It''s a Rollercoaster

[BLINGQUEEN]

Welcome back croi!! Congatulations on your marriage.

No ering just means you''ll have longer to find the perfect ring

 

[AMALEEKEL]

Croi--Thanks for your words- I''ve heard stories like that and frankly, they scare me to death!
I really can''t imagine being with anyone but him.
I know he feels the same way...so it''s ***Hopefully!*** just a matter of time!

I always kept up with your posts & was so happy when you finally posted the "he asked me" thread! Congratulations---and good luck planning!
That is sooo whirlwind!

Thanks to everyone for the kind words--they help- SO MUCH!!

Have a great afternoon!

 

[Bagpuss]

I hope this post won''t upset too many of you because I really do feel for you girls (''cos that''s what you all seem like to me at my great age) who are waiting, waiting, waiting for your men to make the first move, get the ring, organise everything. Why?

Maybe it''s a generational thing, maybe it''s because I''m British not American, maybe it''s just because I''m me........I really don''t know, but I was never like this. I''ve never allowed anyone to have this kind of hold over my emotions and life. When my dh and I met we were engaged within three months because WE decided that we wanted to get engaged. None of this hanging around and waiting for the other to say something. We were two grown ups who both knew what we wanted and talked it out between us. WE bought the ring after WE decided to get married. WE made plans for the wedding, what it would be like and when it would take place. There was never any doubt between us and it''s been that way for the past 29 years.

I''m afraid that I can''t imagine doing it the way you girls do it these days. Too much angst for me.

Anyway, good luck.

 

[Erin]

I don''t mean this to sound the wrong way, but congratulations for meeting one of the few men on the planet without scuff marks on the tops of his shoes.

I think most of us (we) have decided we want to get engaged and married otherwise we wouldn''t be waiting here for our rings. There just comes a point where we''ve talked about it and these men/boys are coming out with the proposal.

There is a fine line between making the decision together and holding out for tradition i.e. the ring.
I highly anticipate my bf being involved in the planning stages of the wedding - that''s just what I do solo in the meantime to keep myself preoccupied and hopeful that someday this will all come to fruition.

I believe you that people used to do this in a lot shorter time frame - but with women''s opportunities and careers and choices people are waiting a lot longer to get married. Maybe that''s why men think - I''m already 30, 31, 32, 33.....what''s another year. I think it''s a generational thing.

 

[Bagpuss]

Oh, he got the scuff marks ok - just a lot quicker than some of your guys!

I still got the whole official romantic proposal - posh frock, posh hotel, posh meal etc. man down on one knee, ring box in hand, in front of huge crowd of strangers. Lovely memories.

We just didn''t torture each other getting there.

(BTW We''re both University Graduates and professionals - the marriage proposal didn''t affect that either!

)

 

[Blue824]

I don''t think it has a hold over my emotions, I know its just not the right time for us yet. We both know that''s what we want, we talk about it, plan, look at rings, it has definitely all been discussed!! But he''s paying his way through graduate school and I''m trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, and as of June we now live in different cities. A big part of it is that we just don''t feel right getting engaged with out being financially stable. I would like to have a career, that is something that my mother emphasized so much as I was growing up, not to be a downer, but she didn''t wait for a career, got married, got divorced and is fine, but I mean, alimony only lasts so long...I want to be financially independent, I don''t mind helping pay for the ring, my bf does on the other hand.

I think a lot of it is generational...Like Erin said, people are waiting longer, they have different goals in mind, everythign is happening later in our lives. If I compared both of our parents'' courtships & weddings they''re very different from ours, and that''s just how the times have changed. I definitely don''t feel tortured waiting, we want our lives to be more solid and don''t mind waiting until that happens.

I was looking for a resource online to teach my bf about diamonds, and I found this wonderful group of girls...I''ve learned a lot from them...Its reassuring to have other people on this board from all over the country/world and know that we''re all looking forward to the same thing

 

[TravelingGal]

Ama, do the race...I think it will be a wonderful accomplishment!

Croi, preaching to the choir. As much as I would have liked to see Dublin, I skipped it in favor of the west and southwest. I met the most amazing people, and that is some gorgeous territory! When I go back, I think I might go further south and also up to Donegal and Sligo. Ireland was absolute magic for me...such a delightful time.

 

[AMALEEKEL]

Bagpuss---
I wish we could all be as lucky as you to have a quick dating/engagement...I''m not sure I was ready at 3 months...but I was only 19 when we started dating. After a period of time...then I realized that I was ready.
That''s awesome that you guys both just knew off the top. Do you mind if i ask how old you and your hubby were when you were dating/engaged? (I''m just curious)

PS-Where did your name (bagpuss) come from? I saw the quote, but wasn''t sure if it was a book or what...

Hope yall are all having a great night---PS- anyone into "Lost"? It was a great episode tonight!

 

[blue_chica]

Bagpuss - no disrespect intended, but I think that was a rather one-sided way to look at things. While I agree that open communication is critical, I think many people on here HAVE openly communicated their needs and desires, and that hasn''t resolved the issue. Marriage is pretty much the one thing that you simply cannot do independently and by yourself, it is simply NOT a one-person decision...so if you are with someone you love, feel is right for you for life, and you are ready to get married, but they aren''t...well, you have two options. Leave. Stay. Which one is the smart thing to do is different for every couple, but I am not sure it''s fair to couch things in terms of letting someone else rule your emotions. You were very lucky in finding the right person and both of you knowing that right away. What if you had known that in 3 months but it took 5 years for him to be ready? Should you have left? Then you wouldn''t be with him now.

 

[blue_chica]

ps. Amaleekel, we''re very into Lost, but Tivo''d it last night, so if there are going to be details on here I must shield my eyes!

 

[Bagpuss]

Date: 2/9/2005 10

2:31 PM
Author: AMALEEKEL
Bagpuss---
I wish we could all be as lucky as you to have a quick dating/engagement...I''m not sure I was ready at 3 months...but I was only 19 when we started dating. After a period of time...then I realized that I was ready.
That''s awesome that you guys both just knew off the top. Do you mind if i ask how old you and your hubby were when you were dating/engaged? (I''m just curious)

PS-Where did your name (bagpuss) come from? I saw the quote, but wasn''t sure if it was a book or what...

Hope yall are all having a great night---PS- anyone into ''Lost''? It was a great episode tonight!

I do too. I have two just-adult

children and I hope and pray that they will both be as happy in their personal life as we have been. Trust me, I kissed a good few frogs before I met my prince so I know how hard it can be. Having said that I too was 19, just turning 20, when I met my future dh. I had been proposed to before, the out of the blue kind of proposal, but I knew that he wasn''t the one. Very different scenario when I met dh.

To answer your other question, Bagpuss is the main character in a children''s TV programme from the ''70s by Oliver Postgate. You can find out all about him here-----> http://www.smallfilms.co.uk/bagpuss/

 

[Bagpuss]

Date: 2/10/2005 9:21:44 AM
Author: Blue Chica
Bagpuss - no disrespect intended, but I think that was a rather one-sided way to look at things. While I agree that open communication is critical, I think many people on here HAVE openly communicated their needs and desires, and that hasn''t resolved the issue. Marriage is pretty much the one thing that you simply cannot do independently and by yourself, it is simply NOT a one-person decision...so if you are with someone you love, feel is right for you for life, and you are ready to get married, but they aren''t...well, you have two options. Leave. Stay. Which one is the smart thing to do is different for every couple, but I am not sure it''s fair to couch things in terms of letting someone else rule your emotions. You were very lucky in finding the right person and both of you knowing that right away. What if you had known that in 3 months but it took 5 years for him to be ready? Should you have left? Then you wouldn''t be with him now.

None taken

I know relationships are never that simple and I''m sorry if I implied that none of you girls were talking seriously with your significant others.

It''s just that some of you do seem to be turning what I felt should be a wonderful happy exciting time in your lives into a miserable period of waiting over which they seemed to have no control. The fairytale courtship/proposal dream sadly often is just that - a bit of a dream, not real life. Maybe I just wanted to inject a note of caution, not to let your lives be ruled by this wanting everything to be as you imagined it should be, rather than how it actually is. I don''t think that it''s necessarily the men''s fault that their women are going through such anxiety. It''s more to do with the women''s, sometimes unrealistic, romantic expectations. That will probably seem hard-bitten, but experience teaches us many things.

I really do wish you ALL the very best, but please don''t put your lives on hold or put yourselves through hell until he pops the question. Be the person he fell in love with, be yourself.

 

[NoonersMom]

Bagpuss....I think you just earned the ire of a few! LOL. No offense taken here, but times are different! Each situation is an individual one and most likely no two are the same. Your statement is like me saying that all adult British men who went to boarding school are emotionally unavailable & can''t express their feelings! While this may be true in some instances, it''s certainly not the standard or applicable in all cases!

It most instances it comes down to timing. One may be ready, the other not. Do you stay or go? Or financial circumstances dictate otherwise. That''s a personal decision based on an individual''s value system & priorities. As a wise woman once told me....you can have anything you want, you just can''t have everything you want!

In our case, we could of been engaged a year ago, but made the decision to be smart about our finanical future and bought land in New Zealand & a home here in the US within 2 months of each other. The 20% down wiped out our savings. Now we''re just waiting on his bonus to come through. In my instance, I know we''re going to get engaged & married. It''s just frustrating (and comforting at times) knowing that it''s going to happen...just not NOW as I want it NOW! lol.

Next time, before you make a statement, please be academic and consider an issue from many different perspectives, not just the one that is or was applicable to your situation. (wow...this is long....not ranting, just a different perspective).

 

[NoonersMom]

PS....The statement was meant with kind consideration.... again, not ranting. I also didn''t see your responses to others until I just submitted mine. It''s appearant by your responses you do see it from different perspectives. It just didn''t come across in the first post. And yes, I agree, sometimes we forget to live in the hear & now & need a reminder of that.

 

[blue_chica]

Hi Bagpuss,

I see what you were saying more clearly now. And you are absolutely right that a fairy tale proposal may be just that. In faaaaaaaaaact, many guys subscribe to the same fantasy and end up making their loved one suffer more for it, prolong the waiting - they want it to be perfect so they have to save up forever, wait for the perfect time, it has to be a surprise, so if we ask them about it, it just delays it. Many guys seem to subscribe to as much of the mythology of a proposal as women - both sides play the game.

That''s what my guy was doing, and yes, I did end up explaining my feelings and we worked out a solution...but in the interim I was going crazy. I look back with a little shame, because I got so worked up and here I am a few months later engaged, while there are other people who have been waiting much longer. If you had told me back then to just relax and not get so worked up I would have said but there''s something very important to me that I don''t seem to have much control over!

Anyway, your advice to do your best to get on with life and focus less on the waiting is sound, even if hard to implement. Thankfully there''s always this board when it gets too hard.

 

[Bagpuss]

No offense taken - that''s what I hope forums like this are for - to put forward ideas and experiences that you feel may help others or at least give them another perspective.

It''s only advice and of course advice can be taken, if it makes sense to you, or ignored, if it''s not applicable in your situation (or if it''s rubbish!

)

Again, I wish you all very much happiness in your future lives together and remember, be kind to each other and to yourselves.