I think I''m spending too much time on PS ...

[Dreamgirl]

haha! I haven''t had a PS dream yet but I expect it at anytime. I wonder if Im spending too much time on here myself. But it makes me happy and I don''t always discuss rings. So I use that as my justifying reason to be here. hehe

 

[HeadOverHeels4James]

Date: 6/25/2008 12:34:06 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 6/25/2008 10:26:26 AM

Author: emeraldlover1


I know, can you imagine if someone left their boyfriend based on what happened here. I would feel horrible!!!! We don''t know these people and to comment like we do sometimes is soooo dangerous, IMHO!


Well, I''m at least glad there are a few of us on the same page. Elledizzy....we can turn it around!

I really do hope it takes a more positive turn. I''d like it to turn around!


Besides, if I wanted criticism I''d go call my mom. LOL.

OMG that is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[FrekeChild]

I've never posted any venting about my relationship. I've seen what happens. But also, I'm not looking for validation from strangers. If I have something I want to talk about, I do it with people in real life. I'm not knocking those people who do come here to vent, but I think that there is a certain way to go about it.

I didn't post much the first month that I was on PS, and obviously before that. In that time I read countless threads about LIW, diamonds, etc. I would say that there are certain individuals on here who have come to PS to tell their story, and probably want a different view than they've gotten from their friends and family who have already said their piece. But-people on PS feel perfectly fine telling the truth just as they see it-and often, while I'm looking for the silver lining if I personally feel that there is one, I think that the reality checks are just as valid.

I happen to appreciate most of the brutal honesty that comes from a lot of the posters on here, because you don't get that in real life. Often there isn't someone saying, "You aren't being treated right. You need to break up with him." because people don't like to hear it. So most people that you're close to value your friendship, so they don't risk that by telling them to their face that they are making a mistake.

I've done it myself. I have a friend who married a guy because she got pregnant. They had only been dating for a total of about 6 months (on and off), they hadn't met each other's families, they didn't have anything in common, they were different religions, they had gotten into fights that she wouldn't even talk about the things he had said to her and they valued different things. I couldn't bring myself to say anything-but my heart said "don't marry him". If the same thing had happened on PS, you can bet your patootie I'd be speaking up. Now, a year and a few months after their wedding, they have been in couples counseling for almost that entire time, my friend feels like a single mom, she is alienated from his family and she has voiced a lot of regrets.

You don't get that here-you mostly get honesty, and that is something I happen to value over the rainbows and hearts and ponies. Having said that, I do think that some posters could use a bit more tact and probably need to read over their posts from another person's point of view before they hit submit. So a combination of honesty with a dash of flowers would be nice.

I think that everyone here-all of the LIW-needs to go read Becky P's story from beginning to end if they haven't already.

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 6/25/2008 1:13:17 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I''ve never posted any venting about my relationship. I''ve seen what happens. But also, I''m not looking for validation from strangers. If I have something I want to talk about, I do it with people in real life. I''m not knocking those people who do come here to vent, but I think that there is a certain way to go about it.

I didn''t post much the first month that I was on PS, and obviously before that. In that time I read countless threads about LIW, diamonds, etc. I would say that there are certain individuals on here who have come to PS to tell their story, and probably want a different view than they''ve gotten from their friends and family who have already said their piece. But-people on PS feel perfectly fine telling the truth just as they see it-and often, while I''m looking for the silver lining if I personally feel that there is one, I think that the reality checks are just as valid.

I happen to appreciate most of the brutal honesty that comes from a lot of the posters on here, because you don''t get that in real life. Often there isn''t someone saying, ''You aren''t being treated right. You need to break up with him.'' because people don''t like to hear it. So most people that you''re close to value your friendship, so they don''t risk that by telling them to their face that they are making a mistake.

I''ve done it myself. I have a friend who married a guy because she got pregnant. They had only been dating for a total of about 6 months (on and off), they hadn''t met each other''s families, they didn''t have anything in common, they were different religions, they had gotten into fights that she wouldn''t even talk about the things he had said to her and they valued different things. I couldn''t bring myself to say anything-but my heart said ''don''t marry him''. If the same thing had happened on PS, you can bet your patootie I''d be speaking up. Now, a year and a few months after their wedding, they have been in couples counseling for almost that entire time, my friend feels like a single mom, she is alienated from his family and she has voiced a lot of regrets.

You don''t get that here-you mostly get honesty, and that is something I happen to value over the rainbows and hearts and ponies. Having said that, I do think that some posters could use a bit more tact and probably need to read over their posts from another person''s point of view before they hit submit. So a combination of honesty with a dash of flowers would be nice.

I think that everyone here-all of the LIW-needs to go read Becky P''s story from beginning to end if they haven''t already.

I agree, there is a way to say something honestly and then there is rude and judgemental. I personally put them into different categories. When people start having dreams about PS''ers yelling and throwing computers at them it tells me that maybe it needs to be brought up, thats all. Honest people don''t do things like that. I''m all for honesty and sometimes people need to hear the hard truth but there have been many examples latley where that is just not the case. People should feel free to speak (or write) what is on their mind.

I''m sorry I keep clarifiying I just want new members to feel comfortable here asking for advice.

 

[mimzy]

i just want to throw out there that this really isn't anything all that new i think. i had the same experience with my first post a year ago. i was called all sorts of things and all sorts of conclusions were jumped to that were entirely wrong.it was all done with good intentions, but most of it wasn't really all that helpful (as judgments usually aren't) did it miraculously transform me into some sort of enlightened person? no. did i learn to filter what i post about and that when i do post i need to include ALL pertinent info, including disclaimers?? for sure.

all i do now is respond the way that i would want to be responded to...which i'm sure is exactly what everyone else does. i'm a softie with relatively thin skin; this doesn't mean rainbows and butterflies, but it does mean that i take care to be more gentle when responding. same info, just different delivery (which i think is pretty much the same as most people on the boards). i have enough faith that people will still get the message, regardless of the lack of provocative statements. i agree with freke that some people could benefit from rereading their post from another perspective sometimes.

i don't know why, but i always see the first post as a sort of initiation (right or wrong). the majority of people are going to get mixed responses (of course there are outliers) and hopefully they get enough support either way to keep posting. generally everyone means well.


but as they say on PS....
"do what's right for you"
"to each their own"
and the ever popular
"different strokes for different folks"

 

[Bia]

It is hard sometimes to not be brutally honest because these threads get so passionate--we''re a bunch of strangers (mostly women) who want to help!

But...

I agree with you. I do think that many of us (myself included) need to be careful. Like that saying... "Check yourself before you wreck yourself." It''s better not to assume we know what''s really going on.

I think in most cases, the advice comes from a good place.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Harsh criticism based on a few posts is TERRIBLE in my opinion. Its completely uncalled for. We all say things and have our moments. And its definitely hard sometimes to communicate by words. We hardly know or understand each others' personalities. Im all for being honest too, but to a certain extent. I try to be supportive of others and that is what I expect in return. That's partly why I am here, and why I think so many others join PS. Heck, I remember being told maybe I ought to see a shrink from my first post. Based on the fact that Im close to my Mother and am sort of sad to leave one day lol

I happen to be very close to my family, that doesn't mean I should see a shrink. I am also extremely close to SO.....

That's just how I am.

I guess we just have to keep in mind that we are all different with different personalities. Some of us are more supportive while others will just flat out tell you anything without repercussions.

 

[Bia]

Date: 6/25/2008 2:38:58 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
Heck, I remember being told maybe I ought to see a shrink from my first post. Based on the fact that Im close to my Mother and am sort of sad to leave one day lol

I happen to be very close to my family, that doesn''t mean I should see a shrink.

Really? LOL, how funny. Hell, I''ve been lashed out at a few times meself...its all good. No harm, no foul. I don''t pretend to know everything about an OP based on a few threads/posts, just as no one can really know my relationship the way I do. But if you ask for advice, you''re making yourself open to it...THIS I HAVE LEARNED!

As long we continue to be supportive of one another, this is a great community...

 

[Dreamgirl]

Yep. That wasn't helpful! lol. I know some people are not all that close to their families and can't wait to get out of the house. Me on the other hand, love my family and think it will be sad to leave. So its hard in a sense for me and quite bittersweet. Obviously I would be happy and elated to live with FF, but you know.....

Oh, and at that time Im not sure I was so much asking for advice but more just letting people know a little bit about me. Its fine though, but I still think it will be hard for me to leave one day lol I guess for me, I just have so much love for the people in my lives...

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 6/25/2008 8:41:18 AM
Author:elledizzy5
I actually had a dream last night that I was on PS, and I ''threadjacked'' and the OP basically bitched me out in her thread, and everyone else followed suit.

I actually cried in my dream b/c the PSers were yelling at me. LOL.

Maybe I need a break?

I also had a PS-related dream last night. I dreamt SO proposed! Which was great, except... it was an ugly ring. It was like... this blue flower (and not a nice flower). AND he proposed in front of my best friend & some other people -- which, as he knows, is the opposite of what I''d want. It was really odd. I was like, happy he asked but upset because the ring/proposal made it seem like he didn''t know me at all.

But I think that''s just the result of some pre-move jitters!

 

[Dreamgirl]

lol Ive had several proposal/wedding dreams myself where stuff always goes wrong. I think it has to do with your fears being brought forward or something

 

[Lauren8211]

OMG I always have proposal dreams gone wrong! The ring is ugly, it doesn''t fit, it falls off and I lose it, it breaks, etc..etc.

It''s so weird. I was having them on nearly a weekly basis. It was crazy! I''d wake up the next morning and be pissed at SO b/c of the ugly ring he bought me in the dream. lol.

 

[Dreamgirl]

lol hilarious!

 

[galeteia]

The phenomenon of people jumping to conclusions based on limited info is pretty rampant throughout the internet. A difference here, I believe, is that people are not caught up in trying to feel superior to the poster.

Example: instead of replying with "You poor delusional chick. Wake up and smell the reality check, idiot" they get "Have you considered that maybe X is a factor, and have you two talked about Y? It's important that Z is very clear in a relationship, and it sounds like you two are not on the same page. A serious sit-down discussion is needed, I think. Good luck! *virtual hugs and other assorted well wishes*"

The trouble is that there is no way to get all the context across in an OP, and now that we can't modify previous posts, all kinds of merde goes down in a thread because of misunderstanding.

I also agree that there are a few posters out there who go over the line. Sometimes I'm tempted to post in a thread I wouldn't otherwise post in just to admonish a poster for being totally out of line in terms of the harsness of their post. Blunt, but well-meaning honesty, like the kind that TravelingGal and Decodelighted tend to is always a breath of fresh air, but I wonder if some people think they that they are 'giving it to them straight up' and are unaware that they seem more like a hyena going for a weak spot.

I've said some dumb things on here, especially when I was new and unused to the climate of forums, but even when TGal, Deco, and Mara were kicking my ass and hurt my feelings, they were never vicious about it.

Nowadays, I try to think carefully about the situation and try to imagine what some of the context missing from the OP might be, and respond with a few different ideas based on what the missing context could be. I also try to express sympathy as I genuinely feel sorry that someone is in pain, even as I point out they're lying in a bed they've made for themselves. I don't take pleasure in trying to humiliate someone, even if it's on the Anonymous Internet.

There's my two cents.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 6/25/2008 3:25:49 PM
Author: Galateia
I also agree that there are a few posters out there who go over the line. Sometimes I''m tempted to post in a thread I wouldn''t otherwise post in just to admonish a poster for being totally out of line in terms of the harsness of their post. Blunt, but well-meaning honesty, like the kind that TravelingGal and Decodelighted tend to is always a breath of fresh air, but I wonder if some people think they that they are ''giving it to them straight up'' and are unaware that they seem more like a hyena going for a weak spot.

I''ve said some dumb things on here, especially when I was new and unused to the climate of forums, but even when TGal, Deco, and Mara were kicking my ass and hurt my feelings, they were never vicious about it.

Totally agree Gala. I''ve been having to resist jumping into threads and giving someone a good tongue lashing for being rude and saying things that are completely out of line. Honesty, when put in a nice well-meaning way, is always the best policy. In my book anyway.

And as for the part in bold-I totally agree. I think sometimes people just don''t think about what they''re saying and how an OP might take it, for instance telling a woman who is an emotional wreck-for whatever reason- probably does not need to hear and will probably not respond well to things like, "Get over it."

I always try and be diplomatic on here, because there are always things that we don''t know. It''s like how you only cry to your friends when something is bad in your relationship, so the friend thinks your relationship sucks-but it''s because they only ever hear the bad stuff. There are always other sides to it.

However, in real life, I am very honest and blunt with friends and anyone who asks my advice, which I''m always apologetic about. I would never try and stomp on anyone''s feelings, because I wouldn''t want it done to me.

 

[trillionaire]

I have been hanging out on PS for the past few months, and there are definitely some harsh posters around. I am sometimes appalled at how quick people are to suggest that someone dissolve their relationships! For me personally, I sometimes need a sounding board that can be more objective than friends or family, so I turn to PS. That being said, it is often when I am really upset, or being really dramatic about something, which is not always the best time to hear CRAZY advice, since I am might actually be CRAZY enough to take it, lol!

Also, I don't think that there is as much recognition of DIFFERENCE on here as folks would like to claim. Most of the folks on here are WOMEN, many folks are planning traditional weddings with traditional engagements and rings. There is such a range of personalities, wants and interests on here, but I feel like people superimpose their ideas on other people quite often. So far, the advice that has been given to me personally has been great, though more than a few people told me to cut my losses and walk away from my relationship!

(instead, I kept SO around, and we are talking more about the future than ever, and he is even talking to co-workers about e-rings and how much should be spent!

(I suggested a "modest" amount (5-6K range), his co-workers suggested 10-20K!!!)

Every situation is not black and white...

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 6/25/2008 4:02:37 PM
Author: trillionaire
I have been hanging out on PS for the past few months, and there are definitely some harsh posters around. I am sometimes appalled at how quick people are to suggest that someone dissolve their relationships! For me personally, I sometimes need a sounding board that can be more objective than friends or family, so I turn to PS. That being said, it is often when I am really upset, or being really dramatic about something, which is not always the best time to hear CRAZY advice, since I am might actually be CRAZY enough to take it, lol!

Also, I don''t think that there is as much recognition of DIFFERENCE on here as folks would like to claim. Most of the folks on here are WOMEN, many folks are planning traditional weddings with traditional engagements and rings. There is such a range of personalities, wants and interests on here, but I feel like people superimpose their ideas on other people quite often. So far, the advice that has been given to me personally has been great, though more than a few people told me to cut my losses and walk away from my relationship!

(instead, I kept SO around, and we are talking more about the future than ever, and he is even talking to co-workers about e-rings and how much should be spent!

(I suggested a ''modest'' amount (5-6K range), his co-workers suggested 10-20K!!!)

Every situation is not black and white...

Exactly. It wasn''t like that when I joined. Maybe my perception has just changed in the past year or so. I''m sure not all of my posts are taken the way that I tended them to be but there are some extream cases. There is a post going around now where people are insisting that what the OP is doing in her relationship is wrong and he doesn''t want to be with her. What if she''s explaining her situation and its coming across not as she intended? What if the way she''s explaining it is not the way he said it? I don''t know maybe I''m just being sensitive because I haven''t had a great week and I am trying to solve issues for people that didn''t ask for it. I just wish some people were nicer sometimes. Thats all.

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 6/25/2008 2:58:37 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
Yep. That wasn''t helpful! lol. I know some people are not all that close to their families and can''t wait to get out of the house. Me on the other hand, love my family and think it will be sad to leave. So its hard in a sense for me and quite bittersweet. Obviously I would be happy and elated to live with FF, but you know.....

Oh, and at that time Im not sure I was so much asking for advice but more just letting people know a little bit about me. Its fine though, but I still think it will be hard for me to leave one day lol I guess for me, I just have so much love for the people in my lives...

Dreamgirl... I think what you have is great. I''m really close with my mom but I left home when I was 18. I wish that I would get to see her more.

 

[Bia]

Date: 6/25/2008 3:53:40 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 6/25/2008 3:25:49 PM

Author: Galateia

I also agree that there are a few posters out there who go over the line. Sometimes I'm tempted to post in a thread I wouldn't otherwise post in just to admonish a poster for being totally out of line in terms of the harsness of their post. Blunt, but well-meaning honesty, like the kind that TravelingGal and Decodelighted tend to is always a breath of fresh air, but I wonder if some people think they that they are 'giving it to them straight up' and are unaware that they seem more like a hyena going for a weak spot.

I've said some dumb things on here, especially when I was new and unused to the climate of forums, but even when TGal, Deco, and Mara were kicking my ass and hurt my feelings, they were never vicious about it.

Totally agree Gala. I've been having to resist jumping into threads and giving someone a good tongue lashing for being rude and saying things that are completely out of line. Honesty, when put in a nice well-meaning way, is always the best policy. In my book anyway.

And as for the part in bold-I totally agree. I think sometimes people just don't think about what they're saying and how an OP might take it, for instance telling a woman who is an emotional wreck-for whatever reason- probably does not need to hear and will probably not respond well to things like, 'Get over it.'

I always try and be diplomatic on here, because there are always things that we don't know. It's like how you only cry to your friends when something is bad in your relationship, so the friend thinks your relationship sucks-but it's because they only ever hear the bad stuff. There are always other sides to it.

However, in real life, I am very honest and blunt with friends and anyone who asks my advice, which I'm always apologetic about. I would never try and stomp on anyone's feelings, because I wouldn't want it done to me.

Yuppers. I made the mistake of saying something once in an attempt to not send a certain OP running for the hills (she needed kind words, not to be chastised)...and boy did I ever get a stern "talking-to." But, honestly, that happens when you have a bunch of different people, from different walks of life, congregating in one place.

For the most part though, I think most people here do have the best of intentions, whether it be giving opinions or advice.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 6/25/2008 5:19:02 PM
Author: emeraldlover1

Date: 6/25/2008 2:58:37 PM

Author: Dreamgirl

Yep. That wasn''t helpful! lol. I know some people are not all that close to their families and can''t wait to get out of the house. Me on the other hand, love my family and think it will be sad to leave. So its hard in a sense for me and quite bittersweet. Obviously I would be happy and elated to live with FF, but you know.....


Oh, and at that time Im not sure I was so much asking for advice but more just letting people know a little bit about me. Its fine though, but I still think it will be hard for me to leave one day lol I guess for me, I just have so much love for the people in my lives...

Dreamgirl... I think what you have is great. I''m really close with my mom but I left home when I was 18. I wish that I would get to see her more.

Thanks emerald!

 

[honey22]

I believe some of time it comes down to the fact that we are typing and not talking - you can''t always put emotion or the correct tone into written messages and it somehow gets altered or mistrued when read by another. When someone points out that posters have been harsh, I always feel a slight panic and rush back to re-read my posts and make sure I wasn''t hurting anyone''s feelings. I quite often think so much in my head too fast that I need to condensate what I type and I worry that I leave things out that can be really important! I would be devastated if I hurt someone''s feelings here, as I really feel like this place is a safe haven of women that understand where I am coming from. Not everyone has a great time on the LIW list, so it''s nice to come here and vent and get support sometimes. And, if asked for, advice that might be a little hard to hear. But, I don''t think we should be just dishing out advice without being asked.

I do appreciate the honestly here, but I do agree that sometimes we just need to vent and need a little cry so to speak. It annoys me when posters specifically say this is just a vent, and then people come out of nowhere and tell them to leave their SO''s, get therapy etc. I would only give advice then if I think it has been asked for.

I occasionaly suggest some couple counselling, but ONLY because I am proud to stand up and say that we have been there, done that, and it was honestly one of the most beneficial, eye-opening, rewarding experiences in our whole relationship. It wasn''t easy, at times I sat there bawling like a baby and felt like my world was crashing down and it was very hard to share your innermost feelings with a stranger, but in the end we look back now and both agree that it has improved us a individuals and a couple so much. We weren''t at the point of separating or anything, didn''t even consider it, but my partner felt like he didn''t want to get married with these few minor issues hanging over us. They hadn''t resolved themselves in all these years, and we wanted to fix them before starting our married life together. I am so glad we did this, it could have been so easy to just get married and sweep them under the carpet, but I am thankful everyday I am with him that we were strong enough to do the hard work and really build on our relationship. I really know the rewards first hand and I hope for others that are having issues, be it small or huge ones, that they can get some advice, or just have someone to talk about it, those issues that seemed big before can really become invisible.