Hurt by favortism in family

[rosie78]

Hi everyone!

I am a newbie. I am 28 and got engaged this past May. I am writing about a problem I am having with my engagement, and I was hoping that someone could help me cope.

I am the youngest in a family of five siblings. My oldest sister is 45, she is from my mother''s first marriage, although she was adopted by my father when he and my mom married. My mom and dad had three biological children, all girls, A, B, and me. I should say that my oldest sister is quite wealthy, lives extravagantly, is very beautiful, and so nice and cool that you would never resent her for all that she has. She has always been generous with our family, i.e., sending us her old designer clothes, giving awesome birthday presents, etc.

Anyway, my sister B got married last year. When she got engaged, which had been a long time coming and after considerable effort on her part. my oldest sister was thrilled about B''s engagement (we all were, of course!). My oldest sister sent sister B a very nice engagement present. Then she told B that she wanted to throw her an engagement party for all of her friends and family, it was a very nice party with appx. 50 friends and family at a great restaurant in our town. It was very generous. My oldest sister also contributed to B''s wedding shower and gave her an incredible wedding present.

Well, I got engaged in May and my oldest sister never sent me a present. Then she never offered to give me and my fiance an engagement party. Okay, so I was a little hurt, but my fiance and I started to make plans for our own engagement party since no one was stepping up to the plate to give us one. I even told her (in a subtle way) that we were going to throw our own engagement party. She said, "That''s great!" Then, my birthday was last week. She called me up every day of the week and sang "Happy Birthday" to me, but never sent me a gift.

Knowing my oldest sister, I know that these gaffes are not unintentional. She is the most "together" person that I know. She ALWAYS keeps track of brithday gifts, what she is giving people for gifts, etc. There is zero possibility that she "forgot" any of these things.

To clarify, I know my oldest sister is just as close to me as she is to sister B. We talk on the phone all the time, I do what I can to help her with problems, etc. Also, I know her financial condition is just as good (if not better) than it was during B''s engagement period. Finally, I know that my oldest sister adores my fiance and his family (so it can''t be that she doesn''t like him).

So I guess my question is: What gives? Why would be do SO many extravagant things for sister B, then nada when I come along? I am trying not to be hurt, but I can hardly believe how she has decided not to anything for me.

 

[larussel03]

if you guys are really close, maybe you should talk to her and ask her. Maybe she''s having some financial difficulty, or maybe she''s always seen you as the responsible one who doesnt need extra gifts and affirmation, or something along those lines? Rather than letting it upset you without knowing why, you should talk to her.

 

[decodelighted]

Hey Rosie ...

Yikes. That''s so frustrating & saddening. As an "oldest" kid of six, I have my suspicions as to what''s going on ...

* sometimes there''s a feeling that "the youngest" is the most spoiled ... has had so many siblings to smother them with affection, gifts etc ... whereas "the oldest" had to go it alone for years.

* sometimes when you get to the 2nd or 3rd wedding in a family (or 2nd or 3rd grandchild), there''s not as much energy or excitement about it. It''s like "been there, done that" .. or worse ... "not again! that was so much WORK & $$".

Neither of those concepts is "fair" or even accurate. Just a guess.

FWIW ... I''m the oldest, but the third daughter to get married. No one gives a rat''s a**. No engagement party, shower, bachelorette party - nothin. No gifts AT ALL. I''ve been engaged since November, the wedding is in October. My sisters barely mention it at all as they''ve all been a little busy with GIVING BIRTH. I''ve even had to arrange where the family will stay in Oct. (something I did for each of their weddings ... as well as co-hostng one shower & entirely funding/hosting one bachelorette slumber party at a hotel suite!). I think they figured when after being a bridesmaid for each of them ... I chose my brother as the sole "Dude of Honor" .. that they were "off the hook" entirely.

Hang in there. If you do too much comparing, it''ll drive you batty!

 

[rosie78]

Thanks for the responses.

I would talk to her and ask her, but it is unwise for two reasons: (i) she''s very passive-aggressive and I don''t want to deal with her being mad at me, and (ii) she''s already done so much for me in my life that I think it would be kind of ungrateful to express any expectations for more from her.

Deco, I think you are probably close to the right answer. Sister B is the kind of person who everyone loves. I am popular and well-liked, but not nearly to the same degree.

My oldest sister IS a very competitive person. She always likes to be the center of attention, i.e., the whole family is expected to come to events in her family''s honor, like a high school graduation party or sweet 16 party for her kid, but she doesn''t show up to similar events (i.e., me and my fiance''s graduation party from grad school last year). In fact, I am almost sure that she resented my engagement because her daughter''s graduation party fell one week after my engagement. So I went down to see them with a big diamond ring and everyone was spreading the good news about me, thus taking attention away from her and her daughter.

There is one last reason I can think of that she didn''t give me an engagement party. At sister B''s engagement party, there were three tables. My oldest sister and her family, who hosted and paid for the event, sat at a table pretty much alone. Every else sat at the other two tables and had a grand old time. I remember thinking to myself, I bet they aren''t having a great time all isolated over there... and the thought did occur to me that night that my oldest sister would not throw a similar event for another family member after being ignored (a strong word, but I could see how she felt that way) that night. So that might be it too.

Do you think this last reason could be it? Or is it a combination of reasons? In any event, how should I deal?

 

[diamondfan]

Without knowing her it is hard to really assess. However, you are hurting, and passive aggressive or not you need to say something to her before it continues to fester. I know this is tough, I have an extremely passive aggressive mother in law and I am not comfortable asserting myself when I feel hurt or upset. However, I think there has to be a way, a nice one, in which you can take her out to lunch and explain how you feel. I think that is better than wondering and second guessing her motives and at the end of the day just feeling hurt. I would absolutely stress how much you admire her and appreciate all she has done for you in the past. This is NOT about that. This is about now, and some specific hurtful things she has done that are out of character for her. Honestly, it is best to deal with something head on than let it eat away at you. You will eventually blow, and it will likely not go well. Do it while you can still feel in control of your emotions, jmho...good luck. Family dynamics can really stink.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 8/8/2006 5:52:41 PM
Author: rosie78
Do you think this last reason could be it? In any event, how should I deal?

In a word - YES. Sound like giving the party for "B" wasn''t so much about how much she loved "B" ... but more about how much fun it would be/how much attention/praise etc it would garner for HERSELF. When it didn''t work out so well for her ... why do it again?

How to deal? Realize that what people do & don''t do says much more about THEM than it does about how they feel about YOU. Weddings really do tend to bring out the best & worst in people & families. It''s kinda impossible to "demand" attention without seeming bratty or spoiled or bridezillaish. I''d try to stay surrounded with the people who are happiest for you (people who are at a generous spirited time of their lives) & discount those who don''t seem as happy/generous/supportive etc ...

When my 2nd sister got married I remember feeling like "geez, she got a great guy, AND a great house, AND someone to support her while she finishes grad school, AND a great ring, AND THEN SHE GETS ALL THESE GIFTS & DRESSES & PARTIES & ATTENTION on top of all that??" It was like how celebs get free stuff ... the ones that DON''T NEED IT!! So ... keep in mind that you''ve got a lot of "great stuff" right now without all the extra attention (I tell MYSELF this as well!!

).

 

[codex57]

Date: 8/8/2006 5:52:41 PM
Author: rosie78

There is one last reason I can think of that she didn''t give me an engagement party. At sister B''s engagement party, there were three tables. My oldest sister and her family, who hosted and paid for the event, sat at a table pretty much alone. Every else sat at the other two tables and had a grand old time. I remember thinking to myself, I bet they aren''t having a great time all isolated over there... and the thought did occur to me that night that my oldest sister would not throw a similar event for another family member after being ignored (a strong word, but I could see how she felt that way) that night. So that might be it too.


Do you think this last reason could be it? Or is it a combination of reasons? In any event, how should I deal?

Sounds like it. Apparently, various family and family friends were grumpy cuz we didn''t spend what they thought was an appropriate time with them at our wedding.

Maybe you can counteract it by asking her thta you''re thinking of seating arrangements at the engagement party and asking her if she needed a table alone like at your middle sister''s wedding? Say that, instead, you wanted to integrate your oldest sister''s family among the rest more cuz you''d think it''d be more fun if the whole family were all mixed together and having fun together.