Husband or Kids

[Definitely. Maybe]

Date: 2/26/2009 1:26:39 PM
Author: BizouMom
It all depends on circumstances. If you cannot have children, or both don''t want children, that is one thing. If the case is that one person has had children and adamately wants no more, and the other person has a heart''s desire of being a parent, I think it is a prescription for heartache all the way around. I have had friends in both circumstances. One married and never had a child, and ended up resenting her husband terribly. The other married, had a child, and her husband resented the ''pressure'' on him. Interesting thing is, that ususally the one that is adament about no children is the one that already has children, so there is some measure of selfishness there, IMHO. Hope this makes some sense.

I definitely have a heart''s desire to be a mother. I really look forward to it one day. It doesn''t mean I love my BF any less. I just cannot imagine not being a mother.

Then again I would only want to be in a relationship that wanted the same life goals as me, such as having children. I think resentment would grow if you don''t or if one is really adament about certain issues one way or another.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 2/26/2009 11:21:49 AM
Author: tlh
Fab hubby. Fur babies work for me, and if I don''t have kiddos... more money for fab diamonds!

lol and ditto!

 

[sammyj]

The 'biological child' part of the question is throwing me off...

I feel like I was put onto this earth to be a mother, but that doesn't mean I need to give birth. I would more than happy with adoption. My BF/FF on the other hand, he's an absolute must in my life and there's no substitution or alternate options with him!!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

This question will be answered differently depending on whether one is a mother already or not! When you''re first in love, you think there can be no greater love. But then you have babies, and you realize there is a different but totally unconditional love that is unlike anything you could ever imagine. I am blessed to have children by birth and adoption, and both are equally powerful.

 

[IloveAsschers13]

I can''t honestly answer that question... I think I would not have lived my life to the fullest if I didn''t have a child, but nothing in the WORLD would make me give up my boyfriend. I think it''s great that we don''t have to choose

I am around kids all the time, and I truly think I will not be the person I''m supposed to be without having children at some point... the experience of birth, the first minute of their life, everything.. but at the same time, I need FI to do all these things hahaha

 

[Haven]

My husband is my life partner, I cannot imagine living without him, and I wouldn''t want to.

 

[MrsHToBe]

I can''t choose. H2B, and I have a DD, and I can''t imagine my life without either one of them.

 

[janinegirly]

I think it''s obvious people can''t "choose" between their own husband, FI or child--but I looked at the question as being more big picture--ie do not think of your own personal attachment. Meaning if you had no one in your life right now and HAD to choose one or the other for the future, which would you? Of course your own life experiences to this point are going to influence your answer (which is what makes it interesting)--but I think it kind of misses the point to just say you couldn''t live without your current SO/DH,etc., because that''s kind of already assumed otherwise you wouldn''t be with him!

Starkist: can you share your thoughts or situation--I''m curious what led you to ask such a provocative question

 

[Erin]

Maybe the choice could be between a woman having a child of her own before the proverbial clock runs out of minutes - donor father - or keep searching for Mr. Right.

 

[anchor31]

We had a similar discussion at dinner with my family once... I don''t remember why, but my grandma said that my late-grandfather (who died at 44; my uncle and mom were 16 and 12) that if he were to choose between saving his wife''s life or his children''s, he''d pick his wife because he wouldn''t know how to care for his children without her.

My cousin then turned to me and asked me what my choice would be. ''I would save my child,'' I said right away. No question. Then I looked at DH and told him that while I adore him and can''t imagine not having him in my life, there''s no way I could let our child die, even at the cost of losing him. DH understands and feels the same. I told him that if he were faced with this decision and chose me I probably couldn''t handle it anyway. As much as I love him, if he were to let our child when he would have had a chance to save him/her, it would destroy our marriage, and he''d end up losing both of us.

On a TV show recently (I think it was Grey''s Anatomy?), a man said to his pregnant wife''s surgeon that if it came to saving his wife or the unborn child, he wanted the doctors to save his wife because "they could make another child, but not another her". I can understand the sentiment, but I don''t share it.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Don''t know if I''ve read this a bit sneakily but can I not choose to have children but then have a long term partner to have them with but never marry? So TECHNICALLY he''s not my husband but he is a life partner, so then I get my kids and a partner?

 

[LilyOfTheValley]

I really don't care for being a mother...ever. The older I get, the less I want the lifestyle.

I just want to be married, fabulous, travel the world, and do whatever the heck we feel like doing without having to take a 3rd person into consideration. My boyfriend and I are not very family-oriented (as far as having a kid goes), and to us, home is a state of mind.

My parents LOVE being parents, and have told me that even though it was hard work, they enjoyed raising me very much.
However, whenever I imagine myself having a child, it would just feel so burdensome; I would feel like there's one boulder pressed against my chest, while another is pressed against my back. It just seems so burdensome and tiring, and it's not something that I would ever find joy in. I also have no interest in taking a kid to school, taking them home, helping them with homework, watching them grow up, etc., etc. Not interested.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 2/27/2009 6:07:36 PM
Author: LilyOfTheValley
I really don''t care for being a mother...ever. The older I get, the less I want the lifestyle.


I just want to be married, fabulous, travel the world, and do whatever the heck we feel like doing without having to take a 3rd person into consideration. My boyfriend and I are not very family-oriented (as far as having a kid goes), and to us, home is a state of mind.


My parents LOVE being parents, and have told me that even though it was hard work, they enjoyed raising me very much.

However, whenever I imagine myself having a child, it would just feel so burdensome; I would feel like there''s one boulder pressed against my chest, while another is pressed against my back. It just seems so burdensome and tiring, and it''s not something that I would ever find joy in. I also have no interest in taking a kid to school, taking them home, helping them with homework, watching them grow up, etc., etc. Not interested.

Ditto. Growing up, I wanted a family. I figured it''s what people do, so I didn''t question it. As I get older, and see my friend have kids, I think to myself, that does not look compelling to me. They seem stressed and tired, the division of labor is helplessly skewed, and they are constrained in a number of ways. I am much more excited about the thought of jet-setting around the world, going to interesting places, meeting interesting people, doing interesting things, and spoiling my nieces and nephews

. I think if I had a kid, there is a chance that I might resent it. So, I probably shouldn''t have one.

 

[Definitely. Maybe]

Date: 2/27/2009 9:08:06 AM
Author: janinegirly
I think it''s obvious people can''t ''choose'' between their own husband, FI or child--but I looked at the question as being more big picture--ie do not think of your own personal attachment. Meaning if you had no one in your life right now and HAD to choose one or the other for the future, which would you? Of course your own life experiences to this point are going to influence your answer (which is what makes it interesting)--but I think it kind of misses the point to just say you couldn''t live without your current SO/DH,etc., because that''s kind of already assumed otherwise you wouldn''t be with him!

Starkist: can you share your thoughts or situation--I''m curious what led you to ask such a provocative question

Ditto to it all. I feel like some people missed the point (maybe, not JMO) and just didn''t choose. I agree Starkist that the phrasing of it makes a difference. I looked at it as two options and only two options: have a child OR have Mr. Right and that is how I chose. Would I PREFER to have my BF, absolutely, but I know in my heart having a child (by birth or adoption) is really important to me.

So, taking it another step, maybe it should have been phrased (since we all, probably, have SOs we love dearly): If your SO didn''t want to have a child (and you did) would you choose to stay with him (without child) or have a child (without him)?

I''m sure there are even better ways to word the question. oh well. I found it really interesting how many people voted SO over a child. I''d really like to know what the average response outside of PS. interesting...

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

I never wanted to be married, but did want to be a mother. I am both--and both are challenging but not equally rewarding. I choose motherhood.

cheers--Sharon

 

[february2003bride]

I was a mother for 6 years before I became a wife and there is no way I could choose between the two. My life as a mother (even as a single mother) is so amazing and full of love, laughter, kisses, hugs, snuggles, pride growing in my heart daily, that I could never choose not to have my children in my life. However, my husband is my husband. He''s my one, he makes me laugh everyday, he''s my rock, my best friend, the father of my 2 sons and now my daughter''s adoptive father, and if he leaves this earth before I do, my life will never be the same. I just can''t choose between children or husband which is a GREAT thing because it means I''m blessed

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 2/26/2009 11:54:27 AM
Author: janinegirly
This is a tough but very interesting question. I voted mini me (and hope DH never reads this). I guess if I remove emotion/attachment from it and just answer the question in it''s purest form (ie honestly and objectively), I have to say I feel like men can come and go, and while a lifetime partner is such an integral part of a happy life, *sometimes* things change over the years / decades. Whether it be divorce or people growing apart or new interests or hidden secrets. A child though--that is flesh and blood and a deep love that is beyond random pairing. That is such a cynical thing to say I know, but if you think about it, finding your partner, is essentially a random pairing which involves some good luck and timing--and if you never met your current SO, you eventually would have met someone else. I always thought I would have been ok if DH and I didn''t or weren''t able to have kids (we married late--me at 35 and he in his 40''s), but now that I have a baby, I''m not so sure. The fact that I waited so long to marry also shows that I was more focused on finding the right person rather than someone I could have a baby with asap, but in the end, it turned out the baby meant more to completing my life than I could''ve imagined.

Ditto - I also picked child for the same reasons. Before I had a child, I would have picked the spouse, ,but now that I have the child, I would choose him first. I have an unconditional love for my child, whereas relationship love comes with conditions (no cheating, etc.).

 

[bee*]

Date: 2/26/2009 11:28:45 AM
Author: Lorelei
Hubby and fur babies!

ditto! I couldn''t imagine not being with D.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 2/27/2009 10:20:02 PM
Author: vespergirl

Ditto - I also picked child for the same reasons. Before I had a child, I would have picked the spouse, ,but now that I have the child, I would choose him first. I have an unconditional love for my child, whereas relationship love comes with conditions (no cheating, etc.).

that is an interesting perspective. Is the relationship more rewarding because it is unconditional? I was just thinking about the relationship between novelty and sense of reward/satisfaction. Because most people can have kids, regardless of whether they find that one perfect partner, that diamond in the rough. And I suppose the lucky ones get both!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/28/2009 4:13:15 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 2/27/2009 10:20:02 PM
Author: vespergirl

Ditto - I also picked child for the same reasons. Before I had a child, I would have picked the spouse, ,but now that I have the child, I would choose him first. I have an unconditional love for my child, whereas relationship love comes with conditions (no cheating, etc.).

that is an interesting perspective. Is the relationship more rewarding because it is unconditional? I was just thinking about the relationship between novelty and sense of reward/satisfaction. Because most people can have kids, regardless of whether they find that one perfect partner, that diamond in the rough. And I suppose the lucky ones get both!

It''s unconditional because you don''t care about reward. Sometimes it is not rewarding, but it is amazingly fulfilling.

This poll (which I did not vote on) is obviously skewed. Ask me 2 years ago and I would have voted husband (didn''t want kids). Now, if I had to be totally objective with what I know now, I would have to choose my daughter. I love her in a way I never knew I could love anyone. All consuming. Really.

 

[audball]

I selected that the question is moot since I don''t want children to begin with. But say I did, I would definitely prefer to have a loving husband. They (ideally) are in your life forever whereas children grown up and get their own lives. Thinking about the big picture and leaving my BF out of the mindset, I definitely want a future loving husband who shares the idea that children are more work than I would like in my life.

 

[Rhea]

Do you think it makes a difference if your husband in this poll were a step-father to your children?

 

[Mediterranean]

Date: 2/27/2009 7:19:09 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 2/27/2009 6:07:36 PM

Author: LilyOfTheValley

I really don''t care for being a mother...ever. The older I get, the less I want the lifestyle.



I just want to be married, fabulous, travel the world, and do whatever the heck we feel like doing without having to take a 3rd person into consideration. My boyfriend and I are not very family-oriented (as far as having a kid goes), and to us, home is a state of mind.



My parents LOVE being parents, and have told me that even though it was hard work, they enjoyed raising me very much.


However, whenever I imagine myself having a child, it would just feel so burdensome; I would feel like there''s one boulder pressed against my chest, while another is pressed against my back. It just seems so burdensome and tiring, and it''s not something that I would ever find joy in. I also have no interest in taking a kid to school, taking them home, helping them with homework, watching them grow up, etc., etc. Not interested.

Ditto. Growing up, I wanted a family. I figured it''s what people do, so I didn''t question it. As I get older, and see my friend have kids, I think to myself, that does not look compelling to me. They seem stressed and tired, the division of labor is helplessly skewed, and they are constrained in a number of ways. I am much more excited about the thought of jet-setting around the world, going to interesting places, meeting interesting people, doing interesting things, and spoiling my nieces and nephews

. I think if I had a kid, there is a chance that I might resent it. So, I probably shouldn''t have one.

THRITTO! Or, "quadritto" since Namaste also voted "moot point" for the same reasons. I think that as I have become older, I have become set-in-my-ways, so to speak and I can''t really imagine making the kind of sacrifices that having kids demands. Plus, FI has a job that is 100% travel---there''s absolutely no guarantee that he''d be home for kids'' birthdays or graduations or other milestones, so it would cheat the kids out of a Dad who shares that stuff or it would cheat my husband out of a career he loves. Plus, I don''t think I could ever give up sleeping in late on the weekends, and just laying around reading the Sunday paper each week, with no one bothering me...

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 2/28/2009 4:13:15 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 2/27/2009 10:20:02 PM
Author: vespergirl

Ditto - I also picked child for the same reasons. Before I had a child, I would have picked the spouse, ,but now that I have the child, I would choose him first. I have an unconditional love for my child, whereas relationship love comes with conditions (no cheating, etc.).

that is an interesting perspective. Is the relationship more rewarding because it is unconditional? I was just thinking about the relationship between novelty and sense of reward/satisfaction. Because most people can have kids, regardless of whether they find that one perfect partner, that diamond in the rough. And I suppose the lucky ones get both!

Well, I replied that because I am divorced - my first husband changed so much once we married, that I felt like I hardly knew him anymore. So, I guess that I see romantic relationships as conditional, and the feelings between the people in the couple can change. However, now that I have a child with my second husband, the intensity of the love that I have for my child is much stronger than any love I have ever felt in my life. Romantic love is wonderful, but passion fades over time and turns into more of a "commitment - shared life" love, as opposed to the increasingly intense love that I have for my child. I do love my husband very much, but there are things that could happen that would endanger our relationship - nothing my son could ever do would make me love him less.

 

[EmmaW]

I can''t choose. The love that i have for both my baby son and husband is beyond anything i could ever have imagined and can''t imagine not having the both of them in my life.