Hypothetical Question for Men (OK OK OK Women Too)

[RubyCharm]

I felt the urge to create my first poll. Feel free to participate

If your long-time girlfriend (who you have a wonderful relationship with) gave you a deadline to propose and you missed the deadline, leading to her dumping you instantly and asking you to never contact her again, what would you most likely do among the following options? (If you are a woman and want to participate in the poll, just choose an answer among the last 4 options indicating what you would want your SO to do if faced with this situation).

 

[musey]

This should be interesting...

I would hope that a hard-and-fast deadline wouldn''t be necessary if their relationship truly is ''wonderful.'' Otherwise it was just ''wonderful'' except for that massive non-wonderful issue of not being on the same page about marriage.

Same disclaimer I always give about there being exceptions to the rule

 

[Maisie]

I asked my husband what he would do if it was me and he picked B. He said he wasn''t listening properly and would have picked A if he had been.

 

[strmrdr]

none of the above....
I would have been out the door the second she said there was a deadline.

 

[RubyCharm]

Date: 4/29/2009 7:57:54 PM
Author: Maisie
I asked my husband what he would do if it was me and he picked B. He said he wasn''t listening properly and would have picked A if he had been.

LOL

My FI would pick B and so would I

 

[RubyCharm]

Date: 4/29/2009 7:59:40 PM
Author: strmrdr
none of the above....

I would have been out the door the second she said there was a deadline.

Too bad I didn''t add that option; I bet a lot of guys feel that way.

I created this poll mainly to gain a better insight into what guys would do, because sometimes women have an idea of what''s the right thing for guys to do and they just assume that guys know what that is (in many cases, a lot of ladies would think that option is ANSWER A, while a lot of guys wouldn''t).

 

[Steel]

I voted I''m a woman D. (It was the closest match)

I hope this is not personal for you because this is an honest answer from an old married gal.

If I were a man I would walk away. I would propose if, when and in my own good time. Ladies can hint as much as they like but deadline = buh-bye

Any lady worth proposing to should not be put in this position by her man unless he did not want to propose. If that is her deal breaker then she should go fishing in the big dating pool for a better match.

As a woman I would never ''force'' a man to propose. Gentle or firm hinting/suggesting/saving rings as a screesaver etc is fine but if he wants to marry you he will ask. If not, do not waste your time. Walk out with dignity, not a deadline.

Afterthought:
Women often come on bemoaning their proposal. What great proposal story involves tears, late night phone calls and a break up? I doubt the grandkids want to hear that one.
And yes I know that many a happy married PS''er did use a deadline and walked away only to get a proposal and happy marriage. I''m just saying it is not for me.

(I know - you did not ask for a thesis just to tick an effing box!

)

 

[RubyCharm]

Date: 4/29/2009 8:22:13 PM
Author: Steel
I voted I''m a woman D. (It was the closest match)


I hope this is not personal for you because this is an honest answer from an old married gal.


If I were a man I would walk away. I would propose if, when and in my own good time. Ladies can hint as much as they like but deadline = buh-bye

Any lady worth proposing to should not be put in this position by her man unless he did not want to propose. If that is her deal breaker then she should go fishing in the big dating pool for a better match.


As a woman I would never ''force'' a man to propose. Gentle or firm hinting/suggesting/saving rings as a screesaver etc is fine but if he wants to marry you he will ask. If not, do not waste your time. Walk out with dignity, not a deadline.


Afterthought:

Women often come on bemoaning their proposal. What great proposal story involves tears, late night phone calls and a break up? I doubt the grandkids want to hear that one.

And yes I know that many a happy married PS''er did use a deadline and walked away only to get a proposal and happy marriage. I''m just saying it is not for me.


(I know - you did not ask for a thesis just to tick an effing box!

)

It''s nothing personal

It''s just out of curiosity

I''ve been with my guy for a long time, but never pressured him or gave him a deadline to propose. We got engaged when we both were ready to do so.

 

[D&T]

I vote D.... however, if she was the love of your life and vice versa I would not expect to make a deadline or else kinda thing,,, takes the romance out of just being in love....

 

[elle_chris]

I have a friend who did that. They were dating for years and apparently he needed the ultimatum. They''re now very happily married.

I think it really depends on the situation.

 

[Steel]

Date: 4/29/2009 8:35:49 PM
Author: RubyCharm

Date: 4/29/2009 8:22:13 PM
Author: Steel
I voted I''m a woman D. (It was the closest match)


I hope this is not personal for you because this is an honest answer from an old married gal.


If I were a man I would walk away. I would propose if, when and in my own good time. Ladies can hint as much as they like but deadline = buh-bye

Any lady worth proposing to should not be put in this position by her man unless he did not want to propose. If that is her deal breaker then she should go fishing in the big dating pool for a better match.


As a woman I would never ''force'' a man to propose. Gentle or firm hinting/suggesting/saving rings as a screesaver etc is fine but if he wants to marry you he will ask. If not, do not waste your time. Walk out with dignity, not a deadline.


Afterthought:

Women often come on bemoaning their proposal. What great proposal story involves tears, late night phone calls and a break up? I doubt the grandkids want to hear that one.

And yes I know that many a happy married PS''er did use a deadline and walked away only to get a proposal and happy marriage. I''m just saying it is not for me.


(I know - you did not ask for a thesis just to tick an effing box!

)

It''s nothing personal

It''s just out of curiosity

I''ve been with my guy for a long time, but never pressured him or gave him a deadline to propose. We got engaged when we both were ready to do so.

So you are a pot stirrer!

 

[RubyCharm]

Date: 4/29/2009 8:55:14 PM
Author: Steel

Date: 4/29/2009 8:35:49 PM

Author: RubyCharm

Date: 4/29/2009 8:22:13 PM

Author: Steel

I voted I''m a woman D. (It was the closest match)



I hope this is not personal for you because this is an honest answer from an old married gal.



If I were a man I would walk away. I would propose if, when and in my own good time. Ladies can hint as much as they like but deadline = buh-bye

Any lady worth proposing to should not be put in this position by her man unless he did not want to propose. If that is her deal breaker then she should go fishing in the big dating pool for a better match.



As a woman I would never ''force'' a man to propose. Gentle or firm hinting/suggesting/saving rings as a screesaver etc is fine but if he wants to marry you he will ask. If not, do not waste your time. Walk out with dignity, not a deadline.



Afterthought:


Women often come on bemoaning their proposal. What great proposal story involves tears, late night phone calls and a break up? I doubt the grandkids want to hear that one.


And yes I know that many a happy married PS''er did use a deadline and walked away only to get a proposal and happy marriage. I''m just saying it is not for me.



(I know - you did not ask for a thesis just to tick an effing box!

)

It''s nothing personal

It''s just out of curiosity

I''ve been with my guy for a long time, but never pressured him or gave him a deadline to propose. We got engaged when we both were ready to do so.

So you are a pot stirrer!

Hehehehe, just today

...

I need to find something to occupy my time, but I''m usually a very busy angel

 

[RubyCharm]

Also, this poll will serve a purpose (even though I know it's not statistically significant or even accurate). I have a hypothesis that I'll reveal at the end, when enough people have participated

 

[musey]

Date: 4/29/2009 7:59:40 PM
Author: strmrdr
none of the above....
I would have been out the door the second she said there was a deadline.

Ditto, personally...

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 4/29/2009 7:59:40 PM
Author: strmrdr
none of the above....

I would have been out the door the second she said there was a deadline.

Absolutely.

If you feel the need to give a deadline - in other words, an ultimatum - then your relationship is on the rocks anyway.

 

[Steel]

Date: 4/29/2009 9:03:59 PM
Author: RubyCharm
Also, this poll will serve a purpose (even though I know it''s not statistically significant or even accurate). I have a hypothesis that I''ll reveal at the end, when enough people have participated

**cough** **cough**

So is it quantity rather than quality...

 

[basil]

option E - I''d feel relieved that she had the guts to break off the dysfunctional relationship, since I obviously lacked the guts to do it myself.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 4/29/2009 9:35:58 PM
Author: basil
option E - I''d feel relieved that she had the guts to break off the dysfunctional relationship, since I obviously lacked the guts to do it myself.

Word--I''d think it was pretty telling that she had more respect for herself than I had for her.

 

[RubyCharm]

Date: 4/29/2009 9:25:42 PM
Author: Steel

Date: 4/29/2009 9:03:59 PM

Author: RubyCharm

Also, this poll will serve a purpose (even though I know it''s not statistically significant or even accurate). I have a hypothesis that I''ll reveal at the end, when enough people have participated

**cough** **cough**


So is it quantity rather than quality...

Exactly

 

[purrfectpear]

Cliff Notes:

"OP based this poll from a post where a couple had been together for SEVEN YEARS and the guy had been promising marriage, and they MUTUALLY discussed a deadline, which he missed, and OP was all for giving him more chances while the majority of posters said OP was all wet, resulting in this poll (though OP conveniently forgot the part about the many promises and the mutual deadline)"

It''s all about transparency

 

[trillionaire]

I didn't vote. As a woman in a 5.5+ year relationship I would absolutely let my SO know that I was getting to the end of my rope. I wouldn't give them a deadline, per se, (mine would be internal at best), but respectfully, men and women often view these matters differently, and my anxiousness might not be clear to my partner if I did not say so. If my partner did not take my discomfort seriously, then that is a sign to me. If he did not take my indication of discontent seriously before I walked, but he seriously wanted me, I would assume he would do his best to make this clear to me, even after the fact.

SO and I broke up once, many years ago, and afterwards, he contacted me and very clearly outlined his case for why we should get back together and said he wouldn't ask again. I said 'no', and he never asked again. When I got MYSELF together, I asked him back out, and here we are many, many happy years later. If someone says that they want to spend the rest of their life with you, and they leave, it's because you are not reciprocating that sentiment, not because their feelings have changed. If you feel the same way, then you have nothing to lose by saying so. If you DON'T say so, there is probably a reason.

 

[RubyCharm]

Date: 4/29/2009 11:05:52 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Cliff Notes:


''OP based this poll from a post where a couple had been together for SEVEN YEARS and the guy had been promising marriage, and they MUTUALLY discussed a deadline, which he missed, and OP was all for giving him more chances while the majority of posters said OP was all wet, resulting in this poll (though OP conveniently forgot the part about the many promises and the mutual deadline)''

It''s all about transparency

Just because I based my poll on that particular post doesn''t mean that my poll lacks transparency. First of all, it''s just a fun post, so chill

. Second, I already stated that I know this post won''t be statistically accurate or significant, so it''s not like I''m going to report my results in an academic journal (therefore, a certain amount of bias is acceptable). Third, I didn''t "conveniently forgot the part about the many promises and the mutual deadline." It''s true that there were many broken promises, but the poster did actually come up with the deadline on her own. So, she DID GIVE HIM A DEADLINE, and therefore, I''m not misrepresenting any information as far as that particular issue is concerned. Besides, it''s not like you can add every single detail and option to a poll that was meant to help me keep busy on a day in which I''m having way too much free time, while entertaining other people a little.

 

[RubyCharm]

My Hypothesis:

I was just trying to test my belief that if a guy were to face the situation described at the beginning of this poll, he would be least likely to choose ANSWER C.

A guy in his right mind would not likely call, text, or email his ex-girlfriend and try to meet with her to work things out knowing that she wants a HUSBAND and that he has no intention of ever getting married.

I think a guy in this situation who tries to contact his ex-girlfriend is more likely to be following ANSWER B; unless he’s a complete idiot.

In the case of the poster referenced by purrfectpear, the ex was trying to reach her (by calling her, texting her, and emailing her) and meet with her. But, since he didn’t show up on her door step with a ring, everybody told the poster to be a bad@$$ and ignore him, because he was just trying to continue to "feed her crumbs" (even though he's only missed the poster's deadline ONCE). I advised the poster to meet with him, IF she really loved him and if there were no other major issues in the relationship. But, I also advised her to move on with her life if she thought that he wasn’t worth it.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 4/29/2009 7:59:40 PM
Author: strmrdr
none of the above....

I would have been out the door the second she said there was a deadline.

I think for very many guys, this would be the most honourable response.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 4/29/2009 11:56:33 PM
Author: RubyCharm
My Hypothesis:
.../...
I think a guy in this situation who tries to contact his ex-girlfriend is more likely to be following ANSWER B; unless he’s a complete idiot.


In the case of the poster referenced by purrfectpear, the ex was trying to reach her (by calling her, texting her, and emailing her) and meet with her. But, since he didn’t show up on her door step with a ring, everybody told the poster to be a bad@$$ and ignore him, because he was just trying to continue to 'feed her crumbs' (even though he's only missed the poster's deadline ONCE). I advised the poster to meet with him, IF she really loved him and if there were no other major issues in the relationship. But, I also advised her to move on with her life if she thought that he wasn’t worth it.

Ruby I agree with you. She has to be sure she wants to meet with him, and be willing to give him another, say, three to six months of her time. A knee-jerk reunion, with no firm conclusion, is a kind of a half-life for a girl, and is not a good way to live.

The only reason I didn't vote A is that there seems such a strong pressure for the 'perfect proposal', and also, more importantly, if you just show up with the ring, revenge might get in the way!

I was proposed to as a surprise once a long time ago, after waiting such a long time to the point where I went off the guy, when he proposed it took all my darn will power not to throw the ring in the water / sand.

But by holding out so long, I could really see that guy was all wrong for me, he'd really been coasting on me. I hated him for destroying my dreams and not just being honest, a long time earlier.

So very glad I married my DH instead! He has always treated me with the utmost respoect and honour.

My 'long wait' was a lucky escape! But I know every one has a different story about love!

 

[whitby_2773]

i''ve never understood why the woman just couldn''t propose. i really dont. i just dont get it. i mean - are the words ''would you like to marry me?'' somehow gender specific? it''s always seemed very passive to me to really want something and not to organise it yourself. if you want the proposal, the ring, the romantic gesture - fine, i understand that totally. but if you dont care about the process, just the end result, i''ve never understood why more women dont pop the question.

if i''d been waiting 7 years (and just to clarify -i would NEVER wait 7 years - unless we started dating when i was 12!) and i wanted to marry somebody, i''d propose to them. not in a hypothetical, ''sometime way off when'' kind of way - but in a specific, ''would you like to marry me, set a date, and get engaged now'' kind of way. i''d let them know it was a genuine question which required an answer. if they said yes - great! if they said no - also fine. "yes - but not right now" qualifies as a no, given that the question is ''would you like to marry me and get engaged (now) and set a concrete date, announce this to family and friends, etcetc'' if they said no and i wanted a yes, it''d be over for me on the basis that we were on different pages. sad - but there it is.

 

[MishB]

I voted D.

I''ve always considered myself lucky (although I''m sure many members would pity me), I never got a proposal, or an engagement ring, because we just knew from the very beginning we were going to get married, and the discussions were all about how and when. However, if he had said from the start he wasn''t interested in ever getting married, we''d still be very much together, because he and our relationship mean much more to me than a piece of paper or a legal ceremony. I just can''t understand how anyone could walk out of an otherwise good relationship with someone they love simply because he won''t ''put a ring on it''.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 4/30/2009 7:21:57 AM
Author: MishB
I voted D.


I''ve always considered myself lucky (although I''m sure many members would pity me), I never got a proposal, or an engagement ring, because we just knew from the very beginning we were going to get married, and the discussions were all about how and when. However, if he had said from the start he wasn''t interested in ever getting married, we''d still be very much together, because he and our relationship mean much more to me than a piece of paper or a legal ceremony. I just can''t understand how anyone could walk out of an otherwise good relationship with someone they love simply because he won''t ''put a ring on it''.

For your question:
I just can''t understand how anyone could walk out of an otherwise good relationship with someone they love simply because he won''t ''put a ring on it''.

Your bolded quotes are your own answer. For the must-be marrieds, marriage is not a piece of paper or a legal ceremony. If that was the case, we would probably go for the prenups!

 

[MishB]

Date: 4/30/2009 8:18:31 AM
Author: LaraOnline

Date: 4/30/2009 7:21:57 AM

Author: MishB

I voted D.



I''ve always considered myself lucky (although I''m sure many members would pity me), I never got a proposal, or an engagement ring, because we just knew from the very beginning we were going to get married, and the discussions were all about how and when. However, if he had said from the start he wasn''t interested in ever getting married, we''d still be very much together, because he and our relationship mean much more to me than a piece of paper or a legal ceremony. I just can''t understand how anyone could walk out of an otherwise good relationship with someone they love simply because he won''t ''put a ring on it''.

For your question:

I just can''t understand how anyone could walk out of an otherwise good relationship with someone they love simply because he won''t ''put a ring on it''.


Your bolded quotes are your own answer. For the must-be marrieds, marriage is not a piece of paper or a legal ceremony. If that was the case, we would probably go for the prenups!

It wasn''t a question.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 4/30/2009 6:12:53 AM
Author: whitby_2773
i''ve never understood why the woman just couldn''t propose. i really dont.

I agree that a woman proposing is perfectly fine and genuinely sweet. But only if it''s for the right reasons--if she''s proposing because she''s at the end of her rope and just wants an answer, well that can just be a conversation--it doesn''t have to be a desperate proposal. Also, she would have to be willing to walk away from the relationship if she proposed and he still wasn''t ready.

Any male who would call, text, email etc. in order to beg and plead for more time is a boy, not a man. A man would respect her and himself enough to let her go so she can find a man who can meet her needs. Begging for more time isn''t cute, sweet, passionate or a sign of love, it''s just selfish.