In-Law Vent---ARRGGHHH!!!

[Class n Sass]

My fiance''s 12 y/o niece is a Jr. BM in our wedding. This Saturday I am going with both of my Jr. BMs and 3 of my BMs to get measured for their dresses and to leave a deposit. I have been planning this for over a month and I scheduled an appointment. I spoke to my future SIL about her daughter coming this weekend. She said that she may be going to spend the weekend with her dad since schools are closed for Columbus Day but that she would find out within a week or so and let me know. I didn''t hear from her; however, a little over 2 weeks ago she asked my fiance what day I wanted her daughter to go to the dress shop. He had no clue but said that he would find out. Now I don''t know why she didn''t just call me because she should have known that my fiance would not have known the answer to that question. So I give him the date and relays the message. She said that the date was not a problem but expressed that she was not bringing her. I asked my fiance why she wouldn''t bring her and he said that''s just how she is. She tends to treat her daughter like she is an adult and doesn''t show much interest. I think the whole mothering instinct/mother-daughter bonding skipped her. She has to take a train and a short boat ride to get to my house. I will definitely pick her up when she gets off the boat but she cannot come on the train alone. The total trip will take about 40/45 minutes.

So I figured I would ask my future MIL to bring her. Plus she would get the chance to meet my other BMs and see my wedding gown, which would be a nice way of incorporating her into my plans. So she has been out of town for about a week and I just called her to see if she will be able to bring her granddaughter because her mother will not bring her. She gives me a whole song and a dance about some family apple picking this weekend in CT and how the entire family is going. She goes into detail about how people are getting hotel rooms etc. It''s all very nice but that''s not exactly what I was calling to hear. She said all of this before I could even ask her about bringing her granddaughter. She knew why I was calling because my fiance briefly mentioned it to her so I guess she was trying to make the excuse sound good.

I completely understand the family outing but it would have been nice to let me know. So then my FMIL suggests that my fiance and I attend the apple picking too. I told her that I can''t because I have an appointment scheduled and that my other BMs changed their schedules to fit this in. She was surprised that I was going with them to get measured. I''m not quite sure why that was a surprised to her. My FMIL said she was going to call her daughter to find out what was going on because althought she does not mind going she doesn''t want the responsibility to always fall on her because her daughter wants to do her own thing and wants no part bringing her daughter.

I guess I''m frustrated because my FSIL is being so uncooperative with this whole thing. She has no real reason for not bringing her daughter except the fact that she will get a free babysitter for a few hours. Now I have a feeling that the apple picking was just planned but it was one of my other FSILs who lives in CT and is planning it. So I have a hard time believing she hadn''t informed her other sisters of it. I only need the 12 year old for a couple of hours and really won''t bother them until wedding day. Also I''ve been planning this for a while and it bothered me that it''s 2 days before the appointment and mny FSIL has not bothered to call and say BTW my sister in CT has planned something last minute and I don''t think my daughter will be able to go with you this weekend. Just had to vent.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hey there,

Why can''t she come alone? Is that the mom''s own rule? Because if the mom thinks she can come alone, I don''t see why it should be a problem. After all, 12 year olds babysit for other peoples'' kids! I did at that age, and went everywhere by myself. In fact, I would have hated it if my mom ''cramped my style'' and independence by insisting on being soccer-mom and shuttling me around everywhere. I''m sure the kid has a cellphone in case of trouble and is used to going places by herself from what you suggest (I mean, about the mom treating her like a grown-up).

If the mom''s OK with it, maybe you should be too!

If the mom''s NOT OK with it, that''s another story.

 

[Class n Sass]

The mom is definitely not OK with her traveling alone. That is part of the problem.

 

[Independent Gal]

Gotcha. Well, that''s really annoying then. Maybe the mom can measure her? The other thing is, at 12 girls are...err... sproutin out all over the place, so her measurements now might well be radically different in a few months. Hmm. Tricky.

 

[decodelighted]

If the girl''s parents can''t be bothered to bring her to a simple dress fitting ... she shouldn''t be a Jr. Bridesmaid. You should cut her from the lineup IMMEDIATELY.

This is a job with responsibilities, plain & simple.

RI-FREAKIN-DICULOUS!!!

 

[Class n Sass]

I was thinking of her just not being part of the wedding party; however, I know that the child is very excited and wants to be in the wedding. I don''t want her to be disappointed because the adults in her life are disorganized. My FMIL said she would speak to her daughter and they would get back to me. If they do not I am not going to bring it up again. I don''t feel like running after anyone or begging anyone to do this. I have WAAAAY too many other things to do. If she is not in the wedding it won''t mess up any of my plans. The show will still go on!

 

[laine]

Does she have to come to the fitting? Can''t she just phone in her measurements and still be in the wedding even though she can''t make this? I mean as a jr bridesmaid, she only really needs to be at the rehearsal and ceremony, and theres not a question of her missing those, is there?

 

[Class n Sass]

The problem with calling in her measurements is that I know that it will never get done. I didn''t realize my FSIL was so difficult until recently. She is the type to just say oh i can''t make it to the rehearsal but my daughter can so you figure out how she is getting there.

 

[Kaleigh]

I'd have your FSIL or your FMIL bring her to the dress shop another day then, so she can be properly measured. Would that work??

 

[Class n Sass]

I just got off the phone with my fiance wanting to know the price of his niece''s dress. My FSIL told my FMIL that she doesn''t want her daughter to be in the wedding because she doens''t have the money to pay for the things she will need to be in the wedding. My fiance said that someone else in the family is going to pay for her to be in the wedding. However, they are still not sure about what day they will bring her to the dress shop.

I wish my FSIL would have just told me that she couldn''t afford it or even have told my fiance. I know that she is a single mother and that money can be tight. I was raised by a single mother so I completely understand. Way back in March I asked my FSIL if her daughter could be in the wedding. I told her how much the dress would be and she said that it wasn''t a problem. I asked her first before mentioning it to her daughter because I didn''t want to get her excited only to find out her mother couldn''t afford for her to be part of the wedding.

 

[Class n Sass]

I just not found out that my future niece is no longer in the wedding. Now they tell after I went out this past weekend and bought my bridesmaid gifts. Still no one has bothered to call me. They called my fiance but what is worse is that my FSIL made her daughter call and tell....she didn''t even do it herself. I feel bad for the little girl because she wants to be a part of it but her mother threw the responsibility on her because she didn''t want to call.

 

[Sabine]

Wow, I''m shocked by this. I can''t imagine how difficult it must have been for a young girl to make that call, especially when she wanted to be in the wedding! I know it would be embarrassing for the mom, but SHE''s the MOM...IMO, she should not have passed the responsibility onto her daughter! I also think it stinks that even knowing the cost going in, she said yes and is now making her back out. It''s rude to you and hurtful to her daughter.

 

[surfgirl]

Well, one day the little girl will realize how lame her mother is. Gah! Do you really care at this point? Because it sounds like it''s best to just not have the girl in this only because you have to deal with her mother and you just know the mother will bring the girl late to your wedding and other assorted annoyances that will bug you on your special day. Yes, it''s sad that the girl was excited and now cant be in the wedding. But she''ll get over it. Just give her a big hug when you see her so she doesn''t feel like you''re mad at her...But the mother making the kid call? That''s unreal. The gall...

 

[Class n Sass]

Totally sucks!!! I''m sure my FMIL will mention it to me the next time I see her; however, I''m almost positive FSIL will never call to say anything. I do feel bad for my future niece but I know she will get over it. I think she already knows her mother is lame. She is aware of how her mother treats her because I have heard her make comments before

 

[iheartscience]

Wow, that''s so sad for the niece. Maybe you can give her the bridesmaid gift anyways and tell her that you''re sorry it didn''t work out-you know she wanted to be in it? I can''t believe a mother would be so selfish. I''m sure, at 12 years old, she was super excited to be in your wedding. Ugh. I just want to call your FSIL bad names right now.

 

[VRBeauty]

Sounds like FSIL has "issues" that go beyond the fact that she''s a single parent. What a shame that her daughter is paying the price. Is there anyone in the family who would be willing to be a "surrogate mother" for the niece for awhile so she can take part in the wedding? I don''t know if you want to foster a relationship with this niece, but it sounds like she could use some sane adults in her life.

 

[Class n Sass]

Even better...her mom is thinking of sending her to live with her dad next year for HS so she can be "free." The funny thing is that my fiance thinks that is probably a good idea because her dad will probably keep a better eye on her than her mother.

 

[Independent Gal]

Oh, man. That poor kid! Your FI may be right that it''s better for the girl to be with someone who truly WANTS her for a while (if her dad actually DOES want her). Do you like this girl? If so, it will be great for her to have a cool new aunty to talk to. Girls at that age and for the next few years are so easily confused and prone to self-esteem issues. Having a mom like that can''t help much.