I wouldn''t call it a "panic attack" but...

[sumbride]

Bleh.... just feeling bleh right now....

My birthday was Saturday and my boyfriend and I decided to have a bbq at our house for it. We''ve been sort of sniping at each other for a week now, and on Friday night it all sort of came to a head and we just blew up at each other. He stopped talking to me for a couple of hours and I spent time crying while chopping veggies, marinating chicken, peeling shrimp, making pie, etc... Eventually he came out of his cave and we were able to talk about it, and I just sort of broke down. I sobbed. I think everything has just been getting to me and by everything, I do mean everything... from work, to family, to friends, to my birthday... just everything... We did all our apologies, then he just sort of held me while I sobbed and then he said "this doesn''t change our plans... you know that, right..." and I sobbed some more because just for a few minutes I thought it might have... thought this was it, we''d had it... even though the argument started about where the can opener was. really. That was dissappointment #1.... fight the night before my birthday. But we made up, problem solved.

So I knew he hadn''t had time to shop for my birthday presents, and I wasn''t expecting a proposal, but when he finally gave me my gifts on Sunday, I just had this tremendous letdown. He says one of them is still in the mail, but is on its way, but the thing that really gave me pause... he got me an ipod adapter that hooks into the head unit of my car stereo. It''s really cool, but what I wanted was a tape adapter. This is "better" of course, but not what I asked for or even what I want. So now I''m torn... do I have it installed and learn to love it, or return it and get what I asked for? He says he''s fine with either but I could see the hurt on his face when I said "oh" which I shouldn''t have done, but he woke me up from a nap with the presents and I just wasn''t that awake. I feel terrible for that "oh". This is dissapointment #2.

He meant well and everything, but still... and this of course, leads me to my e-ring. He''s been making comments again about wanting to surprise me. I sent him a picture of a ring I liked, but judging by his reaction, I haven''t sent him anymore. Now it seems he thinks that is the one I want and he''s done. I don''t feel that way but he doesn''t really want to discuss it, or at least that''s what he says when I bring it up. We were talking about the necklace I lost a few weeks ago and I said he could give me another one for the proposal so we could pick out the ring together and he said "so I''m supposed to get you a ring AND a necklace?" I said "No, I just thought, since you wanted to give me something in the proposal...." and he said "well, how do you know I haven''t ordered the ring? You showed me what you wanted." I kind of balked and said "That was just an idea... besides, you don''t know my ring size!" he said "What if I measured it while you slept!" I said "I''m a light sleeper." and he said "No, you''re not." hmmm... so, is he just messing with me (again?!?!) or did he really measure my finger while I slept and he''s already ordered the ring I haven''t decided if I want or not... to circumvent the whole concept of us picking out the ring together... which could then lead to the same situation we have with the ipod adapter.... which I''m still trying to figure out how to handle.... This is potential dissapointment #3.

The whole birthday thing... I didn''t want him to propose on my birthday, and he didn''t. So that shouldn''t be a dissapointment.... but the whole time I just kept thinking, what if it''s tonight? So somehow I set myself up for something I didn''t even want, and now I''m dissapointed! CRAZY. And during the party, all his friends kept asking me when our trip to CA was.... I kept saying "End of July. End of July." Which makes me wonder if I''m right in thinking that''s when it REALLY is and they know that so they''re trying to find out when without telling me, etc..... Of course, if it ISN''T during that trip, I''ll be dissapointed AGAIN.

WHY do I do this to myself??? Having the timeline is supposed to make it easier, but I think I''m making myself crazy. He''s leaving this weekend for Europe to spend a week with his brother who lives in France. I''m ok with that, thinking the week apart will help me chill out, but the end of July is coming up soon.

I''m just another crazy freaked-out panic-attack-ridden LIW, I guess.

 

[Starset]

BIG HUG!!!

Don''t you feel better getting that out? We know! We''ve had times like that, too. This temporary separation will be just what the Pricescope Fairy ordered. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

 

[caligal]

Oh Sumbride... big hugs!!

You aren''t strange, weird, or anything of that sort- you are just ready to marry the man of your dreams! And remember, we all have fights- and often about the dumbest things. During those big life events, it is totally normal to think... maybe this is the night- I''ve done it for over a year at EVERY occasion a bit! I too have a birthday coming up- my 30th- but unlike you I really want him to do it for my birthday! We also have a timeline, a lot liike yours, and while it helps sometimes, it also drives you crazy other times.

Here''s what I have done to get past all of it and out of the state of mind you are in:

1. Set no expectations about all the weekends, holidays, etc regarding engagement. Assume he won''t do it- and look forward to other activities you two will be doing other than that. Find fun things to look forward to and assume he is going to do it the last day before your deadline.
2. Find some focus on other areas in your life. Easy for me to say as I''ve moved, started a new job, and work a ton more now! Can you set some personal goals not involving engagement to reach?
3. Keep talking here! This is the BEST community of listeners, advice gives, and sympathizers.

I wish you all the best!

 

[schatzyqt]

I''m so sorry that this just happened all at once, especially around your birthday. Just try to keep things in perspective. With the Ipod adapter maybe your boyfriend saw it as being an upgrade from the tape adapter. My boyfriend does that a lot, I''ll want something and then he''ll buy me something that is "better" even though it is not what I wanted. As for worring about the e-ring. If you have shown him what style ring you like and stone shape then you''ve done your part and now you have to let your boyfriend do his and work/shop/plan at a pace that he is comfortable with. As hard as it sounds try to relax. Maybe get a massage or a girls night out (that always helps me out when I need to vent about when J (my boyfriend) is going to propose). I hope everything gets better soon.

 

[Cailet]

ugh! i totally know how you feel!!

that weird - "I didn''t even want XX, but then somehow talked myself into expecting it and then am disappointed it didn''t happen" feeling. I really wouldn''t want to get engaged on any "holiday" but you still have that little feeling in the back of your head of "what if" - I just had my 30th birthday and I totally didn''t expect/want a proposal but found myself a bit disappointed that he didn''t surprise me with it anyway. It''s kind of mind boggling what the "timeline" does to us all! You would think having an idea would be great but sometimes it just makes it that much harder.

my guy is gone on a business trip right now - and it has been a reprieve to the constant wondering peppered with occassional minutes of super anxiety. I guess it doesn''t help that about a billion "wedding" shows are on cable right now. Hopefully you will have a nice break while your guy is gone.

and I agree with the other gals - find something else to focus on - try not to expect anything and just enjoy the moments (I know that''s harder than it sounds!!)

 

[allycat0303]

Sumbride,

I don''t think anticipation is any fun either! So here''s the thing, did you send him a picture of a ring you love? Or one you can live with? Honestly, I''d pick out exactly what I want (EXACTLY) send it to him, and then let him take it from there. Sometimes, stress, family, crazy friends, everything seems to pile up on you all at the same time, and then you snap. It''s ok, and totally normal. Especially with the added stress of trying to guess when he is going to propose! So don''t be so hard on yourself, go out with some girlfriends and vent a little.

Let us know how your feeling

 

[sumbride]

Thanks ladies! It did help just to get it all out there.... It''s not really a good time to vent with my friends right now because one of my best friends just broke off an engagement (but she wanted to, and had planned to, but STILL it hurts!) so I''ve been told to "shhhh about the wedding stuff right now" so this is my only outlet.

I definitely need to get back into my hobbies.... we''ve been so overscheduled that I haven''t been to the gym in ages and it''s really bugging me. That was my outlet before, but then all of a sudden we had all these visitors and late nights and meetings and blah blah blah... I just need to sweat it out. Maybe while he''s gone I''ll finally get a chance to organize the office that we''ve been putting off for a while. I really want to find a couch for that room but until I get some stuff put away it''s never going to happen.

This was my 29th birthday, and I think maybe some of the dissapointment stems from wanting to be married by 30 vs. wanting to be engaged for a year before our wedding.... now I know I have to go with the second option, and it''s not a big deal to not be married by 30, but there''s still a little voice in my head saying "you won''t be married by 30..." and since I''m from the south... I cannot shut it up.

 

[sumbride]

Date: 6/12/2006 1:09:07 PM
Author: allycat0303
Sumbride,

I don''t think anticipation is any fun either! So here''s the thing, did you send him a picture of a ring you love? Or one you can live with? Honestly, I''d pick out exactly what I want (EXACTLY) send it to him, and then let him take it from there.

I love it, but I don''t know what it looks like on my hand, since it was just a website picture. I''m really picky about jewelry and have large fingers... and since it would have to be made in my size, we wouldn''t be able to return it if I didn''t like it. I''ve had a hard time finding rings that are "perfect as is" without some modification. I have a folder of things I like, but it''s elements of the rings that I like, not the whole ring... that''s why I really wanted to be involved... wanted something custom... but he doesn''t get that and is very much a "send me the clickable link where I can buy it online and be done with it" kind of guy.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 6/12/2006 1:09:44 PM
Author: sumbride
there''s still a little voice in my head saying ''you won''t be married by 30...'' and since I''m from the south... I cannot shut it up.

Ahhh THE SOUTH. I know it well. Mini-suggestion ... just think of all those gals who were married before 30 that''ll ALSO be divorced by thirty.

That helps me (a 38 year old bride-to-be who''s missing being "married by 38" by one friggin month

)

Why do you need a whole year to plan anyhoo? (Of course, I''m taking 11 months myself so don''t have much room to squalk)

Buck up, cowgirl -- these problems (kitchen argument, wrong Ipod adapter, frustrating wait for e-ring, gettin hitched AT 30 rather than pre-30) are gonna look like potholes (not craters) in your rear-view mirror! Hey, keep your eye on THE ROAD AHEAD!!

 

[allycat0303]

Sumbride: It sounds as though you are as picky as me. I went back and worth and drove him crazed. At the end, he was like " I don''t care how much the setting costs, just DECIDE!" Consequently the setting price was really expensive, but he knew that if I didn''t get EXACTLY what I wanted, then all hell would break loose

I assume from what you''ve said that you''ve discussed it with him and you are expecting a proposal in July? Here''s how I would approach it (now mind you I''m pretty blunt with him...my boyfriend instinctively "GETS" a girl''s obsession with diamonds, so I''ve never had to use it on him.

"(Insert boyfriend''s name here) imagine if you had to drive the same car for the REST of your life..."

Boyfriend reply "grunts or something like that

)

"Wouldn''t you want it to be PERFECT for you?"

And then he''ll agree, and you''ll sit down and discuss what you want. I know it feels like there''s no way that you''ll end up with the PERFECT ring, but trust me, things will work hard. Sometimes you just have to let go of the element of surprise and take matters into your own hands

 

[sk8rjen]

Sum, I''m so sorry this happened! But I''m glad it helped to vent and get it out (always works for me, too)~ and I totally relate to the not wanting the proposal on your birthday, but then being disappointed it didn''t happen. For me, I had told M I didn''t want the proposal on my b-day (and told him something else I really wanted instead) b/c I was hoping he''d propose BEFORE my b-day (which is July 2nd and there''s no way now he''s gonna propose anytime soon). So I''m glad you have a timeline and you can look forward to July!!!!

Re the IPOD adaptor -- I can''t help much, but for what it''s worth, I got something at Christmas from M that was "better" than what I wanted and was somewhat letdown then, but have since grown to love it. I know that''s not always possible with everything, but I hope you can show him you appreciate him and his thoughfulness no matter what you decide.

Good luck and we''re all here to listen anytime!
jen

 

[sumbride]

Very true Deco! I know I''m being petty! And yes, I have a few divorced friends already... I''m glad I''ve taken the time to figure out who I really am. The year-long, possibly longer, engagement has a lot to do with logistics... my father''s schedule (he owns his own company) is kind of a bear and there are certain times of year that are impossible to deal with, like early June. I also told my boyfriend, a football fanatic, that I would not, COULD NOT, marry him during football season. "Yeah, honey, I know it''s our tenth anniversary, but the ''Skins are at home this week... you understand, right?" So that kind of limits us.

 

[sumbride]

Thanks Ally and Jen! This is what being a LIW is all about, isn''t it.

Ally -- one of the things that is frustrating me so much is that he AGREED that I could pick out the ring... he said he understood about me having to wear it for the rest of my life (even though my mom changes her ring every decade and I might end up doing that too...) and said I could be involved after I insisted I wanted to be. He''s still a bit of a traditionalist though so I think that side of him is conflicted... his friends picked out their fiancee''s rings, so why can''t he?? But none of them are as picky as I am... plus I''m INTO jewelry and he just thinks of it as expensive. He wants me to be happy but he won''t ever really understand why one ring is better than the other. Obviously I need to bombard him with emails now, right? If he thinks he can go shopping alone, I''m going to set him straight.

 

[allycat0303]

Sumbride: Even if you change rings every decade, you still have to wear it for a WHOLE DECADE! That''s pretty long to be wearing something you aren''t in love with. I don''t necessarily think that you should bombard him with emails (cause well that''s kind of scary) Maybe just make 1 collage, and write down what elements you want and send it to him. You know, all the info in 1 single email. Looks less bad is how I figure it. Good Luck!

 

[sumbride]

a collage.... I think I can do that. If I draw arrows to certain features, maybe that would help him understand.

 

[Selkie]

Oh, Sum, I''m sorry your birthday didn''t go well. It does sound like he was trying to be thoughtful in his own way with the iPod adapter, men are so practical. J was going to buy me new batteries for my boat for my birthday! I told him to save his money for my ring, and I got chocolate covered strawberries instead

.

As for the ring you sent him, was it the Blue Nile one you asked about a couple of weeks ago? Because I really love that setting, and can''t imagine that it would look anything but great on your hand. I can understand being upset about him choosing that one, though, even if you do like it, because from your perspective it was just one of many possibilities, and you weren''t done looking yet! The thing is, rings can take many weeks (mine took 12 or 13!), and maybe he wanted to go with that one so that he would have it in time for your trip to CA?

You''re not being petty, and you have a right to be upset, but in the end, it still sounds like things are moving along. There''s just a lot of tension built up in this process for you, and it''s got to come out somewhere. Anyway, I hope you feel better!

When are you going to Mass? Is he going with you?

 

[sumbride]

Date: 6/12/2006 7:10:16 PM
Author: Selkie
Oh, Sum, I''m sorry your birthday didn''t go well. It does sound like he was trying to be thoughtful in his own way with the iPod adapter, men are so practical. J was going to buy me new batteries for my boat for my birthday! I told him to save his money for my ring, and I got chocolate covered strawberries instead

.

As for the ring you sent him, was it the Blue Nile one you asked about a couple of weeks ago? Because I really love that setting, and can''t imagine that it would look anything but great on your hand. I can understand being upset about him choosing that one, though, even if you do like it, because from your perspective it was just one of many possibilities, and you weren''t done looking yet! The thing is, rings can take many weeks (mine took 12 or 13!), and maybe he wanted to go with that one so that he would have it in time for your trip to CA?

You''re not being petty, and you have a right to be upset, but in the end, it still sounds like things are moving along. There''s just a lot of tension built up in this process for you, and it''s got to come out somewhere. Anyway, I hope you feel better!

When are you going to Mass? Is he going with you?

Thanks Selkie! I''m feeling a bit better about it all now, thanks to the vent, and I think I''m going to keep the ipod adapter. He said he''ll pay to get it installed, so I just need to figure out when I can do that. The last gift came in the mail today and it was a tote bag I showed him a few weeks ago, so I realized that he was definitely just trying to be thoughtful and he wanted to get me the best thing he could....

And yes, that blue nile setting was the one and only I''ve sent him and he liked it. I like it, I think I could love it, but.... yeah, I''m still looking... not ready to "commit" to a setting... though I know it will take a while... not sure he knows how long it can take, but maybe his friends have enlightened him. I just really had my heart set on being involved and now that it seems he doesn''t want me to.... but maybe I''m just reading too much into his comments.

He is coming with me to Mass. We fly in Friday night, 6/30 but have to leave the afternoon of the 4th. I wish we could have stayed until the 5th but airfare/vacation time just didn''t work out.

 

[froufrou]

sum...

what if you try to get him to think its HIS idea that you can help pick it out? for example start saying that you looked up looking for rings online and realized there was this whole process of making sure you have the right pavilion and crown angles and width and depth on the diamond and the polish symmetry and then the blah blah, to make him think its like a science and takes a long time to buy...then he might just be overwhelmed with having too much stuff to deal with and just let you help pick it out since you already know all these terms he''s probably not heard of yet.

i do this all the time, we had this rug in the bathroom that got really dirty and i hated it but he didn''t want to throw it away, so when our friends stayed overnight once i replaced it with a new rug since i didnt want them to have to have the dirty one, then when he got home he asked after the dirty one (which he didnt want to throw away last month) and i said its in the closet because i know we don''t want to throw it away...and he goes "eh, let''s just throw it away".

i hope you do get your proposal soon!!!

 

[Selkie]

Glad you''re feeling a little better. Hopefully you can persuade him to let you have more input.

Ticket prices are crazy right now! J is coming too but we''re flying in and out at different times, and I bought his ticket much later than mine, so it ended up being double the price

. But he''s flying out of Boston on the afternoon of the 4th too. That''s OK, there''s fireworks on the 3rd in a lot of towns.

Frou, do we have the same BF? I had to pull the same stunt with a bathroom rug too! And a toilet seat cover

.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Ah honey that sucks! But I am glad you are already feeling a bit better! I don''t have much to add right now because I don''t wanna be late but just wanted to offer my support! Sounds like your week alone may be the perfect thing!

 

[sumbride]

Hey Frou - I think I will bring up just how complicated it can be... I want an oval and everybody knows you can''t just go buy an oval... you have to see them, you have to compare.... though his best friend''s wife has one of the sparkliest ovals I''ve ever seen in my life and if he could find one of those without me, OK! but yeah, I need to tell him just how hard the process is. He agonizes over major purchases... it took him 6 months to buy a sofa... so this could be one of those agonizing buys... maybe that''s why I wanted to be involved? Subconsciously I knew that if it were up to him it would be YEARS before he made a decision... hmmm.... it makes sense now.... and that rug thing is too funny. I just do all that stuff myself because he honestly doesn''t care.

Selkie - Yes, ticket prices are insane! That''s actually why we''re going to Boston... I wanted to go to Texas to see my family but tickets to Dallas were $500! Usually they''re about $200. So we''re flying to Boston for $160/each. I''m glad you were able to get J a ticket.... I had heard he wasn''t going to be able to make it, but I''m glad he''ll be there too! And I''m looking forward to the fireworks on the 3rd... I heard we were going on your wedding boat.... is that still the plan?

M is taking me out for my birthday dinner tonight at Lebanese Taverna and I''m really excited about that. He made the plans and the reservation... usually I have to do all that so I was relieved when he stepped up and did it. But honestly, I''m REALLY looking forward to my week alone. Don''t tell him.

 

[anchor31]

I''m sorry your birthday didn''t go so well... I hope things get better soon! I was terribly indecisive about my ering until we were ready to buy, and trying on as many as you can is the best thing you can do.

Have a nice evening, and enjoy your week alone! I''m sure it''ll do both of you a lot of good.

 

[sumbride]

Hi ladies -

Just wanted to say I''m doing so much better now! Thanks to all of you for your kind words and reassurances! M and I are still having litle squabbles, but I think the week apart will do us good. We''ve been spending a lot of time together lately and I think my independent streak is showing. He leaves Saturday for Europe so I''m just trying to stay out of his way while he packs and does laundry. When he gets back I''ll be in the middle of my convention for work so I won''t see him much until the weekend, when we''re heading to Boston to see Selkie''s brother and sister-in-law, and Selkie too!

oh, and I''ve decided to keep the ipod adapter. He''s going to get it installed for me when he gets back. And I won''t have another birthday until next year!

-Sum

 

[Selkie]

Glad to hear it. Enjoy the peace and quiet. I know I definitely need "refresher" periods myself, and that I appreciate him more after we''ve been apart for a week.

I think it''s still a go for the fireworks sail. J and I are definitely going, and I think Dan and Jen wanted to double check with you, but still seemed interested. It sounds like they have some nice sightseeing planned for you as well.

 

[londonblue]

hi Sum,

as a guy i thought i might give you some ideas of how to let him know what you want without overwhelming him. especially if you have a clear idea in mind of what you want. definitely collage together some images of what you like. then maybe another collage pointing out or circling the elements you like from particular rings, with notes of course. Include a bulleted and numbered list of what is most important to you, ordered by priority. You may want to state what you really would like or must have and what extras or features you can live without.

If you haven''t completely decided, just let him know something like that will be coming and should help him find something you''ll just love. It''s possible that doing something like that might make his life really hard though, as sometimes it''s easier for the girl to just point to something and say "this one!" and he''s done

My girlfriend used to constantly send me links to rings, and eventually they all became a sort of a blur. I''d remember some things but not others, and if the guy has no knowledge or hasn''t started looking, it''s quite difficult to remember all those "i like this one" images.

Anyway, the method is sort of like how I worked w/ the custom jeweler when making the ring, and it should leave your bf plenty of freedom to surprise you with.
Personally I''m quite different w/ my girlfriend insisting on some element of surprise and me going, "no no, you gotta help me. you''re wearing this ring, not me! you''re the one who has to love it, and no, you don''t know for a fact that we prefer the same thing "
In the end the ring came out great, and she loved it. and I love it. and I love it all the more because she loves it

good luck!

 

[sumbride]

Hey London -

That''s a good idea, thanks! I''ll start putting it together while he''s out of town... I honestly think he''d prefer the "THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT" but that doesn''t really apply here. I adore the ring you designed... it''s gorgeous!

Selkie -- I need to tell her YES, we''re all for the fireworks sail! As long as I take my dramamine.

 

[Selkie]

I don''t think you''ll need to worry too much about getting seasick unless you are very prone to it. The harbor is very protected and calm, and I think they only do a short sail during sunset. Then then they just anchor somewhere to actually watch the fireworks.

 

[sumbride]

I get motion sickness on the metro, and sometimes just walking around... the sad thing is I LOVE the water... so dramamine is my friend. It''s an inner ear issue from infancy. Lucky me!

M just left for the airport. Let my time alone begin!

 

[Selkie]

Ah, then bring on the meds! J gets seasick very easily too - kind of a drawback given our main interest is sailing. Have you ever tried Bonine? I find that even the non-drowsy Dramamine knocks me out, while Bonine is less drastic.

Enjoy having the house to yourself!

 

[sumbride]

I use bonine for my sinus-vertigo, but haven''t tried it for just motion sickness. I haven''t gotten drowsy from it yet. I guess that''s a perk!

It must be hard for J considering how much time you two spend on the water!!!