If your in-laws criticize your spouse, how do you react?

[Shoopy]

If they criticize your spouse and the criticism is valid and reasonable but you know that your spouse is bothered by what they say:

Do you tend to agree with them?
Do you not say anything because the "argument" is between parents and their child?
Do you try to defend your spouse because you know that he/she is embarrassed/bothered/hurt by what they are saying?

 

[crystalheart1]

My MIL has a habit of critizing EVERYONE behind their back... including my spouse to me. But she is sweet to him to his face.

They are very passive aggressive... I know that is how she is, the first time I met her she started to complain about her daughter to me... Knowing this ( and the fact that she is talking about me as well ) I try to stay out of it and just let her
talk...Or interject positive things about my DH.

 

[crystalheart1]

I just saw the part about the issues being valid..
I would try to focus on the positive aspects, and stay out of it.

It is a bit general, but it is difficult to say since I do not know what the specifics are regarding your post.

It is always best not to get in the middle of things, or comment

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 7/29/2009 1:59:23 PM
Author:fiery

If they criticize your spouse and the criticism is valid and reasonable but you know that your spouse is bothered by what they say:

Do you tend to agree with them?
Do you not say anything because the ''argument'' is between parents and their child?
Do you try to defend your spouse because you know that he/she is embarrassed/bothered/hurt by what they are saying?

I think I would drop dead right then and there; my in-laws think their son is perfect in every way. But if for some reason they were to criticize him and I knew it bothered him, I would defend him, even if only by suggesting they could speak to him in a different time/place/manner.

 

[tyty333]

If the criticism is true I probably wouldnt say anything (or if anything I might say that he is an adult and can
make his on decision/mistakes as he chooses). He is the one that has to live with them.

If it was false I would stand up for him and defend him.

Luckily for me my in-laws have very little (if anything) to criticize my husband about.

 

[elle_chris]

My mother always criticizes my home, how i dress, my hair etc. That's just the way she is. I've learned to ignore it most of the time.

When she does it around my husband, he tries to keep the situation light and will make a few jokes. Or, my dad steps in and tells her to lay off. She usually stops after that. I think if the spouse wants to say something, it's all in the presentation. Don't be defensive with the in laws, and don't attack them. Try to keep it light.

 

[Shoopy]

Some more details:

My FI is overweight. He knows that, I know that, anyone that sees him knows it. He isn''t necessarily "sensitive" about it. However, his mom has a really, really bad habit of mentioning how he needs to lose weight every single time she sees him. And every time includes when its just the three of us in our home, when he visits them so he''s alone, or in the middle of thanksgiving dinner with 40 guests listening to her comments. She literally yelled out to him (we sat on the other end of the long table) that he would make her so happy if he just loses weight. It was very awkward and he was extremely embarrassed by it. She also did it again in the hospital after I had my daughter in front of his family and again in front of my family when they were all in my house visiting.

Telling MIL to knock it off won''t do anything because she''s a very outspoken person with no filter and the more you tell her to stop something, the more she wants to do it. She also has the habit of turning to me and saying "right fiery, isn''t he fat and needs to lose weight? Why don''t you tell him to lose weight?" and at that point I always defend FI even though again, I know he needs to lose the weight. It just bothers me that she would do that whenever/wherever knowing that it embarrasses him. But at the same time, she''s his mom KWIM?

And by "defend" I usually just say that he''s working on it but that I think he looks great (which is true).

 

[Moh 10]

Tell them to mind their own business.
Respect me by respecting my choice of spouse.
End of discussion.

The only spouse they are allowed to criticize is their own.

Dang, people treat family members worse than strangers.

 

[Lilac]

My in-laws are extremely critical people and will find fault with EVERYTHING. I've learned to try to ignore it and DH tries to ignore it too sometimes.

If they criticize me, DH usually sticks up for me or tells them to stop. When they criticize him sometimes I tell them they're wrong or I defend him, but sometimes I just know it will lead to more hurtful criticism so I just wait until DH and I are alone to tell him I don't agree with what they said and he shouldn't take it to heart.

ETA: I have yet to hear any criticism from my in-laws that actually is VALID criticism though.

 

[crystalheart1]

Sorry but she sounds Obnoxious... It probably does not matter what you say to stand up for your husband.

I would just let her look like the fool, and not respond to her .

Why don''t you try to give her an look like - DON''T even go there. She is trying to get a reaction..ignore
her.

Or just say you would rather not discuss it.

 

[atroop711]

if my MIL says something true about her son to his face...I won''t put my 2 cents...but if it''s true and she''s being mean or embarrassing him in front of others I would say something. No one should be made to feel small. NOW if my MIL says something UNTRUE about my dh (which she has many times) I have no issue with telling and proving her wrong

 

[musey]

Luckily my parents have never criticized my spouse. My in-laws have criticized me but it wasn''t valid/reasonable - not very harshly, my FIL likes to poke fun at me, but in a really not-nice way. In that case, my husband (and I) always just completely ignored it, until I told him that it was really getting to me... then he talked to his dad and told him to lay off. FIL was simply silent around me for a long time, more than a year! Now things are better. He''s just learned that he has to interact with me like grown-ups should, as opposed to 5th graders

ETA: Just realized that somehow I read that as parents criticizing their child-in-law, whoops

sorry!

To answer your actual question... well, it''s kinda the same. We don''t really get criticism from our parents. We get advice and suggestions, but it''s not in a "you''re doing it wrong" kinda way, but rather a "we''ve been through this learning process, have you thought of __________?" kinda way.

I think in your situation, I would just gently tell my MIL that what she''s doing is really hurting her son. That he''s serious about getting healthy, but the criticism is counter-productive - which I''d bet is true, by making him feel hurt over it he may become self-conscious and possibly self-destructive (losing control because of the feelings surrounding the situation).

 

[Circe]

My in-laws are the most well-adjusted human beings whom I''ve ever met in my life, so this doesn''t apply in that direction ... but *my* folks? ''Nother story. When they criticize me in front of my husband, I tend to feel sort of ... miffed, like they''re shaming me in his eyes, and I''m quite grateful when he stands up for me, even if he does later say, "So, you dad was out of line with *how* he said what he said, but he sort of had a point ...." This is about stuff like my father saying that my skirt is too short (I. AM. THIRTY! and quite modest to boot). If it was more serious, like a discussion of how I handle my finances or something, I think I would feel the same way, though. And your MIL criticizing your husband''s weight definitely falls into this category.

Obviously, you can''t tell your MIL to put a sock in it, however tempting it might be, but I''d definitely keep standing up for him in the heat of the moment, even if I quietly encouraged him to have a salad later on while we were at home together.

 

[Bia]

Fiery, about the in-law comments thing, I usually just nod my head and secretly roll my eyes. If I completely disagree I will tell her what I think, but I''m always respectful.

I want to add that what your MIL does happens in my family too (maybe it''s cultural?). My grandmother was very outspoken when it came to appearances. She would often tell my older cousin--in front of others, at the dinner table, when the girl was physically eating something--that she was too fat and needed to lose weight. She did this at home, at parties and at restaurants where food was everywhere. It even made my cousin leave the room and cry on more than one occasion

. I think my cousin''s issues with weight and self-esteem are directly related to this as well. But I won''t go into that...

My point is, in my family being overweight is not okay and they will tell you so. I know it''s hurtful to watch (my grandmother even came up with an affectionate fat name for my cousin, "borroquito" which means "round pastry"

) and I wish my aunt, or my mom and her siblings, had put a stop to it when my cousin was little. I would encourage your FI to tell his mother to SHUT UP already (he doesn''t have to say it like that but he should be stern enough to get his point across). If she doesn''t stop after that, I don''t know what else to tell you.

 

[Moh 10]

Date: 7/29/2009 2:31:59 PM
Author: Circe
Obviously, you can't tell your MIL to put a sock in it, however tempting it might be,

Why not?

If someone says something very inappropriate don't be a doormat.

They'll live.
They'll adjust.
And you won't walk around feeling powerless and bothered by others so much.

People treat each other soooo badly in families; I don't get it.

 

[Haven]

Fiery--In your case, I'd probably say something like "Well, Mom, I suppose you're right, your son does need to lose weight. I'm certain that he knows this, and that you know he knows this, so let's focus on supporting him in ways that will encourage him to get healthy, shall we? Reminding him that he is fat in front of others is neither supportive nor encouraging. Do you want to help him, or just make him feel bad?"

My in-laws criticize everyone about everything. DH has a cousin who thinks he is a top chef, although he is neither employed as a chef nor as anything else, and he constantly criticizes food at family gatherings--in people's homes, out in restaurants, everywhere.

He was at our house for a 4th of July party with about 50 other people, and began tearing into a batch of cookies my mother's dear friend kindly made and brought to the party, and he did so in front of my mother. I just said "I think it was so thoughtful of her to take the time to make these and bring them to the house. Please, don't eat them if you think they're awful, and keep quiet about it."
He, of course, brought nothing to share.

We haven't told DH's father that I quit my job yet, but I'm sure he'll have a lot to say about that one.

 

[Lorelei]

Fiery, maybe if she realizes there are CONSEQUENCES to her bad behaviour she might think twice. Fiery I feel for you what with her trying every trick in the book to get into the delivery room despite being told she wasn''t welcome, her late night unannounced visits to see the baby and now this rudeness, if she can''t behave then cut down on family dinners and GTG''s if she won''t mind her manners. If she realizes what a fool she is making of herself and that she is missing out on time with you because she is so dreadful, she might learn to grow a filter finally, it can be done! She knows EXACTLY what she is doing, its a power play I think.

 

[cara]

In the context you provided, I think the proper response is, "No he is absolutely perfect the way he is" because I hope that's the truth. He might be just as perfect and more healthy if he lost the weight, but that is irrelevant to this example. Even if you feel he's imperfect and should lose the weight, I think this is one example of your MIL being a bully and you should not support her efforts.

I am overweight, I have weight I should lose, I am not overly sensitive about it in general but with my father? Who regularly judges people on their weight and feels it is his right and duty to lecture them about this health risk and how 'easy' is it to lose weight if you just exercise a bit of self-discipline and are motivated? No thank you. I do not tolerate his comments well, and if he ever attempted to bring my husband into guilting me about it I would hope beyond hope that my husband would have no part of it. But since my husband is supportive of me (both at current weight and with any weight-loss effort *I* might voluntarily undertake) I have good reason to hope that my husband would politely but firmly decline to agree with my father on that issue.

 

[zhuzhu]

I am very protective of the ones I love. If it is someone outside the family I will prob say something not so nice like "what about yourself with XXXXXX?". With MIL or another family member whom I don''t want to be enemy with, I would just immediately say "but he is wonderful with this and that", or change the subject not so subtly so they get the idea that I really don''t appreciate people criticizing my husband.

 

[Circe]

Date: 7/29/2009 2:37:44 PM
Author: Moh 10

Date: 7/29/2009 2:31:59 PM

Author: Circe

Obviously, you can''t tell your MIL to put a sock in it, however tempting it might be,

Why not?


If someone says something very inappropriate don''t be a doormat.


They''ll live.

They''ll adjust.

And you won''t walk around feeling powerless and bothered by others so much.


People treat each other soooo badly in families; I don''t get it.

Hm ... that''s an interesting point, Moh.

I know in my family, it just wouldn''t be worth the grief: if *I* told a parent to stuff it, they''d be offended, we''d yell, we''d scream, we''d stop talking for a while, and then, eventually, it would blow over (rinse, repeat - we''re a pretty tempestuous family). If my *husband* tried it, I''d be the one who''d have to do all of the above anyway, with the added bonus of having to hear about it on a regular basis for the rest of our lives.

My family is very clannish, still: my husband may be my husband, but he''s only been such for two years, and does not, as yet, have "full disclosure" privileges. I don''t know when or if that will change, but until it does, I kind of figure it''s my responsibility to deal with my side of the family, his to deal with his (and he is so getting the easy end of that bargain

). As he feels much the same way, it doesn''t feel like too much of a problem ... but YMMV.

 

[Liane]

Eh, this one''s a toughie. On the one hand, if it''s a valid criticism and motivated by concern for their child''s health and wellbeing, then IMO it''s normal and understandable that parents would point this out. My mom''s always asking about my health and trying to make sure I take steps to maintain it; that''s just what moms do. They want the best for their kids, even if they''re not always the most diplomatic about expressing their concerns.

On the other hand, this is really not the most diplomatic way of expressing that concern, from what it sounds like.

I think Haven''s advice is right on the mark. When it comes to things like losing weight, or quitting smoking, or making any other major lifestyle choice, there''s not that much other people can do, however concerned they are. It''s up to the individual involved. Continually hammering on the point is likely to just be counterproductive.

...but I also wouldn''t really expect anyone''s parents to stop doing it. Mine sure wouldn''t.

 

[anchor31]

My ILs'' criticism is rarely valid as they tend to project their own issues on us, but on the rare occasion that it was, they were minor issues. For example, MIL once criticitized DH for not cooking often (which is pretty rich coming from her, since she''s the lousiest cook I''ve ever known), and what I did was turn to something positive DH does to diffuse the situation (ie: He may not cook dinner very often, but he makes amazing breakfasts). I think it embarassed her to realize that she doesn''t know her son as much as she thinks she does, but DH was relieved and grateful and that''s all that matters to me.

 

[junebug17]

Date: 7/29/2009 3:20:43 PM
Author: Circe

Date: 7/29/2009 2:37:44 PM
Author: Moh 10

Date: 7/29/2009 2:31:59 PM

Author: Circe

Obviously, you can''t tell your MIL to put a sock in it, however tempting it might be,

Why not?


If someone says something very inappropriate don''t be a doormat.


They''ll live.

They''ll adjust.

And you won''t walk around feeling powerless and bothered by others so much.


People treat each other soooo badly in families; I don''t get it.

Hm ... that''s an interesting point, Moh.

I know in my family, it just wouldn''t be worth the grief: if *I* told a parent to stuff it, they''d be offended, we''d yell, we''d scream, we''d stop talking for a while, and then, eventually, it would blow over (rinse, repeat - we''re a pretty tempestuous family). If my *husband* tried it, I''d be the one who''d have to do all of the above anyway, with the added bonus of having to hear about it on a regular basis for the rest of our lives.

My family is very clannish, still: my husband may be my husband, but he''s only been such for two years, and does not, as yet, have ''full disclosure'' privileges. I don''t know when or if that will change, but until it does, I kind of figure it''s my responsibility to deal with my side of the family, his to deal with his (and he is so getting the easy end of that bargain

). As he feels much the same way, it doesn''t feel like too much of a problem ... but YMMV.

this woman sounds unbearable, and for the life of me I don''t understand why everyone just accepts her behavior and lets her get away with it. No screaming or yelling is neccessary. It''s time for your spouse to tell his mother how her comments make him feel, and for you to support him in this. Don''t attack her personally, just let her know how hurt and embarrassed your spouse feels about her remarks. Limit the conversation to his feelings, she can''t argue with how he feels. And everytime she brings it up, in private or in front of others, just say "I''ve already told you I don''t appreciate these comments" or words to that effect. she needs to feel embarrassed for a change. Most of this has to come from your spouse, but you should make it clear you support your husband. Relatives, sheesh!!! I''m with Moh on this one, all the way.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 7/29/2009 2:12:48 PM
Author: fiery

Some more details:

My FI is overweight. He knows that, I know that, anyone that sees him knows it. He isn''t necessarily ''sensitive'' about it. However, his mom has a really, really bad habit of mentioning how he needs to lose weight every single time she sees him. And every time includes when its just the three of us in our home, when he visits them so he''s alone, or in the middle of thanksgiving dinner with 40 guests listening to her comments. She literally yelled out to him (we sat on the other end of the long table) that he would make her so happy if he just loses weight. It was very awkward and he was extremely embarrassed by it. She also did it again in the hospital after I had my daughter in front of his family and again in front of my family when they were all in my house visiting.

Telling MIL to knock it off won''t do anything because she''s a very outspoken person with no filter and the more you tell her to stop something, the more she wants to do it. She also has the habit of turning to me and saying ''right fiery, isn''t he fat and needs to lose weight? Why don''t you tell him to lose weight?'' and at that point I always defend FI even though again, I know he needs to lose the weight. It just bothers me that she would do that whenever/wherever knowing that it embarrasses him. But at the same time, she''s his mom KWIM?

And by ''defend'' I usually just say that he''s working on it but that I think he looks great (which is true).

I just read this, and your MIL sound a bit like mine... She used to criticize DH on a small pot-belly for crying out loud. I think your DH needs to tell his mother to shut up about his weight. His weight is his business and she might be his mom, but criticizing him about it, especially in public, is not going to help him or motivate him to lose the weight. If she''s anything like my MIL, she''ll protest, say that she does it "for his own good" and "because she loves him", blah blah blah... But she needs to be told that humiliating him is not a proof of love and that it needs to stop. Your DH, and you if needed, need to stand up to this woman, otherwise she''ll never stop. Mom or not, this isn''t acceptable behaviour.

If the peaceful approach doesn''t work, I don''t know if your DH is the snarky type, but I probably would say something like "What about you mom? How are your cholesterol levels?"

My DH ended up telling his mother to worry about her own weight instead of his (he barely has 5 pounds to lose; she could stand to lose 20...). OUCH. She was hurt and pissed off, but it shut her up. Let me say that I was very proud of the hubs.

 

[Amethyste]

The same SAME thing happen to me!! MIL kept saying how much my hubby needed to lose weight. He has a belly, but I love him so much and
I dont care about it. I know it bothers him sometimes which in turn, bothers me. My in laws are German and they are pretty direct towards each other
but my husband is a gentle soul and he doesnt say much to his parents, he just listens and takes it in.

One time, i was at their house having dinner, and in a matter of 1 hour, she reminded her son ( my hubby ) that he needs to really lose weight.
The last time she said that, she was next to me, so I looked at her, put my hand on his belly and kissed him saying:
"I love you baby, you are perfect to me and you are my everything"... He hugged me back, kissed me and said "I love you too baby". She never said anything about it after that.

 

[Vix]

This technique works really, really well with folks like your MIL but it requires less of a temper than I usually have!

It''s the Ms Manners kill-''em-with-faux-kindness thing. Anytime she says anything to your husband or to you just chirp,

"Thank you SO MUCH for thinking about my/husband''s health! I hear what you''re saying!"

And then keep repeating variations of that with a big smile and the barest whiff of acting. Don''t engage in any other way, not even when it devolves into, "well if you hear it why aren''t you acting on it? blah blah blah"...just go with an "It''s so sweet of you to care!" or something.

I really wish I could get myself together to do this more often because the reaction HYSTERICAL. You''re not arguing with them, defending self/others, giving any additional ammunition via "it hurts me when you do X"...so 99% of the time the passive-aggressive critical types freak out and run out of gas very quickly, ha ha ha.

 

[somethingshiny]

I would say "you raised him" and be done.

Fortunately, however, my in-laws don''t criticize DH or me.

 

[Elmorton]

Discussing a person''s weight in front of others is rude - and openly criticizing is rude. If my ILs were criticizing DH, I''d of course defend him (even if I thought they were right) simply to end the conversation/DH''s discomfort, unless it was something small, joking, or trivial. I know DH would do the same.

Fiery, I think your response is good. Behind closed doors, of course you should encourage your DH to lose weight by offering to work out together, work on portion sizes/healthier foods, etc or even talk about food issues. But in front of others? Yes, by all means, shut her up! I think an answer such as "I love and support DH no matter what his size, and as his mother, I expect you do the same" and change the subject immediately.

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 7/29/2009 2:12:48 PM
Author: fiery

Telling MIL to knock it off won''t do anything because she''s a very outspoken person with no filter and the more you tell her to stop something, the more she wants to do it. She also has the habit of turning to me and saying ''right fiery, isn''t he fat and needs to lose weight? Why don''t you tell him to lose weight?'' and at that point I always defend FI even though again, I know he needs to lose the weight.

I''m sure people who know me in person know that I''m dead serious about what I''m going to say next:

If my mother-in-law did that to my husband, I''d smile and say to her "You''re right. Even though he knows, I should tell him. I''m going to put a note on my to-do list right now to remind him; it will be right below my reminder to tell my mother-in-law to mind her own business."

I don''t care if someone else is right; my allegiance lies with my husband. If the critique is on target, I can discuss that with him later privately, but I will not allow anyone to divide ranks publicly at his expense.

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 7/29/2009 2:31:59 PM
Author: Circe


Obviously, you can''t tell your MIL to put a sock in it, however tempting it might be, but I''d definitely keep standing up for him in the heat of the moment, even if I quietly encouraged him to have a salad later on while we were at home together.

Sure you can....if it crosses a line.

Hub''s family came to our house for a holiday dinner a few years ago. MIL was miffed that she tried to phone during the trip and my hub didn''t pick up the phone.

She made a point of complaining about it during dinner that she can *never* reach him when she calls, and she wouldn''t let it go. I smiled, looked directly at her and said "he couldn''t pick up because he was in the shower". Not satisfied to let it go, she then proclaimed "oh, but that''s why I always call you because I know YOU''LL pick up", perhaps thinking that I''d actually bask in the approval and turn on my husband.

Without hesitation, I looked very pointedly at her and said "I''m sorry, but if you call when I''m in the shower, you wouldn''t reach me then either."

She caught the challenge, thought about it, and put a lid on it from that point forward.