I''m here! And already venting....lol.

[luckystar112]

Hi guys!!! I''m a BIW!!!!!

FI and I have already picked a location--we decided to get married at Lake Anna in VA. It''s free, it''s gorgeous, and it''s convenient for his side of the family, which lives all over the U.S. but goes to VA once a year anyway.

To see pics of the location, you can check out my thread in the SMTR section:
https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/my-new-1-08ct-i-vs2-cushion-from-erd.67131/

I''m really excited!!!!

It was a toss up between Maine and Virginia. I really wanted to get married in Maine, but didn''t want to deal with my mother, so when my mom told me that Virginia was gorgeous I was SOLD! So thankfully I get to keep her at an arms length. We have NOT been getting along well. I already had to hang up on her today because she started throwing one of her tantrums, and I''ve been engaged for less than a week! Ugh...every time I talk to her I thank myself for deciding on VA instead of Maine. We''ve already argued about the cash bar issue (she doesn''t see anything wrong with it.) She keeps sending me pictures of bridesmaid dresses although I''ve already told her a million times that the bridesmaids will be choosing their own and won''t be matchy matchy. She can get invitations with a very high discount, but doesn''t want me to look at them. (She wants me to pick from HER top 2 or 3) The list goes on and on and on. She''s got colors planned, centerpieces, photographers, etc. She rarely likes any of my ideas....

I am just so glad that she is 1000 miles away from the location.

I don''t know how to tell her that I would like MY wedding to reflect MY tastes....in a nice way, of course. I tried to tell her nicely very early on, and she told me that I was being a bridezilla and she couldn''t wait to call the show and tell them about me. (She had been pestering me to get married on an island forever, and I finally had to tell her point BLANK that there was NO chance. The other time she called me a bridezilla was when I argued with her about a cash bar.) She even registered on the knot as "bridezilla''s mom" or something like that.

The reason I hung up on her today was because she was going on an on and on about how she needs to know how many guests we are having and what she expects FI''s parents to do to the property, and how I need to talk to them to figure out what they are going to do because she isn''t going to let my wedding look "cheap"...and that it''s their fault that we don''t have a budget because you can''t come up with a budget without knowing how many people are there..blah blah blah blah blah. In the middle of the conversation I asked her why her tone was so angry, and she said she wasn''t. Later, I interrupted her and told her not to worry about all of this stuff right now (photographers and whatnot) because according to the knot, we''ve already done everything we need to do for the first month. Then she asked me why I was getting attitude...and told me that maybe I would be better off if I just emailed her a date for her to show up.

I laughed. I really did. Because I was expecting her to say that. When she had her "nice face" on a while back, I told her that I was worried about her and I bumping heads and her threatening to pull out all involvement, and that weddings can be very stressful. And lookey-loo...only six days in and she''s threatening not to come and not to help out. Anyway, I laughed because I thought the whole thing was silly, and I was expecting her to laugh with me, but she just got more upset and started yelling. All I heard was, "Listen little girl..." and a bunch of cursing and I was like, "click". Not in the mood.

Holy moly thank HEAVEN I''m getting married in VA. Because she can threaten to take away her money (which we really don''t even need) all she wants now and it won''t matter the slightest bit...whereas if I were getting married in Maine, she would make my life a living hell if I got a "tone" with her. She can call me a bridezilla...she can threaten not to come...she can rub things in my face when she gets angry with me, but she has to do it all from very far away where she can''t ruin the wedding.
I know that she is just being an excited mom and doing what most mother''s do by thinking way ahead.....and I really don''t think I gave her an attitude, although I did interrupt her when she started getting snarky about FI''s parents....
I guess I could be coming off with more attitude than intended (going on a week without smoking...yay me!)...but I really don''t think I gave her any. I think she was just offended that I interrupted her and implied that she was overreacting and overthinking when it was still early.

Anyway...thanks for letting me vent a little.

 

[hikerchick]

I strongly strongly suggest that you do NOT accept her money to pay for the wedding or any part of the wedding. If you accept money from her then you will have to deal with her wants and her vision and her opinions. It is YOUR wedding and you should have the wedding you and your FI want but that is only possible if you don't accept money from her. Tell her politely that though you appreciate the offer of money from her (if she has offered) that you and FI will be paying for the wedding and any money she wants to give you should be given in the form of a generous check on the day of the wedding (ETA: as a gift). This way you can be assured that her opinions when in conflict with yours are optional to take into account.

If there is already so much tension and disagreement a week into the planning, you can be assured it will only get worse. However, if you allow her to put money towards the wedding, you are setting yourself up for the consequences. This early in the planning it is very easy to set a budget based on what you and FI can afford and choose vendors and make decisions accordingly.

Good Luck and know that it will all work out in the end.

- hikerchick

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 8/14/2007 1:52:49 PM
Author: hikerchick
I strongly strongly suggest that you do NOT accept her money to pay for the wedding or any part of the wedding. If you accept money from her then you will have to deal with her wants and her vision and her opinions. It is YOUR wedding and you should have the wedding you and your FI want but that is only possible if you don''t accept money from her. Tell her politely that though you appreciate the offer of money from her (if she has offered) that you and FI will be paying for the wedding and any money she wants to give you should be given in the form of a generous check on the day of the wedding (ETA: as a gift). This way you can be assured that her opinions when in conflict with yours are optional to take into account.

If there is already so much tension and disagreement a week into the planning, you can be assured it will only get worse. However, if you allow her to put money towards the wedding, you are setting yourself up for the consequences. This early in the planning it is very easy to set a budget based on what you and FI can afford and choose vendors and make decisions accordingly.

Good Luck and know that it will all work out in the end.

- hikerchick

Ditto.

 

[luckystar112]

I totally agree.

It''s sad because I want her to be a part of my big day, and I know that it would mean a lot to her to contribute, but she is just so hard to get along with. It''s amazing to me. One day second she can be in the best mood, and then in the same breath do a complete 180 and tell me how ungrateful I am. It is emotionally exhausting. I''ve found that I am constantly walking on tip toes around her and trying hard to word things correctly so that she doesn''t flip out. She is a highly emotional and sensitive person who takes everything SO personally. I really think she is bipolar. I just don''t dare to tell her, and apparently no one else does either!

FI''s parents have asked if she will contribute anything at all, and I told them that I was afraid to ask her. She would probably give me a huge guilt trip if I asked her for any lump sum of money, or asked her for an idea of what she will be able to contribute-if anything. When she was in a good mood and talking about all the things that she wanted to take care of financially, I told her that FI''s parents wanted me to get back to them with a budget. That''s when she started to get attitude and said that there was no way for her to come up with a budget if she didn''t have any idea how many people were going or the date or whatever. She doesn''t really believe in budgets anyway....she would rather just be assigned a few things to pay for, but if she doesn''t like what I pick, then she won''t pay. She hasn''t SAID that, but I know that is how it will be.

Last xmas we went to VA, and FI''s parents helped us pay for the plane tickets. When my mother found out, she told us not to worry about next year, that she''s got it covered. A few days ago, I asked her if she still wanted to help since we are going to do both ME and VA (knowing that plans sometimes change)---she was so offended. She goes, "UM......well things CHANGE! I have $100 in my account right now" and started telling me all about her financial woes. Then the next day she''s sending me links to a $3000 photographer.

I could never ask her for money. I DON''T want her money. I just don''t even want to deal with this ugly side of her. When she''s sweet..she is SO sweet. When she''s nasty, she''s unbearable.

Oh man, you don''t even want to KNOW how she reacted when I told her we were getting my ring off the net! She kept telling me I was being scammed, and when I was explaining to her that I did my research (like a GROWN UP) she was telling me that I''m "stupid" and "not in my right mind". That if it''s a fake it will be my own fault that FI dumps me.

She talks to me like I''m still 12 years old.

I could just see myself on my wedding day being nervous that someting isn''t going to go as planned, and see her rolling her eyes and telling me to get over it or something. I could see her rubbing this wedding in my face on her death bed. But if I DON''T let her contribute, she''ll rub that in my face for the rest of her life too. "This could have been better...you should have done this". Or she''ll just break down in tears randomly and blame me for her not being involved. It''s a hard situation. I think if this blows over, I''m just going to say "pick the photographer and the cake" and let her do whatever she wants with those two things, and I''ll handle the rest. That way she is involved, but not too involved.

 

[NovemberBride]

While it does sound like your mom is a little over the top with her request/demands, and of course I do not know the history of your relationship with your mom, consider for a moment that your mom is likely as excited about your engagement and wedding planning as you are. She is probably really excited to be planning her daughter''s wedding. I know for one that my mom is almost more excited than I am about some aspects of the wedding (I just don''t get that excited about invitations, favors, out of town bags, etc). My mom and I have very different tastes, and I am also the sort of person that has definite ideas about what I like and don''t like. This has resulted in hurt feelings on several occassions when my mom feels that I don''t like any of her ideas. While FI and I certainly want the wedding to reflect our tastes, for me at least, it is very important to have my mom involved and to "let her win" sometimes on issues that just aren''''t that important (see aforementioned invites, favors, etc). In the end, it is more important to me that the wedding planning process is enjoyable for all involved than for me to have every single thing exactly how I want it. I don''t think I would be able to enjoy my wedding if everything was exactly how I dreamed but I knew my mom did not feel a part of it.

While you certainly don''t have to give in to all of her requests, just remember that she is likely coming from a good place and just wants you to have a beautiful wedding. My mom and I have had a contentious relationship at times over the years, but planning my wedding together will be something I will always remember. My advice would be to do everything possible to avoid fighting or cutting her off. Remember- this is supposed to be fun!

 

[Pandora II]

Oh you poor thing. What a nightmare!

I'm very lucky that my parents and FI's parents are totally hands off.

However, my grandmother spent yesterday trying to extract info from my mother and got nowhere. My mother just said they weren't her secrets to tell! Go mother!

So she calls me today and tried to wheedle info. I posted a few weeks back about what a pair of witches she and my aunt are and how annoyed I was that my newly engaged younger cousin had set his wedding date 4 weeks before mine. Well, turns out they set the date before booking the venue AND surprise, surprise they couldn't find a date anytime in June or July so now their wedding is in mid-May. Teehee.

Turns out the whole lot of them had been bitching away about my having such a ridiculously long engagement (18 months!) and my mother had said you needed that long to get a summer saturday. My mother hadn't said anything before so as not to upset me.

I also said in that thread that I bet they would ring me up and suggest I use the same bridesmaid dresses as my cousin. Guess what... yup she suggested exactly that. Lol...

The only person I've rowed with over an open bar is my brother. I refuse to have one - if people are paying to come from OOT I don't expect them to have to pay anything at my wedding. However I'm only serving 3 different sorts of wine. Brother wants spirits, so says he's going to go off to the bar in town. I told him he was very rude and uneducated if he did.

Why are families so ghastly when it comes to weddings???