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I decided, I give up!

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Patchee

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 7, 2006
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327
I was thinking last night while I was scrubbing the bathroom tiled floor that I give up! He is a wonderful man that any lady would be lucky to have. He is special and kind, there is not arguments, there is no hurting words, just a stand up guy but I noticed that he does not communicate well. I noticed I am the one always starting conversations, so last night I tested my own theroy, he got home I said hi, how was so and so.. he said good, and then I just said nothing after that to see if he would strike up any other kind of conversation, he did not. This morning, same thing nothing but hey, sleep good etc. but nothing else! Now, I could think about a million things I would want to say but since I was still in testing theory I did not... the ride to work was nothing, he said aweful quite today, I said I have nothing to say.. that was it. So, if this is what my life is going to be, I don''t want that. I feel like I will be the one to hold up the communication ends of the relationship ... afterall, I approached him after 2+ years on the marriage conversation, not a word have been spoken on it since - (that was 2 months ago now).

I guess I just want insight. Really starting to think that although he said marriage is something he wants in the future, I feel like that is not the case. I don''t want our relationship to get boring but with out me holding up the candle, it very well could get that way, no? I know this is a "happy site" just not feeling it today....
 
Ah Patchee.... I understand the frustration! My bf goes through really talkative points and really "have nothing to say" points, and they both drive me nuts. I think you might want to bring up what you were testing because he may think you''re cool with it. It''s good to let him know you''re not. Don''t make any rash decisions, but do be true to yourself. Sometimes it''s your turn to put in the work, sometimes it is his turn.. relationships are rarely balanced at any one point in time.

and if you feel like you''re going to explode with conversation, direct it here or at your friends for now. :-)
 
mmmm... i am also definitely the communicator in our relationship.. and i tend to FREAK out sometimes over the fact that he isn''t.. but it just isn''t in him. and since we''ve been together (2 years + ) he has gotten a LOT better at talking.

I would bring up the marriage thing myself again if I was you.. something he probably doesn''t know how to bring up (especially if he can''t hold conversations without you!)...plus, you should be able to bring it up! it may help you make your decision in the long rung?

good luck!!
 
Thanks guys! You may be hearing a lot from me today
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but your right, better to dump it out here then say something that won''t be so nice his way... and I don''t want that.

They say that a relationship is a constant "work at" and I understand that but I feel like I am putting in my 110% all the time, this time I backed off a bit (well for the last day and a half
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) just to see what he actually puts into it... sad to say, seems like not much! I freak out in my own way where it stews, and then I come here to dump or my sister who is in her own mess ... she only seems to want to talk when it is her problem, not mine... friends are hard to come by and most of them are happy being abused (not physically, just in other ways, they think it is normal) in their relationships... they hate to hear my little non-issues , they seem jealous of sorts ... so I rarely go there ya know?

I remember the days where it was all about us.. he just seems really comfy in this relationship now.. don''t get me wrong, we have fun, go on vacations, ride bikes, hobbies, he does nice things for me but what happend to the little things? Grr, I am fustrated!

Sparkly: I am going to let my birthday pass (late summer) and then Xmas this year (our anniversary is the beginning of December) see if anything happens then, if not, then I will reasses what my thoughts are on marriage in general and with him. Sometimes I think I could just be "roomies" forever, other times I think why should I hang around with someone who does not want marriage when I do? I feel sad to think that if he wants a future life with me, why can''t he talk about it... if he loves me like he says he does??

I need you guys today....
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You know, there are times when my FI has really nothing to say, usually on the phone, if we had a long distance relationship, I guaratnee we would not be where we are today we are both horrible on the phone. Generally he is the ''talker'' in the relationship, I''m the ''quiet'' one...however, there have been plenty of times where, especially on the phone, I''m doing the talking and I''m not good at the small talk. Many time, I''ve thought ''well this conversation is going no where and wasting my valuable Food Network time''
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when we are together, we have silent moments as well....it''s okay but I can see where it would get annoying if it happened all the time.

You''ve been with him for 2 years now, right? Did you just start to realize this about him? I don''t think ''testing'' him is very fair or very good communication on your part. I think you should talk to him about it, let him know how you feel about his lack of conversation.

Saying that, if you don''t want to have this kind of relationship that''s totally your choice but I do think you should communicate with him your irritation to his lack of communication.
 
WOW! don''t wait that long! that''s forever.. you know what you want! and you should see where he really stands..

Some guys are just THAT clueless.. my bf never notices that i''m upset (i get quiet and don''t really talk) I USUALLY have to say "i''m upset" or whatever.. he never gets it.

i DO love him, and we get over this little issue.. and I COMPLETLY get what you meant about talking to "real life ppl"
I have friends that are dealing with breakups, and i feel that whenever i have an issue(usaully minimal) their solution is "well is he right for you? maybe you dont want to be with him".. blaah.. haah

regardless.. I''ll be here allllll day.. so vent away :)
 
The most common answer I hear in response to stories like yours, and like mine and like those of many others is that men are simply different. This is getting really old and even when it wasn''t, it still didn''t register in my head as a valid justification for their apparent inability to communicate when it really matters.

I don''t know how many conversations my BF and I have had that went something like this:
me: talking about something, presumably important, then asking a question... any question...
him: (silent)
me: well?
him: well, what?
me: I asked you a question!
him: uh, what was that?
me: are you even listening? (I repeat the question)
him: (shrugs) I don''t know

Alternately, instead of shrugging and telling me that he doesn''t know, he will occasionally just sit there, silent, for another few minutes... until I break down and ask if he is still thinking about the answer. In response to which he usually just says "huh?"

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, my experiences may be vastly different from yours, I don''t know. I spent a long time observing this pattern repeat time and time again, until one day, I decided that to continue psychoanalyzing him is fruitless. Instead, I directed my time and energy at analyzing the way in which *I* communicate. To my surprise, I discovered that I''m very intimidating and can be abrasive. That when I get into an argument or a discussion which I deem important, I become really self-righteous, like a crusader... and nobody can prove me wrong, least of all my BF. When I ask him questions, I do so with a preconceived idea of what the answer really is. If he should dare respond with something that does not agree with this preconceived idea, I accuse him of not being honest with me, or worse... of not being introspective and self-aware enough to realize that his actions are really triggered by (fill in the blank).

Communication is really tricky, but when in doubt, I try to simplify things as much as possible: my BF, your boyfriend, you, I, all of us... at the core, we just want to be accepted for who we are, to be happy and to be with someone who understands. Think about how you communicate with him. Most people want to share themselves if given the opportunity and as long as they believe the other person will be okay with the things they have to say. If he associates talking about certain things with you freaking out and being pissed off, he isn''t likely to bring those topics up anytime soon... at least not without a helmet and some other protective gear. If you''re really doing nothing to deter him from opening up, try your best to accept it when he''s being especially quiet. In many cases, this just means he is content and happy. Men, ulike us, really don''t have that same ineherent need to share their every waking thought with someone.
 
Caribou - I was in a long distance relationship with my "non-talker". I always said "he doesn''t give good phone." I think the best thing about living with him is that I no longer have to have the evening phone call with him and hear "so what else is going on?" I''m not really sure how we ever made it through that stage. He''s much better in person, but I still get the blank stares sometimes.
 
Date: 4/12/2006 10:31:03 AM
Author: stermag
The most common answer I hear in response to stories like yours, and like mine and like those of many others is that men are simply different. This is getting really old and even when it wasn''t, it still didn''t register in my head as a valid justification for their apparent inability to communicate when it really matters.

I don''t know how many conversations my BF and I have had that went something like this:
me: talking about something, presumably important, then asking a question... any question...
him: (silent)
me: well?
him: well, what?
me: I asked you a question!
him: uh, what was that?
me: are you even listening? (I repeat the question)
him: (shrugs) I don''t know

Alternately, instead of shrugging and telling me that he doesn''t know, he will occasionally just sit there, silent, for another few minutes... until I break down and ask if he is still thinking about the answer. In response to which he usually just says ''huh?''

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, my experiences may be vastly different from yours, I don''t know. I spent a long time observing this pattern repeat time and time again, until one day, I decided that to continue psychoanalyzing him is fruitless. Instead, I directed my time and energy at analyzing the way in which *I* communicate. To my surprise, I discovered that I''m very intimidating and can be abrasive. That when I get into an argument or a discussion which I deem important, I become really self-righteous, like a crusader... and nobody can prove me wrong, least of all my BF. When I ask him questions, I do so with a preconceived idea of what the answer really is. If he should dare respond with something that does not agree with this preconceived idea, I accuse him of not being honest with me, or worse... of not being introspective and self-aware enough to realize that his actions are really triggered by (fill in the blank).

Communication is really tricky, but when in doubt, I try to simplify things as much as possible: my BF, your boyfriend, you, I, all of us... at the core, we just want to be accepted for who we are, to be happy and to be with someone who understands. Think about how you communicate with him. Most people want to share themselves if given the opportunity and as long as they believe the other person will be okay with the things they have to say. If he associates talking about certain things with you freaking out and being pissed off, he isn''t likely to bring those topics up anytime soon... at least not without a helmet and some other protective gear. If you''re really doing nothing to deter him from opening up, try your best to accept it when he''s being especially quiet. In many cases, this just means he is content and happy. Men, ulike us, really don''t have that same ineherent need to share their every waking thought with someone.
Click to expand...
Very well said Stermag, especially the bottom part.

Another thing my FI does that drives me batty is that I''ll ask him a question and he won''t answer...so I wait....and wait.....and then I''ll either repeat the question in a very sarcastic manner or say ''so what do you think of that?'' *insert sarcasm* And he''ll respond with ''I don''t know'' or ''don''t care'', or ''whatever''. I asked him why he does this he says because he doesn''t have an answer or if he thinks I''m being ridiculous he won''t respond.
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Also, he has a tendancey to take FOREVER to respond to me when there is sports anything on...it could be curling, sumo wrestling, football...doesn''t matter if it''s sports related I might as well not even talk unless it''s to myself. Men are different breeds then us, which is a hard fact for us to swallow but it''s true.
 
Date: 4/12/2006 10:31:03 AM
Author: stermag
The most common answer I hear in response to stories like yours, and like mine and like those of many others is that men are simply different. This is getting really old and even when it wasn''t, it still didn''t register in my head as a valid justification for their apparent inability to communicate when it really matters.


I don''t know how many conversations my BF and I have had that went something like this:

me: talking about something, presumably important, then asking a question... any question...

him: (silent)

me: well?

him: well, what?

me: I asked you a question!

him: uh, what was that?

me: are you even listening? (I repeat the question)

him: (shrugs) I don''t know


Alternately, instead of shrugging and telling me that he doesn''t know, he will occasionally just sit there, silent, for another few minutes... until I break down and ask if he is still thinking about the answer. In response to which he usually just says ''huh?''


ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Now, my experiences may be vastly different from yours, I don''t know. I spent a long time observing this pattern repeat time and time again, until one day, I decided that to continue psychoanalyzing him is fruitless. Instead, I directed my time and energy at analyzing the way in which *I* communicate. To my surprise, I discovered that I''m very intimidating and can be abrasive. That when I get into an argument or a discussion which I deem important, I become really self-righteous, like a crusader... and nobody can prove me wrong, least of all my BF. When I ask him questions, I do so with a preconceived idea of what the answer really is. If he should dare respond with something that does not agree with this preconceived idea, I accuse him of not being honest with me, or worse... of not being introspective and self-aware enough to realize that his actions are really triggered by (fill in the blank).


Communication is really tricky, but when in doubt, I try to simplify things as much as possible: my BF, your boyfriend, you, I, all of us... at the core, we just want to be accepted for who we are, to be happy and to be with someone who understands. Think about how you communicate with him. Most people want to share themselves if given the opportunity and as long as they believe the other person will be okay with the things they have to say. If he associates talking about certain things with you freaking out and being pissed off, he isn''t likely to bring those topics up anytime soon... at least not without a helmet and some other protective gear. If you''re really doing nothing to deter him from opening up, try your best to accept it when he''s being especially quiet. In many cases, this just means he is content and happy. Men, ulike us, really don''t have that same ineherent need to share their every waking thought with someone.
Click to expand...

That example conversation sounds so familiar. I swear I have to ask him something 3 times before I even get a slight look of comprehension. Other than that though, my FI is pretty talkative. We are constantly talking and joking and I love that we tell each other everything. And I don''t completely agree with you, even the most quiet men I''ve ever met will talk to their GF or wife. But men are a whole different kind of animal, what they think is perfectly fine conversation (or lack of) isn''t usually what a woman thinks.

Patchee, I think maybe you should just try to accept the fact that he just may not be a big talker, especially when it comes to emotional matters (since most men are like that.) And its perfectly okay to question whether or not you want to marry this man. I''m engaged and I question it sometimes, too. But I think instead of asking yourself if you really want to spend your entire life with this man, you need to ask yourself: Can I spend my entire life without this man? If the answer is no, then I would say that you definitely have something worth fighting for. The key to all relationships is compromise, so if you really think he''s worth it, instead of trying to make him start talking, you just do most of the talking and know that he loves you.
 
One thing I''m wondering is if you''re giving yourself the right situation for conversation. My guy is incapable of talking when there is any sporting event on tv. Or anything he''s really interested in. Men aren''t good multi-taskers, they really need to focus on just one thing at a time. If you never put yourself in a situation where you''re just face to face, or side by side, without anything else to distract you, it''s hard to have a real conversation. I can''t tell you how many times I''ve been "Shhhed" during tv. It really annoys me, especially because we have TiVo, but I''ve done it to him a couple of times too. And he always reminds me when I''ve done it. I find we have our best conversations at dinner out, over a drink or two. then he can let go of everything else that distracts him and he really opens up. Dinner at home doesn''t work for that because he''s usually watching "Countdown" on MSNBC, and when he''s watching news or political shows, he can''t hear a word I say.
 
This sounds like my ex! Pay good attention to what it is that is bothering you before you commit to marriage. These things do not change! It is a part of his personality, and if it bothers you now, it will still bother you 10 years down the road...even more so. My FI now is very attentive and affectionate. He calls me every morning after leaving to work to see how I am, even though we live together. (He has an hour commute, so it helps shorten the ride
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) and if I tell him I may need extra hugs today because I am feeling blah, he listens and will even stop me in the wine section at the market for extra hugs! I always had to ask my ex what he was thinking or feeling because he rarely spoke up. People always mentioned how opposite we were, how I was more outgoing and he was so quiet and I used the excuse that opposites attract, but the reality for me has been that is not true. I felt my past was just like living with a roomie...he was nice, we traveled, etc. But he had a terrible time communicating. Looking back now, it is sooo much better to have someone who shares their thoughts!! Best wishes whatever you decide. Tell him what bothers you, and keep to how it makes you FEEL. No one can deny you your feelings, and if he does not acknowledge how his lack of communicating is making you feel, then I would think you need to take a long, hard look at if this is something you can live with for the rest of your life. Best wishes!!!
 
I''m sad to hear this, and I hope you won''t give up just yet, at least not until you''ve tried a solution or two.

I noticed that J and I had communication problems a little after the year mark, and they caused us to have more and more spats. Funny enough, not long after I realized this, we had a huge fight and I almost broke up with him. After we both calmed down, we sat down and talked, and I told him about what I had found out. It''s funny how both sexes sort of think the other is a bunch of mind readers... but the truth is, neither of them are. "If you feel/think/believe/want/need something, tell me. And I''ll tell you." We patched things up, and are slowly but surely establishing a better communication.

The advice I can give you is to sit down with your man and share your feelings. "I feel like I am the only one who wants to communicate and it makes me sad." Don''t just give up without even telling him how you feel and try to solve it. I''m sure he doesn''t know you feel this way, and doesn''t see it as a problem. Give him a chance, I''m sure it''ll be worth it.

As for the marriage issue, the best thing you can do is lay your cards on the table. "Commitment and marriage are important for me and I don''t want to spend my life as your girlfriend. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I want to be your wife." He''ll get the message, and he''ll either commit, or not. My boyfriend started talking about getting engaged barely a couple of months after I told him this. Don''t let the issue go for so long without making this completely clear. I know a few girls who really want to get married but don''t put all their cards on the table because they don''t want to upset their man, but the guys are probably just hoping they''ll forget about it or something because they don''t want to get married. They''re hoping they can live with their girl and have children or whatever without having to commit, and the girls do it just because they don''t want to lose their man. It makes me sad because they''re worth much more than this. Don''t sell yourself short like they do!

Good luck with everything, Patchee!
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XChick wrote:
Patchee, I think maybe you should just try to accept the fact that he just may not be a big talker, especially when it comes to emotional matters (since most men are like that.) And its perfectly okay to question whether or not you want to marry this man. I''m engaged and I question it sometimes, too. But I think instead of asking yourself if you really want to spend your entire life with this man, you need to ask yourself: Can I spend my entire life without this man? If the answer is no, then I would say that you definitely have something worth fighting for. The key to all relationships is compromise, so if you really think he''s worth it, instead of trying to make him start talking, you just do most of the talking and know that he loves you.


I really can''t imagine him not in my life, just feeling like if he cannot communicate on general issues then what about the big issues? I don''t want to be the one to always bring up our future! Because, if I do, I will feel like his decisions are talk and that it is something he is not interested in but talking because I brought it up... that would really make me feel crappy! I just never know where he is coming from. We do have "smart" discussions and general - every day type discussions, he is not a total shut out but I believe like your said the key to all relationships is compromising. OK, that''s totally true and understandable but how much more can I/should I compromise when in return I get no compromising? Should be both way, I think..
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Caribo wrote:

You''ve been with him for 2 years now, right? Did you just start to realize this about him? I don''t think ''testing'' him is very fair or very good communication on your part. I think you should talk to him about it, let him know how you feel about his lack of conversation.
Saying that, if you don''t want to have this kind of relationship that''s totally your choice but I do think you should communicate with him your irritation to his lack of communication.

Yes, 2 years 4 months. I realized this about him a couple of months ago when I had to finally bring up a discussion on our future. I had a feeling he never would, and I had to know where I stand.. that is when it truly hit me that ok, he communicates the general every-day but when things get sticky... there will be no talk.

I have discussed lack of communication a few times before, he does not get it really. He thinks we do talk .. sigh
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Worst is when his family is over from all over the states and discussion of this is brought up around us.. he even shuts his family out... really sad.

Sparkly-stars wrote:

WOW! don''t wait that long! that''s forever.. you know what you want! and you should see where he really stands..

Some guys are just THAT clueless.. my bf never notices that i''m upset (i get quiet and don''t really talk) I USUALLY have to say "i''m upset" or whatever.. he never gets it.


i DO love him, and we get over this little issue.. and I COMPLETLY get what you meant about talking to "real life ppl"
I have friends that are dealing with breakups, and i feel that whenever i have an issue(usaully minimal) their solution is "well is he right for you? maybe you dont want to be with him".. blaah.. haah
-------------------------------
I gotta say Sparkly, you and I are alike in many ways, you have my thoughts and I yours!

This may sound silly?? But my reason for waiting - well my birthday, our anniversary, christmas .. almost like giving him a special reason too. He is very practical, I am not too certain he would propose out of the blue.. Giving the benefit of the doubt!
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not sure if this is the best route to go though.... ??

Same here again, when I am upset I too, get really quiet, he never catches on ... so for us to be quiet when we are upset, how do they act? Like my guy not communicating I think is he upset about something and he is not sharing it with me? I know how I feel when I act like that, I know we are the women and so different from them but ...still.
If I knew what his thinking reasoning is, I would be able to deal with communication issues differently. He eventually will say, are you ok today? but eventually can get drawn out! MEN!

Ditto again with friends. Like I am just telling you about my little issue.. and I then think who are they to ask me if he is right for me when this is my only issue and it is not huge like theirs.. i.e. cheating relationships, breakups, harsh talking, fights.. and these friends have a right to say that to US? I like talking to you all better!
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Thanks for listening to me!

Stermag
I used to like watching ESPN, but not any longer
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I get no words in with that crap! Or, when I say something from the kitchen (he is on the couch in the den) I get no answer, then a while later he''ll say what? (And I mean a while) I say I was talking to the cat! Best is when I say something pertaining to him, he still does not listen, then what he needed to really listen to me about comes up and he says, when did that happen? When was I suppose to go.. I say .. if you only listened to me...

I have observed me, and my communication pattens. I am a great communicator.. I am not attacking in anyway... So, he would have no reasons not to talk about something because he thinks I am going to freak out.. or argue. We have never had an argument in 2 + years, never .. not even raised our voices. So, I don''t feel he has reason to feel he cannot talk to me.. about anything. It''s true, we all want acceptance as individuals and I am thankful for him, for it could be a hellava lot worse out there in this world.. Communication is important to me.. it is our only issue.. and a new founded one at that.. I really just want him to be able to communicate the important issues within our relationship .. I really should not have to always bring it up.. we are in this together...


In love with mr. H

Thank you.. life is hard as it is... why complicate things or be unhappy if you have the ability to change these things. Stinks you went through a non communicative relationship but I believe it made you strong today for what you never want again.. I am truly happy you found someone who suites your needs. What you wrote is what I FEEL, I want to beable to feel with him toghether.. he is affectionate and throws me the kisses in the cereal isle of the grocery store.. but I cannot overlook the lack of communication because, like you said it amplifys 10X more.. if he would only chat with my on important issues. I know many things in his life stress him out .. I know this but he lets it boil inside...never mentioning it to me.. I feel like I know him half way!

Sumbride

If I ever get the chance to I am going to blow up all sports channels. A&E and the Discovery channel.. there will be nothing but radio!
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Funny you should mention your reason for waiting patiently.
I DID THE SAME THING!

and here i am, still his gf.

see, my bday is in october, and he kinda messed it up, anyways that led to a fight, and talking about marriage bla bla.
Okay so he said he had a plan, and that he knew what he had in mind.

I figure YAY! (I didn''t mention anything here cause I had no idea where it would go!)

so November was our FIRST DATE(not our anniversary, just the first date), i thought hey,.. maybe thats it! then I thought maybe xmas, then I thought maybe new years, then I thought maybe valentines day, then i thought maybe our anniversary (in march).

OKAY so you get where I''m going with it?
I''m just frustrated, and I totally get you! its like we want to give them the benfit of the doubt.. HA. well maybe we need to push things along (i hint ALL the time. haha)..

ps. i also think mine has the ring, so its making NOTHING better.. lol
 
Patchee,
I always had to ask my ex "What are you thinking? just to get him to share anything. And the answer was usually "Nothing." When I shared about how something made me feel, and he did not agree with it, he would tell me basically No, like I was wrong in feeling how I felt. Even when we went to counseling the counselor told him to not deny how I felt if he didnt agree with the same response. He never got it. I never felt listened to, and over the years (21) it became increasingly more frustrating. The decision I made was tough, because like others said, he was kind, gentle, good to the kids, didn't beat me, etc. There were other issues too, but if you can't communicate with your spouse, eventually someone may come along who seems to listen to you and share with you their feelings, and BAM! your marriage is in trouble. (Even though it already was) I can't stress enough to really pay attention to this issue....over 50% of marriages end in divorce, for many reasons, and if you are honest with what is important to you in your life and relationships before you take the plunge, perhaps you can be one of the lucky ones to live happily ever after.
 
Date: 4/12/2006 12:05:17 PM
Author: Patchee
I really can''t imagine him not in my life, just feeling like if he cannot communicate on general issues then what about the big issues? I don''t want to be the one to always bring up our future! Because, if I do, I will feel like his decisions are talk and that it is something he is not interested in but talking because I brought it up... that would really make me feel crappy! I just never know where he is coming from. We do have ''smart'' discussions and general - every day type discussions, he is not a total shut out but I believe like your said the key to all relationships is compromising. OK, that''s totally true and understandable but how much more can I/should I compromise when in return I get no compromising? Should be both way, I think..
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Click to expand...

You''re right, it definitely should be both ways, but men are not the most relationship-savvy creatures and genetically speaking aren''t as willing to give as women are. Either he has no idea his lack of communication bothers you or its just the way he is and he probably isn''t going to change. It''s hard to say which it is, but most men are not the type to just bring up marriage on their on, even if its something they really, really want. My fiance would never, ever talk about marriage at first. He would never bring it up and even if I did, he''d just kinda brush me off. But after a few months, he realized he was ready to settle down and get married.

I think the biggest problem with men when it comes to marriage is that they''re scared of it. You say "married" they hear "trapped." They think no more nights out with the guys, no more sports, no more sex life, and the stories they''ve heard about how marriage changes everything. Men mature much, much slower than women and it can take them longer for their little biological clocks to start ticking (yes, men have them too) and realize they want to settle down, get married, and start a family. Maybe you''re guy just really isn''t ready for that yet or maybe he likes what you have and doesn''t want it to change.
 
Awe, cool on having half of the combination together (the ring) Sparkly! It will happen pretty soon then, I feel. Is he the out-of-the-blue-type? Or a planner? Do you think he will make it simple? Or a big surprise? I am exciting for you and I just hy-jacked my own thread ... but I did it for a great reasoN! Yeah!!! If he is simple, think it will be a walk to the park and a down on the knee? Or a favorite dinner like first date place? Totally surprise you with rose peddles and all that? Did you pick out the ring?? I''m sorry I have a lot of questions for you
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It had to hurt watching the holidays pass by with nothing, eh?
So... I hear what your saying... don''t wait for special days because they will come and go ... Perhaps I am setting myself up for heartache? Ouch, don''t want that. Is now too early to speak of it again considering we spoke 2 months ago on it?? Another reason I don''t want to bring it up is that I feel like if I don''t get a solid committed answer and something after that then I am going to have to deal with it or move on.. ouch again! I mean weddings take a lot of time to plan.. I don''t want to wait 10 years to get proposed to and then another 1.5 planning a wedding.. by then ... phewww I''d be burnt out.. kidding - but thinking about all this stuff is like whoa!
 
XChick wrote:

I think the biggest problem with men when it comes to marriage is that they''re scared of it. You say "married" they hear "trapped." They think no more nights out with the guys, no more sports, no more sex life, and the stories they''ve heard about how marriage changes everything. Men mature much, much slower than women and it can take them longer for their little biological clocks to start ticking (yes, men have them too) and realize they want to settle down, get married, and start a family. Maybe you''re guy just really isn''t ready for that yet or maybe he likes what you have and doesn''t want it to change.
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See, I would agree on this but I am 28 years old.. he is 36!!! His bar hopping, staying out late, all of our friends are all married with children and our "nights out with friends" consist of one of our houses with radio, drinks, kids running all over and dinner..... you would think he would want to settle .. that''s what scares me.. I do not want children nor does he.. makes me think he does not want to change what we have now... why bother.. don''t want kids, clocks can tick tock away if they want etc. I feel if not at 36 -37 then It''s not happening, wish he would just tell me if that is the case ... ouchie!
 
I hate to say it, but maybe he does just want things to stay the same. Some people just don''t see the need for marriage when their relationship is already great. Its really hard to tell, especially when he won''t tell you. I wish you the best of luck with this and hope everything works out for you.
 
Date: 4/12/2006 1:02:04 PM
Author: Patchee
See, I would agree on this but I am 28 years old.. he is 36!!! His bar hopping, staying out late, all of our friends are all married with children and our ''nights out with friends'' consist of one of our houses with radio, drinks, kids running all over and dinner..... you would think he would want to settle .. that''s what scares me.. I do not want children nor does he.. makes me think he does not want to change what we have now... why bother.. don''t want kids, clocks can tick tock away if they want etc. I feel if not at 36 -37 then It''s not happening, wish he would just tell me if that is the case ... ouchie!
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Patchee, and please don''t take offense because 2 years ago, when I was 28, I went through some major doubts about my relationship with my now husband, and where things were going. DH is not a huge communicator, but I never feel as if there is a lack of things to talk about - sometimes people just need to be quiet and keep to their own space.

However, it sounds like you feel that at your age, you don''t really have the time to wait for him to poop or get off the pot if marriage is REALLY important to you, and it sounds like it is.

I would have the marriage talk right now - and nail him down to a timeframe IF marriage is really on his mind. You need to logically (from a male perspective) explain to him why marriage is important to you, because there are so many men out there who feel marriage is simply a piece of paper, and that it''s sole basis is to support the children and family you will one day have.

I wish you the best of luck, but this is a situation you really need to get a hold on, for your own sanity and for his.
 
see, the only reason i say don''t foccus on the holidays coming is because it''ll make it A LOT harder to enjoy them.
I love christmas, and i HATED that I foccused so much on the idea that "maybe this was it"

I don''t think that because nothing has been "set" yet that it means you''ll have to leave him.. you just need to show him the importance of this to you
for me. no kids until i''m married(i don''t want them yet, but anyways), and there are other reasons i need the commitment before i step forward.


the ring. if he got what i hope he got (which he did) will be a round, mmmm. surprisingly he doesn''t liek ANY other shapes(he used to like princess but now not so much), and for me, I lOVE RB''s or pears.. (i never liked pears before, but this site has transformed me..!)

anyways so it would/will probably be a white gold round with smaller diamonds along the side..
and here''s the thing, I am at a point where I don''t think its "soon" anymore because HE SAID IT WAS SOON AGES AGO! haha.
Plus, I think he may have had the ring for a WHILE! ugh!

he is simple, but he seemed to wantto make it big. I WANT it simple tho.. like, i posted in my thread called AHHH! all I''d love is to wake up to him proposing with pancakes strawberries and daisies :) that would be perfect. and very us.

so i''m not holding my breath. but he knows where i stand.

as for you... MAKE SURE YOU tell him where you stand (i don''t mean give him an ultimatum *sp?*) but just let him know how you feel about marriage, and that you really don''t think it will change more, but that its what you want. :)(or whatever the reason is of course!)

okay sorry so long! haha!
 
ps. some guys dont want to make it on a holliday.. i think its just we assume they will because they are simple.. and it would be easier that way? hah.

but i think you guys are ready.. i didnt know he was 36.. does he have any sort of commitment issue? I assume not since you guys have been together for so long.. but guys arent always on the ball, maybe he got the impression u werent ready? (as lame as that sounds.. it happens more then u''d think!)
tallllllllk to him :) (without being pushy, just talk yay!) haha
 
Oh Patchee... big hugs!
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I have a couple of thoughts: 1. You need to find a way to make time to chat every day. Find a ritual that gives you both time for it be it over dinner, for a walk, right before bed, etc.... Tell him it helps you feel closer to him. We like to chat over the news (getting all stirred up about current politics) and right before bed about our worries, frustrations, and how much we appreciate each other. And 2: Yep, without the kid factor it is harder to get him nailed down for marriage. Have you asked him what he envisions for your future and when? Tell him it gets you excited to know what his plans are- then coax him into giving you a timeframe. It is only fair for you. It doesn''t need to be a flat ultimatum- but it is good to let him know how you feel and get a consensus on the relationship. I told my guy- that the relationship is expiring Dec. 31st to which he said- I don''t think you have anything to worry about. Made me feel much better!
 
Please excuse the crudeness of the following post. I''d love to go back and properly give credit to who said what, but I''m at work, it''s been a crazy day, and I don''t think my patience will allow for that this afternoon!!
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Patchee, I''ve kept up with your story for a while now. I''m not in a position to give you advice such as "dump him." I don''t know enough about the situation to say something like that, and unless you (or anyone, for that matter, even an IRL friend) said "he beats the crap out of me every night" or "he''s cheating on me" I would never counsel "dumping" right off the bat. First, it''s insensitive, second, it doesn''t promote working through issues once (if) you do get married. However, there does come a time where you need to re-evaluate the situation, take a step back, and look at what you''re dealing with, no matter how hard that may be, no matter what the conclusion may be, no matter what course of action you may take (and be damned with what other people think you should do...who are we anyway?
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to tell you what to do?...this is YOUR life)

I''m going to give you some thoughts, just sort of random musings on what I''ve read about your situation. Please don''t take offense to any of it...I''m just spouting off.
You say he doesn''t communicate. I agree with the poster who said the day and a half "test" isn''t a fair way to gauge his communication skills. However, there was a nagging reason you felt you had to "test" the communication skills in the first place. What I''m getting out of that is that you feel like you''re almost forcing the actual relationship. Yes, he is willingly living with you. Yes, he is willingly doing things with you (the hobbies, the vacations, etc). But a relationship is about communication and fulfilling each others emotional needs. You''re not getting that, from what I''m reading. You''re basically having to force it (ie, draw it out of him) everyday, which has to take a toll on your emotional health. You cannot continue to do that day in and day out for the rest of your life. This may be incredibly simple to solve. A discussion with him...plead your case. Let him know what your emotional needs actually are without condemning him as a bad guy, as a terrible boyfriend, as a unsuccessful man. There is nothing wrong with letting a man know this, but dealing with man is very, very different than how you would deal with a woman. Many times, we can only change ourselves in hope of affecting change on our partner. I''m not saying be a doormat, but after you plead your case, let it go. Then go to work on yourself. Make yourself available, share his interests, try to make yourself his best friend...but don''t force conversation. If this doesn''t work, then you might need to re-evaluate the entire situation...if you are emotionally fulfilled with the changes that occur, then the relationship can proceed. If you''re not, then this isn''t the man for you. It''s not his fault, it''s not your fault...people aren''t always meant to be together. I would look up something on the internet called the five love languages...buy the book. Determine which one you are, and try to determine which one he is. When you''re meeting his, he''ll be much more eager to meet yours...

I also find it troublesome that he''s that old and doesn''t mention marriage. I also find it troublesome that you find it so difficult to bring the subject up to him...this also shows a lack of good communication between the two of you. You''re living together and sharing all of the "perks" of being married with the loophole of not being legally or emotionally bound in marriage. You have to ask "why" this is something he doesn''t think about/discuss with you. Now it might be a suprise thing, but to NEVER really talk about it is not normal, at all. IF he is planning something for the holidays, etc, it would be the biggest fake out of all time. Do you, in your gut, honestly feel that''s what he''s doing? Neither one of you want children, you''re already living together, he''s honestly got no incentive to get married. If this is something you really want, then you might have to take a look at that possibility...he''s complacent. You brought it up, and 2 months later, he hasn''t said anything else. Very strange...

And I agree with the poster who said to pay attention to these things BEFORE you get married. Getting married is only going to make the situation worse (if something is wrong, it will make that thing seem worse than it was before). And then you''ve got a commitment...you''ve got a situation where you knew there was a problem beforehand, went ahead anyway, and then you''ll have to deal with remorse, regret, etc. Not good stuff. Just be cautious. We care about you.

You''re young, you''re obviously intelligent, I haven''t seen your picture, but I''m going to say you''re beautiful, just because you''re on PS
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. I don''t like to see women bogged down hoping for a dream with someone when the dream is out there...they''re just not free to go get it. Or they won''t tweek what they have to make it their dream. Whatever happens, you''ve got plenty of support...IRL and on here.
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I wanted to respond again because Angela''s post was really good. One very good points was this:

I also find it troublesome that he''s that old and doesn''t mention marriage. I totally agree with this, for example, my friend (bless her heart) is so sweet and caring she''s 29 and dating someone whose at least my age (34, in 2 days) although, I believe he''s in his late 30''s (37 or 38). He has never told her that he loves her, talks about marriage but in the ''one day when *I* get married....'' not in the ''one day when *we* get married.......'' They''ve been together 4 years....4 YEARS and not one mentions of love or marriage. She wants to get married, wants to have children and truly believes in her heart that they will get married.
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Not that I don''t hope he comes around but here''s my experienced on this and why I don''t think he will change. I dated a guy who was 4 years older than me, always talked about never wanting to get married, never wanted kids, blah blah blah. Well he was right, he didn''t want to get married....TO ME that is...he is married now. Now I''m not trying to say that this is the case with your boyfriend but I also find it odd that at 36 and after 2 years of being together, your BF hasn''t spoken of marriage. So be sure to find out for sure if you both are or are not on the same page as far as that goes. Women have a tendancy to think they can change a guy when it comes to things, I would know, I''ve naivly done it a couple times. So play close attention to what you BF is saying.

Also, I''ll go back to my ''test'' thing, my FI ''tested'' me before, I was furious...I can''t even remember what it was for now but still all''s he had to do was tell me his concern not ''test'' me, IMO it was a pretty immature way of dealing with something that was bothering him. I know you said you''ve talked to him before about the communcation but maybe you need to say something again, let him know that you are serious about how much it bothers you. Then take care of yourself.....
 
It seems like there are two separate things going on here. In the first part you talk about lack of communication, and that you feel like you''re doing all the work in that field. But in the second part you talk about waiting until a certain time to see if he''ll ask you to marry you.

So issue A) you are unhappy that you are the one who always starts the conversations, and if you didn''t there wouldn''t be any.

Issue B) He doesn''t notice when you are feeling upset w/o being told.

Issue C) You''re not sure if he''s ever going to ask you to marry you since he may be perfectly comfortable with the relationship as is.

Have I got that right?

I think you need to decide (independantly of C) on wether or not you want to live with A and B for the rest of your life.
As for C it already sounds like you''ve decided to wait awhile to see what happens. If I were in your shoes I probably wouldn''t wait that long, but I''m not in your shoes.

About men and communication... Although while I''ll be the first to admit that men are alien creatures, in this case I don''t think the communication thing can be a blanket statement. Take a few recent snippets of conversation from my bf and I: "What''s wrong?"-"Nothing". "What are you thinking about?"-"Nothing." "Are you even listening to me?"- "Huh?" Let''s just say I''m the guilty party usually.
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My bf and I have excellent communication (outside of ring talk), and it''s entirely due to him.
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btw- used to be wren. I made the mistake of telling my bf what my username was a while ago, and last night he asked for the name of the forum. Then he asked if I ever mentioned him on PS.
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He didn''t seem to buy the ''S.O''s don''t read each other''s posts'' idea... so I have a new username!
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I just went back and read your other posts, Patchee, and it made me sad. You sound very forlorn in a lot of your posts ("looks like it''s never going to happen", "maybe there''s hope for me afterall", etc).

IndieJones...the artist formerly known as wren
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, made some excellent points, and I love how she broke it down into the three separate issues. Much more concise and eloquent than me.
 
Date: 4/12/2006 4:07:35 PM
Author: IndieJones

btw- used to be wren. I made the mistake of telling my bf what my username was a while ago, and last night he asked for the name of the forum. Then he asked if I ever mentioned him on PS.
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He didn''t seem to buy the ''S.O''s don''t read each other''s posts'' idea... so I have a new username!
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HaHa

Been there, done that.
 
Hi Patchee!

Sorry you are feeling down!. I have to agree with another post that "testing" him it''s not a good way to deal with it. I''m guilty of sometimes doing the same thing
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....but I''ve realized is better to just come out and say what you feel.

My BF is not a big chatter box either....but I do enough talking for the both of us
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