Is this weird? Would you go?

[lucyandroger]

Well I agree in the case of immediately family such as siblings, but I for one never see my cousins except at weddings, the occasional birthday and funerals. And if one was being a drop kick then I would drop kick her.

The family is very close. FI and his cousin were born days apart from each other and lived on the same block for most of their lives.

I'm not sure scheduling a wedding three weeks in advance of another family member is worthy of being "drop kicked." Petty, if the reasons and motivations are truly what we're being told, but to me this isn't an offense worthy of estrangement. Having dealt with family members who no longer speak to one another, for reasons of far more importance, let me tell you it just isn't worth it.

To be clear, if all they had done was schedule their wedding three weeks in advance of our wedding, I would have absolutely NO probelm at all with the situation. I would chuckle to myself that they were trying to "beat us" and then not think about it again.

However, what they did was schedule the exact same wedding three weeks before our wedding - on the beach, in a neighboring town, same time of day. While certainly not a unique idea, every other wedding ceremony in our families has either been in a church or city hall/JOP. We had two family events right after FI and I got engaged (Easter and Gradma's birthday) and we shared our plans with everyone (date, location, type of wedding). There was excitement about doing something different and making a weekend out of it. Now our wedding is no longer "different" in that way and there are people that either can't come (because they can't make both and don't want to come to one or the other) or can't make a weekend out of it because they have to pay to attend the other wedding as well. These are the things that have upset me.

Also, I am not a competitive person. It's just not in my nature. And I hate that everything we do will be directly compared with their wedding (since theirs will be so similar).

 

[PrincessNatalie]

If I were to attend I would attempt to reconcile prior to the wedding.

Otherwise sending your regrets that you can not attend sadly as you have prior commintments should not start a storm. And otherwise everything will be done out of b|tchy spite.

 

[lucyandroger]

My memories of my wedding are happy - and my memories of having her as my bridesmaid are happy. My memories of her wedding are honestly not strong either way. I'm infinitely glad I was the bigger person through it all - that I didn't kick up a public fuss or add to the drama, attended their event and put on my happy face. Because A) I came out looking like an angel, B) guests didn't have to choose - or those that did chose ours, C) they were sincerely apologetic, and really wonderful next weekend. Doesn't sound like (C) will be happening for you, but at least you've got A & B going for you, y'know?

At your wedding I'm absolutely sure that you won't care what happened three weeks, one week, one day earlier - every part of you will be focused on the here and now. And that's all anyone else will be paying attention to as well. As it should be

So - my 2c - go if/when you're invited, wish them well, try to have some fun with your FI. Be the bigger person. Everyone will know you're being the bigger person, which will make you feel better in the short-term, and in the long-term, months from now when you're happily married, you won't give a d*mn about any of this mess - and if you're the bigger person now you'll have a chance to salvage a relationship, if you want to. I think of SIL as family and enjoy chatting with her, and there are no hard feelings left, and I don't know that that would have been the case had FI and I behaved differently.

Yssie - Thank you for this post. My problem is I don't have B or C above. Some relatives have decided not to attend either wedding since they can't attend both (they are out of state) and the first wedding is Good Friday. Also, a few people who planned to stay longer for our wedding can't because they have to spend an additional day off from work and more money to attend the other wedding. They are both semi-destination weddings - about 2 hour drive for most people.

And the part I'm having the most trouble with is C. Not only are they not apologetic but everyone including the cousin's own parents believe that this was done intentionally. Of course the cousin's parents blame the fiancee rather than their son. How do you make nice with someone who purposefully tried to do something to take away from your wedding? When they refuse to even recognize what they did?

More background - about 2 or 3 years ago, we had a psychic come and do readings for the fun of it. The cousin's mom said to the fiancee "maybe she'll tell you when you're getting married" and then winked at the cousin. The cousin yelled (in front of everyone) "I'm not going to propose, okay? leave me alone." The fiancee, who of course was mortified, said "I don't need to get married. I'm not the type of girl that needs to get married." So yeah, clearly marriage has been an issue for a while and it comes as no shock that she was upset when my FI and I got engaged.

But FI and I had a 14 month engagement so she could have chosen lots of months that were further from our wedding and before us. She also could have told us that she was going to plan a beach wedding at the Jersey Shore before we booked our venue. We discussed venues with the family at Easter. If she had said that she always wanted to get married on the beach at the Jersey Shore (don't know if this true or not), we probably would have tried to come up with something else.

And because I can already hear people thinking it, the cousin was not saving up for a ring when my FI proposed. The fiancee did not get an engagment ring and the proposal was not a surprise.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

L&R I feel for you, I really do. And I know this sucks..

But you only get one day. You don't get a month, you don't get a year. You don't even have an exclusive right to a beach wedding. You get a day. I realize that by her setting the date so close to yours it means that some important people can't come. That's life, and you can't control what other people do.

While she may be immature and selfish, her soon to be husband is soon to be your family. In your heart of hearts, do you really want to go into your marriage with a rift between you and an in law? To me, it wouldn't be worth it. Go for Fi's cousin. Go for his aunt. Looking back, someday, I think you'll be glad you rose above it and attended.

Everyone already knows that you were planning first. You will both still have special, individual events.

I completely sympathize. If I were in your shoes I'd be upset too.. But I think you need to think about the long term ramifications of not attending.

 

[yssie]

L&R I feel for you, I really do. And I know this sucks..

But you only get one day. You don't get a month, you don't get a year. You don't even have an exclusive right to a beach wedding. You get a day. I realize that by her setting the date so close to yours it means that some important people can't come. That's life, and you can't control what other people do.

While she may be immature and selfish, her soon to be husband is soon to be your family. In your heart of hearts, do you really want to go into your marriage with a rift between you and an in law? To me, it wouldn't be worth it. Go for Fi's cousin. Go for his aunt. Looking back, someday, I think you'll be glad you rose above it and attended.

Everyone already knows that you were planning first. You will both still have special, individual events.

I completely sympathize. If I were in your shoes I'd be upset too.. But I think you need to think about the long term ramifications of not attending.

Exactly this.

It sucks. It really does.

But... everything OU said above holds very true. What I can promise, with absolute certainty, is that at your wedding you won't care about any of this, all you'll feel is happiness and excitement and love for your DH and for those that were able to join you in celebration.

 

[junebug17]

L&R, I wish I could wave a magic wand and just make all of the bad feelings and negative energy you are feeling just go away, because the bottom line is all this resentment, all this drama, all of these angry emotions are only going to poison your entire wedding experience. That's all they're going to do...absolutely nothing good is going to come out of you feeling so angry. It's not going to change anything. This relative is having the wedding, it's all going to happen, there's nothing to be done about it. The only thing that's going to happen is that your negative feelings are going to sour your entire experience for you. In the end, you're the one who's going to be hurt. Not the cousin and his fiancee...they're going to have their wedding and have a grand old time, regardless of whether you're pissed or not. Whether you go or not is no skin off their apple.

I don't blame you for being upset, but honestly, a few years down the road, is any of this really going to matter? Really? Is everyone going to care as much about this as time goes by? I'm older, and I guess a little cynical, but honestly as time goes on your anger is going to fade, but you're going to be stuck with all the memories of feeling so angry and resentful at such a special time in your life.

This relative can only sabotage your wedding if you let him. It would be so awesome if you could just let all this drama and negativity drain out of you, because in the end you're only hurting yourself. It would be great if you could stop focusing on how you were wronged by this couple and just focus on and enjoy your own wedding experience, which will be beautiful and special and wonderful in it's own right because it's going to be YOUR wedding!

I hope you can get to a place of peace on all this. Otherwise, as I said, it's going to continue to eat at you and take away from the enjoyment of your wedding experience.

Oh, and it's unfortunate that other family members are perpetuating this drama, because I think it keeps you from getting past it. It would also be great if you could separate yourself a little from all the family drama, because in the end, you can't control other people's reactions, but you can control your own.

 

[PetitiePoire]

I would still go. I am in a similar situation.Soon after deciding on a date/venue FI's best friend and fiancee found out they were expecting a baby and changed their date from late 2011 to two weeks before ours. They will not only be getting married two weeks before us, but also in the the same ceremony site and and same venue. Am I mad or sad in any way? No way! I am beyond excited for them and look forward to seeing how our weddings compare. It also gives me an opportunity to see what works and doesn't work with the venue and tailor it if I need to. Both of our weddings will be personal and special and I can't wait to be a part of their big day.

I hope you decide to put the past behind you and move forward. Your wedding will still be perfect and original, because it is your wedding. I hope you don't let anymore time go by worrying about this and enjoy your engagement and upcoming wedding. I also hope y'all are able to salvage the relationship with that cousin and his soon to be wife. I'm sorry the family isn't making it any easier. :/

Best of luck on whatever you decide.