Long distant engagement STRESS

[zhuzhu]

I think my engagement is suffering because of the long distance relationship stress and was wondering if anyone else has experienced such. I live in the east coast and he is in CA. Though we have been engaged 9 months, there is no real progression (and desire from my part) to plan the wedding. It is not because we don't love each other anymore, but I think engagement "changes the equation" in terms of the effort pouring in to make the relationship work - I think he feels no need to "pursue me" as his fiance.

In addition I am very busy finishing up my doctoral dissertation while he is getting his two business ideas off the ground running, so we barely have energy/time to discuss the future. I already received two post-doc job offers from two CA universitied and I am definately moving to CA early 2007. The question is if I were to make this life change desicion partly because of this engagement, shouldn't I feel more "excited" about the prospect of marrying him? Why do I feel so much more stress over joy at this point? Sorry to ramble on like this and thanks for listening!

 

[Malaysianchix]

zhuzhu...
I think u have to tell and discuss your feelings with your fiance. Let him know what you feel.

 

[Clarygrace]

Right now you have a lot of stress in yr life working on your dissertation and he''s working on building a business. Both are steps toward the future, hopefully together. Not having FI near you is taking it''s toll as well. Definitely have a heart to heart w/FI about it and start talking about the future with him. Depending on how that conversation goes, you will have a better understanding of what you both desire going forward. Good luck and congrats on yr. PhD!

 

[VRBeauty]

I don't have any insights into long-distance engagements, but plenty in the areas of work and school stress. Personally I'm not so sure that you need to be worried about your (collective) lack of interest at this time in preparing for a wedding. When you're under the kind of pressure that both you and your fiance are facing, it's not unusual for something to be put on the back burner. I'd suggest that you talk with your sweetie regularly and reassure yourselves that you're both still working towards a goal of marriage. Try to look out into the future and identify a timeframe, and steps you cn take to get there, and then give yourselves permission to focus on the issues at hand.

From what you've described, however, you're looking at job-related stress for quite awhile into the future. Once you get your PhD you'll be starting a job that requires a high level of committment (and probably involves a very competative environment); your DF will probably have to commit lots of time to his start-up business for several years. You may need to scale your marriage to these realities, and/or call in help in the form of family/friends or a professional planner.

 

[kcoursolle]

Oh hun, long distance is hard, so hard. I feel for you. I am also currently working on my PhD and fi and I did long distance for about one year (CA-Midwest) before he moved out here. We didn''t get engaged until he moved out here, but that was hard too. Wanting to be with someone, to stop prolonging the engagement, etc. When he got here everything was so much better. If you can get through the wedding planning and being apart, the wedding, your new life together will really be worth it. I''m planning long distance since the wedding will be in the midwest and I''m in CA and I''m delegating a lot of tasks to friends and family. If you are really feeling not up to the task perhaps your family can help you out more. This took a lot of stress off of me since I have enough to worry about with field exams and my dissertation proposal.

 

[basil]

I''m currently in a long-distance relationship with my fiance, though not as far - PA to RI. It''s hard. It''s really hard.

How often to you see each other?

It''s hard to tell from your post whether you are unexcited about the prospect of planning a wedding, or you are unexcited about the prospect of being with him. If it''s the former, than that''s very understandable. Sounds like you have a lot on your mind, and it probably makes sense to hold off on the planning until you have more time to devote to it. If it''s the latter, then I would wonder if you would feel the same way if you spent more time together. Do you think if you saw him frequently, you would feel less apathetic? Are you excited about moving to CA at all?

 

[zhuzhu]

Oh it is so complicated. I thinkt the stress of dissertation/defense this december and his unavailable emotional support (not due to his fault, but rather due to his 20-hour work day) triggers my resentment of this "engagement". It is just not what an engagement should be like in my mind. I constantly feel I am the last item on his priority list and feel like I am being taken for granted by him.
I am very excited about moving to CA, but mostly for the really great posdoctoral offers. I feel I need to postpone the wedding until we are at the same page in terms of the readiness for the next steps. I can not easily talk to him about this right now because my feelings "stree him out" and he takes it personally - as me not being understanding of HIS stress. I feel like I am driving around in circles....

 

[diamondfan]

zhu, iy is hard to give comments when you alone know whether or not your feelings are from the physical distance or something else. Since we do not know much about your relationship, I think it is something only you can answer. A generalization might be that this lack of enthusiasm is telling you something. Or, you could simply be someone who is not big on planning things and just feel lost til you can be in the same place together. It is really hard to know the ins and outs of your situation. I feel for you and think long distance can take a toll on people, so I hope you guys can get through this and find the excitement and anticipation...

 

[basil]

People handle stress in different ways. Some people shut everything else in their lives out so that they can focus (sounds like maybe your fiance is like this).. Some people, such as myself, need constant reassurance (i.e. I call my fiance all the time when I''m stressed so he can tell me things will be fine - luckily, he tolerates it!) He''s probably not going to change his coping patterns. If he is emotionally unavailable now due to work stress now, then that probably won''t change if you''re in CA, or 5 years from now, or when he''s 50. And if he chooses a profession where he is stressed a lot of the time...well, you get the idea. I think this is why so many doctors/lawyers/ceos/etc get divorced.

You need to have a time to discuss things and if it stresses him out to do it now, then ask him to plan for a time when he has say, an hour of free time. I think you need to see each other, too. When are you scheduled to see him next?

Ugh, this was sort of rambling and tained by the fact I''ve been at work for the past 26 hours...

 

[rainbowtrout]

So, maybe this is oversimplifying...


you're not Ms. Cheery because you are incredibly STRESSED OUT, and this has a tendancy to screw with people's emotions in varying ways...

Planning a wedding is a lot of freaking work, and I can totallly see why your mind would shy away from it right now. Makes total sense.

As for how to fix it--well, I would keep your eye on the ball until you move to CA, then maybe insist that you two get at least 20 mins of together time a day or the like where you can't fuss about work. You need an endpoint for the stress insanity past which you get over it and still make time for each other no matter how much you have on your plate...
Also, if I were you I would make a list of what has to be done for the wedding and split it right down the middle according to preferance. There's no reason you should have to plan the whole shebang yourself.


I am doing a two yr long distance engagement, one year Boston to Morocco, one year New York to Boston. This year is relatively relaxed academically (studying Arabic) but plenty stressful in its own way, next year I get to plan the wedding during my first year in grad school.

I can tell you I am happy about getting *married* but I haven't done a whit of the "nitty gritty" planning. So in that respect I'm with you.

 

[zhuzhu]

Thank you for the suggestions and kind words. I think the situation seems harder than it really is because I am so overwhelmed with all that's left to do for my degree. It's evident by my oversleep pattern (when I get depressed I oversleep). It is prob. not fair to blame my fiance for all the negativity I am feeling right now.

 

[kcoursolle]

This is a little unrelated, but I also get very stressed out working on my PhD. One tip that really really helps me deal with stress and to be nicer to my fi when I''m frustrated with school is to WORK OUT!! It''s hard to make the time to do it, but I find I sleep better, sleep less, and my work is more productive, so it definitely pays off for me to take the time to work out. Even a 20 min walk can really help.

 

[poptart]

My husband and I were in a long distance relationship for about a year before we got married. It is really hard, and speaking from personal experience of course, maybe part of the reason you aren''t wanting to plan anything is because you are just so stressed out about school and not being able to see you fiance very often. That is exactly what happened to me. It''s hard to plan for the future when you feel that this person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with is never around. But if the two of you can maybe take a week off and plan to see each other it may help a lot. I went and visited my then fiance every few months, and we were about as far away as the two of your are. It can work, but the most important thing is that you talk as much as possible. You need to tell him how you feel because if you don''t, you are going to start resenting the situation the two of you are in, and that won''t help move things along. Lots of people think that long distance relationships can''t work, but the truth is you just have to put a little more work in it. As much as I hated being away from him, it ulitimately helped our relationship and now I understand how wonderful every moment we spend together is and I don''t stress about little things or take time with him for granted. So talk with your fiance and then use this time apart to realize how this can help your relationship grow stronger in the end. Best wishes.

Marisa