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How to tell a friend you''re worried about her wedding?

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princesss

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Okay, this is kind of long, so bear with me.

My BFF has been asked to stand up in our friend''s wedding. The friend, S, is very close to BFF, whereas she and I are more casual friends.

Just for background, S is 19 and about to graduate college in May. She''s been dying to get married and have kids for as long as I''ve known her. (I met her about 3 or 4 years ago.) She''s been in a string of long distance relationships all through college, always focused on marriage and babies, and moving on to the next guy when it became apparent that the guy she was seeing wasn''t going down that road as quickly as she was. It''s seemed like her focus has been on just getting married, not who she marries.

S has been seeing her SO, J, for just under 3 months. They live about 3,000 miles away from each other, and have spent a total of 6 days together in that 3 months. He''s 24 and in the Navy, she''s 19 and a college senior. They knew each other several years ago (when she was 13 and he was 18), and struck up a relationship after she ran into his mother at church.

When she went to visit him, they picked out her engagement ring, and they''re now planning a wedding in May.

Like I said, BFF has been asked to stand up in the wedding. She told S she would need time to think about it, and called me for advice. She wants to be there for S, and wants S to know she loves and supports her, but she''s having trouble supporting the wedding. She''s worried that because they have spent 6 days together in the past 6 years, perhaps they''re rushing things a bit. BFF realizes she doesn''t get to dictate S''s relationship, but it worried that this is so rushed that it is going to end up in heartbreak. She wants to know that S has really thought about what''s going to happen before she agrees to stand up in the wedding.

Is there any tactful way for my BFF to bring this up to the girl? Ultimately I think she''ll end up standing up in the wedding because she wants S to know that she loves her no matter what, and will always be there. But is there any way to bring up that maybe playing it safe and having a long engagement might be a good idea while they live in the same state and see what day-to-day life is like? Or should she just not say anything? I like to think friends share their concerns with each other, especially on things as life changing as marriage, but I''m not sure if it would do any good or if the conversation would just put the friendship at risk.

(Btw, before anybody jumps on me, I''m not saying young marriages can''t work or marriages can''t work when you''ve only been together a short amount of time before the wedding, just that I think with this set of circumstances a quick marriage is inadvisable.)
 
you can say something, but it usually doesn''t go over well. Sometimes you have to love your friends, and not their choices. I have a friend that did LDR with someone she met online. She decided to move to another state across the country from CA to be with him. She met him for 6 days over 2 years before the move, then spent another week or so moving with him. The day they arrived at his house, he broke up with her.

I would say that if you have concerns, they are usually worth mentioning, but the reception is never really good. May is a long time from now, so maybe now is a good time.


good luck!
 
This is tough. Of course, being a good friend, you want to save your friends from undo hurt or pain. But, at the same time, if she feels like this her "path" towards happiness, you want to support that unconditionally.

For the record, I got engaged to my DH a meer 3 months after we started dating. We weren't in a LD relationship or anything, and saw each other all the time...but 3 months is still only 3 months, and in the grand sceme of things, it's not a long time at all. However, with that, I am madly in love with my husband--and to this day, we've only had 2 fights. We are much happier than many couples I know that were together for years before they got engaged. We're great communicators, we love each other very much, and we're best friends first and foremost. Our marriage works for us...and our courtship was just long enough for us to really know that we were meant to be.

I think that its best for your BFF to be a good listener and not so much of a talker. If this engagement will fail, it should be on its own accord, and not because your BFF is in her ear questioning her decision. Who knows, maybe their marriage will be wonderful--full of happiness and children, or maybe the more time they spend together, the more the cracks will show...but, thats for them to sort out. 19 is very young to make a life long promise, but as you clearly stated, she knows what she wants out of her life--a husband and children--and those priorities haven't wavered in the whole time you've known her. Yes, she's had boyfriends with this goal in mind...but thats her goal, and not anything any of us can judge.

If she gets married, celebrate her happiness. If they seperate, mourn the loss with her. If they marry and later seperate, be a good friend. Let her be her--and do what she needs to do be happy.
 
How do you manage to graduate college at 19? Sounds like her life has been on a fast track already so she might be comparing herself to her older senior students at 22?

I don''t think saying anything would have any effect other than to cause awkwardness. Either the marriage will work out or it won''t, but it''s really up to her and her SO.
 
I have to say that if she is graduating college at 19 she must be pretty smart. SO and I have only been together for 3 months and I already know he is the one (granted I have known him since high school) and I have had friends question me to make sure it is really what I want. I gave them my honest answer that I respected their opinions but that this is what works for me and SO and then they said ok, I just want to make sure you are happy because we love you so much and if he makes you happy then we love him too. Then the subject was dropped. I would bring it up like that and make it quick and to the point. Like ripping a band aid off, and then leave it alone.
 
Date: 9/22/2008 2:46:02 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles
I have to say that if she is graduating college at 19 she must be pretty smart. SO and I have only been together for 3 months and I already know he is the one (granted I have known him since high school) and I have had friends question me to make sure it is really what I want. I gave them my honest answer that I respected their opinions but that this is what works for me and SO and then they said ok, I just want to make sure you are happy because we love you so much and if he makes you happy then we love him too. Then the subject was dropped. I would bring it up like that and make it quick and to the point. Like ripping a band aid off, and then leave it alone.
That''s definitely what BFF is leaning towards. Kind of a "I''m worried you''re rushing into things, but if you know in your heart he''s going to make you happy forever, I''m thrilled for you and will be there for you every step of the way until I dance myself silly at your wedding and play aunty to your kids."

I''m going to talk to her tonight. I think she''s just really worried because one of her friends got married a few months ago to a guy she hadn''t known that long, and he turned out to be abusive, so BFF is a little bit of a worrywort now.
 
Yeesh. No offense to them but I''m not feeling positive about that marriage. Seems like they are rushing into it at a young age to me.

Having said that, I''d stick with Smurfy''s advice.
 
I''d tell your friend to keep her feelings about it to herself, plenty of other people will probably ask S the same questions your BFF wants to.

My mother once told me that if I ever had anything negative to say about a friend''s relationship I should keep it to myself because they''d only resent me for saying it and continue to do what they want. Unfortunately, in my experience, this has turned out to be true. I think your BFF''s heart is in the right place, but I don''t think this conversation will establish anything but awkwardness in their friendship.
 
Sometimes people kill the messenger. You are sort of in a lose lose. If you do not say anything and it does not work she might be upset that you did not say anything sooner. If you say it, you are ruining her day and trying to spoil her happiness, so she will not be happy either.

I agree with the loving the friend but not the choices, and think you can say something that lets her know where you stand, but that you know it is her life and she will make the choices that work for her.
 
Date: 9/22/2008 2:36:19 PM
Author: purrfectpear
How do you manage to graduate college at 19? Sounds like her life has been on a fast track already so she might be comparing herself to her older senior students at 22?

I don''t think saying anything would have any effect other than to cause awkwardness. Either the marriage will work out or it won''t, but it''s really up to her and her SO.
Ditto.

HOWEVER . . .

I''m not saying that I would endorse a marriage if, say, my sister came home at 19 and said she''s marrying a guy she barely knows. HOWEVER, telling my sister that I''m worried about her choices is very different from telling a friend. We are sisters, and she''s stuck with me forever, no matter what I do. And vice versa.

Perhaps it depends on the relationship your BFF has with S. I have two very close girlfriends. I have been friends with one for 21 years, and with the other for six years. We tell each other nearly everything, and we have no qualms bringing up any issue whatsoever with each other. But, this is the nature of our relationships.

When I was an LIW myself, one of my close girlfriends said to me "Haven, are you sure this is really what you want? Are you sure you want to marry him?" She wasn''t saying that she didn''t think we were right for each other, she was just making sure that I really knew what I was getting into and wasn''t just hankering for a pretty bauble. And she''s my best friend, and that''s her job--to raise the difficult questions that I just *might* neglect to ask myself. She''s the same friend who asked me why the hell I was going to law school, and she was the same person who supported me when I later quit said law school. And she never said I told you so.

But these are my friends, and this is what we do for each other. We ask the difficult questions. We tell each other when we look fat in a potential outfit. We call each other out when we''re too deep into things to help ourselves. And we love each other enough to do it all.

If your BFF is that close with S, and if she TRULY believes that S is about to make a horrible mistake, perhaps she could ask her a difficult question. But then she should leave it at that. As Purrfectpear said, saying something will likely only cause awkwardness. Unless, of course, S is questioning her decision and needs a wake-up call.

Good luck. This is a tough situation. For what it''s worth, if it was my own sister I would just kidnap her and lock her in my spare bedroom until the whole thing blows over.
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If it was a not-extremely-close friend, I''d send a gift, dance at the wedding, and wish her nothing but the best.
 
If I''m being honest, I think if BFF had the kind of relationship where she could bring up the tough questions (like she would if it were me) she wouldn''t be calling me to ask for advice. She''d have just said it.

I know the reasons she''s worried, and think they''re valid (especially since S does not believe in divorce under any circumstances but abuse) but I tend to take the stance that it''s her life to do with what she will (and screw up if she wants to). Since BFF is my, well, BFF, I want to be able to give her level-headed advice when we talk about this because I know she''s caught in the emotion of it.

I really appreciate all the perspectives. You guys have really helped me figure out what I''m going to say to BFF, and then be there for her no matter what she decides.
 
From what you described, S was going to end up down this road eventually no matter what, correct? I completely understand why your friend wants to make sure that S has thought through this circumstance and whats going to happen after marrying this guy she''s only seen 6 times, who wouldnt want to talk to this girl and say "hey, I love you but you realize that this is a huge leap of faith on your part?". But, like I said, it sounds like she was going to get engaged sooner rather than later. Since many guys ran after she expressed her expectations too soon towards them, it only makes sense that she has those expectations met by someone who is the extreme 180 of the men who wanted to take much longer to get engaged - someone who''s also ready to take a leap of faith regardless of social standard. Since they''re both so willing (and he''s in the Navy which adds a whole other aspect to the situation - spousal support as far as increased housing allowance and separation support for his wife, not gf or fiance, when he''s deployed) they probably dont see the point in waiting for a long engagement - and if theyve only seen eachother 6 times in three months how much more time would be added to that score card if they went down the long engagement route? Maybe another months worth of broken weekends if they were lucky? Do you know if he''s planning on making a navy career for himself or if his service time is almost over? Maybe they''re planning on making up for a lost engagement once they''re married- with her free time before finding a job and his down time between the navy and what his next step in life is?

I think your bff should say something to her - just pick her words wisely. Everyone has posted a lot of relevant information, and if your bff goes into it knowing that she may very well meet a little resistance and defensive nature I think she should be fine. Of course S is going to be taken back by whatever is said, she''s been dreaming about this for years and seemed to only want to fill in the x factor, a man, so that her life could turn out the way she wanted it to. But maybe no one has approached her and honestly asked why she feels that way or what she''s expecting/prepared for with marriage. It might be something S needs brought to the table in order to really think about it hard.
 
Okay, really quickly:

The 6 times weren''t seperate trips. It was just 1 6-day-long trip. And she''s enrolled in school near where he''s stationed, but I don''t know if he''s due to be deployed anytime soon (which could definitely be a factor in speeding up the whole thing). The spousal support is an interesting point.

Anyways, I''m going to call BFF in a little bit. Thanks for all of the advice!
 
Wow, I see this happen often with people in the military (I was raised an Air Force brat).

It doesn''t sound like anything is going to change this girl''s mind, but I do think that your BFF should bring it up. The key is to talk about it on a VERY positive note. For example "It is so good to see you happy! You two really seem to love each other! But as a your friend it is my obligation to ask if you have really thought this through. My only concern it that you two may be rushing the wedding. Are you POSITIVE you don''t want to plan a longer courtship?" And leave it at that.

If your BFF starts pointing out all of the obvious reasons someone her age may be a little crazy in doing this, she is going to lose a friend. I know firsthand, I did this to my friend when she was 19 (only out of love, I promise) and she cut me out her life. I regret it to this day, I should have swallowed my opinions and supported her more. After all, they have now been happily married for 6 years and have a new baby.

I''m sure "S" is set in her decision, and if the wedding takes place I really think your BFF should support "S" by standing in her wedding (no matter what her opinions of the situation are), but at least BFF did her "job" in expressing her concern.
 
I don''t know if anyone mentioned that there is going to be an engagement period of about.. 6 or 7 months? Maybe S will realize she doesn''t like certain things about him or maybe they will work it out together so they do work out in the end. She isn''t getting married tomorrow..
 
Date: 9/22/2008 4:53:26 PM
Author: vita*dolce
I''d tell your friend to keep her feelings about it to herself, plenty of other people will probably ask S the same questions your BFF wants to.

My mother once told me that if I ever had anything negative to say about a friend''s relationship I should keep it to myself because they''d only resent me for saying it and continue to do what they want. Unfortunately, in my experience, this has turned out to be true. I think your BFF''s heart is in the right place, but I don''t think this conversation will establish anything but awkwardness in their friendship.

I hate to say it (only b/c it breaks my heart more than anything to think of it) But I agree with Vita*dolce 100% I mean, I would want my good friends to chime in and tell me if I was making a foolish decision, but that''s just me. I can take constructive criticism and be objective about it. My friends in my past experiences? Not so much
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I have seen and sadly said goodbye to many a friendship over giving what I thought was sincerely concerned advice about the r/s. EVEN when asked: Sheesh, like, what gives
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Anyway......

When someone makes up their mind where a r/s is concerned it''s almost impossible to change their perspective. They''ll only see you as the "enemy" who is trying to break up their r/s and doesn''t want to see them happy. They have to come to see certain things on their own.

My Great-Aunty always said whenever two people put their heads on one pillow at night, there is no room for you in their bed and stay out of it.... I wish I had listened to her earlier...

SL
 
Date: 9/22/2008 4:53:26 PM
Author: vita*dolce
I''d tell your friend to keep her feelings about it to herself, plenty of other people will probably ask S the same questions your BFF wants to.


My mother once told me that if I ever had anything negative to say about a friend''s relationship I should keep it to myself because they''d only resent me for saying it and continue to do what they want. Unfortunately, in my experience, this has turned out to be true. I think your BFF''s heart is in the right place, but I don''t think this conversation will establish anything but awkwardness in their friendship.

I have to say I agree with this as well... No one wants their joy/excitement and reasoning questioned.. especially when it comes to matters of the heart.
YES she may be very young, YES she may barely know the guy, but really.. she needs to live her own life, make her own decisions, make her own mistakes, etc. They may end up living happily ever after, who knows!
I think the BFF should be there, right along side her, supporting her and sharing in the joy. And if it doesn''t end up working out, she should also be there, right along side her, helping her pick up the pieces.

Put yourself in this girls place. Would you want something that you are sooo sure of in your heart to be attacked and questioned by other people?

I''m not saying i think this marriage at such a young age is the greatest idea, but really.. it''s no one''s business but the couple''s.
 
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