I behaved badly

[LaraOnline]

Well I think everyone''s being hard on you...
You had a crappy Christmas, your family hassled you, he wants to buy himself a big mortgage and where does it put you and your future?

"only a year'' would be cool if we were still living in the days of dinner dates on Saturdays, and home before Mum and Dad go to bed. But we don''t. We are expected to give very significantly of ourselves, and often for no reward. Only in marriage are people (women) expected to give everything up front, for nothing, and with-holding nothing. Try that at the supermarket!

I think modern love relationships can be a little draining on the spirit, because of the lack of ''go-forward''. I was lucky in the end, and found a great bloke. Guess what - I never even had to have any version of ''THE TALK'' - I guess my attitudes speak for themselves, and I think that deep down he has similar views.

In these modern times, the relationship as it stands is meant to be its own reward. I think that can be an unrealistic summary of the pressures and hopes a woman has for her own life. Why shouldn''t you see and want what others have? That kind of comparison and ambition is the basis of pretty much every other aspect of life.

If he loves you, he will understand what happened. Perhaps it will even help him see that you are serious about attaining marriage. If he doesn''t love you (enough) well then perhaps he won''t. Marriage isn''t a silly whim, it''s a platform for a considerate, deeply co-operative interaction between man and woman (ideally).

You can only be yourself. I know this sounds completely perverse in view of everything else I''ve just said, but - lighten up! Be kind to yourself! There''s no need to fall on your sword over it! It''s only life! I hope you are reunited and happy by the time you read this post!

 

[happydreams]

I don''t think you should be too hard on him about the gift. Men can be really clueless about gifts

Also, the fact that he wants to buy a house before an engagement ring is smart. I would do the same thing if I were a man.
In all honesty, you haven''t been together that long, so he probably wants to establish his assets (as well as your relationship)
before making things official. Plus, think of it this way - once he gets the house situation settled, he can start saving for a ring,
and get you something nicer than if he was saving for two big purchases at once.

In all honesty, I totally understand why you flipped out. I have a feeling everyone on this list has had one of "those" moments
one time or another. Even if it''s not about the engagement ring, we''ve all done something we knew would regret later on.
It''s part of life. You make mistakes, learn and move on.

 

[onedge]

Tomorrow we are having dinner together, it''ll be the first time I''ve seen him since "that day".

Wish me luck!

 

[vintagelover229]

Date: 1/3/2009 5:37:20 PM
Author: onedge
Tomorrow we are having dinner together, it''ll be the first time I''ve seen him since ''that day''.

Wish me luck!

YAY! Let us know how it goes! Be sure to let him know why you reacted the way you did. You''d be surprised the things guys understand. (BTW: I''ve acted MUCH MUCH worst to my now husband during our dating/engagment phase. Not to defend myself at all, or condone my actions, I have a very difficult childhood and very sad past that influences me in ways sometimes the "mature" me knows is crazy and wrong, but can''t always control. Luckly me I have a very understanding and pacient man and I''ve gotten much better! I''m sure your honey will understand and love you just the same! If not, I''m terribly sorry, but you should find a new one! Everyone makes mistakes and act''s immature at times. That''s called being human and being an emotional woman! sry for the kinda mini thread jack)

HUGS!

 

[onedge]

So we were supposed to have dinner together Sunday. I haven''t seen him in 8 days. He texted me Sunday afternoon that he has a cold and can we reschedule. I said yes feel better. He said thanks and I still love you. And I said I love you too don''t worry.

Today is Tuesday and I have not heard from him since. I''m not contacting him again unless he reschedules this dinner.

I know he wants to buy his house and live on his own (he still lives at home) before getting engaged..... But how can he settle down without me? Don''t I get to pick the house? Doesn''t his wife''s name go on the deed?

I''m getting ready to walk away. I love him very much, but I feel like I''m selling out now. What about my goals? I''ll keep ya posted.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 1/6/2009 4:17:43 PM
Author: onedge
So we were supposed to have dinner together Sunday. I haven''t seen him in 8 days. He texted me Sunday afternoon that he has a cold and can we reschedule. I said yes feel better. He said thanks and I still love you. And I said I love you too don''t worry.


Today is Tuesday and I have not heard from him since. I''m not contacting him again unless he reschedules this dinner.


I know he wants to buy his house and live on his own (he still lives at home) before getting engaged..... But how can he settle down without me? Don''t I get to pick the house? Doesn''t his wife''s name go on the deed?


I''m getting ready to walk away. I love him very much, but I feel like I''m selling out now. What about my goals? I''ll keep ya posted.

What about your goals? No one is stopping you from making goals and working toward them happening. You have no idea how your boyfriend, the man you supposedly love, feels about a future with you. Why wouldn''t you contact him? Why would you throw a year down the drain simply because you threw a fit and he wants to own a house, without talking to him about it first? No one is a mind reader, don''t expect him to be either.

 

[Kitiaral]

This must be so hard for you but I"m glad to see that you are standing your ground and not calling him. He needs to communicate better about what is going on. Give him a couple days and then say "hey, we need to talk about where this is going. If you want to be with me we need to work this out now. If not, then you have to let me go." You seem like such a sweet person and I''d hate to see you be strung along. Give him time, but not too much.

 

[purselover]

I''m sorry if this sounds rough, but we''re not 16 anymore, high school is over. Not calling him even though you want to talk to him not the most mature response. Maybe his cold turned into the flu and he''s really sick, shouldn''t you at least call to make sure he''s okay? I''m sorry but if you''re willing to throw away only a year long relationship over this you should def not be getting married. I''m with Addy on this one, you flipped out over something ridiculous like getting pjs instead of a ring, cancel dates on him and now want to walk away b/c he doesn''t immediately come running the moment you are ready to talk to him, even though last you heard he was sick??? Come on this is nothing compared to how you just treated him, give him some slack.

 

[LaraOnline]

Gad I just keep shooting my mouth off and embarrassing myself highly in this forum!

I think the fact that he still lives with his parents explains quite a lot about where the desire to get his own mortgage is coming from.
It''s made me feel a bit differently about the house thing.
Perhaps he wants to feel more ''like a man'' and stand on his own two feet for a while before marrying. Fair enough.
That kind of independence and experience of making life on one''s own terms can really help people grow up and become good, strong partners.
Don''t be too upset about your brain flip though, just take the situation as it comes.

If you do end up marrying and living in this house, I expect that within a few years you''ll be moving into a larger house to accommodate kids? Your name will go on the deed then.
Or... you could talk to him about these concerns, and convince him to rent a year, before buying together...?

Buying a house can be a money cruncher... well, it is over here... you really have to scrimp and save for the first few years after buying your first house, I guess that''s why traditionally people get married first. But if he''s still liveing with mum and dad, he could feel a little ''behind the times'' by going straight into marriage, I guess!

 

[mariewest]

I just have to laugh a little because last year my SO got me thermal PJ''s from VS and my mom bought be a pair of PJ''s from VS that year for me also (different pair). At first I was a little disappointed because they aren''t the least bit sexy like you would want from one''s boyfriend. I however wear them all the time now and they keep me really warm in the winter, which is why he got them for me because he knows I get cold easily. He obviously thought that this would be something that you would like/needed, and if you''re mom was thinking the same thing, then one of them has to be right. True, it''s not something that you would expect from a boyfriend (we all think jewelry, electronics, etc) but you have to think about the thought behind it. Since you said you weren''t expecting a ring this year because he''s not ready, you can''t really be disappointed with that fact, but I can understand when everyone around you is getting engaged, having children, and you feel like you''re relationship is stalled because you haven''t gotten there yet (although you may be ready to be). Don''t be mad at him about it, he probably doesn''t even realize he did anything wrong. I would have a deep conversation with him about what you want and where the relationship stands. I''m sure you guys will get through this problem soon. Good Luck!

 

[AdiS]

Date: 1/1/2009 8:40:54 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I'm going to differ with those that say 'don't be so hard on yourself' or 'I'd react that way also'.

They're wrong IMO. You did overreact, badly...just as you yourself have come to realize in the cold light of day.

Hopefully he'll call you back and you can apologize. While his gift wouldn't have been my favorite either, it's really not all that inappropriate for a relationship of one year. More serious gifts will follow in time to come I think.

If you do get back together you need to have a quiet talk just to clarify where you both hope the relationship is going. He may be one of those guys that needs some hand holding on the presents issue. Some guys (like my dad) just don't have a clue. My mom told me she was thrilled when I was finally old enough to go with my dad shopping. It was the end of irons, houserobes, and coffeemakers.

Sorry but I have to disagree with you here, purrfect. First of all, if the length of their relationship has anything to do with the situation, then it should be exactly the opposite correlation - if they've been together for 50 years and she was a 80 year old granny, the flannel pjs are ok, I guess. And it would be cute if he bought it as a sort of an *extra*, funny gift (not necessarily an extra to something ridiculously expensive, but I'm sure a simple silver necklace would've done a better job, wouldn't it?). I'm not saying her reaction was right, but I really don't see how their being together only a year makes pjs an ok Christmas gift. Maybe he's really just clueless but if it was me, I don't think I would've apologized to him. I'm really not into expensive gifts, but I'm into thoughtful gifts. I would feel insulted by a present like that too.

I agree that the quiet talk is much needed here though. I hope you two can sort this out together.

 

[Thomperchik]

I just want to add that men aren''t the most emotionally smart people out there. Not saying that women are that great, but what might hurt our feelings, might not be something they might think of. For example, the last 5 months of my relationship with my SO has been long distance, sometimes he says things that I think are hurtful, but I know he doesn''t mean it that way. Once I ask him to clarify, he explains himself, and then we''re all good. Going back to your Christmas present... It might''ve hurt you and bothered you, but I''m sure he was just thinking about you and not intending for you not to like it or get hurt. I always have to take a step back and ask my SO to clarify, just so that I don''t hold something against him, because he just might not mean/intend to say or do something hurtful.

P.S. I would also advise to kick the pride out and call him and tell him how you really feel. Odds are he''s clueless!

Good luck & keep us posted.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 1/6/2009 4:17:43 PM
Author: onedge
So we were supposed to have dinner together Sunday. I haven''t seen him in 8 days. He texted me Sunday afternoon that he has a cold and can we reschedule. I said yes feel better. He said thanks and I still love you. And I said I love you too don''t worry.


Today is Tuesday and I have not heard from him since. I''m not contacting him again unless he reschedules this dinner.


I know he wants to buy his house and live on his own (he still lives at home) before getting engaged..... But how can he settle down without me? Don''t I get to pick the house? Doesn''t his wife''s name go on the deed?


I''m getting ready to walk away. I love him very much, but I feel like I''m selling out now. What about my goals? I''ll keep ya posted.

Sorry to hear your plans were changed and you didn''t have dinner together as planned. I think, in your situation, I''d want to talk to him to tell him exactly what my plans and goals were, and then ask him what his are to find out how compatible (or not) they may be. At the moment, it seems like there''s some breakdown of communication and that you both may actually want the same things in the end, but aren''t getting that impression from the other because things haven''t been stated clearly enough for you both to know for sure. Find out his plans, where you fit in, and when he sees all this stuff happening. Then you will know where you stand and if you really do want to walk.

I hope it works out, hon. Let us know how you''re doing when you get a chance.

 

[girlie-girl]

I think if you haven''t already, you should call to check on him. You said the last you spoke he said he was sick, so maybe he''s gotten worse. The longer you wait to speak to one another, the more awkward it could be. I personally wouldn''t wait as I''d want to know what was up... now. Don''t text him for this, call him or better yet, go over to his house to speak face to face.

With regard to the Christmas present. I''m a little sad to hear you were unable to find joy in the fact that he gave you a present at all. A year isn''t *that* long for you to be expecting anything spectacular, IMHO. Is this the first time he''s seen you act like this? Maybe you''ve scared him off a bit. Not to be rude, but if I were him I''d be thinking *whoaaaaaaaa nellie* and would probably run for the hills after such a tantrum. I think you need to chill out a little on how much you read into things as well because we all know that guys don''t think the same way as we do. He might have thought a nice pair of jammies would be perfect and being from VS, at least it seems like he thought he was doing something nice. I personally would love a pair of pjs like that as I''m always freezing cold.

If he wants to buy a house, then he should be able to buy one. If he doesn''t want to put you on the mortgage, then he shouldn''t have to. If he wants to live on his own before settling down in marriage, what''s the problem with that? Like you said, you''ve only been together a year and so buying a house together would show he''s ready for the next phase of your relationship. If he hasn''t mentioned doing this together, I''d venture a guess to say he''s not ready for that phase. Why enter into something so HUGE if you know in your gut you''re not ready? I wouldn''t take it as a negative or him wanting to have things without you. But more as a step toward his independence from his parents. I don''t think you *really* know what life is about until you''re on your own, out of the sheltered reality of your parents'' home.

Either way, I think you should contact him and fully explain why you acted the way you did. I think you should apologize for your actions and most of all remember to look at the big picture so mistakes such as these aren''t repeated in the future.

Good luck! I hope things work out to your satisfaction. Keep us posted.

 

[whitby_2773]

hi onedge

since you canceled 2 dates with your boyfriend, i wonder if he''s retaliating in kind? if that''s the case, it''s all going south pretty fast. we haven''t heard from you in 5 days, so i''m guessing you know this already.

most men suck when it comes to gifts and they have no idea that one of the ways women communicate love is through ''things''. both men and women are hot-wired to ensure the continuation of the species; men through reproduction (ie sex) and women through ''feathering the nest'' - ie providing the safest, most well feathered nest they can manage. it''s a primeval, animal instinct thing. even tho perfume and jewelry dont feather anyone''s nest except our own, it still sends a message to the female of our species that they''ve gained something of value, something that hooks into our primeval role. most men, unfortunately, have no concept of a woman''s attraction to ''sparkly'' stuff, or an appreciation of the bower-bird nature of our make-up. they think ''oh - she just wants *stuff*''; they don''t stop to think why. so getting good gifts from a man is like trying to get milk from an armchair; they just have no concept of the why or even the how. to say nothing of the what! the best one can hope for is that over time he will improve. and if he loves you, and you have time, he WILL improve. when my husband and i had been together a couple of years, he went to K-Mart on Christmas eve and bought me $40 of kitchen utensils. this Christmas we''d been together over 24 years and he bought me a stunning golden sapphire and diamond 3-stone ring which was NOT cheap! so trust me - they do get better at it! but it''s not because they instinctively know - it''s because they learn over time.

i think your bigger problem is the whole house issue. i''m not of the group that says ''he''s doing this for you - for your future together''. onedge, if he was doing it for you, he''d be doing it WITH you. he''d want to start your life together. and i''m with whoever it was that said we''re no longer in the age of saturday dinner dates; 14+ months is a considerable amount of time for two 27 yr olds. my husband and i married when he was 19 and i was 23 - and we''ve been together and happy for almost 25 years now. ''buying a house'' will take another 6 months minimum - but more like a year by the time he moves in, sets up the cable, gets his kitchen stacked, and does whatever it is that single men do when they start their own home. you will then have been together 2 years, you''ll still be single, and he''ll own a house - meaning he will, in his opinion, have even more to offer any potential mate, making his position even stronger and his need for a partner less. the whole ''he''s doing this for you'' line of thought is pipe dreaming; when a man is in love they don''t differ all that much from women re wanting to be together and wanting to tie down a mate that they love. it seems to me that the gentleman in question has *his* agenda, *his* priorities - and what you want doesn''t figure much into the equation at this point.

the question is - does he KNOW what you want? if he knows, and is still on the ''i''m sticking to my timeline'' thing, then he''s not the guy for you, because you clearly want different things, and what he wants is more important to him than what you want. marriages built on that kind of basis are doomed from the get-go. marriage isn''t a 50/50 thing; each partner has to bring 100% to the table for it to work and keep working. a guy who after more than a year still hasnt asked you to put your name on the deeds to a home that he purchases isn''t thinking in terms of ''pairs''. he''s thinking ''me''.

i think you over-reacted with the whole jammies thing; personally, i would have stopped short of packing up his stuff or returning his gift for the ake of sheer politeness. but a conversation is in order. it''s not up to you simply to react to HIS agenda - too many women do that. think what YOU want what YOUR agenda is, and see if he can fulfill it. if not, it''s time to move on.

and by the way - if and when you apologize, apologize for over-reacting, flipping out, or bad manners - but don''t apologize for your needs, your desires, your dreams, or YOUR agenda; it''s every bit as valid as his. he has to fit into your life too; your role in life is NOT just to fit into his.

i''m sorry we haven''t heard from you lately - i do hope we hear from you soon and that things have been resolved in a way which suits you both.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Very, very well said and excellent advice! If he''s 28 and still living at home, and has already expressed to you that he wants to buy his own home (and you said he already has a lot of money saved), this is obviously been his plan for some time...most likely in his mind prior to even meeting you for the first time. It''s clear he does have his own agenda, and will be sticking to it. He has nothing to apologize for there. BUT, neither do you if his agenda and yours do not sync. You know what you want, but does he?

I hope everything works out for you.

 

[Nocturnius]

I think one of the biggest problems is this precise question:

"I think the question is if your desire to be married and have a family is greater than your desire to be with this man?"

Here''s why.

That question makes all of us cringe. It makes all of us feel guilty if the answer is actually "yes", because we then feel like everyone is

at us for being horrible people that value being married over a man we love.

The truth is, society needs to be more accepting of the desire to be married. There is nothing wrong with you wanting such a commitment. And there is nothing wrong with leaving someone who does not share that view.

Flip it to another hot topic: what if it was religion? What if your man''s religion completely conflicted with your own? Would anyone question you leaving him because he wasn''t compatible with your beliefs? Some people may say, "well, there might have been a compromise..." but most people would agree with your decision. And in that instance, you are choosing religion over a man you love.

That said, no, you shouldn''t decide your life on everyone around you. Everyone in my age bracket has a baby - and I run from the baby aisle like a bat out of hell.

But let me ask you... is this, and the gift, really the issue, or are you just using them to justify your feelings because you feel like you need something to back up how you feel? It''s okay to want to be married. Yes, maybe you overreacted. But every one of us has as some point. Take time to truly calm down, then talk to him.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 1/11/2009 12:44:43 PM
Author: Nocturnius
I think one of the biggest problems is this precise question:

''I think the question is if your desire to be married and have a family is greater than your desire to be with this man?''

Here''s why.

That question makes all of us cringe. It makes all of us feel guilty if the answer is actually ''yes'', because we then feel like everyone is

at us for being horrible people that value being married over a man we love.

The truth is, society needs to be more accepting of the desire to be married. There is nothing wrong with you wanting such a commitment. And there is nothing wrong with leaving someone who does not share that view.

Flip it to another hot topic: what if it was religion? What if your man''s religion completely conflicted with your own? Would anyone question you leaving him because he wasn''t compatible with your beliefs? Some people may say, ''well, there might have been a compromise...'' but most people would agree with your decision. And in that instance, you are choosing religion over a man you love.

That said, no, you shouldn''t decide your life on everyone around you. Everyone in my age bracket has a baby - and I run from the baby aisle like a bat out of hell.

But let me ask you... is this, and the gift, really the issue, or are you just using them to justify your feelings because you feel like you need something to back up how you feel? It''s okay to want to be married. Yes, maybe you overreacted. But every one of us has as some point. Take time to truly calm down, then talk to him.

Hi Nocturinus,

Although I completely respect your opinion, I think my statement was implying that it is important to love your partner as much as you do wanting a family. In other words, if you want to be married more than you care about the person you are with, and if you are ready to marry just anyone to achieve that goal - you are setting yourself up for a miserable future. I value marriage and having a family more than anything - but it HAS to be with the right person, not just anyone. I think a lot of women fall in to a trap of wanting to get married and have a family so bad that they settle, and in my opinion, that is wrong. As for your comparison to religion - that is an extremely sensitive topic, as opinions will differ. I personally would never let religion dictate who I marry, but then again, I am not religious. For others, being with someone of the same faith is more important to them, so they view the situation very differently.

Anyway - I am not disagreeing with you that marriage can be a woman''s priority, and has every right to be. What I am saying is it has to be with the right person and not just anyone. And sometimes women, and men, need to be patient in their relationship because these things take time - and not every couple is ready to get married quickly, and that doesn''t mean it won''t happen eventually. I think this topic becomes even more complicated when a woman ages, and her "biological clock" kicks in, and there is even more pressure to start a family quickly.

 

[happydreams]

Onedge- how are things with you now? It''s so strange - after I joined this website, I spend some time thinking about other people''s situations, even though I''ll probably never meet most/all of you. Hope all is well with you.