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LIWs - question for you!

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LaurenThePartier

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I''m a member of a very male dominated forum, and there is a debate right now about long term relationships and what to do when your GF is elated to get married, but you just don''t see marrying HER, and probably won''t ever want to marry her.

Put in the position of the girlfriend, what would you want your SO to do?

1. Continue to pretend like he wants to get married to you.

2. Tell you he doesn''t feel like he wants to get married, and doesn''t know if he ever will.

3. Other?
 
Please tell me! I''d rather deal with the heartache of hearing that news as opposed to being filled with false hopes ESPECIALLY if I am old enough to feel like my clock is ticking and ESPECIALLY if the man knows he will one day get married - just not to me. If you have zero intentions of marrying ME in particular, I am going to feel as though I am a source of entertainment to you or (ahem) other pleasures. However, if you have zero intentions of ever getting married period and it isn''t just a case of you not wanting to marry me, it should be up to me if I want to continue in the same relationship or not.
 
OOOhhh - thats a toughy!

I would want to know that he wasn''t sure he wanted to get married AT ALL or whether he didn''t envisage himself getting married to ME. If he wanted to be with me for teh rest of his life but just didn''t want to get married then maybe we could work something out, BUT if he didn''t see his future with me then at least I would know and could walk away and plan my future for me.

I would also hope he would have enough respect for me to be able to tell me the truth rather than just carrying on as if everything is ok
 
Oh man--I''d want to know! I''d rather be able to cut my losses and leave if marriage was something that was really important to me. I also hate being led on, though, and prefer bluntness.
 
Date: 6/23/2008 1:43:49 PM
Author: Keepingthefaith21
Please tell me! I''d rather deal with the heartache of hearing that news as opposed to being filled with false hopes ESPECIALLY if I am old enough to feel like my clock is ticking and ESPECIALLY if the man knows he will one day get married - just not to me. If you have zero intentions of marrying ME in particular, I am going to feel as though I am a source of entertainment to you or (ahem) other pleasures. However, if you have zero intentions of ever getting married period and it isn''t just a case of you not wanting to marry me, it should be up to me if I want to continue in the same relationship or not.
OMG...I am with KTF! PLEASE, PLEASE, OH PLEASE TELL ME! The heartache I can get over, but wasted time? I can''t ever get that back. I would never want to be kept in the dark just to put off the inevitable...denial is not a good look.
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i would definitely want to know. i think a 100% honesty policy is often a good idea and then he would be putting the ball in my park. I can choose how important marriage is to me vs. him and our relationship and make the best choices for myself. I do think though that many women would choose not to hear what he was saying anyways and live as though he would eventually change his mind...
 
What if he "really loves her", but at 23, he just can't possibly see himself marrying her?

He's tormented because he doesn't want to break her heart.
 
Date: 6/23/2008 1:55:15 PM
Author: smiles
i would definitely want to know. i think a 100% honesty policy is often a good idea and then he would be putting the ball in my park. I can choose how important marriage is to me vs. him and our relationship and make the best choices for myself. I do think though that many women would choose not to hear what he was saying anyways and live as though he would eventually change his mind...
Absolutely. I''m with you 100% on this one.
 
Can''t see himself marrying her now (in the near future), OR EVER? If he can''t see himself marrying her ever, let the girl know...especially if she is already (maybe presumptuously) planning their wedding and imagining what their babies will look like.

Some girls know right away...I wasn''t one of them.
 
Date: 6/23/2008 1:58:17 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
What if he ''really loves her'', but at 23, he just can''t possibly see himself marrying her?

He''s tormented because he doesn''t want to break her heart.
I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that she has been pressuring him a little bit...

I think he needs to explain to her why he can''t see himself marrying her. If it''s because he feels they are too young to make such a big decision or that at 23 he just isn''t ready to make such a big decision, it''s up to her to understand the situation at hand. All he can do is be honest with her. Explain to her that he does love her but that right now he just is not ready to get married.

However, if he just can''t see himself with her and it''s got nothing to do with feeling pressured to do something he is not ready to do he needs to deal with the fact that he IS going to hurt her. It''s a tough pill to swallow but if they want different things someone is going to end up even more hurt if they continue to "pretend".
 
Date: 6/23/2008 1:58:17 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
What if he ''really loves her'', but at 23, he just can''t possibly see himself marrying her?

He''s tormented because he doesn''t want to break her heart.
He''s gonna break her heart more when she finds out that she''s been led on all this time (a day, a month, doesn''t matter how much time).
 
Date: 6/23/2008 2:18:02 PM
Author: sunnyd

Date: 6/23/2008 1:58:17 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
What if he ''really loves her'', but at 23, he just can''t possibly see himself marrying her?

He''s tormented because he doesn''t want to break her heart.
He''s gonna break her heart more when she finds out that she''s been led on all this time (a day, a month, doesn''t matter how much time).
Totally agree. She''ll feel blindsided. Not to mention, she''ll have wasted a significant amount of time, emotion & energy -- all invested under false pretenses.

I''d much, much rather know that the person I was with didn''t see a real future for us. And actually, at 23 I was in a similar position. My ex and I were on dramatically different pages as far as the future was concerned (he wanted to live at home with his parents for three more years after we''d already been dating for a year-- no thanks!) so I left him.

And it was a huge blessing because now I am with THE one. I think it''s important to be honest about where you stand in a relationship so that the other person can make an informed decision about whether they want to stay.
 
OMG!!
Tell me (as harsh as that would be!)
 
Hate to be cheesy, but honesty is the best policy! ALWAYS!

Everyone deserves the truth, even if it sucks, and NO ONE likes to have their time wasted.

Tell him to grow a pair and fess up -- whether its not wanting to marry her now, or ever. Every minute he doesnt tell her his feelings, he''s only hurting her more.
 
100% tell her the truth!

If he thinks he''ll never be ready or willing to marry HER then he''s going to break her heart at some point and stringing her along is just cruel. It will be hard to do but it really is for the best so that both of them can get back out there and find "the one."
 
Date: 6/23/2008 1:58:17 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
What if he ''really loves her'', but at 23, he just can''t possibly see himself marrying her?


He''s tormented because he doesn''t want to break her heart.

He needs to tell her this. This actually pretty much just happened to me, I''m 23, exbf is 24 and he told me he doesn''t know if he ever wants to get married. After a while I started to realize that I think he just doesn''t want to marry me and I did a lot of internal soul searching and realized that we just aren''t right for each other. If he was still pretending to want to marry me someday I would be living a lie and wasting my time.

This way, we are still friends and as hard as the break was, we both know its what was best for us. I would, honestly, not ever want it any other way. That woman deserves to know what he is thinking and deserves a chance to find somebody who wants to marry her. It will hurt much more later to find out he never wanted to marry her than it will to hear it now. Just my .02
 
Date: 6/23/2008 3:06:44 PM
Author: thedreamer

Date: 6/23/2008 1:58:17 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
What if he ''really loves her'', but at 23, he just can''t possibly see himself marrying her?


He''s tormented because he doesn''t want to break her heart.

He needs to tell her this. This actually pretty much just happened to me, I''m 23, exbf is 24 and he told me he doesn''t know if he ever wants to get married. After a while I started to realize that I think he just doesn''t want to marry me and I did a lot of internal soul searching and realized that we just aren''t right for each other. If he was still pretending to want to marry me someday I would be living a lie and wasting my time.

This way, we are still friends and as hard as the break was, we both know its what was best for us. I would, honestly, not ever want it any other way. That woman deserves to know what he is thinking and deserves a chance to find somebody who wants to marry her. It will hurt much more later to find out he never wanted to marry her than it will to hear it now. Just my .02
Thanks for your comments, ladies! I appreciate your candor.
 
How many times have we seen the situation where the guy lived with some poor girl for a long time and kept saying he just couldn''t get married, while she hung on and hung on, in false hope? Then the very next gal he meets, he marries in a year? Yeah
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It''s not that they don''t want to get married. It''s that they don''t want to marry THAT girl. Then they keep it to themselves for one of two reasons. They really don''t want to cause the pain & deal with the recriminations, or, they really like having her around - just not as a wife (sex, companionship, etc.).

Guys on the internet aren''t really looking for a woman to tell them the right thing. They already know it''s best to be honest. They just want you to give them a magic pill that provides a way to keep her around, or dump her without any whining.
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Tell me for sure. It is completely rude to just lead a person on like that. Especially if he knows I want to get married.

That's just wrong.
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Date: 6/23/2008 3:13:03 PM
Author: purrfectpear
How many times have we seen the situation where the guy lived with some poor girl for a long time and kept saying he just couldn''t get married, while she hung on and hung on, in false hope? Then the very next gal he meets, he marries in a year? Yeah
29.gif


It''s not that they don''t want to get married. It''s that they don''t want to marry THAT girl. Then they keep it to themselves for one of two reasons. They really don''t want to cause the pain & deal with the recriminations, or, they really like having her around - just not as a wife (sex, companionship, etc.).

Guys on the internet aren''t really looking for a woman to tell them the right thing. They already know it''s best to be honest. They just want you to give them a magic pill that provides a way to keep her around, or dump her without any whining.
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Got yourself an AMEN!
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Date: 6/23/2008 1:58:17 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
What if he ''really loves her'', but at 23, he just can''t possibly see himself marrying her?

He''s tormented because he doesn''t want to break her heart.
He''s going to break her heart regardless. If he waits longer to do it he will have wasted more of her time on top of breaking her heart.
 
Absolutely, no question, tell her. Having come straight from a situation like this, I wish my ex had had the cajones to come out and tell me earlier, instead of leading me on thinking that was where it was headed. Ugh it makes me sick to think about it. Tell her!!!!
 
He''s going to hurt her. He just is. So it''s better to do it like a band-aid, and just get it over with.

He doesn''t necessarily tell her he can''t see himself marrying her, though I do agree honesty is best. He could leave it at, "I don''t think we''re headed to the same place in life, and I think we both deserve to find happiness, so it''s best that this ends and we can get on with looking for it." (Ok, so I''ve always been the dump-ee, but I think that would be a softer way of putting things.)

However, he needs to leave her with NO DOUBT that they are done. He can''t let her think that things could ever start up again, because that is just too much torment. So for that, maybe it is best to go with the "I just don''t see myself marrying you" line.

Best of luck to the guy. This is a rough situation.
 
Date: 6/23/2008 3:13:03 PM
Author: purrfectpear
How many times have we seen the situation where the guy lived with some poor girl for a long time and kept saying he just couldn''t get married, while she hung on and hung on, in false hope? Then the very next gal he meets, he marries in a year? Yeah
29.gif


It''s not that they don''t want to get married. It''s that they don''t want to marry THAT girl. Then they keep it to themselves for one of two reasons. They really don''t want to cause the pain & deal with the recriminations, or, they really like having her around - just not as a wife (sex, companionship, etc.).

Guys on the internet aren''t really looking for a woman to tell them the right thing. They already know it''s best to be honest. They just want you to give them a magic pill that provides a way to keep her around, or dump her without any whining.
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You''d be surprised at the responses - it''s about 75/25, with the TELL HERs winning.
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They know there''s no way around the fact that he needs to be honest with her, but he doesn''t want to look like the bad guy. I''m reminded of so many past LIWs stories when I see threads like that, that I wanted to get a concensus with women who have a brain. Thank you for providing me with some female intelligence, ladies!
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Of COURSE tell her. How could it be anything else?
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The illustrious Dumbledore''s words seem appropriate: "Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy." I think this guy is looking for validation to take the easy way out.
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Date: 6/23/2008 5:19:58 PM
Author: gwendolyn
Of COURSE tell her. How could it be anything else?
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The illustrious Dumbledore''s words seem appropriate: ''Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.'' I think this guy is looking for validation to take the easy way out.
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gwen I love that you quoted HP best book series ever and DD was and is one of my faves.

I would rather know so I could cut ties and move on to someone that loved me and wanted the things I wanted
 
I''m sure you''ve already delt with this however here are my thoughts:

When I was 22 my boyfriend at the time told me that he didn''t ever see himself getting married. Truth is that I didn''t see myself marring him. I thought it was selfish for me to keep that to myself and without flat out saying that we came to the conclusion together that we weren''t met for eachother.

If he really loves the girl then he should tell her.
 
I was in this position with my ex when i was 21... he siad ''He wasn''t sure... and maybe he would change" I let him ruin the next 2 yrs of my life, and later found out that he never saw himself with me, but didn''t want to break my heart.

TELL HER, TELL HER, TELL HER!!! If he really cares about her, he needs to STOP LEADING HER ON!!! She will cry for a few months, but he needs to realize that months are better than years.
 
2. Honesty is always the best policy.
 
Tell her tell her tell her! Ugh, I don''t know why he wouldn''t!
 
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