I''m off the list

[brooke.lynne]

Hi, ladies.

Let me start by apologizing for how wildly overdue this post is.

On May 3, after almost 4 1/2 years of dating, my FI and I became engaged!

My ring is beautiful, absolutely gorgeous. I have gotten so many compliments and I still think it is the prettiest thing I''ve ever seen, and I lurvs that still-surprised feeling I get when I look down at my hand and catch its sparkliness in different lighting.

As my FMIL likes to say, it is the outcome that matters, not the method, and I am thrilled with the outcome. That being said, I never got a proposal. And he never told his family. And I cried. And I''m done crying and I''m not even mad at him because he genuinely feels badly that I was so disappointed, but I''m still upset.

I think this is what they mean when they warn you about "the happiest time of your life."

Basically, the day we were leaving for Paris, he came out of the bedroom in his boxers with messed up morning hair, held out the ring box, and said, "Here."

At first I was totally confused. I thought perhaps I was just supposed to be admiring the setting job since I hadn''t seen the stone set in the ring yet (he just had it done the day before) or something. But as we talked about the ring and how it came out I began to realize that this was it. I asked him what I was supposed to do now, and he said to put it on. So I asked him (with no small amount of iciness in my voice, I''m sure) if he''d like to put it on for me. So he did, sheepishly. Palpably aware of those missing 4 words, I asked him what this meant, hoping to coax him into it. By this point in the conversation he was in the kitchen, eating breakfast, and realized what I was getting at. He said with his mouth full, brandishing his spoon, and with a tone of utter indignation "What do you want me to say, ''will you marry me?''"

So I laughed it off and was happy. He said he would call my father (he leaked to my cousin''s husband and I didn''t want it to get back around to my parents before we had spoken to them, and we were about to get on a plane). But as the day wore on it became apparent that he really did not want to and he put it off until we were in the airport, waiting to board the flight. I''m pretty sure he only called as it is because he was afraid of my reaction if he didn''t -- at this point I was practically in tears at the departure gate.

In France, about three days later, I told him how disappointed I was. I really am trying not to make a big deal out of it. I have read posts from others who were disappointed by their proposal and always thought it was silly. Now I think it is because in the back of my mind I was afraid I wouldn''t get a proposal at all, and I was right. He tried to make excuses but that''s really all they were -- excuses. He said he wanted to give me the ring before we left so it wouldn''t get lost on the way and he didn''t want me to have to wait for it till we got home. But the fact is the ring and the diamond arrived six weeks before the trip and he only had it set the day before we left. And I really didn''t expect much. But it comes down to this: I''m a nice girl. This is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. I think I deserve to have him tell me that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and ask me to marry him... even if I already know all of that.

We enjoyed the trip (the weather was fabulous!) and agreed to tell his parents when we got home from the trip. Well, we got home, talked to both of our parents, and still nothing. He said he wanted to tell them in person. But then when his mom asked me to meet her for lunch (when he was at work) he begged me to keep the ring on so she would find out and tell the rest of the family. Like an idiot, I agreed to do it. I was insulted that he hadn''t told him (going on 8 days engaged) but I what I didn''t realize was how insulted his whole family was that he didn''t tell them. His father and sister were very disappointed, his grandparents were very confused. (His mom knows what to expect - we are close and she knows how generally unromantic he is).

The next day after that, I got really sick and got my period on the same day, and when he got home from work I was a wreck. He sat on the bed with me while I basically bawled like a baby about how this whole thing makes me feel like he really doesn''t want to be engaged at all. I know better than to take it personally. This is how he is, and I know that. It is not a reflection on me or how he feels about me. And moreover, it is something I can live with. But my feelings are hurt.

I know some women never got a ring, and others never got a proposal either, etc. but it just doesn''t make me feel any better about it.

Thanks for reading, to those that got this far. Any advice is much appreciated!

 

[FrekeChild]

Brooke.lynn

First of all, Congratulations!!!Regardless of method, you are still engaged, and I'm sure you're thrilled. As for the rest of it, I think you either need to let it go, or tell him how much its bothering you and let him try to make it up to you. I'm sorry it didn't happen the way you wanted it to-but it still happened.

So, Congratulations!!! (again)

And where are our pics? We need more of that gorgeous ring!!!

 

[mimzy]

brooke.lynne -

i don''t have any great words of wisdom for you, but i just wanted to offer some hugs and support. I''m sorry you were disappointed by it, and i think don''t really blame you for feeling that way. hopefully it will get through to him soon that he treated the situation poorly and tries to rectify it, at least a bit. i think it also might warrant a talk with him about what you expect in the future, romance wise. even if you have to spell it out for him, it''s better than setting yourself up for disappointment by leaving it up to him!

i hope you feel better soon, and can start enjoy being engaged!

 

[stryeyes102]

First off BIG HUGE HUGS!! Plus one of these

Im sorry that things didn''t go as planned, nor gracefully. I do agree with mimzy; perhaps you might have to talk to him about this and future issues. Some guys just don''t understand that being engaged, and the proposal are HUGE milestones for us ladies.. Sometimes we gotta club um on the head and spell it out!

Hopefully he will quit being such a butt and finally see how big a deal this was to you..Keep your chin up! Enjoy the fact that you are now engaged to the man that you have loved for years. The man you finally get to start your family with. Not to mention enjoy the gorgeous ring he gave you

*congrats*

 

[diamondfan]

Hey, congrats, and I think if he is not ultra romantic, this is just him. But I would let him make it up to you

!

 

[Circe]

Oh, congratulations on being engaged!

It sounds like your guy isn''t too romantic. And that''s not an indictment - neither is mine. My husband is caring, kind, generous beyond belief, and the first person to support me and give me what I need ... but will it ever occur to him to make a Grand Gesture of Romance of his own prerogative? Well ... no. But I''ve learned to spell out the sort of thing I want, and he''s learned to, well, listen, instead of postponing things until he can do them His Way. He still sort of screws it up once in a while (I say this with love) - but since we''re both adapting to *one another*, I''m actually coming to value the hand-to-the-forehead, "Crap! I wanted to get you flowers!" It''s might not all be roses, but it''s honest, and it''s an effort, and, for the first time in my life, it''s proof that there''s some value to that old saying about it being the thought that counts.

Now, I can sort of understand where your guy was coming from, in a dim and distant way that comes from being friends with a lot of guys: I would bet that his thought process was something along the lines of, "She knows it''s coming, she''s expressed the desire to be engaged, therefore, this is a de facto thing, right?" It''s exactly the way a non-romantic person would approach it. It doesn''t mean he''s any less THERE in the engagement. The thing about his parents, I''m not as clear on (I am *ridiculously* close to my parents), but it sounds like you are, and like his mom is, which is the important thing. Basically, it sounds like you guys are communicating, which is crucial ... it may take a while to find common ground on all of this, but you can do it. You''re engaged! You''re going to be man and wife! Revel in it.

 

[that_someone_special]

MEN!!!!

Congrats though. Perhaps he was just too nervous... and figured he''d make it easier on himself and be laid back about it. Or, maybe he did have a plan but it got ruined some how?? I''m sorry you didn''t get a super sweet romantic proposal-- never the less, you did get the ring, it''s very pretty, and in so many years you can tell your kids about the "least romantic proposal to ever take place in france!" hehe.

I always ask my mom how my dad proposed to her. She always says, "I dont remember.. I don''t think he did... we were just engaged".. So you are definately not alone with that!! Just think about how funny it''ll be in a few years Think positive and send us some hand pictures!!!

 

[gwendolyn]

Hiya, Brooke!

Congrats on being engaged! Sucks that it didn''t turn out the way you wanted, but you are both agreed that you''ll be getting married! That is cause for celebration, isn''t it?

I think the part about your story that makes me feel the most disappointed for you is that family part of it. Especially since he kept saying he''d tell them, and he didn''t, and then he just sort of let you do it for him by wearing the ring. Sounds like he''s (no offense) being a bit of a chicken about it. I think *that* more than the lack of knee-bending or rose-petal-throwing or whatever ultra-romantic proposals have would nag at the back of my mind, so if it was me in your position, I might focus on what his rationale was for not telling them when he said he would. Is he just not close with his family? I know my boyfriend J hardly talks to his parents at all and he lives/works with them everyday! I was amazed at how little they communicate! But saying, "Hey, we got engaged" is TOTALLY different (to me, anyway) than saying, "Hey, what''s going on? How''s your day going, pops? What''s new in life?" But I think maybe to some guys, they''re one and the same. If they aren''t usually very open and forthcoming with info and conversation to their families, then they aren''t. It''s not about your engagement to them, it''s about the fact that they always avoid conversations with the fam.

I would totally take it personally too in your situation, before knowing for sure what his motivations were for putting it off. Like your fiance (!!!), J is also very laid back and puts things off for no particular reason sometime. I know that I''d be pretty pi$$ed if he did that with our engagement, but to him, it might not feel like it''s anything different. I don''t know. We''ll have to see when it''s my turn--I might be here with your exact story!

So, yeah, I''d try at let the actual proposal itself go, if possible. Lots of them doing go the way we hope they will. I know there are lots of time when they don''t turn out to be romantic at all (um, my parents just had a conversation agreeing to get married, and then they bought a couch--no ring, a couch!). Plus, if it was just that *one* thing that had you disappointed, it''d be a lot easier to just get over it, but it''s *not* been just one thing. It was the proposal, and then every time he put off telling his parents. That''s a collection of things that have disappointed you, so I think you do need to talk to him about them. Hopefully he will set your mind at ease so you can start ENJOYING the fact that you are going to MARRY this man!!

 

[btrflygrl23]

Brooke

First off a big congrats on being engaged you should feel very happy about that. I think you are. Your ring is very beautiful and we''d love to see more pics soon.

As for your proposal don''t feel so bad, try to let it go and I know this is easier said than done as you were disappointed. Disappointment is a difficult feeling to let go. But from what you have written I don''t think he meant to disappoint you. I think he''s just really low key and being a guy probably didn''t realize how disappointed you would be.
I would say focus on your engagement to a man you clearly love you loves you and your gorgeous ring and let the wedding planning begin in earnest!
If you can''t get past it talk to him and maybe the two of you can figure something out so that you will feel better.
Again congrats on your engagement and good luck with your wedding planning!

 

[Deelight]

Brooke,
For a start congrats on getting engaged I know from your post it obviously was not how you wanted it to happen and your disappointed but I hope that at the end of the day you can still be happy that you are on a new path with your new FI .

My advice is (I am sure I am reiterating what others have said) is to sit down and have a talk to him about what happened with the not telling his family and yours and how that makes you feel, and possibly also the proposal as well hopefully he will understand and give you an understanding where he is at.

I really hope you had a magnificent time in France your ring is stunning .

 

[CNOS128]

Hooray!!! you''re getting married!

I don''t have any sage advice, and I know that you''re feeling a little disappointed, but when the initial shock wears off maybe it''ll become clear that he did this in his own way, and that it really IS the outcome that matters? Chin up!

You''re gettin'' married!!!

 

[LostSapphire]

First, let me congratulate you on your engagement. I am sorry it wasn't "all you'd hoped for"....but there was something in the back of my mind the whole time I was reading your post....and perhaps it explains his reaction? maybe???

Here is your 2nd post on this forum. I remembered it because it was so unusual. The 2 of you are obviously people who approach things from an unconventional perspective, so maybe his "proposal" such as it was, is the other half of where you were at back in December....

So below I've pasted your post. Maybe seeing it in this thread may help you to understand his underwhelming reaction.

I'm not being critical in any way of the 2 of you. My "proposal" was very similar. He had the ring, he handed it to me in a box and then said "there you go". Never really asked those magical 4 words either! Not romantic but that's the way Sweet DH is....and it's 22 years later....

Not all of us get that wonderfully romantic, hearts, flowers, cupids, etc. kind of moment. BUT it is the moments, days, hours and years after that really count!









Here's your post from December 2007:

Hey ladies.

I bought myself a ring... and need some insight!

I am four years into my relationship and seven months into my constant obsession with getting engaged, and a more recent ring fascination.

I recently imposed a no-talking-about-it-with-him rule on myself. I think it's easier to restrain myself from bringing it up than to listen to his hemming and hawwing about timing.

The flip side of that decision was analyzing why it was so important to me that we be engaged. I decided that I want to be engaged because I want to, and that is enough.

I knew I would love the feeling of wearing an engagement ring, and how it would make others look at me differently, especially at work, but I know he's just not ready to go there yet. That being said, we have discussed getting married, at length, for years now, and have taken a series of steps to make us closer. We both acknowledge that our relationship is beyond the point of no return, and when I do bring it up, he always says that he believes we are going to be married.

So I was chatting up a local jeweler (I sometimes indulge in browsing, even if I don't tell him) and happened upon an antique, 1920s era rose gold ring with a .10 or something diamond. It is not appropriate as an e-ring for our ages and place in life (I paid $100). So I bought it, on the spot. I've been wearing it on my left hand, and I okayed it with him. I also notified him that I would tell co-workers and friends that it was a gift from him (a lie). But I know that if people ask me if I'm engaged, I have to say no, mostly because my BF would think it was lying.

What makes a couple engaged? Agreeing to be married, right? The dropping to one knee, surprise thing is a cultural phenomenon that just doesn't seem to be part of his style. If anyone asked me who was a stranger or a neighbor who I didn't know well, I would just say I was engaged (I pretend to be his wife for doctor's appointment purposes all the time anyway).

I feel like I'm crazy for buying myself what can ostensibly be considered an e-ring. Help me manage the crazy!







Wishing you the very best in your future life together. Enjoy the moment...some day you'll be laughing back at his "proposal with a mouthfull of cereal!"

 

[smiles]

CONGRATS!!!
when i read the "proposal" part of your thread, while i realize that it was not exactly an ideal situation, there is almost (if you look realllllllly hard for it) something sweet in the fact that he feels so comfortable with you that such a situation could have even happened.

regarding the family part, i agree it with circe that it probably will work out in the end but given how upset you were it could still be worth an open honest conversation.
and, you can always give him the opportunity to make it up to you in some other way!!

 

[pjean]

Wow! That''s a beautiful ring! It must be hard not to accidentally trip or take wrong turns because you''re so busy gazing at it.

And Paris... drool...

I''m so sorry that not everything is going so smoothly. Like Gwendolyn (I swear I''m not stalking you!) I would tend to separate the non-romantic proposal issue from the not telling his family issue. Non-romantic is tough. You can work on it over the years, but I''m pretty sure I''m not ever going to get flowers on my birthday. Not telling his family, and letting them "find out", is a much bigger deal, to me.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/17/2008 11:27:00 AM
Author: pjean
Wow! That''s a beautiful ring! It must be hard not to accidentally trip or take wrong turns because you''re so busy gazing at it.

And Paris... drool...


I''m so sorry that not everything is going so smoothly. Like Gwendolyn (I swear I''m not stalking you!) I would tend to separate the non-romantic proposal issue from the not telling his family issue. Non-romantic is tough. You can work on it over the years, but I''m pretty sure I''m not ever going to get flowers on my birthday. Not telling his family, and letting them ''find out'', is a much bigger deal, to me.

LOL, yeah right, that''s what they all say.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Congratulations!! I am a bit concerned. Are you sure you want to marry him? I think you said he''s not the romantic type, or we''ve at least inferred it. Does this mean he doesn''t give Birthday cards, flowers on Valentine''s Day, things like that as well? Do you want those things? Because if you do, this may not be the right choice for you. And you''re sure this is what he wants, right? He was just being unromantic and not reacting to being forced into something? Because it kind of sounds like the way he gave you the ring was like, "Oh you asked for it 3384498439 so here it is..take it." Sorry if I am wrong, but that''s why I am asking questions. I am just concerned for you because while it is awesome you are engaged, you want to be engaged to someone who wants to be engaged to you. If you''re completely fine with things and don''t mind the unromantic stuff, then looks like things are fine!

 

[surfgirl]

brooke, I'm at a loss for what to say here...I too, remember that thread where you posted the post that Lost Sapphire re-posted for you and to me, that really says it all. Honestly - and I'm saying this because you're not yet married - I dont get a warm lovey dovey vibe from you and your now-FI, your description almost sounds resentful, based on how you described events. Let me give you my experience as a comparison. After many many years together, my guy finally whispered in my ear one morning (while I was checking my email and drinking my morning coffee in my PJs) and asked me to marry him. I know it's not the "Dream Proposal" that many women on PS go on about but I didn't care because it was SWEET, and SINCERE, and totally him. He would have been a nervous wreck planning some large scale event to propose and really, I didn't want him jumping through hoops just to propose, all I hoped for was that it would be sincere, and it was. He allowed me to start ring shopping alone as he was going away for a couple of weeks and during that time I found my ering. But when he got back, we shopped a bit more just in case...the ring was finally bought, and it had to go out for sizing. I'd already had it in my possession for appraisals before purchasing so we'd had it in the house already. I went out of town for a week and during that time the ring was sized and he picked it up. I came home exhausted from my trip and that night, on the couch, he sneaked the ring into the room and hid it in the side of the couch cushion (he's not very covert so I knew what he was doing!), and finally he said to me, "dont you want your engagement ring?!?" and he gave it to me. It's wasn't a crazy over the top proposal, but it was OUR proposal and I loved it. And even though it was a rather low key proposal/ring presentation process, once I had the ring, you can bet he didn't shut up about telling anyone who'd listen that we were getting married. He was thrilled. And yeah, he's a low key guy.

Now, I'm not saying all low key, mellow guys are like mine, but you're FI doesn't appear to be that into this process and you're clearly sensing that. Did you push him to get engaged? Is he resentful? Does he really want to get married? Do YOU really want to marry HIM? I ask because that post that you made, that LS referenced, is very, very telling, at least to LS and to me, and to Sarah. I think it is very bizarre that he didn't ask you to marry him and it is disturbing that he didn't even tell his own immediate family - I can see how you'd feel terrible about that. It makes it seem like he's not into the engagement at all.

I think your earlier post above says a lot about women who want to "be engaged" and "have a nice ring" and "plan a wedding" and "wear their dream dress", blah blah blah. In that post, you never really said anything about how this man makes you FEEL. Or about how YOU make HIM feel. It was all about the tangible things like rings, being able to tell people you're engaged, thinking somehow you'd get more respect from others if you had a ring on your hand...

Honey, none of those tangible things are good enough reasons to get engaged or married. And the very fact that you openly lied to people about that ring you bought for yourself and saying your guy bought it, that? Says so much. Along with the fact that you said you would have lied about it being an ering but your BF wouldn't have approved...Neither of those things are healthy. I think the issue on the table right now is that you're not listening to YOU brooke. I wish I could squeal with delight and congratulate you but after re-reading that early post you made, I remember clearly thinking at that time, "wow, those aren't reasons to get engaged at all." I'm saying all of this NOW, BEFORE you get too embroiled in the wedding planning phase, because you really REALLY REALLY need to figure out what YOU'RE intentions are here. And what HIS intentions are. Did you just want a ring and to be able to say "I'm engaged" or do you REALLY want to marry THIS guy. This guy who gave you a ring in a somewhat odd manner and then didn't even bother to tell his family he was engaged? It's truth time brooke. Better to figure these things out now, rather than later. Because if you think break ups are a bitch, you dont even want to know what divorces are like. You guys really need to sit down like two adults and have an adult conversation about all of this. No tears, just good old fashioned honesty. Dont put it off, please!

ETA: I honestly hope I'm all wrong about the above, but I'm basing my thoughts solely on what you've said in the past here, and what you said at the top of this thread. And you seem to be reaching out for some assistance and if I said something that wasn't honest, just so you'd feel better, that wouldn't necessarily be helpful, would it? So please know that everything I said about was said in a helpful tone...because I know it's not easy to hear such things at this point in time, but I think those things must be heard in order to move forward, yes?

 

[Rhea]

The ring is beautiful. Have you started a ring in the SMTR thread?

Brooke, guys don''t change. People don''t change what makes them. Are you ok with this? Is this what you want? A proposal isn''t everything but if you''re disappointed and have expressed that to me it says something that he hasn''t even tried to get into if *for you*, the person he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with. I''m not excited about the gifts I give my DH but it matters to him so I wrap it up for him and give it to him in way that he likes.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/17/2008 2:10:18 PM
Author: surfgirl
brooke, I''m at a loss for what to say here...I too, remember that thread where you posted the post that Lost Sapphire re-posted for you and to me, that really says it all. Honestly - and I''m saying this because you''re not yet married - I dont get a warm lovey dovey vibe from you and your now-FI, your description almost sounds resentful, based on how you described events. Let me give you my experience as a comparison. After many many years together, my guy finally whispered in my ear one morning (while I was checking my email and drinking my morning coffee in my PJs) and asked me to marry him. I know it''s not the ''Dream Proposal'' that many women on PS go on about but I didn''t care because it was SWEET, and SINCERE, and totally him. He would have been a nervous wreck planning some large scale event to propose and really, I didn''t want him jumping through hoops just to propose, all I hoped for was that it would be sincere, and it was. He allowed me to start ring shopping alone as he was going away for a couple of weeks and during that time I found my ering. But when he got back, we shopped a bit more just in case...the ring was finally bought, and it had to go out for sizing. I''d already had it in my possession for appraisals before purchasing so we''d had it in the house already. I went out of town for a week and during that time the ring was sized and he picked it up. I came home exhausted from my trip and that night, on the couch, he sneaked the ring into the room and hid it in the side of the couch cushion (he''s not very covert so I knew what he was doing!), and finally he said to me, ''dont you want your engagement ring?!?'' and he gave it to me. It''s wasn''t a crazy over the top proposal, but it was OUR proposal and I loved it. And even though it was a rather low key proposal/ring presentation process, once I had the ring, you can bet he didn''t shut up about telling anyone who''d listen that we were getting married. He was thrilled. And yeah, he''s a low key guy.


Now, I''m not saying all low key, mellow guys are like mine, but you''re FI doesn''t appear to be that into this process and you''re clearly sensing that. Did you push him to get engaged? Is he resentful? Does he really want to get married? Do YOU really want to marry HIM? I ask because that post that you made, that LS referenced, is very, very telling, at least to LS and to me, and to Sarah. I think it is very bizarre that he didn''t ask you to marry him and it is disturbing that he didn''t even tell his own immediate family - I can see how you''d feel terrible about that. It makes it seem like he''s not into the engagement at all.


I think your earlier post above says a lot about women who want to ''be engaged'' and ''have a nice ring'' and ''plan a wedding'' and ''wear their dream dress'', blah blah blah. In that post, you never really said anything about how this man makes you FEEL. Or about how YOU make HIM feel. It was all about the tangible things like rings, being able to tell people you''re engaged, thinking somehow you''d get more respect from others if you had a ring on your hand...

Honey, none of those tangible things are good enough reasons to get engaged or married. And the very fact that you openly lied to people about that ring you bought for yourself and saying your guy bought it, that? Says so much. Along with the fact that you said you would have lied about it being an ering but your BF wouldn''t have approved...Neither of those things are healthy. I think the issue on the table right now is that you''re not listening to YOU brooke. I wish I could squeal with delight and congratulate you but after re-reading that early post you made, I remember clearly thinking at that time, ''wow, those aren''t reasons to get engaged at all.'' I''m saying all of this NOW, BEFORE you get too embroiled in the wedding planning phase, because you really REALLY REALLY need to figure out what YOU''RE intentions are here. And what HIS intentions are. Did you just want a ring and to be able to say ''I''m engaged'' or do you REALLY want to marry THIS guy. This guy who gave you a ring in a somewhat odd manner and then didn''t even bother to tell his family he was engaged? It''s truth time brooke. Better to figure these things out now, rather than later. Because if you think break ups are a bitch, you dont even want to know what divorces are like. You guys really need to sit down like two adults and have an adult conversation about all of this. No tears, just good old fashioned honesty. Dont put it off, please!


ETA: I honestly hope I''m all wrong about the above, but I''m basing my thoughts solely on what you''ve said in the past here, and what you said at the top of this thread. And you seem to be reaching out for some assistance and if I said something that wasn''t honest, just so you''d feel better, that wouldn''t necessarily be helpful, would it? So please know that everything I said about was said in a helpful tone...because I know it''s not easy to hear such things at this point in time, but I think those things must be heard in order to move forward, yes?

I completely agree with surfgirl and I can''t add anything that she didn''t already say so well. I really believe that you should think long and hard about whether or not you want to marry this man. I''m sorry if that sounds harsh.

 

[decodelighted]

Very pretty ring & congrats on your engagement!

As to the proposal issue ... this is the same guy who''s headed off to law school & you''ll be doing the breadwinning for the next few years, right? IIRC on another thread you said that HE said "I''d better give you the ring before you start paying for me".

This is not a romantic guy IMHO. You''d better get REAL with yourself about this before you walk down that aisle. Not everybody needs gooey words & hearts & flowers etc ... do you? Really? Honestly? Are you maybe, just a little widdle bit glossing over parts of his very real personality because you want to be married so badly? I''m am NOT saying that''s the case or even guessing it ... I just want YOU to think about it for yourself. A lot of your post seem to dwell on his shortcomings & lack of enthusiasm for your new life together. Maybe he is simply blase & you''re used to it??? His mom''s analysis seems to run towards "that''s just him" and not "he''s dragging his feet" so I suppose that''s worth something.

Have you calmly & rationally discussed your wish for a "real" proposal with him? Would you ever offer to give the ring back to him if he expressed even the teensiest regret and/or willingness to do it again? Relationships are surely about compromise ... but they''re also about two people 100% EXCITED to spend the rest of their lives together. Is he? Are you? Ring or no, I''d want more info & more open honest conversation before going much further planning that life together. JMHO.

 

[isaku5]

Congratulations on your "proposal" and lovely ring!

The cynic who lives within me is on high alert while I read your post, and re-read December''s.

Please tell us what his positive personality traits are as I''m very disappointed in the way he treats you. Believe me, if he is as lucklustre as he seems, the relationship is doomed. Sorry, that''s not the kind of info you want, but it is true. He will not change!

His lack of enthusiasm now is just the inauspicious beginning to a lifetime of more of the same.

Are you really, really sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that??

Please think long and hard before you fully commit to marry and support him for the next 4 years....or more.

 

[Kayakqueen83]

Congratulations and your ring is beautiful!!!

As for the proposal, you know your finance better then any of us, so you know whether his lack of romanticism is something you can handle. I do understand your disappointment on the proposal, or lack there of. But as many have said it''s the man you marry, not the proposal.

Good luck to you.

 

[thekinglives]

Wise words I think, Isaku

Congratulations Brooklynne, I hope you
can find a resolution with your man that
settles your feelings. Even though you
accept the way he is, the 'not telling
his family' part would bother me, too.

If he's the man for you, your feelings
might get ruffled by his lack of appreciation
for your 'situation-specific romanticism' (would
that be right?) but overall all should be
calm and feel right. I agree with the idea
thus far that a good honest discussion is
in order. If you're not warmly received
and truly 'heard' I would hand the
ring back and ask for a 'redux' - one
that involves him making some heartfelt
(even if it is token) effort to meet
every woman's romantic dream - but
that's just me.

Hope this helps

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I am new, so I don''t have the background on your posts other than the two posted here. I had the red flag feelings that the others have had, but I can also look at my own relationship and know that a million things can change in six months, so maybe everything is great and open between you and your FIANCE (Best Wishes!!!) now compared to when you wrote that old post.

Because other posters have posted the well written cautions, I''m going to give you some "on the other hand" advice.

If you believe with all your heart that this is the man that you want to marry, because you love him deeply and he loves you deeply, and his lack of romanticism is just one of his "endearing" qualities, BUT you really want this one occasion to be ROMANTIC, then ... MAKE YOUR OWN PROPOSAL! Maybe you have to give romance to a man if you want to receive it.

Stay with me; I know it sounds crazy! However, some of the most fun romantic and meaningful times in my past relationships have been when I planned out an evening for an SO. I spread the rose petals, I lit the candles, I did the sneaky white lie to get them to the right place, I wrote the sappy love note for them to find on a scavenger hunt, or I took a full five minutes to gush about all the reasons that I loved them. I''ve had beautiful surprise flowers given to me, full paid trips to San Diego or Boston, and love letters written to me, but I have to say that my most memorable romantic times have been the ones that I orchestrated. Maybe I am weird, but it''s the truth. My favorite gifts have been the ones that I have given, not the ones I have received.

So make your perfect over the top night, and give that night to your fiance. Tell him why you love him. Spend ten minutes detailing all the reasons that you feel like the luckiest girl and are honored to become his wife. If he doesn''t get sappy back or at least appreciate the effort on some level and recognize that it meant something to you so it should mean something to him, then you might consider handing him the ring back and politely asking him to inform his family that you won''t be getting married as you walk out the door. Who knows? He might enjoy the gesture so much that he''ll start doing things for you too!

 

[Hera]

I think if I were you, I would give the ring back and tell him if he wants to do it the right way he should do it again. I know that''s drastic and I normally would not suggest such a thing normally, but he really needs to make this right for you. He needs to tell his parents, your parents and then ask you to marry him in a way that is NOT so nonchalant, with meaning and without food in his mouth.

 

[gwendolyn]

Hmm, I had forgotten about that post from December. That puts things in another light.

I think a long, deep soul-search might be in order, regardless of whether or not you talk with him about these things. What *does* being engaged mean to you? I mean, if you were ok with lying to people (strangers) about this other ring being your engagement ring, which you bought for yourself, and now you're unhappy with everything that's happened around your engagement...? I don't know what that means. Were you more ok with being seen as engaged when it was on your terms? Did you secretly have higher expectations of the proposal, even though in your December post, you acknowledged that he's NOT the most romantic guy in the world?

It almost sounds to me like you are more interested in the façade of an engagement than being committed to acting as a team and sharing a life with someone else. Perhaps that comes across as very harsh or mean, but I don't intend it as such. These are just the things your posts (present and December) that make me wonder, and if I was in your position, I think I'd want to be very clear on where I stand before proceeding forward with this guy. Just because you've spent four and a half years together doesn't necessarily mean he's 'the one.'

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/17/2008 4:16:39 PM
Author: decodelighted
Very pretty ring & congrats on your engagement!


As to the proposal issue ... this is the same guy who''s headed off to law school & you''ll be doing the breadwinning for the next few years, right? IIRC on another thread you said that HE said ''I''d better give you the ring before you start paying for me''.


This is not a romantic guy IMHO. You''d better get REAL with yourself about this before you walk down that aisle. Not everybody needs gooey words & hearts & flowers etc ... do you? Really? Honestly? Are you maybe, just a little widdle bit glossing over parts of his very real personality because you want to be married so badly? I''m am NOT saying that''s the case or even guessing it ... I just want YOU to think about it for yourself. A lot of your post seem to dwell on his shortcomings & lack of enthusiasm for your new life together. Maybe he is simply blase & you''re used to it??? His mom''s analysis seems to run towards ''that''s just him'' and not ''he''s dragging his feet'' so I suppose that''s worth something.


Have you calmly & rationally discussed your wish for a ''real'' proposal with him? Would you ever offer to give the ring back to him if he expressed even the teensiest regret and/or willingness to do it again? Relationships are surely about compromise ... but they''re also about two people 100% EXCITED to spend the rest of their lives together. Is he? Are you? Ring or no, I''d want more info & more open honest conversation before going much further planning that life together. JMHO.

ditto. Congrats on the engagement and your ring is a beauty, however I do agree with deco, surfgirl and a couple of others. I don''t think that men change as such but they can make an effort. D is not romantic, he''s more practical however for the proposal he really made and effort and it was so romantic. Not telling family would have really bothered me. Why didn''t he tell his family about his beautiful new fiance? I think that you guys really need to have a chat about things. And then you also have to look at yourself and see can you marry someone who isn''t going to make an effort for you.

 

[lisa1.01fvs1]

I think the title of your post here is very telling.

On the face of it sounds like you want to be engaged and he does not (at least not right now).

I don''t buy into the "just accept he''s not romantic" believe me when a man sees what he wants he manages to
pull all sorts of romantic behavior out of himself if that''s what it takes. Otherwise he''s just a lazy, disinterested slob (with food in his mouth).

Sounds like he put forth the least amount of effort here b/c he felt like he could.

Are you off the list?

Or dying to be on the list if the proposal/guy was right?

I hope you stay off the list for your own mental health until things become more clear for both of you.

A realtionship/proposal is a small glimpse into what''s to come for many days, years, months in the real future.

I think anyone could do better. Perhaps he will but it better be good.

 

[monarch64]

What? I say, who cares..you're engaged!!! Congrats!!!

 

[surfgirl]

brooke, I do hope you come back and let us know what''s going on with you. I''m sure you''ve read all the comments on this thread, and I''m sure you know people are responding based on what you''ve said in this post as well as in the past. But I hope you also realize that we''re all just concerned about you...