Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life...

[stardust97]

Hi Ladies
I used to post under a different user name here sometimes, but my ex knew that so I am no longer using that login. I also feel like a bit of an idiot reading my old posts about him and our engagement when I look at where I am today.
I just thought I would come here for advice/stories that may make me feel a bit better. I've been pretty depressed lately and need some good stories to cheer me up. The following may be a bit long, but so you know where I am coming from.
My ex and I split up quite a few months ago. Very bad breakup after many years together. We hadnt been getting along for awhile, but I was right at the point in life where we'd said we'd start having children (32). I was planning on taking some time off work and nesting for awhile. Found out he had been cheating on me among other things for quite some time and now I am single again and working harder than ever to get back on my feet from that fiasco. I think I have dealt with the separation well enough. I have no urges to talk to him or ever see him again. Unfortunately I moved pretty quickly into a new relationship about 4 months later that was also terrible. Guy number 2 was not a cheater and I never once questioned his feelings for me. However, he had serious addictions he hid from me for the first month of our relationship, and many personal issues I couldn't tolerate after some time. He was also extrememly verbally abusive. As soon as I realized that I got the hell out of that relationship (we were together maybe 2 months). I made a pact with myself not to date anyone again for 6 months to a year. Fast forward about 3 months and I randomly found a note under my windshield wiper oneday as I was leaving a restaurant. I had a good idea of who put it there, as I had seen a rather attractive guy smiling at me as I walked into the place. He wanted to know if he could take me to dinner. I didn't call him for about a week, and then one night out of boredom I figured I would plus he had sparked my curiousity. He took me to a lovely dinner and was extremely gentlemanly but different to the type of guy I am normally attracted too. I am a city girl and he was quite the opposite. We had many differences but I did enjoy talking to him very much and we met for coffee a couple more times. Every day he would text me and tell me how different he thought I was and how much he was enjoying getting to know me. He went through a divorce a couple years ago and I could see hes still quite hurt by that, probably moreso than I am by mine. So we shared that experience. I don't know why but I had a really hard time picturing myself with him at first. Probably because he was chasing me like crazy partly and kind of my opposite. Everyone who saw him or heard my stories kept telling me to give him a chance, that he seemed so nice. I started to really enjoy all the little things he was doing for me that no one else ever has, like making me country cds, and buying me little gifts here and there. Nothing expensive, just sweet gestures. We seemed to want the same things - namely, a partner without a million issues who wasnt going to pack their bags and leave oneday. Anyway, after about a month I started to let my guard down with him and from their it progressed really fast. Like within a week I went from feeling like I had very little romantic feelings for him to feeling like I could fall really hard. At the end of that week, he told me he needed to know if I was committed to it or if he was just wasting his time, and "were we going to do this?" By this point he had me hook line and sinker, so I said I wanted that too and left feeling like I was on top of the world. The next night I get a text from him saying "I'm playing 20 questions with myself." I asked him what he meant and he said "oh nothing really" but my guards were up immediately. The next day he sent me more texts about his depression issues he hadnt yet shared with me. I was at first really understanding but then I got the feeling he was trying to push me away, and when I asked he said "I just dont know if I am stable enough for a healthy relationship." At that point I just left him alone. I didnt respond. The next day he sent me a series of texts about how he couldnt believe he'd made something so wonderful nose-dive, and could I ever have faith in him again. I asked him if he wanted out and he said no. But then I didn't see him again all week and there hasnt been a day in the last 6 weeks where I haven't had him wanting to bring me coffee to my work, or something like that. Finally on thursday he sent me some texts about how he thought we might be incompatible bc I am a city girl and he lives for the outdoors and wants to share those experiences with a partner. I told him I had never considered myself outdoorsy, but had never had a chance to try it either, and I was just excited to do things with him no matter what they were. He didn't really reply to that, so finally today I told him to get his @$$ over here and explain to me what the hell was going on. He came over right away, sat about a mile away from me and asked me if I wanted him to be "harsh" to which I said yes I just want the truth. So he straight up told me he was no longer interested bc he has some nagging doubts that I am too similar to his ex, won't share in activities with him, and his gut was telling him to run. He doesn't want another breakup in 2 years. That wonderful secure, safe, warm feeling he'd been surrounding me with for weeks was suddenly gone and this very cold person was sitting in front of me which hurts like hell currently. So now I feel like a fool bc I truly thought he was different and I know it sounds corny but I thought he was "the one" possibly. I know I have a tnedency to jump into things too fast, I am an aquarious. I took my time initially though bc I am scared of being hurt again too, and he worked soooo hard for me. I felt liek the ball was completely in my court, and the INSTANT I returned some of the power to him he did a 180. He told me he felt like he can become attached easily to girls, and it wasn't neccassarily me, hes just like that with women. Obv I want to be special to the guy and everything he'd said about fate and not being able to think about anything but me for weeks made me think I was perhaps. So thats that...I am hurt but I'll get over it. Sometimes I get upset and I'm not even sure which of them I am upset about. At 33 I feel like my chances of marrying and having kids, which is all I've ever wanted, are growing slimmer and slimmer by the day. And every jerk I meet confirms this. And I honestly don't scare them away with it either...I am honest about it but I dont think that's ever been an issue. I am not a depressed person in general, but this is something that's really getting to me. So have any of you ladies felt like this/been in similar situations in your 30s? Did any of you find TRUE love after being let down later in life ? How did you know it was different? Because I've thought it was once or twice now myself. I'd just like to hear some of your personal stories if you care to share them.

 

[mrs jam]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

I am sending you great big hugs right now! I'm about to head out to dinner and a movie, so I only have a moment before my husband snatches my iPad away! I will come back with a lot more to write to you, but YES you will find love! And you are still a spring chicken!! I found the love of my life almost three years ago, at 36. We've been married for two. I had a string of interesting experiences after my divorce, so I was extremely gun-shy. He really had to reel me in! If you're in the mood for my history, read my post from a few years ago titled Feeling Numb or something like that. I was a wreck, and it took a very special dude to catch my interest. You WILL be ok!

 

[vintagelover229]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

HUGS.


I won't comment on your current situation but I will tell you about that my fiancees aunt didn't meet her husband (a wonderful and amazing man) until she was almost 40. She has 2 beautiful healthy and beautiful daughters and didn't have them until her early 40's. So don't lose hope and even if you can't have kids of your own, there are always options to adopt and give a good loving home to those who otherwise wouldn't have one.


My only other pieces of advice is no matter what-don't date anyone for a very long time. If a guy wants you and he thinks "you're the one" he is going to be understanding and NOT put any pressure on you and wait for you to be ready. Find yourself-find who you are and become the woman that YOU want to be. Love will find you when you least expect it but only when you are confident enough in yourself to set up self respecting boundaries. There are guys who love to lure women and mess with their heads and emotions (sometimes it's even unintentional). You need a man who respects an independent woman who knows who she is and is your partner in life and you guys better one another.

I'm not saying you are one way or another. But history shows that you are attracting dysfunctional losers (I did the same thing). I would consider what attracts you to guys and why and figure out if there is something in them that are the same and avoid that for a while.

Your learning how to be honest with yourself right now and that is a HUGE step. A step many women never get to and a very healthy one at that. You've been in dysfunctional and abusive relationships and you need to trust yourself and give yourself time to heal. Be selfish for a while and forget about love and marriage and the baby carriage.

Don't beat yourself up. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone wants to be swept off their feet and have their prince chance them down and make them feel like they are the most important woman in the world. And you will find that-just give yourself time to heal, to grow and forget about your biological clock.

Worse case you can have a baby on your own. I know that's not the norm but there are plenty of able women who work and do it on their own because they couldn't find their partner in life.

HUGS.

 

[merilenda]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

Hugs! I'm sorry you've had such negative experiences. My mom was your age (33) when she met and married my dad. I was born when she was 41. My parents were married for 35 years until he passed away last year. Keep your chin up!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

I am sending you great big hugs right now! I'm about to head out to dinner and a movie, so I only have a moment before my husband snatches my iPad away! I will come back with a lot more to write to you, but YES you will find love! And you are still a spring chicken!! I found the love of my life almost three years ago, at 36. We've been married for two. I had a string of interesting experiences after my divorce, so I was extremely gun-shy. He really had to reel me in! If you're in the mood for my history, read my post from a few years ago titled Feeling Numb or something like that. I was a wreck, and it took a very special dude to catch my interest. You WILL be ok!

 

[maplefemme]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

BIG HUGS TO YOU

I know you have been through a lot, I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time back in the dating world.
I have been through a similar situation, I found out my husband was cheating on me with someone online two days before Xmas, I never saw it coming. The next day, Xmas eve, he flew to the UK to meet a woman he met online with an engagement ring he'd charged to my CC in his pocket.
I was devastated. I also found out he'd been living a life of extra curricular luxury whilst I thought he was putting in OT, I felt a fool.
Consequently I lost everything, the house we just finished building, all our savings that he stole from the account, near $50,000. I was on the verge of bankruptcy and homelessness.
I was 35 and had similar thoughts and dating experiences to you. I just want you to know that things can and do get better! I met a great guy nearly 4 years later on eharmony, I'm now grateful for the adversity it took to put us together, I'd not change a thing. I'm back on my feet and wiser for it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it wasn't painful and challenging, it was, but I promise you, you will move on to better days and a whole new chapter in your life awaits you.

You are so young, you have lots of time to find a great guy and plan a future together.
Be kind to yourself, respect yourself, and get on your feet and find your confidence.
Listen to your gut more, not your fears or worries based on your past experiences, they are over and done with, you are now moving forward.
This guy you recently dated, he doesn't sound ready for a relationship with anyone, he has his own soul searching to do.
You speak of two extremes you have a tendency of, jumping right in and holding back protectively, perhaps try to just be in the moment more on dates, neither extreme. Know yourself, be comfortable in who you are, what you have to offer and what matters to you.
Don't make somebody a priority when they are only making you an option....

HUG

 

[monarch64]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

I remember your old username, and many of your previous posts. I remember mentioning to you once to basically woman up, decide what you want and put that out there and don't settle for less. You've been doing some settling. It's time to get over yourself, get over the past frustrations/hurt/anxieties. You feel like you're running out of time to achieve your goals of marriage and children. Well, you need to change your M.O.

My story is one of success at finding love after 30. I was married from 26 to 31. Spent a year just "dating," making new friends, re-establishing myself. I knew exactly what I wanted in a man and in a relationship after that time I spent healing, and we found each other, simple as that. We've been engaged for a year, just bought a house together a few months ago, and are planning to elope next month, reception to follow in a couple months. I'm 34. You can enjoy the same success, you just have to stop lamenting the past and focus on yourself and the future you want. Don't let the random characters in your life who aren't quite right for you from the beginning end up fizzled out relationships. Figure out what you want in a man, and then put yourself in situations where you are likely to come into contact with that kind of man. It's not that hard, I promise.

 

[pregcurious]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

Stardust, I think there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling. It has been less than a year since the breakup of your marriage. While I don't have a story about finding true love in my 30s, I knew someone who got married in her 20s and stayed in an unhappy marriage for almost her entire life, then passed away. You have a chance here at a new start. Sending you dust and hugs.

 

[stardust97]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

MrsJam, thank you for the hug. That's probably what I needed most right now. I read your old thread and...wow! Your story actually made me feel bad for complaining about my current ex (if I can even call him that). I am so happy you moved on from that relationship and found your hubby, and I would love to hear more about that. I also read MZ's post about the book she suggested you read and I probably should too (Women Who Love Too Much). I keep thinking how can I be doing something like that if I am aware of it and don't have a dyfunctional childhood, but it does resonate with me. I must be messed up all on my own lol! Even with this last relationship, I was instantly more attracted to him when he pulled away, and I've found myself losing interest in relationships before once the chase was over, so obv this is something I need to change about myself. At the end of the day I do want a stable loving home and family, now more than ever, so I both need to look for and be attracted to different things and treat my partner differently as well once I have him. I thought I was doing that this last time but it kind of blew up in my face lol

Ps...you write like me...fast and furious. I type very quickly too and all my thoughts spill out all at once on all the poor PS folk.

 

[stardust97]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

Thanks VL...I plan to do what you suggest. I wasn't wanting to date for awhile anyway. It just kind of happened. I know I still have a lot of healing to do regarding my past relationships too, mainly my fiance, and it isnt fair to bring someone else into that right now so I will try to put marriage and babies on the back burner for awhile and focus on me.

 

[stardust97]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

Hi MapleFemme,

first off...what a beautiful doggy! Is that a Dogo by any chance?

Your story is terrible and very similar to what I went through. I lost almost everything I'd worked so hard for as well. I had to get a second job to avoid bankrupcy also. That is partly why I think I was able to move on so easily. Firstly, I had to focus on work and secondly, how can you ever forgive someone for putting you through that. It wasnt even an option for me. I knew we had issues, but finding out he had a gf and a whole other life I didnt know about, on top of the fact that he and his family were supposedly broke (thats why I had given them access to so much of my savings, cc's etc) and yet had been going on trips to visit this girl etc. Nearly killed me financially and probably emotionally as well even though I try not to think about it. I can't believe anyone would charge an engagement ring for another girl to your cc !!! but obv there are scumbags like that out there. I didn't realize it at the time but I was paying his huge telephone bills every month thinking it was business related and not realizing he was calling Austria to talk to her for hours on end. So sorry you went through that too. I am so happy to hear you found your special guy and come out of the experience stronger and wiser. I know I'll get to that point eventually too.

 

[stardust97]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

Monarch, I don't recall those posts so you may be confusing me for someone else or possibly I am just forgetting exactly what I shared on here ha. I need to take your advice all the same though. Thanks for sharing your story. I would like to hope I can move on and into something healthy as fast as possible but I know I need to take my time and let things happen, and at the same time put myself out there again so they can.

 

[stardust97]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

Pregcurious and Merilenda,

thanks for your support. Your stories are very encouraging. I know I need to look at things more positively. This is a new start for me. I was tending to do that better until this recent incident brought everything back to the surface again, but I will try to get back to feeling that way

 

[tammy77]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

I was married for a little over 10 yrs to the wrong guy. I met the right guy when I was 30-31. I'm 34, almost 35 now. We've been married a little over 3 months now, ridiculously happy and planning on TTC in the next few months. It CAN happen. Good luck!

 

[mrs jam]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

MrsJam, thank you for the hug. That's probably what I needed most right now. I read your old thread and...wow! Your story actually made me feel bad for complaining about my current ex (if I can even call him that). I am so happy you moved on from that relationship and found your hubby, and I would love to hear more about that. I also read MZ's post about the book she suggested you read and I probably should too (Women Who Love Too Much). I keep thinking how can I be doing something like that if I am aware of it and don't have a dyfunctional childhood, but it does resonate with me. I must be messed up all on my own lol! Even with this last relationship, I was instantly more attracted to him when he pulled away, and I've found myself losing interest in relationships before once the chase was over, so obv this is something I need to change about myself. At the end of the day I do want a stable loving home and family, now more than ever, so I both need to look for and be attracted to different things and treat my partner differently as well once I have him. I thought I was doing that this last time but it kind of blew up in my face lol

Ps...you write like me...fast and furious. I type very quickly too and all my thoughts spill out all at once on all the poor PS folk.

That thread is so embarrassing to me, but it reveals how skewed and downright twisted my ideas were about "relationships" at that time in my life. I was simply a mess, and I attracted nothing but hot messes during that time!

Thankfully, you have your head on MUCH straighter than I did at that time. To this day, I can't figure out why I didn't run at the sign of the very first red flag. I didn't have a dysfunctional upbringing; my parents were happily married for 44 years before my mother passed away; my divorce wasn't nasty or traumatizing; there is simply no explanation for it. Like you, I was never more attracted to this person than when he was starting to pull away from me. During the blue moon phases when we actually got along, I felt my interest wane. It was just bizarre.

After that relationship ended (for the final and umpteenth time), I started dating right away, just for fun. I know that I probably should have waited and worked on my issues for awhile, but after I finally got him out of my system, it just felt so good to go out and have FUN! For the first time in my life, I was not seeking my next relationship. I signed up on Match.com and had an absolute blast. I wouldn't recommend jumping right back into the dating pool, but for me, it was the perfect antidote. It felt so good to go out and have dinner, drinks, catch a movie, share stories with people, and just laugh! It was pretty ironic that at the one time in my life that I was not looking for anything more than a fun date, I met guys who were ready to jump into a relationship. Thanks, but no thanks, were my feelings at the time. But then I met my future husband! On our first date, we talked like old friends. I never thought I would meet someone like him in my whole life. Just a good person, through and through. I could go on and on, but you would think I was the biggest cheeseball on Earth. There has never been a second of drama in our lives in the three years we have known each other.

You read my other thread, so you know where I was a few years ago. I never, ever, EVER thought I would find my soul mate. Heck, I never thought I would go a day without crying back then. So if I was able to find the love of my life even with my dysfunctional relationship history, girl, you will be just fine! Be sweet to yourself right now. Do what feels right to you. When you find the one, it's not going to be hard work, and you won't have to question and second-guess yourself constantly.

 

[JewelFreak]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

I'm so sorry for your hard experiences. That feeling of aloneness & abandonment is one of the worst, been there myself. Big hand squeeze for you!

Of course there's a right guy for you! I didn't meet DH until I was 29 -- sometimes I felt like the biggest loser; all my friends had marriages & kids already & I didn't even have a dinner date. Met DH through a group I volunteered with -- he was not like other guys I'd ever gone out with. This was a calm, comfortable relationship without the drama of previous ones. We've been married decades now. Yours will come!

I see a pattern here that gets you in trouble, though. As you mentioned, you need to slow down & get to know somebody before committing your heart. If it's real, you will not lose it by taking time. If it's not real, you'll hurt yourself over & over by rushing. Men who pursue too hard, too soon, make me wonder -- why is he so needy? Solid people, don't start a relationship in the middle. Ask the same question about yourself. You don't have to give somebody the keys to the kingdom within a month! Your gut told you that about the last one, but you didn't listen.

An advice columnist would suggest a little counseling to find out why you settle for being in love with being in love. Sometimes talking it out with an uninvolved 3rd party really helps. I don't mean to sound harsh at all -- I know just what you're going through -- but you need a way to break that pattern to find a healthy relationship.

One other idea is to get active in things that interest you, for their own sake -- there you'll meet guys you can be friends with before being lovers. Have more respect for yourself, honey -- you're a great girl who doesn't need to fill emptiness with a man. The more balanced you are inside, the more you'll attract guys who are the same. Go for it!

Maplefemme -- hugs to you too. You're a strong woman.

--- Laurie

 

[maplefemme]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

Hi MapleFemme,

first off...what a beautiful doggy! Is that a Dogo by any chance?

Your story is terrible and very similar to what I went through. I lost almost everything I'd worked so hard for as well. I had to get a second job to avoid bankrupcy also. That is partly why I think I was able to move on so easily. Firstly, I had to focus on work and secondly, how can you ever forgive someone for putting you through that. It wasnt even an option for me. I knew we had issues, but finding out he had a gf and a whole other life I didnt know about, on top of the fact that he and his family were supposedly broke (thats why I had given them access to so much of my savings, cc's etc) and yet had been going on trips to visit this girl etc. Nearly killed me financially and probably emotionally as well even though I try not to think about it. I can't believe anyone would charge an engagement ring for another girl to your cc !!! but obv there are scumbags like that out there. I didn't realize it at the time but I was paying his huge telephone bills every month thinking it was business related and not realizing he was calling Austria to talk to her for hours on end. So sorry you went through that too. I am so happy to hear you found your special guy and come out of the experience stronger and wiser. I know I'll get to that point eventually too.

Thank you, yes he's a dogo! He's a big sweetheart, loves everyone, strangers are instant family

I know that kind of deceit is hard to process and forgive. I can't say I forgave per se, something else happened; I became thankful. Thankful I had the opportunity to find better and with that came an indifference towards him, no hate, no love, no upset, all of that faded away as soon as I started to focus on what I wanted for my life and how I could achieve that in a healthy, positive way.
I know the financial struggle is a big source of stress, but you can do it. Take every opportunity you can, make them if needed.
I was a colorist at a salon for 20 years, my first thought being "how the heck do I support myself on this salary?!", so I dug in my purse to find the details on the Nursing program I'd written down and procrastinated on calling about, and called them.
I was told there was no room and over 50 people on a waiting list to enroll. I said I want to come for an interview anyway, they thought I was mad but humored me. I sat in their office for two hours interviewing, adamant in my goal.
As we shook hands goodbye she said she still had nothing to offer me but she'd call if that changed.
A week later she called, someone had dropped out, I was in. It was brutal and challenging to go to school and deal with a divorce. I never told any of my classmates what I was going through until Grad, and only then because they asked me why I had no one there. They were pretty shocked.
But school was about doing something for me, to improve my life.
You are stronger than you think, some walls are doors, believe in yourself, ask yourself what you want for your life.
It may not feel like it, but you are in the best possible position to move forward, STELLAR advice from JewelFreak on how to do so.

Thank you JewelFreak, I had my moments though. I tried to be very strong but one day in the grocery store I just sat on a pile of sugar bags and broke down in tears, so embarrassing, I just couldn't hold it together anymore.
I went home, watched The Holiday that happened to be playing and had an epiphany watching Jack Black council Kate Winslet on relationships.
It hit me...."I'm going to be fine, he wasn't the right one".
Divine inspiration comes in the most unlikely forms!

Take care of yourself, the rest will follow....

 

[stardust97]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

MrsJam, thanks for coming back and telling me more about you and your hubby. That quiet, easy, drama-free relationship you describe is what I want for myself too. I know all relationships are work to some extent, but I don't want to have to second guess myself about someone im involved with ever again.

Jewel, thanks for your very inspiring words. I definitely do have abandonment issues for God knows what reason lol. I probably will talk to a counsellor at some point. I have a very supportive family but sometimes an unbiased opinion is what is needed. PS is great for that too, and I really appreciate being able to come here and vent and have others take the time to write really heartfelt posts like yours. It's quite ironic that I wouldn't even know about this place had it not been for my engagement ring shopping lol. You're also right about taking time. I did try to do that this last time around. I think even he realized it by the end. Sometimes I feel like you might not really know a person for years, but there are def warning signs along the way. Even looking at this last guy, he told me little things early on about how he had two very different sides to him, and how he could love his wife so much and treat her so well and yet also leave her for months on end while he went away for work and not even think about it. Those aren't things I want in a man, no matter how well he treats me when we are together. I have also heard the warnings about men who come on too strong and that definitely happened here. Whether the attraction fizzled out for him as soon as I started to return it, or whether he just panicked I don't know (he says it was the latter) but at the end of the day we didn't know each other well enough for it to cause me any long lasting hurt. I think it just brought old hurts back to the surface again. I've read your post a few times, and I will read this thread when i am feeling down bc it really does help. I know I have everything in me to move on and be ok, its just getting across these little humps here and there that is hard. Thank you.

MapleFemme, I knew it was a dogo. My ex (guy #2) had a beautiful dogo also. It was harder for me to leave him than guy2 truthfully bc he attached himself to me so fast. Also, bc guy2 had so many issues, the dog spends a lot of time just lying around doing nothing. He saw me as someone fun and gentle who he could make do anything he wanted lol. I've never been on so many trips to the dog park and the lake in my life. They are a wonderful breed. I've had to part with 2 dogs I love dearly now, so one thing I know for sure is I am not getting emotionally connected to any animal again if it belongs to someone else. Congratulations on graduating from nursing! I love your expression about some walls being doors. So true, and what an accomplishment for yourself. I am actually in the process of (hopefully) starting a new career #2 myself. I work from home mainly, but my job is very stressful and not always consistent. I knew when I left my fiance that I would have to have a plan B in place so I have focused this year on getting that going. It would make a world of difference to me both financially and mentally. It would also open up many new doors for me to meet new people, and I am excited about that bc working from home can be lonely. Thank you again for taking the time to post. I am going to reread this thread whenever I am feeling down.

 

[movie zombie]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

there will be a lot of "not the right guys" and it can take time but you can have a great life and enjoy yourself anyway........and it does happen when you least expect it. i had totally accepted that i would be without a significant other the rest of my life. but i was loving my life and living it happily! of course, that was when i met mr movie zombie! oh, and i was 50 at the time. yes, you can find true love later in life

 

[Matata]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

I divorced husband #1 after 22 yrs of marriage and met husband #2 2 yrs after my divorce. I was 40. I compromised too much on too many things that were important to me in marriage #1 and I knew I wouldn't do that again. DH #2 and I broke up numerous times during a long courtship. We lived together for 3 years and things got unbalanced so I moved out. Long story short, we married 14 years after we met. The good thing about that is that we worked out all the kinks and figured out how to deal with the noncompromises on both sides.

Since you want children, the one thing I would caution you on is to not let your biological clock dictate your relationships.

 

[stardust97]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

MZ...thank you. You were one of the first people to warn me about my ex fiance many years ago, long before we ever broke up. I should have heeded your advice back then. I am so happy you found true love, and I know from reading many of your posts you have the wisdom of experience. Glad it all worked out for you

Matata, yes compromise is something I've been willing to do way too much of too. I know no relationship will ever be perfect, but the problems def need to be normal, fixable ones...not big character flaws or persoanl issues that can destroy a relationship. I dont think two different people can ever live together in perfect harmony all the time, but they both need to want the same things out of the relationship . Glad you and hubby #2 worked out the kinks!

I was reading through this thread again and I remember an incident with my ex fiance many many years ago back in university where we had had a big fight and he was packing his bags and running out the door. I knew from previous fights I prob wouldnt hear from him for weeks so I hid his shoes lol. In my ridiculous state I thought he couldnt leave if he had no shoes He bolted out the door barefoot and I watched him walk through the snow like that to get away. It makes me laugh now, but 5 years later I was still hiding his keys or something silly like that everytime we fought so he couldnt leave. I hated that feeling more than anything. I know I need to find a partner who's in it for the long haul AND who treats me wonderfully. And I need to do the same for whoever that may be down the road.

 

[Pandora II]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

I met my now husband in 2004 when I was 32 after a series of disasterous long-term relationships. At the time I was ill, living at home with my parents, no job, no house, nada and feeling like I wanted to hide from the world.

Seven years on, I am married, have a beautiful 2 year-old daughter/monster and a great life. Our relationship is happy, loving and comfortable, there are no games, no ups and downs, just enjoying life together despite the challenges thrown up by illnesses, a new baby, house moves and a 10 month long period of unemploment. I definitely struck gold.

I had taken time whilst I was ill to really evaluate where I was in life, what I wanted and to make finding a husband a priority rather than just finding someone 'fun for now'. With the help of my brother and his male friends and a bunch of books - and I am so not the self-help book type - I made a lot of choices and changes. My brother read the books too and gave me his impressions of whether they were right or wrong and his friends acted as a good focus group (stars!).

The books that really helped me:

Women Who Love Too Much - made me start looking out for myself and getting out of my 'Florence Nightingale' role.

Am I The One For You - made me really look at the things that were common to past relationships/partners, what I 'really' wanted in a partner and where my exes had scored high and low against that - the book looks fluffy and lightweight, but done seriously is an eyeopener.

The Rules - I chucked all notions of emancipated 'I can ask a man out if I want and we are equal in every way' thinking out the window. Nope, any man who wanted me was going to have to work his socks off to get me. It was really hard at first, but once I got into it, I had a great feeling of having self-respect and confidence. I wasn't going to mess about with anyone who wasn't serious.

Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others - if that is what you want then you need to make it VERY clear and expect it not hope for it.

Best of luck to you - you are definitely not out of chances. I also think that taking x months out for yourself isn't actually necessary unless YOU want to. I had lots of x months being single and had a great time and then dated yet another of those I thought I would avoid. The more important thing is to become aware of your weaknesses and what you do and don't like and what does and doesn't attract you to a guy.

Above all, listen to your inner feelings - if you have doubts then get out asap. When I met my husband that x factor was there - and he wasn't the tallest, richest, most handsome or whatever (he was the cleverest actually) guy that I had dated - and I had no doubts whatsoever that he was the right person to date. Didn't stop me doing The Rules and making him chase me - nearly killed me doing it - and I would have walked away if any red flags had come along, luckily they didn't and here we are today.

 

[movie zombie]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

another vote for this book: WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH. i was in my 40's when i found it and twice divorced. helped a lot. can't recommend it enough.

star, i'm sorry i ended up being right about the ex-fiance. yes, the school of life has taught me a lot and i will admit to having taken some wrong paths and hitting some bumps that would have been better to have gone around or avoided altogether. but, hey, life is too short not to learn from it and move on! in some instances, it took me years to get into a "spot" and it took me years to get out of that "spot"...... at the end of the day, though, all of it made me who i am today and i can live with that....... what ended up being the most important thing for me was being honest with myself and understanding why i made certain choices......only then could i make the choices that would have me leading the life i wanted.

life really is an exciting journey and it really is to be lived and enjoyed....even the downs because w/o those downs how would you know you had any "highs"? you get out of it what you put into it. i think you're at that point to go out and make a life for yourself: enjoy!

 

[MissStepcut]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

The biggest mistake I see women who want serious relationships (but aren't getting them) making is not being demanding enough. It's a bit paradoxical to say, "since men aren't giving me what I want when I ask for a little, I am going to demand even more from the next man." But I think that's exactly what you have to do.

FIRST: Stop focusing on being low-maintenance and easy to date. Start focusing on making your wants clear and being vocal about them. Don't demand fidelity, demand everything. Demand attention, demand that your needs come first, demand to be spoiled. At the beginning of a new relationship, don't show him how much you can give (though I am sure you're willing to give plenty), just demand that he show you how much he is willing to do for you.

If they are "scared off," good riddance! All that will be left is the men who really want to do right by you. In my experience, the sorts of men who are looking for serious relationships are also looking for women who will demand a lot from them, and will really only give it if it's expected.

If you can't be demanding like that, and if you can't say, "hey, I am not going to settle for a man who doesn't spoil me and give me positive attention and treat me well," you might not be ready for a relationship at all.

 

[Porridge]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

We're all idiots when we're young. I would take the fact that you're past the 30 mark as a positive, you are far better placed to know and therefore find what you are looking for.*

That said, 33 is still young in my eyes! There's no rush, no good age, it happens when it happens. Everything will be ok


*DISCLAIMER: That is NOT to say that finding love when you're young is a bad thing, or that nobody below 30 knows what they want, and I am certainly not actually calling anyone an idiot (except perhaps my early-20's self)

 

[maplefemme]

Re: Ladies who found true love in their 30s or later in life

MrsJam, thanks for coming back and telling me more about you and your hubby. That quiet, easy, drama-free relationship you describe is what I want for myself too. I know all relationships are work to some extent, but I don't want to have to second guess myself about someone im involved with ever again.

Jewel, thanks for your very inspiring words. I definitely do have abandonment issues for God knows what reason lol. I probably will talk to a counsellor at some point. I have a very supportive family but sometimes an unbiased opinion is what is needed. PS is great for that too, and I really appreciate being able to come here and vent and have others take the time to write really heartfelt posts like yours. It's quite ironic that I wouldn't even know about this place had it not been for my engagement ring shopping lol. You're also right about taking time. I did try to do that this last time around. I think even he realized it by the end. Sometimes I feel like you might not really know a person for years, but there are def warning signs along the way. Even looking at this last guy, he told me little things early on about how he had two very different sides to him, and how he could love his wife so much and treat her so well and yet also leave her for months on end while he went away for work and not even think about it. Those aren't things I want in a man, no matter how well he treats me when we are together. I have also heard the warnings about men who come on too strong and that definitely happened here. Whether the attraction fizzled out for him as soon as I started to return it, or whether he just panicked I don't know (he says it was the latter) but at the end of the day we didn't know each other well enough for it to cause me any long lasting hurt. I think it just brought old hurts back to the surface again. I've read your post a few times, and I will read this thread when i am feeling down bc it really does help. I know I have everything in me to move on and be ok, its just getting across these little humps here and there that is hard. Thank you.

MapleFemme, I knew it was a dogo. My ex (guy #2) had a beautiful dogo also. It was harder for me to leave him than guy2 truthfully bc he attached himself to me so fast. Also, bc guy2 had so many issues, the dog spends a lot of time just lying around doing nothing. He saw me as someone fun and gentle who he could make do anything he wanted lol. I've never been on so many trips to the dog park and the lake in my life. They are a wonderful breed. I've had to part with 2 dogs I love dearly now, so one thing I know for sure is I am not getting emotionally connected to any animal again if it belongs to someone else. Congratulations on graduating from nursing! I love your expression about some walls being doors. So true, and what an accomplishment for yourself. I am actually in the process of (hopefully) starting a new career #2 myself. I work from home mainly, but my job is very stressful and not always consistent. I knew when I left my fiance that I would have to have a plan B in place so I have focused this year on getting that going. It would make a world of difference to me both financially and mentally. It would also open up many new doors for me to meet new people, and I am excited about that bc working from home can be lonely. Thank you again for taking the time to post. I am going to reread this thread whenever I am feeling down.

Yes, dogos need an active owner in order to stay balanced, they don't do so well in homes that don't have the time for them. I volunteer in dogo rescue and we get a lot of 1 year olds come through, people can't handle them if they haven't/don't put the work in and that's an age where the dog will test an owner.
They can be master manipulators if they feel they can...
I'm sure your ex's dogo misses you too!
Good luck on career #2, good for you! It'll be great to get out of the house and work around other people, we are social creatures!
Best of luck to you