International couples: how did you decide where to get married?

[gwendolyn]

I realize this is different for everyone, but you ladies (and gents!) have some great, creative answers to problems, so I''m hoping maybe you will suggest something I haven''t thought of yet.

Here''s the situation:

I''m from the US, and I''ve got tons of family and friends there. J is from the UK, and has a smaller family and circle of friends.

I''d prefer to elope, but my parents and some of my friends have already gotten feisty with me, saying I wasn''t allowed because they HAD to be there. J doesn''t really want to elope either; he wants a wedding with most everyone he knows there.

I love castles, so getting married somewhere in the UK would be ok if we didn''t run off to elope. BUT!


I think we are almost entirely paying for the wedding ourselves (so small budget), and the little bit my parents can contribute would then be used just to get them over the pond to attend the wedding. I doubt J''s parents will want to contribute, since they paid for J''s sisters'' weddings.

I mentioned a ''meeting somewhere in between'' destination wedding, but again, expense would be prohibitive, and J seemed against the idea, saying that we''d be making everyone pay more money, instead of just half the people attending. But this seems unfair! And since I have more people that would be invited (I will be paying for most of it, I have more family and a larger circle of friends), it just seems wrong to ask them to spend so much money, when J''s friends and family will just have to go around the block, essentially. Which maybe sounds petty...? But I''m worried about it. I thought about getting married on a cruise, but then for our honeymoon we''d be stuck with everyone, and I''m not sure about that...

I guess the bottom line is that, wherever we decide to do it, it''s going to feel like I''m slighting one half of the guest list. Which is why I''d really rather just go off, get married by ourselves, and then come back and throw a party in the UK and a party in the US, and anyone who wants to cross the Atlantic to go to both is more than welcome. But it doesn''t seem like J wants this, or my parents or friends...

I want to be excited about the prospect of planning our wedding, but even just choosing where it will be seems like a monumental task! Does anyone have any suggestions? To those of you who are marrying/married to someone not from your home country, how did you manage it?

 

[violet02]

I have a smaller scale version of this problem and a brit friend of ours got married last year as well to a girl from the US. My first question is where do you both live and how long have you lived there?

 

[Pandora II]

Unless you are going to elope, I would suggest having the wedding in whichever country you will be living in.

Planning a wedding in a third country will ultimately work out more expensive, as you won't be able to do as much haggling on prices or do the bargain bits that you can do here or in the US.

If you decide to marry in the UK, there are loads of ways to keep your costs down by being a bit creative. I'm very happy to help with ideas etc

Scotland or Wales might be places to look at - some of the islands are beautiful, it's cheaper there and it would be a separate 'country' for both parties! Oh, and great castles!

Plus in Scotland, you can have a humanist wedding without having to have the civil bit which you have to have in the UK, which makes venues etc much, much more flexible and saves a load of £££.

It's not legal here yet - which really makes me angry. I have a friend who is an MP who is trying to push it through Parliament, but it's taking a looooong time...

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/2/2008 8:44:57 AM
Author: violet02
I have a smaller scale version of this problem and a brit friend of ours got married last year as well to a girl from the US. My first question is where do you both live and how long have you lived there?

I am currently in the UK for grad school, have been here since September. Before then, I lived in the US, and J has lived in Yorkshire in the UK all his life. We are talking about moving up north to the Newcastle area once I''m done with school (in July), and once we''ve settled in, living together, we will probably get engaged shortly after that. We''ve been long-distance for over 3 years now, and know we need some time actually living in the same place instead of just visiting (even long, month-long visits) before we move on to the next step. Even now we are long-distance still, with him living 200 miles north of school.

So, there''s nowhere yet that''s ours, if that was your question. There''s my life, back home in the US, and his life here in Yorkshire. I am hoping when I finish my degree I will want to stay here, but right now everything feels very divided because we don''t have the same home yet.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/2/2008 9:00:38 AM
Author: Pandora II
Unless you are going to elope, I would suggest having the wedding in whichever country you will be living in.


Planning a wedding in a third country will ultimately work out more expensive, as you won''t be able to do as much haggling on prices or do the bargain bits that you can do here or in the US.


If you decide to marry in the UK, there are loads of ways to keep your costs down by being a bit creative. I''m very happy to help with ideas etc


Scotland or Wales might be places to look at - some of the islands are beautiful, it''s cheaper there and it would be a separate ''country'' for both parties! Oh, and great castles!


Plus in Scotland, you can have a humanist wedding without having to have the civil bit which you have to have in the UK, which makes venues etc much, much more flexible and saves a load of £££.


It''s not legal here yet - which really makes me angry. I have a friend who is an MP who is trying to push it through Parliament, but it''s taking a looooong time...

Thanks for offering to help with idea, Pandora! I just might take you up on it, because I have a feeling I will have to be quite creative with our wedding plans.

I haven''t heard the term ''humanist wedding'' before. What does it mean?

 

[Independent Gal]

Hi Gwen,

This is why we are having a two part wedding. Part 1 is a civil ceremony in a city hall, very close to where FI''s family and friends live, in the country where my mom lives. So, it''s easy and cheap for his peeps to travel there. WP2 is the religious ceremony (so we won''t feel like we''re play-acting the second time around) and will be close to my dad''s family and some of my mom''s family and friends (well, she has hardly any family, since they were all killed in a war). My friends are all scattered around the world, so they were invited to whichever party was closest.

Yes, it is more expensive. Probably about 6K more expensive when all is said and done, since the reception for WP1 is in my mom''s house. But you could do a less expensive version: Have the wedding-y wedding in England (or Scotland!) and then throw a backyard party for your friends and family - bbq style or whatnot.

But basically, what we decided was to make sure it was easy for everyone. Well, everyone except us.

And we did have some extra financial flexibility which you might not have.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 2/2/2008 9:21:24 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Thanks for offering to help with idea, Pandora! I just might take you up on it, because I have a feeling I will have to be quite creative with our wedding plans.

I haven't heard the term 'humanist wedding' before. What does it mean?

Humanists believe that this is the only life you get and so we should try to live full and happy lives ourselves and make it easier for other people to do the same. They believe that morality is a natural instinct of human-beings, and don't believe in a god or an afterlife. Instead, you live on after your death through what you create in your lifetime - be it a child, a beautiful painting, a cure for some disease or some other talent. Funerals celebrate the life lived, and Baby-Namings the life to come.

Humanists look on marriage as an equal partnership and a serious commitment that involves mutual love, support and respect. Ceremonies generally have no religious bits, and you basically write your own with the help of a registered humanist celebrant. They are all approved by the British Humanist Association and have done lots of training courses etc.

In Scotland there are no legal restrictions on where and when the ceremony can take place (except the place must be 'safe and dignified' - so you could have an evening ceremony (civil weddings in England have to be before 5pm), you could get married on top of a mountain, or in a venue that isn't officially licensed (giving you much more choice). You can also have any music, readings etc that you wish.

Churches can be funny about non-religious readings, and Registrars can be super-fussy about any music or reading that could even begin to mention a religious word - like 'blessing' for example.

Humanists really don't care - it would be odd to have something religious as most of us are atheists as well, but if you have a religious granny you want to keep happy you can add something a bit religious in!

A lot of interfaith couples use them as well, so as not to have to pick one religion over another. Basically, you can have whatever you want.

FI and I are both Secular Humanists and we wanted a humanist wedding. However, we could only have one if we got married in a registry office the day before, which I didn't want to do. Hence why I am campaigning very hard for it to be legalised in England.

Hope that explains it a bit!

 

[gwendolyn]

Thanks for your story, Indy! If we end up having more money than I anticipate, or have some people willing to help out, we might do something like that. Thank you!

Pandora, that''s interesting that there are restrictions on where you can marry; I''ll have to look more into them. I usually describe myself as an agnostic/atheist, but have been told at times that I sound like a humanist--whatever I am, it''s definitely not religious. J on the other hand is a laid-back Christian, might want to get married in a church, but I told him that I would feel really weird about that. Almost like I was faking the religious thing, and I don''t want to do that. So do you have any idea what our options would be?

 

[violet02]

My issue was a west coast / east coast thing. Essentially it just came down to where we are living, which is west coast. Our original idea was to have a destination wedding in europe, have close family and friends meet there then have a smaller reception on both coasts for those who couldn't make it. Our families really emphasized though that this would be one of the only times all of our families would be able to get together in one place. If you go off and get married on your own then your family will feel slighted anyways. A lot of our friends/family didn't want to foot the bill to a european wedding. Since we lived here and the bulk of our friends were on the west coast, we decided to make our families travel here. At least it was cheaper.

It will be easier to plan a wedding where you're living at the time... destination weddings are a great way to keep the guest list down though. I would probably just have a small reception in the US for those that couldn't make it. If you're family is outnumbering his 3 to 1 or something extreme then you may want to consider a US wedding. Our friends got married in CA, she was from Colorodao, friends from CA, and he's from england. His family was much smaller than her and all of their friends so they opted to have his family come to them.

In my situation I'm dealing with my fi's family feeling slighted since they're all east coasters having to come west. They're NOT happy about it, but we were not going to meet in the middle of the US and make ALL of our guests pay to travel. Just didn't make sense.

 

[mjso]

I had a similiar situation to violet, east coast/west coast US thing. FI''s family was more spread out (in different states around the west/midwest), we live in CA and my family is pretty much concentrated in NJ/PA. We eventually decided upon NJ, as his family had already committed to traveling no matter where we had it. Also, my parents are footing most of the bll so that was a large help in deciding.

I still feel like I''m not 100% sure we made the right choice, but I don''t think there was a possibility to make everyone happy. Most of our friends are scattered throughout the US (with the concentration more on the western half) and they probably will have the most trouble coming since they are young and won''t have the money/time off, but I figure those who REALLY want to come will find a way.

I considered, and am still considering, having a second reception in Montana, but I feel like that makes the more "important" people feel as if they have to attend two things. This, of course, would probably be different if financially it wasn''t possible. But I know my parents would feel as if they had to attend the MT reception as well, because how could my parents not go to part of my wedding? The are completely financially able to do this, but I still feel that after them forking out the cash for the actual wedding, it is kind of a bummer to make them feel like they have to attend a second function. We''ll see how it goes.

I think some things to consider are 1) who is more willing/able to travel? - sure it sucks that 1/2 of the guests don''t have to go far, while the other portion are going on a long trip, but if the other people wouldn''t attend at all if it were somehwere else, then going to them is probably best (assuming you really want them there). 2) what do YOU really want? - if your guests would go anywhere, where would you have it? 3) can you webcast it?

this was suggested to me more than once...just have everyone log on and watch!

 

[violet02]

Older relatives can really be a deciding factor too. I know my 84 year old Grandmother would not make a trip to Europe and maybe not even the east coast (she lives in Seattle) and she has to be at the wedding. So that kind of trumped all of the other east coast relative complaints since my fi has no living grandparents. Even my 96 yo grandfather lives in LA!

 

[zoebartlett]

Hi Gwendolyn,

While my FI and I aren''t an international couple, our friends are. My friend is from the US (as am I) but her husband is from Ireland. They dated for a number of years before they were ready to get married. They considered having the wedding here in the US but they decided to get married in Ireland. My friend''s parents are from the UK and many of her family members still live there. For my friend and her now husband, it made sense for them to marry across the pond since so many people were already there.

They sent out save the dates so people who would attend could make flight and hotel reservations. They sent out wedding invitations, and they knew that many of their friends and co-workers would not be able to attend a wedding so far away. They decided to have a big party (a BBQ, informal) later that summer close to their home in the states, sothat those who hadn''t been able to attend the wedding in Ireland could celebrate with them. It worked out really well!

My friend did have to deal with trying to plan a wedding from another country, so that wasn''t ideal. She relied on her husband''s (FI at the time) family to do much of the leg work. They checked out bands and DJs, went to the tasting at the venue, etc. I think it did get sort of stressful at times, since she couldn''t be there to handle much herself. I do know my friends had planned a trip to Ireland at some point during their planning so they could do some things themselves.

My FI and I attended both the wedding and the party in the states afterwards. Both were a blast!

I know our friends were very touched that so many people were able to attend their wedding, knowing how much guests would spend to get there, etc. For us, it was great because it gave us a reason to plan a vacation. We went to the wedding and then spent the next 10 days touring the country.

So if it''s something you''re considering, I say go for it! Know that some (or many, depending) of the decisions may be made by others and that''s something you''d have to be okay with. I think it''s such a unique experience though. It kind of makes me wish my FI were from another country instead of just an hour away. I would love to have a wedding in another country.

 

[gwendolyn]

violet02: Yeah, one of the things I like about a destination wedding is that there wouldn''t be many people there.

I think I''m definitely in the minority in that I''m just not that interested in the wedding itself--maybe because I know it would cost way more than we''ll have to have the sort of wedding I''d want? And as for the elderly relatives, that''s another thing that sadly doesn''t figure into it for me: the only one I would want at my wedding passed away in July.

mjso: I feel really torn, because by the time we get married, my friends will be scattered through the US, Australia, and Taiwan. About 80% of them are in the US, on the East Coast. This is where almost all my family is too. J''s family and friends are entirely in the UK. If I were to do some quick math in my head of us listing the people we''d like to invite, even with me keeping my list down, I''d probably have 3 or 4 times as many people as J. So it seems like, if we have it anywhere, logically it SHOULD be in the US, by I don''t especially want it there, OR in the UK. I don''t want to feel like I''m picking sides! I also don''t want a bridal party for the same reason--no hierarchies!

Zoe (ooh, you''ve got capital letters now!): Thanks for detailing your friends'' experience. I know I wouldn''t like the planning aspect of planning a wedding from afar, but I don''t think I''m really looking forward to the planning aspect of a wedding period, so that might not make a HUGE difference for me!

I''m glad you were excited about a destination wedding--I have a feeling my friends would be excited to go, but I''m not sure how my family would react, and I know I won''t have the money to pay for them to come over if they can''t afford it. The thing is, though, what if some can come and some can''t?

I''d rather either have them all (meaning my brothers and parents) or none--not just part!

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 2/2/2008 10:28:11 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Pandora, that''s interesting that there are restrictions on where you can marry; I''ll have to look more into them. I usually describe myself as an agnostic/atheist, but have been told at times that I sound like a humanist--whatever I am, it''s definitely not religious. J on the other hand is a laid-back Christian, might want to get married in a church, but I told him that I would feel really weird about that. Almost like I was faking the religious thing, and I don''t want to do that. So do you have any idea what our options would be?

UK Wedding Options:

Anglican Church - you normally have to marry in your local church, or get dispensation for other places which is a PITA. There are rules about how long you have to reside etc etc . Some vicars are really laid back and don''t care if you believe or go to church. Others are super difficult and want you to go to church for weeks before the agree. Cost: I''ve seen anything up to £800. Most are in the £300 - £400 range.

My sister got married in church and neither of them believe, She liked it because it is a very pretty 13th century church (and opposite my parent''s house where the reception was.) I can''t do that though. I feel its disrespectful to those who do believe and very against my own beliefs, so I get why you would feel uncomfortable.

Roman Catholic Church - No idea, sorry!

Civil Ceremony -

Option One - Registry Office: Quicky weddings (15 mins) without much in the way of music/readings etc. You can only get about 30 people in. Cost is about £60

Option Two - Licensed Venue: Must take place in a building that is open to the general public, must be in a permanent structure, must be licensed. The ceremony must take place before 5pm. You can personalise it with music, vows (you must include the legal bits), readings etc. Cost - varies, mine is about £300

For both options: NOTHING religious in anyway. You have to register to marry at your local registrar and prebook the date up to one year in advance (good idea to do as quickly as you can as there are a finite number of registrars in each district.) You get interviewed (like in Green Card) - was most amusing, FI and I got all our answers wrong... Cost: £60 on top of the ceremony cost.

Humanist Wedding -

Option one - Go to Scotland and just do the one ceremony. Cost: c. £300

Option Two - Quicky registry office with just you and FI, followed by Humanist Ceremony (you don''t have to do the ring bit at the register office, just say the legal bits). Cost: Registar costs - c. 120 + Humanist Celebrant - c.£300.

Umm, that''s it - we don''t have the courthouse/JP option here. There are lots of other religions if you want to try those, but you have to have the civil ceremony first for anything except Church of England (not sure about RC)

 

[Pandora II]

Just to add, my FI''s brother got married in Chicago last year at the end of September. 70 of us flew over.

FI and I turned it into our annual long holiday and went to NY and New England as well.

Everyone had an amazing time. Yes it was expensive, but with plenty of notice, you can get bargains on flights and good discounts over here on hotels etc.

The main one I have for my wedding is normally £150 a night - they''ve given me £80 a night, and nearly all the rooms with seaviews.

 

[gwendolyn]

Wow, thanks for all the insightful info, Pandora! I wonder why they are so nit-picky about how, where and when weddings are conducted? Why does it matter if it''s a public building or someone''s house? At 4:30 or 6pm? Kinda weird.

 

[iheartscience]

Well, since you have so much more family that will be attending, I would vote for the US wedding...it seems more "fair" than having a UK wedding since the numbers are so lopsided. And that way, if any UKers were upset, you have that valid reason to fall back on.

Plus, logistically speaking, the dollar''s very weak against the pound and Euro, so it would most likely be prohibitively expensive for some people to go to a wedding in the UK. The UK peeps would benefit from the exchange rate if the wedding was in the US.

My brother''s wife is Swedish but was living in the US when she met my brother, got engaged, etc. They ended up having the wedding in the US. Her family was much smaller than my family and so was her guest list, so that helped sway them. Plus my brother is Catholic and although she did end up becoming Catholic before the wedding, the religious aspect was probably more important to my brother. She incorporated a lot of Swedish traditions into the wedding reception and it was really cool.

You can''t make everyone happy, but based on numbers alone I''d go with the US wedding.

 

[Independent Gal]

Thing2 makes an excellent point about the currency issue. It''s so extreme at this point (though who knows, by the time you get hitched) that you''d get twice the wedding for half the money in the US. Also, Pandora has pointed out that wedding things in general are just way more expensive over there. Maybe not so much in the north though?

Which reminds me, I sure hope your funding at C. is in UKP and not USD!

 

[Octavia]

My FI and I are lucky because he had lived in the US for several years before we even met, and he has many friends and a bit of family here. So it was never really a question that we''re getting married in the US. A handful of his family and friends will probably fly over for the wedding. I think the guest list will probably be 15% his family/friends from abroad, 20% my family, 20% my friends from high school/college, and 45% mutual friends. So it''s not as lopsided as it could have been.

The summer after our wedding, we''re going to have a party in his home country that his friends from there can come to, along with the members of his family who won''t be able to make it here. My parents, a couple other family members, and maybe a few friends will probably fly over there to join us for the second party, but mainly because it''s somewhere they''ve always wanted to go and this will be a great excuse for them to finally do it!

Good luck thinking things through, it''s really not an easy decision even in the best of circumstances.

 

[gwendolyn]

thing2of2, yes, that''s very true, the currency issue could come into play--I hadn''t thought of that as something that would make it easier for anyone coming in from the UK. Thanks for bringing that up! I know logically it makes more sense to have it in the US, but even before I met J, I''d always wanted to get married somewhere in Europe in a castle, so that''s why I keep going back and forth about it. Like always, fighting my logical side again my romantic, soppy side!

Octavia, I''m really glad that this isn''t a big issue for you! Sometimes it feels like it''s just so complicated that no one will be happy, myself included. But J and I had (another) long talk about it last night, so I think we''re going to try and keep our families included, but at the end of the day, do it for us. We''ve still got time to work it out. I wish you and your FI all the best!

Date: 2/2/2008 7:22:03 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Which reminds me, I sure hope your funding at C. is in UKP and not USD!

Nope, that''s part of my financial strain. Ended up losing about a few thousand dollars in loan money (that didn''t give a penny more than the exchange for tuition/books/living), just in the short time-frame while I waited for my UK bank account to open so I could convert it.

Thankfully, if I get a job here in the UK, I''ll be able to (finally) take advantage of the currency exchange, and pay my $US bills in £UK. So hopefully I''ll be able to make up that loss and then some.

 

[Rhea]

We had almost the exact same situation as you, it seems.

We actually had a "wedding" in both countries with the legal ceremony being where we planned to live. Both weddings were small (under 50 in the US, under 25 in the UK - his family is small than mine) but included family and friends so no one was asked to travel outside their respective country if they didn''t want to. By keeping both weddings small we were able to afford two but neither was a "typical" wedding by any stretch of the imagination because our budget was so small.

Could you get away with whatever wedding you want in one country and a party in another? Although I''m not sure that''d be cheaper than having two smallish weddings...

 

[AGBF]

Date: 2/2/2008 8:35:03 AM
Author:gwendolyn


And since I have more people that would be invited (I will be paying for most of it, I have more family and a larger circle of friends), it just seems wrong to ask them to spend so much money, when J's friends and family will just have to go around the block, essentially.

Here you seemed to be assuming that you would be remaining in the UK to be married. I think that the US is the more fair place to marry because you are the bride and it is traditionally the bride's home out of which she is married and because you have more family attending the wedding (which may be because you are the bride).

Naturally, when a couple has special circumstances in which the groom's family is especially important to them-for whatever reason-they have to take that into account...but you did not mention that as a variable.

Having said that, I want to add my voice to those speaking out for celebrations in two places. How about making it legal in the United States and, since your fiancé is the more religious one, having a religious ceremony in the UK afterwards?

PS-I am part of an international couple! I am originally from the United States and my husband is originally from Italy. We became engaged while living in France. We investigated getting married in Italy and France, but its difficulty (the paperwork) sent us scurrying to the US!

Deborah

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/3/2008 2:00:13 PM
Author: Addy
We had almost the exact same situation as you, it seems.


We actually had a ''wedding'' in both countries with the legal ceremony being where we planned to live. Both weddings were small (under 50 in the US, under 25 in the UK - his family is small than mine) but included family and friends so no one was asked to travel outside their respective country if they didn''t want to. By keeping both weddings small we were able to afford two but neither was a ''typical'' wedding by any stretch of the imagination because our budget was so small.


Could you get away with whatever wedding you want in one country and a party in another? Although I''m not sure that''d be cheaper than having two smallish weddings...

Hi, Addy! Did you stress over your decision to have two weddings, or was that always the answer that made the most sense for the two of you? Were you happy with how things turned out?

I haven''t looked into prices yet. We''re actually not 100% decided on where we are going to live. I want to try and give it a go here, for the aforementioned reasons that if I can pay off my American student loans in British pounds, it''d be sort of like halving my payments (as long as the exchange rate stays where it is now). But, I don''t know how my mom will take it--she just lost her mom in July, and kind of freaked out when I came to the UK for grad school because she said she felt like she''d never see me again (even though that clearly wasn''t the case; I went and visited in December). But although she drives me bonkers, I do love her and might really miss her and my dad and brothers, and all my great friends who are mostly in the US. I think it would be enough for *me* if I could go back to visit a couple of times a year, but I don''t know that. I''m going to see how I do with not going back until July or August (when I finish my degree!!!!), and see if I''m dying to go home or not.

But yeah, I think it''s kind of hard to decide before we know for sure where we will be living. If we only do one wedding, I want to make sure we give lots of notice, and J is already pretty antsy about wanting to get married soon, so even though it makes more sense to work it out when we''ve decided where we''ll be living, I was thinking that we''ll have so much else going on then with getting new jobs, new place to live, new stuff, living together for the first time--that there wouldn''t be time for a while to really give this a good brainstorm. So maybe it''s getting ahead of myself to try and figure it out now, I dunno. I guess I just feel like there''s so much to work out that I need as much of a head start as I can get.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/3/2008 2:25:37 PM
Author: AGBF
Here you seemed to be assuming that you would be remaining in the UK to be married. I think that the US is the more fair place to marry because you are the bride and it is traditionally the bride''s home out of which she is married and because you have more family attending the wedding (which may be because you are the bride).

Oh, sorry, I do that even in my writing because in my head I constantly go back and forth about it. I love castles, and the US doesn''t have any castles, so ever since I was a girl, I''ve been imagining getting married in a castle because it just seemed so romantic and I''m a giant sop. Then it turns outthe man I''m going to marry lives here in the land that''s absolutely littered with castles! So it seems like a no-brainer, except that his family is tiny and mine is gigantic (although if we kept it to immediate family they''d be about the same), and I''ve got a big circle of good friends that I''ve known since we were 12 (I''m about to turn 30), and he''s got a handful of close friends. So, if I make everyone travel so I can get married in a castle, it''s my side that''s doing all the schlepping around. BUT! That''s only if I play into the typical wedding thing--I want to get married in a castle, but I reallywant to elope or have a TINY wedding at a castle. J and I talked last night about it, and we might do our immediate families and no one else, because once I start inviting friends, there''s no stopping it because it''s one big connected web--they''re essentially like family too, and there''d be no way to split them up because of how tight we''ve gotten over the years (decades, oi).

The logical side of me says it makes the most SENSE to get married in the US, because that''s where I''m from and that''s where all my peeps are, but I really just don''t see myself doing that. I guess because I''ve always imagined going off to somewhere in Europe to get married, it just feels kind of weird to think about getting married at home. The only possible except to this is if we got married by the lake where my family spent every summer, and where my grandparents (who are both gone now) had their honeymoon. It''s both sentimental and beautiful; I have no idea what it would take to get married there, or if over time I''ll warm up to the idea--I did always like the idea of a castle wedding partly because of the dresses I have in mind for it, and those dresses wouldn''t work for a lakeside wedding...

Author: AGBF
Naturally, when a couple has special circumstances in which the groom''s family is especially important to them-for whatever reason-they have to take that into account...but you did not mention that as a variable.

No, no special circumstance. He''s just the one that wants the big wedding, and the one who''s fiercely patriotic, and who has castles all around his home.

Author: AGBF
Having said that, I want to add my voice to those speaking out for celebrations in two places. How about making it legal in the United States and, since your fiancé is the more religious one, having a religious ceremony in the UK afterwards?

That''s definitely a possibility! I will mention that option to him to see what he thinks.

Author: AGBF
PS-I am part of an international couple! I am originally from the United States and my husband is originally from Italy. We became engaged while living in France. We investigated getting married in Italy and France, but its difficulty (the paperwork) sent us scurrying to the US!


Deborah

Heheh, that''s great, I love that story! From where in Italy is your husband? I''ve got two great friends of mine who now live in the US, but were born, raised and married in Sicily (Lentini). They taught me a tiny bit of Italian too (mostly just swear words and how to count to 10

).

 

[Octavia]

Gwendolyn, if you really want a castle and you happen to be living in a place where they''re everywhere, then I don''t see why you can''t have your dream castle wedding. I know you said J. wants a big wedding, but since he doesn''t have as big a circle of family and friends, maybe you could do sort of the opposite of what my FI and I are doing. Have a small UK wedding with just your families and maybe your UK-based friends, then come back to the States a few months later for a post-wedding bash with your US-based friends. Plus side -- if you decide to have it at a venue rather than at home, you won''t get gouged by "special wedding pricing."

It doesn''t even have to be right away -- we''re planning on a summer/autumn ''09 wedding and the party in his country will be summer ''10 (after I take the Bar Exam and hopefully before I start whatever job I happen to get post-school). It''ll be exciting as a first-anniversary(ish) celebration and we''ll have a bit of time to replenish the coffers, too

I''m sure you''ll figure it out!

 

[AGBF]

I''ve been thinking. I am not sure that you could have a religious ceremony in a castle in the UK. Churches in England, at least, tend to be more like the Roman Catholic churches in the United States where the place one is married is considered as important as who conducts the ceremony. Churches don''t allow their clergymen to roam around all over beaches and mountains marrying couples the way they do in the United States. A church would probably not allow a religious ceremony in a castle. On the other hand, I am sure you could get married in a church and then have your reception in a catle if you stayed in England. And I did read the posting suggesting Scotland as a venue .

My husband is from Genoa, the very opposite end of Italy from Sicily: in Liguria. It is on the curve of coast that leads up towards France. It is my favorite Italian city, along with Venice. Very few people realize how lovely it is with its small, cobbled alleys. Most people I know have only seen it if they happened to be passing through! It is the home of pesto and focaccia and I love it very much.

Deborah

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/3/2008 8:14:49 PM
Author: AGBF

I''ve been thinking. I am not sure that you could have a religious ceremony in a castle in the UK. Churches in England, at least, tend to be more like the Roman Catholic churches in the United States where the place one is married is considered as important as who conducts the ceremony. Churches don''t allow their clergymen to roam around all over beaches and mountains marrying couples the way they do in the United States. A church would probably not allow a religious ceremony in a castle. On the other hand, I am sure you could get married in a church and then have your reception in a catle if you stayed in England. And I did read the posting suggesting Scotland as a venue .

We don''t want a religious ceremony. As I understand it, from Pandora''s information, if the location is licensed to perform weddings (like Castle Howard is, one in the UK that I''ve visited) and if it''s before 5pm, and if we don''t include anything religious (which J ok''ed last night), we can get married there, or any other castle with a license.

Author: AGBF
My husband is from Genoa, the very opposite end of Italy from Sicily: in Liguria. It is on the curve of coast that leads up towards France. It is my favorite Italian city, along with Venice. Very few people realize how lovely it is with its small, cobbled alleys. Most people I know have only seen it if they happened to be passing through! It is the home of pesto and focaccia and I love it very much.


Deborah

It sounds lovely, and if tourists don''t know about it, that sounds like it would make it lovelier still!

 

[Octavia]

Oooh, ABGF, I spent a couple days in Genoa when some friends and I went roaming around Europe a few years ago. I really loved it, especially since we took a bus to Nervi one day and walked along the cliffside path. It was just SO beautiful. I liked that the city wasn''t as touristy as the other cities we went to, and the place we stayed was way atop a hill and had a view to die for. Lucky you, having family ties there now!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/3/2008 8:05:48 PM
Author: Octavia
Gwendolyn, if you really want a castle and you happen to be living in a place where they''re everywhere, then I don''t see why you can''t have your dream castle wedding. I know you said J. wants a big wedding, but since he doesn''t have as big a circle of family and friends, maybe you could do sort of the opposite of what my FI and I are doing. Have a small UK wedding with just your families and maybe your UK-based friends, then come back to the States a few months later for a post-wedding bash with your US-based friends. Plus side -- if you decide to have it at a venue rather than at home, you won''t get gouged by ''special wedding pricing.''


It doesn''t even have to be right away -- we''re planning on a summer/autumn ''09 wedding and the party in his country will be summer ''10 (after I take the Bar Exam and hopefully before I start whatever job I happen to get post-school). It''ll be exciting as a first-anniversary(ish) celebration and we''ll have a bit of time to replenish the coffers, too

I''m sure you''ll figure it out!

We might do that. The romantic in me wants the dreamy castle wedding, but the practical one just wants to get it over and done with without much fuss and then have a giant bbq.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 2/3/2008 8:24:52 PM
Author: Octavia
we took a bus to Nervi one day and walked along the cliffside path. It was just SO beautiful.

The Passeggiata Anita Garibaldi . My husband has no sense of direction and he didn''t know how I could know, on my first trip to Nervi, how to get back to Genoa (Genova). Of course, if one has any sense of direction at all, it is not hard to know how to get back. On one''s way to Nervi the sea is on one''s right. On the way back, it is on one''s left. Did you, by any chance, have the cheese focaccia in Recco? It is made only there and it is divine!!!

Deborah