date: 5/12/2009 1:40:21 PM
Author: p&j

Date: 5/12/2009 9:42:17 AM
Author: neatfreak
Date: 5/12/2009 9:36:58 AM
You just need to pick a rule and stick with it for EVERYONE. Trouble comes when you let some people bring dates and not others, or invite some boyfriends and not others, etc.

Our rule was if you were serious enough that you were living together, engaged, or married-your SO was invited. Everyone has their own rules-just make sure to follow it for everyone.

The problem with inviting SO''s that we don''t know, is that it will push us over our capacity. So faced with option of inviting someone without their SO or not inviting either one because we don''t want to upset them, I would rather invite them without their SO.

Any of the people that have a SO that we don''t know and can''t invite are friends with lots of other people on the guest list.

It sucks but I can''t see any other way to do it. Am I in the wrong?

That''s another side to the issue. If we''d given plus ones to all single friends, we would have had to cut our (already very small) "friends" list in half in order to accommodate the strangers. Some would say that the polite thing to do would be to go ahead and cut that list in half so the people who were invited could go ahead and bring their dates. But logically speaking, how does that make sense - especially for a small/intimate wedding? To have guests who really could have done just fine without a date (when they know other guests) allowed one just because it''s the polite thing to do, while you are deprived of sharing your wedding day with other very special friends in order to accommodate said strangers (the plus ones)?

There really is no "best" solution, in my opinion.

I think that in a perfect world, people would be aware of invitation etiquette and we wouldn''t have to do the "___ seats in your honor" BS to avoid offending people by our bluntness. While we''re at it, the perfect world would allow us the budget/space/outgoing personality to go with a massive guest list that DOES allow plus ones. Unfortunately, we don''t live in a perfectly etiquette-aware world, so we have to supplement with our own ideas to get the point across.

It''s never going to be the perfect solution, just find something that works best for you, and hope that people aren''t going to be offended by your approach. I''d like to think that "We''ve reserved ___ seats in your honor" reads as just that (and that''s what all of my non-wedding major event invitations say, for the record...): seats reserved in your honor, as opposed to "HEY, in case you''re thick headed, this invitation was only for X Y AND Z so don''t go adding people in." I''d like to think that people would be honored to have been invited to share in such a special event, as opposed to offended that they weren''t allowed to bring a date to said event.

... but there will always be those people who like to find drama and be offended at any possible chance. Hopefully we''ll at least be made aware of these people through the wedding RSVP process, so that we can make a mental note regarding future interaction

 

[Ara Ann]

I've been reading all the suggestions and am curious, is there any advice about this situation in current bridal books or magazines? My nephew got married last summer and had a similar issue...we have a large family with lots of 'older teen and 20 something' aged cousins and my nephew and his bride were also concerned about the cost for add ons and 'dates'(sit down dinner, $125 per person)...but they just asked the cousins to not bring a date, this was OK because they were family, but nothing was said on the invitation about bringing a date.

Has anyone checked the wedding sites, like 'The Knot' or even Martha Stewart's site about this? I'm sure it's an issue for a lot of couples these days!

 

[musey]

Date: 5/12/2009 1:55:02 PM
Author: Ara Ann
I''ve been reading all the suggestions and am curious, is there any advice about this situation in current bridal books or magazines? My nephew got married last summer and had a similar issue...we have a large family with lots of ''older teen and 20 something'' aged cousins and my nephew and his bride also concerned about the cost for add ons and ''dates''(sit down dinner, $125 per person)...but they just asked the cousins to not bring a date, this was OK because they were family, but nothing was said on the invitation about bringing a date.

Has anyone checked the wedding sites, like ''The Knot'' or even Martha Stewart''s site about this? I''m sure it''s an issue for a lot of couples these days!

I would bet they don''t say more than the standard etiquette suggestion, which is just to address the invitees and they are to interpret that correctly.

Wouldn''t be too difficult to look into for oneself, though.

 

[Ara Ann]

Date: 5/12/2009 1:57:58 PM
Author: musey

Date: 5/12/2009 1:55:02 PM

Author: Ara Ann

I''ve been reading all the suggestions and am curious, is there any advice about this situation in current bridal books or magazines? My nephew got married last summer and had a similar issue...we have a large family with lots of ''older teen and 20 something'' aged cousins and my nephew and his bride also concerned about the cost for add ons and ''dates''(sit down dinner, $125 per person)...but they just asked the cousins to not bring a date, this was OK because they were family, but nothing was said on the invitation about bringing a date.


Has anyone checked the wedding sites, like ''The Knot'' or even Martha Stewart''s site about this? I''m sure it''s an issue for a lot of couples these days!

I would bet they don''t say more than the standard etiquette suggestion, which is just to address the invitees and they are to interpret that correctly.


Wouldn''t be too difficult to look into for oneself, though.

Yep, I don''t need it for myself, but thought perhaps the brides with this dilemma may find more helpful info there for their peace of mind!

Just a thought.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 5/12/2009 12:54:52 PM
Author: musey
It''s tough... the closest I had to this problem was one of my friends - whose invitation actually got lost in the mail, and we didn''t know until after the RSVP date had passed because that''s when I got in touch with her to say I hadn''t gotten her RSVP

whoops! - who asked if the invitation was just for her, or for her and a plus one. In that situation, it was pretty easy since she hadn''t gotten the invitation that said ''We have reserved _1_ seat(s) in your honor'' on the RSVP. I just said that since the wedding was very small (true for our social circle, ~60 guests) and almost all of our friends knew each other anyway, we had intended the invitations only for the individuals - but that if she felt very strongly about having a date, we could work something out.

Anyway, I think the RSVP cards should get the message across. This is roughly the wording we used:

We have reserved ____ seats in your honor

___ of ___ happily accept
___ regretfully decline

In retrospect I kind of wish I''d left off the ''___ of ___ happily accept,'' because it does seem a little excessive in driving the point home. I was really worried about unwelcome add-ons, though. I honestly don''t know if anyone took offense. I hope not - but when I was discussing the idea here on PS, people said that the whole idea of reserving seats in someone''s honor was a really nice/kind/unoffensive way to say it.

In these modern times

when people DON''T take the hint (ie. the people addressed on the envelope are the ones - the ONLY ones - invited), sometimes it requires a bit plainer language.

Musey, I think it actually made sense to put the "___ of ___" there because I could definitely see people just putting a check mark or an "X" there without specifying how many people were actually coming otherwise.

I think this was a very classy way of making sure there were no misunderstandings that could easily lead to hurt feelings.

 

[Elmorton]

Another problem - a lot of times, BRIDES don't know the etiquette, so it makes sense why guests are confused. When DH and I were seriously dating/engaged, I had a couple of friends who got married, and it was just my name on the envelope. At the first wedding, I was TICKED to be there single, and I said something off hand to a friend of mine who was a BM. She said "Um, it was understood that you'd bring a date." For the second invite, I had the good sense to just drop an e-mail that said that I was about to RSVP, but wasn't sure if the invite was for me or me and a plus one. The response was "Yupp, of course your FI is invited, but I just put your name on the envelope since I know he doesn't live with you." Where I live in the midwest, it's important to remember that formal, dinner weddings haven't been the norm for long/still aren't really the norm, so the "proper" inviting etiquette isn't exactly second nature to any parties involved.

 

[musey]

Thanks, lucyandroger - that was our thinking, too. We had a lot of larger (4+) families invited and knew some would travel without the kids, or only one spouse with the kids, or something... since practically EVERYONE was a plane flight away.

Elmorton, I totally agree. Even though there''s a supposed "standard" for etiquette, it still varies from culture to culture (and region to region). Sure it would make it a lot easier if people were required to brush up on their Emily Post around age 14 or so, so wed all be on the same page as adults, but it''s just not gonna happen.

 

[meresal]

Date: 5/12/2009 12:57:31 PM
Author: musey

Date: 5/10/2009 3:41:09 PM
Author: meresal
A friend of mine asked me if she could bring a date, and I told her, ''Would you spend $100 on a meal for him?'' She said, ''No''. I replied, ''Well neither are we.''

I LOVE that!! We were using the same logic. We mentioned our $120/head in relation to plus ones to one of the groomsmen who is a non-judgmental LOUDMOUTH, knowing that he would probably mention it to other friends in passing. I''m sure that anyone who spoke with him about the wedding heard about the price for potential plus ones and said ''that''s ridiculous!'' and understood why we wouldn''t invite them.

Do these people know other guests at the wedding? Just to keep in mind, it is very hard to go to a wedding as a single that doesn''t know anyone. We decided to let friends that don''t know other guests, bring dates.

Ditto. Friends that would know at least a couple other people (I think all friends that were there knew at least 10 other people) did not get plus ones, friends that either wouldn''t know anyone else OR would have to take a plane to get to the wedding did get plus ones (but none of those friends came anyway, so it was somewhat a non-issue). People in very long-term relationships got to bring their SO, but mostly because we are friends with said SOs anyway.

ETA: This was made a lot easier by the fact that the vast majority of our friends are completely single (so plus ones would have been COMPLETE strangers, to us and also to them, likely!) and local. There were, like, two serious SOs that were invited that we would perhaps have not invited otherwise, and only 5 out-of-town friends that were invited with plus ones (though they did not attend). I think it would have been a lot more difficult to have go-to rules if our friends were on varying points of the single--to--married spectrum.

It definitely got the point across, and luckily it was at our "girls weekend" and in the hotel room, so all 10 other girls that were being invited heard as well.

I actually have quite a few (apprx. 10 or so) different friends all over the place that won''t know anyone else at the wedding, so we asked them each "and Guest" because it will break my heart if I look over, while I''m dancing, and see a friend of mine sitting at a table by herself.

 

[teapot]

I called all the singles and talked to them personally so they knew they didn''t get a date. That way, there was no confusion. I still had wedding crashers, but that wasn''t because someone brought an unexpected date. It was people who I wanted to invite, but didn''t have room to invite. I just looked the other way and rolled with it.

 

[honey22]

Date: 5/9/2009 6:57:57 PM
Author: kama_s
Personally, I think having a ''__ seat reserved for you'' is much more appropriate than a mass facebook message. Is there a reason why you dont want to add in that clause? I did it with my invitations, and so far it''s worked perfectly *phew*!

Ditto, in these cases you need to make it very clear. Some people just don''t think when it comes to these things.