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If a relationship is ''hard,'' does that mean it''s ''bad?''

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gwendolyn

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Just wondering, because every now and then I come across comments that sound like relationships that are difficult are not healthy, or wrong, or ''you could do better'' sorts of situations. They usually make me wonder a bit about my relationship, because I don''t think it''s an especially easy relationship. Mostly this stems from the fact that he''s from another country than I am and there''s always some element of feeling pulled in two different directions. With more time to adjust to living in another country, this feeling may very well lessen, but it does sometimes make me wonder...

Then again, I *then* find myself reminding myself that if this wasn''t worth it, there''s nothing holding me here in England, since almost all of my friends and my family live in the US, where I''d make more money and have a less expensive cost of living than here in London...so then I just think I''m over-thinking things.
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So, what do you all think? Do you think that there''s usually something wrong with a relationship that isn''t ''easy''? Feel free to comment on my situation or other examples if you have them!
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Gwen, I equate hard (in the sense you have been seeing) with DRAMA. I don''t equate hard with good ole fashioned commitment and work.
 
Ditto to TravelingGal.

Gwen, from everything you''ve written about your relationship with J, I don''t think anything I''m going to write applies to you. Lol. It sounds like you two work very well together and realize that putting forth the effort to be together is incredibly worth it. I just want to get up on my soapbox because I have some friends who justify their bad relationships by saying that relationships take work. I''ve used that excuse in the past, so I know it can be an excuse

I think I learned in my current relationship that things don''t have to be hard and, in fact, they should be pretty easy, even when times are tough. I think they take work, but it''s the kind of work you do in your garden, or taking care of pets or children: sure it''s work, but you don''t mind because it''s sooo worth it (and really, it doesn''t feel like work at all the majority of the time). If it just feels like work (the kind you do because you need a paycheck) then it''s probably not the right relationship. Like TravelingGal said, if it''s just drama, then that''s not the kind of work that is worth it.

I''ll qualify my statements by say that in long term relationships/marriages, things can happen that may require you to work hard for the relationship, but my comments are more about people who have been together <10 years. If it''s that much work up front, what''s the point? Your relationship should make you happy and less stressed out, not more stressed. I love FI because he''s so easy to be with and drama free. I guess we "work" to spend time together and be together, but it honestly doesn''t feel like work at all. Ask me in 10 years and maybe I''ll be singing a different tune
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but I sure hope not.
 
NOPE. There is a big distinction between a not-so-easy relationship and a bad relationship. I say that because mine is of the "not-so-easy" sort.

We are completely different-- my personality challenges his, as his does mine (remember, he's ADHD and I'm the control freak...just imagine all the drama, b/c we have experienced it!). However, the fact that we are opposites is one of the reasons we love eachother so much; and I'm talking polar opposites. I look at my brother as an example of the other side of the spectrum. He and his wife seem made for eachother because they are usually the smooth sailing, always smiling and calm sort. But IMO, thats not to say they're relationship is healthier or better, its just different. We like the sparks that fly in our relationship...we like to "go at it," at times...we definitely love to disagree. That's us. But no matter what, we NEVER lose the respect or the love we have for one another. I think that is the difference. In bad relationships there is a lack of something very important. Whether thats respect, honesty, affection, love, friendship, etc. If you are missing a key ingredient to a healthy relationship, it will suffer tremendously.

Yours is a difference in culture, upbringing, and environments. And don't get me wrong, those are not always easy to overcome...but that doesn't mean they're bad. Its just an opportunity for learning and growth, both of which can be a challenge.
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Great thread/question!


My answer would be yes and no LOL.


In your case, you are flexible, you are open to new cultures and new things. You don’t dismiss the feelings of your FF and his family just because you don’t get it. So even though it isn’t easy, you have what it takes to make it work.


In other cases, one that I’m thinking of in particular, you can just tell from what is written that there is no desire to meet people half way. They don’t care about the feelings of the bf and/or the family. It’s just hard and they don’t care about fixing themselves to make things easy.


In your case, its still a great relationship. In the latter, they just need to move on.


My personal belief is you do your part and exhaust all of your resources. If the other person doesn’t want to come around, then you decide what to do.
 
(herein, you = you general, not you specific)

I think it depends on the kind of 'hard'. Every relationship requires sacrifice. You also learn a lot about yourself and the other person in the course of a relationship, and confronting yourself and your self concepts can be VERY HARD. Dealing with someone else's family can be hard (whether it is siblings, or parents or children, or exes). These are the types of things that are hard, but not necessarily negative in a relationship, but hardships you can opt for or opt out of.

Problematic 'hard' can be things like lying, cheating, disrespect, physical and emotional abuse. Addictions.

Things that can go either way, but are also 'hard' are maturity, mild financial hiccups, career issues, mental or physical health issues... if you are young enough or patient enough to wait while these issues are resolved, then more power to you.

It seems to me if we avoided everything 'hard', we wouldn't be an ANY relationship for very long. Life is full of difficult things... education, career, kids, pets, health, etc.

Only the person in the relationship knows their own capacity, how hard the relationship is and whether it is worth it. You can tell by how fatigued the relationship makes you feel, how stifled or constrained, how unhappy or dissatisfied, or even your level of receptiveness to other people. If your relationship doesn't make you better, it might be too hard.

Just my .02

ETA: Your relationship should enhance you BOTH, not just one person.
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Ditto TGal in that I think hard=dramatic. Ditto elrohwen in that it shouldn''t be hard work to stay together after only a few years.

I don''t know. After I broke up with my last ex my mom told me she was glad because it shouldn''t have to be so hard. It really clicked even though I don''t really have a concrete definition for it. Maybe trying to stay together even though it''s detrimental to one or both members of the relationship? Yeah, I''m going with that.
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And no Gwen, I don''t think your relationship is the bad hard.
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Hey Gwen! I think that every single relationship has it''s ups and downs and no, it is not "bad" if a relationship is "hard". All relationships are hard, not only love relationships but even those with family and friends as well. When things go wrong or you have a fight/argument, try to work it out. I don''t like those people that just give up! But I know you are not like that so I think, from what I know so far about you
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is that you are in a healthy relationship with your man. So keep on goin and you know you have us at PS to talk to!
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There is a difference between hard and diffucult.

I think relationships are hard in general. You have to get used to whats happening around you, in your realtionship and take it as it comes.

Difficult however is something completely different. If you put more effort than what you get in return then its diffucult. Ify ou have some hard work in it and then you get a decent return then its just hard work. Its work. Not easy. Not hard.

The effort of what you put in is what you get out of it.
 
Date: 11/25/2008 3:10:27 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Gwen, I equate hard (in the sense you have been seeing) with DRAMA. I don''t equate hard with good ole fashioned commitment and work.

Agreed. I think drama filled relationships are often not great, but hard ones are just that sometimes, hard.
 
Date: 11/25/2008 3:26:19 PM
Author: elrohwen
Ditto to TravelingGal.

Gwen, from everything you''ve written about your relationship with J, I don''t think anything I''m going to write applies to you. Lol. It sounds like you two work very well together and realize that putting forth the effort to be together is incredibly worth it. I just want to get up on my soapbox because I have some friends who justify their bad relationships by saying that relationships take work. I''ve used that excuse in the past, so I know it can be an excuse

I think I learned in my current relationship that things don''t have to be hard and, in fact, they should be pretty easy, even when times are tough. I think they take work, but it''s the kind of work you do in your garden, or taking care of pets or children: sure it''s work, but you don''t mind because it''s sooo worth it (and really, it doesn''t feel like work at all the majority of the time). If it just feels like work (the kind you do because you need a paycheck) then it''s probably not the right relationship. Like TravelingGal said, if it''s just drama, then that''s not the kind of work that is worth it.

I''ll qualify my statements by say that in long term relationships/marriages, things can happen that may require you to work hard for the relationship, but my comments are more about people who have been together <10 years. If it''s that much work up front, what''s the point? Your relationship should make you happy and less stressed out, not more stressed. I love FI because he''s so easy to be with and drama free. I guess we ''work'' to spend time together and be together, but it honestly doesn''t feel like work at all. Ask me in 10 years and maybe I''ll be singing a different tune
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but I sure hope not.

Ditto to elrohwen. I think that if you''re feeling like you''re putting in a ton of effort, going above and beyond and doing grunt work to make your relationship work, then it''s not healthy. If doing little things here and there to make your relationship run smoothly feels natural and completely worth it...then it''s worth it.

One of my friends once told me that if he was truly happy, he was just settling. At first I was like, huh!??!?!
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After much thought, I started to understand his point, which was that if you''re sitting in contentment then you''re not challenging yourself and you''re not striving to achieve bigger and better (on a personal level...not a monetary or even a diamond level
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). There''s a bright and sparkly area between always wanting more and being happy with what you have, so I have to somewhat agree with him. ''Working'' for a relationship is not always a bad thing. It just means that you''re moving towards the best outcome for the both of you. hope that makes sense :).
 
Nope! I''m in the same situation you''re in, Gwen. It''s hard work and I think I''ll always feel pulled in two directions. Working hard at a relationship is normal. Drama and pushing or pulling the other person into something is the bad kind of hard. It sounds like you and J work together to get things done and make decisions, that''s the good kind of hard.
 
Date: 11/25/2008 3:51:25 PM
Author: sammyj

Date: 11/25/2008 3:26:19 PM
Author: elrohwen
Ditto to TravelingGal.

Gwen, from everything you''ve written about your relationship with J, I don''t think anything I''m going to write applies to you. Lol. It sounds like you two work very well together and realize that putting forth the effort to be together is incredibly worth it. I just want to get up on my soapbox because I have some friends who justify their bad relationships by saying that relationships take work. I''ve used that excuse in the past, so I know it can be an excuse

I think I learned in my current relationship that things don''t have to be hard and, in fact, they should be pretty easy, even when times are tough. I think they take work, but it''s the kind of work you do in your garden, or taking care of pets or children: sure it''s work, but you don''t mind because it''s sooo worth it (and really, it doesn''t feel like work at all the majority of the time). If it just feels like work (the kind you do because you need a paycheck) then it''s probably not the right relationship. Like TravelingGal said, if it''s just drama, then that''s not the kind of work that is worth it.

I''ll qualify my statements by say that in long term relationships/marriages, things can happen that may require you to work hard for the relationship, but my comments are more about people who have been together <10 years. If it''s that much work up front, what''s the point? Your relationship should make you happy and less stressed out, not more stressed. I love FI because he''s so easy to be with and drama free. I guess we ''work'' to spend time together and be together, but it honestly doesn''t feel like work at all. Ask me in 10 years and maybe I''ll be singing a different tune
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but I sure hope not.


Ditto to elrohwen. I think that if you''re feeling like you''re putting in a ton of effort, going above and beyond and doing grunt work to make your relationship work, then it''s not healthy. If doing little things here and there to make your relationship run smoothly feels natural and completely worth it...then it''s worth it.

One of my friends once told me that if he was truly happy, he was just settling. At first I was like, huh!??!?!
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After much thought, I started to understand his point, which was that if you''re sitting in contentment then you''re not challenging yourself and you''re not striving to achieve bigger and better (on a personal level...not a monetary or even a diamond level
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). There''s a bright and sparkly area between always wanting more and being happy with what you have, so I have to somewhat agree with him. ''Working'' for a relationship is not always a bad thing. It just means that you''re moving towards the best outcome for the both of you. hope that makes sense :).
So by that logic, you can never be happy. That''s kind of sad.

I hear your friend''s comment and I think classic case of commitment-phobia. LOL
 
Date: 11/25/2008 3:57:31 PM
Author: fieryred33143

So by that logic, you can never be happy. That''s kind of sad.

I hear your friend''s comment and I think classic case of commitment-phobia. LOL
I see where you''re coming from fieryred, but the comment was made out of the context of relationships...should have mentioned that. I did think it was sad too that he thought being totally happy equated settling...I think it has more to do with a disbelief in perfection and pure happiness??? He is quite the pessimist.

In the context of a relationship though, I think it''s important to realize that just because things aren''t peachy perfect all the time, it doesn''t mean it''s not working.
 
Date: 11/25/2008 3:10:27 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Gwen, I equate hard (in the sense you have been seeing) with DRAMA. I don''t equate hard with good ole fashioned commitment and work.
I completely agree with that statement. Relationships with drama is not healthy, but relationships that need a lot of committment is not unhealthy one bit. Mr. Kama and I were in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years. It was a hard relationship because I was going through SO much family drama (THAT would be a hard relationship, which is why I severed ties with certain members of my family) and because we were so busy with university and didn''t have much time/money to visit each other. I would say I put in so much more committment and work on this relationship than I had in any of my previous ones, because I knew this guy was someone entirely special to me. And I''m glad I did. We had one heck of a rough ride, but we fought through odds to be with each other, and now we''re in the same city living under the same roof getting married. Also, let me also tell you that since our relationship was harder than usual, we spent a lot of time understanding each other in the beginning of our relationship (when most others in the beginning of a new relationship would instead be going for a movie) - I feel that we had that added advantage to us.

What you''re feeling is absolutely understandable - it''s just not about moving to a different city, but more so that you''re moving for someone and if that someone is ''worth'' the trouble, since you are essentially putting yourself in a vulnerable situation. So what you''re feeling is what any mature individual would. I dont think there''s anything wrong with a ''hard'' relationship, it''s the actual relationship that matters most! :)
 
Date: 11/25/2008 4:02:26 PM
Author: sammyj

Date: 11/25/2008 3:57:31 PM
Author: fieryred33143

So by that logic, you can never be happy. That''s kind of sad.

I hear your friend''s comment and I think classic case of commitment-phobia. LOL
I see where you''re coming from fieryred, but the comment was made out of the context of relationships...should have mentioned that. I did think it was sad too that he thought being totally happy equated settling...I think it has more to do with a disbelief in perfection and pure happiness??? He is quite the pessimist.

In the context of a relationship though, I think it''s important to realize that just because things aren''t peachy perfect all the time, it doesn''t mean it''s not working.
Oh I see. Then I agree because as soon as I feel content with a job, I usually start scoping out the positions available. For me, its because I get bored. Sorry for the threadjack Gwen!
 
Ahhh Qwen - not in the least!

Relationships should challenge you to grow but the important part of that is to grow as a couple which you and J have certainly been doing together! Challenging relationships, or some which have obstacles to overcome are some of the best relationships because you''ve truly had to work together to get to the finish line. To me, that''s the truest test; not how easy or complicated the journey is but how you chose to make the journey completely your own - just the two of you.
 
Gwennie, from what you''ve shared of your relationship, it sounds like a good kind of hard.

I have to agree that when I hear "hard" I generally think "drama", and when I think "drama" I think "bad". Semantics aside, however, I think different things work for different people. I know couples who often seem to be at odds with each other, and fight a lot, but it somehow works for them.

For me, it has been so easy to be with my husband. We''ve only been together for about four and a half years now, and we''ve been married since July, so it hasn''t been ages yet. BUT, since we''ve been together I''ve felt supported and strong and happy, and basically like the best version of myself possible. That''s not to say that we never disagree or argue, because we do, but overall it is extremely easy being married to him because fundamentally, we are on each other''s side no matter what. We''re extremely different people, we have very different temperaments and mannerisms, but for some reason that doesn''t make it hard for us to be together.

I''ve actually often thought of how much of a non-issue it has been to live together and be married. The transition wasn''t hard at all, and I LOVE living with him (good thing, huh?) People are always asking me what it''s like being married, or if we''re having a tough time because "the first year is always the hardest" and I really have nothing to say. It''s super easy, and it''s a lot of fun.

I guess I haven''t really answered your question. I think it can be good or it can be bad, and it all depends on what you want and need from your partner and your relationship.
 
There is a big difference between relationships that have outside influences (long distance, school, work) that create difficulties to be overcome, and those which have internal strife (which likely will not be overcome).

When a couple are not on the same page with personal space, money, drinking, goals, or serious issues with parents, I think they are hard/bad in a possibly unhealthy way.
 
Hmmm...Good question.

From my experience, I have been in "hard" relationships. The reason they were "hard'' is because *I* was the only person trying to make it work.

My current relationship is not easy. It definitely requires some degree of work - time, patience, good communication, and understanding. But the difference in this one and the previous ones is that the things that we need to be successful come easy to us. I don''t have to put in hard work at this relationship. When we have our disagreements, I am confident that he is going to stick around and work through whatever with me.
 
bad is just bad. i think there are different meanings of hard. one can be hard as in its hard for you to get along and things just seem to be working against the relationship. the other hard is that things are not as easy as they could be but you work for it because the love is there. so to answer your question hard that you cant get along=bad, otherwise everything is good.
 
Lately, on my 45-minute commute to work in the AM, I''ve taken to listening to Dr. Laura on the radio. I know, she can be rather tough on people, but she makes some good points. Very often, even if I find her rude, I have to agree with what she is saying. And I think she would say this: if the relationship is ''hard'', someone or both are not communicating, not listening, not caring about the other, focused solely on themselves, refusing to accept blame for their own faults, and unwilling to accept mea culpas from the other person.

If you love someone, it should not be ''hard'' to love them. Love is not having a ''hearts and flowers mushy'' reaction to the other person; love is accepting the other person, foibles and all. Love is wanting the best for them at all times. Love is always being kind (when there is no reason to be otherwise), always finding middle ground, always putting the needs of the other person right up there next to your own -- and often above your own.

Love is not ''putting up with'' anyone. Love is not ''adjusting'' to anyone. Love is not ''changing'' someone. Love is not ''changing for'' someone. Love is not ''rearranging your values'' for someone. Love is not ''wishing they were different''. Love is about mutual respect, care, and concern. Anything less is not love. It''s not ''hard'' to love; it''s hard to find the right person to love.
 
Hmmm....

FF and I have it easy I think. We rarely argue, we have our dependence on each other, but also our independence too. I know that I do things I may not want to do because they make him happy or because he'll appreciate it. And he certainly does the same for me.

What is a relationship? A partnership with some romance and love thrown in?

What does one take to work? I think it's cooperation, respect, admiration, commitment, common goals and plenty more stuff (like what other people have said.) When those things don't exist, or only exist partially in a relationship, walls are built, and resentment builds.

One thing that really stands out to me is that a lack of being selfish in a relationship is paramount. It is all about give and take. So cliched, but still true. If you are happy to give of yourself to your partner, and your partner is happy to give of themselves to you, in a relatively equal manner, then harmony is usually not far off.

To me, I think resentment comes into play when things are hard. When you (the collective you) do something for your SO that you don't want to do, but you hold it against him for some reason or another--that is hard. That is something that boils up and makes something worse in the long run.

Let me give you an example (that is shortened)...My best friends are involved. They've been together for over a year and a half. They are unlike anyone the other one has dated before. He's very laid back, easy going, does whatever he wants whenever he wants. She's a bit more high maintenance, a little rigid in her scheduling, and not exactly easy going. (Can you tell I don't know how to describe her personality traits?) For the entirety of their relationship they've been having conflicts because he likes to stay out late at night working on cars, playing video games with his friends, hanging out at his parent's house. She likes to have him home (they live across the parking lot from each other-her living alone, and him with his BFF--but he stays at her place most of the time.) by a reasonable time, and she likes to know where he is and what he's doing, because she gets worried if he's not home by when she thought he would be. So she complains a bit about him hanging out with his friends. He takes this to mean that she doesn't like his friends. They fight about it. He thinks she doesn't want him hanging out with his friends, she doesn't understand why he doesn't think it's reasonable to let her know what he's up to. They both complain to me. It has been over a year of this.

It's hard for me! I know it's hard for them! I'm a psych major with most of my background in relationship and family bs, and I have intuition about how to fix things and how things work (exclusively with people). I can see that because they don't agree on something, and neither can look at it from the other's perspective, and they won't communicate properly or compromise with each other. I've told them both how they need to adapt, and how they could fix things, but neither of them takes it to heart and listens to what I'm saying. I helped the guy write a "Let me explain my position and here's my apology" letter, instead of him just sending what he had written (which probably would have just P-ed her off) and she told me later that that letter had made her cry because it was so sweet and touching. And yet, they still don't listen to me. Whatever, I'm off the subject at hand and ranting...

Reining myself back in...their relationship is hard. I don't know that they can make it work without professional intervention. I don't know that their relationship will survive. There is drama (mostly for me!) and there is a lot of stress, and unfortunately a lot of heartache and unhappiness. I love them both, and I want them to be happy-if it's together, or if it is apart. But the main thing I see that is a problem, and will continue being a problem is resentment. He resents that she likes to know when he'll be home and that he thinks she's trying to take away his freedom. She resents that he thinks she's trying to take away his freedom, and that he won't see things from her perspective. And that resentment is what keeps bringing the fight back. They don't fight about anything else! It's just this, and until someone resolves something, it will always fester.

Gwen, from everything you've written, I think that you and J have the good hard. I think that you make a great team, and that you're both able and willing to work as a team--which is so so so important.

But yes, there is hard that equals bad. I've been there myself in previous relationships. The crying myself to sleep at night, the screaming matches, the insecurity, the general unhappiness...It's not something I wish for anyone. And I think we've seen quite a bit of it here on this board sometimes.

I have a bit more to say, but I think I've written enough... (But Gwen, from what I know of you and J, I don't think you have anything to worry about.)
 
There''s a difference between a hard situation and a hard relationship, IMHO. There are hard situations in your relationship with J, but I doubt the relationship between you is hard. It seems like you two love and respect each other, and accept the person beneath the (sometimes annoying) cultural differences. Coming from different cultures, living in a different country, or being far away from your family are all hard situations, and they can strain a relationship. However, I don''t believe they make the relationship hard unless you stop seeing the person behind and beyond the situation, if that makes any sense.

Example: BF has grown up in the same house his entire life. I''ve never stayed any place longer than four years. It''s put us in some difficult situations (when either of us accidentally insults the other one with a thoughtless comment, figuring out how we want to live and raise any children we might have, understanding each other''s friendships) but the relationship has always been easy. It''s always been easy to love the person he is, even when he frustrates me. I loved the person he was even when facing situations that could have easily broken us up. I love and respect him, and he does the same for me, and so the relationship itself is easy, even when life is hard.

IMO, it''s when you (general "you") find yourself struggling to love the whole person that you know the relationship is going nowhere fast.
 
I agree with the above. Your relationship is one part of your life, and life is not always easy. Your relationship impacts your life choices, and the situations that come up as a result of those choices impact your relationship. The question is if there is a positive impact or a negative impact.

I am currenty going through some tough stuff at work, that started shortly after my BF and I started dating. He started out thinking he had a girl with a sucessful career who had it easy, 2 mo later, we both find out that was not the case at all. He has done nothing but help me. Not just support me, but go the extra mile. Things have not been easy, but my the only good thing about my situation is that my relationship has gotten stronger. I have started to trust my BF more than anyone elce. And although he does not tend to do the old fashion things too much (flowers ect), he has done more than anyone to truly help me get what out of life, which shows me that he really cares about what is important to me. We have had our moments where my situation has caused some friction, but we have over come it.

The above is a hard situation, but not a bad one in terms of the relationship. Now lets say I was having a tough time at work and all I got was "figure it out." "I can''t see what the problem is," than that would be a relationship going in the wrong direction.
 
Wow, ladies, some very thoughtful responses. Thank you very much for weighing in on the topic.
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Date: 11/25/2008 7:17:08 PM
Author: HollyS
Lately, on my 45-minute commute to work in the AM, I''ve taken to listening to Dr. Laura on the radio. I know, she can be rather tough on people, but she makes some good points. Very often, even if I find her rude, I have to agree with what she is saying. And I think she would say this: if the relationship is ''hard'', someone or both are not communicating, not listening, not caring about the other, focused solely on themselves, refusing to accept blame for their own faults, and unwilling to accept mea culpas from the other person.


If you love someone, it should not be ''hard'' to love them. Love is not having a ''hearts and flowers mushy'' reaction to the other person; love is accepting the other person, foibles and all. Love is wanting the best for them at all times. Love is always being kind (when there is no reason to be otherwise), always finding middle ground, always putting the needs of the other person right up there next to your own -- and often above your own.


Love is not ''putting up with'' anyone. Love is not ''adjusting'' to anyone. Love is not ''changing'' someone. Love is not ''changing for'' someone. Love is not ''rearranging your values'' for someone. Love is not ''wishing they were different''. Love is about mutual respect, care, and concern. Anything less is not love. It''s not ''hard'' to love; it''s hard to find the right person to love.
Out of curiosity, Holly, is this in response to the title of the thread or the whole first post I wrote? I''m asking because the factors you list as ''hard'' don''t really seem to correspond to the original post, I don''t think.
 
gwennie --

i know i''m late to the party, but i''ve been trying not to PS so much because i really should be studying.. which leads me to your question -- is "hard" the same as "bad?"

i don''t know if this is exactly the right phrasing, but this expression comes to mind: anything worth having in life is worth working hard for.

this is true of relationships, just like it is of what you''ve done educationally!! when you uprooted and moved to London to pursue higher education I''m sure that wasn''t easy. But I''m also sure it changed you for the better!! from what i''ve read of your relationship with J, it sounds like it IS easy in all of the important ways -- you get along well with his family, you love and support each other, and you make each other happy!! every relationship has challenges, and yours with J seem to be the easy sort!! (i.e., not about family, values, respect, goals, etc.) Hope that helps!

v*
 
Hands up anybody who thinks their relationship is P*E*R*F*E*C*T?

I don''t think there is any relationship that is perfect, certainly not easy. Very little in life is easy, not even simple 5 step sponge cake recipes. Not unless you are 10 and date the boy beside you for lunch break only.
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Have confidence in yourself and your relationship. You will *know* if things are not as they should be.
 
My first husband was hard. There was such fire and passion between the two of us. But we were so incompatiable. We didnt want to admit it because, well, the sex was good. We lasted 5 years before I left. Each incident of drama cause my heart to slip just a little until I eventually grew tired. The effort I was putting in just wasnt worth it any more.

I am now 43 and with my second husband and it IS easy. He is a physician and I work for the airlines, so our schedules take effort to coordinate, but it is still so much easier than being with my first husband.
 
Date: 11/26/2008 7:37:50 AM
Author: gwendolyn
Wow, ladies, some very thoughtful responses. Thank you very much for weighing in on the topic.
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Date: 11/25/2008 7:17:08 PM
Author: HollyS
Lately, on my 45-minute commute to work in the AM, I''ve taken to listening to Dr. Laura on the radio. I know, she can be rather tough on people, but she makes some good points. Very often, even if I find her rude, I have to agree with what she is saying. And I think she would say this: if the relationship is ''hard'', someone or both are not communicating, not listening, not caring about the other, focused solely on themselves, refusing to accept blame for their own faults, and unwilling to accept mea culpas from the other person.


If you love someone, it should not be ''hard'' to love them. Love is not having a ''hearts and flowers mushy'' reaction to the other person; love is accepting the other person, foibles and all. Love is wanting the best for them at all times. Love is always being kind (when there is no reason to be otherwise), always finding middle ground, always putting the needs of the other person right up there next to your own -- and often above your own.


Love is not ''putting up with'' anyone. Love is not ''adjusting'' to anyone. Love is not ''changing'' someone. Love is not ''changing for'' someone. Love is not ''rearranging your values'' for someone. Love is not ''wishing they were different''. Love is about mutual respect, care, and concern. Anything less is not love. It''s not ''hard'' to love; it''s hard to find the right person to love.
Out of curiosity, Holly, is this in response to the title of the thread or the whole first post I wrote? I''m asking because the factors you list as ''hard'' don''t really seem to correspond to the original post, I don''t think.

I guess I was expounding on the thought that TGal shared -- circumstances can be hard, but the relationship shouldn''t be. In your case, the circumstances and distance, as well as the feeling of being less at home in a foreign country certainly contribute to your feeling that ''maintaining'' the relationship is hard. But, from what you have posted, here and in the past, I think you don''t necessarily carry that into the relationship; and that''s a good thing. Look very carefully, however, at how much ''circumstances'' can impact attitude and a sense of security, and make sure you are both comfortable and on the same page about how to handle the stress it does bring to the relationship.

You''ve always sounded like a well-grounded person, and I''m sure you''re dealing with your situation as well as anyone could.
 
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