I''m so angry, I could scream....vent (kinda long)

[havernell]

Date: 10/20/2009 10:44:37 PM
Author:princessplease

So I decided that my nieces, who are 7 and 2, would be a jr BM (along with my sister, who will be 12 at wedding time) and a flower girl. I told my SIL, and everything was fine. Well, after much thought, I decided that my 7 year old niece was too young to be a jr BM, and decided that she was best fit for a flower girl.

I am really sorry you are going through all this. I am always shocked how crazy families can get over weddings. I know we had our fair share of family crap around ours and it still hurts to this day. I agree with the other posters that if you can fund the wedding by yourself, do it.

However, *if* in the end, you do need to accept money from family for your wedding, the best advice I can give is to leave decisions as they are once they are made so as to not rock the boat and cause more drama. I'm not sure why you originally felt that the seven year old was old enough to be a jr bridesmaid but later changed your mind, but in these types of situations, it's often better to just leave things as they are and keep peace in the family rather than trying to change things mid-stream. Now, I'm not trying to say you aren't allowed to change your mind about your own wedding (you certainly are), but just understand that changing your mind doesn't just affect you- others are going to react to it and you're going to have to deal with the fall out.

Basically, my main point is that you need to pick your battles. Perhaps little things like what role the seven year old plays in the wedding isn't a battle that's worth picking. If you are going to have to put up with your family during wedding planning, you need to learn how to manage them. Don't make things even harder on yourself by giving them reasons to be upset. And definitely think through all of your decisions carefully before you tell other people what you have decided so that you don't have to back out of your own decisions later!

My sincere "best of luck" to you!

 

[caribqueen]

Oh, that''s so sad. I hope you and your FI can put your heads together and figure out where to go from here. I agree with another poster that if you can''t do it solely without your father''s money then try to use as little as possible and tell him what part of the wedding it''s being used for and that he can only have impact or say on that particular area or vendor. (Just an idea).

My parents are paying for my wedding and the thing about that is that I have had to make some concessions. One that we made was that we''ll have 225 - 250 people versus my wish for just 150. But you have to compromise when someone else is paying and I was okay with that. As long as your concessions are within reason and not manipulative concessions then it''s okay. The thing is, this wedding is a huge deal for my father. I''m not sure if that''s the same case for yours. For many fathers, it''s their chance in the limelight too - they get to show off their daughter and then give her away. I try to keep that in the back of my mind to keep things in perspective. But despite everything my dad has always maintained that it''s my wedding and whatever my FI and I want is what''s important to him.

I hope you and your dad can find some reasonable common ground.

 

[princessplease]

An interesting update:
Said SIL emails me and tells me the following "Well, I think Jessica (niece) will be really upset because she can''t be like Gayle (my sister, who will be 12)." That was it. No "she''s sad because she really wanted to be a jr Bm" or "oh, she feels too old to be a FG". Just she wants to be like my 12 year old sister. That''s it. The kid wants to be older. It has nothing to do with the role!

havernell- I made her a jr BM before I really delved into learning what the role was and what the appropriate age was. I definitely messed up there.

caribe-Thanks. I know I have to make concessions, but this seems so ridiculous to me that it shouldn''t be an issue. It;s just so silly!

 

[decodelighted]

Well if THAT''s the case you should send that 7 year old the story that''s floating around here on Pricescope about "the case of the MID-TWENTIES gal asked to be a flower girl" -- and she did it!!! With panache & style I might add.

 

[princessplease]

Date: 10/22/2009 9:25:36 AM
Author: decodelighted
Well if THAT''s the case you should send that 7 year old the story that''s floating around here on Pricescope about ''the case of the MID-TWENTIES gal asked to be a flower girl'' -- and she did it!!! With panache & style I might add.

Hahahaha!!!!!! I JUST read that story on cindy''s FG post yesterday. I should email it to SIL, lol!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 10/22/2009 10:02:22 AM
Author: princessplease

Date: 10/22/2009 9:25:36 AM
Author: decodelighted
Well if THAT''s the case you should send that 7 year old the story that''s floating around here on Pricescope about ''the case of the MID-TWENTIES gal asked to be a flower girl'' -- and she did it!!! With panache & style I might add.

Hahahaha!!!!!! I JUST read that story on cindy''s FG post yesterday. I should email it to SIL, lol!

You know ... it seems crazy but it might not be a bad idea. It could break the ice about the situation in a funny way and give SIL "talking points" for the seven year old. If she knew a "big girl" was a flower girl -- maybe she''d feel differently about it.

I wouldn''t let her know about Pricescope or print it directly -- but you could share the story somehow with pictures.

 

[iheartscience]

Yikes, princessplease...sorry you''re dealing with this craziness. It still shocks me how manipulative some parents can be about money, especially for weddings. I agree with the others-if I was in your place I would tell my father to keep his money and then pay for my own wedding, even if it was just cake and punch in someone''s back yard.

And as for the flower girl ages, my two oldest nieces were flower girls in my wedding in July, and they were 7 and 8 at the time. I think junior bridesmaid is more for teens/tweens, although of course it doesn''t really matter.

 

[Clairitek]

The most recent wedding I was in had flower girls that ranged in age from 8 to 11 or 12. Seriously. They were the younger cousins of my friend''s husband. There were already 5 bridesmaids in the party so in order to include them in the wedding it was in a flower girl role. I don''t think any of them seemed to care that they were older flower girls. They did wear a more "mature" dress than the standard frilly white flower girl dress. Perhaps you can try to work out a coordinating dress for the 7 year old with the younger flower girls dress?

I''ve attached a pic of the flowers girls with the ushers.

 

[Diva0413]

Date: 10/21/2009 1:10:04 AM
Author: hawaiianorangetree

Date: 10/20/2009 11:13:43 PM
Author: kama_s
I might be too harsh in how I would react to this, but if it were ME, I would ask turn down dad''s money and not invite him or anyone else that can''t support you on your wedding day (which includes your SIL and her kids). You will, to the very least, also be saving some extra money since you''re not getting anymore from your father.

I totally, utterly and completely agree with kama_s.

Tel him you don''t want the money, plan a wedding that you want and can afford and tell him that people who do not love, respect and support you for YOU will not be invited to the wedding, him included.

My daughter is 9, she is only a head shorter than i am and she is going to be a flowergirl!!

Wow. I''m so sorry this is happening to you. It''s shameful (from personal experience) that weddings can really bring out the worse in people. I agree with everyone else on this thread. I really hope things get better for you.

 

[katamari]

I am sorry you are dealing with this, especially the utter disregard of your feelings and wishes by your dad. No matter how much you know how he is, I know it still has to hurt. I hope you find a solution that is best for you and your FI.

 

[AprilBaby]

I am so sorry this is happening to you! I also advise not to take a penny from Dad. Not only will he control your wedding, but he will hang it over your head for the rest of your life. Having just had my son married recently, the Father of the Bride did the same thing. Now he tries to control where they live, what they do, who they see (and he doesn't want them to see us.) Do it YOUR way. Get rid of the SIL and the flowergirls. It's YOUR day!

 

[tlh]

I was a bridesmaid many times, (CORRECTION meant to say FLOWER GIRL, sorry!) until I was 11 YRS OLD! I had no clue that I was too old for the role... and I didnt' care, I just loved being a part of a special day, to a very close family member.

This situation sucks... but to be honest, your father is holding money over your head to gain control, when one of the very first sentances in your orignal post was that he never planned/ wouldnt give you money for the wedding. Sounds like he never plans on giving you a dime... just manipulating YOU to serve his own needs. Sorry, but this isn't very fatherly.

Don't take a penny from your father. Done.

Uninvite anyone who you feel you "have to invite" but will not support you in the fullest. A wedding is to honor YOU and YOUR FH and your two families joining together to shower you with love, and welcome you both into a happy married life together... not THIS. And you know what... telling your dad you don't want him to walk you down the aisle, but someone else who has been fully supportive of you all the years (if you were planning on having him do so -) may get him to realize that not only are you getting married and starting a new life w/ someone - he may very well be losing you... or just tell him you no longer want him there. That may really strike a nerve.


I'm just really sorry you are going through this. Huge hugs.

 

[princessplease]

Another update:
My mom called my dad and basically ripped him a new one. She kept saying that he denied many times forcing me to put these kids in my wedding, but of course, my mom knew he was full of it. One thing that stood out to me was she said "Well your daughter could be a real b***h and take the kids out" to which he replied "then I won''t go if she does that". Are you freaking kidding me????!!!!!!! My dad sees these grandkids about 4x/year, and the fact that he cares more about them than me is just disgusting. It''s all for show; he loves them, of course, because they''re his son''s children, but he''s by no means even a good grandfather. He just buys them toys so they think he''s a "good poppop" but he never goes and sees them unless it''s a holiday or birthday when there is a party. It disgusts me that he could care less that his actions and words hurt me. Luckily, my mom said she will do whatever it takes to make sure the wedding day is everything I want it to be, and that she will fight with me on this if SIL decides to be nasty and not have the dresses approved by me, etc (she didn''t like the dresses I suggested to her, so now I''m worried that she''ll dress her kids in something horrible and unmatching with my dress color). There was other stuff said but this was the jist of it.

deco-I may just do that....just save the pic, and say it was a friend of mine''s wedding. Thanks!

Thing- Thanks. I really feel as though that is a role for the tween/teen, which is exactly why my 12 year old sister will be one.

Ctek- Thanks for sharing that picture. That''s a really good idea. I was thinking of doind some sort of sash in one of our colors on a more "grown up" looking ivory dress, with the little one being in strict ivory.

Diva-Thank you.

kat- Thank you, too.

April- Thanks. I definitely don''t want him controlling the whole day.

tlh- My mom suggested doing that, but with what he said in the update, I don''t know if that truly would bother him. I just feel like I wanna be sick from all of this.

 

[bee*]

If your dad would side with his grandkids over coming to the wedding, do not take money off him. I''d cut back on the wedding or postpone it a bit until you can afford it yourself. It''s not worth taking the money off him.

 

[princessplease]

Thanks bee. I appreciate your response.