lilyfoot
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i''m beyond baffled..
- Thread starter jessa
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lilyfoot
Brilliant_Rock
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Wow so many responses! Sorry, had class this morning and couldn''t respond until now..
For those who asked about the size of the wedding--its between 75-100 people. I wouldn''t consider that huge, nor would I consider it small and intimate. My friends parents are paying(brides parents). The grooms family hasn''t offered any money to help with the wedding. I do know that a few weeks ago the groom had a talk with his mother which resulted his mother giving him $500 to help with the wedding. My friends reaction to that "what am I supposed to do with only five hundred dollars?" .... My friend has turned into a greedy, selfish, all about me person. She has a sense of entitlement. She is more concerned with what things look like at the wedding (and the amount of money it looks like they''ve spent) than she is the actual ceremony. She thinks the ceremony is the boring part. She has also turned into an ungrateful person. I (her MOH) made the shower invites and have spent a bit of money trying to get this whole thing planned so she can ahve a NICE shower...never got a thank you for anything. Another one of her BMs bought her a bracelet to wear for the wedding ---not a thank you, nothing. That BM had told the bride that she wanted to help do stuff for the wedding....and the bride told her she really wanted a bracelet to wear the day of. In my book, thats not helping, thats just a buy me something attitude.
The grooms family and my friend have never really gotten along (sounds pretty obvious by what has been going on). I can''t remember if there was something specific in the beggining or if it just evolved into a strong dislike. As far as I can remember though, my friend has never spoken kindly about his family. She is holding this whole money thing over their heads...when the grooms mom asked about the cake my friend said that her grandmother was going to pick the flavor since shes paying for it, etc. Writing all of this makes me wonder where my friend went because this is not someone I would want to be friends with. My friend is just setting herself up for disaster. Its one thing to not like your future ILs, its another thing to be spiteful and rude when you will have these people involved with the rest of your life. The crazy/sad thing is that the groom is VERY close to his family and I feel like my friend is just going to drive him away from them.
For those who agreed with my friend saying that the wedding is for the bride/groom not the parents, I do agree with that BUT the children wouldn''t be where they are if not for the parents. Talking to BF last night about all of this, there are FAMILY FRIENDS (my moms best friend and her family) that I have grown up with. I would never not think to invite them. I agree that the groom must not have said anything or if he tried to, I wouldn''t put it past my friend to have said something to the fact that his parents aren''t paying, so they aren''t gonna have people there.
I think i answered all the questions that were posed in there, and I added a bit of a vent. I''ve been pretty much avoiding her lately, I hadn''t talked to her in 3 weeks, I call her, and she starts the convo with the thing about his mother.... thats when i remembered why I''ve been avoiding her. I hope my real friend comes back because I really don''t want to be friends with this person.
For those who asked about the size of the wedding--its between 75-100 people. I wouldn''t consider that huge, nor would I consider it small and intimate. My friends parents are paying(brides parents). The grooms family hasn''t offered any money to help with the wedding. I do know that a few weeks ago the groom had a talk with his mother which resulted his mother giving him $500 to help with the wedding. My friends reaction to that "what am I supposed to do with only five hundred dollars?" .... My friend has turned into a greedy, selfish, all about me person. She has a sense of entitlement. She is more concerned with what things look like at the wedding (and the amount of money it looks like they''ve spent) than she is the actual ceremony. She thinks the ceremony is the boring part. She has also turned into an ungrateful person. I (her MOH) made the shower invites and have spent a bit of money trying to get this whole thing planned so she can ahve a NICE shower...never got a thank you for anything. Another one of her BMs bought her a bracelet to wear for the wedding ---not a thank you, nothing. That BM had told the bride that she wanted to help do stuff for the wedding....and the bride told her she really wanted a bracelet to wear the day of. In my book, thats not helping, thats just a buy me something attitude.
The grooms family and my friend have never really gotten along (sounds pretty obvious by what has been going on). I can''t remember if there was something specific in the beggining or if it just evolved into a strong dislike. As far as I can remember though, my friend has never spoken kindly about his family. She is holding this whole money thing over their heads...when the grooms mom asked about the cake my friend said that her grandmother was going to pick the flavor since shes paying for it, etc. Writing all of this makes me wonder where my friend went because this is not someone I would want to be friends with. My friend is just setting herself up for disaster. Its one thing to not like your future ILs, its another thing to be spiteful and rude when you will have these people involved with the rest of your life. The crazy/sad thing is that the groom is VERY close to his family and I feel like my friend is just going to drive him away from them.
For those who agreed with my friend saying that the wedding is for the bride/groom not the parents, I do agree with that BUT the children wouldn''t be where they are if not for the parents. Talking to BF last night about all of this, there are FAMILY FRIENDS (my moms best friend and her family) that I have grown up with. I would never not think to invite them. I agree that the groom must not have said anything or if he tried to, I wouldn''t put it past my friend to have said something to the fact that his parents aren''t paying, so they aren''t gonna have people there.
I think i answered all the questions that were posed in there, and I added a bit of a vent. I''ve been pretty much avoiding her lately, I hadn''t talked to her in 3 weeks, I call her, and she starts the convo with the thing about his mother.... thats when i remembered why I''ve been avoiding her. I hope my real friend comes back because I really don''t want to be friends with this person.
meresal
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Thank you for coming back Jessa. I''m sorry that you seem to have lost your freind.
What she is doing is wrong. It doesn''t matter how many people are invited, if the intent is out of malice. I feel sorry for her FI. It''s obvious to complete strangers how she feels about his family, and that is just sad. He needs to speak up.
What she is doing is wrong. It doesn''t matter how many people are invited, if the intent is out of malice. I feel sorry for her FI. It''s obvious to complete strangers how she feels about his family, and that is just sad. He needs to speak up.
4ever
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I think it would be a nice gesture to invite MIL's best friend, but I would be verry pissed off it MIL expected or demanded me to invite her best friend
ETA: after just reading your last post I want to say I'm sorry for the position you're in at the moment with your friend and I hope everything works out. It sounds very nasty and messy.
zoebartlett
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Jessa, I agree with you. I''ve heard others say that if the couple is paying for the wedding on their own, then no one else gets to add to the guest list. I think that if someone is truly important to your FMIL and it would mean a lot to have him/her there, it would be nice to invite that person. I don''t mean to suggest that others can feel free to invite whomever they''d like without running it by the bride and groom, but it just seems a little selfish to me to say no.
zoebartlett
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Asu
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Well,I think I see her point,even thought she is not acting too well.You seem really bitter toward your friend,and maybe I''m totally wrong,but I think your anger may make you see things in a distorted way.You said you don''t know what kind of problems are going on between your friend and her future inlaws.So it could very well being something about their attitude,more than hers.She is in a very stressful place right now,so try to be a bit comprensive to her.The fact that the groom also talked to his parents that way,and his reaction when they gave him 500 make me think he is angry with them too.I know she''s his mother,but sometimes MIL should be really direspectful and treating you bad with almost no reason,so it may just be that your friend,being in the stressful situation she is,is not dealing well with this other humiliation/direspect.You don''t know the entire story,so it could very well be something like this.I know I had an horrible time dealing with my grandma when I was getting married.We payed for our own wedding,but both my inlaws and my mother gived us some money.Before,I told them we wanted to make our own things and keep the guest to less than 70.My inlaws were totally ok,thay never were sociality people,lol.My mother asked me to invite her uncle and aunt,because they were really important to her.Knowin that we were against having relatives that were not the closest ones,she payed for them,but I accepted only because they were stillr elative.If they were just friends,we would have said no.It was our wedding,and it was about what we wanted it to be.Well,my grandma has been quite a pain about that.She wanted to see the sitting places charts we made,because "at your mother wedding..";she was mumbling about the relatives thing;she forced us to spread the news around with cards,invitations,and little gift.I hated that thing.That was not us,and it was not right.I had to bought something like 100 cards more just to make her "quite satisfied".I got to the point I was going crazy,so the last time she said something about mom''s wedding,I told her "You remember that mom got divorced,right?Well,that''s not my plan,you know." she got it,and didn''t said a thing again.If she tried to take a friend to my wedding,I would probably had freaked out!To me,a wedding is about the bride and the groom.Family have to partecipate to the happiness,to the cerimonie and the party,but not interfere.It''s not "family day".It''s their wedding,and she''s even more right because they don''t pay for it.I think if you want to help and give money as a gift because you love your son/daugther and want to see them happy on their day,so cool,go for it.But if it''s just to have a voice in invitations/decorations and such...keep your money.
I don''t think her parents should say a thing,too.And her grandma choosing the cake..now that''s insane!
I don''t think her parents should say a thing,too.And her grandma choosing the cake..now that''s insane!
neatfreak
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vc10um
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I think meresal hit this one on the head now that we have more background information. If the only reason FMIL''s best friend isn''t invited is out of malice/spite, that''s not cool. At all. I am so sorry that you''re having to deal with this, and hopefully once she''s done being a spoiled brat bridezilla, she''ll go back to being your friend.
anchor31
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jessa, I''m sorry things are not going well with your friend and she''s turning out to be so mean. Weddings can really bring out the worst in some people...
I would say that''s a matter of opinion. Some brides, like you and jessa and others who posted on this thread, see marriages and weddings as a joining of two families and believe everyone should be invited. Others don''t, but that doesn''t mean they don''t value family. Personally, I see marriage as a joining of two people, not their families. To me, who is present at the wedding or not has no influence whatsoever on the marriage or wedding itself, so I often have a hard time understanding why people make a big fuss out of it. Then again, I wanted to elope and have nobody there... But that doesn''t mean I don''t value family. I adore my family, and that''s pretty much why I let them talk me into not eloping! I don''t believe many people who do not invite their parents'' friends do it out of malice or selfishness.
iheartscience
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Yeah, given the background information it sounds like your friend is just being spiteful and bratty, regardless of the reasons she dislikes her FMIL.
My husband and I invited our parents' friends to our wedding-that's just how it's done in my family. My mom's oldest best friend is really a friend of the family, and she's been friends with her for years and years, but I had only met some of her other friends a few times. And my MIL lives a few states away from me so I had never met any of her friends. It was only about 10 people total, so I really didn't mind. Plus everyone knows the grown ups give better presents than friends your own age!
My husband and I invited our parents' friends to our wedding-that's just how it's done in my family. My mom's oldest best friend is really a friend of the family, and she's been friends with her for years and years, but I had only met some of her other friends a few times. And my MIL lives a few states away from me so I had never met any of her friends. It was only about 10 people total, so I really didn't mind. Plus everyone knows the grown ups give better presents than friends your own age!
Date: 11/13/2009 3:34:28 PM
Author: anchor31
jessa, I''m sorry things are not going well with your friend and she''s turning out to be so mean. Weddings can really bring out the worst in some people...
i totally agree with that statement. I had a "friend"/bridesmaid who just a holy terror during my wedding. Refusing to help out, making herself the center of attention during my bachelorette party (she admitted it to my maid of honor when confronted, her reasoning was "i''m engaged too"), and just being a pain in the ass. Needless to say, we aren''t friends any more.
As for your friend jessa, she is laying the foundation of all future interaction with her in-laws. Holidays will surely be a hoot. I''m sorry that she''s trying to drag you in the middle, if you don''t want to hear it from her anymore, I would suggest saying something like "I''m sorry you''re having so much trouble with her, but that''s between you and your mother in law." or somthing to that effect. I wonder how her fiance is taking it?
Italiahaircolor
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Okay...
First of all, you''re new to the "bride" game...wait and see. Right now things are sunshine and roses...you may have the best relationship with your MIL...you may have the perfect engagement path mapped out...but trust me, you haven''t really sunken into the "meat" of planning, and from the outside looking it it''s really hard to judge anyone for their decisions.
Secondly, she''s right. If the IL''s aren''t paying or helping to pay for the wedding then the final say does come down to the couple...maybe their budget is small, maybe it means they get to have one more of their friends at the wedding, or maybe she and her MIL are at odds and she can harbor this over her MIL''s head. Whatever the situation maybe, this is her wedding and her guest list...I don''t think it''s your place to get so mad you''d punch something over her choices--which really seems overblown to me, honestly.
In the end, you''ll see...weddings are about making a lot of concessions but also standing your ground.
First of all, you''re new to the "bride" game...wait and see. Right now things are sunshine and roses...you may have the best relationship with your MIL...you may have the perfect engagement path mapped out...but trust me, you haven''t really sunken into the "meat" of planning, and from the outside looking it it''s really hard to judge anyone for their decisions.
Secondly, she''s right. If the IL''s aren''t paying or helping to pay for the wedding then the final say does come down to the couple...maybe their budget is small, maybe it means they get to have one more of their friends at the wedding, or maybe she and her MIL are at odds and she can harbor this over her MIL''s head. Whatever the situation maybe, this is her wedding and her guest list...I don''t think it''s your place to get so mad you''d punch something over her choices--which really seems overblown to me, honestly.
In the end, you''ll see...weddings are about making a lot of concessions but also standing your ground.
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