If a relationship is ''hard,'' does that mean it''s ''bad?''

[CNOS128]

Date: 11/25/2008 7:17:08 PM
Author: HollyS
Lately, on my 45-minute commute to work in the AM, I''ve taken to listening to Dr. Laura on the radio. I know, she can be rather tough on people, but she makes some good points. Very often, even if I find her rude, I have to agree with what she is saying. And I think she would say this: if the relationship is ''hard'', someone or both are not communicating, not listening, not caring about the other, focused solely on themselves, refusing to accept blame for their own faults, and unwilling to accept mea culpas from the other person.


If you love someone, it should not be ''hard'' to love them. Love is not having a ''hearts and flowers mushy'' reaction to the other person; love is accepting the other person, foibles and all. Love is wanting the best for them at all times. Love is always being kind (when there is no reason to be otherwise), always finding middle ground, always putting the needs of the other person right up there next to your own -- and often above your own.


Love is not ''putting up with'' anyone. Love is not ''adjusting'' to anyone. Love is not ''changing'' someone. Love is not ''changing for'' someone. Love is not ''rearranging your values'' for someone. Love is not ''wishing they were different''. Love is about mutual respect, care, and concern. Anything less is not love. It''s not ''hard'' to love; it''s hard to find the right person to love.

While I think it''s true that "love" shouldn''t require you to adjust to someone or put up with them, etc, etc, -- if you do love someone, you may have to adjust to certain aspects of being with them, and you may have to learn to put up with certain things they do. I''m not talking about "putting up with" him staying out all night or not returning your phone calls -- I''m talking about things like him leaving his socks on the living room floor or replacing the toilet paper on the spindle when it''s used up. I think it''s unrealistic and honestly somewhat naive to think there will be no adjustment involved in starting a life with someone else, or learning how to communicate effectively with that person. It doesn''t have to be difficult, but sometimes these things do take work, and this doesn''t mean it''s a bad relationship.

Anyway -- to Gwen - I''ve often wondered what I would do if my relationship required me to move to another country (a friend just married and moved, literally, halfway around the world from all her friends and family), and I''m not certain how I would handle that, especially early on in the marriage. That''s a lot of outside stress. My friend''s situation made me realize just how much she loves her husband and believes in him. (By the way, they go through times when they fight a lot, particularly over uncertainties in their future, and are also one of the happiest, most supportive couples I''ve known. Go figure.). Not very good advice to you, I know, but what you describe doesn''t sound like a "bad" relationship. It sounds just the way you describe it - like you''re being pulled in two different directions.

 

[trillionaire]

I have a friend. She has an on again off again relationship with a guy who never does what he says, is immature and insecure. My friend is a wonderful woman, beautiful and intelligent, and now she has major trust issues, she thinks nothing of lying to him to protect herself, she is resentful and acts immaturely towards him. It is hard for them to maintain their ''relationship'' and it''s a BAD decision. But she''s lonely, so she does it, even though they live in different states. Hard can make you grow or shrink.

This guy makes her a smaller, lesser version of herself, and that is bad.

 

[JulieN]

In short, yes.

But your relationship is not hard, from what I understand. Your relationship's situation/circumstances are hard. That is totally different.

Whatever else I think has already been said.

 

[gwendolyn]

I think the real inspiration for this thread was based on the fact that sometimes I feel frustrated with little things, like that I leave him notes about what's going on (how my day was, when the groceries will be delivered, that sort of thing to keep him in the loop because we work opposite shifts and some days don't talk to each other because of it) and he almost never writes me back. If I ask him, he tells me, but it irks me that he almost never does it of his own initiative, so I end up feeling responsible for following up on everything. Not a huge deal, but some days it gets under my skin.

Because I feel I am giving up a lot to be with him and to give our life together a real try before marriage, I sometimes feel the little things more than I might otherwise. It's almost like, "I'm living here in another country an ocean away from my family and friends, and he can't even ____?!" Which isn't fair of me--no one forced me here, I moved of my own accord, I'm a grown up and can leave any time if that's my decision, etc. But sometimes I feel like things are hard because, in the back of my head, there's always this feeling of missing home that makes me react like things are a bigger deal than they are. Which I don't like, but am working on.

The last time we had a disagreement, I told him that I'd like us to go for couples' counseling when we can afford it and before we get engaged. I know things will never be perfect because, hey, we live in the real world but also because I am way more emotionally sensitive than most and he's way less, but I do think things could go smoother if we talk to a counselor. So, that's the plan, and of course I'm going to try to keep the line between relationship strains and missing-home strains clear. But it's, well, hard.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 11/27/2008 1:26:06 PM
Author: gwendolyn
I think the real inspiration for this thread was based on the fact that sometimes I feel frustrated with little things, like that I leave him notes about what''s going on (how my day was, when the groceries will be delivered, that sort of thing to keep him in the loop because we work opposite shifts and some days don''t talk to each other because of it) and he almost never writes me back. If I ask him, he tells me, but it irks me that he almost never does it of his own initiative, so I end up feeling responsible for following up on everything. Not a huge deal, but some days it gets under my skin.

Because I feel I am giving up a lot to be with him and to give our life together a real try before marriage, I sometimes feel the little things more than I might otherwise. It''s almost like, ''I''m living here in another country an ocean away from my family and friends, and he can''t even ____?!'' Which isn''t fair of me--no one forced me here, I moved of my own accord, I''m a grown up and can leave any time if that''s my decision, etc. But sometimes I feel like things are hard because, in the back of my head, there''s always this feeling of missing home that makes me react like things are a bigger deal than they are. Which I don''t like, but am working on.

The last time we had a disagreement, I told him that I''d like us to go for couples'' counseling when we can afford it and before we get engaged. I know things will never be perfect because, hey, we live in the real world but also because I am way more emotionally sensitive than most and he''s way less, but I do think things could go smoother if we talk to a counselor. So, that''s the plan, and of course I''m going to try to keep the line between relationship strains and missing-home strains clear. But it''s, well, hard.

I can certainly relate. SO and I have been long distance for 4 years.

When I have strong responses to small issues, I try using the, "How ridiculous would I sound if this was the reason that we broke up" litmus test. For example, SO works and keeps weird hours, so he falls asleep A LOT. Anywhere, any time. And it doesn''t bother me 98% of the time. 2 of the time, it infuriates me. And it usually has more to do with me than with him, if I am being honest. I think that the longer you are in a relationship, the more you have the, "wow, this is exactly what I am getting" feeling, which is great when you are happy, and a little nerve wracking when you are frustrated. Just remember how much you are loved, and his flexibility and willingness to move to the US, and especially his willingness to address relationship issues via counseling! (priceless!) If find that my expectations and needs cause more stress when they are not explicit, and I don''t like having to tell SO what I want or need all of the time, but he is (and men are generally) good at meeting expectations when they know what they are concretely. Women seem to be a little better at knowing what their partner wants and needs without it having to be said.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/27/2008 2:00:15 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 11/27/2008 1:26:06 PM

Author: gwendolyn

I think the real inspiration for this thread was based on the fact that sometimes I feel frustrated with little things, like that I leave him notes about what''s going on (how my day was, when the groceries will be delivered, that sort of thing to keep him in the loop because we work opposite shifts and some days don''t talk to each other because of it) and he almost never writes me back. If I ask him, he tells me, but it irks me that he almost never does it of his own initiative, so I end up feeling responsible for following up on everything. Not a huge deal, but some days it gets under my skin.


Because I feel I am giving up a lot to be with him and to give our life together a real try before marriage, I sometimes feel the little things more than I might otherwise. It''s almost like, ''I''m living here in another country an ocean away from my family and friends, and he can''t even ____?!'' Which isn''t fair of me--no one forced me here, I moved of my own accord, I''m a grown up and can leave any time if that''s my decision, etc. But sometimes I feel like things are hard because, in the back of my head, there''s always this feeling of missing home that makes me react like things are a bigger deal than they are. Which I don''t like, but am working on.


The last time we had a disagreement, I told him that I''d like us to go for couples'' counseling when we can afford it and before we get engaged. I know things will never be perfect because, hey, we live in the real world but also because I am way more emotionally sensitive than most and he''s way less, but I do think things could go smoother if we talk to a counselor. So, that''s the plan, and of course I''m going to try to keep the line between relationship strains and missing-home strains clear. But it''s, well, hard.

I can certainly relate. SO and I have been long distance for 4 years.

When I have strong responses to small issues, I try using the, ''How ridiculous would I sound if this was the reason that we broke up'' litmus test. For example, SO works and keeps weird hours, so he falls asleep A LOT. Anywhere, any time. And it doesn''t bother me 98% of the time. 2 of the time, it infuriates me. And it usually has more to do with me than with him, if I am being honest. I think that the longer you are in a relationship, the more you have the, ''wow, this is exactly what I am getting'' feeling, which is great when you are happy, and a little nerve wracking when you are frustrated. Just remember how much you are loved, and his flexibility and willingness to move to the US, and especially his willingness to address relationship issues via counseling! (priceless!) If find that my expectations and needs cause more stress when they are not explicit, and I don''t like having to tell SO what I want or need all of the time, but he is (and men are generally) good at meeting expectations when they know what they are concretely. Women seem to be a little better at knowing what their partner wants and needs without it having to be said.

Thanks, Trillion, that helps.

We were long-distance internationally for almost 3 years before we upgraded to being ''only'' long-distance by some 200 miles but in the same country. The whole reason I''ve insisted we live together and take things kind of slowly (he wants to get engaged now) is because I had to be sure we''d be compatible living together. Sometimes I do think that my expectations are too high and I should chill out on him, and other times I think there''s some basis to my frustrations and makes me ask myself if I want to live my life this way. I think the answer will probably be ''yes,'' but I''m still not totally sure.