I'm having Mother issues!

[aphisiglovessae]

I''m so mad and frustrated with my mother, I could SCREAM!

Some background information: My mother is Chinese and was raised in Taiwan. She and my father married in 1977. She''s a very frugal (ok, sometimes I''d call her downright cheap) and puts all her money away like a squirrel puts away nuts for the winter. She has constantly ruined key points in my life because of money. For example, I made the cheerleading squad in high school and she wouldn''t let me do it because the uniforms were 300 dollars. When I made the dance squad, I had to save money and borrow from friends to pay for my uniforms and such because she said the same thing again. I had an opportunity to perform at the Orange Bowl in high school and couldn''t go... Why? I''ll give you one guess.. The only thing she ever let me do was take a trip to Europe my Junior year and I had to work my ass off to get it (fundraisers and such. I raised all the money to go).

So now I''m getting married. Biggest moment of my life and everyone knows it is expensive. I started looking for dresses recently and had my first try-ons yesterday. I thought I had a decent budget of 800 dollars and refused to even look at any dresses over 1000. I fell in love with a couple of dresses, but I plan on looking at other shops around town for more. It was so fun and exciting to have all those beautiful dresses on and every sample dress fit me perfectly so I felt like a princess. The bridal shop girl was even taking me out front so all the other customers could see and they were oohing and aahing. I felt so great!

Now here''s where I start to feel like crap: I called my mom today to talk to her about dresses. I had concerns like what if I lose too much weight before the wedding, and other such things. I emailed her and my dad pictures of the dresses I loved and asked her if she saw them. She continued to lecture me for an hour about the prices of the dress (one was 800 and the other was 900, but I found them for about 200 dollars cheaper on a website. All I need is a size and I can order it)!!! It was like she sucked every inch of fun and excitement out of me. I cried for a half hour on the phone with my fiance.

He said that I should just leave her out of that decision and do it on my own. He said he would pay for the dress if he has to, as long as I''m happy and I have the dress of my dreams. She always said "It''s your wedding, do what you want. I already had mine. You know what you have to do, take your risks," yet she lectures me about the money even though I think my budget is very reasonable. How is that letting me do what I want???

So here''s my thing: Am I overreacting by getting upset at my mom? Should I leave her out of the dress process? Is she right???

Any opinion is welcome..

 

[Kaleigh]

First of all big HUGS. I am a mom and can''t imagine treating my daughter like that. But she is only 17 so that is a long way away for us. I think your mom is worried about you spending too much, but seems to me that you are not doing that at all. You have done your homework and found a way to spend less. It''s a shame she is the way she is, but she aint going to change now, wedding or not. So I would leave her out of it and get your best friends to be part of your dress shopping as this is supposed to be fun!!!! I know in your heart you want her to be a part of this, but if she is going to suck the joy out of it, who needs that??? I am so sorry.

 

[Tybee]

OH, I am so sorry, mothers can be so frustrating, and we want everyone to be happy for us and excited when we find the dress of our dreams. I''m so sorry that you felt so bad after talking with her.

Let me play devil''s advocate for just a second, though.

(my mother and I fought like cats and dogs, but now she''s since passed on, and I miss everything about her.)

Your mother and you obviously come from different worlds.
If she has been scrimping money her whole life, then that has become part of who she is. She will never understand big expendatures. When she was married in 1977 dresses certainly didn''t cost as much as they do now.

But the deep down real story is that your mother loves you. She lectures you because she wants to help you. Obviously, she is NOT helping you a bit, but she thinks that she is.

That''s basically it. Buy your own dress if you want to, because it''s your life and YOU are a grown up, but don''t leave your mother out of it. Share it with her, show her the pictures, let her be a part of the process. She might just not need to be in on the financial side of things.

Clearly my view is a bit colored by the fact that I no longer have a mom to argue with, so forgive me that.

I hope you can forgive your mother''s coldness, I hope that she didn''t mean to hurt you so much.
Good luck with everything. I''d love to know which dress you end up buying.

 

[flopkins]

hm... well I'm really sorry to hear that your mom seems so negative about the dresses, sometimes Chinese moms love to hate... I think my cousin said it best when she said (in reference to her mom) "My mom knows all my buttons, and she pounds the S*** outta them"

As for your budget, I think it's super reasonable to be looking at dresses under 1k, maybe your mom was like mine - she didn't realize how expensive wedding things are nowadays. Also, It helped a lot for me when I included her a lot more in the process of shopping - I think part of the problem I had was my mom is down in LA, I'm up in SF, so she's been feeling left out of a lot of the planning. (I'm an only child, btw) I'm not saying this is the same situation you and your mom are in, but I hope you can try to look past what she's actually saying bc obviously she's upset about something, and passive agressive Chinese moms (at least, mine) NEVER say what they REALLY feel, which is probably more like, "I can't believe my daughter's getting married and I'm freaking out" and it comes out as "that dress is too expensive, but it's your wedding do what you want"... does that make any sense?

I hope you don't let your mom's comments get you down, I know it was tough for me for a time, bc I felt like of all ppl, my mom ought to be on my side for all the wedding stuff, you kinda get in your head this idea your mom helping you thru all the wedding planning and it's a bonding experience, blah blah... then reality set in and for a while it felt like my parents were the biggest obstacle to our wedding, not the biggest help!

Anyhow, hope my rambling has helped a bit. I'm sure everyone has their fall out w/their parents/mom over the wedding... (at least, I have!) it's a long and sometimes difficult process, but I just remember the end point - a happy marriage with the man I love, and that puts things in perspective!

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Thanks for your replies.

It's really weird, she bought me a car for my 21st birthday and paid my entire way through college (I didn't need a job for the past few years because she paid all my bills). So it seems like when I grew up she tried to make up for the stuff she wouldn't let me do when I was little. Now that I'm getting married, she's going back to treating me like when I was a kid. I know that she's a little upset that her baby is all grown up and getting married, but that doesn't mean she needs to do this. Is there a psychologist in the house?

And I agree that she's knows all my buttons and likes to pound the s***t out of them.

 

[JulieN]

Pay for it yourself. Now is not the time to get mad at your mom. Weddings are (supposedly) for bringing families together.

Good luck!

 

[gingerBcookie]

I''m not sure I perfectly understand the situation. I think it matters if your mom is paying for the dress. I do NOT in anyway think your budget is unreasonable and I comepletely feel your pain with a penny-pinching mother. Although it causecd me pain when I was younger, now I understand why she did it and how it kept food on the table for us. Although that isn''t so neccesary now,being frugal is part of who my other is and I agree with everyone as to how she probably doesn''t realize how much wedding things cost. Most ppl who haven''t participated in planning a wedding are stunned at the prices. I know how it feels to be ecited by something and hope someone you love to be excited with you and they throw ice water all over you, it SUCKS. BUT, if you''re mother is paying for your wedding, then I feel that she DOES have some say in what she spends. I personally do not feel a mother owes a daughter any dress she wants, or even paying for a wedding for that matter (I''m not talking about you specifically here, just in general). This of course only applies if she is paying for it. If you are paying for the dress, then YOU get final say and I''m sorry your mom is putting such a damper on something meant to be fun and exciting.

Please don''t get mad at what I said. I am in the same situation with my parents, the difference is we (my FI and I) decided to pay for our entire wedding on our own and set our own budget so i don''t get in that situation with my mother (although when she does ask what we paid for X, I always shave off some $$$ as to not give her a stroke

). If my parents were paying for my wedding, although I would be upset at some decisions, ultimately they are shelling out the dough and they would get final say.

I''m sorry to hearabout the situation and I really do empathize more than you can imagine. I really hope you figure out a way to work things out with your mom and get your dream dress!! It may help if you take her shopping and show her the outrageous prices and have her see how reasonable your request is.

 

[MissAva]

Date: 8/28/2005 11:00:10 PM
Author: aphisiglovessae
Thanks for your replies.

It''s really weird, she bought me a car for my 21st birthday and paid my entire way through college (I didn''t need a job for the past few years because she paid all my bills). So it seems like when I grew up she tried to make up for the stuff she wouldn''t let me do when I was little. Now that I''m getting married, she''s going back to treating me like when I was a kid. I know that she''s a little upset that her baby is all grown up and getting married, but that doesn''t mean she needs to do this. Is there a psychologist in the house?

And I agree that she''s knows all my buttons and likes to pound the s***t out of them.

Well....I will have my degree in May.
But really I agree with what the other ladies have said, all gave sound advice and without knowing more about you and your relationship with your mother I cannot really add anything. (Other then perhaps she was hoping you would wear something more traditional... but that seems kinda out there if you have not already considered that.)

However I am glad you had such a great time dress shopping. Perhaps next time you can bring a digital camera and we can all ohhh and ahhh over how fantastic you must look.
Hope you feel better soon.

 

[jellybean]

Date: 8/28/2005 11:50:04 PM
Author: gingerBcookie
I''m not sure I perfectly understand the situation. I think it matters if your mom is paying for the dress. I do NOT in anyway think your budget is unreasonable and I comepletely feel your pain with a penny-pinching mother. Although it causecd me pain when I was younger, now I understand why she did it and how it kept food on the table for us. Although that isn''t so neccesary now,being frugal is part of who my other is and I agree with everyone as to how she probably doesn''t realize how much wedding things cost. Most ppl who haven''t participated in planning a wedding are stunned at the prices. I know how it feels to be ecited by something and hope someone you love to be excited with you and they throw ice water all over you, it SUCKS. BUT, if you''re mother is paying for your wedding, then I feel that she DOES have some say in what she spends. I personally do not feel a mother owes a daughter any dress she wants, or even paying for a wedding for that matter (I''m not talking about you specifically here, just in general). This of course only applies if she is paying for it. If you are paying for the dress, then YOU get final say and I''m sorry your mom is putting such a damper on something meant to be fun and exciting.

Please don''t get mad at what I said. I am in the same situation with my parents, the difference is we (my FI and I) decided to pay for our entire wedding on our own and set our own budget so i don''t get in that situation with my mother (although when she does ask what we paid for X, I always shave off some $$$ as to not give her a stroke

). If my parents were paying for my wedding, although I would be upset at some decisions, ultimately they are shelling out the dough and they would get final say.

I''m sorry to hearabout the situation and I really do empathize more than you can imagine. I really hope you figure out a way to work things out with your mom and get your dream dress!! It may help if you take her shopping and show her the outrageous prices and have her see how reasonable your request is.

I agree a lot with GBC.

Like she asked, are you paying for the dress or are your parents? If you are, then get whatever you want and don''t even mention the price to your mom. If she''s paying for it, then I think it''s a different story.

As as old married woman

(been married for 6 years) who now has a 2 year old daughter, I can see both sides. My dress cost about $1,000 (had it custom made). I paid for it. My mom was upset that I was spending so much money on a dress I would only wear once. She knew that was the going price of wedding gowns but was concerned that the money could be spend elsewhere, or just saved up. Looking back, I certainly didn''t need to spend that kind of cash on a dress. One of my friends spend less than $300 on a Jessica McClintock dress and looked absolutely gorgeous. By the time my daughter gets married I''m sure the price of gowns will be out of this world. And if she wants to spend a ton of $$ on a dress, I''m sure I will probably discourage her not to.

I don''t know all the details about your relationship with your mother, but geez, she paid for college for you and bought you a car and paid for your bills the last few years?...and you now don''t want to include her in your planning because she''s bringing up the money issue?....I''m sorry, but that sounds kind of selfish on your part.

As a parent you always want the best for your children...but there is also the balance of not trying to absolutely spoil them at the same time. No one is perfect. I''d be willing to bet the things that your mom did while you were in high school (not letting you join the cheerleading team, etc.) are decisions that at the time she thought were in your best interest. Maybe there were financial things going on with your family at the time that you weren''t aware of? And as far as "letting" you go to Europe in high school...well, everyone I know that went on a school trip paid for it themselves by working their butts off too with part time jobs - myself included.

I don''t mean to be harsh but this is supposed to be a very special time between you and your mom. You have no idea the feelings your mom is probably going through right now. I know I wll be so sad when my daughter gets married, but so happy at the same time. My mom used to tell me when I was younger "when you''re a parent you''ll understand", and she''s completely right.

Give your mom a break. Put the past behind you. And enjoy this time.

 

[MelissaSue]

Sorry to hear that.. $900 is not a lot for a wedding dress.. I don''t know.. when I first started wedding planning, I felt a lot of the same resistance from my mother... The most expensive dresses I tried on were around $800 (Even though my dream dress was like $3500!.. and all the ones I liked the best were the more expensive ones. She was always commenting that I had expensive tastes and blah blah blah.. And she was witchy about the money for photographers.. my photographer is fairly reasonable, but she acted like it was a freaking fortune.. But, as she''s gotten into the planning, she''s seemed to have gotten better about spending the money.

For me, it helps that my father is NOT nearly as frugal.. in fact.. he''s kind of terrible with money mangagement.. but stilll he''s the main income between them, and I''m TOTALLY daddy''s little girl.. Sooo.. he finds it a little hard to say no to me.. (Yes, I''m a brat..). My reception, especially, is going to be more expensive than we originally planned for.. but he said it was fine, as long as I didn''t want too many extras.. (he said I couldn''t have a chocolate fountain.. which I TOTALLY didn''t want anyway)

It also helps us that my fiance''s family is helping pay for half of all the wedding expenses too.. And my future mother in law is one of those "only the best" people.. Shes a little bit stuck-up and thinks that somethings that we would find acceptable trashy.. you know?

My fiance was the same way when I got resistance from my mother.. If she doesn''t want to help us pay for it, we''ll do it ourselves. He wanted to get me the $3500 dress! but I couldn''t even justify that one myself. .. But do what you can yourself, and only ask mom for help if necessary.. thats what I''d recommend. There are ALWAYS going to be conflcts.. but you can avoid some if you have to!

 

[jaysonsmom]

Your mom sounds just like my dad, he''s 100% full-blooded Taiwanese too! He is very frugal, and never buys nice things for himself, and he''s constantly lecturing me about spending money on non-necessities. However, when it comes to cars, education housing etc, he gladly paid for all of those because he didn''t want me to lack for anything. I didn''t have to work my way through college AND grad school because he paid for that. He paid for all my cars up until I married, and he put gave me $100K for the down-payment of my house.....my husband and I also decided to pay for our wedding ourselves because if it were up to him, I''d get married in a courthouse, wear a $100 dress, as long as it got the deed done.

I don''t think you can change your mom, all you can do is tell her what she wants to hear (that''s what I''ve learned to do). If she doesn''t want you to have a $900 dres, just tell her it was $300! I told my dad that I got my Lexus on clearance for $30K (haha) it was more like $40k, but I didn''t want to hear hi lecture me about it.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Well, there was no set person paying for the dress. I never really talked to her about who was paying for what. Me and my fiance just assumed we were paying for everything and if my mother wanted to pitch in she would say something. Like our invitations for example, I told her what I wanted to do and she took me to Michaels to look at cardstock. I said I didn't want to buy it just yet but she told me to go ahead and she would pay for it.

I never expected her to pay for the dress, which is the reason why I'm upset. Maybe she thinks that I want her to pay for it, but I recently told her that I knew she wouldn't want to pay that much so I never expected her to do it. But she still continued to make me feel bad about the price. I know she cares about my well-being and I know that if it weren't for her frugal ways, she wouldn't have the enormous amount of money she has now. But it's no reason to ruin her daughter's happiness. I wanted to talk to her about it because I valued her opinion on the style and everything else, not about the financial aspect.

Shortly after our argument, I think she realized what she did though. My father emailed me asking when I was planning on coming home to visit again (they live two hours away). He said that my mother said she could get a saturday off and he figured that when I come home we could go to Tallahassee and Dothan and look at the shops there. I think he mentioned it because of my mom. So maybe things will be better. I told him that I won't be talking to her about it as much though, just because of what happened.

On a nicer note: My fiance's parents called him today to find out where we want to go on our honeymoon and all the other financial stuff. They are saving money to pay for their part. He apparently he told them my situation and his mom offerred me some extra money for my dress because she said she wants to see me in the dress of my dreams. Although it's a VERY nice gesture (they don't have a lot of money at all), I would never accept it. I just though it was so sweet of both him and his mother to offer to help me out.

In case you are wondering, my favorite dress so far is "Porsha" by Maggie Soterro. It's totally my style and just screams "this is you!" Here's a picture, but it doesn't do it justice.

ETA: Sorry I can't give you pictures of me in the dress, the bridal shops around here don't allow pictures until you actually buy the dress. You'll definitely get ones when I pick a dress though! The girl in this pictures has some of the same features and the same skin tone as me though. I'm the girl on the left in my avatar.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Here''s the front in a different color. I''ll probably have it in pure white.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Here''s my second favorite. I tried it on in a deep red and it was PHENOMENAL. I don''t know if it would have the same effect in white though.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

And here''s my third favorite. The only real reason why it''s third is because it''s the most expensive.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

What do you think so far?

 

[Dodger Gurl]

Oooooh!!!!! EXCELLENT choice! I too love the Porsha, but I really did not want the poofy ballgown bottom because I wanted to be able to go potty by myself without my BMs helping. LOL! But I just luuuurrve that dress!! I''m sure you''ll look awesome in it!

 

[Dodger Gurl]

P.S. I hope that you''re not still mad at your mom. I''m sure she loves you and just wants the best for you. And if she IS having a hard time letting her baby go now that she''s all grown up and about to be married, well that''s also because she loves you and that''s why she''s having such a hard time dealing with it. Just try to be patient even though I know it''s hard - it''s perfectly natural to be upset after having your buttons pounded on but you''ll get past it I''m sure. I know you love your mom too! I think Melissa gave you some good advice - if you know the money issues are where you have conflict, try to skirt the issue or present it in a way where she won''t have such a heart attack. LOL.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I love #3!!!!!The other two are nice, but didin't get my heart beating faster or send my pulse racing, only #3 did. How much more is it?

 

[aphisiglovessae]

The bridal shop where I tried them on had them listed as follows:
#1 : $850
#2 : $899
#3 : $1080

I found a couple of places online where I could get them a little cheaper, but that''s about the average price in the shops. I did find one that had #3 listed at $1500 and I walked out quick.

 

[Scintillating]

I don't know if anyone has suggested this or not but -
why don't you show your mom picures of the dresses (you in the dresses) and OMIT the prices, and just her ask which one she likes better. This way you could (PERHAPS)include your mother and remove the area of tension, money.

If this isn't possible, I agree with what has been said - just include your best friends.
This is supposed to be fun!

Scintillating...

Oh* I like the first one, Porsha by MS.
Did you get to try it on?
Did anyone take pictures of you in it?

 

[aphisiglovessae]

We''re going to attempt to go as a family to some other shops in their area so that my mother can see how much these dresses really are and that I''m not being unreasonable in my budget. Like I said, the shops around my area don''t allow pictures until after you buy the dress so showing her pictures of me in them isn''t possible. She''ll come here and see me try them on sometime, but it''ll be a little while. When I sent her these pictures, I didn''t include the prices, but she knew about what the prices were because we saw them in a shop in her area and she knew the prices there. I tried all three of them on two days ago and they were all beautiful and my type of style. I''m going to try them on again this Saturday with my headpiece and a slip to get a better idea of the whole package.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Any other opinions on these dresses? All are welcome!

 

[Kaleigh]

Ok, #3, is my fav, followed by #2, then #1. They are all soooo gorgeous, but that''s my opinion.

 

[MelissaSue]

I LOVE Porsha.. Its sooo pretty.. The back is to DIE for. And I love the sweetheart neckline too!

The third one.. whats it called Vincenza or something? I love that one too! Its such a classic ballgown princess bride look. I don''t think you sould wear QUITE as big of a crinoline though, or you might not fit down the aisle! I know my bridal shop had the sample in with the black in the box pleats, and I didn''t love that as much as the color you have shown..

 

[Minny]

Oooh, my favorite is number 1! I love it!

 

[Dodger Gurl]

Hey, I was searching for shoes tonight and came across these - the straight lines of beading kind of reminded me of the Porsha.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Oooh, those are pretty! Unfortunately, I''ve been cursed with height, so I''m stuck with the ballet slippers or flats. Can you find me some great pictures of flats?

 

[Dodger Gurl]

I wish I was "cursed" with height - then I could eat a lot more junk food! LOL! Here are some cute ones that reminded me of the glittery back part of the Porsha.


White:

 

[Dodger Gurl]

Silver: