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is it rude to not invite cousin?

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peanutjewel

Rough_Rock
Joined
May 1, 2008
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Need some ediquette help...My family is really close, and I would love for all of them to be at my wedding. My problem is my cousin has been with a woman for a couple of years. I don''t like her. She doesn''t shower on a regular basis (not being mean...being truthful, the woman smells...BAD), and would probably show up to the wedding wearing sweatpants or her pj''s. My cousins kids are also horrible teenage brats. Their family show up at events just for the free food. They go to baby and bridal showers without even a small inexpensive gift...just show up and eat. At our family''s weddings they go around and pick up the extra favors and take them...sometimes taking favors of people who are there and leave the table for a second. I love my cousin, but don''t like his kids or the woman he is with. My sister said she didn''t want to invite them to her wedding (a VERY expensive beautiful elegant affair) but was basically like "they''re family, you have to invite them, what can you do?" I don''t want them there, just to eat and steal the favors. I feel guilty, but I am thinking of not inviting them. My aunt (cousin''s mother) would probably be upset and complain to the rest of the family about it, and some of my other relatives, while understanding my point, would also feel that I have to invite them. My MOH says it''s my day and I''m allowed to be a bridezilla and not invite them if I don''t want to. Any ideas or suggestions on how to handle it? I want to invite all of my other cousins and they''re families, just not the one cousin''s family, and I know I can''t invite him and not his family. Am I being mean and unreasonable?
 
My opinion: no. Don''t invite anyone you don''t want there. If you don''t mind the idea of that person not being there, and can deal with whatever waves of drama that may result, then don''t invite them. Just understand it''s probably going to make the cousin and cousin''s parents unhappy, but maybe they''ll understand. :)
 
You are going to be so happy/busy/in love on your wedding day that I bet you won't even notice your cousin and his family among all of the other guests. I mean, I know his family aren't your favorite people, but taking some extra favors and not bringing a gift, while totally uncouth, aren't THAT bad in the grand scheme of things. Now, if they were prone to having shouting matches in the middle of family functions or something distracting to other guests, that would be another story, but it doesn't sound like they are doing that. The no-showering could be a bit of a distraction, but if you sit them at a table with your cousin's parents (i.e. the people she's "related" to anyway) none of your other guests would have their noses assaulted.

You said your sister invited them to her wedding- was she bothered by them at her wedding or did she not even notice that they were there?

Overall, I just don't think it's worth enduring all of the potential family politics problems just to eliminate someone from the guest list who you'll barely notice that day anyway. Good luck with the decision though!
 
I agree with Havernell. I thought my Crazy Aunt F would be a nightmare, and actually HAD nightmares. Then I didn''t even notice she was there.

Just remember that if you don''t invite them, you will never, ever live it down. You will be doing something permanent. And so it may be ''your day'' (if it even is YOUR day... which I''ve never been quite convinced of) but it''s not your ''the rest of your family life together''.

They won''t forget the insult the day after ''your day''.

And they WILL probably take it as an insult, if you''re inviting all the rest of your cousins.

So, just weigh that carefully is all.
 
Peanut, I can completely relate. I have 22 cousins on just one side of my family and I am not inviting them all (nor their families.) We just have told everyone that it''s a small guest list and that we are sorry. If you don''t want them there, don''t invite them. But, be prepared for the drama. To kind of hold off the drama, everyone that is not invited will receive a wedding announcement that we''ll have printed after the fact.
 
I think it would be rude to invite the cousin and not invite the person you know to be his long-term GF. Don''t they live together? As far as I know, the etiquette for long-term relationships is that if you invite one, you should also invite the other.
 
I know I can''t invite my cousin without inviting his longterm GF, and if I didn''t think I''d notice them I wouldn''t think twice. I don''t even mind if they never bring gifts...I think it''s a little tacky, but whatever. But, as for the favors, they''ve taken favors of guests at other wedding...I mean guests who were there, and caused a small scene. Also, the caterer I want is not on the cheap side by any means, and my cousin''s family will take way more than their share, not even just during the reception...They bring their own tupperware and take food to take home while people are still eating. I don''t mind giving away extra food after the event, and dividing it between whoever wants it, but I''ve been to family weddings where they ran out of food during the reception only to find out my cousin''s gf and his four kids went to the buffet about 4 times each to fill up they''re plates to take home with them. At 2 of my other cousins wedding the brides had to stop and tell them that the food is for everyone, and they wanted my cousin''s family to wait until after the reception and they could get whatever was left over...my cousin''s family STILL kept going up and taking food during the reception. Knowing this my family STILL says I just have to deal with it and invite them. I feel guilty to even not want to invite them, but at the same time I don''t want to have to "babysit" them during my wedding.
 
Okay, so your cousin's family is a little more "bothersome" than you let on in your first post. But, I think there are ways to handle these things with some advanced planning.

Favors: Just do a donation to a charity in your guests' names lieu of favors. Then there is nothing for your cousin's family to take (AND you get to support a worthy cause to boot!)

Food: Could you have a plated dinner instead of a buffet (so the offenders can't go up and get more food)? Or have the food served "family style" so your cousins family can only pack up the food that is physically on their own table? If a buffet is definitely what you are doing, you could tell the banquet manager (or whoever is in charge of determining when each table can to go to the buffet) to call up your cousin's table LAST. That way at least all of the other guests will have to chance to go through the buffet line once before your cousin's family has the opportunity to touch the food. Also have it be the banquet managers job to keep and eye on them and tell them to stop taking food if they do bust out the tupperware- that shouldn't be the bride's job. Designate someone from your venue to be the enforcer and then don't worry yourself about it!

Finally, your cousin's Mom and Dad (your aunt and uncle), are they okay with your cousin and fam taking food in tupperware like that? Can you ask your aunt to tell your cousin that they are *not allowed* to do that at your wedding? She can threaten to confiscate the tupperware, anything to get them to behave!

I'm sorry you have to deal with these people- it does sound like a really rough situation! But hopefully with some advanced planning and cooperation from your venue staff you can head off a lot of these problems.
 
You describe them as quite trashy and ill mannered and if they really do the things you say, I wouldn''t invite them. Period. But I''m not easily swayed by family pressure either. Good luck. They sound awful. I wouldn''t want them there either.
 
Very good suggestions, I''ve already purchased favors, so the donation is out. I''m still deciding on a venue, either in our backyard, with the caterer I have already chosen, or a castle/winery where they do the catering. If I do the backyard with the caterer, it would definitly be a buffet. If I go with the winery I''d do a sit-down. I''m leaning toward the winery, my FI is leaning toward the backyard, although he has said if I really want the winery the winery it is. I like both ideas. BUT, with the backyard wedding I know my cousin''s family would be there, and more than likely bring other people whether I specify that bf''s and gf''s of the teenagers are not invited or not, they don''t care. If I do the winery I don''t know if they''d show up or not, because it''s further away. I''m not letting them determine my venue, more than likely I''ll just suck it up and deal with it and invite them no matter how much it''s going to bother and distract me during the reception. It''s not just me...like I said, other brides have had to stop what they were doing to deal with my cousin''s family. I''m under enough stress about my wedding (mom refuses to meet FI, a whole other can of worms) I really don''t want to have to worry about what cousin''s family is going to do. I don''t like confrontation, and I don''t want to upset the family, even though they''d understand it''s not what we do. family''s family. I really don''t want them there though, I know they will cause more stress. grr.
 
Date: 5/9/2008 12:09:59 PM
Author: surfgirl
You describe them as quite trashy and ill mannered and if they really do the things you say, I wouldn''t invite them. Period. But I''m not easily swayed by family pressure either. Good luck. They sound awful. I wouldn''t want them there either.
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They are trashy, but you know what they say...you can pick your friends but not your family. They are rude, have no manners at all, no reguard for others. I like my cousin M, just not his gf and his kids, but it''s a package deal, can''t invite him without everyone else.
 
If it were me, I wouldn''t invite them, but then I think my sweet mother would bite her tongue so hard it bleeds not to say anything like that. My Fi does have some cousins, not that bad, but still a problem and we aren''t inviting them. We are inviting their parents who he likes, and we have gotten grief from my FMIL, but frankly, I really think having them there will cause more pain in the long term than problems with the family.

If I were in your family, I would think, but probably not say, "good for her. Maybe if more of the family had the balls to do that they would get the idea." So while some family may hate you for it, others may love you for paving the way for them.
 
Date: 5/9/2008 12:20:43 PM
Author: peanutjewel

Date: 5/9/2008 12:09:59 PM
Author: surfgirl
You describe them as quite trashy and ill mannered and if they really do the things you say, I wouldn''t invite them. Period. But I''m not easily swayed by family pressure either. Good luck. They sound awful. I wouldn''t want them there either.
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They are trashy, but you know what they say...you can pick your friends but not your family. They are rude, have no manners at all, no reguard for others. I like my cousin M, just not his gf and his kids, but it''s a package deal, can''t invite him without everyone else.
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I feel for you, peanutjewel, but would you mind me asking a question? You said you like your cousin, just not the rest of his family, right? If the whole gang is uncouth, then doesn''t that mean your cousin is in the plans too? If he is civil, then wouldn''t he have tried to stop his GF and children from misbehaving? I''m sure people in your family have tried talking to them if the situation is that bad (and yeah, it sounds horrible!), but if you''re really concerned but relate with your cousin, why don''t you or someone else (like your aunt) try talking with him, and have him relay the no-nos to the rest of the family?

I second the banquet manager idea. It shouldn''t have to be your job. I also think that the cousin''s parental family should try to mitigate a bit more actively.

Just my two cents.
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I hope it all works out for you!
 
IMO if your family is close and you''re thinking of inviting everyone except them then I don''t think that''s good. Yes, they don''t sound like the most appealing people to have at a wedding but you will be so busy, happy, emotional, excited on that day that you probably won''t notice them.

You can alert the banquet manager or person running the buffet to their Tupperware antics and have them deal with the "offenders" when they try to pack up food on their own. Or, you could "hire" a family member or friend to be a liasion and keep a close eye on them.

What sort of favors are you giving out? Something uber expensive that you''d like to have around your house in the event not everyone takes one? Or something cheaper/smaller/whatever?

If it makes you feel any better I had a formal wedding and buffet reception. Around 220 guests all dressed up in their best clothes and having a great time. Then there was my cousin''s live-in dude. Wearing cutoff jeans, Nascar t-shirt and Nascar baseball cap. Didn''t quite fit in. Oh well. He was the one who looked out of place and I was having the time of my life so I didn''t even care - it''s fun to look back and laugh about it now.
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Jess
 
OMG, they bring their own Tupperware to fill up with food at the reception???? This is almost funny, even though it is not.

I know it will cause drama, but I would not invite them. They sound like they have no class whatsoever. Sorry, but this is just my own opinion, for whatever it is worth.

Linda
 
In many places, it is actually illegal to use your own food containers for buffets, salad bars etc. The idea is that, the place serving the food cannot guarantee that the guests'' own containers are clean and sanitized, so the entire food supply could be contaminated through contact with the containers via serving utensils. (This is the same reason you can''t bring the same plate back up at a buffet)

Could you have the catering manager look out for the worst offenders? (much like the bartenders would look out for the problem drinkers)? They could then cite the (real or made up) city/venue policy, and then offer to wrap up the leftover food at the end of the night...
 
omg. They bring their own Tupperware containers and fill up while guests are eating!?! That is like right out of a movie lol! That sounds BAD. Honestly, I''d normally say you would be oblivious to little things like inconsiderate family members, but that is so over the top....It sounds like they have some serious potential to "ruin" your wedding day. I personally had a very small wedding (50 people) because I wanted only close people to celebrate with us. I wouldn''t want people who were there just to free load. On the other hand, if they did come, maybe you''d have some comical stories to tell about your wedding? lol. I would try to not feel bad if you don''t want them there. They sound unbelievable!
 
Okay so... TUPPERWARE!!!

Well, here''s an idea. I''m not saying its a good idea. It''s just an idea.

They are obviously not concerned with ettiquete. So I''d throw it out the window.

I would call your cousin''s GF. Call HER and him at the same time, preferrably. Heck invite them out to a buffet, they''ll probably come. Tell her in no uncertain terms that a) if they come they will have to follow the dress code b) no tupperware c) no gift stealing.

"Hello X, I wanted to talk to you about a couple of concerns I''ve had. I''ve noticed at the weddings of Y,M,G,T that you''ve brought tupperware to take food home, have picked up more than the allotted number of favors, and that despite the fact that they have been festive dress up occassions, your dress has been on the casual side. Obviously we love OUR COUSIN, and want him to join us on our day, but we really would appreciate it if you would leave the tupperware at home, take only your own favors, and dress to match the festivity of the occasion. I really regret that we have to have this conversation at all, but it has unfortunately become necessary."

Just lay it out. Shame them. If she''s offended-- oh well. Hopefully HE''LL be embarrased enough to actually do something to stop her from then on.

If it creates drama... just answer the family with the response" well, it was either that, or not invite them. Would you rather I just excluded them completely?"

Then invite them. If they RSVP, call her again to follow up just before the wedding.

Like I said, its AN idea.

I have already had a talk with John''s neices about their attire. They dress like tramps at weddings. Cheap tramps. I told them flat out what the dress code is. Told their mothers, and thier grandmother too. I am planning on buying shrugs for all three of them, and having them standing by with my DOC just in case for the family photos.

Oh, that''s another thing. Get a Day of Coordinator. Tell her about them. If they arrive with tuppeware, have her take it away, if they try to take favors, have her regulate them.
 
lol is anyone else thinking of "Cousin Eddie" and his family from National Lampoon''s Christmas/Vegas Vacation?
 
Luckystar,

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I am now that you brought it up. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha


Linda
 
So, I was going over the guest list with my mom last night. I figured she would have a big problem with not inviting my cousin...she doesn''t want them there either!! She brought it up, so I didn''t even have to say anything. I''m going with the winery, so she said they probably wouldn''t come anyway, but she didn''t care to have them there at all. She said if there was any family drama she''d handle it!! So, I''m not even going to stress about it.
 
I am so glad to hear your mother doesn''t care to have them there either. Now you won''t have to worry about it.

Your wedding will be at the winery??? How beautiful. My niece was married at a winery 2 years ago. It was so beautiful.

I am so happy to hear your planning will be stress free now.

Love, Linda
 
poifect! Now dont forget to tell your mom that when/if people ask if/why he''s not invited, she tells them WHY, otherwise he/they might show up with their traveling road show. I think your mom''s response and stance means that you''re not the only one in the family feeling the way you do and I''d bet that most of your relatives feel similarly...Good for you!
 
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