I''m new, here''s my story

[notmyrealname]

Hi, ladies...I am really relieved to find this board. I can''t go on wedding forums or newlywed forums because they look down on me as a lesser because I am not engaged or married. Also, I always want to talk future/engagement/rings etc. with the BF and I feel like a nag. Hopefully I can let it all out here.

"Adam" and I have been dating for 3 years and a few months, although we grew up in the same town and I''ve known him for 10 years. We are in our early 20''s and recent college grads. He works (we are in a long distance relationship) and I''m in grad school for one more year.

We get along wonderfully. The only issue with us (mainly me) is future plans. In the beginning of our relationship, I did "The Rules" and it worked. This is the best relationship I''ve ever had because I let him chase me in the beginning. But I''ve grown more attached as the relationship went on and I can''t act nonchalant anymore about it.

We''ve discussed marriage since around the one year mark. In May 2006, he told me he was going to ask me to marry him within a year. That year came and went, with him taking a job out of state, which has been so hard on the relationship.

I don''t need to be engaged now (as in an ultimatum) but I told him I need to know at Christmastime if we are going to eventually get married. Does that make sense? He would like to make plans when I''m done with school, but he doesn''t want to wait that long after I graduate to be together. He says he doesn''t understand why it takes months to plan a wedding (he thinks it should take about 6 weeks tops).

With me, everything is about anticipation. I want to enjoy being engaged for a long time (at least a year and a half). I don''t want to have to fly into preparations, especially since I would be doing everything myself with him so far away. The anticipation thing is one reason I actually don''t want to get engaged yet...I sort of like the build up to it. That''s why all I want is to know that we are going to get engaged someday.

At this point, we have had so many conversations about it, I feel like it''s ruined a little and that when we do get engaged, it will be anticlimactic. Deep down, I might always wonder if he felt pushed into it.

Do any of you ladies have the same feelings or am I crazy? Everyone tells me "your time will come..." but you can''t help but feel disappointed sometimes.

 

[bee*]

Welcome

I think that a lot of girls here have spoken with their bf about getting engaged (me included) and I can tell you from personal experience that it doesn''t ruin the proposal. At Christmas, sit down and explain to him where you see the two of you going, that you''d like an 18 month engagement and other things that you like and see how he feels about it. See does he have any idea about when he'' like to get engaged (not an exact date, but as D did with me, by the end of the year or something like that). Then after you have this chat, let it drop and let him do his thing. That way you know that he does want to do it and you don''t have to feel like you''re pushing him into it. Best of luck!

 

[MissErin]

Yes welcome!! By the way, I love the screen name. hehe I agree with Bee* about the whole knowing how it feels to wait thing. This is THE BEST place to go about your frustrations and tears at times. Luckily, everyone is VERY supportive and have a wealth of guidance and advice. I am glad you found this site - I believe you will find it VERY helpful.

Let us know what happens come Christmas with his decision. Either way, we''ll be here to listen to you.

 

[rubybeth]

Date: 12/16/2007 1:19:55 AM
Author:notmyrealname


I don''t need to be engaged now (as in an ultimatum) but I told him I need to know at Christmastime if we are going to eventually get married. Does that make sense? He would like to make plans when I''m done with school, but he doesn''t want to wait that long after I graduate to be together. He says he doesn''t understand why it takes months to plan a wedding (he thinks it should take about 6 weeks tops).


With me, everything is about anticipation. I want to enjoy being engaged for a long time (at least a year and a half). I don''t want to have to fly into preparations, especially since I would be doing everything myself with him so far away. The anticipation thing is one reason I actually don''t want to get engaged yet...I sort of like the build up to it. That''s why all I want is to know that we are going to get engaged someday.


At this point, we have had so many conversations about it, I feel like it''s ruined a little and that when we do get engaged, it will be anticlimactic. Deep down, I might always wonder if he felt pushed into it.


Do any of you ladies have the same feelings or am I crazy? Everyone tells me ''your time will come...'' but you can''t help but feel disappointed sometimes.

First of all, welcome!!

Next, to answer your questions, I don''t think it would be weird to ask him for a timeline at Christmas. If you ask, don''t expect an immediate response, but definitely it''s good to know if he''s in it for keeps or not. If he is, tell him that you''d prefer having enough time to plan for a wedding and not be stressed out by it--which would also affect him, if you''re freaking out. Explain that venues can be booked up to a year in advance, and also that you''d just enjoy ''being engaged'' for a while before starting all the crazy planning involved. Time for BOTH of you to just be in love. You are NOT crazy! I have had so many conversations with my BF about the same exact things. Like, dude, are you going to do it or not? And if so, a general idea of when would be nice. And, btw, I''d like our wedding date to be 08.08.08. Hehe.

You will still get the build up because even if he agrees that he wants to marry you in the next couple of years, if he''s getting a ring made, or if you''re shopping together, or even if you''re not getting a ring at all and he''s just going down on one knee some random night 6 months from now... it will still be exciting! Plus, telling everyone about it and seeing (or reading, in the case of this forum) their excitement will also rub off on you.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Welcome notmyrealname!

Having just gone through the whole "Talk" I can tell you that it doesn''t necessarily ruin any aspect of the proposal. What it does do is help to calm your worries or fears and at the very least helps to solidify that you are both on the same page in terms of where you see your relationship going.

You are not the only woman to find her man thinks that a wedding is cut and dry and can be planned out in a matter of weeks. While there are couples out there who have achieved this monumental task, many prefer to have some breathing room between the engagement and wedding date. Most often, these things needs to be pointed out to men.

Don’t be afraid to talk to him about where you are headed together AND talk to him about what you would like in a ring. Quite a few ladies on these boards had a lot to do with the design of their rings. Some designed them from the concept to the finished product and picked out the center stone but their proposals were still a complete surprise to them.

 

[sandia_rose]

Welcome! I'm in the same boat as you are in many ways, and no, I don't think you're being weird/off-base, etc.

>I don't need to be engaged now (as in an ultimatum) but I told him I need to know at Christmastime
> if we are going to eventually get married. Does that make sense?

I've been with my boyfriend now for 2 years. We're a little older than a lot of people on this board - I'm almost 40 and he's almost 50. We talk about the future, moving in together, etc. often. But not in any specific terms, which is maddening. I have told him more than once - beginning from when we first started dating - that I want to settle down and while I don't want to rush into anything, neither do I want to be in "just a girlfriend" mode for years on end. 2 to 2-1/2 years is as long as I can do that, at my age and stage.

>I want to enjoy being engaged for a long time (at least a year and a half)....That's why all I want is to know
>that we are going to get engaged someday.

Read some of my prior posts (there are not that many), and you'll get a sense of why I also want to be engaged for a while - why moving in together is my immediate priority, while marriage can wait a bit. Between my boyfriend and I, we have life situations and issues that need to be either balanced or resolved before we can do anything. Some of those issues include: his too-small house that is not ideal for long-term, kid problems, a terminally ill relative, both of us still carrying baggage from hellish prior marriages, etc. Our relationship itself is great, but I know I have to wait until things stabilize. Waiting another year or two would be a lot easier if I had a ring on my finger.
>At this point, we have had so many conversations about it, I feel like it's ruined a little and that
>when we do get engaged, it will be anticlimactic. Deep down, I might always wonder if he felt pushed into it.

Coming from someone who's been married before and out of a marriage that was bad partly due to miscommunication and/or no communication - you can never communicate too much! In a relationship, it's not too much to want to know where you stand. It's the way you communicate that makes the difference. If you're rationally discussing things in a non-blaming or non-threatening fashion, then there is no way he should feel "pushed into it." Like I'd previously written: I told my boyfriend early in our relationship that I expect a commitment within 2 or 2-1/2 years, or I'd move on. I'm sympathetic to the fact that he's got a lot on his plate life-wise....however, I still will not wait more than 2-1/2 years. It will be 2-1/2 years in June 2008. When this subject first came up. he said to me, "How can you put a time limit on something like that?" To which I replied, "I'm almost 40. I'm at the age where I know what I want and don't want pretty quickly. I don't need more than 2 years to decide whether or not a man has life-mate potential. I want to settle down and build a future - not just aimlessly date. I can be engaged for a year or two - I don't have to get immediately married. But I also don't want to be in a relationship that isn't going anywhere when there are men out there who want the same thing and who will commit after a year or so." He thought about it for a second and said, "Yeah, I guess when you put it that way, it makes perfect sense, and I can't fault you for that." He knows my timeframe and is well-aware.....and the choice is his as to what he wants to do. I love the man deeply....but will not hesitate to walk if June 2008 comes and goes without a boo.

>Do any of you ladies have the same feelings or am I crazy? Everyone tells me "your time will come..."
>but you can't help but feel disappointed sometimes.

You are very NOT ALONE! If you're crazy, so are half or more of us on this board. I get disappointed often - especially when people I know (such as my brother!) are getting engaged -- and in some cases, they haven't dated their SOs as long as I've dated mine.

By the way, I posted a pic of us below if you wanted to see what we look like. This was taken at our friend's Jack and Jill Party last summer.....and I was already getting the "ring itch" then! And since I've posted about just how tall and big my SO is, here is photographic proof. For comparison purposes, I am 5'7" and weigh maybe 140.

Bridget in Connecticut.