Leaving high paying, competitive career to be a stay at home mom?

[Ally T]

The opposite of me is my brothers wife. She started her career as a Nurse, before progressing to the top of her company in the drugs industry. She only took 6 weeks maternity leave with both of her daughters, with my brother, who has mostly worked freelance as a design engineer, taking on day to day parental responsibilities & working from home.

They own 5 properties now, which are all rented out except from their own huge family house, and she spends most of the working week away in Europe (apart from now, as she is based at home).

She has always been very driven & thrives on stress. We are polar opposites when it comes to child rearing, but we (mostly) respect each others decisions*

What suits some, doesn't suit others etc. There is no right or wrong way to have children as we are all so different. As long as they are loved & secure, then you're doing great.

*She ribs me occasionally about not having a 'real'job & I rib her occasionally about the point of having children that she never sees. But she is envious of my quiet lifestyle & peaceful home, whereas I am envious of the black tie events she often attends & the social life her work brings. Cest la vie!

 

[alittlelight]

All these stories that everyone has generously shared point to one thing: the utter unpredictability of life. No one can predict an eventual physical or mental illness for you, your husband, or your child. No one can predict if a child will have behavioral or other issues. Even the most seemingly-stable companies and industries collapse and disappear.

I will guarantee that if you stay at your job, there will be many mornings you regret it. I will guarantee that if you quit your job and stay at home, there will be many mornings you regret it!

The only thing I really do know is that your baby’s early childhood goes by in a FLASH. Literally a drop in the bucket that is your life. And life, God willing, is long.

All the best to you!!

 

[Ally T]

I feel like it's also been very good for our marriage simply because we're less stressed and there is always someone to get stuff done. We're not juggling too many balls at the same time.

However I should point out that my husband is a very easy going, vague fellow who does not like to handle finances or deal with various transactions, banks etc. We don't have that tense financial dynamic because he doesn't care about money and his salary is paid into a joint account that he hasn't logged into for years.

He's also a very hands on father so I've never felt overly stressed about our kid. He knows everything there is to know about the kid and the dog. He's at every single meeting with the school, every doctor's appointment. The only thing he can't do is cook.

This is true of us as well. He appreciates hugely that he doesn't need to even think about the girl's schedules because I am always here, though he never misses an assembly or play. He can be away a lot & did have to make a trip to the US once when our youngest was Mary in the Nativity, therefore missing all performances. They were both so upset that the Head invited him into the dress rehearsal on the morning he flew out. So he got to see Mary sing her Little Donkey solo

All our money goes into a joint account, I take care of the bills & I also own 10% of his fathers company. I definitely don't think about finances should we divorce, but Mr T also has a heart of gold. When he & his ex broke up quite nastily after 9 years (he had met me despite them actually being separated, and boy did she take offence) when he sold their house, which was only in his name & he was the sole mortgage payer, he gave her £150k towards a place of her own as she didn't earn very much money. They weren't married - he had no legal reason to help her out. He's just a good guy.

 

[Sunstorm]

I would never. Ever. Live in any situation that makes me financially vulnerable in any way. You never know what life will throw your way. I do not want to feel that I owe anyone anything or that they can bring that up against me.

I too grew up in a toxic situation like that and was also the victim of such abuse during my adult life. I always dreamt of having my own Business by about 40 to never ever have to rely on anyone. I had this premonition since my childhood. It actually happened, I did it and will never look back, no matter what happens and how tight things get. Even now during a world crisis I still say the same. I never had children, it was the price I paid for saying ever since my childhood that I will subject no child to the same.

If you have considerable savings, that makes the financial power situation much more balanced. I do have to say that many people will not take advantage of them being the sole breadwinner and I know such people myself like that. But many relationships do change to the worse when the guy becomes the one in power and only you know your spouse. This tends to happen to men with narcissistic tendencies and sometimes women do not recognize the signs because they have no experience with it.

I think it is safe to say that with your savings trying a year will do absolutely no harm.

 

[Austina]

I’m a lot older than you, and although I can’t say I gave up a high flying career with a huge salary, I had a good job and earned a reasonable amount.

My DH earned 4 x the amount I did, and after interviewing every Council approved child minder, it was an easy decision for me not to go back to work when DS was born.

I expect that my views on this will be unpopular, but the only person who will bring up your child the way you want, is you. My husband worked very long hours and travelled extensively with his job, so we decided it was important that our son had 1 full time parent, and economically it was a no brainier.

Did me being totally financially dependant on DH change our relationship, absolutely not, it’s never been his or my money, we had a joint account before we were married, and it’s always been that way.

My DS loved that I took him to school and collected him every day, and that I sat with him while he had his dinner, and listened to him read every night. Our finances were such that we didn’t have to sacrifice anything by me being home, but as an only child, we didn’t spoil him by giving him everything he wanted, or rather, wanted at that time.

Only you can decide if staying home is for you, you can’t get back any of the ‘firsts’ you might miss, so if finances are not an issue, then the decision is totally yours, we can only tell you about our experiences.

I actually didn’t go back to work until DS was 16, then I did something completely different, and trained to be a dental nurse, which I did for about 17 years, by which time DH has been retired for several years, DS was living in the US.

I never thought in terms of ‘what if’ the marriage doesn’t work, I know my DH wouldn’t have been mean in any settlement, and in fact, it’s 42 years today that I met him!

 

[mom2dolls]

Only you can decide what is best for you. Taking a trial leave is a great way to test this. However, the first year is especially difficult even with the best baby.

In reading everyone's experiences, I think one's partner is crucial in how each of our experiences played out and how we look back on it.

I did not leave a high paying career, but loved my job. It was financially best for me to stay home when my oldest was born, as I would have been working just to pay for her daycare. Our relationship quickly changed like others have mentioned. I was 100% dependent on him and had no money of my own. We had my youngest two years later and were already heading downhill.

I do not regret one minute of the time I had at home with my monkeys. It was the best, most rewarding time of my life. Also the most challenging and lonely time of my life as well.

Talk openly and honestly with your partner and you will make the best decision for your family.

 

[MRBXXXFVVS1]

Wow, thank you to everyone who generously shared their personal experiences, advice, and wisdom. I will definitely be considering the challenges of re-entering the workforce, as well as contingency scenarios as a result of the feedback. It sounds like yearly re-evaluations early on is helpful, as it allows for course correction and it's easier to re-enter the workforce than after an extended period of time.

@Slick1 So glad to hear your positive experience of staying at home.

@canuk-gal @Fabulous50 Yes, definitely something to think about.

@Gussie Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear about your son's leukemia. I hope he has recovered since!

@Bron357 I can't believe your former manager behaved like that! Glad you stood up for yourself and your family! My mom was an amazing mother, but she was very busy with her career and often wasn't able to attend my activities/events. I'd love to be able to always be present and there for my children.

@MakingTheGrade I'm also considering continuing to "support myself" and pay for my own expenses and credit card bills with my savings/investments. I do plan on continuing to invest in the stock market and in real estate. That way, I can continue to feel financially independent and not change the relationship dynamic as much in that regard. Even though DH and I view everything as "ours," we haven't combined our accounts.

@pearaffair I do think a "trial" of being a stay at home mom is a good idea! To answer the questions:

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? When I was younger, I was definitely an extrovert. But now, I'm more of a social introvert, I get my energy when I'm by myself, but I enjoy some social activities.

Will you be able to afford support if you want it? Yes, however I expect to take on the majority of the family and household responsibilities if I stay at home. I'll probably keep our housekeeper though!

Do you have family around that will help? Some, but most are not local which can make it challenging.

How hard would it be to go back to your job? I'm not sure on this, I would say 50/50 at this point. I do feel confident that I can get a low 6-figure job given my education and experience, even after many years out of the workforce. But that is just my speculation, I could be very wrong.

Are you going to have more than one kid? We would like to have 2 kids.

What makes you happiest right now? Spending quality time with DH, family, and friends. Being outside, finding joy in the small things.

Would being a SAHM mom negatively effect that? I think that being a SAHM would allow me to focus on things that make me happy. I've been fortunate that I've already "completed" my bucket list of travel and other activities.

Fortunately, DH's company has great health benefits, so we will be covered there. DH however doesn't believe in life insurance because he is young and healthy, and doesn't want to pay premiums for nothing. His POV is that I'll have enough to take care of the kids, and continue to work/find a job. I think if I become a SAHM, I'd want to make sure we have life insurance for DH because if the worst case scenario happened, I wouldn't want to worry about making big lifestyle changes, job searching, and being a single parent while grieving.

@asscherisme Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, but glad you had the strength to leave and relaunch your career! Great advice and lots to think about.

@mellowyellowgirl I will definitely plan on "testing" being a SAHM before actually moving forward with the decision! It's just not an easy decision to leave it all behind, since I have worked so hard to get to where I am in my career.

@joelly Always good to put yourself first!

@Jimmianne I do think being a SAHM would add so much value to myself and my family, more than continuing to work.

@Alex T I 100% feel the exact same way. I can't imagine giving someone else the opportunity to live my dream and raise my kids (although I'm sure they'll see it more of a job than my dream)!

@Jambalaya This sounds bad, but I feel so exhausted from working so hard over the years, that I would probably fully immerse myself in my kids, rather than keep up my continuing education. I would keep in touch with friends/colleagues and re-evaluate every year though to make sure I'm happy with where I am. The way I think of it, is hopefully I can always get another job if I change my mind later on. But, once I miss the opportunity to raise my own kids, I can't go back in time. Life so short and so precious.

I will be back to reply to the other messages and advice. This has been so, so, helpful in thinking through this big decision. Thank you again for sharing your experiences and advice!!

 

[pearaffair]

I think you know the answer! Try out SAHM life, and figure out the rest if you decide you miss work.

Also - if you end up not being able to return to the same position as before, well, it could be a beautiful time to explore and try new types of jobs. Perhaps some roles or paths that are more flexible and focus on filling your bucket rather than your bank account. I started working part-time casual shifts at the library just to be around books and people and hear about things other than kids. I found that I really crave variety and flexibility. I also really enjoy developing new skills. You will find the path that is right for you!

 

[Gussie]

Please get some life insurance whether you decide to stay home or not. My ultra conservative, penny pinching FIL told us to double what you think you will need. If something happens to either spouse, there is a period of adjustment that can take some time, often longer than is planned for. Sufficient funds are needed during this time. Premiums for term life are seriously cheap for young people in good health.

 

[MRBXXXFVVS1]

@Asscherhalo_lover Sorry to hear about your father. Yes, always good to have a contingency plan!

@Elizabeth35 @pearaffair We've had many conversations about this over the years and have run the preliminary numbers, but probably need to really sit down, do some more financial modeling, and plan it out. I agree that it could be fun to start a new career. I pretty much have an idea what my life would look like if I continue with my career. Part of me is excited about the unknown and possibilities, if I am a SAHM and choose a second career.

@missy I also believe that dreams change over time, I've chased my career dreams, but I do think it's time for me to fulfill my SAHM dream while being mindful and prepared for different situations.

@GoldenTouch Sounds like you were able to spend a lot of quality time with your step-daughter and daughter! I feel that experience is priceless and something I don't want to miss out on!

@StephanieLynn Really great point about social circles and dynamics changing. I hadn't thought of that. Definitely will look into SAHM groups! I've realized that friends change and grow (sometimes apart over time). Really important to invest in family and the friends you know you'll be close to for life, and continuing meeting new friends.

@Alex T Another option is to continue working and hire a lot of help to make things easier, but I still feel I would miss out on so much. I think the hardest is working full-time and being a mom, followed by being a SAHM, being a working mom with a lot of help, working with no kids, and not working with no kids being the easiest! I realize being a SAHM is working a full-time job too!

@alittlelight Yes, there will always be trade-offs! This thread has been so helpful in helping to identify some of them, prioritizing what is important, and coming up with a plan to optimize for as much as I can!

@Sunstorm Thank you for sharing your experience, sorry that you had to go through that. I do believe, women and men should be able to be independent, self-sufficient individuals and not depend on a partner or inheritance.

@Austina A part of me knows there's no way for a daycare giver or nanny to love my kids to the same level that I would, which adds to my desire to stay at home. There are also a ton of benefits as you mentioned to DH if I'm a SAHM too. Congratulations to you and your DH for 42 years! What a milestone!

@mom2dolls Do you have any advice on how to handle being dependent on your DH? Any guardrails to consider?

@Gussie I'm going to talk to DH about life insurance again during open enrollment. I rather be prepared for a worst case scenario and not have additional stress that could have been prevented.

 

[telephone89]

Personally this is not a decision I would ever make for myself, as I really value being able to support myself should anything happen. BUT it sounds like this is what is really going to make you happy and I think you should do it! We have 12-18mon mat leave in Canada and I think it's really nice to not have to worry about leaving your job permanently but still getting to spend that time with your kid(s).

If you want to look at this, I'd start bugeting ASAP. Put 100% of your income into savings, and try living off your husbands income only. Also helpful to boost the savings.

 

[sparlie]

I graduated college with an engineering degree, which was unusual at the time for a woman. I was recruited by a top company and received a great salary. However, I always knew that my greatest desire was to have children and to be a SAHM.

I was very fortunate that when my husband and I decided to have children he was in a very high paying field and I was able to stop working. Without a doubt that was the greatest gift for me and my children. I did go back to work part time when they were in elementary school, but only worked 9-3 several days a week, so I still was home when they were. After several years I did stop working because I felt I didn't have enough hours in the week to get everything done.

I never had any issues with the dynamics between my husband and I changing due to he being the sole money earner. I handled all of our finances and to this day he doesn't know where any of our investments are nor does he care. If he needs money from the bank he asks me. It works out well because of our personalities.

Our arrangement works well for us and I am so grateful that I was able to be home with my kids. I never regretted it for a second and it was the greatest joy in my life.

 

[FinleysMom]

I never believed that one could “have it all”. You want to have a family...then have one. Stay home and be a mom. I assume that your marriage is strong and that your are BOTH on the same side in this decision. I chose to work my life away......no kids, no grands, not even steps. I never wanted “two jobs”. I applaud you wanting to be a mom vs. Dumping kids off at a daycare, etc. How sad Is that? wishing you much happiness! Lucky children.

 

[mom2dolls]

@mom2dolls Do you have any advice on how to handle being dependent on your DH? Any guardrails to consider?

I think each relationship is different. Only you know how your relationship may be impacted by becoming a SAHM. I think the advice of having a nest egg for yourself is important. It is the little things that add up. Getting your hair done, a mani/pedi, a massage. I had to ask to do these things when my girls were younger. He had the say whether I could or could not even though I handled all bills and household finances. He was the breadwinner.

Life Insurance is crutial to protect you and your future children should god forbid the unthinkable happen.

Communication!! Brutally honest communication ahead of time so both of you can voice thoughts and concerns. What are your expectations and what are his? What will the roles look like? This can turn into a hiccup in the future as things unfold organically.

I have friends that set up strict schedules around time away for "me time". I think this is one of the most important things to do from day one. Also, couple time. Never forget that you are a couple first. Your little bundle of joy did not arrive without the love of you both.

Sorry for the long post. I learned so much through experience. Remember you have a great group here supporting you!!

 

[Elizabeth35]

I think each relationship is different. Only you know how your relationship may be impacted by becoming a SAHM. I think the advice of having a nest egg for yourself is important. It is the little things that add up. Getting your hair done, a mani/pedi, a massage. I had to ask to do these things when my girls were younger. He had the say whether I could or could not even though I handled all bills and household finances. He was the breadwinner.

Life Insurance is crutial to protect you and your future children should god forbid the unthinkable happen.

Communication!! Brutally honest communication ahead of time so both of you can voice thoughts and concerns. What are your expectations and what are his? What will the roles look like? This can turn into a hiccup in the future as things unfold organically.

I have friends that set up strict schedules around time away for "me time". I think this is one of the most important things to do from day one. Also, couple time. Never forget that you are a couple first. Your little bundle of joy did not arrive without the love of you both.

Sorry for the long post. I learned so much through experience. Remember you have a great group here supporting you!!

While you need to discuss the finances, you also need to discuss the future change in roles.
Obviously you will be primarily caring for infants/children. Who is doing laundry, cooking, cleaning, yard work, household maintenance currently? And how will that change?
It's important to manage expectations ahead of the change so nobody is surprised.

In my situation, because I felt guilty about not bringing home any $$, I did everything. My ex-husband literally went to work and that was all. I handled child care, cleaning, laundry, ironing, shopping, cooking, bills, insurance, lawn mowing, shoveling driveway, taking garbage out, etc. I did household repairs and interior and exterior painting. I washed the cars. And when we divorced--I was told that it was all 'his' money because I didn't work. So even though it was a joint decision that I stay home, there was a feeling on his end that because I didn't earn money that I was not on equal footing. Obviously, you are in a better relationship!

So put some thought into how all the little bits of life are handled now and what you, and he, expect for the future with you as SAHM. And be flexible and keep communicating. Life with small kids is a joy beyond measure but it comes with hard work, and perhaps some personal sacrifice. So make sure you keep your marriage healthy and have time to keep yourself happy.

 

[qubitasaurus]

I think perhaps you may have already made up your mind -- and that is great. It is a rare thing to know what you really want.

I have to say I haven't stayed home, but I have had a career which was pretty flexible for me to spend a bit more time trouble shooting at home over the first year my daughter was alive. Juxtaposed with this there was only 8 week maternity leave and 72 hours paternity leave -- which left us in an awful mess (pneumonia and hospitalization in the icu for my husband, and terrible fear my daughter had caught it when she was just 3 weeks old for me. All while trying to work out how I would go back to work in less than 5 weeks time, and simultaneously being told my daughter who had no passport, would be made an illegal immigrant of the country we were living in and kicked out because my home country "was taking too long" to issue her passport. Also was severely sleep deprived (living of 4-5 hours a night) and dreading the approaching date where my mum/family had to leave. So I can really see why you would want this.)

I would say a few things popped out at me though --

1. write a list of where you want to be in 5 years, 10 years, etc. To be on the safe side assume that you'll never be able to reenter your current career if you are away for more than a year.
   
   I know you think you can get something. But do you know anyone personally who has left your career and come back in after several years as a SAHM and what level did they reenter at? (if you know such a person please make sure you ask them about the process). Most jobs are based on contacts. Honestly having a baby is life altering, and you'll likely lose a lot of those contacts. Children take a lot out of you, at the start they are world consuming. I.e. you'll go from handling high profile projects to trying to brush your teeth while peeing/pooing into the toilet. It really is 'hard work' and a lot of your former contacts wont appreciate this at all. They'll just feel vaguely ill when they realize everything you own is covered in (smells of) vomit, and what you used to think was gross (like realizing you baby chucked poo into your bed at 3 am and you've accidentally slept on it) are now part of your normal life. The fact that you are now able to mentally process this is actually a testament to how much youve grown by having children. But you're colleagues wont have these life experiences and wont appreciate this at all. This will create a slight rift. You're going to lose some of the report you had with them.). Ofcourse its likely you can go into a related area, as long as youre willing to start again, and ready for that.
   
   Make sure your list of where you want to be in 5 years is well reconciled with this reality.
   
   
2. You should create a fresh bank account right now and start putting both your pay checks in there asap. Try to live off his and have your balance grow by the amount you earn every month. Any other arrangement will become untenable.
   
   
3. The above comment is spot on, like marriage councilling there should be some sort of upfront chat about how you guys think this might work. Having children is exhausting, be realistic when he comes home at night is he still willing to help -- you really need this. Alternatively can you find some money for extra cleaning services and a baby sitter for like 3 hours at least 2 times a week? Yes you need this too believe it or not. Otherwise you will totally lose yourself in the baby (which is isolating).

Having said all of this, having a child is the best thing I ever did. It was like it unlocked a part of me I did not know existed (I really didn't want one at all originally) and it turns out to be the most important part -- nothing else compares even remotely. So every ounce of pain is paid back with 100 x that amount in joy. But it is like flipping a rollercoaster leaver on your life, it departs radically from the trajectory it was on into a new and completely different trajectory.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

Life Insurance is crutial to protect you and your future children should god forbid the unthinkable happen.

Communication!! Brutally honest communication ahead of time so both of you can voice thoughts and concerns. What are your expectations and what are his? What will the roles look like? This can turn into a hiccup in the future as things unfold organically.

This 1000 x!



I don't know about the legal framework where you are, but we didn't need any pre nup or anything, because we chose to have joint assets from the get go. So automatically, anything that is acquired during the marriage is equally ours. Your inheritance or prior savings are untouched.

For us this was our outlook onto marriage anyways, so it suits us well.


I am personally someone who likes to make informed decisions , so to me it was very valuable to have a close friend who didn't sugar coat parenthood.


It is incredibly rewarding and fulfilling.
But it is hard work. Many friends who went into the experience thinking it'll be roses and unicorns all day went through a phase of resentment and struggle.

People are good at different things. Try to do everything you excel at yourself, don't be afraid to outsource things you're not good at.

I gave up a nice career in the media /PR industry after kid 3.

It wasn't because it was too much for ME, but because it was not enough mom for THEM (for our family, ymmv).

In my life of a mom of 6 now I am working as much or more than in my career.

It is different and rewarding. I have a lot of freedom in planning and decisions.

I don't not feel that I'm doing brainless tasks all day. People always ask me how I can be on the level of kids all day (they imagine I'm talking two sentence phrases all day). I find that question extremely short sighted.

I like to research important decisions and I've done a lot of medical research, looked into different pedagogical concepts, school systems, evaluated child development, look into nutrition , do HR stuff, etc etc. every day. My decisions will influence the future of my children. Every day.


Second pet peeve question is: "you don't work? Oh. Can you hold a decent conversation then?"
Well, yes, I think I can. I'm still reading the news. Just because I meet an accountant at a party we're usually not talking about excel spreadsheets either.
And I do WORK. A lot. I'm not getting paid. That's a difference.


As to the relationship with my partner:

My dh is a generous person, which helps.

And he doesn't think I have the easier job.

He values my opinion. I trust him 100% and he trusts me.

If those factors were not here, I wouldn't be with him. Let alone have kids with him.
But different people have different relationships and seek different things.

 

[Roselina]

I never believed that one could “have it all”. You want to have a family...then have one. Stay home and be a mom. I assume that your marriage is strong and that your are BOTH on the same side in this decision. I chose to work my life away......no kids, no grands, not even steps. I never wanted “two jobs”. I applaud you wanting to be a mom vs. Dumping kids off at a daycare, etc. How sad Is that? wishing you much happiness! Lucky children.

It‘s not either or. There are some ways in between.

 

[missy]

It‘s not either or. There are some ways in between.

Agree. There are ways to have it both ways. Being creative and thinking outside the box makes it possible. There are examples provided by PSers above demonstrating just that.