Last Name Change

[brazen_irish_hussy]

This is just a little rant of something that is bothering me.
Background: Most of the women in my life kept their last names when they got married and I fully intend to do the same. My name has always been good enough me before and I don''t think I will be any less proud of my heritage when I get married. Actually, my FI was seriously considering changing his name to mine.
Anyway, when I was at work today one of my friends was telling me that I should talk to IT now about getting my username changed in the system becuase it takes forever. When I asked what she was talking about, she said when I change my name after I get married. I told her I wans''t changing my name, I love my name. She and all the other women around seemed to get really uncomfortable. The reaction was akin to my saying I was bring a lover to the wedding! When they heard me talking to my FI about problems he is having at work later, they treated me like it was my fault.
I have never had this happen since I most of the women I know are like me, is it usually this bad? Is there a solution? Has this happened to anyone else? I certainly don''t think they are wrong for changing their names, it just isn''t what I wanted for myself.

 

[Independent Gal]

I don''t know what to tell you, except that I''d be livid. What business is it of theirs? Geez.

I''m keeping my name too, for the same reasons. I understand why changing a name might feel right for some women and I totally respect that choice. But for me, not a chance. My name is my name. And so it shall remain.

 

[karasue91]

ugh how ridiculous. i''m changing mine but lots of FI''s aunts/cousins kept their name, which is great for them, just not for me.

ignore them, it doesn''t sound like they are friends of yours anyways, and clearly there is a reason for that.

 

[Gypsy]

Ignore them. They''re just nutso. Do whatever works for you, and no worries about the crazy women.

 

[tenfour]

an irish last name would look ridiculous beside an obviously eastern euro. keeping my name!!
i say let the coworkers get out of sorts. if they care to stick their nose in something so trivial, you know they will have moved onto another silly something to chit-chat about by the time i push ''submit'' on this reply.

 

[iheartscience]

Yeah, don''t worry about it...some people get very defensive when people don''t just go along with tradition unquestioningly. I am also not taking my fiance''s last name, and the thought that I would never even crossed my mind.

 

[Amandine]

I think I may hyphenate, but have only discussed this with FF. I kind of dread bringing it up with my (and his) family. But...I like my name, its all I have ever known! And besides all of that, I am the last to have this name for my family. I don''t want to see it die out.

 

[neatfreak]

Some people have issues with people who do their own thing and don''t blindly follow the masses. Just ignore them and do what is right for YOU whatever that may be!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I got much the same reaction, and it made me equally angry! The whole concept of name change on marriage offends me deeply, but I don''t say that to colleagues who change their names. I''m polite. I don''t comment. If you can''t say something nice etc. Entirely up to them. Makes me wonder why the same courtesy can''t be extended to my own choice.

If it''s any consolation, they''ll probably get over it quickly once they''re used to the idea. The thing that makes me see red mist now is people who know perfectly well what my name is but call me by my husband''s name anyway on letters etc. What would motivate someone to do that?

 

[bee*]

That would be so irritating-what business is it of theirs what you do with your last name. Don''t let them bother you. I''m going to change mine. I''ve thought about it for ages but I''ve decided that I will. Seriously, don''t mind those colleagues. Do what you''re happy with.

 

[hazel_eyes]

I feel your frustrations. Seriously though, i know it''s difficult, but try and block these people out. It''s up to no-one but yourself whether you take on your husbands name and it''s very old fashioned of your colleagues to be presumptuous in this matter.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Thank you all.
I think part of what got me is that I felt completely blindsighted. I had no idea it would prvoke that kind of reaction and I was suddenly afraid that was how everyone outside my family was going to react. They are not close friends and I do hope they get over it but as always, you ladies have made me feel much better.

 

[sumbride]

This is one of those situations where people are going to have a problem with whichever choice you make! Seriously! I DID change my name and people are asking me "WHY??" and "Don''t you realize you didn''t have to do that??" and telling me how they could never have done such a thing! Well, it was MY choice, and I did it, so there. But if I hadn''t changed it, I''d be in the boat you''re in... "WHY???" and "Do you not love him?" and "I could never do that!!"

so, either way, expect to be criticized for your choice, whicheever choice you make! They''ll get used to it eventually.


I was at a neighborhood meeting last night and my husband was running for office. He mentioned me in his speech as his wife and at the end of the meeting one of the little old ladies came up to me and said "Did you just get married?" and I said yes, expecting congratulations. What I got instead was "My boyfriend wants to get married... we''ve been living together for 20 years, so I guess we should... but... you don''t have to change your name these days, right? It''s not something you HAVE to do, right?" I said "No, you certainly don''t!" And she told me she''d been avoiding marrying because she didn''t want to change her name, that it was too much hassle. I reassured her that she could get married and keep her name, and that it would be easier because I was still trying to get through all the paperwork. It was, well, weird. But I hope I helped her boyfriend''s case for marriage! We''ll see.

 

[Independent Gal]

Names are such interesting things. For some people, they''re potent markers of identity, and that can mean EITHER that they guard their name with their life (like me) OR that they love the idea of a new ''shared identity'' with their new family. Other people seem unbothered by it. My only friend who changed her name basically told me that she felt no attachment to her last name, and that it was just a hassle (think many consonants, impossible to pronounce, eastern european).

The point is, for some people, names matter, and for some they don''t. And even if they matter, the way in which they matter varies. I think the only bad reason to change your name is that it will be ''easier'' for everyone else. It always worries me when people say that because it implies that something so potentially fundamental to your identity should be subservient to what''s ''easy'' for others, while making it ''harder'' on you. But then I think, unless a person really just doesn''t care. In which case, whatever!

Thank heavens we live in a world of choice. Let''s each make our own and not judge others''. But let''s make our own based on what matters or doesn''t matter to US in OUR OWN hearts, not what others want or expect from us or what would make things a little easier for them.

 

[Delster]

Wow brazen_irish_hussy I''m so sorry your co-workers were so ignorant! That''s just not on

I''m so glad this is a choice I don''t have to make as I would find it difficult. Over here, a name acquires legal recognition by usage, so it is perfectly acceptable to use both names. A lot of women here choose to keep their maiden name for work purposes, and use their ''married name'' socially and in their private affairs. Both will be legally recognised by the government, banks etc.

 

[nytemist]

I''m so sorry for you! Too rude for words. Some people really get into a twist over this. My mother of all people kind of flipped out when right before the wedding she suggested when to do name changing paperwork and I said I''m not changing it. She went on the rant about how I will always be a (myfamilyname) but now we are creating our own new family unit and should share the same name, blah, blah, blah. I said Ma, I''ve had this name for 35 years, I like it, I''m keeping it. Besides, my first name does not sound right with his last name. Plus, my husband did not care. His mom thought it was great- since she grew up in a Irish Catholic family and that was what you did, or you faced a lot of ridicule.

One friend of mine reacted a little shocked as well. Also from a Catholic family, she tried to convince me that if I didn''t share my husband''s name, that I wasn''t acknowledging that I was married and! She also said any marriage not taking place in the church wasn''t official, but that''s a whole other issue. Sometimes she will send me mail addressed to Mrs. Hislastname. Her reason? "It''s just easier to write."

You do what works for you and your husband. You are not getting married for other people. If you want to keep your name, keep it. There is no rule saying you have to change it. Most think it''s just what you''re supposed to do, so they are a litte surprised when a new wife doesn''t. I don''t run around critizing others when they get married and change their name, don''t do it to me. We still get the looks of confusion when we do something together that needs names and they see that mine is different. At that bank once, when opening a CD account, the guy looked at the names and said, "roommates?" No, husband and wife!

 

[scm1012]

Yikes...sorry about that. Just ignore them. People can be so opinionated when it comes to this kind of stuff. I am keeping my last name but hyphenating with my new last name...and not even making a big deal about using it everywhere. If people can''t handle that -- not my problem.

 

[musey]

Good grief

These ladies need to get up off their high horses. It's JUST a name, you can do with it what you choose!

I'm changing mine, mostly because my last name is THE most boring and non-specific name in the ENTIRE world. If I already had a good one, I don't know what I'd do. That would be a difficult decision. Good thing my uber-lame current last name made it easy on me!

 

[surfgirl]

Well, I suppose Lesson #1 is dont give the office harpies more info that you have to.

And Lesson #2 is, don''t talk to your FI within earshot of the office harpies anymore!

I didn''t change my name either. I was rather surprised that my sister, who also didn''t change her name until recently, suggested that I should do so because it just "makes things easier". Whatever. I admit that I do get a little thrill when we get mail addressed to "Mr.& Mrs.Surfgirl" - I dont mind at all. But I dont go by his name. No biggie.

 

[Dutchgirlll]

I totally love my own name lol. No way anybody could try to even talk me into changing it

Here it''s kinda unusual too, to keep your own name. In the Netherlands you have 3 options to change your name: just his name, his name-your name or your name-his name.

Actually, we already discussed that our future children will receive my last name. Just because it''s much prettier

(and I know my FPIL real don''t like that... )

 

[tberube]

I hate it when people choose to look down at you because you've made a choice that differs from theirs. I get it all the time, if I mention personal decisions like not wanting kids, buying a home in a different state, having my wedding someplace other than a Catholic church, and several other things.

Lots and lots of people are judgmental and insecure.

So what can you do? Ignore it and try your best to develop a thick skin, because people are not going to change and next month it will be something else about you that they don't particularly like.

ETA: and just for the record, I'm changing my name because my current one is imPOSSIBLE to pronounce if you aren't of French-Canadian descent and because FI's name rocks.

 

[UCLABelle]

I have the same problem, except that instead of co-workers, it is family who don''t know why I am reluctant to give up my name....

I decided on using both.

 

[mjso]

This came up with FI and I a couple of days before this post. He mentioned something about my new name being "Myfirstname Hislastname" and I said "Who says I''m changing my name?" I can''t even describe the shock in his face. I don''t necessarily have anything against his last name (although together with my first name, it is quite similar to a celebrity I''d rather not be associated with) but I am really attached to my last name.

A few years ago FMIL suggested he should take my last name because she likes it better, lol. I haven''t decided yet, but most likely I''ll probably change my name, mainly because I know I want children and I''d rather avoid the whole "are you stil married? why do they have a different last name from you? etc" questions.

 

[Octavia]

I''m sorry you had such a rude response, Brazen. I''ve seen it go both ways -- people looking down on women who don''t change their name, and people looking down on those who do. I see it as just a choice like any other (do I take this job? do we buy this house or that one? etc). I plan on keeping my name, though I''ll probably answer to "Mrs. Hisname" if someone calls me that without realizing that I''m actually still "Ms. Myname."

One of the first things FI told me is that he''d be honored if I change my name but there''s no pressure. I know that he''d be thrilled if I did, but I don''t really want to and his name is impossible to pronounce. To be fair, though, mine isn''t too much easier. Hyphenating is out because it would produce a last name 22 characters long. Even though I lean toward keeping my name, I think I''m going to wait until a little while after the wedding to actually make a decision. If that happens, I''d probably go by my name professionally and legally, and his name socially. We''ll see.

The only person who has given me a hard time about planning to keep my last name is my mother. My dad, on the other hand, is over the moon at the idea.

 

[swimmer]

Dear Brazen,
Stupid people are such a drag and its awful, but we all waste brainspace on them + their giggly friends.

So your timing in posting was perfect for me. My fiance and I are torn by other peoples'' reactions to our thinking we would combine our last names into a non-hyphenated new name. Details changed, but we were thinking we will be Mr. and Mrs. Zimmerglick. This has created mass hysteria in our families, friends, etc. Both names are short, it will make sense in German, (which is weird since we are both Israeli), and now we are totally doubting our decision. My mom in particular (a total liberal) is freaking and says that we can''t do something so insane; we could never move away from Cambridge, MA.

I don''t think that the rest of the country would be that horrified by our making a new name...would they even know? What is difficult about changing a name and how did you decide (hm, this is sort of a threadjack, but might be useful to Ms. Hussy) I thought that hyphens were difficult, people don''t really know where you go alphabetically... Also, I do want to share a name with my sweetie, and I hope to finish my phd soon, so should either change or stick. Looking forward to hearing more from y''all about what you did with your names. Here is an interesting article about name changing from the NYTimes.

 

[Rhea]

There have been a couple of things that people in general seem to have problems with around life and weddings. I didn''t change my name and we plan to not have children. When either one of these things up people get really uncomfortable. I honestly think that it has to do with people thinking that I''m passing judgement on them by my going against the norm, especially if the other person isn''t entirely comfortable with their decision or just realises as you''re speaking that they in fact had an actual decision to make rather than just going along with things.

On a slightly different note:

The worst thing about not changing my name has been the assumption from one of my partner''s closest friends (his best man) that not only did I change my name but that I only took one of my partner''s last names (he has both his mother''s and father''s last names) - and DH''s father''s last name rather than my partner''s entire legal last name Friend was convinced that while I could socially go by whatever I wanted that legally my name was required to change to DH''s. If this was the case I''m not sure why friend thought it''d be DH''s father''s name rather than both of DH''s names. I finally managed to drum it through the friend''s skull that legally I still have the same name I had on my birth certificate.

 

[mimzy]

i hope you didn''t waste too much energy on their stupidness

i don''t see why people get so bent out of shape over what other people do. even worse when they hear that you are doing something like that and they assume other things based on that (i.e. that you''re a ballbuster, etc). my FI thinks it''s something only total feminists do....and won''t listen when i tell him it sometimes isn''t about that (though sometimes it is). regardless of the motivation, i think it''s a choice that is totally individual to the person and doesn''t go without a lot of thought and/or emotion being put into it.

I''m obsessed with my last name. it''s super ethnic, goes beautifully with my first and middle names, and is a really important part of my identity. I have already decided that i will eventually change my last name to FI''s, but probably not until we start thinking about having a family (FI will hear this as "when i get around to it

) because, as Indy pointed out, i DO want the cohesion as a family, and that is just as important to me as my own last name. I''ll most likely combine my first and middle names, make my last name my middle name and take FI''s last name......not that anybody asked.

 

[Independent Gal]

For some people (like me) feminism = a belief that women are equal in dignity and worth to men, and should be afforded the same choices and opportunities as men. Gender should only interfere to make a difference where it's really rational and insurmountable for it to do so. Of course, the world is such that it doesn't always work out that way.

So now think about this carefully. It's traditional, but is it fair?

Mimzy loves her last name. Mimzy wants to have the same name as her husband.
Mimzy's FI loves his last name. FI wants his family to have the same last name as him.

But only Mimzy has to make a choice between these two things that are important to her while her FI can (and expects to) have it both ways. It is not even up for discussion whether Mimzy could get to have it both ways. Why? Because he has extruding organs? Huh? Which has WHAT to do with the family name? So he gets to keep his name and Mimzy has to change hers if she wants family unity?

Thank god we have choices, but still.

Guess I'm just an angry feminist.

Ignore me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, while I totally get and understand wanting a family to all have the same last name, I wish it were more common for men to at least consider taking our names. But that option only rarely seems to be even entertained. Of course not everyone will be able to get their way, just like with other marital decisions. It just seems like this one is so often moot from the get-go.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Swimmer: My Fi and I are keeping our names but we may combine for children''s names; the Irish Mc of mine and his to be McClement. Of course, given how rocky things sometimes are with his family, they may just get my name.
Indy: I totally agree. It is explicitly legal in every state for a woman to take a man''s name but in only 8 states is the opposite true. It can be a huge hassle going the ther way. My frined in San Fran said it costs a lot extra to change to the woman''s name and it has to go before a judge! The silly thing is that it is really only an English/American tradition. In French speaking countries, the women keep their names. In Spanish speaking countries the woman uses both. In Germany, some women change and some don''t. In much of Asia, the woman simply keep their name. In Japan, the couple must, by law, have the same last name but it doesn''t have to be the man''s.
I have been all over the world and only at home do I get hassled for my desision.

 

[Haven]

Some people feel threatened when confronted with individuals who live life according to their own terms.
Do not waste your time worrying about such people. They mean nothing, especially to someone as unique an individual as you.

I love the term "office harpies" by the way.

Neatfreak--love the new avatar!