LIWs, what are your feelings on recycled diamonds?

[lulu]

If DH gave me a three carat AVC I wouldn't care if he had taken it off Satan's hoof.

 

[4ever]

If DH gave me a three carat AVC I wouldn't care if he had taken it off Satan's hoof.

Agreed

 

[afreebird]

If DH gave me a three carat AVC I wouldn't care if he had taken it off Satan's hoof.

Ditto! There is not a sentimental bone in my body when it comes to diamonds.

 

[princesss]

Pondering this subject a bit more this afternoon; it made me a bit disturbed to realize how the diamond industry has managed to comprehensively tie such deep meaning and superstition to a thing. To a little shiny rock. The DeBeers marketing campaign has really done a number on us, and many women (and men, too!) have such similar feelings of it being a bit tasteless to recycle a diamond from one relationship to the other. Oh, and by the way, why don't you pony up another $10k for your new intended because you have to out-do the last ring, and you can't reuse this "investment" just sitting there collecting dust because of those icky feelings associated with it.

If my husband has a couch, or a car, or a TV he bought with his ex, I'm not going to think of her every time I sit, ride, or watch it because at the end of the day, I'm the one enjoying it; so why should this inanimate object be so intrinsically different?

I think it depends on how you see/value gifts.

Have you ever taken the 5 Love Languages test? I ranked really high in gifts. I like gifts, anybody could tell you that. But what I really love about gifts is that the person took the time and thought of me while I wasn't around, and picked out something special for me. To me, it's an act of love to think of a person while you're away from them and pick up something small (or big, I never say no to big!) because you know it will make them smile. So for me, getting a BIG gift that was originally meant for somebody else would be incredibly hurtful. It would be saying that they valued the ex highly enough to go through the effort of picking out something special for them, but they don't value me the same way.

I like the idea of holding onto the stone until he finds The One, and then having an honest conversation with her about it. If she's like me and wants him to sell it/exchange it/do whatever, then they can do that. If she doesn't feel the way I do, awesome. He's just saved mega bucks. I would hesitate to sell it now, esp. since diamonds are small and easy to store.

 

[iugurl]

If DH gave me a three carat AVC I wouldn't care if he had taken it off Satan's hoof.

Awesome!! I agree! I think that, since he does not need the money, just put the diamond in the safe. Forget about until 1. You meet someone who you are considering asking to marry or 2. Desperately need $
If he gets serious with a girl, I think he should be upfront. Simply say I have a 1.86 AGS0, from a previous relationship. I have no feelings at all towards this diamond. Unfortunately, my financial situation has changed since I purchases this ring. I can either give it to you, in a different setting; or I can sell it and use the money for a MUCH smaller diamond. Probably around a .75. Let her decide. Hopefully, she will take the big diamond. Otherwise, he will be losing a lot of money AND since it is a lot smaller, may or may not wish for an upgrade in the future (which she might not have wanted if she had the bigger rock?)

I have a lot of hard feelings towards my husbands previous wife. She cheated on him, among other things. BUT, had I been presented such a situation, I would have picked the bigger diamond. I love diamonds. I still may feel resentful towards her, but I would not feel resentful of the diamond.

 

[iugurl]

So for me, getting a BIG gift that was originally meant for somebody else would be incredibly hurtful. It would be saying that they valued the ex highly enough to go through the effort of picking out something special for them, but they don't value me the same way.

I just saw this. That is why it is so tough, because apparently some people put so much value into diamonds. I would not feel that way. He is not lacking the effort/motivation/desire to get something that you would LOVE. But rather, lacks the money to get something as large as you may dream! He is still going to pick out a very special setting for the diamond... But again, each person is so different. He will not know what his possible future girlfriend will want, until he asks!

 

[Tuckins1]

I would recycle it. Hopefully he will end up with a girl who is down to earth and can see the value in such a thing.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

A week before I met my now husband he sold the 1.2ct E vvs1 round brilliant back to the jeweler after his engagement fell apart 6 months prior. When the time came for us to get engaged he regretted selling it (and so did I) It wouldn't have bothered me to have that stone in a different setting. As it stands I wear her platinum channel set wedding band as a right hand ring, they were never married and she never wore it so I thought, why not? It's just a ring, it's only symbolic If you let it be.

If I were in your friends situation, I would hold on to it and if the time ever came I would give my intended the option to have that stone in a new setting or to sell it to fund a new one.

 

[FrekeChild]

Totally recycle and let the future her make the decision.

I like the idea about trading it in for a 1.5ct though, if that would work.

 

[princesss]

So for me, getting a BIG gift that was originally meant for somebody else would be incredibly hurtful. It would be saying that they valued the ex highly enough to go through the effort of picking out something special for them, but they don't value me the same way.

I just saw this. That is why it is so tough, because apparently some people put so much value into diamonds. I would not feel that way. He is not lacking the effort/motivation/desire to get something that you would LOVE. But rather, lacks the money to get something as large as you may dream! He is still going to pick out a very special setting for the diamond... But again, each person is so different. He will not know what his possible future girlfriend will want, until he asks!

I just want to clarify that I don't just feel this way about diamonds. I would feel like this about ANY gift that he originally gave her that he was recycling for me.

 

[Pandora II]

Send it off for a re-polish...

Ta dah, new diamond...

My father gave my mother the ring he proposed to his first fiancee as a first anniversary present. It's a lot nicer than my mother's e-ring (which she picked out herself) and now she wears the other as her e-ring all the time.

I would have wanted my own e-ring because I wanted a coloured stone not a diamond, but if I had the chance of a diamond that size and to design/choose the setting or a much smaller diamond then I would overlook the history like a shot (might want to get a repolish though just for superstition's sake).

 

[MayFlowers]

I would wait and let her decide.

 

[Bunny007]

If DH gave me a three carat AVC I wouldn't care if he had taken it off Satan's hoof.

Lol, well put. My knee jerk reaction was, helllll no. But I think after a moment's thought, I'd be fine with resetting it.

 

[chemgirl]

I think it really depends on the future girlfriend, so its probably best to hold on to it.

Really, I first thought it would be totally fine to recycle the ring since its not logical to waste 5K by selling it. However, a while ago I found DH's ex's ring at the bottom of one of his boxes while we were unpacking and it gave me a horribly icky feeling to see it. I didn't think it would bother me, but it really did. It had nothing to do with the value of the ring or how nice it was or anything, it just reminded me that he pictured his life with somebody else, and I don't like to think about that!

 

[betty6333]

I would recommend he keep it( diamond only) , and wait till he finds the right girl. chances are if he trades it in they will resell it as new anyway! jewelers dont disclose if it was an upgraded diamond, and who knows, it could have been worn and returned before anyway!

the ring though, NO way! hopefully he didnt spend too much on a setting, I would never want a setting from a previous proposal! I have bought rings off ebay before, and I have always gotten rid of the setting, and kept the center stone. the setting was someone elses and in my mind carries the mojo of the previous owner... the diamond however... free and clear of bad mojo and is just as good as new as long as it is in my setting!

 

[amc80]

If my husband has a couch, or a car, or a TV he bought with his ex, I'm not going to think of her every time I sit, ride, or watch it because at the end of the day, I'm the one enjoying it; so why should this inanimate object be so intrinsically different?

Because he didn't buy the tv or couch as a symbol of his undying love and commitment to her and their relationship.

 

[iugurl]

Some people buy cars as a gift, to show their "undying love." I don't mean to be argumentative, but I do know people who have bought a car either pre-engagement or post-engagement as a symbol of love.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Some people buy cars as a gift, to show their "undying love." I don't mean to be argumentative, but I do know people who have bought a car either pre-engagement or post-engagement as a symbol of love.

Iugurl101, as a matter of fact, I was one of those women who bought her husband an engagement car, actually.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

I just got my fiance an engagement TV, so would have have to sell it if we broke up?

 

[LaurenThePartier]

I think we're also missing a huge component of the puzzle, and I questioned him further today. He's been burned by this woman who he was convinced he would spend the rest of his life with.

So, I've shown him the thread, and he thanks you for all of your comments. He said "How enlightening" once he got through it.

For all practical purposes, he feels that diamonds and jewelry are a total waste of money, especially given what he's dealing with now, and he's so angry at himself for spending so much money on this "once in a lifetime" ring. He mentioned that even if he could afford it in the future, there's absolutely no way he would ever spend more than $3k - $4k on a ring again.

I think he's going to end up keeping the diamond, but perhaps have it re-polished, ala Pandora's suggestions and sent off to AGS for recertification once he has that done. Obviously, it's going to languish in his safe deposit box until he one day meets someone else he deems worthy of marrying, but he also mentioned that he will tell all future GFs about the existing diamond and use it as a litmus test. He's already decided that an impractical woman isn't one he's interested in marrying. Just thought I'd pass that bit of information along because I know he's too chicken to post in this thread now, and this is not a unique sentiment across men I've known who have been through similar broken engagements.

 

[blacksand]

I'm glad he's made a decision that he's happy with, and I'm sorry he's been so hurt.

I do have to admit I'm a little insulted that those of us who do not want to be given a gift that was chosen for another woman are being painted as impratical, not down to earth, etc. I, for one, would rather not receive any diamond, or any other gift, than receive something my boyfriend picked out with love for his ex. I'll take no diamond, just the boyfriend, please. No gifts at all is about as practical as it gets. But to each his own.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

I'm glad he's made a decision that he's happy with, and I'm sorry he's been so hurt.

I do have to admit I'm a little insulted that those of us who do not want to be given a gift that was chosen for another woman are being painted as impratical, not down to earth, etc. I, for one, would rather not receive any diamond, or any other gift, than receive something my boyfriend picked out with love for his ex. I'll take no diamond, just the boyfriend, please. No gifts at all is about as practical as it gets. But to each his own.

Blacksand, I'm sorry if the post offended you. I should have quoted the "impractical" part of that post as it's directly taken from the mouth of my friend, and not at all my words or feelings. But, it's something I've noticed as being fairly common with men I know who have been left in the aftermath with a ring to sell.

 

[princesss]

I'm glad he's made a decision that he's happy with, and I'm sorry he's been so hurt.

I do have to admit I'm a little insulted that those of us who do not want to be given a gift that was chosen for another woman are being painted as impratical, not down to earth, etc. I, for one, would rather not receive any diamond, or any other gift, than receive something my boyfriend picked out with love for his ex. I'll take no diamond, just the boyfriend, please. No gifts at all is about as practical as it gets. But to each his own.

I was kind of insulted by his choice of words, too, but at the end of the day a guy that doesn't understand me or considers things that are important to me "impractical" isn't the kind of guy I'd want to end up with, either. It's probably best for all parties that he use his litmus test, and leave the girls who are a little more sentimental than practical to guys that understand and respect that.

I get being hurt and feeling burned, but I hope that someday your friend falls head over heels for a girl and wants to give her the best of everything again - if he goes into every potential relationship carrying around the memory of the woman that hurt him and judging the new woman based onthe old one, he's in for a lot more pain. I hope with time the memory of this whole thing fades until it doesn't hurt him anymore.

 

[blacksand]

I get being hurt and feeling burned, but I hope that someday your friend falls head over heels for a girl and wants to give her the best of everything again - if he goes into every potential relationship carrying around the memory of the woman that hurt him and judging the new woman based onthe old one, he's in for a lot more pain.

This. He is currently planning his life with a future girlfriend based on his experience with his ex. I think, with what he's going through right now, that it is hard for him to see it any other way. But I hope that, when he finds someone he really cares about, he will care less about what he feels is "pratical," and more about what is right for her and for that new relationship. The ex has nothing to do with it.

Lauren, I'm sorry if I overreacted; I realize those were not your words.

 

[slg47]

ok, I actually see NOTHING WRONG with that. Because...it isn't PRACTICAL to waste thousands of dollars. He's getting it repolished, and recerted-essentially new diamond! Also, as I mentioned before, any woman who would come close to marrying him would probably know his relationship history, and would have to be OK with the fact that he was engaged once before.

just my opinion. also, if the girl really wants a different shape, perhaps the diamond could be recut (would lose a lot of carat weight but still might be cheaper in the long run?)

 

[iugurl]

I agree with slg47. It isn't practical. It would be one thing if he could sell it for 90%-100% of what he paid for it. But that is not going to happen. He would lose thousands and thousands of dollars. Surely, even those who would not want an ex's diamond EVER, in any circumstance, would have to agree that it is NOT practical to lose thousands of dollars on a diamond, then use the little money that you got back from it to purchase a much smaller diamond. I am not saying it is wrong to feel that strongly about this scenario, but no matter your feelings its not practical.

 

[princesss]

Ha, very true. It isn't practical. I guess I was reacting more to the implications - that it's not worth it to get serious with an impractical girl (on this matter at least), like we're "less than" somehow. Which is silly, because it's all just personal preference. I do feel bad for this guy - getting your heart stomped on sucks in general, but by the person you loved/trusted enough to decide to spend the rest of your life with? Man, I can't even imagine how much that would hurt.

 

[Amys Bling]

I think that he should start the next engagment out being completely honest and letting her decide. "listen, in thinking about rings/engagment I wanted to ask your opinion. I have a 1.86 (I think...can't remember from the OP) ct stone from a failed engagement. If i were to sell it and get another stone, I would reasonably only be able to afford around a .75-.83 ct stone. what would you prefer? I want you to be happy and I want this to be a ring you love and take pride in wearing. If I were to proposed with the 1.86 stone I would certianly make the ring "ours" by changing the setting to soemthing that symbolizes "us" and our committment, but I wanted you to be happy with the ring and the decision.

that way he keeps it for now and can sell or use it depending on her feelings. I think I would prefer that to him proposing to me with the diamond from his first engagement without telling me about the stone first-

 

[should i be here]

I think that he should start the next engagment out being completely honest and letting her decide. "listen, in thinking about rings/engagment I wanted to ask your opinion. I have a 1.86 (I think...can't remember from the OP) ct stone from a failed engagement. If i were to sell it and get another stone, I would reasonably only be able to afford around a .75-.83 ct stone. what would you prefer? I want you to be happy and I want this to be a ring you love and take pride in wearing. If I were to proposed with the 1.86 stone I would certianly make the ring "ours" by changing the setting to soemthing that symbolizes "us" and our committment, but I wanted you to be happy with the ring and the decision.

that way he keeps it for now and can sell or use it depending on her feelings. I think I would prefer that to him proposing to me with the diamond from his first engagement without telling me about the stone first-

Definitely. Just be upfront. The girl may not care a bit. Or she might want a smaller but different stone. You never know.

 

[sphenequeen]

I think we're also missing a huge component of the puzzle, and I questioned him further today. He's been burned by this woman who he was convinced he would spend the rest of his life with.

So, I've shown him the thread, and he thanks you for all of your comments. He said "How enlightening" once he got through it.

For all practical purposes, he feels that diamonds and jewelry are a total waste of money, especially given what he's dealing with now, and he's so angry at himself for spending so much money on this "once in a lifetime" ring. He mentioned that even if he could afford it in the future, there's absolutely no way he would ever spend more than $3k - $4k on a ring again.

I think he's going to end up keeping the diamond, but perhaps have it re-polished, ala Pandora's suggestions and sent off to AGS for recertification once he has that done. Obviously, it's going to languish in his safe deposit box until he one day meets someone else he deems worthy of marrying, but he also mentioned that he will tell all future GFs about the existing diamond and use it as a litmus test. He's already decided that an impractical woman isn't one he's interested in marrying. Just thought I'd pass that bit of information along because I know he's too chicken to post in this thread now, and this is not a unique sentiment across men I've known who have been through similar broken engagements.

This is a very enlightening thread! When I first read the thread topic, I thought to myself, "of course I would wear a recycled diamond!" But this is when I thought the thread was about heirloom or vintage diamonds.

I have to say that I feel that it is hard to speak in "practical" terms when you are dealing with something as emotionally charged and symbolic as an engagement ring. I know that Lauren pointed out that De Beers has placed major importance on our rings, but I have to tell you, I was engaged/married with a simple band of gold, and I would not take to kindly if it was ever worn by another woman. I would wager that most women fall into that category.

Being that someone was burned in this scenario, it is natural to want to lose as little as possible in the outcome - a repolish is not a bad idea, but it is only a short term solution to a long term hypothetical situation.