Kama_S (to avoid threadjack)

[allycat0303]

Kama_s,

I have talked about pushing the wedding back to next. I''ve talked about it to EVERYONE:
FMIL: We need to have something happen to look forward too.
FSIL: You had better not think of cancelling the wedding. It wil give us a chance to get the whole famlly together and remember FIL
FBIL: Before FIL passsed away, he said he would be there in spirit, he would not want you to cancel it.
Mother: The contract for the venue says 4000$ loss if postpone. And I already told my friends. It would be such an embarrassment!
Grandmother: What are we going to tell all of our relatives because you don''t have a residency? We need to make up something.
Fiance: I promised my Dad as he was DYING that we would still get married THIS YEAR.

Lots, lots, lots of pressure from everyone to do this. I feel like my wedding is going to be a wake for FIL. We''re all going to cry for FIL. And then we''re going to light candles for FIL; we''ll talk about all the good times with FIL. We''re going to make speeches about FIL. Somewhere between that, I''ll probably be crying for my grandfather too. And for lack of residency. From that description, most people would say "That''s what a wake is".

I''m actually not exaggerating. MIL and SIL have planned a lot of stuff for ceremony/details, and there''s actually stuff done in that area. They got a candle with FIL''s picture (to be lit), a picture of FIL to be set up next to guest book. I read the best man speech (it''s all about how much FIL would have loved to be there, his hopes for our relationship, how implicated we were in the death) I think they mention our relationship and best wishes in the last two lines. I guess it''s expected because FBIL is the best man. They''ve discussed how all of the family should wear pale blue ribbons on lapel for FIL. And they would like the readings to reflect more of eternal-life, eternal-family vibe. I don''t know what the options for readings are yet, so we''ll see.

I get depressed just writing it. And let''s face it, my life is circling around the drain, so I don''t WANT to deal with any of this. Yesturday my Fiance came home with a list of things he wanted me to have done today. He''s making WEDDING LISTS for me. He keeps telling me that nothing is getting done, and that I''m being disrespectful. I screamed at him. Not yelled, but screamed, that if he was so set on doing this, he should do it himself. Especially since he subsequently spent the rest of the night playing playstation

. Oh and then FBIL and him discussed how I was being mean because I must be PMSing, and stressed about the wedding. He does this on the phone. While I''m in the room.

 

[Clairitek]

Ally- I can''t even find the words to describe how angry I am with your family and FI right now. Where do they get off?? Wow. I am stunned by they way they are behaving right now.

On a the other side- We are here for you! Is there anything we can do to help? I''d love to lighten your load of wedding related stuff, if possible.

 

[merrymunky]

Oh wow...that''s a ton of pressure from his family.

I just hope they can deal with the fact that it is to be a celebration of marriage, not a wake for someone who is not there.

It is not disrespectful to have some small part of the proceedings to remember him, but it IS disrespectful of them to take over the whole day to this degree. Sure remember him, have his picture there etc, but remember WHY you are all there, to celebrate your marriage.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

OMG allycat,

I was reading your post thinking that you were talking about your wedding... then thinking you were talking about a wake and then realising you were talking about your wedding which basically sounds like it has been hijacked into a wake!

This sounds like an absolutely terrible thing that you are dealing with right now, i don''t have any words of wisdom but i just wanted to offer my support and love. goodluck

 

[allycat0303]

You gals are sweet. I don't feel like I can tell them not to mourn. I'm mourning too. You can't say to someone, "Well I know you buried your father, husband, brother) 4 months ago, and I think this wedding should be more about THE COUPLE." Actually fiance is on board with all of this. But for me, it's the equivalent of having a ceremony in the middle of a wake, minus the casket. There's been discussion of having the bridal party wear something prominently black to show respect as well. Me included, and when I said I thought it wasn't a great idea, my fiance and his family were kind of mad at me (i.e there was tension at the table).

Last night, I was wondering if he even wanted to marry me for the right reasons, ya know? It seems like he is really into making this wedding about his Dad, and his wishes. He's shown zero intrest in anything that hasn't been geared at commemortaing his Dad. And there's been a lot fo hurtful things said. Like, "I didn't ask your opinon, I'm going to do whatever I want" That was last night because he's added about 20 or so his Dad's cousins which I've never met...and we had both agreed it would be a small wedding. He says they came to pay their respects at the wake so we were inviting them. I asked him if we could talk about it, and he said "It's not even a discussion. This is what I'm doing."...which ok, but until the wake, he didn't know these people. He was actually introduced because he didn't know THEIR NAMES. Added to it, that I was limited to inviting 5 guests. I have five friends coming to the wedding. That's it. We decided on a limited wedding, so I don't really get why we have to invite people that the family has seen 1 in 13 years!

It never used to be like this between us. I feel like I no longer have any power. This might sound strange, but I wondered last night if maybe it's because I didn't get into residency? Like he knows he's going to be the primary bread-earner again and views that I have no value, and can't say "No" because I'm going to be dependent on him? Or maybe I'm projecting, but last night, I felt like he was acting like a stranger. He never TELLS me to do anything. EVER. And we've been together for 13 years, so I KNOW HIM. And worst, the whole conversation he had this closed off, resolute, *I don't give a S&^% about what you think because you are replaceable* vibe. Which I've never had from him before either. I keep trying to chalk it up to a bad day, but this morning I woke up still thinking about it.

 

[lliang_chi]

Allycat, I think this is a mix of a lot of emotions right now. You''re right maybe you are projecting about your residency. He''s definitely still grieving. And on top of all that stress you have a wedding sitting in the middle of everything.

Something I can think of, talk about each thing SEPARATELY. I realize that it''s life and everything''s intertwined. But start with talking about residency. This seems like it''d be the least charged topic for him, so he won''t be so defensive. Talk about your future, what are you two going to do. Talk about what he feels about you not getting in. Talk about how you feel. Don''t mention your dad, or your wedding.

I dunno I''d think the next thing would be to talk about your wedding. I''d talk to him about the things that you''re excited/looking forward to. 1) You''ll get to see friend X from college that moved out of the country. 2) All his fraternity brothers will be there. 3) That really cool band. 4) walking down the aisle to him. He''s grieving so right now the only thing he can think of is his dad. It''s his wedding, he''s allowed to have fun and enjoy the things that made you guys excited before. That''s what ever parent wants.

I really hope it''s just a funk you guys are going through because of everything''s that piled on you guys. Big hugs to you.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Allycat

Sorry for butting in an a conversation that you were obviously having with someone else, but i just wanted to say that grief can do funny things to people. Your FI has just lost his father and is obviously not himself right now.
Do you want to go ahead with the wedding, knowing that everyones attention will be focused on his father and not who the attention should be on... you???

I can understand wanting to include something in your day to remember someone who has passed, my FI"s father passed away and at his sisters wedding he was remembered in the speeches and in the service by the priest and i am sure we will do something to remember him too. But people suggesting you and the bridesmaids wear black is a little innapropriate, not to mention out of control!

Perhaps you should think about postponing the wedding, not only becasue it is getting out of hand and fast becoming your fils wake, but becasue your FI is grieving and down the track he may regret how he has acted and reacted to the whole thing.
Grief can be very consuming, and you don''t want to let it consume something that is meant to be the happiest day of your life, your wedding day.

I''m sure that the things he is saying and the way he is reacting is his grief, hang in there with him and i am sure it wil all work out.

 

[NuggetBrain]

My eye is twitching, I'm so irritated at this whole thing. I cannot believe they would expect for you to turn your wedding day into a wake. The point of a wedding is not so people can get together and remember a lost loved one, its for people to get together and celebrate the beginning of a new marriage. The suggestion that the BRIDE wear BLACK??? What the hell is that?? How well did you know your FIL? Maybe sitting down with your fiance and saying "Your dad would have wanted this day to be about celebration, not sadness" would work, if that's the kind of man he was. I just don't even know what to say to this...you handled it much better than I would have, even with the screaming.

Oh, and your fiance giving you a wedding list, and then complaining about you to his brother in the same room as you? That's completely passive-aggressive. You need to sit down and have a talk with him, and let him know that is not acceptable. I know he might not be himself right now because of mourning, but that does not give him the right to treat you poorly.

 

[kama_s]

Oh, Ally. I dont even what what to say. Now, I'm not angry at the family, I'm also not upset at your FI's behaviour. Everyone deals with death differently, everyone mourns differently and everyone moves on differently. It's just unfortunate that the wedding is sort of 'in the way'. Now, I have a few suggestions, and I dont mean it to offend...but just to offer support. So if you want me to stop, just say so and I will (but I wont stop offering my support). Here are a few things I would do:

- It seems like you're being guilted into going ahead with the wedding. Here's the thing, your FI wanst to have the wedding this year, well it can still be this year but at a different time. Maybe December? You should NOT be embarassed to inform your friends the wedding is being pushed - I'm sure EVERYONE will understand. If they dont, they have serious issues.

- If you do want to go ahead with the wedding in June, can you hold a mini-wake perhaps a day or two before the wedding? Let all your guests come and talk about FI, light candles, wear the blue pins etc and then have the wedding ceremony and reception the next day where people would like to move away from discussing your FFIL and instead, want to celebrate.

- Have a long talk with FI. Sit down with a cup of tea and TELL him how you're feeling. The reason why he's behaving all 'it's my decision' is because he thinks/feels he's mourning the most between you two, since it was his father who passed away. While that is not correct, it's a phenomena that happens frequently with the death of close family. Explain to him how much you're hurting too (and I'm sure he already knows that but just to reiterate), and to tell him that LOOKING BACK at the wedding, everyone including you two, will always look back at the wedding and your anniversary date in sadness. Not happiness. And you dont want to begin a life together with a feeling of resentment and unhappiness. Ask him if he truly want to embark in this journey feeling the way he is right now, and you not looking forward to it one bit.

It's SO important for you and FI to be on the same team. Have a talk and weigh your options. You do have options, so please please please dont be guilted into going through with the wedding. And as always, PS members are always here for you - so if you ever want to talk about anything or just vent, come back here and let us know.

And super finally, *HUG*

 

[Porridge]

I ditto everything KamaS said. Wise lady

This really sucks for you Ally, I''m so sorry. What a cr@ppy time. Sending big hugs and loads of support.

 

[FrekeChild]

 

[meresal]

Ally, what if you do all the candles and speeches about FIL at the Rehearsal Dinner... since that IS the family??

Then you could have a candle and nice saying in the program for FIL and your Grandfather, but the rest of the night can be about YOU and your FI.

Ohh, and I would have shoved that Wedding List that you FI brought home, right where it belonged.

ETA: I like the idea of doing a wake like 2 days before. However, I can already see the backlash that idea will get..."What? Ohh, so you don't WANT your FIL to be any part of your wedding??"

 

[JSM]

Date: 4/8/2009 10:20:38 AM
Author: kama_s



- If you do want to go ahead with the wedding in June, can you hold a mini-wake perhaps a day or two before the wedding? Let all your guests come and talk about FI, light candles, wear the blue pins etc and then have the wedding ceremony and reception the next day where people would like to move away from discussing your FFIL and instead, want to celebrate.

Everything kama_s said was brilliant, but I really like this idea. I think this would give his family time together to mourn and commemorate your FIL, but afterward, give everyone (especially YOU) a time to celebrate your marriage.

Good luck to you, I can''t believe all you''ve been through.

 

[allycat0303]

Kama_s: It just seems like ouvertures are not welcome at this moment. He's totally closed off. At numerous times last night he I said "We have to talk" and he said "There's nothing to talk about" Really firm, which is not like him at all. I want to believe it's grief, but it's a bit late for him to be manifesting this now (FIL passed away on February 14th). In all fairness, initally when FIL got sick, we decided (with lots of input from family) that we would go ahead with the wedding regardless. I overestimated my coping abilities, and I think, a lot of bad stuff happened ontop of all of that. So I am to blame for this. I think a mini-wake is a good idea. My only concern is, will it be precieved as me telling them how to grieve? I don't want to be a bridezilla, but I would rather if the wedding had a little less of a funeral feel. Although I do say this optimistically because my fiance has not disagreed with anything his family suggested, au contraire, he likes all of the ideas. I don't want to be all *me, me, me* And if we do have a mini-wake the day before the wedding, I think they'll still want details of the wedding to be the same.

Nugget: I did find his behavior really hurtful. And I don't know what FIL would think. We really loved each other though. I think he would have wanted me to be happy because he spoiled me rotten when he was alive. He was always willing to do silly things for me. But at the same time, he was a very traditional man. I don't know if he would want me to wear black, but in all fairness, family-in-law wanted me to wear a big black bow (and not the whole dress) as assumed. My dress has an ivory bow at the moment, so the discussion was to have one made that was black.

lliang_chi: I don't know if it's just a funk. Or something else. Last night I was up all night wondering if this was like a *red flag* moment. He's always had a lot of respect for what I do. I feel like most of my worth comes from there, and having lost that, I wonder if he no longer respects me as a person. To just say, "My decision, end of story" made me feel very powerless. It doesn't seem like he would have the guts to say that to me before. And moreover, I wouldn't let him get away with words like that. jsm: I can't believe it either. I think it's some kind of freakin, cosmic joke. Like what the HELL??? Sorry for the strong langage, but I feel like there's testing you, but this is *EXCESSIVE*.

hawaiianorangetree, Clairitek Support counts for everything when you feel like you are completely alone.

meresal: Every other day I would have done the same. But honestly, I can't describe to you the really cold feeling I got last night. Even when I screamed at him, he just looked at me really mean and said "There's nothing to discuss" and he LEFT. Walked out the door. Usually I scream, he gets angry, whatever, we work it out. He's never just walked out on me. Oh my gosh, I am getting so mad as I go through it in my head.

ETA: You know, I feel like the universe is being really bad to me, but I was talking to this girl I know, and I feel bad complaining.
a) She is brilliant. Wants to be a plastic surgeon. Did WAAAY more then me to get into plastic surgery.
b) Went to 12 interviews all over Canada
c) Rejected by all 12
d) Second round, applied to 7 programs. NO ONE interviewed her. (Not even family medicine, and this girl is DRIVEN)
e) I found out that in the past 2 years, her mother passed away from breast cancer, and her father was institutionalized for early onset alzhiemers. And 4
days before the match results came out, her boyfriend of 6 years dumped her for another girl. She has been going through that alone.

When she told me this, I looked at her and said, "You're right, I should not be complaining."

 

[meresal]

They want you to wear black?? I'm sorry but this is going a bit too far... Everyone is allowed to grieve in their own way, and they are forcing you to grieve in ways you are not comfortable with. What does YOUR family say? Have you spoken with them?

Ally, all I am going to say is this... It's called a women's intuition for a reason. I know what you mean by the cold feeling. When there is no longer love in your SO's eyes and words, it really seems that there is no reason to fight. I would have conceided as well.

What did he say when he came back?

ETA: My FI has only walked out on one arguement that we had, and it will never happen again. He left for 2 hours and then came home with dinner, and we sat and talked. He apologized, I apologized, and it was done. It happened when we were still just BF/GF, but living together. What worries me is not just the pressure you are getting from your FI, but the pressure you are getting from the family. This sounds like something that could carry some very lasting effewcts if you don't agree with everything they want.
I'm so sorry you're going thru this.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I agree with the others. You need to do what feels best for you. There is no point in having a wedding if everyone is sad and depressed and in mourning. Maybe you and FI could elope and have a private ceremony with immediate family in a few months after everyone is feeling a bit better. I don''t know the details to your story but honestly, the wedding should be about the celebration of the two of you. I am very sorry this had to happen to the both of you right now. Maybe you will really start to feel better in the next few months though. When did he pass away?

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 4/8/2009 8:58:01 AM
Author: allycat0303
You gals are sweet. I don''t feel like I can tell them not to mourn. I''m mourning too. You can''t say to someone, ''Well I know you buried your father, husband, brother) 4 months ago, and I think this wedding should be more about THE COUPLE.'' Actually fiance is on board with all of this. But for me, it''s the equivalent of having a ceremony in the middle of a wake, minus the casket. There''s been discussion of having the bridal party wear something prominently black to show respect as well. Me included, and when I said I thought it wasn''t a great idea, my fiance and his family were kind of mad at me (i.e there was tension at the table).


Last night, I was wondering if he even wanted to marry me for the right reasons, ya know? It seems like he is really into making this wedding about his Dad, and his wishes. He''s shown zero intrest in anything that hasn''t been geared at commemortaing his Dad. And there''s been a lot fo hurtful things said. Like, ''I didn''t ask your opinon, I''m going to do whatever I want'' That was last night because he''s added about 20 or so his Dad''s cousins which I''ve never met...and we had both agreed it would be a small wedding. He says they came to pay their respects at the wake so we were inviting them. I asked him if we could talk about it, and he said ''It''s not even a discussion. This is what I''m doing.''...which ok, but until the wake, he didn''t know these people. He was actually introduced because he didn''t know THEIR NAMES. Added to it, that I was limited to inviting 5 guests. I have five friends coming to the wedding. That''s it. We decided on a limited wedding, so I don''t really get why we have to invite people that the family has seen 1 in 13 years!


It never used to be like this between us. I feel like I no longer have any power. This might sound strange, but I wondered last night if maybe it''s because I didn''t get into residency? Like he knows he''s going to be the primary bread-earner again and views that I have no value, and can''t say ''No'' because I''m going to be dependent on him? Or maybe I''m projecting, but last night, I felt like he was acting like a stranger. He never TELLS me to do anything. EVER. And we''ve been together for 13 years, so I KNOW HIM. And worst, the whole conversation he had this closed off, resolute, *I don''t give a S&^% about what you think because you are replaceable* vibe. Which I''ve never had from him before either. I keep trying to chalk it up to a bad day, but this morning I woke up still thinking about it.

It''s really not fair that he is treating you this way. Sounds to me like he is still mourning the loss of his father and because he feels out of control, he is trying to control you. You are a safe way for him to vent his frustrations. Would you guys consider couple''s counseling?

 

[allycat0303]

Meresal: No they just want the bow to be black (you know the whole satin bow). You hit the nail on the head with the woman's intuition. I just felt it. He didn't give a damn. I felt like if I pushed it he would have said "I don't love you anymore", or "I don't want to marry you" I conceeded because I was afraid. When he got home, it wasn't better.

He came home from the gym, and put the list of address on the table and told me to address the invitations. (For the people we hadn't invited). I kind of wanted to talk about it. And he told me to do it (again in that cold way). So I addressed the invitations. He played playstation. Then I don't know, the internet was a bit slow, and he was yelling at me to fix it. And I spent the night trying but it was like WTF? Why is he yelling at me about this? I didn't do anything to the internet! And I am NOT a techno geek. He's an engineer! He could have figured it out. I didn't say anything. Kept my mouth shut and did everything I know how to do to try and fix the net. He went to bed, and I was freaking out because I couldn't fix the net. It was like the middle of the night when I *think I figured it out* that we have spyware of virus that is not being detected by Norton/Windows defender.

This morning he left early (6:00 am) He woke me up and asked if I had fixed it, I said no, and then he told me to back the files up on the computer and left. That's it. He was pretty detached, which is not like us. Usually he calls me on the way to work, and sends me a zillion text messages during the day. He always calls at lunch too to ask if I ate anything, and again when he heads home. It's like clockwork. Even when he's mad at me, he'll call/text. Today, NOTHING.

I think this post isn't coherent. I'm just trying to figure out what happened. I don't understand. I know I screamed at him, but really, I've done A LOT worst then scream at him in the past. And it's NEVER like this.

ilovethiswebsite: He passed on February 14 th 2009. So it's not a new, recent event. It was shocking to all of us because we never expected it to happen so soon, but right after, I thought we were doing ok. I would say I was actually the one that handled it the worst for a variety of reasons (which I won't go into). He was really strong. He was sad, cried etc., but he was there for me (and not the other way around, like it should have been).

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh gosh Ally, I don''t know what to say. I feel so bad for you. Big hugs. I think you''ve gotten lots of great advice. Do what is best for YOU....

 

[musey]

Oh Ally

This is all terribly unfair. I am so sorry. Your wedding should be a happy time - not just the event itself, but the memory of it as well. If they have their way, you'll look back at your wedding photos with all the mourning elements and all you'll remember is the sorrow of that loss - and it will eclipse the joy that should surround a wedding day. IMHO.

I don't even know what to say.

 

[E B]

Oh, Ally, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this on top of everything else.

My husband is very passive, and I've always found that if I need to talk to him about something, I make sure it happens. I will not accept "there's nothing to talk about" as an answer. You're just as important a part of your relationship as he is, and while he's no doubt hurting, you shouldn't be left in silence with so many questions. You're questioning whether or not he still wants to marry you, or is in love with you, and that isn't fair to you. Is your wedding still planned for this June? If so, the two of you need to talk now.

I've been around these parts for a while, and I've witnessed your wedding planning struggles throughout the past couple of years. Bottom line: you deserve (especially after all you've been through) to have the wedding you and your future husband want, as soon as the two of you are on the same page. I understand pressure from family, but at some point, enough is enough. Your wedding should be an event to celebrate the love between you and your fiance, not an excuse to gather and mourn. If I were you, I'd put my foot down, as hard as it may be. Let them know what you feel comfortable including in your ceremony and reception. By doing this, you are not telling your family how they may or may not mourn, so please don't feel that way. You're just asking that for a single day, they celebrate YOUR life, your husband's, and this joyous occasion.

You are an intelligent, kind-hearted woman who deserves the wedding she's always wanted. Lay down the law in a reasonable manner. If your/his family won't comply, I'd consider eloping. Put yourself and your fiance first.

 

[FrekeChild]

Ok. I know a lot of what your FI is going through. I''m going through the same thing.

However, I''m not being a total controlling @$$hole.

I lost my mom December 4th. I was engaged December 19th. The wedding is planned for January 9th, 2010.

The details that include my mom?
--my dress is off the rack. Hers was too.
--her dress was empire waisted. Mine is too.
--I showed her some pics of dresses I liked a few months before she passed, and she picked a Badgley Mischka dress. So I''m wearing a BM dress.
--I am going to have 2 long stem white roses placed on the empty seats that my mom and FI''s mom (she died in 2005) would have occupied.
--my dad is having an engagement party in September and inviting her friends (most of whom I''ve never heard of.)

First and foremost it''s a wedding. It is NOT a wake. And it''s not unreasonable to say, "It''s a wedding, and you''re turning it into a second memorial service". Because that''s what they are doing.

Honey, they are walking all over you. Your FI is treating you like a doormat over this. I know they are grieving. I know what that feels like. But I also know that my mom would NEVER want my wedding to be all about her. NEVER. It will be sad enough on that day realizing how badly she wanted to be there, and how badly I wanted her to be there, and knowing that she won''t be. But dwelling on it and making that day about him? He wouldn''t want that either.

My dad is the one who hasn''t been handling it as well as I have. And it''s caused him to lash out in emotional ways instead of rational ones. He is insisting on inviting my brothers and their families. Not really a huge deal ordinarily, but I don''t talk to my brothers. They don''t call me on my birthday, send a card, they don''t call me for anything actually. I don''t talk to them. If my mom was still here, she''d tell him to stuff it, and that they are my brothers in title only. And I wouldn''t really care except that a) I don''t want them there, and b) the guest list is 25 before they get invited, and with them it goes up to 36. But he wants them there because he doesn''t have my mom. Understandable, but goes completely against what I want. That is still up in the air, but I''m standing my ground.

I would say you have some serious thinking to do. Because of all of this, I would postpone it. Maybe reschedule for later in the year. But they are treating you like poo.

I am just so so so so mad for you. You don''t need this BS. You''ve been through enough in the past year.

 

[decodelighted]

"I''m hurting too ... and I will not allow you to speak to me that way. Not now. Not ever." Girlie, you have to push back on this power struggle. If the dynamics have changed, you need to find out BEFORE THE WEDDING.

Would you want to marry someone who actually *has* lost respect for you? There are a million men out there that would treat you with the kindness you deserve. Maybe this has overcooked. Maybe he''s changed. Maybe grief is widening fractures that have always been there.

"I refuse to plan a wedding when I don''t even know if I want to marry you anymore." That''ll open a discussion.

 

[lliang_chi]

ugh!! I think it's time for you to call a Time Out and get down and dirty about all the sh*t that's flying around right now. You said it, he does NOT act/behave/treat you this way. He might not be aware of this person that he's become. HE needs to figure out what's going on in his head so he doesn't stay this way. I'm no a shrink or counselor or whatever but he really needs to talk to someone trained in this to get through all this stuff in his head. Do you know anyone from your med school that he can talk to? Or a religious figure (priest whatever)?

You also need to figure yourself out as well. It seems like you've lost a lot of your self-esteem and worth. You were talking about that plastics girl, you know and you said "I shouldn't be complaining." It's not that. It's you BOTH should complain. Sometimes life gives you the sh*tty end of the stick, you both have every right to b*tch & moan about it. But don't dwell on the "woe is me" stuff. That can't help you. Help each other get through this residency stuff. Talk to people (old profs, career counselors, etc), talk to each other. You've done a lot of yourself and don't let this setback define you!!!!

I also whole-heartedly agree with Freke. Also didn't they already HAVE a wake for FIL when he passed? Why are they trying to make the wedding ANOTHER wake?

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 4/8/2009 1:27:40 PM
Author: musey
Oh Ally

This is all terribly unfair. I am so sorry. Your wedding should be a happy time - not just the event itself, but the memory of it as well. If they have their way, you''ll look back at your wedding photos with all the mourning elements and all you''ll remember is the sorrow of that loss - and it will eclipse the joy that should surround a wedding day. IMHO.

I don''t even know what to say.

Ditto this exactly.

I''m all in favor of doing something subtle to remember a deceased relative. My cousin got married 4 years after my father passed away and he had a moment of silence in his memory during the reception. When the moment was over he said "Ok, now let''s party just like Tio M would." It was very sweet, got the point across, and we all remember it as a kick a$$ party.

I hope you can get this situation resolved because it really isn''t fair.

 

[choro72]

I don''t know what to say except **hugs**.

 

[choro72]

You know, this is why Japanese have an official mourning period of one year. During one year from the death of a loved one, you aren''t allowed to have any celebrations; no Christmas cards, no Happy New Year, no happy birthday. I''ve always thought that this was too extreme, but now I understand. It''s because some people get confused with these two.
When my uncle was killed by a bus accident, we were wondering if my cousin was going to go through with her wedding which was 9 months away. She did, and it was beautiful. Everybody was smiling, happy, with her father in the back of their minds but not clouding the occasion.

What baffles me the most is the way your FI is treating you. I''m sure HG is a great guy, and I don''t want to speak ill of him. But his attitude makes me want to *shake him*, to put it mildly. Sure he''s grieving, yada yada, but I know people who have lost loved ones, and they do NOT treat their better halves like this.

 

[luvinlife]

Ally, not trying to thread jack, but I feel that we are sort of in similar situations. My brother and only sibling passed away last March unexpectedly. As you can imagine, my mom is devastated and I am too. However I believe that I am coming to terms with my sense of loss a lot faster. While I understand my mom doesn’t want to forget my brother, she has basically put a damper on what should have been many happy experiences from me by completely breaking down and saying very inappropriate things. I am very nervous for my wedding day. This will be the first time since the funeral that my mom will see everyone again. I am hoping and praying that she can hold herself together enough to be happy on my special day.
I wish you luck as your loss is very recent. I don’t have advice, but wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you.

 

[NuggetBrain]

Even a black bow...if the bride is not comfortable with that, they need to let it go. And to be honest, I would be totally wierded out by the bride wearing a black bow not because she found it fashionable and attractive, but because she was mourning her FIL. It would depress me. Seriously. Everytime I looked at that bow, I would get depressed.

My grandfather passed away December 6th. Since he was my father figure it was a big blow, and I was horribly upset. My grandmother would have NEVER asked for me to do what your FI and his family is asking. Neither would my mother. In fact, they would have been appalled at my turning the wedding into a wake for Bop-Pop. And he would have been yelling at me from his cloud up there too. I'm going to have a white rose in my bouquet, and I'm tying his wedding ring around it so I can feel he's there with me. And I'm going to bawl like a baby when I see myself in my dress right before the wedding, because I'm going to miss him and wish that he was there to walk me down the aisle. But then I'm going to go and celebrate the beginning of my new life, and feel blessed to be surrounded by those that love me even if they are only there in spirit.

Your FI's behavior is completely not acceptable. You REALLY need to have a talk with him - if he's not willing to do some pre-martial counceling, you need to let him know that you are uncomfortable with the way that his family is bogarting this wedding. Tell him that you want to get married, but not under these circumstances. And if he continues to act cold and demeaning, then he will continue to make you question the wisdom of marrying a man who is capable of treating the woman he supposedly loves most in the world like a damn doormat. You are too good for that kind of crap.

I'd also like to add your mom and grandma aren't helping - it sounds like they're more concerned with what it's going to look like to other people than your happiness. You need to sit them down and really talk to them about it, and let them know you would hope they'd be more concerned with wanting you to have a happy, special and beautiful day rather than doing something "embarassing" or making up for missing our on your residency. Because if you need to push back with the FI and his family you're going to need to know that they have your back in this.

 

[littlemissbliss]

ally: my goodness, you are having a hard time, girl, and it is really unfortunate. i just have a couple things i want to say, and forgive me if someone else has already said them.

you are your FI''s equal. period. you are half of the relationship, he is the other half. under no circumstances does he get to boss you, talk down to you, or tell you "how it''s gonna be." times are hard for BOTH of you, not just him. i am sure that he is deeply hurt, but this is no excuse for his behavior. you can not be punished for the passing of his father and you certainly can not be punished for wanting a wedding that celebrates your love and life together, rather than a wedding that mourns the loss of his father. i might be out of line saying this, but from reading all your posts, i believe that his father would be HORRIFIED if you turn your wedding into a wake or anything resembling a wake.

it is time to put your foot down. plan something very special to honor the memory of his father and make your wedding exactly what it should be -- a celebration of YOUR life together. i believe that if you do this, everyone will look back and be grateful you did. there seems to be a cloud of sadness and grief, and rightfully so, however, there is a time and place for everything -- let them grieve at a wake before the wedding, and then let them celebrate a new life together at the wedding.

i hope this works out for you. you will be in my thoughts.