NewEnglandLady
Ideal_Rock
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I''m starting to resent this whole thing.
- Thread starter upsidedown
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LostSapphire
Ideal_Rock
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ilovethiswebsite
Brilliant_Rock
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upsidedown
Rough_Rock
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Wow, getting so much feedback on my situation is intense after internalising it for so long. It''s so huge to be able to talk about this.
The cohabiting-as-a-step-to-marriage trap seems to be one I''ve fallen into. But, I''m here, so pointing it out might not be the most helpful thing ever
The ''first child at 30'' is more about completing a family by 35. This is partly because of risks in pregnancy after that age, partly because I want my kids to have a good opportunity to know my parents, and partly because of how much energy I (might not) have to be running after toddlers when I''m pushing 40.. So, 31 would be OK.
I do feel that I''m old/wise/experienced enough to judge a person''s character.. He genuinely loves me, would never be unfaithful, talks about a future together, he''s happy and comfortable.. but it sounds like that is the problem - he is too comfortable.
Something I forgot to mention on my first post (d''oh) is that my bf has a tattoo incorporating both of our names. Leading up to the day he got it, he was hinting that my present ''just felt right'' and that it was permanent/forever and that I wouldn''t ever be able to doubt how he felt, etc. I think those days leading up to the tattoo were the days when my ''LIW syndrome'' began.
It was a huge gesture, and for someone like me who has some issues about feeling worthy of love etc, his tattoo has been intensely helpful for me to trust his words and actions over my issues.
That''s part of the reason that I wonder why marriage is such a big deal to me. I do have a man who wants a future with me, we''re not religious, why does a piece of paper matter? But.... it just does. It really matters.
SO.. I did have a little talk with him, and we are going out this weekend to have a practical conversation about the future. I''ll be all practicality and no emotion (well that''s the plan) and he''ll do a lot of the talking (that''s the other part of the plan)...
Watch this space!
The cohabiting-as-a-step-to-marriage trap seems to be one I''ve fallen into. But, I''m here, so pointing it out might not be the most helpful thing ever
The ''first child at 30'' is more about completing a family by 35. This is partly because of risks in pregnancy after that age, partly because I want my kids to have a good opportunity to know my parents, and partly because of how much energy I (might not) have to be running after toddlers when I''m pushing 40.. So, 31 would be OK.
I do feel that I''m old/wise/experienced enough to judge a person''s character.. He genuinely loves me, would never be unfaithful, talks about a future together, he''s happy and comfortable.. but it sounds like that is the problem - he is too comfortable.
Something I forgot to mention on my first post (d''oh) is that my bf has a tattoo incorporating both of our names. Leading up to the day he got it, he was hinting that my present ''just felt right'' and that it was permanent/forever and that I wouldn''t ever be able to doubt how he felt, etc. I think those days leading up to the tattoo were the days when my ''LIW syndrome'' began.
It was a huge gesture, and for someone like me who has some issues about feeling worthy of love etc, his tattoo has been intensely helpful for me to trust his words and actions over my issues.
That''s part of the reason that I wonder why marriage is such a big deal to me. I do have a man who wants a future with me, we''re not religious, why does a piece of paper matter? But.... it just does. It really matters.
SO.. I did have a little talk with him, and we are going out this weekend to have a practical conversation about the future. I''ll be all practicality and no emotion (well that''s the plan) and he''ll do a lot of the talking (that''s the other part of the plan)...
Watch this space!
Independent Gal
Ideal_Rock
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That sounds like a GREAT plan! Let us know how it goes, OK?
I hope it''s a Haven type talk that ends with ''Well, duh! If that''s how you feel, let''s do it!''
I hear ya on the wanting to get on with the kids thing. I would also like to be done with pregnancy by 35 if it works out that way. That makes perfect sense, and I hope he hears you on that. Men (and most young women, for that matter) sometimes don''t get how ravaging pregnancy actually is, and how dangerous it can be too. Which isn''t to say you can''t have kids after 35, but if you have a choice, then heck, do it sooner! (Not to mention the fertility decline issues).
And as someone who got ''the piece of paper'' a month or so ago, it really does feel different. DH says so too. It just feels. Different. Really different. In a really fantasticly GOOD way.
I hope it''s a Haven type talk that ends with ''Well, duh! If that''s how you feel, let''s do it!''
I hear ya on the wanting to get on with the kids thing. I would also like to be done with pregnancy by 35 if it works out that way. That makes perfect sense, and I hope he hears you on that. Men (and most young women, for that matter) sometimes don''t get how ravaging pregnancy actually is, and how dangerous it can be too. Which isn''t to say you can''t have kids after 35, but if you have a choice, then heck, do it sooner! (Not to mention the fertility decline issues).
And as someone who got ''the piece of paper'' a month or so ago, it really does feel different. DH says so too. It just feels. Different. Really different. In a really fantasticly GOOD way.
claireabelle
Shiny_Rock
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tough situation... I really feel for you - but not so much about the timeline/ LIW part (because i agree with others here that some peole do need more time to make that lifelong commitment. It''s something you need to discuss and work out together)
my main concern is just the way he''s been making you feel.... it''s obvious that you admire / respect him and are not getting anything in return.
He is really ruling the relationship. Aries or not, it sounds like he is constantly belittling you, and forgive me if I''m wrong - but perhaps you''ve lost a bit of self worth??
Don''t forget that this is your relationship too! You should be able to discuss your future with the person you love without being reduced to tears...
Communication is the key. You''ll work it out - and remember you have EQUAL rights. xx
my main concern is just the way he''s been making you feel.... it''s obvious that you admire / respect him and are not getting anything in return.
He is really ruling the relationship. Aries or not, it sounds like he is constantly belittling you, and forgive me if I''m wrong - but perhaps you''ve lost a bit of self worth??
Don''t forget that this is your relationship too! You should be able to discuss your future with the person you love without being reduced to tears...
Communication is the key. You''ll work it out - and remember you have EQUAL rights. xx
claireabelle
Shiny_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 28, 2008
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tough situation... I really feel for you - but not so much about the timeline/ LIW part (because i agree with others here that some peole do need more time to make that lifelong commitment. It''s something you need to discuss and work out together)
my main concern is just the way he''s been making you feel.... it''s obvious that you admire / respect him and are not getting anything in return.
He is really ruling the relationship. Aries or not, it sounds like he is constantly belittling you, and forgive me if I''m wrong - but perhaps you''ve lost a bit of self worth??
Don''t forget that this is your relationship too! You should be able to discuss your future with the person you love without being reduced to tears...
Communication is the key. You''ll work it out - and remember you have EQUAL rights. xx
my main concern is just the way he''s been making you feel.... it''s obvious that you admire / respect him and are not getting anything in return.
He is really ruling the relationship. Aries or not, it sounds like he is constantly belittling you, and forgive me if I''m wrong - but perhaps you''ve lost a bit of self worth??
Don''t forget that this is your relationship too! You should be able to discuss your future with the person you love without being reduced to tears...
Communication is the key. You''ll work it out - and remember you have EQUAL rights. xx
HollyS
Ideal_Rock
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- Jul 18, 2007
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No, it''s not a fabrication or a fantasy. But, a guy''s decision to marry must be his decision, made when he''s ready. Not when we''re ready. One or two or sometimes even three years into a relationship is rarely going to be long enough for the average guy to make that decision. Assuming that ''playing house'' is commitment on his part is where many women make mistakes that cause them serious heartache.
As I said, cohabitation in itself is not the problem. It''s also not the answer for women who think that marriagewill be the ''next logical step''.
HollyS
Ideal_Rock
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TravelingGal
Super_Ideal_Rock
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risingsun
Ideal_Rock
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Another member of the fuddy duddy club here. When I moved in with my now DH, it was with the clear expectation that we would be getting engaged within a few months of moving in and married about 1-2 years after that. As the time came closer to moving in, my husband proposed. We both thought that this level of commitment was important before sharing the same home. We were married within the year. It wasn't a moral decision, it was a commitment decision.
Upsidedown:
I''m sorry to read about the rough time you are having. I can''t imagine what you''re going through...but I have seen several of my friends go through it. For your sake, I hope your situation turns out better than theirs. All of my friends who co-habitated without making a SPECIFIC plan with their guy before doing so have broken up with those guys.
You are definitely in a pickle. I''m glad you have a plan to talk with him about the sitch this weekend. Hear him out, see what he has to say. Let him do most of the talking. And when he''s finished, you should feel free to let him know that a 5-year plan is not something you would feel comfortable with.
Relationships are often a negotiation. No one person should be driving the boat on their own terms alone. He needs to factor your needs into the equasion as well. I''m very interested in hearing how your talk goes.
That said, for those who are considering cohabitation - PLEASE do not do it without an agreed upon plan for permanant commitment! Do not assume anything.
Guys love the comfort and frankly, the convenience (and affordability) of living with a woman. But they rarely ever associate moving in together with marriage unless it''s specifically discussed and agreed upon before you decide where you are going to live. Also - once the guy is in...there''s no reason in their eyes to get married. And, there goes the commitment we all want so much - right out the window.
My bf brought up moving in together. I told him that I love him, and would love to live with him...but that I would not do so until after a proposal and a date is set. He completely understood, bought a ring and I''m waiting for the proposal (which I suspect will be over Memorial Weekend..he tripped up a couple times). We''ll talk about moving in after that.
Good luck with your talk this weekend, Upsidedown. I''ll be thinking about you!
I''m sorry to read about the rough time you are having. I can''t imagine what you''re going through...but I have seen several of my friends go through it. For your sake, I hope your situation turns out better than theirs. All of my friends who co-habitated without making a SPECIFIC plan with their guy before doing so have broken up with those guys.
You are definitely in a pickle. I''m glad you have a plan to talk with him about the sitch this weekend. Hear him out, see what he has to say. Let him do most of the talking. And when he''s finished, you should feel free to let him know that a 5-year plan is not something you would feel comfortable with.
Relationships are often a negotiation. No one person should be driving the boat on their own terms alone. He needs to factor your needs into the equasion as well. I''m very interested in hearing how your talk goes.
That said, for those who are considering cohabitation - PLEASE do not do it without an agreed upon plan for permanant commitment! Do not assume anything.
Guys love the comfort and frankly, the convenience (and affordability) of living with a woman. But they rarely ever associate moving in together with marriage unless it''s specifically discussed and agreed upon before you decide where you are going to live. Also - once the guy is in...there''s no reason in their eyes to get married. And, there goes the commitment we all want so much - right out the window.
My bf brought up moving in together. I told him that I love him, and would love to live with him...but that I would not do so until after a proposal and a date is set. He completely understood, bought a ring and I''m waiting for the proposal (which I suspect will be over Memorial Weekend..he tripped up a couple times). We''ll talk about moving in after that.
Good luck with your talk this weekend, Upsidedown. I''ll be thinking about you!
Upsidedown - "The cohabiting-as-a-step-to-marriage trap seems to be one I've fallen into. But, I'm here, so pointing it out might not be the most helpful thing ever"
I don't think anyone is trying to attack or judge...just think were (I'm) trying to say that living together NOW might not be the best option for you if you're looking to move things along. Most men take advantage of the fact you live together and aren't in any rush to move things in the commitment direction anytime soon. And the saying goes... "Why buy the cow if the milk is free?". Living together now may help you out, but maybe you shoud discuss that with your bf. Ask him if living together is making him feel trapped now? Is there anything he would like to do, etc. before you get married? A lot of couples only live together because it makes sense financially... I'm not opossed to living together before marriage as it has made me more comfortable with my bf now and I don't think I would have changed anything ... but with that said, it wasn't for me and my relationship and I can't wait to live with my bf again when were married, I think it will be more special then.
I don't think anyone is trying to attack or judge...just think were (I'm) trying to say that living together NOW might not be the best option for you if you're looking to move things along. Most men take advantage of the fact you live together and aren't in any rush to move things in the commitment direction anytime soon. And the saying goes... "Why buy the cow if the milk is free?". Living together now may help you out, but maybe you shoud discuss that with your bf. Ask him if living together is making him feel trapped now? Is there anything he would like to do, etc. before you get married? A lot of couples only live together because it makes sense financially... I'm not opossed to living together before marriage as it has made me more comfortable with my bf now and I don't think I would have changed anything ... but with that said, it wasn't for me and my relationship and I can't wait to live with my bf again when were married, I think it will be more special then.
- Joined
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- 8,087
Have you read Kamy Wicoff''s _I Do But I Don''t_? It irks me on a number of levels: the author is reconciling the way her marriage went down with the way she wishes it had gone down, and it''s somewhat unsatisfying on multiple levels. It feels as though she''s criticizing the process while simultaneously justifying her own participation, making it, in my eyes, if not outright hypocrisy, then definitely more of an apologetic than a critique, but she makes the occasional good point.
Wicoff notes that only 5% of American women do the proposing (I would love to know where she got this statistic - if any of you happen to know of a reliable source, I''d love to hear it), but that many, many more feel frustrated and adrift because of the nature of the relationship, the fundamental imbalance of proposee-to-proposer broken down along gender lines. At one point, she says,"I will never forget the feeling that Andrew *had* marriage. That he was walking around with it in his pocket, confident and content (with all the time in the world), while I had to get it because my pockets were empty ... [despite feminism] ... Men still hold the powerful commitment card, and while lots of women point to a woman''s power to say ''no'' - to a date, to a proposal, to sex - real power doesn''t have to wait for invitations to be exercised." That''s an image that''s stayed with me. I''m all in favor of a continuing adherence to tradition when it''s adapted to embrace the comfort levels of all involved, but to continue the metaphor - in this day and age, your pockets are not empty! They are full of (among other things) earned money that gives you other options to pursue, as some of the ladies above me have pointed out.
I''m sure your BF is a great guy, but it makes my blood boil to see him acting dismissive towards your concerns. It is not acceptable for him to veto topics that are important to you. If he doesn''t see himself getting married in the near future, that''s his prerogative ... but to consider that the end of the *discussion* (implying *two* participants, or it''d be a monologue) is egocentric and unkind. I hope your talk goes well, and that he sees that he''s being unfair, *not* in his attitude towards marriage, necessarily, but in the way in which he''s engaging (or, not) the topic with you.
Wicoff notes that only 5% of American women do the proposing (I would love to know where she got this statistic - if any of you happen to know of a reliable source, I''d love to hear it), but that many, many more feel frustrated and adrift because of the nature of the relationship, the fundamental imbalance of proposee-to-proposer broken down along gender lines. At one point, she says,"I will never forget the feeling that Andrew *had* marriage. That he was walking around with it in his pocket, confident and content (with all the time in the world), while I had to get it because my pockets were empty ... [despite feminism] ... Men still hold the powerful commitment card, and while lots of women point to a woman''s power to say ''no'' - to a date, to a proposal, to sex - real power doesn''t have to wait for invitations to be exercised." That''s an image that''s stayed with me. I''m all in favor of a continuing adherence to tradition when it''s adapted to embrace the comfort levels of all involved, but to continue the metaphor - in this day and age, your pockets are not empty! They are full of (among other things) earned money that gives you other options to pursue, as some of the ladies above me have pointed out.
I''m sure your BF is a great guy, but it makes my blood boil to see him acting dismissive towards your concerns. It is not acceptable for him to veto topics that are important to you. If he doesn''t see himself getting married in the near future, that''s his prerogative ... but to consider that the end of the *discussion* (implying *two* participants, or it''d be a monologue) is egocentric and unkind. I hope your talk goes well, and that he sees that he''s being unfair, *not* in his attitude towards marriage, necessarily, but in the way in which he''s engaging (or, not) the topic with you.
Haven
Super_Ideal_Rock
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- Feb 15, 2007
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- 13,166
I hope your talk goes well, updsidedown. Let us know!
Indy--Thank you for your kind words about my FI. I just went back and found that thread (it was the first topic I ever created on PS) and realized that we were engaged almost three months to the day after I posted it--PS definitely provided me with the rational feedback that I needed at that time to just be an adult and talk to him. Funny how simple it was, isn''t it?
Indy--Thank you for your kind words about my FI. I just went back and found that thread (it was the first topic I ever created on PS) and realized that we were engaged almost three months to the day after I posted it--PS definitely provided me with the rational feedback that I needed at that time to just be an adult and talk to him. Funny how simple it was, isn''t it?
diamondfan
Super_Ideal_Rock
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- Jun 17, 2005
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- 11,016
I agree that at 30 with the few years of togetherness he should know what he wants.
Also, he should be able, knowing it matters so much to you, to sit and have a real conversation. No games, no putting you off. He knows the script, as do you. And I frankly think it is baloney that he just NEVER thinks about it til you bring it up. He may not think about it MUCH, but trust me if you get that upset, I cannot believe he is not having even a passing thought about it.
Boy soon and girl soon notwithstanding, 5 YEARS IS NOT SOON. Tell him he will get his promotion in 5 YEARS. Tell him he cannot have sex for 5 YEARS. Tell him he can watch his favorite shows on TV again in 5 YEARS. That is just silly. Under a year I might agree is SOON. Not 5 years.
I would sit him down. Calmly. Be in total control, do not get upset. Tell him honestly that you love him, you feel that you both have spent enough time together to know what the future holds, and that need to have an adult discussion about where things are going. I would not threaten or beg, but I would put my honest feelings out there. Ask him, to be fair to you, what is he waiting for? Does he believe in marriage? Does he want kids?
I am sure he loves you. And maybe he wants to get married. But, right now, if he does NOT, and knows you will likely leave him if you know this, he has all the motivation in the world to keep you around.
Why would a man want to upset the apple cart?
The "helpful, how you can improve" stuff would drive me nuts over time, thanks for sharing, what makes you the arbiter of how to do things?! Oy. But that would not be a deal breaker per se, as long as I could stop that. I would be clear that I find this annoying and critical and that it is decidedly NOT helpful at all.
Good luck and let us know how the talk goes, I think I read you are having one.
Also, he should be able, knowing it matters so much to you, to sit and have a real conversation. No games, no putting you off. He knows the script, as do you. And I frankly think it is baloney that he just NEVER thinks about it til you bring it up. He may not think about it MUCH, but trust me if you get that upset, I cannot believe he is not having even a passing thought about it.
Boy soon and girl soon notwithstanding, 5 YEARS IS NOT SOON. Tell him he will get his promotion in 5 YEARS. Tell him he cannot have sex for 5 YEARS. Tell him he can watch his favorite shows on TV again in 5 YEARS. That is just silly. Under a year I might agree is SOON. Not 5 years.
I would sit him down. Calmly. Be in total control, do not get upset. Tell him honestly that you love him, you feel that you both have spent enough time together to know what the future holds, and that need to have an adult discussion about where things are going. I would not threaten or beg, but I would put my honest feelings out there. Ask him, to be fair to you, what is he waiting for? Does he believe in marriage? Does he want kids?
I am sure he loves you. And maybe he wants to get married. But, right now, if he does NOT, and knows you will likely leave him if you know this, he has all the motivation in the world to keep you around.
Why would a man want to upset the apple cart?
The "helpful, how you can improve" stuff would drive me nuts over time, thanks for sharing, what makes you the arbiter of how to do things?! Oy. But that would not be a deal breaker per se, as long as I could stop that. I would be clear that I find this annoying and critical and that it is decidedly NOT helpful at all.
Good luck and let us know how the talk goes, I think I read you are having one.
Mediterranean
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Jan 26, 2008
- Messages
- 578
WORD!!!
Diamondfan, that was great. To the OP: C'mon girl. You know. You know what you deserve and you know what's right given the pace and length of the relationship. You also know what "a load of fertilizer" is.
And if tattoos are his idea of a commitment, he can go sit in the corner with Johnny Depp (and his 'Winona Forever' tat), Charlie Sheen & Denise Richards (and their respective tats of each other's names) and the reality-show contestant who had Bret Michaels's name tatted onto her neck.
I dunno 'bout YOU, but none of the above-mentioned people actually come to mind when I think of individuals who value deep personal involvement and lifelong commitment.
You know what you want, you know what's optimally healthy for your personal body as far as pregnancy and child-rearing are concerned, and he's either on the same page, or he becomes an ex-boyfriend you tell stories about. Unless you really want to be 37, watching him get his 3rd tattoo of your name (or some permutation thereof) to show you how "deeply committed" he is to never changing a darned thing about his cushy, comfy life with you
You deserve more.
P.S. I don't know if you've heard of this, but.....there is a tattoo ink on the current market called Freedom-2 Infinitink which is non-permanent. It dissolves completely in just one session of 5 minute long laser session. In my metro, in order for a tattoo parlor to keep its state license, the "removable" ink must be mentioned to each client (they sign a release saying they were informed of it). Preliminary studies for my state show that 90% of customers who tattoo names onto themselves opt for the dissolving ink. Just something to think about.
Yeah, the recent flurry of LIW posts about BF's living like husbands but not ready to 'commit' has got me thinking about this too. I think it's sad that men essentially get all the comforts of marriage and then drag their feet down the aisle.... Maybe we should start a new topic on this for fear of derailing this thread?
I think I'll start one.
Independent Gal
Ideal_Rock
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- Nov 12, 2006
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upsidedown
Rough_Rock
- Joined
- May 14, 2008
- Messages
- 7
We had a talk
He said he knew around two years ago that he wanted me to be his wife, but it’s not the right time yet, and he gave me some specific reasons why. He’ll know when he’s ready (with regards to those reasons) and it won’t be within the next six months, but it will be within the next two years. He can see that I think about this a lot, and he honestly doesn’t understand why. He doesn’t need to think about the next step until it’s time to do something about it. And could I please stop hinting.
Then he said, what if he has the most perfect proposal and it’s tied to a season, and I’m standing in the snow thinking what a beautiful place this would be to get engaged, and his idea is a summertime one? Could I just please try to stop thinking about it until it happens. This is his time, and yes he holds the cards, but it’s the one time that he gets to hold the cards.
He said to remember that he’s a boy, and boys get excited in different ways than girls do.
He said that most boys would be more excited getting together with mates and building a shed than they would thinking about a wedding. But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to be married.
He still doesn’t totally understand why I think about this so much but I have more of an understanding about why he doesn’t want to talk about it.
I feel relieved, and, exhausted. Does anyone know what I mean?
He said he knew around two years ago that he wanted me to be his wife, but it’s not the right time yet, and he gave me some specific reasons why. He’ll know when he’s ready (with regards to those reasons) and it won’t be within the next six months, but it will be within the next two years. He can see that I think about this a lot, and he honestly doesn’t understand why. He doesn’t need to think about the next step until it’s time to do something about it. And could I please stop hinting.
Then he said, what if he has the most perfect proposal and it’s tied to a season, and I’m standing in the snow thinking what a beautiful place this would be to get engaged, and his idea is a summertime one? Could I just please try to stop thinking about it until it happens. This is his time, and yes he holds the cards, but it’s the one time that he gets to hold the cards.
He said to remember that he’s a boy, and boys get excited in different ways than girls do.
He said that most boys would be more excited getting together with mates and building a shed than they would thinking about a wedding. But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to be married.
He still doesn’t totally understand why I think about this so much but I have more of an understanding about why he doesn’t want to talk about it.
I feel relieved, and, exhausted. Does anyone know what I mean?
i didn''t comment on your post earlier b/c everyone else chimed in and said anything i could have better.
i just wanted to let you know in regards to your last post that you are not alone!!
bf and i are very young (20/21) and only recently did future really seriously come up. since then, full LIW-itis. i want to talk about it, discuss ideas etc...
BF definitely does not. he says the same thing. he loves me, he is not ready yet (which i totally get b/c i am not totally ready yet either for many reasons) he will be one day and when that time comes he promises he will be so excited about it but why think/talk about it when nothing can happen yet!!
i guess it kinda makes sense... dont think about it, no anxiety! (not as easy when the clock is ticking i get it)
just wanted to let you know you are not alone and i totally sympathize with how your convo went....
but i guess the question is are you willing to wait 2 more years?!!?!
i just wanted to let you know in regards to your last post that you are not alone!!
bf and i are very young (20/21) and only recently did future really seriously come up. since then, full LIW-itis. i want to talk about it, discuss ideas etc...
BF definitely does not. he says the same thing. he loves me, he is not ready yet (which i totally get b/c i am not totally ready yet either for many reasons) he will be one day and when that time comes he promises he will be so excited about it but why think/talk about it when nothing can happen yet!!
i guess it kinda makes sense... dont think about it, no anxiety! (not as easy when the clock is ticking i get it)
just wanted to let you know you are not alone and i totally sympathize with how your convo went....
but i guess the question is are you willing to wait 2 more years?!!?!
upsidedown
Rough_Rock
- Joined
- May 14, 2008
- Messages
- 7
Thanks smiles! Yup, two years is OK. It means he''s making the decision on his terms, when he''s ready, but still in time for the things that I want to happen.
And the fact that we are cohabiting means that I get to enjoy him in the meantime.
I know I said this before, but it''s SO GOOD to be able to talk about this with ppl who understand. I bet by the time two years have passed I''ll be quite a regular on here.
purrfectpear
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2008
- Messages
- 4,079
Yeah, it means he likes things just the way they are with no real commitment.
How will you feel in two years if new "reasons" he''s not "quite" ready come up? Perfect engagement my aunt''s rear end
He knows you''re unhappy and your "hinting" is making HIM uncomfortable. Well, there''s your answer.
A real answer would be; I need exactly a year to graduate, or I make X per year and want to make X before we marry, or I want to have a house for us and need 24 months to save for it - I promise to marry you by July of 2010.
If he really wants you to be his wife is there a REASON why you can''t be engaged until he is ready for the marriage? No.
All you got out of your discussion was "shut the heck up about engagements already...let''s put this off for another 24 months so nothing changes in my life"
How will you feel in two years if new "reasons" he''s not "quite" ready come up? Perfect engagement my aunt''s rear end
He knows you''re unhappy and your "hinting" is making HIM uncomfortable. Well, there''s your answer.
A real answer would be; I need exactly a year to graduate, or I make X per year and want to make X before we marry, or I want to have a house for us and need 24 months to save for it - I promise to marry you by July of 2010.
If he really wants you to be his wife is there a REASON why you can''t be engaged until he is ready for the marriage? No.
All you got out of your discussion was "shut the heck up about engagements already...let''s put this off for another 24 months so nothing changes in my life"
upsidedown
Rough_Rock
- Joined
- May 14, 2008
- Messages
- 7
I appreciate your honesty purrfectpear, even though it''s hard to hear. I even read through some of your previous posts to see if you''re someone whose advice I should be listening to, and it''s clear that you are.Date: 5/17/2008 11:11:58 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Yeah, it means he likes things just the way they are with no real commitment.
How will you feel in two years if new ''reasons'' he''s not ''quite'' ready come up? Perfect engagement my aunt''s rear end
BUT. I''m going to have some faith and wait it out.
purrfectpear
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2008
- Messages
- 4,079
You''re in love and a girl''s gotta do what a girl''s gotta doDate: 5/18/2008 12:12:17 AM
Author: upsidedown
I appreciate your honesty purrfectpear, even though it''s hard to hear. I even read through some of your previous posts to see if you''re someone whose advice I should be listening to, and it''s clear that you are.Date: 5/17/2008 11:11:58 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Yeah, it means he likes things just the way they are with no real commitment.
How will you feel in two years if new ''reasons'' he''s not ''quite'' ready come up? Perfect engagement my aunt''s rear end
BUT. I''m going to have some faith and wait it out.
Wishing you the absolute best and I hope he get''s his act together soon.
Codependent Gal
Rough_Rock
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2008
- Messages
- 45
If I were in your position, I don''t think that I would be very happy with the outcome of that conversation. He says that he has known for TWO years that he wants to marry you, but he is going to make you wait for TWO more years? I can''t think of any kind of proposal that could possibly take FOUR YEARS to plan.style="WIDTH: 101.46%; HEIGHT: 294px">Date: 5/17/2008 6:31:28 PM
Author: upsidedown
We had a talk
He said he knew around two years ago that he wanted me to be his wife, but it’s not the right time yet, and he gave me some specific reasons why. He’ll know when he’s ready (with regards to those reasons) and it won’t be within the next six months, but it will be within the next two years. He can see that I think about this a lot, and he honestly doesn’t understand why. He doesn’t need to think about the next step until it’s time to do something about it. And could I please stop hinting.
Then he said, what if he has the most perfect proposal and it’s tied to a season, and I’m standing in the snow thinking what a beautiful place this would be to get engaged, and his idea is a summertime one? Could I just please try to stop thinking about it until it happens. This is his time, and yes he holds the cards, but it’s the one time that he gets to hold the cards.
He said to remember that he’s a boy, and boys get excited in different ways than girls do.
He said that most boys would be more excited getting together with mates and building a shed than they would thinking about a wedding. But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to be married.
He still doesn’t totally understand why I think about this so much but I have more of an understanding about why he doesn’t want to talk about it.
I feel relieved, and, exhausted. Does anyone know what I mean?
I believe that I read something in your original post about him saying that he doesn''t really think about it very much. He says that he doesn''t think about it, but then he wants you to believe that he is planning some proposal that *might* need to happen in a certain season?? I''m sorry, but it really just sounds like he is trying to buy some time. Then he has the nerve to ask you to stop talking about it? If a man wants to marry a woman he is not going to tell her to stop talking about it, he will want to talk about it.
I just broke up with my boyfriend because he wasn''t "ready" to get married. I wanted to marry him so badly that I read way too much into every little thing he would say about marriage. About a year ago, I emailed him a picture of a ring I liked and he responded with "looks nice". Obviously didn''t mean that he was getting close to popping the question, yet I thought that it was a good sign. Then, he told me that he was going to propose soon, yet when I was looking at a calendar and asking him what date he thought would work best for a wedding he said "I don''t want to talk about that right now.". If he really wanted to marry me, he would have wanted to pick a date. He would have wanted to ask me.
He later admitted that he was just buying time. He was hoping that he would become "ready" if I gave him more time, but it never happened. I don''t want to tell you that your boyfriend is never going to propose, but he clearly hasn''t made up his mind yet. You say that you want to have a baby by the time you are 30.. If he makes you wait two more years, you''ll be 30 and just getting engaged. Are you willing to give up your desire to have a baby by 30 in hopes that he will be ready to get married by then? Maybe you should take a few days and really think about what he is offering, and if you are really going to be able to trust him to do it.
I''m sorry if this doesn''t really make sense, I had a few glasses of wine earlier.
Guilty Pleasure
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- May 16, 2008
- Messages
- 1,114
I think it is human nature to use our own experiences when we are judging the experiences of others. I know that every post I read on here brings to mind a situation with my boyfriend or with an ex-boyfriend or the situations of my friends, so I tend to fill in the deatails of an internet stranger''s life with details from my own in order to give advice. I may have had a wonderful experience with a man being suddenly ready after two years, or a horrible experience of being strung along only to be let down, and that is going to affect the way I see your situation with this completely different man! All men may have been created equal, but they certainly weren''t created the same!
Basically, what I am attempting to say is that I believe that if you have faith in this man, then only you can say whether or not your faith is justified. I am glad that you feel comfortable with your conversation, and I am happy that you have some peace of mind. Remember that you should never have to feel anxious or afraid to let your feelings or concerns be known to a man you love.
Basically, what I am attempting to say is that I believe that if you have faith in this man, then only you can say whether or not your faith is justified. I am glad that you feel comfortable with your conversation, and I am happy that you have some peace of mind. Remember that you should never have to feel anxious or afraid to let your feelings or concerns be known to a man you love.
bee*
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- May 14, 2006
- Messages
- 12,169
When I first had a chat with D about engagements, he asked me to give him two years. We had just graduated from college and were getting our first jobs and starting to save money etc. I thought that was a fair enough time for him (also we live in Ireland and wanted to get our ring in NY as it''s much better value so we had to save for that trip also). It all went to plan and we were engaged in just over 18 months. I knew that he meant what he said, when we had our chat and so I trusted him to do it. So I guess if you believe that he means what he says, then I would give him two years. Were his reasons valid? I do agree with what purrfect pear says also, as that''s what I get from reading your post, but just in terms of what happened with D and I, two years for us allowed us to get sorted.
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