Living together before marriage - good or bad thing?

[lucyandroger]

Date: 7/16/2009 2:44:45 PM
Author: Laila619

Date: 7/16/2009 8:52:42 AM
Author:Londongirl1
Well.... according to a recent study of 1000 married couples by a US psychologist, couples who live separately before getting engaged or married are more likely to have a lasting marriage.

I''m interested to know whether any PSers have made a decision not to live with your partner until after the ''big day'' and do you think it made (or will make) your marriage better?

DH and I absolutely did NOT live together until after the wedding. We are very traditional like that.

I don''t know that it''s made our marriage stronger per se, but it''s certainly made it more special because getting to live together and join finances etc. was so EXCITING! We couldn''t wait. Being newlyweds when we moved in was so much fun.

A lot of couples who live together before marriage say that after the wedding, nothing really feels all that different since they''d already been living together for years. How sad. Nobody saves anything for marriage anymore, so of course it''s not going to feel all that different! We didn''t want that.

It''s not sad! I think it''s awesome that you and your hubby have enjoyed doing things your way. Those of us that are living together before marriage get to experience all the same excitement, just not all at once. Moving in with my SO was one of the most exciting and romantic days of my lives. For us, a wedding, honeymoon, and name change is enough excitement for one time in our lives.

I guess I just don''t understand this debate. Why do people feel the need to assert that their way of doing things is the way everyone else should do it? Who cares what other people do with their lives - everyone''s situation is soooo different.

 

[Blackpaw]

Date: 7/16/2009 3:21:05 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 7/16/2009 2:44:45 PM

Author: Laila619

Date: 7/16/2009 8:52:42 AM

Author:Londongirl1

Well.... according to a recent study of 1000 married couples by a US psychologist, couples who live separately before getting engaged or married are more likely to have a lasting marriage.


I''m interested to know whether any PSers have made a decision not to live with your partner until after the ''big day'' and do you think it made (or will make) your marriage better?

DH and I absolutely did NOT live together until after the wedding. We are very traditional like that.


I don''t know that it''s made our marriage stronger per se, but it''s certainly made it more special because getting to live together and join finances etc. was so EXCITING! We couldn''t wait. Being newlyweds when we moved in was so much fun.


A lot of couples who live together before marriage say that after the wedding, nothing really feels all that different since they''d already been living together for years. How sad. Nobody saves anything for marriage anymore, so of course it''s not going to feel all that different! We didn''t want that.

It''s not sad! I think it''s awesome that you and your hubby have enjoyed doing things your way. Those of us that are living together before marriage get to experience all the same excitement, just not all at once. Moving in with my SO was one of the most exciting and romantic days of my lives. For us, a wedding, honeymoon, and name change is enough excitement for one time in our lives.


I guess I just don''t understand this debate. Why do people feel the need to assert that their way of doing things is the way everyone else should do it? Who cares what other people do with their lives - everyone''s situation is soooo different.

YES! Exactly.

 

[ladypirate]

We moved in together a year and a half before getting engaged, but when we did we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with each other. We even committed the cardinal sin of buying a house before engagement/marriage (although FI proposed the first time we were at the house together after closing). My parents lived together for years before they got married and their marriage is healthy and strong. They actually told us that we should live together before getting engaged/married!

 

[meresal]

Date: 7/16/2009 3:21:05 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 7/16/2009 2:44:45 PM
Author: Laila619

Date: 7/16/2009 8:52:42 AM
Author:Londongirl1
Well.... according to a recent study of 1000 married couples by a US psychologist, couples who live separately before getting engaged or married are more likely to have a lasting marriage.

I''m interested to know whether any PSers have made a decision not to live with your partner until after the ''big day'' and do you think it made (or will make) your marriage better?

DH and I absolutely did NOT live together until after the wedding. We are very traditional like that.

I don''t know that it''s made our marriage stronger per se, but it''s certainly made it more special because getting to live together and join finances etc. was so EXCITING! We couldn''t wait. Being newlyweds when we moved in was so much fun.

A lot of couples who live together before marriage say that after the wedding, nothing really feels all that different since they''d already been living together for years. How sad. Nobody saves anything for marriage anymore, so of course it''s not going to feel all that different! We didn''t want that.

It''s not sad! I think it''s awesome that you and your hubby have enjoyed doing things your way. Those of us that are living together before marriage get to experience all the same excitement, just not all at once. Moving in with my SO was one of the most exciting and romantic days of my lives. For us, a wedding, honeymoon, and name change is enough excitement for one time in our lives.

I guess I just don''t understand this debate. Why do people feel the need to assert that their way of doing things is the way everyone else should do it? Who cares what other people do with their lives - everyone''s situation is soooo different.

It is not sad at all. Just sad to you, becuase it is not what you wanted.
Hard to believe, but some people don''t like alot of change all at once. It can be extremely stressful for certain personalities, like mine. I look forward to coming home, and knowing that the only stress we are going to have, is figurnig out where to put presents that we have absolutely no room for.

That and laundry... I hate doing laundry after trips.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 7/16/2009 3:21:05 PM
Author: lucyandroger

I guess I just don''t understand this debate. Why do people feel the need to assert that their way of doing things is the way everyone else should do it? Who cares what other people do with their lives - everyone''s situation is soooo different.

Couldn''t agree with you more. Everyone''s different. Of all the things about someone else that could affect me, their living preferences rank pretty low on the list

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Haha, excitement for some is just stress for others!
I've had a hard enough time juggling wedding planning with grad school, I can't imagine also trying to buy a house/get a new apt and moving as well! I'm glad we have it all spaced out!

Also, when I moved to Philly for school, my fiance decided to move with me, and it would have been financially silly to have him rent his own apt for 11 months before we got married.
(Granted, we lived together before we moved as well)

 

[monarch64]

Crap. I lived with my ex-H before we got married....the marriage lasted a whopping 5 years. If only I had known about this concept as a young and desperate 20-something.

Seriously, though...I don''t think the fact that we lived together first had much to do with the divorce at all. Mostly we''re divorcing because he''s wrong and I''m right.

 

[packrat]

Date: 7/16/2009 3:55:31 PM
Author: monarch64
Crap. I lived with my ex-H before we got married....the marriage lasted a whopping 5 years. If only I had known about this concept as a young and desperate 20-something.

Seriously, though...I don''t think the fact that we lived together first had much to do with the divorce at all. Mostly we''re divorcing because he''s wrong and I''m right.

bwhahaha gave me a chuckle!

 

[Lilac]

I don''t think any one way is the *right* way for everyone.

The way I did things with DH was right for *us* and that''s all that matters to me. If living together before marriage is right for someone else, then good for them they should do what they feel is right! If dating someone for 3 months works for some and dating someone for 15 years works for others, then good for each of them. I don''t think any of us has the right to judge others on whether or not they should or shouldn''t be living together before marriage.

I think the only thing that everyone should do before marriage is make sure they spend enough time together to develop great communication skills, learn how to compromise, and make sure they can deal with the little quirks and annoying habits their significant other has. Whether they do those things through spending lots of time together every day or through living together or through another way, as long as ALL those things have been accomplished I think each marriage will have a similar chance at succeeding.

 

[musey]

Oh geez. There are lots and lots and LOTS LOTS LOTS of threads on this, if you want some dramatic reading material.

Suffice to say, I disagree that it's "sad" for nothing/not much to have changed after the wedding day. Of course, that's going to depend on whether or not you care that things change on a large scale after the wedding day. I didn't. Therefore, it wasn't a deciding factor for me. Some people do, and that's okay too. I personally cared more about the solidarity of my relationship before walking down the aisle over any sort of "exciting changes" that may have come if I'd "waited" on any given front. For me, that meant living with my boyfriend/then fiance before marriage. For others, it's unnecessary. Cool.

And, by the way, I still got to experience those "exciting changes" - which I did "wait" for, for a lot longer time-wise than most wait-until-marriage folks do, as a matter of fact - they just didn't happen to occur immediately after my wedding. Honestly, I liked having all that stuff out of the way so I could focus on the amazing, intangible things that still did change... I wasn't distracted by the newness of the typical stuff. Again, personal preference.


After doing a lot of research (yes, academic

) on this subject (took a marriage/family composition sociology course toward the end of undergrad, and my professor used to work for the federal government as well as US Census in this area), what I've gathered is that living together before marriage does not hurt your chances of remaining married in the long run. What does "hurt" those chances is the "type" of person who would be open to pre-marital cohabitation is also the "type" of person who would be open to ending an unhappy marriage.

Likewise, the "type" of person who would NOT be open to pre-marital cohabitation is also the "type" of person who would NOT be open to ending an unhappy marriage.

Speaking in generalities, of course.

So it's not the cohabiting vs. not cohabiting that impacts the length of marriage, it's the background of individuals who would or would not cohabit.

As an interesting tidbit, if you weigh cohabiting vs. not cohabiting in the context of happiness within the marriage (rather than simply whether they "stay married"), the statistics that favor non-cohabiting couples, which are pretty darn close anyhow, flip.


Where the difference does lie is in the likelihood of reaching the altar at all, which is logical anyhow if you think about it. Living together before marriage gives a couple a "preview" of marital life, a realistic look at what living together for the rest of their lives (regardless of that marriage certificate). That can be a dealbreaker for some couples. In my opinion, this is not a bad thing, but that's just my personal opinion.

You can make your own assumptions as to how that "dealbreaker" situation would play out in the case of a non-cohabiting (before marriage) couple.

The above is also influenced by the way they choose to isolate test groups, usually pitting engaged and married non-cohabitors against ALL cohabitors, whether they're engaged/married or just dating without plans to marry in the future.


So to sum up: length of marriage is generally not influenced by a couples choice to or not to cohabit prior to the wedding, but rather by the background of the people which predisposes them to certain choices under certain circumstances (and, you know, about five gazillion other things that have NOTHING to do with living situation). Which means (shocker!) that we should all make our decisions for ourselves instead of taking the "well I heard that statistics say..." route.

 

[FrekeChild]

Oh musey, you KNEW we''d have to revisit it again soon.

 

[musey]

Date: 7/16/2009 4:11:43 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Oh musey, you KNEW we'd have to revisit it again soon.

I think I did a better job than I usually do with these threads

lol!

A little too verbose, but this is ME we're talking about here!


Can we just skip to pie?

 

[rainwood]

Why would anyone live or plan their life according to studies or statistics? Statistics, regardless of what they are or might show, have no effect on your own relationship. It is what it is and will be what it''s going to be. We dated for 3 years, lived together for a year after that, then got married. We''ll celebrate our 31st wedding anniversary next month. But the fact that we''ve been happily married for a long time doesn''t mean that someone else will be or won''t be. That statistic is only meaningful for us, and personal statistics grouped for a bunch of other people isn''t a good predictor of what will happen to you and your relationship either.

One of my nieces waited for marriage (in all things) for religious reasons and the marriage turned out to be a disaster. Would living together have shown them they were incompatible? Yes. And if they''d lived together, they would have broken up instead of getting married and then getting a divorce. The fact that statistics might have been in their favor didn''t change the fact that they were miserable together and much happier apart. But that''s their statistic and doesn''t mean that others who wait are similarly doomed.

What''s right for you may be wrong for someone else regardless of what the numbers say.

 

[Laila619]

Date: 7/16/2009 3:21:05 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 7/16/2009 2:44:45 PM
Author: Laila619

DH and I absolutely did NOT live together until after the wedding. We are very traditional like that.

I don't know that it's made our marriage stronger per se, but it's certainly made it more special because getting to live together and join finances etc. was so EXCITING! We couldn't wait. Being newlyweds when we moved in was so much fun.

A lot of couples who live together before marriage say that after the wedding, nothing really feels all that different since they'd already been living together for years. How sad. Nobody saves anything for marriage anymore, so of course it's not going to feel all that different! We didn't want that.

It's not sad! I think it's awesome that you and your hubby have enjoyed doing things your way. Those of us that are living together before marriage get to experience all the same excitement, just not all at once. Moving in with my SO was one of the most exciting and romantic days of my lives. For us, a wedding, honeymoon, and name change is enough excitement for one time in our lives.

I guess I just don't understand this debate. Why do people feel the need to assert that their way of doing things is the way everyone else should do it? Who cares what other people do with their lives - everyone's situation is soooo different.

lucyandroger, I'm saying it's sad for only the brides who have SPECIFICALLY mentioned that when they came back from their honeymoon, they felt a bit let down because nothing really felt that different since they already lived together. I remember a couple of brides on this forum saying that. I felt bad for them, because it should be a super exciting time in one's life.

For girls who didn't feel that way, great! I truly am happy it worked for them!

I didn't mean to offend.

 

[Haven]

As with most things in life, it completely depends on the couple.

I agree with other posters who reminded us that this statistic does not take into account the fact that a percentage of people who do not live together before marriage might be religious, and therefore against divorce whether or not they are happily married.

Personally, I did not want to live with *anyone* until I was married. It wasn''t religious, it wasn''t because my parents didn''t believe in it, it was what I wanted. I didn''t want to live with anyone other than my future husband, and I had a real fear of giving up the independence that I had while living on my own.

We dated for four years before we married, and I''m very happy we did not move in together before marriage. But that''s just us. I think you probably feel like one choice is better for you, and that''s the one I''d choose.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 7/16/2009 11:50:08 AM
Author: Blackpaw
I think for me personally its better to live together prior to marriage. I dont want to make a mistake i could avoid, and though i know living together first is no guarantee that my relationship wont fail, it makes me feel like ive made the best effort to know what im entering into. And of course, as many have pointed out there are many more factors that influence divorce rates than just cohabitation prior to marriage.


Its a very interesting debate though. Marriage was essentially a product of religion (you can debate whether its beginnings were glorious or despicable!) but is now a product of society (IMO). And in a lot of ways you could say its extremely antiquated. Plus, is divorce really so bad? Its obviously not a happy thing but perhaps people put too much negative emphasis on it and make it worse than it is. After all, if you''re not happy, do what you have to do to make yourself happy. And if you take away the religious aspect of marriage, then there isnt perhaps a need to make it the be-all end-all measure of relationship success.

I''m still reading through this thread, FYI.

The bolded part is a very good and interesting point! A divorce has a great social stigma, but it is a glorified legal break up, in some respects. Many people who are religious look at it as a covenant, so that is one reason that it can be viewed in a serious and/or harsh light. I think the other aspect is that weddings are often such big to-do''s, you make this promise in front of everyone you know, so then it becomes a very public failure.

Thanks, BlackPaw for the thought provoking post!

 

[Haven]

Date: 7/16/2009 3:51:27 PM
Author: LilyKat

Date: 7/16/2009 3:21:05 PM
Author: lucyandroger

I guess I just don''t understand this debate. Why do people feel the need to assert that their way of doing things is the way everyone else should do it? Who cares what other people do with their lives - everyone''s situation is soooo different.

Couldn''t agree with you more. Everyone''s different. Of all the things about someone else that could affect me, their living preferences rank pretty low on the list

Had I read through this thread before I posted, I would have just said:

Ditto!

 

[kittybean]

Date: 7/16/2009 1:46:25 PM
Author: kittybean
I''m wondering what people think about living together before marriage but after engagement. This is what I did. We didn''t decide to live together until several months after we got engaged. We already had set a wedding date and started our religious marriage preparation before we started discussing moving in together; it just made sense to us to do so for a variety of reasons.

My questions:

Black Jade and others who are in the not-living-together-before-marriage camp, are your opinion and your observations about living together the same if the couple has already gotten engaged?

Those in the green-light-to-living-together camp, do you think it''s any different if the couple is already engaged versus if they are dating? Do you think a couple that''s already engaged should maybe have lived together before taking that step?

I know this is lame, but I''m reposting this question because I really want to know if people who did things one way or the other feel that the situation is different if a couple is cohabiting while engaged versus while dating. Do the same problems exist, meaning either lack (or failure) of a marital commitment (for those that advocate not cohabiting) or lack of knowledge of the other person before making a serious commitment to them (for those that do advocate cohabiting)?

 

[newsboysgrl777]

Date: 7/16/2009 11:19:42 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
I can just speak from my personal experience - nothing more. I read all of Black Jade''s post with interest. Here are my thoughts:

- A lot of women love sex more than perhaps they are willing to admit. I generally have a higher sex drive than most men and love it. LOVE!!!

Okay, I''ve only read the first page of this thread...and this is a total deviation from it, but I have a question for litigator - HOW do you have so much sex drive? I WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISH I had even SOME, let alone a LOT!! Is it just different for every woman? (Also, I wrote about this on the abstaining before marriage thread, but I''m on an anti-depressant and birth control...both of which can cause a lack of interest sexually, but I''d LOVE to know if there is ANYTHING that will bring it back?! :''( ) Again, sorry for the deviation...this thread (as far as I''ve read) really is quite interesting.

 

[packrat]

Date: 7/16/2009 4:52:25 PM
Author: newsboysgrl777

Date: 7/16/2009 11:19:42 AM

Author: LitigatorChick

I can just speak from my personal experience - nothing more. I read all of Black Jade''s post with interest. Here are my thoughts:


- A lot of women love sex more than perhaps they are willing to admit. I generally have a higher sex drive than most men and love it. LOVE!!!

Okay, I''ve only read the first page of this thread...and this is a total deviation from it, but I have a question for litigator - HOW do you have so much sex drive? I WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISH I had even SOME, let alone a LOT!! Is it just different for every woman? (Also, I wrote about this on the abstaining before marriage thread, but I''m on an anti-depressant and birth control...both of which can cause a lack of interest sexually, but I''d LOVE to know if there is ANYTHING that will bring it back?! :''( ) Again, sorry for the deviation...this thread (as far as I''ve read) really is quite interesting.

I''ve heard of a sex drive..and pretty sure I used to have one, 2 kids ago. News, try morning sex. It''s niiice.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 7/16/2009 4:50:45 PM
Author: kittybean
I know this is lame, but I''m reposting this question because I really want to know if people who did things one way or the other feel that the situation is different if a couple is cohabiting while engaged versus while dating. Do the same problems exist, meaning either lack (or failure) of a marital commitment (for those that advocate not cohabiting) or lack of knowledge of the other person before making a serious commitment to them (for those that do advocate cohabiting)?

Wonderful posts from many ladies as usual..especially Musey. And I agree with the other such as rainwood that said why would anyone life their life according to statistics? Perhaps the only decisions in my life I am leaving to statistics that come to mind are losing weight, and car buying due to safety ratings! Most definitely not marriage or children.

Now to answer your question KB: we lived together for about 6 months before getting engaged and then another year and and 3.5 months or so after before getting married. We moved in together a few months after DH graduated from college (he got a job in the city where I was attending college and it just made sense. He wanted be where I was, I wanted him to be where I was, etc). I was also horribly tired of dorm life and I''ve frequently said the only roommate this only child was willing share her space with was the man she was in love with. Anyway enough background, but it is important to note that some of this time (sometimes a whole week or two at a time) I was at home w/ my parents because my permanent address was with them and I lived with DH while at college. I graduated in May and lived out of a suitcase pretty much permanently from then to June and I am STILL moving things out of my parents house, but I "officially" changed my permanent address on the wedding day mentally anyway because while I was living with him beforehand that place was a temporary place we would not stay there. I don''t know if the same problems exist, but I am guessing if people get engaged it is less common for a guy to delay a wedding than it is for him to delay an engagement. For me I felt like I wanted to move in together to make that next step (and like I said it just made sense) and then I wanted to be engaged during the remainder. After living together for a bit I was so excited to make it "official" in my mind by getting engaged and start wedding planning. But to sum up my answer..yeah I feel like when people are engaged they are more likely to get married if living together than when just dating; however, as always it reallllyyy depends on the couple. So no I don''t think we can all be reduced to a statistic. I was never desperate. I would have HATED moving our things in together within the last few weeks because I already want to scream from the moving we''ve been doing (started moving things from old apartment June 13). But that''s just me, it''s probably not everyone or even some of you here! Oh and as for nothing''s changed..well sorry if I''m a tragedy for some of you because I feel pretty much the same just a bit more solid if that makes sense and I LOVE it. I did not WANT things to change. We''re having a great time decorating our first "real" place (as in a non-college apt), I still get butterflies in my stomach, I still get excited when I find out he''s coming home from work, we cuddle, we laugh, we play, and he''s my best friend. Why did that have to suddenly get more exciting or change? It''s my life, it''s already exciting, and I love it.

 

[Blackpaw]

Date: 7/16/2009 4:52:25 PM
Author: newsboysgrl777

Date: 7/16/2009 11:19:42 AM

Author: LitigatorChick

I can just speak from my personal experience - nothing more. I read all of Black Jade''s post with interest. Here are my thoughts:


- A lot of women love sex more than perhaps they are willing to admit. I generally have a higher sex drive than most men and love it. LOVE!!!

Okay, I''ve only read the first page of this thread...and this is a total deviation from it, but I have a question for litigator - HOW do you have so much sex drive? I WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISH I had even SOME, let alone a LOT!! Is it just different for every woman? (Also, I wrote about this on the abstaining before marriage thread, but I''m on an anti-depressant and birth control...both of which can cause a lack of interest sexually, but I''d LOVE to know if there is ANYTHING that will bring it back?! :''( ) Again, sorry for the deviation...this thread (as far as I''ve read) really is quite interesting.

Woo Hoo!! Go Newsboysgrl, now we''re talking

Kittybean, IMHO i dont see much of a difference between living together before or after engagement. You only get engaged to get married i generally think. Its not a ''step'' on the way to marriage, that is to me, you dont get engaged and then work your way to marriage from there. From a religious perspective my guess, based on my background, would be that its a null point, you still did the wrong thing by living together prior to marriage! But i generally believe that living together prior to marriage is a good move, so im inclined to think either way is good, but i guess being engaged prior to moving in together does entail more of a commitment, if that''s what you''re looking for in moving in together.

Trillionaire thank you - i dont think anyone''s ever said im thought provoking

It is an interesting idea. Like you say, divorce is essentially a legal break-up, just as marriage is a legalized relationship.

Funnily enough, to my SO (not at all religious, so not into those reasons for marriage), buying a house together is the same, if not more of a commitment than marriage! So maybe it should be:

Blackpaw...do you take this split level, 3 bedroom home to have and to renovate with me, through good times and faulty appliances and leaky ceilings....for so long as we can afford it?

 

[trillionaire]

I think, to each their own.

I would not choose to live with a partner unless we were at least engaged.

If you want to live with me, like a married couple, then I expect you to make the requisite commitment.

I value my independence, and that is important to me. I am not religious. I''ve also spent plenty of time with my current partner, spanning from weekends, to a 3 month stint one summer for work. (we are LDR) We began dating in undergrad, and he practically lived at my house, and he would get up and make omelets to order for my roommates I don''t mind ''practically living together''... I just need you to have some where to go if things are not working out, for whatever reason. For me, that represents security.

I also wouldn''t get engaged to someone that I didn''t feel that I knew. If living together would make the difference, then it was probably too soon.

 

[bee*]

Date: 7/16/2009 3:51:27 PM
Author: LilyKat

Date: 7/16/2009 3:21:05 PM

Author: lucyandroger


I guess I just don''t understand this debate. Why do people feel the need to assert that their way of doing things is the way everyone else should do it? Who cares what other people do with their lives - everyone''s situation is soooo different.

Couldn''t agree with you more. Everyone''s different. Of all the things about someone else that could affect me, their living preferences rank pretty low on the list

Totally agree. Everyone is going to have their own opinion on the subject and should do what''s right for them. For me, I wanted to be engaged before we moved in which we did. We''re just back from our honeymoon and were delighted to return to our house, which we already have lived in for over a year, and our lives have settled down again. I would hate to just be moving in now, but that''s me. I don''t agree with those stats and think that they can be swayed to whichever way of thinking you want.

 

[ice-queen]

Date: 7/16/2009 4:50:45 PM
Author: kittybean

Date: 7/16/2009 1:46:25 PM
Author: kittybean
I''m wondering what people think about living together before marriage but after engagement. This is what I did. We didn''t decide to live together until several months after we got engaged. We already had set a wedding date and started our religious marriage preparation before we started discussing moving in together; it just made sense to us to do so for a variety of reasons.

My questions:

Black Jade and others who are in the not-living-together-before-marriage camp, are your opinion and your observations about living together the same if the couple has already gotten engaged?

Those in the green-light-to-living-together camp, do you think it''s any different if the couple is already engaged versus if they are dating? Do you think a couple that''s already engaged should maybe have lived together before taking that step?

I know this is lame, but I''m reposting this question because I really want to know if people who did things one way or the other feel that the situation is different if a couple is cohabiting while engaged versus while dating. Do the same problems exist, meaning either lack (or failure) of a marital commitment (for those that advocate not cohabiting) or lack of knowledge of the other person before making a serious commitment to them (for those that do advocate cohabiting)?

I am in the "not-living-together-before-marriage-camp" (for myself...really doesn''t bother me what other people do). I think there is a huge distinction between cohabitating while engaged versus dating, because an engagement means that you have made a huge serious commitment to eachother. As I touched on in my previous post, I think if you are going to live together before marriage, moving in together once you get engaged is the appropriate time. That way you have a chance to work the kinks out...and if you find out that you can''t live with this person for the rest of your life, you''re not exactly "stuck"... can always call off the engagement. But, I think if you really spend enough time with your SO, there won''t be too many surprises. There have been times where I have stayed at my FI''s house and not even gone back to my apt for a week ...obviously, it''s not the exact same, but you get a pretty good idea what living together will be like.

 

[jstarfireb]

All a matter of personal preference. From my standpoint, circumstances prevented us from living together (as they still do now that we're married and still long-distance), but I would have done it in a heartbeat. His brother and SIL chose not to live together for religious reasons, and they're a perfectly happy "normal" couple too. It really doesn't matter...do what makes you and your SO happy!

ETA: For those on the fence, I do feel that living together before marriage helps ease the transition into married life, which can be difficult enough on its own.

 

[Haven]

Kittybean--I do see a bit of a difference between living together while dating and living together while engaged. (I''m in the refused-to-live-with-anyone-before-marriage camp, simply because I just plain didn''t want to do it.)

For me, the difference is that as an engaged couple you have declared your commitment and your intention to wed, and (assuming there is an actual wedding date and other marriage plans are in the works to happen within a year) you actually plan on marrying.

As a dating couple, it seems like more of a trial situation, a sort of let''s see if this thing fits before we move on to the next step thing. (At least for *me* it would be that sort of thing.)

I think the trial situation is a really good thing for some people, and I really don''t care what other people choose to do and when they choose to live together. (That is, unless those other people are my sisters and then I have a lot of opinions about it.

)

As for us, we technically did move in together before we married. We bought our house and moved in on June 1st, and we married on July 4th, so I suppose I''m misrepresenting my stance here. Ideally, we would have moved into the house on July 5th, but I chaperoned an international student trip from 6/5 to 6/17, and we honeymooned for nearly two weeks after our wedding, and DH had a renter move in to his condo on 6/1, so it was just the best move for us. At that point, I was absolutely certain we were going to marry, and I had no qualms about moving in and living with him for about two weeks before the wedding day.

I do like that being married felt different than the first four years of our relationship, when we were just dating/engaged, and not living together. We didn''t have a difficult transition, either, from living apart to together, it''s actually been a blast living together and I can''t wait to do it for decades and decades more.

I really think everyone has valid reasons for choosing one over the other, and if you''re in a solid relationship and you have a solid grasp of what you are doing and where you want to go, then you''ll be fine.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 7/16/2009 3:51:27 PM
Author: LilyKat

Date: 7/16/2009 3:21:05 PM

Author: lucyandroger


I guess I just don''t understand this debate. Why do people feel the need to assert that their way of doing things is the way everyone else should do it? Who cares what other people do with their lives - everyone''s situation is soooo different.

Couldn''t agree with you more. Everyone''s different. Of all the things about someone else that could affect me, their living preferences rank pretty low on the list

Big ditto.

 

[ilovesparkles]

THANK YOU Musey and Freke. I would also just like to state, that the sales of apples are much higher during the same months as heightened criminal activity. Does this mean criminals eat apples, or you can link anything to everything with absolutely no relevance? I think the latter. You can also link any given reason to these statistics with no truth.

Causation does not equal correlation, I am pretty sure I never failed a single psych or statistics test by remembering this one fact.

 

[purplediamond]

hi musey-are you a sociology major? psychology?