I guess I don''t understand

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 10/8/2008 1:02:50 PM
Author: gwendolyn
I wouldn''t consider hanging on to a great Christmas present for someone until December 25th to be holding something ''hostage'' from them because that''s the day that gift is waiting to be given. How is an engagement ring any different if the husband-to-be has a specific date in mind to propose?

That is a VERY good point Gwen! I can actually picture my guy doing this and holding onto it until the day he wants to pop the question. Im not sure how far in advance he would purchase it though. One month, three maybe? I couldn''t picture him buying it 6 months to a year before. Then again who knows! He sure does like to plan far in advance for things...But he would NEVER let me know he had it regardless. That''s just how he is. And he is good at keeping a surprise "under wraps" if you will. Plus, he knows how I am. And Im BAD when it comes to knowing he has a surprise for me. So in my case, I would never even know he had it (if he did).........

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 10/8/2008 1:41:35 PM
Author: rob09
I guess all of this poses the question as to whether some men just buy the ring without ''really'' being ready ... and/or to ''escape'' constant nagging?? Even if it is done together and even if they say that they are ready? Hm.

Ouch.. good point. I think that''s what I meant by "second thoughts" in my earlier post.

I think that''s part of the reason it would make me so mad if I knew that he''s had the ring for like 6 months.. like what the heck are you waiting for?! Do you really want to ask me or not?!!

I think it''s better to NOT know if he has it.. and luckily I have no clue.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 10/8/2008 2:17:11 PM
Author: Dreamgirl

Date: 10/8/2008 1:02:50 PM

Author: gwendolyn

I wouldn''t consider hanging on to a great Christmas present for someone until December 25th to be holding something ''hostage'' from them because that''s the day that gift is waiting to be given. How is an engagement ring any different if the husband-to-be has a specific date in mind to propose?

That is a VERY good point Gwen! I can actually picture my guy doing this and holding onto it until the day he wants to pop the question. Im not sure how far in advance he would purchase it though. One month, three maybe? I couldn''t picture him buying it 6 months to a year before. Then again who knows! He sure does like to plan far in advance for things...But he would NEVER let me know he had it regardless. That''s just how he is. And he is good at keeping a surprise ''under wraps'' if you will. Plus, he knows how I am. And Im BAD when it comes to knowing he has a surprise for me. So in my case, I would never even know he had it (if he did).........

Thank you, my dear! I thought that analogy might work since I myself shop for Christmas about 2 weeks beforehand, but know plenty of people who shop for Christmas presents in June and July. Doesn''t work for me personally to shop way in advance of the day, but it does work for some.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Sure thing!

I know I've already bought my boyfriend a gift and I know he has gotten me one as well. (we have this whole "Christmas Budget" thing where we set the budget and spend that much on each other, so it doesn't hurt to start already...) Christmas is for sure on my mind and it's only October. But I can't resist because going out shopping and seeing Christmas things in the stores makes me dream of Christmas.....

So it definitely makes sense that a guy could have a ring well in advance with a specific date in mind.........

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 10/8/2008 2:52:06 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 10/8/2008 2:17:11 PM
Author: Dreamgirl

Date: 10/8/2008 1:02:50 PM

Author: gwendolyn

I wouldn''t consider hanging on to a great Christmas present for someone until December 25th to be holding something ''hostage'' from them because that''s the day that gift is waiting to be given. How is an engagement ring any different if the husband-to-be has a specific date in mind to propose?

That is a VERY good point Gwen! I can actually picture my guy doing this and holding onto it until the day he wants to pop the question. Im not sure how far in advance he would purchase it though. One month, three maybe? I couldn''t picture him buying it 6 months to a year before. Then again who knows! He sure does like to plan far in advance for things...But he would NEVER let me know he had it regardless. That''s just how he is. And he is good at keeping a surprise ''under wraps'' if you will. Plus, he knows how I am. And Im BAD when it comes to knowing he has a surprise for me. So in my case, I would never even know he had it (if he did).........

Thank you, my dear! I thought that analogy might work since I myself shop for Christmas about 2 weeks beforehand, but know plenty of people who shop for Christmas presents in June and July. Doesn''t work for me personally to shop way in advance of the day, but it does work for some.

I don''t mean any disrespect ladies, I guess I can see where you''re coming from in a way, but the Christmas analogy just doesn''t work for me.

I dunno about you guys but I don''t (usually) go Christmas shopping 6 months in advance, WITH the person I am buying for, intending to purchase for them a significantly pricey gift (which they themselves most likely picked out) that costs thousands of dollars, which also includes with it a promise of forever... and then keep it in the sock drawer for 6 months WITH their knowledge of me holding the gift hostage, knowing that this is something that they''re dieing to have.

I mean usually - not always - the person doesn''t know what you got them for Christmas. And if you DO end up buying them something you intend to give them for Christmas and it happens to be June or July, hopefully they have no knowledge of it. I don''t see anything wrong with shopping so far in advance for these kinds of things.. as long as you''re doing that kind of purchasing ALONE.
I mean if my boyfriend came up to me in July and said "HEY I''ve got this AWESOME LIFE-CHANGING present to give you - you know.. the one we bought together last week.. but I''m thinkin I''m not really sure when I''m gonna give it to you.. eh maybe in 6 months or so.." I''d wonder what the deal with him was. I''d wonder why the ring wasn''t purchased closer to the time that he had in mind to propose.

I dunno if i made any sense in what i just said...

I guess what I see as odd is purchasing the ring together and then the guy holding it hostage for months and months. If he purchased the ring and she has no clue that he''s got it that''s a different story... then as far as I''m concerned he can keep it for years (dunno why he would though)!!
As long as she doesn''t know and isn''t being tortured by the idea that there''s a symbol of forever hiding somewhere in the house but she can''t officially have it for another 6 months!

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 10/8/2008 1:41:35 PM
Author: rob09
I guess all of this poses the question as to whether some men just buy the ring without ''really'' being ready ... and/or to ''escape'' constant nagging?? Even if it is done together and even if they say that they are ready? Hm.

If a guy spends thousands in order to shut his girl up, then he''s not all that bright to begin with

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 10/8/2008 4:22:59 PM
Author: Namaste

I guess what I see as odd is purchasing the ring together and then the guy holding it hostage for months and months. If he purchased the ring and she has no clue that he''s got it that''s a different story... then as far as I''m concerned he can keep it for years (dunno why he would though)!!
As long as she doesn''t know and isn''t being tortured by the idea that there''s a symbol of forever hiding somewhere in the house but she can''t officially have it for another 6 months!

That doesn''t make sense to me.

What is the difference between a guy secretly buying a ring and holding on to it for months...and a guy that buys the ring with the girl and holding it on for months?

There really isn''t a difference between a guy purchasing a ring by himself and deciding that even though he has the ring the time isn''t right versus a guy that goes shopping with his girl, has the ring, but the time isn''t right. The only difference between the two is that instead of having an impatient girl wondering when he''s going to propose...you have an impatient girl wondering when he''s going to take the ring out of the hiding place.

I think in general people are never satisfied. If he purchased the ring and then turned around and said "here you go" well that really isn''t all that great of a proposal. And 9 out of 10 times when the couple goes into a store to purchase the ring together its because the girl feels that its time to start looking but that doesn''t mean that the guy has his plans to propose ready.

By shopping with the guy, you''re already taking the element of finding a ring for hiimself out. And then by dictating a timeline for him to turn the ring over, you are taking away what he feels would be a good time for him to propose. Who knows...maybe he gets the ring in June with you but decides that Thanksgiving in front of the family would be the perfect time.

It''s his proposal too

 

[bee*]

D and I bought the ring in July and he waited until October to propose-reason being, we had bought the ring together and he wanted the proposal to be a surprise. He also wanted to plan the proposal. He took me to Barcelona for it so that''s also why he needed time to wait until I had a weekend free and had no exams during the week.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 10/8/2008 4:22:59 PM
Author: Namaste
I don''t mean any disrespect ladies, I guess I can see where you''re coming from in a way, but the Christmas analogy just doesn''t work for me.


I dunno about you guys but I don''t (usually) go Christmas shopping 6 months in advance, WITH the person I am buying for, intending to purchase for them a significantly pricey gift (which they themselves most likely picked out) that costs thousands of dollars, which also includes with it a promise of forever... and then keep it in the sock drawer for 6 months WITH their knowledge of me holding the gift hostage, knowing that this is something that they''re dieing to have.


I mean usually - not always - the person doesn''t know what you got them for Christmas. And if you DO end up buying them something you intend to give them for Christmas and it happens to be June or July, hopefully they have no knowledge of it. I don''t see anything wrong with shopping so far in advance for these kinds of things.. as long as you''re doing that kind of purchasing ALONE.

I mean if my boyfriend came up to me in July and said ''HEY I''ve got this AWESOME LIFE-CHANGING present to give you - you know.. the one we bought together last week.. but I''m thinkin I''m not really sure when I''m gonna give it to you.. eh maybe in 6 months or so..'' I''d wonder what the deal with him was. I''d wonder why the ring wasn''t purchased closer to the time that he had in mind to propose.



I dunno if i made any sense in what i just said...


I guess what I see as odd is purchasing the ring together and then the guy holding it hostage for months and months. If he purchased the ring and she has no clue that he''s got it that''s a different story... then as far as I''m concerned he can keep it for years (dunno why he would though)!!

As long as she doesn''t know and isn''t being tortured by the idea that there''s a symbol of forever hiding somewhere in the house but she can''t officially have it for another 6 months!

The point of the Christmas analogy is just that sometimes gifts are bought with a specific purpose in mind--i.e., there''s a difference for some between giving ''just because'' gifts and giving an anniversary present. Although perhaps unbeknownst to you (or whomever) before the proposal, it is possible that the hostage-taking man has an idea of when he wants to propose and bought the ring at a good price in advance and wants to hold onto it until an anniversary, or holiday, or big night he''s got planned, or just to get his plans in order to make sure everything goes right for this event you will recount hundreds and hundreds of times.

Another aspect is that it can be extremely overwhelming to shop for a ring, even with assistance from one''s partner. I know that I personally have found it to be exhausting and diamonds are a hobby of mine! So I can only imagine how it would feel for someone who doesn''t love diamonds to try buying one for someone they love (especially anyone who loves jewelry as much as a PSer!). I have also seen that glazed look in my boyfriend''s eyes when I show him diamond stuff.

Suffice it to say that I could easily imagine why a man maybe wouldn''t have an exact proposal plan lined up before the purchase of the ring. They don''t multi-task like us women, doncha know.

I have to agree with Rob in that it seems that the foundation of the concerns about this are that there becomes uneasiness if the man doesn''t propose right away, he might be changing his mind or something. One of the ladies here, honey22, waited a long time (over 6 months, in the end, wasn''t it?) for her sweetheart to propose, but when he did, it was an AMAZING proposal that involved her parents flying in as a surprise for her 30th birthday party (which also became their engagement party). She fretted and was told to have faith that of COURSE it would happen, worried he had cold feet, but, in the end, of course it did happen and she wouldn''t have had her proposal any other way.

So, I guess the point is--try to have a little faith! He wants to marry you, yes? Then let it come when it comes. I bet he''s got good reasons for the wait like honey22''s future hubby had. Just trust him a little!

 

[blondebunny]

yes it stinks... BUT its nice to know he actually has it, and I dont have to say anything... its actually very soothing and will calm your LIWitis... Mines been hostage since July 20th- whats that almost 3 months?? I dunno when Im gonna get it?

 

[Dreamgirl]

HAS it already been 3 months since he bought that beauty?!? OOOOWEEE time flies by so quickly.

I remember the day you were so excited that you were going back to buy it....

Lucky you though, you already KNOW exactly what you are getting and its just what you want too!!!!!!!!

And it sure is purrrrdy!

 

[blondebunny]

Date: 10/8/2008 6:26:51 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
HAS it already been 3 months since he bought that beauty?!? OOOOWEEE time flies by so quickly.

I remember the day you were so excited that you were going back to buy it....

Lucky you though, you already KNOW exactly what you are getting and its just what you want too!!!!!!!!

And it sure is purrrrdy!

I know right I cant believe its been that long.. time has been flying by!!! Sometimes I wish I didnt know what it was... and it wasnt my fault or his that I knew.. it was the SAs fault because she was so pushy....

He could not give it to me for even longer... I honestly have NO idea when he is going to give it to me.. But i know not in Oct or Nov because we are soo busy with school... and if its in december it wont be until probably the middle past the 15th or so because we have finals and he will be busy... soo I really have no idea.. I just dont want it on my bday or christmas.. I hope that doesnt sound selfish.. but I like them to be a day on their own.. ya know... Im thinking he might do it Dec 29th- its our 2 yr 6 month... so I think he will... hmmmm

 

[SparklyLibra]

Date: 10/8/2008 12:31:08 AM
Author: sunnyd
It''s either


a) because he already has a plan in place

or

b) because he thinks you''ll ''forget'' about it and be surprised by the proposal...boys...

LMAO@ "forget". They must think that we think like they do. I wonder if they have any idea what kind of torture it is for women.

Not to threadjack, maybe just a spin-off I guess, but another thing I''ve never seen before PS is so many women involved in the process of their ring. Mind you, I have nothing against it being the control freak that I am, LOL! But I often wonder, does it mean that my FFI and I are just dare I say it:

"old fashioned"

. I got to say what cut and setting I like the best, and that was all the input he asked for. He says after that I have NO say whatsoever!?! I guess I just need to climb out from my rock and become better aquainted with how it''s done these days!

~SL.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

My situation is a little different... the SO is in Germany, and only comes back to the US once until next year. He''s got a jeweler here he wants to buy from, so he''s going to get it "when he can"...

I THINK he already bought the ring- he won''t tell me- but he''s being funny about, so I think he did- then we decided to put off our engagement (which we thought he was going to plan for this Christmas).

So- he will be keeping the ring hostage- but I''m OK with it.

 

[sklingem]

Date: 10/8/2008 4:48:01 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 10/8/2008 4:22:59 PM

There really isn''t a difference between a guy purchasing a ring by himself and deciding that even though he has the ring the time isn''t right versus a guy that goes shopping with his girl, has the ring, but the time isn''t right. The only difference between the two is that instead of having an impatient girl wondering when he''s going to propose...you have an impatient girl wondering when he''s going to take the ring out of the hiding place.
I think in general people are never satisfied. If he purchased the ring and then turned around and said ''here you go'' well that really isn''t all that great of a proposal. And 9 out of 10 times when the couple goes into a store to purchase the ring together its because the girl feels that its time to start looking but that doesn''t mean that the guy has his plans to propose ready.
By shopping with the guy, you''re already taking the element of finding a ring for hiimself out. And then by dictating a timeline for him to turn the ring over, you are taking away what he feels would be a good time for him to propose. Who knows...maybe he gets the ring in June with you but decides that Thanksgiving in front of the family would be the perfect time.


It''s his proposal too

I mostly agree with this. In the end, it should be a guy''s decision on when/where to propose. Is it more difficult to wait when you know the ring is there or when you don''t know whether he has it? I guess that knowing that the ring is there takes away some of the uncertainty and thus allows women to get their hopes up, which may not be the case when you don''t know whether he has the ring. In the end though this may be the "price to pay" if you want to be in the loop and design/purchase the ring together. The "best" solution for those women who want to be involved may be to do some of the designing/shopping together, but leave the ultimate purchasing decision/timing up to the guy. I.e. "you know exactly what I want, now it is up to you". If you have already found a diamond, I guess that he could get it with your knowledge but decide on the timing for the setting on his own. In the end there is no perfect solution. But maybe that would avoid driving yourself crazy?

 

[fuzzers]

Thanks for all the replies! I don''t want to offend anyone, cause everyone has different opinions on this. But if my SO and and I picked out a ring, and he kept it for months WITH my knowledge... I just can''t understand why. I don''t care if the proposal is in Paris or Barcelona... I would be happy if he proposed on the couch while we were watching Mythbusters. The max time I would wait is a month, and that''s ONLY if we have a fancy trip to Europe planned (fat chance!) lol.

 

[diamondringlover]

I have often wondered this very same thing, I had never heard of buying the ring and then not proposing, but then again I am from a different era, I got engaged 26 years ago this Christmas and things were done differently back when, so I had no clue this is the way things are done now. Thanks for all the clarifications, I found it interesting to how things have changed from my era.

 

[i_heart_cushions]

Although I understand that guys might need time to plan the proposal (whether it be a vacation someplace and he needs to save up money or get vacation time, or if he needs to talk to her parents, etc), I still think it''s unfair for the girl to knowingly have to wait for it. Not that I''m saying it''s the WRONG way to to it - I just don''t think she needs to know that he has it. If he wants to, he can tell her AFTERWARDS, and that way it just won''t be as cruel! I had a similar discussion like this with the BF, and I basically explained it in "boy terms" so he understands: it would be like me buying him ...I dunno...an Xbox game that he has been dying to play (please note the BF is 32 and still Xboxes like a 12 year old..haha), but then I keep it hostage until I feel like giving it to him. The anticipation would drive him nuts! And that is only a GAME!!!! Not a life altering piece of jewelry!


I know with my BF, I have helped him every step of the way in regards to what I want, the style I like....but after that - I want the rest to be a surprise...of course, I doubt he''d hold on to it for longer than he really needs to if I knew he had it because he knows I''d tear his place apart looking for it.

I just dont want it on my bday or christmas.. I hope that doesnt sound selfish.. but I like them to be a day on their own.. ya know...

And I agree with blondebunny - I personally wouldn''t want a proposal to take away from my bday or Xmas. those are MY days and MY days alone! haha

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

SO got my ring in June? July? I don''t even remember anymore. I''ve basically convinced myself that he doesn''t have it. I guess he doesn''t feel rushed though, because he has no idea that I know

I keep telling him that women know everything. One day he will believe me...

This cracks me up

They *think* they''re so sneaky...

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 10/10/2008 8:32:06 PM
Author: fuzzers
Thanks for all the replies! I don''t want to offend anyone, cause everyone has different opinions on this. But if my SO and and I picked out a ring, and he kept it for months WITH my knowledge... I just can''t understand why. I don''t care if the proposal is in Paris or Barcelona... I would be happy if he proposed on the couch while we were watching Mythbusters. The max time I would wait is a month, and that''s ONLY if we have a fancy trip to Europe planned (fat chance!) lol.

Well, then when it''s all over, ask him why he waited so long (assuming it isn''t obvious at the time). His answer should either make you melt into a pile of goo, or smack him on the back of the head.

But either way, then you''ll know!

 

[allycat0303]

Well maybe if he has a special date in mind. When I got engaged a few years back, I think he had the ring and had planned to propose about 5 months later, because it was our tenth year anniversary. When he got the ring, he was so excited that he proposed rignt away. But I would really not have minded waiting until my tenth year anniversary

 

[lisamarie84]

Date: 10/8/2008 1:35:03 PM
Author: goodfun7580
Had I known he was going to hang on to it for this long, I would have prefered he not even bought it when he did or involve me at all.

I feel the EXACT same way. SO has had the ring since the end of June and still no proposal

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Date: 10/10/2008 8:32:06 PM
Author: fuzzers
Thanks for all the replies! I don''t want to offend anyone, cause everyone has different opinions on this. But if my SO and and I picked out a ring, and he kept it for months WITH my knowledge... I just can''t understand why. I don''t care if the proposal is in Paris or Barcelona... I would be happy if he proposed on the couch while we were watching Mythbusters. The max time I would wait is a month, and that''s ONLY if we have a fancy trip to Europe planned (fat chance!) lol.

I''ve got to respectfully disagree with this statement. Many people have waited, and this is almost setting an ultimatum saying "the most I would wait is a month"... What happens when that month is over? Just up and walk away because the ring has been in his posession and not yet on your hand? If you are waiting on him to propose, you don''t set the terms of when.

I waited from early October 2007 to March 21, 2008, and, yes, I was impatient at times, but I knew he had an idea of what he wanted to do. I didn''t know what it was, but I gave it time. In the end, I''m so happy with the way it turned out. Trust me, all the angsty feelings go away when he proposes, and you don''t remember the short period of time that you knew about the ring and were wondering when it was going to happen...