Living with SO... easier in the beginning or over time?

[HeadOverHeels4James]

HAHA I have FF do that too!! For some reason he thinks the whole can needs to be used to cover his stench! haha We have 2 bathrooms which helps, but he uses the one by the entryway of our house so when you walk in it''s like a air freshener bomb went off!

 

[ash313]

Date: 7/21/2008 4:28:19 PM
Author: meresal
Bia and leeNY: Would either of you mind talking a little more about why it became so hard, how long you''d been living together when it started and how long it lasted? If you did anything to get past it... more time together, less time together? I''m trying to deal with some stuff and would appreciate any advice you have, since you''ve been here before.

Thanks!!

Sorry to hear you''re going through some things...that''s never easy.

I would be happy to elaborate. We had been living together for nearly two years, and, as I mentioned, we had both quit our jobs, moved to a new city and started graduate school. He is a law student, and we share a car, and I take our car to commute to another city for school. Essentially, the pressures of school got to be very overwhelming, and he started to really feel stressed. To compound that, his entire life consisted of classrooms, the library and our little apartment, with a desk right next to mine. He always felt confined, and wasn''t giving himself enough space to get his work done.

We had some long, difficult and at times hurtful discussions that weren''t over in a night. We took weeks and weeks to talk things through. I was ready to be engaged, he was questioning EVERYTHING, largely as a result of an intense school workload and a lack of coping mechanisms, and didn''t feel like he could make that decision at that point, and couldn''t tell me when he would be ready. After deciding that, yes, we do want to be together, we started making some changes. I would stay at school and work at the library to get things done and give him a bit of alone time at home to do work, we started having regular "date nights" where we actually left the house for awhile together, he would take the car out to a coffee shop on weekends to do homework, etc.

Because of the intensity of our workloads, it made it difficult.

This entire conversation forced me to ask myself some serious questions: why was I wanting to be engaged so badly, was being committed without the engagement enough for right now, etc., etc. Those were NOT easy questions to ask, and I relied heavily on supportive friends not for advice, but to listen to me and keep me honest to myself.

All in all, I decided I loved him and knew he loved me, and was not willing to give up what we had, especially during such a tumultuous and demanding time in our lives. By the time the spring rolled around and he had the hang of school and we were feeling much more settled, he brought up the engagement thing. I picked out a ring online with his help, emailed it to him, and am (not-so-patiently) waiting.

The one thing I learned was that I did not have to respond to his every whim. This seems complicated, but essentially I just really threw myself into my work, school, etc. and focused on ME. This gave him permission to focus on him and, through this process, we were able to thrive as an "us."

It was an incredible growth experience for us, and we don''t look back with fondness at that time, but are grateful for it. Experiencing this past year as a couple has done so much for us!

Good luck with whatever is happening in your life right now, and stay true to yourself.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

For us it was much harder at the beginning since we had to learn about each other''s idiosynchroses and learn more patience... It''s much easier now but I think as a general rule of thumb, relationships always go in circles. There are good times and bad times and things never stay constant.... so Meresal - if things are a bit rough now stay strong! They will get better - it''s just a matter of time!

 

[jcarlylew]

I''d say living with SO has made me become more reliant on myself (that sounds bad...). I was (still am, a bit) TERRIBLE with budgeting and being a packrat. Until boyf moved in. Now i have us on budget spread sheets, thrown away anything over 1 year old that holds less meaning to me, and down sized my bathroom accrutrements. Not to say that boyf is hopeless, but he''s just a guy used to living at his parents house

I think it was great for a few months and then got really hard - i to starting resenting becuase i was cooking, cleaning (though boyf did do dishes) and picking up after the dog ALL THE TIME - and working 2 jobs. Before i exploded i just told him that i''m sick of living in a mess and if its on the floor then you dont want it, and i''m throwing it out

Stuff is picked up now

Dockman - regarding the hair. Boyf said to me one day "so the bathtub was clogged and i cleaned it..."

Thats all he needed to say for me to remember to get a clogger stopper

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

It has unquestionably gotten easier over the years. Our 3rd month of living together, we had a huge blow up over my not liking Donny Darko. We realized if was not, of course about the movie, but our different attitudes.
I am a slob, plain and simple and he is tidy. It took a long time to work anything out because I truely didn''t see the mess and he didn''t see how I couldn''t. We eventually agreed places people can see are clean and places they can''t can be messy. He hates cleaning the bathroom and vacuuming, so I do that and he does the clutter and the kitcher, which I REALLY hate doing. We shift who does more chores (laundry, cooking, etc) by who is working more, so no one ever gets overwhelmed. But it took quite a while to get into that pattern.

I also do most of the bills because I am better at it and would rather do that then clean. This was a big one as he usually, but not always, makes more money, but he is simply not good with it. I am still trying to figure out where it all went when he managed it, but he knows I am better and it and hates dealing with it, so it works out.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

The UHaul truck showed up several times that first year, lol. It is all about territory and boundaries. Like that old adage about monkeys in a cage....

Anyways, it will get easier but you HAVE to communicate so some resolve can be found about the issue. Even if the resolve is to agree to disagree.

I'm telling ya, we had some doozies....I talking big, he moving out and we're done fights in that first 6 months to a year

1) Ketchup goes in pantry or fridge (same with butter)
2) Sleep with bedroom door open or closed
3) Quilt or down comforter
4) Dogs on furniture or not
5) Dishes in sink or dishwashers (still go around on this)
6) Towels left in floor
7) Excessive paper towel use (no I can't believe I am writing this)
Lid up down or completley closed.
9) Dish soap (in fact any detergent)
10) What goes down the disposal
11) Side of the bed
12) House temperature
13) Courtesy "I'm on my way"calls

All is well now that he realizes I'm always right and he can't win

(JOKE). It's about compromise.

Should start a thread on Stupid arguements!

 

[blondebunny]

I find that it got a lot easier.. At first I moved into his place, which was a HUGE 4 bd 3 bath 2 story house, he had the master downstairs while his 2 roomates has the upstairs( one moved out like a month after i moved him because he graduated, and the other stayed for a while until his parents made him move home because he couldnt pass remedial math....) anyways that was kinda hard having to do deal with his messy roommates and stuff...and we fought at first( we literally were only bf/gf for like a month before i moved him..dated maybe 2 months total..but my situation was really different... my brother committed suicide and my roommates(who were supposedly my 2 bffs....totally turned into witches..but thats another story.. anyways my SO didnt like me living him them because they were just hurting me even more and he couldnt stand it...so he offered to let me stay with him until I found a place...we went one day looking for places...and then never did again( he says he just didnt mention anything about it again because he loved living with me))...

ANyways at first we fought like normal new couples do, adjusting to being in a new relationship and living together...and it was bad bcuz when he gets mad he always uses analogies that are funny and i would just start laughing..and it wasnt funny...hehe...

anyways we''ve had our own place for like a year and 5 months now, and we love it. We adjusted through me working full time for a while, and school and stuff... But now I think its perfect...we cook dinner together (him usually meat) and me sides and dessert...

as far as cleaning...hahah we are both really strict with how we like to do our laundry and wont let each other do each others...and we try to split everything else...

BUT definitely gets easier!!

 

[Bia]

Date: 7/21/2008 4:28:19 PM
Author: meresal
Bia and leeNY: Would either of you mind talking a little more about why it became so hard, how long you''d been living together when it started and how long it lasted? If you did anything to get past it... more time together, less time together? I''m trying to deal with some stuff and would appreciate any advice you have, since you''ve been here before.

Thanks!!

Meresal: Our situation was unique. Initially we were long distance so when I moved to NY (his home state) I relied heavily on him. I was out of my element in a sense. When he bought his apartment, I started spending a lot of time with him and it was great (as I said, for the first two months), so he asked me to move in. At this time I had my own place and I wasnt ready to give that up just because he asked me to live with him. I started staying with him most of the time (went home to get mail, vacuum and thats about it!) and realized that issues that never came up were starting to surface. He wasn''t used to me all the time, just some of the time--when he would do something I didnt like and I ran my mouth, he couldn''t get used to it. Issues like his computer usage would come up (he plays internet chess and is always downloading music)--he would get defensive and then, HUGE fight..."this is my house, yada yada yada..." Where I would respond with "Well you wanted ME here!!! I''m leaving!...yada yada yada." It continued like this for a year. Finances came into question...he''s a saver, I am a spender. He would get upset at me for using credit cards and even went so far as to cut one up on me! We were fighting about our space, friends, food (he has very healthy eating habits and is organic/whole foods all the way) money...the worst was his saying "my place" whenever we fought. It got to the point that I decided I''d had enough and took a break from him. It just so happened that my cousin was getting married that summer and I had the perfect opportunity to flee for a few weeks. In that time, I reflected on our relationship. It wasnt the first time we had broken up (twice before, in the early days) but this time it was heartbreaking. He reached out to me and said it would be different. I missed him and realized I wanted to keep trying and we did. 3 months after we ended our "break" I gave up my apartment.

It still wasn''t easy but we had to learn to accept the other if we EVER wanted it to work. I had to accept him and give him space when he needs it. I will give you an example. He needs to unwind after work, so now, when he gets home he spends some time playing chess and I start dinner. When dinner is done and we sit down to eat, the computer goes off and we spend time together. Thats all he needed from me but I couldn''t see that in the beginning. Now most of the time, he doesn''t even need time to unwind...giving it to him is what he wants. He had to accept that sometimes I need total peace and quiet when I have to study for exams or when I have to write a paper--sometimes he uses those times to walk our pup or he''ll go for a run (or play more chess!!!) He had to also learn that I won''t always be perfect when it comes to eating habits, although he sees that I''ve made huge strides for him (really for me) and now, I enjoy eating healthy. He weaned me off Coca Cola and I was an addict!

What I am getting at is, we made compromises for eachother and then, something miraculous happened! We learned that we needed many of the same things, we just didn''t know how to communicate them effectively. Since we want to marry, we decided to seek counseling 6 months ago, to help us iron out some issues (COMMUNICATION is really key, its cliche but truthfully, the lack of it was almost entirely why we had such a hard time). We did it for 4 months and it helped immensely...its not for everyone, but for us, it was wonderful.

I hope this helped a bit. Good luck!

 

[missy]

It was very hard when we first moved in together. I had never lived with anyone before (besides my freshman college roomate) not counting up till I was 17 and living at home.

We dated for 4 years (I had never planned on marrying for some reason, not sure why but I had it in my head I wanted to be free and single LOL) and then Greg proposed out of the blue (it seemed to me) and I was stunned and terrified but I said yes. I made it a nice long engagement as I just wasn't ready yet. Anyway after 9 months of engagment I was ready but our wedding was planned for 3 months later in November so we eloped and then moved in to our new apt that we had just renovated and was ready the day we eloped!

(Still had the big wedding in Nov but my parents to this day will not talk to me about the elopement 3 months prior to the wedding

)

The beginning was tough for us as I was a very much a do it my way kind of person and used to living alone and not very good at compromising I think. But the good news is it got so much better and easier and it was the best decision I ever made! We have been married for 4 years now and each day it gets better. I am more in love with my husband now than ever and I loved him so much to begin with. I just couldn't imagine not living with him now and not having him in my life. I guess I am a slow starter though and that first year was tough (even though I loved him like crazy). We had some awful fights but for me/us it was a learning curve and today I still feel like we are newlyweds

. I hit the jackpot with my sweetie pie for sure but it just goes to show that just because you may have rough times when you first get married that does not mean you always will. I would say for most of the couples I know the beginning was the hardest.

 

[taovandel]

It''s gotten harder over time for me. Like many have said....the housework was the real issue (and putting wet items on the bed!!!)...I normally just hold it all in...but I finally just stopped doing the dishes and he got the hint real quick....

 

[Pandora II]

It was super-easy for us at the beginning and still is now.

We're both mid-30s so are used to living alone, with flatmates and in my case with 3 exes. It was obvious very quickly how effortlessly comfortable we were together - hence why we're getting married!

We have a cleaning lady so the potential arguments about my lack of domestic goddess gene haven't come-up!

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 7/21/2008 6:22:33 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone


7) Excessive paper towel use (no I can''t believe I am writing this)

Oh my word. ME TOO. Not only does he use what seems like a trillion paper towels a day, but he had this habit (and sometimes still does) where he leaves them wadded on the counter because he "may re use them later once they dry" and therefor conserve, but of course he NEVER does. So, for many This has been the source of many lapses into immature flip outs for me.

As I mentioned in your other thread DH and I did not live together before marriage, but we dated for 5 and a half years, lived only a few miles apart, saw each other nearly every day, vacationed with each other''s families and on our own, and all that good stuff, so we were pretty familiar with each other''s habits. We''re both pretty laid back. Not much bothers either of us (but when something does, watch out!) We discussed potential issues before hand (the foreseeable ones anyway). Even so, combining dwellings has been an adjustment. We''ve been married for a little bit over a year. At first of course it was SUPER easy because it was so new. Then it got tricky because we didn''t see eye to eye on things or forgot to honor the agreements we had come to. He just wanted to live like a boy in a dorm, and I wanted everything immaculate (well my version of it).We have since settled on organized chaos. MOST of the things we did that rubbed each other the wrong way have been worked out. Now, he tries to remember to pick up after himself, to sort the laundry, to keep things neat. He isn''t perfect yet, but it''ll be alright. I try to remember not to gripe or nag or flip out when a simple reminder would do and when praise of things done wonderfully is more effective anyway. I''m not perfect yet, but it''ll be alright.

Of course a lot of the adjustments were complicated by issues with the house. We have had 2 floods in one year due to pluming issues (There are actually people ripping up my kitchen floor right this moment to fix the water damage). Set backs like that are really stressful and made it even more difficult to achieve organization and a scheduled cleaning routine. I think it would have been MUCH easier to find our groove as far as living habits go if it hadn''t been for that sort of thing.
Anyway, as I said, things do get easy, especially if you do this:

Discuss expectations of how the home will be run BEFORE hand. Make a list of things you are a stickler about, and have him do the same. It''ll save a lot of grief later. OF course you may not even realize what you are a stickler about until it comes right down to it.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

I''m in the "gets easier" camp.

I''m a control freak (I believed I''ve mentioned this) and over time my SO has learned my "rules." He basically knows not to even attempt to load the dishwasher anymore.

At the same time, I''m so much more clutter-free now. (I said I''m a ''control freak'', not a ''neat freak''). It''s amazing that I can live with 400 old receipts in my purse, yet if the soup can lables aren''t all facing the same direction in the cupboard, all hell breaks loose.