Is flirting with other people ok?

[fieryred33143]

I have one rule in my house: no lying/hiding.

If she knew who this woman was and his conversations with this woman was out in the open...public knowledge...then I would say that its a little odd, borderline inappropriate but it works for them so whatever.

But she just so happened to stumble upon this email. What if she had not? How far would that "sexy" comment have gone?

It''s inapproriate, secretive, and I can almost guarantee his end goal was to do something with this woman

 

[diamondfan]

I also think calling someone "sexy" is strong. Being flirty or complimentary can be a bit innocent too, if you and the other person know it is not trying to lead to anything. But the word sexy to me conjures up something more.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 6/16/2008 3:08:31 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl
Well the woman was actually someone who had previously hit on him so to me, he was just fueling that (he said he just did it to mess with her because he knows she likes him). Also, I could understand if he were just a big flirt, like your hubby Irish, but he doesn''t flirt in front of my BFF. My point is that if you wouldn''t do something in front of your SO, then it is WRONG to do it when they are not looking!

ETA: Just read your post Bia, the woman is actually a friend of one his friends.

That has ALWAYS been my philosophy! My SO could playfully (i.e. kind of flirtilly - if that''s a word) poke my girl friend or something when we''re all out together, that''s not a problem because I know neither one has any motives behind it but just fun. However, in the situation you are describing, it would send up a huge red flag to me if my SO was emailing ANYONE who had previously tried to hook up with him. I don''t buy his excuse of just trying to "mess with her"...guys aren''t as naive as we sometimes think and I think he might actually probably likes the attention this "friend" gives him and is therefore trying to keep it going, whether or not he wants anything to come of it. Either way...NOT OKAY in my opinion...I''m with BIA, it''d be WWIII!

 

[that_someone_special]

Absolutely not ok with me. My BF knows that too!!! He would NEVER do that to me, and I''d never do that to him.. I don''t WANT to think anyone else is sexy! He is more than hot enough for me... anyways.. that''s just me. It''s just not cool, he shouldn''t be calling other women sexy-- just her.

 

[hisdiamondgirl]

Thanks for all your responses ladies. She has seen these posts and will probably be talking to him about it today. She did confront him about it when she first found it, but he turned it into a "why are you reading my email" argument so she was never able to tell him how she feels about the flirting. But right now, she just feels like throwing up every time she thinks about it!

 

[JulieN]

Date: 6/17/2008 2:12:27 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl
Thanks for all your responses ladies. She has seen these posts and will probably be talking to him about it today. She did confront him about it when she first found it, but he turned it into a ''why are you reading my email'' argument so she was never able to tell him how she feels about the flirting. But right now, she just feels like throwing up every time she thinks about it!

I think this is even worse! People make mistakes, but once they realize it, they should apologize.

 

[moderatelypoorstudent]

Date: 6/17/2008 2:12:27 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl
Thanks for all your responses ladies. She has seen these posts and will probably be talking to him about it today. She did confront him about it when she first found it, but he turned it into a ''why are you reading my email'' argument so she was never able to tell him how she feels about the flirting. But right now, she just feels like throwing up every time she thinks about it!

Oh my... red flags are everywhere!!! It''s classic cheater behavior.

"no, I''m not cheating, YOU are paranoid/crazy/overly possessive"
"No, I''m not cheating, you are a snoop!"

It''s a very typical pattern to turn the blame on the spouse/significant other and make it seem as though the cheater is actually completely innocent. And given how your friend is feeling about the situation, I think she should follow her gut. Even if the result is very unpleasant.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 6/17/2008 3:48:55 PM
Author: moderatelypoorstudent

Date: 6/17/2008 2:12:27 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl
Thanks for all your responses ladies. She has seen these posts and will probably be talking to him about it today. She did confront him about it when she first found it, but he turned it into a ''why are you reading my email'' argument so she was never able to tell him how she feels about the flirting. But right now, she just feels like throwing up every time she thinks about it!

Oh my... red flags are everywhere!!! It''s classic cheater behavior.

''no, I''m not cheating, YOU are paranoid/crazy/overly possessive''
''No, I''m not cheating, you are a snoop!''

It''s a very typical pattern to turn the blame on the spouse/significant other and make it seem as though the cheater is actually completely innocent. And given how your friend is feeling about the situation, I think she should follow her gut. Even if the result is very unpleasant.

TOTALLY agree with this!

My cheater boyfriend always somehow managed to turn the conversation around on me. Before you know it, you start to think you are actually crazy, and they start controlling you.

Haha, ok, maybe I had a really bad ex -- but that IS what happened to me. RED FREAKING FLAG!

 

[choro72]

I think flirting is ok, but the BF calling another woman "sexy" is not ok. Turning the argument around to blame the girl, is NOT ok.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 6/17/2008 3:51:10 PM
Author: Lauren8211

Date: 6/17/2008 3:48:55 PM
Author: moderatelypoorstudent

Date: 6/17/2008 2:12:27 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl
Thanks for all your responses ladies. She has seen these posts and will probably be talking to him about it today. She did confront him about it when she first found it, but he turned it into a ''why are you reading my email'' argument so she was never able to tell him how she feels about the flirting. But right now, she just feels like throwing up every time she thinks about it!

Oh my... red flags are everywhere!!! It''s classic cheater behavior.

''no, I''m not cheating, YOU are paranoid/crazy/overly possessive''
''No, I''m not cheating, you are a snoop!''

It''s a very typical pattern to turn the blame on the spouse/significant other and make it seem as though the cheater is actually completely innocent. And given how your friend is feeling about the situation, I think she should follow her gut. Even if the result is very unpleasant.

TOTALLY agree with this!

My cheater boyfriend always somehow managed to turn the conversation around on me. Before you know it, you start to think you are actually crazy, and they start controlling you.

Haha, ok, maybe I had a really bad ex -- but that IS what happened to me. RED FREAKING FLAG!

Definitely agree, I dealt with this with my ex-BF! It''s always YOUR fault for being paranoid and being mad that he has "friends." I think guys and girls CAN be friends but there needs to be clear-cut boundaries...none of which include "sexy" haha I mean let''s dissect here: sexy: adj.; sexually suggestive or stimulating...

 

[wishful]

I think this might help!

sorry it's in acrobat reader format...not a virus - I promise!

 

[diamondfan]

Men like to go on the offensive so it can deflect the real issue. If he were not doing something wrong it would not really matter if she read his email. I guess I see it in principle but I sort of think if you have nothing to hide it really should not matter...

 

[bee*]

I agree with everyone else in that it depends on the context in which he said it but if he''s using it to lead a woman on, I don''t think that it''s right.

 

[Anna0499]

I don't think I'd care as much if this friend hadn't shown some romantic interest in him previously. Whether or not this becomes a big issue depends on the type of people they are and the relationship they have but now that she has confronted him about it it should never happen again!

She should be the most important woman in his life, excluding maybe his mother and/or sisters.

 

[ringless]

I think it's kinda weird he's trying to make the other girl feel better by flirting back.. uh, OK! lol
He is just adding the fuel to the fire...... I really dont think there is anything such as "innocent flirting".. if you're flirting there is some attraction and reason why you're flirting. I dont even think pet names is approprite. I guess bottom line, if you wouldn't do or say certain things in front of your boyfriend or girlfriend that you would with that other person, then you probably shouldn't be doing it at all, especially if you're in a commited relationship worth saving and respecting.

**i'm sorry if any of these 'points' were addressed, i didn't have time to read all of the replies

 

[Circe]

I have a secret addiction to trashy chicklit. One collection that I picked up a while ago was Babyville, by Jane Green.It contained one story about a woman who developed an intense crush on a couple-friend, and was convinced that he returned her feelings ... until she overheard him and his wife laughing about how pathetic she was, the wife half-scolding, and the husband quite smug.

I remember thinking that it seemed like a problem with the writing, to have such a two-dimensional, inexplicable "villain," because who acts like that?

Well. You friend''s BF, apparently ....

Flirting''s a normal human activity, and I wouldn''t mind the playful kind of joshing that could be carried on in front of one''s partner. But this isn''t just flirting: it''s lying to his GF, and, adding insult to injury, it''s apparently playing mind-games with this other girl for the sake of his own ego. Ugh.

 

[crazyinlove]

My boyfriend and I have our "Golden Rule":

If you wouldn''t do it with the other present, don''t do it without the other present.

We both felt this was completely fair and pretty clear.

The fact that your BFF is hurt by what she saw suggests that this is not a normal thing, and obviously not something he would have done with her present. She definitely needs to have a serious talk with him.

 

[hisdiamondgirl]

Thanks for all the replies ladies! They talked about it last night and it went pretty well. Musey, she did what you did and specifically explained to him why she was hurt and offended by his actions, and he agreed that he was wrong and that he disrespected her and the relationship. He apologized profusely and assured her that it would not happen again (although of course that remains to be seen). She said that he seemed very sincere and she accepted his apology.

One thing I have to say though, while I agreed with mostly everyone''s points on here, there is one thing with which I disagree. I do not feel bad for that other woman being led on by him, nor do I think he is a horrible person for leading her on by flirting with her...she KNOWS that he has a girlfriend, has MET that girlfriend and still continued to hit on him, so in my opinion, she deserves whatever she gets!

 

[spike13]

I think there''s another issue here which is privacy. While I completely understand why her feelings were hurt, reading your SO''s email even if accidentally is a violation of boundaries. I think it''s important to respect space. Not doing that can make the other person feel smothered. It can be a slippery slope, so hopeful he was also able to discuss that aspect with her.

 

[Circe]

Date: 6/19/2008 12:00:51 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl
One thing I have to say though, while I agreed with mostly everyone''s points on here, there is one thing with which I disagree. I do not feel bad for that other woman being led on by him, nor do I think he is a horrible person for leading her on by flirting with her...she KNOWS that he has a girlfriend, has MET that girlfriend and still continued to hit on him, so in my opinion, she deserves whatever she gets!

Two wrongs don''t make a right, though ... and since your friend isn''t dating this chickie (and isn
t a close friend of hers, I assume), her motivations are kinda ... eh. I''m not saying she doesn''t deserve some instant karma ... just that it''s kinda not his place to mete it out, at least not like this. ''Cause, seriously - telling her she''s sexy? That''ll show her! And if it''s a huge plot to lead her on for some reason other than self-aggrandizement/to encourage her to feed his ego, well, then it''s just ... weird.

His actions and motivations *are* worrisome: you know that saying about how if he''ll cheat *with* you, he''ll cheat *on* you? Works here, too: if he''s playing head games with other people, what''s to say he won''t decide to pull one on your friend?

V. glad to hear that he''s seen the error of his ways! Here''s hoping it sticks.