Is flirting with other people ok?

[hisdiamondgirl]

My BFF''s boyfriend left his email open on her computer and she saw an email in which he was flirting with another woman (he called her "sexy"). She is very upset and I agreed with her that it is inappropriate and disrespectful in a committed relationship. Our other friend (male) doesn''t think it is a big deal. What do you think? How would you feel?

 

[IrishBreakfast]

I think it depends who the other woman is and what the context was. My DH has a couple of friends that I always say, "Hi Sexy!" to but there''s nothing in it. I''m one to use language like that - I actually call all my girlfriends ''darling'' and ''honey''. It''s just the way I use my words. Now, if I went up to a stranger and quietly (and without his knowledge) told them they looked sexy, that would be a different ball game. If you feel the need to hide what you''re doing, that should ring some alarm bells.

FWIW, my DH can be a terrible flirt. He had my mother completely sucked in! If she''d been 20 years younger, I''d have had some serious competition!

 

[ringless]

She should confide in her boyfriend and ask him... if he has been suspicious or unfaithful in the past then she has reason to be suspicious... if not, then I wouldn't think much of it. Guys can say dumb things sometimes, and if it offended her then she should let him know that is not the kind of language he should refer to other girls, and to let him know that it offended her and is disrespectful to their relationship.
To answer your Question, to me, flirting is never ok... that leads to other things the majority of the time.

 

[Bia]

I guess it depends on what type of relationship they have and the context of the convo. For some couples, it might not bother their SO IF its not out of the ordinary.

If it were me, I''d be pissed and BF would be toast

*The reason is, BF doesn''t have any close female friends he would speak to in that way, so it would be particulary out of the ordinary for him to write this in an email since he doesn''t really email other women. If he all of a sudden started, my radar would go off...especially if I didn''t know her.

Does your BFF know the girl or know OF the girl? Or was it just a random online girl he is suddenly flirting with?

 

[hisdiamondgirl]

Well the woman was actually someone who had previously hit on him so to me, he was just fueling that (he said he just did it to mess with her because he knows she likes him). Also, I could understand if he were just a big flirt, like your hubby Irish, but he doesn't flirt in front of my BFF. My point is that if you wouldn't do something in front of your SO, then it is WRONG to do it when they are not looking!

ETA: Just read your post Bia, the woman is actually a friend of one his friends.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/16/2008 3:08:31 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl
Well the woman was actually someone who had previously hit on him so to me, he was just fueling that (he said he just did it to mess with her because he knows she likes him). Also, I could understand if he were just a big flirt, like your hubby Irish, but he doesn't flirt in front of my BFF. My point is that if you wouldn't do something in front of your SO, then it is WRONG to do it when they are not looking!


ETA: Just read your post Bia, the woman is actually a friend of one his friends.

In that situation, I would probably be suspicious of him saying that to her since I had a boyfriend cheat on me before, and would be annoyed that he'd mess with her in such a way, knowing it would only keep her after him more. That too would make me feel suspicious. Although maybe I've just got my guard way up with these things.

On the flip side, my best friend (other than J) is a guy named B and he calls me 'sexy' all the time like it's my nickname. I call him 'handsome' and 'darlin' and stuff, and although his girlfriend-turned-wife first thought it was slightly unsettling, she doesn't seem to care now. She knows we've known each other since we were 13 (or 12?) and just have always been like that.

 

[hisdiamondgirl]

Date: 6/16/2008 3:04:45 PM
Author: ringless
She should confide in her boyfriend and ask him... if he has been suspicious or unfaithful in the past then she has reason to be suspicious... if not, then I wouldn''t think much of it. Guys can say dumb things sometimes, and if it offended her then she should let him know that is not the kind of language he should refer to other girls, and to let him know that it offended her and is disrespectful to their relationship.

To answer your Question, to me, flirting is never ok... that leads to other things the majority of the time.

I agree ringless, it is not ok to me either. I think it sends a message that the relationship is not that important to the flirter, and disrespectful to both the relationship itself and the flirter''s SO.

 

[Bia]

Maybe he just wants his ego stroked but I would definitely tell BFF to keep a careful watch because there is likely more where that came from--unfortunately.

 

[IrishBreakfast]

Date: 6/16/2008 3:08:31 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl
Well the woman was actually someone who had previously hit on him so to me, he was just fueling that (he said he just did it to mess with her because he knows she likes him).

That''s not cool. Not at all. I would smoke my DH for that. Any woman who makes a pass at him, better be instantly cut off - just as I would cut off a guy that did that to me. It''s disrespectful not only to the person involved, but their partner and their relationship too. But then to fan the flames and flirt with her? UH-UH! There would be some trouble for sure! Sounds to me like he is either stroking his own ego or thinking he can take it further. I don''t particularly like his excuse though - I''m leaning to the side of thinking he''ll take it further if he can. It just set off an alarm bell in my mind.

 

[Lauren8211]

Yeah, RED FLAG.

Sorry, but my high school boyfriend of 5 years cheated on me like crazy, and "innocent flirting" on the internet was the first red flag -- but I was too young and naive to catch it.

If your BFF has no idea who this girl is, then yeah, watch out.

I can give you another list of "red flags" of cheaters -- I know ALL OF THEM! lol.

 

[kcoursolle]

I think it all really depends on the relationship two people have like others have mentioned. If she is feeling hurt about it, then it's not okay my opinion. I think I would worry more about flirting that is secretive in texts or emails than flirting that happens out in the open when you are with your SO. DH and I have talked about this and figured out what works *for us* and it sounds like your friend needs to have a talk about it with her SO.

ETA: there are definitely red flags here in my opinion when the flirting is secretive.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 6/16/2008 3:04:45 PM
Author: ringless
She should confide in her boyfriend and ask him... if he has been suspicious or unfaithful in the past then she has reason to be suspicious... if not, then I wouldn''t think much of it. Guys can say dumb things sometimes, and if it offended her then she should let him know that is not the kind of language he should refer to other girls, and to let him know that it offended her and is disrespectful to their relationship.
To answer your Question, to me, flirting is never ok... that leads to other things the majority of the time.

I have the opposite take in general. My parent''s have been faithfully and happy married for almost 25 years and they flirt. My FI and I are very happy and we both flirt, it is only a slippery slope when the person was inclined to cheat to begin with.

I think this article sums it up best for how it works for people I know:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/worklife/02/05/work.spouse/index.html?iref=newssearch

 

[hisdiamondgirl]

On the flip side, my best friend (other than J) is a guy named B and he calls me ''sexy'' all the time like it''s my nickname. I call him ''handsome'' and ''darlin'' and stuff, and although his girlfriend-turned-wife first thought it was slightly unsettling, she doesn''t seem to care now. She knows we''ve known each other since we were 13 (or 12?) and just have always been like that. [/quote]


Something like this would be fine, he has plenty of female friends and if it had been one of them I don''t think it would have been such a big deal!

 

[musey]

Generally speaking, I think there are lots of different kinds of flirting... playful banter can be interpreted as flirting depending on who the people are and whether there's interest there. I always thought of this as flirting before dating FI, but I really only chose to do it with guys I was interested in, for the most part. Now I still do it with friends, but it's lost its flirt-factor for me. It feels absolutely innocent and friendly, now.

In the context of calling someone else "sexy"...

I wouldn't like it either. FI accidentally called another girl (a friend) "baby"--it just slipped out, because he was spending a lot of time with me and used to saying it all the time. He told me about it because, he said, afterwards he felt SO weird and just kinda wretched. Not necessarily guilty, just wrong. But to type and send something like that is different than it just slipping out of your mouth. It's much more intentional.

I'm curious now about the different takes on it between your female and male friends. I'm gonna ask FI what he thinks. ETA: FI says this is bad, and probably an example of my post below (but possibly an example of genuine interest

).

 

[musey]

Date: 6/16/2008 3:08:31 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl
Well the woman was actually someone who had previously hit on him so to me, he was just fueling that (he said he just did it to mess with her because he knows she likes him).

Okay I didn't see this before. I actually do have a strong take on this.

How long have your friend and her boyfriend been together? I ask because there seems to be this weird stage that a lot of men go through right around when the honeymoon period starts wearing off, and when things start getting more "real." It's like an "Oh, CRAP" moment when they realize that the person they're with may be the person they're with FOREVER. It's a wonderful thing, on one hand, because they've found someone they truly love... but there's this innate need for a lot of guys to feel like even if they are paired off, they're still wanted by other women. That if they wanted, they could have any number of these other women who are interested--but they're choosing to be with their girlfriend regardless of all that.

Can you tell I have some experience with this?

Let me tell ya, that was one HECK of a fight!

This is what FI says: "It doesn't necessarily mean the guy wants to hook up with that girl, just that he wants to lead her on and continue having that girl "wanting" him... because people like to be wanted."

 

[purrfectpear]

Based on the context that you described (she hit on him previously), I''d say he''s still a "boy" who likes (and needs) the attention of an attractive woman.

Your BFF just needs to decide if she''s comfortable dating a boy, or if it''s time to step up to a man.

She should keep in mind that boys don''t have the same moral compass as men, and that they are more likely to use poor judgement and get themselves in compromising positions that go too far. They''re the same boys who will make excuses when they get caught in same.

Personally I''d avoid the drama and date someone grown up.

 

[hisdiamondgirl]

Date: 6/16/2008 4:12:29 PM
Author: musey

Date: 6/16/2008 3:08:31 PM

Author: hisdiamondgirl

Well the woman was actually someone who had previously hit on him so to me, he was just fueling that (he said he just did it to mess with her because he knows she likes him).

Okay I didn''t see this before. I actually do have a strong take on this.


How long have your friend and her boyfriend been together? I ask because there seems to be this weird stage that a lot of men go through right around when the honeymoon period starts wearing off, and when things start getting more ''real.'' It''s like an ''Oh, CRAP'' moment when they realize that the person they''re with may be the person they''re with FOREVER. It''s a wonderful thing, on one hand, because they''ve found someone they truly love... but there''s this innate need for a lot of guys to feel like even if they are paired off, they''re still wanted by other women. That if they wanted, they could have any number of these other women who are interested--but they''re choosing to be with their girlfriend regardless of all that.


Can you tell I have some experience with this?

Let me tell ya, that was one HECK of a fight!


This is what FI says: ''It doesn''t necessarily mean the guy wants to hook up with that girl, just that he wants to lead her on and continue having that girl ''wanting'' him... because people like to be wanted.''

Thanks musey. I see your point and truly see how this could be happening here...they have been together 2 years and have recently started serious talk about getting engaged/married, etc., so this could very well possibly be an example of this. How did you deal with it? She is really very hurt about this and wants him to know that this is not ok!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 6/16/2008 3:08:31 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl
Well the woman was actually someone who had previously hit on him so to me, he was just fueling that (he said he just did it to mess with her because he knows she likes him). Also, I could understand if he were just a big flirt, like your hubby Irish, but he doesn''t flirt in front of my BFF. My point is that if you wouldn''t do something in front of your SO, then it is WRONG to do it when they are not looking!

ETA: Just read your post Bia, the woman is actually a friend of one his friends.

That, to me, is a HUGE red flag.

Why on earth would he want to ''mess with'' or otherwise lead some woman on? He''s either just plain mean, he likes the ego boost, or both.

Either way....

 

[wishful]

I don''t approve.

I don''t think it''s a good idea - and here''s why.
Number one - the GF esp if she is a FI should be his priority - not spending time (any time) emailing some other woman - it''s even worse that she hit on him!!!

Two - I''m not super keen on opposite sex friendships. If both the Man and Woman in the relationship are friends with "the friend" and when they hang out it''s all together then that''s different.
Why I am not a fan of opposite sex friendships that do not involve the SO is because no relationship is perfect. There are always going to be bumps in the road and rocky times. And when those times hit it''s easy to lean on that person for moral (ironic usage of that word) support. To unload your frustrations, vent, whathaveyou.

It almost always starts out as "innocent" but then when that person becomes somone they can talk to and communicate about topics that should be reserved for the SO then you have this emotional bond which is hard to break and it becomes easy for it to fall into something more than "just friends".

It''s just not good. I''ve been around long enough to see it happen more than once.
Otherwise I would have laughed something like this off.

 

[musey]

Date: 6/16/2008 4:39:00 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl

Thanks musey. I see your point and truly see how this could be happening here...they have been together 2 years and have recently started serious talk about getting engaged/married, etc., so this could very well possibly be an example of this. How did you deal with it? She is really very hurt about this and wants him to know that this is not ok!

It was REALLY awful for me, too. Like, sick to my stomach needed to get away from him to think awful.

I sat down to analyze what about it really bothered me before approaching him. It came down to the specific circumstances of it (that this girl had a long-time crush, that I perceived it as him giving her an "opening" to tempt him to cheat, etc.), not just some abstract concept of that behavior being generally "bad." Then, instead of attacking him with a blanket statement of "flirting is BAD!" I had something much more specific... "You did this under these specific circumstances, and it really hurts me because of X, Y and Z. Also, as a woman, I know how this girl is interpreting your words--so in case you don't, she sees it as an invitation from you to try to break us up. So, even if that wasn't what was in your head, that's how it's seen by us" (me and the other girl).

He felt really, really bad--and that's when he explained the "wanting just to be wanted" thing to me. It really does make sense, but I told him that while it's understandable, if this is how he acts on that feeling, it will cause us to break up at some point. Either it will invite someone to 'steal you away' or I'll eventually be too hurt to forgive you.

Anyway, I presented it all to him like that... and once he understood it from a female perspective he really understood why it was not okay. To my knowledge, nothing even remotely resembling that has happened since, even though yes, there are other women that are interested

Hope that helps...


ETA: Regarding the boy vs. man debate... I think this is something that most men have to learn at some point, the hard way (while in a relationship). Sometimes you can move past it, sometimes you can't. If you can't, then he knows better (hopefully) for the next relationship.

Since FI and I met young (1 we've learned a lot of this stuff together, the hard way. Instead of being the girlfriend that prepared him for the one he'd marry, I'm the girlfriend he's marrying. It was something of a struggle sometimes (like with this kind of crap), but I've honestly forgotten about almost all of it (until I see it brought up in the context of someone else's relationship) and don't think about it at all. So I still get to reap the benefits of the learning experience

All that is just to suggest that just because he doesn't know better now, doesn't mean he won't later. If they are young, they can just learn this stuff together... maybe they'll come out the other side just fine, like FI and I did, maybe they won't.

 

[Aloros]

Friendly, harmless, silly banter I can understand. I do it, FI does it - and we do it in front of the other - so there''s nothing under the table going on.

But this?

You simply don''t encourage someone who''s shown real interest. No, no, no. I''d put my foot down, and with force!

 

[diamondfan]

I think it is in the eye of the beholder. I personally do not like it, and think it is not appropriate...but that is me.

But some guys are more "flirty" or "friendly" and really do not see that their actions...it is not that they are trying to be obnoxious or sleazy, but their view of how to interact is off.

However, if you TELL a man you are dating or involved with that you do not like it and it persists, that is not great. And I, as someone on the receiving end, have said I do not like it and I fully expect that it will stop at that point.

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

I hope things work out ok for your friend, but I can only agree with the other posters here that even if this is a natural thing like Mimzy mentioned, we must curb our destructive but natural tendencies to have a successful relationship.

It''s very common to want to be wanted, but I think you step into a pretty dangerous place when you fan an already started flame. I don''t have a problem with a little friendly conversation, but in our relationship, we really try to always convey to members of the opposite sex that we are in a committed, stable, and happy relationship so there is no sense to hope. Not everyone''s the same, that''s just what works for us.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 6/16/2008 5:02:42 PM
Author: wishful
I don''t approve.

I don''t think it''s a good idea - and here''s why.
Number one - the GF esp if she is a FI should be his priority - not spending time (any time) emailing some other woman - it''s even worse that she hit on him!!!

Two - I''m not super keen on opposite sex friendships. If both the Man and Woman in the relationship are friends with ''the friend'' and when they hang out it''s all together then that''s different.
Why I am not a fan of opposite sex friendships that do not involve the SO is because no relationship is perfect. There are always going to be bumps in the road and rocky times. And when those times hit it''s easy to lean on that person for moral (ironic usage of that word) support. To unload your frustrations, vent, whathaveyou.

It almost always starts out as ''innocent'' but then when that person becomes somone they can talk to and communicate about topics that should be reserved for the SO then you have this emotional bond which is hard to break and it becomes easy for it to fall into something more than ''just friends''.

It''s just not good. I''ve been around long enough to see it happen more than once.
Otherwise I would have laughed something like this off.

I actually think opposite sex friendships are fine--I have a lot of male friends and nothing like this has ever come up. I just think it depends on the nature of the friendship and the specific people involved.

That said, I think your friend should talk to her bf and tell her this kind of behavior is not ok--I''d be POed if SO ever encouraged a girl who liked him in that way. I don''t care if he mildly flirts with girls he knows, but leading someone on like that is not a good thing.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 6/16/2008 6:05:01 PM
Author: ladypirate

Date: 6/16/2008 5:02:42 PM
Author: wishful
I don''t approve.

I don''t think it''s a good idea - and here''s why.
Number one - the GF esp if she is a FI should be his priority - not spending time (any time) emailing some other woman - it''s even worse that she hit on him!!!

Two - I''m not super keen on opposite sex friendships. If both the Man and Woman in the relationship are friends with ''the friend'' and when they hang out it''s all together then that''s different.
Why I am not a fan of opposite sex friendships that do not involve the SO is because no relationship is perfect. There are always going to be bumps in the road and rocky times. And when those times hit it''s easy to lean on that person for moral (ironic usage of that word) support. To unload your frustrations, vent, whathaveyou.

It almost always starts out as ''innocent'' but then when that person becomes somone they can talk to and communicate about topics that should be reserved for the SO then you have this emotional bond which is hard to break and it becomes easy for it to fall into something more than ''just friends''.

It''s just not good. I''ve been around long enough to see it happen more than once.
Otherwise I would have laughed something like this off.

I actually think opposite sex friendships are fine--I have a lot of male friends and nothing like this has ever come up. I just think it depends on the nature of the friendship and the specific people involved.

That said, I think your friend should talk to her bf and tell her this kind of behavior is not ok--I''d be POed if SO ever encouraged a girl who liked him in that way. I don''t care if he mildly flirts with girls he knows, but leading someone on like that is not a good thing.

I agree. My mother has equal numbers of good female and male friends and it has never gotten out of hand. I think people who have SOs who could do that are dating the wrong person. I know I wouldn''t and I know my FI wouldn''t. FI and I have a mutual friend who he admits he would be attracted to if he weren''t dating me. He hangs out with her alone and it doesn''t bother me in the slightest because I trust him. If something did happen, then I would know I was attached to the wrong guy and eventually it would be a positive, but I am not worried.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/16/2008 2:51:49 PM
Author:hisdiamondgirl
My BFF''s boyfriend left his email open on her computer and she saw an email in which he was flirting with another woman (he called her ''sexy''). She is very upset and I agreed with her that it is inappropriate and disrespectful in a committed relationship. Our other friend (male) doesn''t think it is a big deal. What do you think? How would you feel?

Was he upset about something? Did he intentionally leave his email up, or did she happen upon it? Certainly a clandestine act is more insidious than something playful in the open. I think flirting CAN be perfectly healthy in a relationship, as long as both parties know where to draw the line. There is a reason that everytime that SO or I go out with the boys or girls, we start texting each other like crazy about how much we miss and love each other. (the alcohol doesn''t hurt either

) I can be playful or flirty with other guys, but it makes me miss SO more. I also am upfront about my relationship, do not give out numbers or email, and dance only on my terms (NO wandering hands!!!

) We both also understand that no amount of alcohol or loneliness is an excuse for indicretion. You really have to know the person that you are with. If fidelity is an issue, you could be playing with fire. If that was the case I would be up in arms.

An email like that would make me pretty concerned. Unless her name was Sexy Lexy... lol

 

[Pandora II]

So much depends on the relationship between the couple.

I''m not a particularly flirty person, but I tend to be very interested in interesting conversations which has led men to believe I was interested in more than just what they were talking about (the e-ring helps here!).

FI does enjoy flirting with girls - but then dropping that he has a wonderful fiancee into the conversation just to watch the reaction it has.

Frankly I don''t care at all, I am secure enough to know that the chances of his ever cheating on me are very slim.

My parents celebrate 37 years of marriage in July and both of them are terrible flirts, but really have eyes only for each other.

I must admit I find the email thing worrying. Flirting at a party or other event is one thing, ''pre-concieved'' flirting over email is very different.

His comment that he ''just did it to mess with her because he knows she likes him'' would also worry me. It''s rather cruel and unpleasant to do that to someone and I wouldn''t want to be with a man with a flaw of that sort in his character.

 

[Lexie]

I don''t particularly think that there''s anything wrong with a little bit of playful banter, as long as it isn''t taken too far. I don''t find it amusing to lead other people on just for fun, however

 

[diamondfan]

Having friends of the opposite sex is fine as long as you are honest with yourself. I totally think it can be okay, but if you are not aware of how your partner feels and you upset them, you can make a mistake. I would like to say in a perfect world there is no jealousies and men and women can just hang platonically, but it is so dependent on the couple and past issues and hurts. But only the two people involved know if the flirting is innocent banter or crossing a line.

 

[Tuckins1]

I say this: If it offends the significant other then it is definitely NOT ok. If they don;t care, then flirt away! I personally would not stand for that from my husband (nor would he from me), but we have friends who flirt with other people all the time and they''re perfectly fine with it. To each his own!