I just need to vent.....

[bookworm21]

Another person I know just got engaged. The worst of it is that it is my bf''s secretary, who''s been going out with her guy for about two years or so. I''ve been with my BF for more than ten years!!!! TEN YEARS!!!!

It''s going to be ELEVEN years in August! I''m happy for his secretary, she''s a really nice girl and everything, but I really can''t help being upset about this. He has no intention whatsoever of proposing this year. I found that out over the weekend, because I asked him straight out: are we getting engaged sometime this year. His response? Well, it really depends on how the business does.

Am I being unfair to him? He''s supporting me through school (I don''t have to work, I just have to help him with his business in my spare time), he got me a car to get to and from school, bought several properties in my name (which is pretty much mine. If we sell, I just give him back what he put as a down payment and the rest is mine).

We pretty much live like a married couple; I manage all the bank accounts, and all bills (including mine) are paid by him, not me, since I don''t have an income. I''ll be graduating in December, and he said that if I wanted to, I can go get an MBA before going back to work.

Am I being unfair to him? Am I being unreasonable in wanting to get engaged this year? Another thing is the cost of the ring: we both agreed that 1.5 carats is the size for us, because he thinks 1 carat is too small, and we don''t ever intend to upgrade, ever. We believe that it''s something that should be kept for life, so that''s another hindrance.

Please give me your honest opinions, brutal as they may be. Thanks.

 

[Mara]

hmm tough situation...

on one hand you guys are already practically married, so why not just do it? do you really need a diamond or a ring? what's most important, the ring or the marriage.

you say that he feels like a 1c is too small so a 1.5 is what you are waiting for. maybe he's just being evasive? what if he is playing on the fact that you do want a 1.5 to buy himself more time ? what for i couldn't tell you, just thinking out loud.

i always wonder when couples act so married in every way but the ACTUAL way of being married. what's the holdup? depends on how the business is doing? man girl put your foot down. does he want to be married to you or not?

sounds like he's got everything the way he wants it and is perfectly happy like this, even if you are not. i'd definitely sit him down and tell him what you want. does he respect that?

just throwing some thoughts out there, obviously you know your relationship better than me but after TEN YEARS don't you have to wonder what is the holdup?? i would be...after year three or four....after year 1.5 i was like okay whats the deal here? i didn't want to wait around and see what happened. i knew what i wanted and i needed him to know too because waiting around to be on the same timeline wasn't going to work for me....i didn't want to pin my hopes on something that may not be there. sometimes lighting a fire under their butts really gets them thinking.

good luck!!

 

[Caribou]

Has he any intentions at all of purposing? 10 years is a long time but, then again, if you started dating in HS your are still at a young age.

He supports you while you are college, even encouraging you to get your MBA. There could be two reasons for this, he could want you to have a higher education because he knows that you are capable and wants you to focus on that. Or, it could be another excuse for him to wait longer to purpose.

From what you said, he gives you alot, alot of stuff that I would think I guy wouldn''t give a girl he had no intention on staying with so maybe you need to be patient.

What I think you need to do is have a talk with him, find out what his intentions are, does he ever plan on proposing if so when. If not, you have a right to know so that you can move on.

 

[Mara]

Caribou with all due respect gal, I love ya but.....10 years sounds like patient enough no????

 

[bookworm21]

Mara, thanks so much for your quick response.

I know what the holdup is, and I do understand...somewhat. He's a very cautious guy, money-wise, because he grew up with very little money and had to go out and make his own when he was very young. Also, because he is self-employed, the income, though good for now, is not guaranteed. In fact, he may actually lose the lease in a couple of years. So right now, he's concentrating on saving whatever the hell he can, just in case he cannot renew the lease.

He also doesn't want to get married because if our names are tied together, then if one has to file for bankruptcy for one reason or another, the other's credit will be negatively affected too. It's a matter of protecting assets, I guess. His is a relatively high-risk business, plus we have just gotten into real estate, not heavily leveraged or anything, but the risk is still there.

The bottom line is that he is very cautious about money, and I know he wants to marry me, and he is VERY generous when it comes to certain things, but a ring and a wedding will cost about $80K, and there is no way of dodging a big wedding. We HAVE to invite family. And a bunch of friends. The number will be at least 300. I suggested with going to Hawaii for a wedding, but he said that's not possible because his family would be unwilling to travel, AND they will be upset with us for doing that. So that's out of the question. Plus, if we were to have a wedding in Hawaii, then we would have to pay for the plane tickets and hotel stay for my parents (who, by the way, will not be helping with the costs of the wedding), because they aren't well-off financially. My parents are another financial burden on us.

I don't know how much this rambling clarifies anything, but I reallly don't know what to think or what is reasonable to expect at this point.

ETA: Caribou, i just saw your post too. Thanks for your response too, and he wants me to get my MBA because of the salary thing. He believes that I am entirely capable of earning a six-figure salary, and he wants me to get my MBA because it would give me an edge over the competition, so to speak. And yes, he does do a lot for me, and I have told him that I want to get married sooner rather than later, because it's just ridiculous to have to wait until I'm 30 to settle down.

 

[freckles127]

Cinderella,

I can definitely relate to your situation. BF and I have been on and off (more on than off and very serious) for 8 yrs. There are days when I think "what is going on in that head of his?" While it is a very long time, there are probably factors that would play into why.. such as financial, commitment, and timing. Is he financially stable enough to purchase the 1.5? and does he know what you are ultimately waiting for? I know that my guy is a total romantic and sweet as can be so although I do drop subtle hints, I dont want ruin a surprise (if there is one!)

From what you said, he''s on the same wavelength as you but is concerned with affording everything. Perhaps you can sit down with him and have a talk about what the financials are and if a proposal would be feasible this year.

 

[Mara]

Welll it sounds like you''ve got lots of great reasons as to why he has not proposed yet.

So I guess my Q is....if the wedding really will cost $80k and you can''t get around it and you know why he doesn''t want to get married yet (financial reasons) do you REALLY think any of that will change or magically be fixed within the next year or five? What are your realistic expectations?

I hate to see someone (anyone on here!) so want to get engaged and married to their man and it be so unreachable because of what seem like superflous reasons. You don''t need a ring or family to get married in reality. If a couple REALLY wants it, they can make it happen. Marriage is really about TWO PEOPLE in the end making it work...you two are already doing that it sounds like? Seems silly to not just be married!!

Does he know how badly you want to get married? It sounds like he''s thinking of all the practical reasons, but nothing from the HEART?

 

[aphisiglovessae]

I'm not sure how long you've been living together but I'm pretty sure that in some states you may be close to qualifying as a common-law husband/wife. I'm not sure what the REAL reason for his hold up may be, but if you asked some other guys I know, this is what they would say:

You already live together, have a business together, own properties together, and basically live as husband/wife. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? He has everything he could possibly want from you already except that little piece of legal paper that says you are married. I know that little piece of paper is important to you, but it may not be as important to others (he might be one of them).

I agree. When you've basically established a life together that is indifferent to a married couple, he basically has no reason to hurry up and propose and marry you.

I also agree with Mara's posts and I agree with Caribou that you should have a heart-to-heart talk with him.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 2/20/2006 3:38:21 PM
Author: Mara
Caribou with all due respect gal, I love ya but.....10 years sounds like patient enough no????

I agree..believe me I would be puilling my hair out.....but if they started dating at 14, 24 for most guys is too young to marry. I''m just thinking like a guy here..at least trying too since they are weird.

I have friends who had been together for 12 years (he was at least 5 years older than her)....he had all intentions on marrying her but was taking his good old sweet time, because she let him, finally she told him ''either we marry by the end of the year or I''m outta here'' they Dec 31 of that year....like you said Mara, sometimes you need to light a flame under their butts.

 

[Mara]

Can I just say....

BOYS ARE WEIRD!

 

[larussel03]

What if you ended up having a very intimate wedding, just with immediate family and best friends? No outside relatives, so that no one who doesnt fit either catagory feels like they were the only ones left out? I think people tend to understand not being invited if it''s immediate family only because there are only a few people in your life that fit that criteria. It''s perfect if you really dont want a huge shabang. After being together for so long, many of them must feel like you''re already married, no? Unless of course you want the large wedding (which I do, but sometimes I really wish I could just have 20-50 people and leave it at that rather than 100-150).

Could alwyas have a long engagement too to save money : ) I know you''ve been together for a long time, but waiting 2 more years if you''re not planning on having children immediately could work out?

 

[bookworm21]

I'm going to try to answer all questions here, and I'm sorry if I don't refer to everyone by name...

Well, he's 29 and I'm 25. So there's the age difference there. Plus, the business is under his name only, not mine, so it's entirely a separate thing. As for common law marriage, records show that we've been living together for only the past three years. I think in this city, common law applies only after seven years of living together. I feel that we're financially stable enought to purchase the 1.5, but he thinks in percentages ALL the time.

And yes, he knows how badly I want to get married. And if course, it doesn't help that everyone around us seems to being doing so. From the heart? Hmm...that's a toughie. He's not a romantic, is a very practical person, and calculates every single major purchase to the penny (in terms of percentages related to how much money we have saved up and how much we expect to take in as income). I KNOW he loves me and wants me to be happy. I'm thinking of doing what Caribou's friend did. I'll give him another year to stabilize everything, and then give him the ultimatum. I think that's reasonable, because we bought a bulk of the property in this last year alone, so a year to stabilize is realistic, since we're not fully leveraged or anything.

And yes Mara, I agree with you. Boys are weird, and more often than not, they're FRUSTRATING!!!! ARRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

ETA: Sweetpea, the close family and friends thing isn't feasible at all. We've tried tackling the guest list problem from every direction, and the thing is, we can't offend anyone. We're Chinese, and I hate to say it, but traditionally, if you don't invite people to your wedding, they get offended. Especially since everyone seems to know everyone else, we really have no way out of it. It's so hard to explain the situation, but we pretty much have to invite everyone, or risk offending everyone.

And I mentioned the 2 year engagement to him. He thinks it may be a possibility, but...sigh. We'll see how everything goes.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 2/20/2006 3:41:31 PM
Author: Cinderella
Mara, thanks so much for your quick response.

I know what the holdup is, and I do understand...somewhat. He's a very cautious guy, money-wise, because he grew up with very little money and had to go out and make his own when he was very young. Also, because he is self-employed, the income, though good for now, is not guaranteed. In fact, he may actually lose the lease in a couple of years. So right now, he's concentrating on saving whatever the hell he can, just in case he cannot renew the lease.

He also doesn't want to get married because if our names are tied together, then if one has to file for bankruptcy for one reason or another, the other's credit will be negatively affected too. It's a matter of protecting assets, I guess. His is a relatively high-risk business, plus we have just gotten into real estate, not heavily leveraged or anything, but the risk is still there.

The bottom line is that he is very cautious about money, and I know he wants to marry me, and he is VERY generous when it comes to certain things, but a ring and a wedding will cost about $80K, and there is no way of dodging a big wedding. We HAVE to invite family. And a bunch of friends. The number will be at least 300. I suggested with going to Hawaii for a wedding, but he said that's not possible because his family would be unwilling to travel, AND they will be upset with us for doing that. So that's out of the question. Plus, if we were to have a wedding in Hawaii, then we would have to pay for the plane tickets and hotel stay for my parents (who, by the way, will not be helping with the costs of the wedding), because they aren't well-off financially. My parents are another financial burden on us.

I don't know how much this rambling clarifies anything, but I reallly don't know what to think or what is reasonable to expect at this point.

ETA: Caribou, i just saw your post too. Thanks for your response too, and he wants me to get my MBA because of the salary thing. He believes that I am entirely capable of earning a six-figure salary, and he wants me to get my MBA because it would give me an edge over the competition, so to speak. And yes, he does do a lot for me, and I have told him that I want to get married sooner rather than later, because it's just ridiculous to have to wait until I'm 30 to settle down.

Hey I'm 33 and getting married for the first time next year (I'll be 34

) So I hear you on the 30 thing, I feel the same way but I would not change it now because it was all worth the wait.

Anywho, back to you. I understand the money issues...that seems to be a big one with a lot of men, especially financially responsible men and understandably so. However, I'm thinking these are more excuses than anything. I don't understand his comment about what if one of us has to claim bankrupcty? Who plans for that?!?!?! I realize that owning your own business is more financially risky than what my FI does (car designer) BUT we could come up on some hardships too, you plan for your future but I've never known someone to plan for bankrupcty. And besides, claiming bankrupcty isn't age specific....my dad was in his 50's when he claimed bankrucpty. If not planned for hardships, financially, it could happen anytime. So is that going to be his on-going reason?

As far as the school thing goes...is this something YOU want to do. When you talk about it, it's 'HE wants me to get my MBA...HE thinks I'm capable of getting a 6 figure salary' Yes but will you be happy in whatever field you are going to get in making that 6 figure salary?

I don't mean to sound harsh...I just don't want to see you or anyone else on her to get hurt.

 

[bookworm21]

Thanks for being concerned about me Caribou, I really appreciate it.

I DO want to get my MBA, but I want to go back to work first because I just miss the work environment. It''s something that we''re debating on. He wants me to get the MBA first because he can afford it, and he isn''t sure if he can if I decide to go for two years later.

As for financial hardships happening at any time, that is EXACTLY what I''m thinking. I''ve also pointed out to him that you never know what will happen tomorrow. What if something happens and I die in a car accident or some other fluke? Of course, he doesn''t really understand that logic. Let''s see how things turn out.

I really appreciate all of you listening to me whine and sharing your thoughts. I can''t really turn to anyone I know in real life, because they think I''m crazy and obsessed about getting married. So thanks everyone!

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Date: 2/20/2006 4:08:11 PM
Author: Caribou

Date: 2/20/2006 3:41:31 PM
Author: Cinderella
Mara, thanks so much for your quick response.

I know what the holdup is, and I do understand...somewhat. He''s a very cautious guy, money-wise, because he grew up with very little money and had to go out and make his own when he was very young. Also, because he is self-employed, the income, though good for now, is not guaranteed. In fact, he may actually lose the lease in a couple of years. So right now, he''s concentrating on saving whatever the hell he can, just in case he cannot renew the lease.

He also doesn''t want to get married because if our names are tied together, then if one has to file for bankruptcy for one reason or another, the other''s credit will be negatively affected too. It''s a matter of protecting assets, I guess. His is a relatively high-risk business, plus we have just gotten into real estate, not heavily leveraged or anything, but the risk is still there.

The bottom line is that he is very cautious about money, and I know he wants to marry me, and he is VERY generous when it comes to certain things, but a ring and a wedding will cost about $80K, and there is no way of dodging a big wedding. We HAVE to invite family. And a bunch of friends. The number will be at least 300. I suggested with going to Hawaii for a wedding, but he said that''s not possible because his family would be unwilling to travel, AND they will be upset with us for doing that. So that''s out of the question. Plus, if we were to have a wedding in Hawaii, then we would have to pay for the plane tickets and hotel stay for my parents (who, by the way, will not be helping with the costs of the wedding), because they aren''t well-off financially. My parents are another financial burden on us.

I don''t know how much this rambling clarifies anything, but I reallly don''t know what to think or what is reasonable to expect at this point.

ETA: Caribou, i just saw your post too. Thanks for your response too, and he wants me to get my MBA because of the salary thing. He believes that I am entirely capable of earning a six-figure salary, and he wants me to get my MBA because it would give me an edge over the competition, so to speak. And yes, he does do a lot for me, and I have told him that I want to get married sooner rather than later, because it''s just ridiculous to have to wait until I''m 30 to settle down.

Hey I''m 33 and getting married for the first time next year (I''ll be 34

) So I hear you on the 30 thing, I feel the same way but I would not change it now because it was all worth the wait.

Anywho, back to you. I understand the money issues...that seems to be a big one with a lot of men, especially financially responsible men and understandably so. However, I''m thinking these are more excuses than anything. I don''t understand his comment about what if one of us has to claim bankrupcty? Who plans for that?!?!?! I realize that owning your own business is more financially risky than what my FI does (car designer) BUT we could come up on some hardships too, you plan for your future but I''ve never known someone to plan for bankrupcty. And besides, claiming bankrupcty isn''t age specific....my dad was in his 50''s when he claimed bankrucpty. If not planned for hardships, financially, it could happen anytime. So is that going to be his on-going reason?

As far as the school thing goes...is this something YOU want to do. When you talk about it, it''s ''HE wants me to get my MBA...HE thinks I''m capable of getting a 6 figure salary'' Yes but will you be happy in whatever field you are going to get in making that 6 figure salary?

I don''t mean to sound harsh...I just don''t want to see you or anyone else on her to get hurt.

I agree that some financial hardships cannot be planned for. Like they say: "S**T happens" and you just have to learn to adapt and cope with it. He sounds like my mother (who is Chinese as well) when it comes to money, but I think he''s being slightly unrealistic. My fiance''s parents filed for bankruptcy in their fourties I believe, but they managed to climb back up. They still have debt, but not nearly as much as they used to. I think he''s kind of using that as one of many excuses.

I also agree about the school issue. You sound like he''s telling you what to do. Is it what you want to do? I know lots of people who are satisfied with their Bachelor''s degrees and hold very good jobs with them.

Is the fact that''s he so obsessed about money bothering you? I know that my mom would drive me nuts sometimes because all I heard about was money. It would drive me even crazier if my boyfriend/fiance/even husband was as obsessed as you make your boyfriend sound. I know money controls everything, but there''s a point when people tend to worry TOO much about it and can''t enjoy their lives.

 

[freckles127]

Cinderella,

My .02: I think the long engagement is a great idea.. It gives him a goal and you some assurance of where the relationship is headed. Since he seems like a figures type of guy, perhaps when you have that heart to heart convo with him, you can give him some figures such as how much a ring costs, how much a BUDGETED wedding would cost, the time frame needed to plan everything. That way, you''re satisfying yourself by moving on w/the relationship and also giving information to him that he would relate better to. Sorry if I''m stepping on your toes but I hope this is sound advice!

About the guest list, I know... I am of the same culture and my list would be that long just from my mom''s church pals, relatives and distant relatives and then friends.. sheesh! I just don''t want a chinese banquet! so I don''t even know how I''ll be able to affrod that.

The MBA-I have debated with myself for over 2 yrs!! about getting a MBA and I''ve never found enough courage to quit my job and go back to school. Keep in mind how hard it is to go back to school once you start working, ok? Esp since he can afford it now, you may want to take advantage of it. I wish I were in the same predicament!

 

[Caribou]

Date: 2/20/2006 4:17:17 PM
Author: Cinderella
Thanks for being concerned about me Caribou, I really appreciate it.

I DO want to get my MBA, but I want to go back to work first because I just miss the work environment. It''s something that we''re debating on. He wants me to get the MBA first because he can afford it, and he isn''t sure if he can if I decide to go for two years later.

As for financial hardships happening at any time, that is EXACTLY what I''m thinking. I''ve also pointed out to him that you never know what will happen tomorrow. What if something happens and I die in a car accident or some other fluke? Of course, he doesn''t really understand that logic. Let''s see how things turn out.

I really appreciate all of you listening to me whine and sharing your thoughts. I can''t really turn to anyone I know in real life, because they think I''m crazy and obsessed about getting married. So thanks everyone!

Well that''s good. Since you have you bachelors already, you should be able to find a job that will pay for more schooling, especially if it benefits the work you are doing. At least that''s what it''s like her in MI.

My FI is a practical thinker too, I feel your pain.

Don''t worry Cinderella, we are or were crazy obessed about getting married. You are at the right place.

 

[E B]

Cinderella,

To be completely honest, I think he's making excuses again. I went back to read your first thread here at PS, and it doesn't seem like anything's changed (although at one point, you were excited because he was taking you to look at rings). 10 years is plenty of time to wait. Planning an $80k wedding right now is one thing, but being engaged is another. Long engagements happen left and right...one PS member and her boyfriend (allycat) aren't getting married until 2008 because of medical school issues, but they're still engaged.

If he's worried about spending a lot on a 1.5ct engagement ring, go smaller. Upgrading isn't a horrible thing and it'd probably be the smartest way to go seeing as how he's so nervous financially.

If you're acting like you're married now, I don't see why there shouldn't be a ring on your finger. My fiance makes far less than yours (I imagine) and he was able to shell out for a ring. Are we afraid of being poor? Absolutely. But that shouldn't matter in regards to an engagement. A marriage, maybe, but not an engagement. If he were my boyfriend, I'd say ring or walk. Seriously. No more excuses.

Good luck, and let us know what happens!


ETA: I realize how harsh I sound, and I don't mean to. I'm talking to you (well, typing to you) as I would one of my girlfriends. Tough love, sister!

 

[rainbowtrout]

People generally work for a number of years before getting their MBA, so I see no problem with you going back to work for a few years.

There is never the perfect time or the perfect level of maturity for these things. It is great that he is so careful with money but could be be afraid of what will happen if he marries you?

I''ve been dating my guy since I was 14 and we are ready to get engaged in the next few months. We will have a small wedding because that''s all we will be able to afford in about 2 ys. Are we totally finanically secure? No--but its not going to make a differance to that if we do or don''t get married. He could have to file for bankruptcy *after* you get married no matter when you do it.

Can you get an offical ceremony and then have the big blowout chinese wedding later?

Also, can you consider just not giving a s*** that people will be offended? It''s odd the way you worded it--we "can''t offend anyone". Weddings or other big social events will inevitably offend *someone*...


He sounds a tad obsessive but I''m not seeing "stingy" or "ungenerous" warning flags as you sometimes do with people who are so careful with money.

 

[Mara]

I agree with what eBree says...guys can be very practical but I think alot of that has to do with how understanding or accepting the other party is about their quirks and how far you let them 'go' with it if it makes sense. I think that one partner can keep the other grounded as well.

For example, one of Greg's things about waiting was that he was thinking of changing careers and wasn't sure he wanted to be married and possibly have to 'take a hit' in income when he changed careers and have to support and raise a family.

I was like WOAH okay we don't even know if we want kids and how is it any different if we are dating and you take an income hit vs married? It's not like I won't be in his life if he made that change. In fact wouldn't it be better if there were two incomes in case one took a hit? He was thinking solely about where HE wanted to be or what HE wanted to be doing or financially what he wanted to have reached, which in reality means nothing to a marriage which is about togetherness. It's hard sometimes for people to get beyond the I I I part of singledom and independence and taking care of yourself only and make the leap to 'we are in this together regardless'. I told him what makes you think that you can't realize a dream or do what you want if you are married? Do you think I'm going to get married and suddenly want to get pregnant right away and trap you with children? Please! My famous comment to him was...do you think that we'll get engaged and/or married and suddenly I will grow horns? (I said my horns are already showing, what you see is what you get!)

I realized he had all this concepts of what marriage would be like and what one would have to do to be ready to be married and hardly none of it was from the heart, it was mostly practical. When he started to see that, he was more open to Ohhhh you mean you don't expect me to be at XYZ when we get married.

Anyway not a total same situation, but men do see things differently than women. It just seems like he's not taking into account what YOU want here. That would drive me nuts. His life can't be all about practicality. What if he gets hit by a bus tomorrow? Welp there goes all that planning. People don't realize that there has to be a BALANCE in life, it can't be all about money or all about spending or all about one person or the other. It has to be balanced. A bit here and a bit there.

Seriously girl I would say it's time to have a very serious talk. What is all the money in the world if he doesn't have you. He doesn't have to be ROMANTIC to see that, but there has to be some infusion of something else going on here if he really wants to be married to you. It can't be all about his practical percentages. You sound very understanding to me, TOO UNDERSTANDING. Look out for yourself a bit! You are important too.

 

[MelissaSue]

I was just talking to my fiance about a similar situation. We were with a couple friends of his and I couldn''t remember if they were engaged or married or what.. And when I asked my fiance he said "They''re not engaged yet.. but they will be when they have the money".. and I honestly DO NOT understand this point of view..Now, to be fair it was never really an issue for us, because our parents are paying for the wedding.. and I inherited my e-ring stone (yeah, we''re lucky ducks!).... but I was telling my fiance that if we ddin''t have the money for a wedding, we''d just have a small wedding.. just us and our parents and siblings.. no big reception or anything fancy.. Just maybe a pretty dress is all I''d really want.. These friends of his already own a house and live together.. I guess I don''t see what is not to afford..
I guess in your case you''re talking about the stone.. and if thats important to you.. I guess thats worth waiting for..I guess I just don''t see delaying marriage because you can''t afford a diamond.. Something about it just doesn''t seem right, although that is sort of what our society dictates.

 

[LAJennifer]

If he can afford to send you to graduate school, why can''t he afford a diamond? I would think graduate school would cost way more. Excuse me if I am wrong, but it seems like you are completely financially dependant on him. And it seems like he likes it that way. That way he is the one holding all the cards and you have no say. Perhaps you should move into one of the properties he purchased for you, put graduate school on hold (for now) and start becoming independent and earning your own money. If he truly does want to marry you, a little independence on your part might light a little fire . . .

Of course if I''m way off on this one, then just ignore me.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Date: 2/20/2006 5:45:43 PM
Author: LAJennifer
If he can afford to send you to graduate school, why can''t he afford a diamond? I would think graduate school would cost way more. Excuse me if I am wrong, but it seems like you are completely financially dependant on him. And it seems like he likes it that way. That way he is the one holding all the cards and you have no say. Perhaps you should move into one of the properties he purchased for you, put graduate school on hold (for now) and start becoming independent and earning your own money. If he truly does want to marry you, a little independence on your part might light a little fire . . .


Of course if I''m way off on this one, then just ignore me.

That''s a very good point!

 

[bookworm21]

Date: 2/20/2006 5:45:43 PM
Author: LAJennifer
If he can afford to send you to graduate school, why can''t he afford a diamond? I would think graduate school would cost way more. Excuse me if I am wrong, but it seems like you are completely financially dependant on him. And it seems like he likes it that way. That way he is the one holding all the cards and you have no say. Perhaps you should move into one of the properties he purchased for you, put graduate school on hold (for now) and start becoming independent and earning your own money. If he truly does want to marry you, a little independence on your part might light a little fire . . .

Of course if I''m way off on this one, then just ignore me.

I''m not going to ignore you, LOL. But you''re right about me being financially dependent on him. That''s another reason why I want to go back to work. I worked full time until about a year ago, when I decided to finish my degree. I can''t move into one of those other properties, because they''re literally halfway across the country, and I''m a CA girl at heart.

And I definitely agree with you about what would light that fire, which is another reason why I want to go back to work.

MelissaSue, it''s not only about the cost of the ring, but everything else that''s involved. We''re thinking about creating an LLC and moving all the properties under that LLC. It''s the cost of the wedding. It''s so complicated that I get a headache and depressed just thinking about it.

Well, I''ll talk to him and let him know that I''ll be willing to give him another year, but no more than that. He needs to know that I won''t wait forever.

 

[ladykemma]

Elope! offend everybody! geez

there is never a good time to marry, have a baby, ect. sounds like an excuse.

 

[Tiffany1976]

Cinderella,

I''m sorry to give this to you straight, but ten years is too long for you to wait. You are not being unreasonable. Money is always an excuse, and I think that he is very comfortable not marrying you. He is gettin everything that he could possibley want. Before I moved in with my boyfriend this past August, I told him he had one year of living together to decide if he wanted to marry me, and for me to decide that I wanted to marry him. I told him that was enough time to recognize how special I was. I was really clear on the situation because it took a looooong time for my sister to get engaged to her now husband. 7 years. I didn''t want that to happen, so I talked to him before we moved in. You are being very reasonable. I hope everybody on the boards doesn''t think this is really silly, but I highly reccomend you buy these two books: The rules, and The Rules II. They are excellent, and will get you what you want ( if it''d supposed to happen). He is being nice about some things, but not where it is most important. Tiffany

 

[E B]

Date: 2/20/2006 5:50:58 PM
Author: Cinderella

Date: 2/20/2006 5:45:43 PM

Author: LAJennifer

If he can afford to send you to graduate school, why can''t he afford a diamond? I would think graduate school would cost way more. Excuse me if I am wrong, but it seems like you are completely financially dependant on him. And it seems like he likes it that way. That way he is the one holding all the cards and you have no say. Perhaps you should move into one of the properties he purchased for you, put graduate school on hold (for now) and start becoming independent and earning your own money. If he truly does want to marry you, a little independence on your part might light a little fire . . .


Of course if I''m way off on this one, then just ignore me.

MelissaSue, it''s not only about the cost of the ring, but everything else that''s involved. We''re thinking about creating an LLC and moving all the properties under that LLC. It''s the cost of the wedding. It''s so complicated that I get a headache and depressed just thinking about it.


Well, I''ll talk to him and let him know that I''ll be willing to give him another year, but no more than that. He needs to know that I won''t wait forever.

All of that (the LLC, the cost of the wedding) has nothing to do with an engagement. Yes, you''re engaged to show your intent to marry, but aren''t you guys already intending to marry? He has property in your name. He''s paying for your grad school. Why not a ring? He''s putting this off and using money as an excuse. I don''t mean to sound harsh, but it has to be asked: are you letting him get away with this because he''s supporting you financially? It must be a tough situation to be in.

If it were me, I wouldn''t give him another year. Another 6 months, maybe (or the time it takes for WF to send your ring out), but you seem to be loads more patient than I am. I would have said "what''s up?" 5 years ago. If he couldn''t answer me, I''d have been out the door.

 

[moon river]

Date: 2/20/2006 6:14:02 PM
Author: ladykemma
Elope! offend everybody! geez

there is never a good time to marry, have a baby, ect. sounds like an excuse.

What she said.

 

[anchor31]

It doesn''t matter that you''re in your 20s. He''s 29 for goodness'' sake, and you''ve been together for almost 11 years and living together for 4 years (if I remember correctly)!! You need to put your foot down. The way I see it, he''s perfectly content with how things are and has no intention of changing them. Plus, since you''re financially dependant on him, he probably thinks you can''t walk out on him if he doesn''t respect your wishes. There''s a reason why I told my SO I wasn''t moving with him before I was done with school unless he was sure he could support me (my parents pay my rent right now and I don''t need to work during term) and we were engaged to be married...

As for the wedding, what my SO and I would like is a small garden wedding with 80-100 people, but I''m starting to wonder if that''ll be possible without our parents getting in the middle of it an inviting 300 people because we have huge famlies and apparently "people get offended when you don''t invite them to your child''s wedding" (

). Last weekend, I thought that if it gets out of hand, J and I could just pack our bags and fly to Italy to get married. It''d cost a small informal dress, the trip, the marriage license, and a bouquet of daisies, and we''d be happily married!! It''s the marriage that matters, not the ring, not the wedding. Honestly, I couldn''t care less about what Great-Aunt Ernestine thinks, especially since I haven''t seen her in five years! I think eloping is a wonderful way to get out of this kind of situation.

Talk to your SO and try to find a way out of your situation, because it won''t change if you don''t.

 

[ladykemma]

$80,000 for a wedding is insane, money down the toilet.. I vote for a week or two in hawaii.