How would you feel if...?

[LtlFirecracker]

Just got home from work, and I am amazed by all the replies. I am glad I vented here, because something just happened to a friend of one of my bridesmaids that makes this whole thing seem trivial...

Porridge - I really tried not to go there ("well I did this for your wedding") until the rude e-mail occurred. I really didn''t want to go there. You are right, it is less drama for me. My FI''s sister massed e-mailed everyone about the dresses (she never e-mails in the morning!). So I wrote her a quick message telling her to stop writing the other girl. So now all the BM''s know.

RaiKai - I think you are right on target. I don''t want to get into her personal issues, but if I were in the relationship she is in, I would be very unhappy. Maybe she is happy, I don''t know. I just know I would go crazy.

zipzapgirl - I would have been fine with her saying no (I did ask after all), I just wish she did it upfront. My sister (who hates all that is girly) said that she would not wear a dress and do all that "girl stuff." No hard feelings, she is going to read a poem instead. But the difference is she was honest and polite about it. I don''t think I will say or do anything to kill the friendship, but I will distance myself from her. If her attitude changes, maybe there is a chance. I doubt anything will chance soon. Her situation is only going to get worse sad to say.

princesss - The last line about her always having to have her way is what gets me. When she wants something, she finds the money. When she doesn''t, she can''t afford it.

princessplease - that is exactly what my matron of honor said

turboflgrl - I don''t really care to deal with her. Just trying to figure out how to deal with not dealing with her. I already sent her a STD. I don''t really want her at my wedding. Trying to figure out the best way to go about letting her know that with minimal interaction

Italiahaircolor - I totally agree with you

Amzizzle - That is what I am trying to do. I have to be better than this or I have no right to complain or be upset

lilyfoot - I am very unhappy with how she handled it, I am very unhappy she assumed me and my FI will be like her and her husband. Someone at work (who is a little older and has seen a lot of stuff) said she thinks her husband pushed her into this, who knows. I am not sure it really matters.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Just got home from work, and I am amazed by all the replies. I am glad I vented here, because something just happened to a friend of one of my bridesmaids that makes this whole thing seem trivial...

Porridge - I really tried not to go there ("well I did this for your wedding") until the rude e-mail occurred. I really didn''t want to go there. You are right, it is less drama for me. My FI''s sister massed e-mailed everyone about the dresses (she never e-mails in the morning!). So I wrote her a quick message telling her to stop writing the other girl. So now all the BM''s know.

RaiKai - I think you are right on target. I don''t want to get into her personal issues, but if I were in the relationship she is in, I would be very unhappy. Maybe she is happy, I don''t know. I just know I would go crazy.

zipzapgirl - I would have been fine with her saying no (I did ask after all), I just wish she did it upfront. My sister (who hates all that is girly) said that she would not wear a dress and do all that "girl stuff." No hard feelings, she is going to read a poem instead. But the difference is she was honest and polite about it. I don''t think I will say or do anything to kill the friendship, but I will distance myself from her. If her attitude changes, maybe there is a chance. I doubt anything will chance soon. Her situation is only going to get worse sad to say.

princesss - The last line about her always having to have her way is what gets me. When she wants something, she finds the money. When she doesn''t, she can''t afford it.

princessplease - that is exactly what my matron of honor said

turboflgrl - I don''t really care to deal with her. Just trying to figure out how to deal with not dealing with her. I already sent her a STD. I don''t really want her at my wedding. Trying to figure out the best way to go about letting her know that with minimal interaction

Italiahaircolor - I totally agree with you

Amzizzle - That is what I am trying to do. I have to be better than this or I have no right to complain or be upset

lilyfoot - I am very unhappy with how she handled it, I am very unhappy she assumed me and my FI will be like her and her husband. Someone at work (who is a little older and has seen a lot of stuff) said she thinks her husband pushed her into this, who knows. I am not sure it really matters.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

turboflgrl - I totally replied to your post in my last message and it disappeared! I really don''t care to interact with her right now. I have enough going on in my life. I sent her a STD, I really don''t want her at the wedding now. I am trying to find the best way to deal with this with as little interaction as possible.

monkeyprincess - I know it is best she did this now. She has just caused me so much stress this week, and for what?

Sharon - You summed the situation up way better than I could

lucyandroger - thanks, there was a time I would not have been able to do that. I still have a lot of work to go to be where I want to be.

lilac - I agree with you. I am sorry you are going through that experience, especially since you were did not expect a lot from your BM financially. I know weddings can cost that much, but if you are putting in that kind of money, I would expect a grateful bride (my BM''s are getting pearl bracelets and taking them to brunch the morning of the wedding). In my ex-BM''s defense, she did give us some nice BM''s gifts. I actually asked that my shower and bachelorette party be in San Diego where the 2 girls who''s incomes are a little lower (including the one who dropped out) live. I was hoping to save them on travel. The girls (from what I know) have made plans for the shower and bachelorette party, and there is one less person to share costs. Of course they are saying "I am so sorry, we are here" but I know there are secretly cursing about the fact that they have one less person to split things with.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 5/11/2010 10:19:00 AM
Author: princesss
Right or not, I'd be miffed. There's a certain amount of reciprocity expected in friendships, and you went above and beyond for her, so you were hoping she'd at least be willing to stretch a bit for you. I think if she had left out the tacky e-mail criticizing the dresses, and hadn't thrown in that bit about 'You'll understand someday...', it'd be a different situation. If she'd just called you quietly and said, 'We're in over our heads, I'm sorry, we just can't make this work like we thought we could,' your reaction wouldn't have been what it was (which, btw, I think it totally understandable). But it sounds like everything has to be her way and she always has to be right, and that doesn't really help maintain relationships that require give and take.


I'm sorry your friend is disappointing you. That's never easy to deal with. *hug*

+1 Yup. Its the same part that really got me; the, "you don't have the capacity to understand cause you're not married like I am." Yuck.

ETA: I realize I'm a little late to the party!

 

[LtlFirecracker]

So I finally just got to talk to FI (he was on a plane coming back from NYC when this all happened). His response made me laugh. Total guy perception of a wedding and wedding party. He knows so much about certain elements for a wedding (invite etiquette, how to wear a tux, he even knows how to match colors better than me) but he was pretty clueless when it came to this situation. Guess this is why he is leaving me in charge. He just puts is Mother in line when that is needed (although she has been fine compared to the other horror stories I hear, I am very lucky).

Me: "So friend x is out"

FI: "Why is she out"

I repeat story

FI: "That''s lame. So, are you going to ask friend y?"

Me: "What? No, that would be weird, I am going to have three."

FI: (pause) "So, do I need to pair my party to 3?"

Me: "NO!!!! We will be mis matched, you don''t ask someone to step down to make the number even."

FI: "Oh, OK (relieved)....is she coming?"

Me: "I don''t really want here there."

FI: "Good, neither do I."

His groomsmen have been so much more simple. But I came away from this thinking with the guys idea of a wedding party. Some good friends to match the number of bridesmaids the bride has.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Date: 5/11/2010 9:51:55 PM
Author: IndyLady

Date: 5/11/2010 10:19:00 AM

Author: princesss

Right or not, I'd be miffed. There's a certain amount of reciprocity expected in friendships, and you went above and beyond for her, so you were hoping she'd at least be willing to stretch a bit for you. I think if she had left out the tacky e-mail criticizing the dresses, and hadn't thrown in that bit about 'You'll understand someday...', it'd be a different situation. If she'd just called you quietly and said, 'We're in over our heads, I'm sorry, we just can't make this work like we thought we could,' your reaction wouldn't have been what it was (which, btw, I think it totally understandable). But it sounds like everything has to be her way and she always has to be right, and that doesn't really help maintain relationships that require give and take.



I'm sorry your friend is disappointing you. That's never easy to deal with. *hug*

+1 Yup. Its the same part that really got me; the, 'you don't have the capacity to understand cause you're not married like I am.' Yuck.

ETA: I realize I'm a little late to the party!

No you are not. I just got done finished telling my FI who was on an airplane when all this happened. I was shocked when he told me he does not want her at the wedding. I didn't think he would have that strong of an opinion on the matter.

Yeah, I get annoyed when people pull the "I have a family" line on me.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I agree with everyone else - you have every right to be upset, but I would try to let this go, and dismiss her from your life. You are not in need of people like her!