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I think the wedding is off. so bummed

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cellososweet

cellososweet

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 12, 2006
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876
hey everyone,
not to long ago, i posted a thread about my future in-laws being from hell and being abusive (physically as a child and now verbally and emotionally) to my fiance. I gently approached the subject and he agreed that he needs to cut them off because they are not only toxic to our relationship but, moreover, his well-being. He said that it was his decision to cut them off and that he realizes that this is the best thing, even if it''s hard.

well, time goes by and he still hadn''t even called his parents regarding the issue. i told him that if he feels uncomfortable telling them they are out, then maybe he could tell them that if they ever speak negatively about our relationship that he will cut them off. Thus giving them the chance to try and do right (though i doubt they will).

I told him last night that i feel like he is not being honest with me and if he can''t cut his parents off then that is fine. But i am not going to be sucked into their emotionally unstable lifestyle while he tries to figure out what to do with them. I have been waiting 3 years (their remarks have occured since day 1) and i feel like an idiot sitting around and waiting for him to see us as a unit.

I know his family is important to him. As disfunctional as they are, i know this. and that''s why, if he can''t cut them off, i will understand. he thinks that i am being unfair. he even pulled the "if you loved me you would. . " bullsh*t. I hate that. if i loved you i would be honest with you even if you didn''t like what i was saying. right? right. he doesn''t want to lose me but he isn''t treating me with the respect i feel i deserve being his future wife.

i gave the ring back. my finger feels emptier than my heart. maybe this was meant to be. i just needed to vent.

~cellososweet
 
Darling,

I am so sorry for your pain. I really am.

I am going to be brutally honest with my opinion here, though, and I want you to know that I mean no disrespect.

Whatever decision you make must be for you, but you must remember, when you marry someone, you marry into their family, whethere you love them or not. I do feel that you put your fiance in a really difficult position when you asked him to cut his family off. While I do agree that he should stand up for you and be honest to you, I don''t agree that he should have to choose between your relationship and his relationship with his family. I believe that if he did cut them off, that he would live to regret it, and possibly resent you.

So, take the time off that you need, but realize the suffering that your fiance must be going through..

Very sorry for your pain.

Tybee
 
Date: 5/3/2006 4:25:12 PM
Author:cellososweet
i gave the ring back. my finger feels emptier than my heart. maybe this was meant to be. i just needed to vent.
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That says a lot! Vent away on here, girl! You have to do what feels right in your gut! Stay in touch with how you''re feeling in the next few days and if you have serious regret (rather than just natural sadness), act accordingly.

Everyone has different deal-breakers. Certainly sounds reasonable. When you marry someone, you kinda have to expect that the ARE the way they are RIGHT NOW. If you don''t see chance now, you probably won''t ever.

Maybe this will be a wake up call for him, whether it leads to a reunion or not.

CYBER-SQUEEZE!
 
Thanks for your reply but i don''t know if you ever read the previous topic that i had posted. this was his idea to cut his parents off. he had mentioned it before. i never said that i wanted him to chose between me and his parents. the only thing i told him is that if we are going to be married, he needs to stand up for me and that includes derogatory racist remarks from his parents. i don''t think that is unreasonable. he stands up for me but they won''t stop and they are ruining his emotional stability. i appreciate your honesty but i''m not quite sure if you read the original thread and what his parents are doing to him. i told him last night that if he wants to be with his family that i understand. this wasn''t an ultimatum. i really do understand and if that''s what he wants that is good. but i''m not going to sit here at let him be emotionally and verbally abused and let his parents degrade me. i understand that he may resent me if he does it. but that would only happen if he didn''t it to please me. and that''s not what i want. i want him to make an honest decision.

maybe i should have mentioned that he has a major confidence and self-esteem issue and that the real problem here is that he isn''t being honest with me or himself. i''m moving out june 23rd.

i''m sorry if i sounded like it was a me or them thing because that''s not what i meant. what i meant is that if i am going to be his wife, he needs to see us as a unit and not let his parents degrade me at every expense. and that if they do, he has to do something about it.

what a f''ing mess.
 
Cello,

I am so so sorry you are having to go through this!!! I certainly think you need honesty from him about what he intends to do regarding his parents, whether he cuts them off or not. He SAID he thought it was the right thing to do but now is backtracking...he needs to make up his mind before he can expect you to live with his decisions!! I think what you did was probably the best for now. See how you feel after a few days, and what he is thinking. Maybe this will be the kick start he needs to see that you are the most important thing in his life; maybe you''ll realize you don''t need him in yours anymore. Either way, wishing you the best of luck in however it all turns out!!! Be strong, and know that we''re here for you if you need to talk!!!
 
ohhhh Cello I am so sorry for your situation. But I stand behind you and your decision and admire you for being so brave and taking control of your life like that. It is true that you marry into the family, and you saw a family that you did not want to marry into. If he doesn''t see the same thing, or like you said, sees it but won''t stand up to it, then you need to get yourself out of that situation. It sounds like it''s not a family you want to raises children in at all.

Everything will work out the way it''s supposed to if you continue to be this strong and stand for what you believe. I wish the best for you Cello! Feel free to talk here.
 
Just wanted to offer some support and virtual hugs. If your finger feels emptier than your heart, you are traveling the right course. Be strong - we''re here for you...
 
Whew. Good luck. From what you are saying, it sounds like you made the right decision. I believe that the spouse has a right to come first--and if he cannot stand up to his family now, you may never come first.

Like other people have said, stay stong, we''ll be here.
 
Cello,

I am super sorry if I sounded harsh, I skimmed down to find your earlier post, but couldn''t find it!

Either way, I am so very sorry. I wish you strength in this difficult time.

Tybee
 
Cello, I am sorry to hear this.

I was the one on your other thread that mentioned I really understand about Korean MILs. Believe it or not, I have been thinking for the past couple of days on what I should say to you. Yours is not an easy situation, made even more complicated by the fact that it goes beyond bitchy MILs...there are cultural complications here.

That being said, I think you are making the right decision, based on the limited knowledge I have of your relationship. While some Korean MILs pulls out all the stops in the hopes of derailing the relationship, they can be accepting once the marriage happens. Your FMIL does not sound like one of these women.

It is not uncommon for Korean men to not be able to back up their wives to their family. There is such an intense undercurrent of duty that many of them feel. Put on top of that they DO love their parents and it becomes harder still. I honestly have not met too many Korean men who have been able to cut off their families, and even though it's infuriating, it's not hard for me to understand why.
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My korean girlfriend had a MIL that was pretty bad, and it only got WORSE when she got married. For over 10 years, it was a source of contention between her and her husband. She was thinking she couldn't take it anymore in year two, but somehow made it through. About a year ago, the MIL passed away, and my friend tells me that even her FIL seems a lot happier. Still 10 years was a lot to endure, and while my friend was able to, I would not have been so noble. (She had to deal with things like unexpected SIX MONTH visits where her MIIL would come into their house and rearrange furniture).

My point is that you know your threshold of pain. No one in this day and age should have to take that kind of abuse. If it indeed is the case that your husband cannot stand up for you, you will become bitter toward him and you will have to deal with an unhappy marriage vs an unhappy engagement/breakup.

I truly feel for you. While I think horrible MILs can exist in ANY culture, I am especially sensitive to the Korean kind.
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I hope that your man and you will be able to work it out, but I do know that asian family dynamics are just so much more nuclear (read: intrusive) than American ones, and it's more than just a clash of personalities. Please keep us posted, vent as much as you like, and accept my hugs and good vibes.
 
Cello, is there any compromise to be had, i.e., he does not cut them off totally, but you do not have to see them and he stands up for you whenever they are inappropriate? I know you do not want to make him chose. Seems like all on his own he realized some hard truths, but the actions are tough to follow through on. I guess, even if I agreed to compromise on it, I would worry that the mere presence of them might place such burdens on him, burdens as his wife that you will be helping him with. And, if you have kids, I would personally never want to have them alone with his parents, if they were abusive. It is so odd that even when parents are abusive and we know we have the right to cut them off, actually doing it is so hard. It is tough because if he says he will stand firm, but then you are married and have kids and he does not live up to his word, it will hard on all of you. Are you both going to think about things and talk at some point? I just hate the thought that the parents might think they got this to happen with their disgusting behavior...try to be at peace with whatever happens, I hope it all turns out for the best!
 
Hi cellososweet --

I''m sorry this happened! I know how hard it must be for you and how it must have made you feel when he wouldn''t back you up. I also it imagine it being so hard for him as well. Sounds like you are both in a difficult position. I think some behaviors like not standing up to your family are deeply engrained cultural behaviors that don''t easily change. If you are not comfortable with him and the way he deals with things then I think you made a good choice to leave. I know sometimes my FI used to ask me if I wanted to cut my dad off or my FI would get mad at my dad....I, strangely, found myself defending my dad too...anyways, my FI just didn''t want to see me hurt anymore. I told him the best way to support me was to just be there for me to vent to, but that my family will always be my family, regardless of their mental instability!
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I do think the people on this board are AMAZING and come from very diverse backgrounds. Sometimes I''ve thought what they wrote was insightful and trying to help but it sounds like (and this totally may not be true but is just my interpretation) you have your mind made up and are looking for support for your opinion rather than advice. Only you know your situation best so although people have mentioned things, you always have a counterargument (good ones too!). I think you should do what makes you happy
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and we will be here to support you.
 
cellososweet, i am so sorry to hear about your situation, my heart truly goes out to you. i don''t know firsthand about Korean MILs but i know how bad it can be. my family (and I) are Laotian and my grandparents did not want my dad to marry my mom because she was from the northern part of Laos and they were from the southern and because they had someone else in mind. Three years later, they see the lady that they wanted my dad to marry and they told my dad to leave my mother and i for this woman! My parents have been married now for 26 years and it still hasn''t gotten any easier... I think your decision was for the best and we''re here for you!
 
cellososweet, I''m sorry to hear your news. I think you''re a very strong woman for giving the ring back, and I completely understand that it''s not a "me or them" decision. Rotten things happen in life, and sometimes we just can''t fix them. It is so true--if it''s meant to be, it will be. I hope things work out for you in the end, no matter what the final outcome. Take care of yourself.
 
tybee,
it''s ok. :-) I just figured that you hadn''t read my earlier post. I think it was under "I need some advice" or something to that effect. I feel like crap. i know this is for the best but i feel like i''m going to have an anxiety attack. i keep considering whether it was really the best decision or not but it all boils down to me being miserable. at this point i would rather be miserable by myself than have someone else make me miserable. at least i can snap myself out of things eventually. i think this weekend will be good. i''m gonna get away. :-) Maybe go up north to SF or something. Take some me time out. I guess I''m just pissed off at myself because i feel like i missed a huge red warning flag that he wasn''t going to do what he said he would. hindsight is still about 20/100 at this point. nothing is quite clear. thanks for all of your support everyone. i just feel so. . . empty.
 
I''m so sorry. Getting away to clear your head is a good idea. I know this is a very tough situtation, I remember your other thread. Big hugs!!!
 
Again, try to be strong. I know you have a let down, empty sense now, but try to think long term. Life throws such tough stuff at us. I do not know if love is enough to make all the stress and unhappiness manageable. It would start to errode at you. And, even if he made the choice, he might start to feel resentments and then it would be a huge mess. If you let him go, and he comes back having made these decisions with a clear head and you know you will not be subjected to them in the future, maybe it can all work out. Otherwise, you might always have fears and worries...better to face it now. ***hugs*** and hang in there. You are strong and it will get better...
 
I agree w/ snow_happy that you seem to have already made-up your mind. Perhaps your decision is the right one for now, but keep in mind you can always chage your mind when you see fit
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.

Coming from an asian culture and having dated ex-boyfreind who has old-fashion-minded parents, I know it can be difficult to deal with criticisms from his family. However it may make it easier for you to forgive them if you try to understand their upbringing and what their belief systems are. West vs. East is a topic much bigger than a PhD dissertationc can address. All his parents wanted was "what they think" to be best for him. They are not neccesarily targeting "you", yet I know it can be very hurtful.

It is really all up to you. We all have to decide for ourselves what the boundaries are, and what the "non-negotiables" are in relationships. However they will change in time too, so keep an open mind and be happy.

Hugs!!!!!
 
Date: 5/3/2006 4:46:02 PM
Author: cellososweet

i''m sorry if i sounded like it was a me or them thing because that''s not what i meant. what i meant is that if i am going to be his wife, he needs to see us as a unit and not let his parents degrade me at every expense. and that if they do, he has to do something about it.
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I guess I''m going to have to disagree a bit on this one. If you expect him to see you both as a unit, then you *also* have to see you both as a unit. That means sharing the responsibility for doing something about it. It''s not *his* problem; it''s *our* problem - meaning both of you.

You said he does stand up for you, but it doesn''t stop them. What I hear there is: he is doing something, but it''s not effective.

If he has self-esteem and self-confidence issues, then perhaps he''s not equipped to initiate conflict or confrontation. Fine....then his role should be to support you when you do it. Why can''t you call them on this behavior?

My husband isn''t comfortable with conflict either, and he often won''t say how he feels if he''s offended. Believe me when I tell you I''m NOT similarly minded. I have absolutely no problem expressing what''s OK for me and what''s not.....to anyone. I told my husband early on that I don''t take any crap from anyone, and that includes both families. I explained to him "you can bet your bottom dollar that if I won''t put up with it from my own mother (and I don''t), I won''t put up with it from yours."

You haven''t said how long ago it''s been since you both decided that he would cut off contact with them if they didn''t amend their behavior. I guess I''d gently suggest that his having not done it immediately isn''t a sign that he can''t or won''t.....but I believe that it''s not an easy thing to do, and it''s not going to likely work on the first try. It''s kinda like quitting smoking.....you KNOW all the reasons you SHOULD, and you know it''s BAD for you, but there is a loss of comfort and security and a feeling of anxiety in giving up something. Even when it''s bad for you.

Something like this might take a little patience. I don''t mean hang around forever waiting, but this isn''t like waiting for someone to get off their can to make dinner reservations. It''s a bit complex, and it may take more than a few tries to get it done.
 
cellososweet - I am very very very sorry to hear this! I too believe that you should do what is best for yourself. Maybe after a little time apart he will decide to do what''s right as well.

Big hugs!! and good luck.
 
Oh Cello, I''m so sorry you had to make such a tough decision, but from what you have said, it sounds like the best one at this point. You never know what will happen in the future
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And definitely get away this weekend and clear you head, it sounds like you definitely deserve that!
 
Date: 5/3/2006 10:04:00 PM
Author: cellososweet
tybee,

i just feel so. . . empty.
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Hi Cello. I hope you have a peaceful weekend and can focus yourself and gain some more insight. I think the fact that you said you feel "empty" inside reveals that you actually made the right decision. You are not looking back, but you are simply at the beginning again, ready for what''s coming next. It''s all about how you actually feel, of course, but if you feel blank inside when you think of a life with him, then you''ve made the right decision to leave the relationship. Best of luck, Cello!
 
Thanks again everyone.

You make me feel better ;-)

Aljdewey- i realize this is is our problem. I have attempted to talk to them but i am unwelcome in their house because they are racist. I have called and the minute they hear my voice, they hang up. It''s really bad. I know what he''s doing isn''t effective and that was the point. He tries the same thing over and over and over and it''s not working and he said he was going to try something different. That''s where the cutting off came from. He said that is what he was ready to do. But, he hasnt'', and in the mean time they keep saying racist comments to him about me and he just sits there. I''m not quite sure how to talk to them about this when they literally refuse to speak to me. They''ve told his brother if they ever got a letter from me they would throw it away. So, i''m not quite sure how i''m supposed to go about talking to a brick wall. I understand your point and it is totally valid but i''d like to know if you have ideas on how to go about that? At this point though, i will take advice into consideration but i''m not going to move further with any of it because i think it''s important that i stand back and look from the outside. But, i''d like to know if you have any advice :-) And just for the record, i think that almost 3 years of patience is enough, no? 1.5 of talking about this issue honestly and openly. That''s why it''s come to this.

There is so much more to this situation that i guess i thought would be implied but it''s not, i guess. this is not a new issue. this is a very old issue. i am a genuinely patient person but it gets to the point where i feel taken advantage of. i guess this is that point.

thanks everyone. and thanks ajdewey for your input. i appreciate it.
 
I am sorry that you are having to go through this, but better now then after the wedding. Vent away honey we are here to listen. (hugs)
 
Hi cellososweet --

I think that if you''ve made up your mind that he''s not doing what he should do, and you feel disrespected about it then it''s good that you left! From your posts I''ve gathered that you are intelligent and patient but frustrated at the situation. I think it''s really awesome that you''ve made the effort and tried to communicate with them. I also think that YOU ARE A WOMAN...and a damn strong one at that...let it be known! If they don''t want to listen, but you want them to listen..like you are determined and committed to speaking your mind and making it work -- you will make them. I don''t know how and I can''t outline it for you but I strongly believe that people can do anything (especially women!).

Have you ever seen the Incredibles? When Edna Mode smacks Elastigirl when she''s crying about not knowing where her husband is? Sometimes I think we forget how powerful we are. So, if you choose to, GO - FIGHT - WIN! (And if you haven''t seen the Incredibles it''s an amazing movie!)

GOOD LUCK!
 
Cellosweet, I just wanted to send hugs to you
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Everything will work out in the end for the best, keep faith, I know it''s hard but hang in there.
 
Oh that is sad news
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But remember there is no such thing as a ''normal family''......if this is what has ruined the relationship,it is very sad.

Follow your gut feeling...it is always right. If you really felt you had found your soul mate....then I''d get the ring back and work things out. Don''t let pride get in the way.

A bit of soul searching needed here. Is this really what you want? Only you can answer this.

Best wishes...and a big ((hug)) going out to you.

blod
 
Cellosweet...I''m so sorry! This is horrible, but may be the wake up call he needed...if you did marry would you guys live near the in laws? I can understand you not wanting to deal with the emotional abuse they will try to throw at you (and any children!). If he was your soulmate he wouldn''t let you walk away so easily...especially when it was HIS idea. Hopefully he''ll come around, maybe there is at least some kind of compromise that you can work out (like you and any kids never see the in laws/speak to/hear about, but he can go). But I''m sure that once their sick and dying you''ll be expected to wait on them hand and foot, provide them with a place to stay, etc, etc. Which is fine for normal parents/in laws...but I''m not so sure I could stomach doing that for a couple of racists that hated me for years with no reason. So...it''s your call...but this may be for the best. I''m sorry, and I hope you figure out what to do.
 
cello,

I know your situation must be difficult... follow your gut instincts (it sounds like you have) and have the strength to follow through on them (ditto.) You know what is right for yourself even if you feel like a walking zombie. You are in my thoughts, enjoy your weekend and take the time to think things through.
 
Cello, it sounds to me like you have given it your all. Honestly, I never really liked my in laws (and vice versa I am certain) but I do not think I could have handled being hung up on, or not being allowed in their home. I know this is a very hurtful time. Do they live close by? I think that there is no way to have a relationship with them near and having the depth of hatred they do. It would seem to be just impossible. I do not know if I would even want them to ever see my kids, even if my husband took them over and I did not have to see them. Their racist attitude would likely be aimed at my kids too, for being half me! I know this is tough, but hopefully it will all work out. Maybe your guy will come to all these conclusions on his own...and maybe you could find a way to make it work...I am just sorry you are having to deal with the pain now...
 
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