I think my engagement is off :'(

[princesss]

Ok Princessss I m sorry I interpreted what you wrote wrong---


I still dont see how it would make a diff. if he read it or not though or how that is relevant -- i dont know who she is or her friends etc... so i dont think it should be a big deal even if he did read it

It's a big deal if he doesn't want his dirty laundry on the internet. Not everyone likes their personal lives - hidden behind a screenname or not - posted about. It's pretty obvious that the one poster saying mean things registered just to comment on this thread.

OP, time to take a step back and think about what you need to do WITHOUT the input of others. It's truly your decision but you and your BF need to sit down and discuss it like adults.

I think MP nailed it - if the OP's BF is still upset about this and found this thread, I could see it fanning the flames and making him angrier (especially lines like "Maybe I dodged a bullet"). If the OP does want to save this relationship, if she does think there's a chance that poster is him, she knows now and can do damage control. I know personally, I'd be wounded if my BF really insulted me and then publicly went around to his friends to get their support for how unreasonable I was being because I was hurt by what he said. I mentioned it from a caring place, wanting the OP and her BF to have the best chance of coming back from this.

 

[liarudd]

Again Princesss - i m sorry for snapping @ you

Even if that poster is HIM tho-- I do not think it is a valid reason to end a relationship....... it may be aired on here but if he was that concerned she could delete everything and leave the forum... seems like an easy exit to me...

For him to be so angry over a mistake seems like there is more than we know going on.....

Regardless I ve said enough, and am staying out of it - not my business... if i have something to say i will say it to MRSdrP

 

[princesss]

Hey, no worries. I think we all care about each other here and just want the best for each other. We've just all got different perspectives, but I think that's the great thing about PS - sometimes people bring things up that you never would have expected, but it gets you thinking, you know?

 

[liarudd]

I agree....

 

[tyty333]

Here is my take on it...

This proposal/wedding all seems like it is taking place pretty quick. Sounds like all was good until you said what ever you
said (it must have been a doozy). The possibilities are that he may be doubting how well he knows you if you would say
something like you said, or he may still be reeling from the sting of what you said and wants to be in a "better" place
before all the proposal/wedding hoopla gets started. I could easily see a person feeling this way and they seem like
valid reasons to postphone an engagment/proposal to me. Apologizing doesnt make it "all better". Its a start but he
may need time to feel better about the relationship.

On the other hand, he may be looking for a way out or a way to slow things down. I think you need to talk with him
(not like you have been talking to us though) and find out exactly why he wants to postphone. My feelings are if
I really loved someone and I did something stupid then I would be willing to wait until they felt good about the
relationship again. It is your choice to walk away if you feel like what you did was minor and he is jerking your
chain or stick around and help him get over whatever you did/said that hurt him so bad.

I wish you good luck.

 

[maplefemme]

I'm sorry you're going through this, you must be so upset and feeling thrown off course completely...

I'll tell you something from personal experience, both my SO and I are in the medical field and something that is not well looked upon is a drunken spouse who embarrasses an MD in front of colleagues with reckless and/or demeaning behavior, which you have shown you have the potential to do.
Peers and colleagues will make a judgement about your SO based on your behavior towards him and it can have definite ramifications.
There's a good chance that he's very aware of this...an apology is just the beginning of gaining his trust.
Sure relationships aren't perfect, there are times you have to weather a storm and arguments happen, but when they happen in public it's something else.

He said he needed to push things back, he didn't say your relationship is over, if your behavior was a deal breaker he would have. He wanted time to deal with his hurt feelings and feel secure with you again, that takes time, apologies alone are not enough.
If he didn't care he'd have left you, but your reaction was to consider dumping him, you don't feel in control of the situation so your reaction is to overreact in order to have control again.

I wish you well...

 

[MrsDrP]

Whoever posted the nasty comment, I really don't think that's him. From reading it, it isn't really his style of writing or choice of vocabulary. I know this man like the back of my hand.

And as far as me posting what some may consider "personal" information in here, this is my venting place. And let's be real....no one on here knows either of our names, where we live, or anything incriminating about us. So how personal is it really? I consider myself a private person in the sense that I don't go run to my mother, sister, or bestfriends everytime my SO and I have an issue. Why? Because I'd never want them to misinterpret anything I said about him the wrong way, and I'd never want them to see the man I'm planning on spending my entire life with in a negative light. I understand that there are two sides to every story, and if I were to blab to them about everything, they would only get my side and it isn't fair to him. Thus, we tend to keep matters like this to ourselves. However, I vent my feelings of frustration on here because I honestly don't care what any of you think about my SO because none of to are personally involved in our life. And I say that in a nice way, I swear. I love the advice I get from some of you on here. I could go without some of the negativity, but everyone is entitled to their opinion and I try to stay open minded. That's the beauty of this forum...being anonymous gives us the opportunity to vent about things that we can't do elsewhere. For me, no one else knows about my pending engagement. No one knows about the ring or anything, except for my mom. We decided to make it a surprise to everyone else.

And for the status of my relationship, I think it's safe to say it's over. I am picking up the pieces and moving on because I don't think he is going to change his mind. He's a stubborn and proud man, and he's letting it get the best of him this time. I've canceled the reception location that I put a deposit on (because it was a great price and high in demand for summer weddings, so I reserved our date just in case! Maybe that was my bad?) the last was nice enough to give me my deposit back because she knew she could book that date in no time.

Whew! This is all still a shock to me, but I'm beginning to accept it and I'll be alright.

Thanks for all of your kind words and advice!

I will get married one day, idk when, it probably won't be for a long while, but when it happens I'll be back!

 

[wakingdreams53]

Wow, MrsDrP, this is a step that a weak woman could not make, so you are clearly a strong woman!
You will certainly find the right man who is worthy of you and who won't throw everything away with you out of fear.

You never fully know a person and you're very right to take marriage seriously.

Even if it turns out that he realizes that he's made the biggest mistake in his life and you go on to get married and enjoy a fruitful life together, knowing that you had the courage to start anew will always be a key point for you.

From the bottom of my heart, I genuinely respect and congratulate you.

I know that PS comments can be unnecessarily inconsiderate and negative, but as you mentioned, they are all entitled to their opinions and you simply came here to vent.

Stay on the right path!

 

[MisakiChan]

Wow, you really are a tough lady. I am amazed by your strength...and I know that you will be happy again because as they say, fortune favors the bold.
All the best!

 

[princesss]

From one girl who has left a relationship that she thought was IT to another - hang in there. It'll get better, and you'll be much stronger for doing this.

*hugs*

 

[tuffyluvr]

I'm sorry you're going through this, you must be so upset and feeling thrown off course completely...

I'll tell you something from personal experience, both my SO and I are in the medical field and something that is not well looked upon is a drunken spouse who embarrasses an MD in front of colleagues with reckless and/or demeaning behavior, which you have shown you have the potential to do.
Peers and colleagues will make a judgement about your SO based on your behavior towards him and it can have definite ramifications.
There's a good chance that he's very aware of this...an apology is just the beginning of gaining his trust.
Sure relationships aren't perfect, there are times you have to weather a storm and arguments happen, but when they happen in public it's something else.

He said he needed to push things back, he didn't say your relationship is over, if your behavior was a deal breaker he would have. He wanted time to deal with his hurt feelings and feel secure with you again, that takes time, apologies alone are not enough.
If he didn't care he'd have left you, but your reaction was to consider dumping him, you don't feel in control of the situation so your reaction is to overreact in order to have control again.

I wish you well...

I could not agree more. Let's face it--the medical field is extremely competitive, and for you to embarrass him publicly in front of colleagues is more than just personally hurtful--it can be professionally damaging, as well--as maplefemme pointed out. I know a woman who cheated on her husband with another Dr from his practice and he basically had to move to another state to live down the humilation. He is a very smart and competant oncologist, but people were contantly gossiping about his slutty ex-wife. Not that you took it to that level, but just to put it in perspective...

In my own experience, I deeply hurt my SO when things weren't going the way I wanted them to in our relationship. I was truly regretful of what I did, but he took back the ring he had purchased for a full refund. It took years for him to forgive me for what I did. I was ready to get married then, but I have waited about 2 years for him to be ready to get back to that place.

I guess you have to ask yourself: is it more important for you to get married in June, or is it more important for you to be with this man for the rest of your life. If your answer is the latter, you need to give him the time he needs to heal, and during that time let him know how much you care about him and make him feel secure in your relationship again. I'm not saying that you should "grovel and demean yourself" or "earn back your ring" as some have mentioned, but I don't think it's crazy for him to need a bit of time to get over what you did.

Personally, I think you are being a bit harsh with your "propose now, or lose me forever" mentality. Yes, if you would have done this when you were already married, he would just have to get over it. But do you really want him to propose to you in a few weeks when he is still feeling bitter and hurt over this incident? In my opinion I would just chill out and give him a little time to get over it. Who knows, it may be sooner than you think? And if you have to wait 6 months for your ring, and you don't get your June wedding, oh well. Life doesn't always happen the way you want it to.


Don't be rash and make a decision you will regret for the rest of your life. Make sure you think your choice through and don't make it based upon emotion. I know you are hurt and angry right now, but some things in life are more important than getting your way and being in control.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Whoever posted the nasty comment, I really don't think that's him. From reading it, it isn't really his style of writing or choice of vocabulary. I know this man like the back of my hand.

And as far as me posting what some may consider "personal" information in here, this is my venting place. And let's be real....no one on here knows either of our names, where we live, or anything incriminating about us. So how personal is it really? I consider myself a private person in the sense that I don't go run to my mother, sister, or bestfriends everytime my SO and I have an issue. Why? Because I'd never want them to misinterpret anything I said about him the wrong way, and I'd never want them to see the man I'm planning on spending my entire life with in a negative light. I understand that there are two sides to every story, and if I were to blab to them about everything, they would only get my side and it isn't fair to him. Thus, we tend to keep matters like this to ourselves. However, I vent my feelings of frustration on here because I honestly don't care what any of you think about my SO because none of to are personally involved in our life. And I say that in a nice way, I swear. I love the advice I get from some of you on here. I could go without some of the negativity, but everyone is entitled to their opinion and I try to stay open minded. That's the beauty of this forum...being anonymous gives us the opportunity to vent about things that we can't do elsewhere. For me, no one else knows about my pending engagement. No one knows about the ring or anything, except for my mom. We decided to make it a surprise to everyone else.

And for the status of my relationship, I think it's safe to say it's over. I am picking up the pieces and moving on because I don't think he is going to change his mind. He's a stubborn and proud man, and he's letting it get the best of him this time. I've canceled the reception location that I put a deposit on (because it was a great price and high in demand for summer weddings, so I reserved our date just in case! Maybe that was my bad?) the last was nice enough to give me my deposit back because she knew she could book that date in no time.

Whew! This is all still a shock to me, but I'm beginning to accept it and I'll be alright.

Thanks for all of your kind words and advice!

I will get married one day, idk when, it probably won't be for a long while, but when it happens I'll be back!

I'm not trying to be argumentative or rude, but you did post a photograph of yourself and your guy on this site... you never know who is poking around online...

 

[MissStepcut]

I'm not trying to be argumentative or rude, but you did post a photograph of yourself and your guy on this site... you never know who is poking around online...

I found out I know a PSer IRL due to a post like that. It absolutely happens. And it's not like I was snooping or looking for it.

 

[madelise]

I think you're still in the "heat" of this issue and being a tad dramatic. Yes, he's mad. And apparently, whatever you did/said is horrible enough to both be too much for you to elaborate for us, and for him to cancel an engagement. What I'm not understanding here is why you're saying YOU dodged a bullet, or how YOU'RE putting your foot down and ending this relationship. I'm not trying to be mean, please don't read it as so. But did you guys have problems BEFORE this? How long have you two even been together? It's so ridiculous to end a relationship with a man because he's mad at you. It is, after all, your fault

I bring this up to SO often. When you're apologizing, you don't place blame. It's never "IM sorry, BUT YOU...". That's not a true apology. So yes, he's mad. Yes, he wants to postpone engagement. So what? If you're in the wrong, apologise, and yes, walk on eggshells until he forgives you. He doesn't HAVE to forgive you right away, which it seems is what you're expecting.. Give it time, nurture your relationship, and rebuild the trust that's been broken..

And again, I hate having to elaborate this, but I'm not trying to be mean or anything. Sometimes I also need a good snap to realise I'm being dramatic from being in the moment. Weeks pass, and you realise how ridiculous it all was.

 

[tammy77]

I think that if I had just spent 10K on a gift for my SO and they publicly humiliated me, I'd struggle for a while with the decision to give it to them, nevermind the idea of the gift also being part of a pledge to stay with them forever.

Yes, it's awful that he's said he wants to push things back, but it's more awful to be stubborn and throw away your relationship. It makes you look like you care about the ring and the timeline you have in your head far more than you care about repairing the damage you did to the trust and security of your relationship. One of the things I've finally learned is that you really do have to give thing some time to right themselves if you've REALLY screwed up. I can't fathom someone dropping 10K on a ring then getting gunshy unless it was truly an awful experience. I also can't fathom walking away from my now DH when we were struggling prior to becoming engaged and married.

Since that was a long winded meandering post, here's my short version: He spends 10K on your ring, you embarrass the crap out of him, he says he wants to slow things down because he's uneasy now, you say NO I'm done! To me, if you love the man as much as you've said you do, why wouldn't you be willing to give him even a week to cool off before calling it quits, or consider compromising with him on your timeline?

I realize I'm a minority in this thread and I hope this doesn't offend you but rather help you to see it from his perspective a bit. Good luck, whatever happens.

ETA: Have you truly stopped and put yourself in his shoes? How eager would you be to hitch yourself to him permanently if a few days ago he did to you whatever you did to him (which has conveniently been left in the dark on this thread)?

ETA 2: Unless you're just trying to convince yourself that you're really okay, I also find it pretty alarming that you're so upbeat and "I'll be back!". I just don't get it.

 

[mr_purple]

I lurk but don't post but this post truly got to me. Some of the responses you've gotten make me laugh and cringe and shake my head all at the same time. I think madelise provided some sound advice.

From a Guy's Perspective:

Embarrassing a man is a big no no. This may sound like an egotistical, testosterone induced, over the top, silly rule, but I assure you, men don't take kindly to being embarrassed, least of all by their significant other. Now, when you do it in front of his friends, it becomes an even worse scenerio. Why you ask?

1) A male is always looking to show off his dominance in some way or another when around other males. It's instinctual. It's how men are wired.

2) When that is compromised by his significant other, it becomes a case of how you undermined him

3) A male is always looking to show off his significant other, by way of her looks, attitude, etc to his friends. YOU are his prize and if he loves you, he is proud of you. To embarrass him in front of his friends not only reflects negatively on him, but on his decision of choosing you to his friends.

----

Listen to sound advice. Don't be so quick to throw away a relationship. Women love to think they are entitled to being treated a certain way, more so than men in my opinion. We live in an age of entitlement where we all feel we deserve to be treated like royalty. Unfortunetly, I truly feel that a little humbleness goes a long way in a relationship. If you were wrong, weather the storm. Be the woman he needs you to be. Pulling the eject seat now speaks volumes about your character, and reaffirms any doubts he probably already has since the incident.

I am not a sexist or a womanizer. I have been with my gf for a VERY long time and I am a big advocate of treating women with respect and equality, but the buck passes both ways.

Just my .02. I apologize if it came off harsh in any way as I know this must be devastating for you, but if you love this man as much as you say you do, then not even hell freezing over will get you to leave his side.

 

[mogster]

From your other posts, you two have been together for eight months and he's been married before. I can imagine being in his position and wanting to be certain about the relationship before marrying again and feeling like he can trust the person he's going to marry. It's hard for me to believe that you could break up so easily if you had a relationship strong enough for marriage. I say give it some time, let him decompress, build up your trust in each other, and marry when it's right, not to meet a schedule that you've set. I don't know the extent of your fight, but leaving him seems rash and doesn't necessarily make you better off if he is indeed your soul mate as you had previously conveyed.

 

[liarudd]

i understand people have a lot of opinions that are different... but lets be real - without knowing what exactly happened everyone is making hypothetical situations and ASSUMING a lot of things....

I dont think it shows MrsDrP doesnt care because she is so ready to say im done-- sometimes people say things when they are upset that they dont really mean, and if she didnt care she wouldnt have made a post

okay i get it guys dont like to be made to look like fools in front of their friends - thats not new news, regardless of the profession or career path they have chosen fine....

there are so many things that we do not know that we cannot give proper advise-- only she knows what to truley do or not do...
we dont know if this has happened in the past...

or if she just had a bit to much to drink - and in the heat of the moment thought something would be funny but didnt come accross that way-- it may or may not have been intentional...

i just find it funny how everyone seems to know the right answer when they dont have any of the facts to back up anything they are saying

AGAIN just my opinion so really what does it matter right
ps. why does everyone think dating 8 months and getting married is such a big deal - i knew when i was with my bf for the first 3 months he was the one.... again NOT relevant

 

[maplefemme]

I lurk but don't post but this post truly got to me. Some of the responses you've gotten make me laugh and cringe and shake my head all at the same time. I think madelise provided some sound advice.

From a Guy's Perspective:

Embarrassing a man is a big no no. This may sound like an egotistical, testosterone induced, over the top, silly rule, but I assure you, men don't take kindly to being embarrassed, least of all by their significant other. Now, when you do it in front of his friends, it becomes an even worse scenerio. Why you ask?

1) A male is always looking to show off his dominance in some way or another when around other males. It's instinctual. It's how men are wired.

2) When that is compromised by his significant other, it becomes a case of how you undermined him

3) A male is always looking to show off his significant other, by way of her looks, attitude, etc to his friends. YOU are his prize and if he loves you, he is proud of you. To embarrass him in front of his friends not only reflects negatively on him, but on his decision of choosing you to his friends.

----

Listen to sound advice. Don't be so quick to throw away a relationship. Women love to think they are entitled to being treated a certain way, more so than men in my opinion. We live in an age of entitlement where we all feel we deserve to be treated like royalty. Unfortunetly, I truly feel that a little humbleness goes a long way in a relationship. If you were wrong, weather the storm. Be the woman he needs you to be. Pulling the eject seat now speaks volumes about your character, and reaffirms any doubts he probably already has since the incident.

I am not a sexist or a womanizer. I have been with my gf for a VERY long time and I am a big advocate of treating women with respect and equality, but the buck passes both ways.

Just my .02. I apologize if it came off harsh in any way as I know this must be devastating for you, but if you love this man as much as you say you do, then not even hell freezing over will get you to leave his side.

Great advice and insight from a guy's perspective. Very sound advice from tammy and tuffy too, hopefully some of this is helpful to you...

 

[mogster]

i understand people have a lot of opinions that are different... but lets be real - without knowing what exactly happened everyone is making hypothetical situations and ASSUMING a lot of things....

I dont think it shows MrsDrP doesnt care because she is so ready to say im done-- sometimes people say things when they are upset that they dont really mean, and if she didnt care she wouldnt have made a post

okay i get it guys dont like to be made to look like fools in front of their friends - thats not new news, regardless of the profession or career path they have chosen fine....

there are so many things that we do not know that we cannot give proper advise-- only she knows what to truley do or not do...
we dont know if this has happened in the past...

or if she just had a bit to much to drink - and in the heat of the moment thought something would be funny but didnt come accross that way-- it may or may not have been intentional...

i just find it funny how everyone seems to know the right answer when they dont have any of the facts to back up anything they are saying

AGAIN just my opinion so really what does it matter right
ps. why does everyone think dating 8 months and getting married is such a big deal - i knew when i was with my bf for the first 3 months he was the one.... again NOT relevant

I'm not sure why you're taking such offense to opinions that differ from yours. This is a public forum and people are free to opine and speculate based on the information that was provided. No one is claiming to have the right answers. Again, we're all here to opine and offer advice based on the information that was given (as with any other thread on any other forum). Furthermore, I never said that "dating 8 months and getting married is such a big deal," just that because of that circumstance, I can imagine feeling like I didn't know someone at all after they embarrass me in front of my friends.

 

[Asu]

The way I see it,the OP isn't thinking about ending the relationship because this man isn't doing what she want,but because this man doesn't have any trust in her,because he's trying to control things that he can't possibly control and he's freaking out because he can't,and because he's using the future they should have built together as a weapon to get her to act like he want.She was wrong in embarassing him,she knows it and she apologized.Should she expect for him to forgive her immediatly?Sure not,but getting their future together on hold as a "punishment" for her mistake is childish and controlling.So he's been married before,and he probably has some trust issues.Ok,but that's not her fault,she shouldn't get the rough end of it,as those are not her issues to work on.Actually,since he's been married,he should know better than trying to be controlling over the fact that they will never fight and embarass each other again.This time it was her fault,next it might be his.Things happen in life,and he has to deal with it.He's acting like she knowingly and deliberately put his life in danger.Honestly,it just sound like he need to get a bit over himself.She did something very wrong and should have apologized(like she did) and gave him a little of time to cool (wich I'm sure she would have hadn't he overreacted),and he should have told her that he was mad at her and needed a bit of time to cool off and get over it,not throwing their plans away over his hurt ego.What would have he done if the wedding was just a month away?A week away?Postponed everything?
I edit to add that the way I read the first post,she overreacted about something and they fought in front of his friends,and that's why he's embarassed,but maybe I read it wrong.Maybe the op can clarify that?

 

[maplefemme]

i understand people have a lot of opinions that are different... but lets be real - without knowing what exactly happened everyone is making hypothetical situations and ASSUMING a lot of things....

I dont think it shows MrsDrP doesnt care because she is so ready to say im done-- sometimes people say things when they are upset that they dont really mean, and if she didnt care she wouldnt have made a post

okay i get it guys dont like to be made to look like fools in front of their friends - thats not new news, regardless of the profession or career path they have chosen fine....

there are so many things that we do not know that we cannot give proper advise-- only she knows what to truley do or not do...
we dont know if this has happened in the past...

or if she just had a bit to much to drink - and in the heat of the moment thought something would be funny but didnt come accross that way-- it may or may not have been intentional...

i just find it funny how everyone seems to know the right answer when they dont have any of the facts to back up anything they are saying

AGAIN just my opinion so really what does it matter right
ps. why does everyone think dating 8 months and getting married is such a big deal - i knew when i was with my bf for the first 3 months he was the one.... again NOT relevant

Given the limited information we have, but with the intention of good will and a desire to help the OP, we don't need to back up what we are saying with anything more than a desire to help by sharing our thoughts and perspectives, no more, no less.
The OP will either resonate with certain advice and thoughts or dismiss them as irrelevant to her and her situation.
At the end of the day, our intention is not assume and judge, but to help in a constructive way...

 

[pregcurious]

While we do have very little information, I feel like what I hear in your posts is that he is pulling all the strings. That's not a good way to start a marriage, and I know that a lot of men act like this--stringing along their GFs and saying they have to do X, Y and Z to get a ring. It's basically emotional blackmail. It's a look into how someone deals with conflict and manages problems that crop up in a relationship.

While you did do something inappropriate, you admitted to it, and if it's the first time ever in your relationship, you can work on changing it. Instead of forgiving you, your BF is responding by "punishing" you and dangling something that you both agree on away from you.

I would recommend not to escalate things by pushing the issue, but just let him go a little. _He's_ the one whose pushing away--let hi have that. Go find other things in your life that fulfill you, and and make a soft landing for yourself by getting support from friends. If in a months time or more you are not back on the track you want to be, you can call it off for good and be done with it. It's his responsibility to make the relationship work too, and if he's the type of person who can't forgive after 1 transgression, you don't want to be with him. You will be groveling your whole marriage. If there was a pattern of the same problem in your relationship, it would be different.

 

[blueroses]

I think you're doing the right thing, and I KNOW you're going to be ok. Keep listening to your gut and trust that you are stronger than you realize...you're being very wise here. I read a lot of red flags between the lines in the way you described some of his decisions and behavior, and I think you may well have saved yourself a lot of future unhappiness. You deserve a true partner who will trust and value you and your choices as equal to his. (And that means your mistakes and slip-ups too...)

I hope I'm not wrong. I hope he comes around soon because my heart is SO broken I'm not even sure where to begin if I have to start over. I never imagined myself with anyone but him

(FWIW....that's what I did. And I wasn't sure where to begin either....I was here the first time from '04 to '06. Couldn't have fathomed things working out happily with someone else, but....they did. Take two was around '09-'10 when I met and married the RIGHT one. Give yourself time to heal and grow. You'll be ok. I promise.)

 

[tuffyluvr]

i understand people have a lot of opinions that are different... but lets be real - without knowing what exactly happened everyone is making hypothetical situations and ASSUMING a lot of things....

I dont think it shows MrsDrP doesnt care because she is so ready to say im done-- sometimes people say things when they are upset that they dont really mean, and if she didnt care she wouldnt have made a post

okay i get it guys dont like to be made to look like fools in front of their friends - thats not new news, regardless of the profession or career path they have chosen fine....

there are so many things that we do not know that we cannot give proper advise-- only she knows what to truley do or not do...
we dont know if this has happened in the past...or if she just had a bit to much to drink - and in the heat of the moment thought something would be funny but didnt come accross that way-- it may or may not have been intentional...

i just find it funny how everyone seems to know the right answer when they dont have any of the facts to back up anything they are saying
AGAIN just my opinion so really what does it matter right
ps. why does everyone think dating 8 months and getting married is such a big deal - i knew when i was with my bf for the first 3 months he was the one.... again NOT relevant

True that we don't know all of what has happened here, but I honestly think that you are the one that is myopic. I think that most of the people who have dessenting opinions are simply trying to be objective. Personally, when someone says that they did something really awful to their SO--so awful that they don't even want to go into detail, I would tend to think it's pretty damn bad. Really, it could run the gamut from "OMG, so embarrassing, I barfed in a cab...sang kareoke...fell down". Whatever, NBD. Or it could be "laughed about his small penis... told his friends he sucks in bed..made out with his friend" or anything in between. Barfing in a cab, whatevs. Laughing at his penis to his friends, practically unforgiveable.

I honestly would not feel that I was being supportive of someone if I said, "he's a dick--throw away your entire relationship" over one post. C'mon. There are two sides to every story, we have no clue what really went down, or any insight into their relationship except for what she has told us. Maybe she should break it off, maybe he is an a**hat. But there is also another side to the story...

I recently posted about how upset I was that my boyfriend left me behind to go to a football game and didn't call to tell me he was leaving... The responses I got in regards to that were much harsher than many of the responses she has gotten here. And by posting here, I was inviting those opinions. If I had wanted to be 'right' and have people agree with me, I would have called a friend or my sister and griped about what a jerk he was being. Instead I asked for objective, unemotional opinions on the situation. It helped me to see the other side: that I was overreacting and I hadn't done the best job handling the situation.

When one is angry, hurt and emotional, it is the hardest thing in the world to step away from the situation and see both sides...

 

[Dreamer_D]

I've been around the block and am a happily married woman.

I think the one thing you can promise any partner you have is that you will embarass them. Not once, but many times, over the course of a relationship. You will make them mad, make them annoyed, frustrated, make them even rue the day they met you (if only for a moment ). And you will talk about your relationship with them to other people, yes, even anonymously online (don't post pictures, bad move). You will also snore, fart, let your leg hair grow... wait. Oops. Maybe that is only me

Any man who does not accept that is not someone I would want to be in a relationship with.

 

[sonnyjane]

I've been around the block and am a happily married woman.

I think the one thing you can promise any partner you have is that you will embarass them. Not once, but many times, over the course of a relationship. You will make them mad, make them annoyed, frustrated, make them even rue the day they met you (if only for a moment ). And you will talk about your relationship with them to other people, yes, even anonymously online (don't post pictures, bad move). You will also snore, fart, let your leg hair grow... wait. Oops. Maybe that is only me

Any man who does not accept that is not someone I would want to be in a relationship with.

Oh Dreamer I love this. It is so true. Trying to keep things "perfect" in a relationship is utterly exhausting. Once you just submit to the truths that you posted above, a marriage (or relationship in general) is so much easier.

 

[LJL]

I'm just going to ask - MrsDrP - what did you do while drunk that pissed him off??

I feel like a lot of us have been dancing around it but its really a big question and REALLY affects the advice that we can give. I think that is part of why people are all over the map on this thread (hes horrible v youre the one overreacting). There is a huge range of possible things and some could be so trivial while others may be unforgivable. I think a lot of us are imputing our own ideas of what would be a horrible thing to say and like tuffy said, that can be small penis jokes or just general drunken behavior. Of course you can decide you'd rather not tell us for privacy or embarrassment reasons but I think it might shed some light here.

I had quite a drunken weekend 3 weeks ago and said some WILD things, but nothing bad about my SO because I'd honestly have nothing to say that couldn't be said in public (nothing bad anyways ) Can you at least tell us if you said something that is private or if it was more of a trashtalking thing? Might be excusable if it was a small slip but not if it was a big tirade about how he sucks in bed. I think at least 75% of the things we say/do when we're drunk are things we are thinking when we're sober.

 

[sonnyjane]

I'm just going to ask - MrsDrP - what did you do while drunk that pissed him off??

I feel like a lot of us have been dancing around it but its really a big question and REALLY affects the advice that we can give. I think that is part of why people are all over the map on this thread (hes horrible v youre the one overreacting). There is a huge range of possible things and some could be so trivial while others may be unforgivable. I think a lot of us are imputing our own ideas of what would be a horrible thing to say and like tuffy said, that can be small penis jokes or just general drunken behavior. Of course you can decide you'd rather not tell us for privacy or embarrassment reasons but I think it might shed some light here.

I had quite a drunken weekend 3 weeks ago and said some WILD things, but nothing bad about my SO because I'd honestly have nothing to say that couldn't be said in public (nothing bad anyways ) Can you at least tell us if you said something that is private or if it was more of a trashtalking thing? Might be excusable if it was a small slip but not if it was a big tirade about how he sucks in bed. I think at least 75% of the things we say/do when we're drunk are things we are thinking when we're sober.

I agree. I don't think the OP has any obligation to tell us what exactly she said, but I agree with you that it does affect the advice that's given. When I posted earlier that there were only a few things that I can imagine her saying that would upset him so much, the big one in my head was if she insulted his bedroom performance. Honestly that's one that really cuts deep, not just because it embarrasses him at the time, but if you're going to commit to someone for the rest of your life, wouldn't you want to know that you made them satisfied in that department? To know that I didn't would certainly take away the magic in that relationship. The other really bad ones would be if she insulted his intelligence or work abilities in some way, or his family. If it's something like insulting his dancing abilities or fashion sense (which I have made fun of DH for in front of his friends lol) then the man would be clearly over-reacting, but if it were one of the more serious insults I mentioned above, it's easier to understand his feelings.

 

[MrsDrP]

First, I want to say that he's never been married before. We've both been engaged before, but never married. It'd be a first marriage for both of us.

As far as what happened that night, we both showed our a**es. It was an argument over a cigarette that got very heated. He just so happened to push all of my buttons at the same time and I overreacted. I was just as embarrassed about what he did.

We went about a day and a half without speaking, and he broke the silence this evening. He invited me over to watch a Monday night football game with him earlier, and he was very sweet. He didn't bring up our situation or our status at all tonight but everything felt normal. I guess I will see where it goes. I have a lot of faith in fate, and if it is meant to be it will happen. he may propose in 2 weeks or he may not....of course I want him to, but if he doesn't I'll have to find a way to get over it. I can't lose him, he's truly one of those one in a million guys, he's got it all! Even with his stubbornness and his pride, he's still perfect.

Although he didn't say anything about the issue tonight, is it safe for me to assume that he's forgiven me?? If actions speak louder than words, he definitely acted tonight like nothing ever happened. I'm confused but I'm not about to bring it up and ruin this excellent mood he's in (he even rubbed my back-a rarety!) Not knowing is definitely one of the most helpless and frustrating feelings I've had in a while...