Mad at my cheap future in laws

[Lilac]

I really feel for you soontowed. I don''t know if I would label his parents as "stingy," but they absolutely should not have talked you into inviting so many of their friends and family if they had promised on giving you a certain amount but then had to cut it by half. I think it''s very unfair that you need to pay so much more towards people you wouldn''t have invited had they not promised you so much more money.

However, it seems there is nothing you can do about it. Personally I would ask FI to talk to his parents about it - not in an accusatory way, just in a questioning way. Not calling them cheap or stingy, but just asking what happened between the time they promised the money and the time they actually gave it to you.

I know how frustrating this can be - I went through something very similar (except DH''s parents gave nothing and invited 250 people knowing my father was too nice to call them out on it and make them un-invite people- so my father covered the entire cost of everyone DH''s parents invited). It''s very frustrating to rely on people who then don''t come through. Hopefully it''s a simple explanation - as someone else said - maybe they plan on giving the rest as a wedding gift after the wedding. Good luck and I hope it works out.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

It sounds like you''re a bit heated about the situation and perhaps need some cool-off time. I''m sorry this happened to you, but hope it does not cause permanent ill-will toward your in-laws- it''s just not worth it! $4k is better than $0, and you know that. Tell them how thankful and appreciative you are and then forget about it. Never again will you need such a substantial financial contribution from them. I hope that you and your FI are able to make up for their smaller monetary gift without financial hardship.

 

[meresal]

They aren''t cheap.

However, the fact is, they didn''t give you what they said.

Instead of making this personal to you and your FI, why doesn''t your FI go to his parents and ask them why they gave less than they originally told you all. You set a budget based on this, and you will now have to cover the difference. You deserve a legitimate reason for the lesser amount.

That is my personal opinion anyway.

 

[VRBeauty]

Between this and your blank thread https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/should-i-talk-to-fi-about-how-i-feel.130386/) it seems like there''s a whole lotta not talkin'' going on. I agree with Meresal that it would be worthwhile for you and your fiance, or just your fiance, to ask his folks what''s going on. Unless they''re always flaky and unreliable, chances are something happened that caused them to change their mind... it could be something to do with their finances, or maybe they have concerns about how your wedding plans are progressing. Or, as was suggested earlier, maybe they intend to give the rest as a wedding gift rather than a contribution towards your wedding. Whatever the reason, it sounds like a good clearing of the air is in order.

 

[wsu12]

Date: 11/28/2009 8:59:28 AM
Author: thing2of2
Well I''m on your side and I''m not sure why everyone is acting like you''re totally rude for being upset. I know not everyone is lucky enough to get contributions from their parents, but that shouldn''t be held against you! I think it''s really crappy for his parents to promise you $10k and then give you $4k 5 weeks before the wedding. Plus it makes no sense-if they were only willing to give you $4k for the wedding, why didn''t they say that to begin with?


What I''m not getting is your fiance''s unwillingness to bring it up to them. Why? I understand you can afford to make up the difference, but if my parents offered to give me $10k for my wedding and then only gave me $4k, you better believe I''d be asking them where the rest of the money was! You should try to get to the bottom of this, or you''ll likely be resenting them for quite a while. I''d be more worried about your fiance''s unwillingness to communicate about tough issues than I would be about him pulling the same thing with your future kids.


And I know that of course you''re not going to do this, but I would love to hear what your FMIL has to say if you call her and tell her to cut her guest list by 60%!

Ditto!
I think the complete lack of explanation is what would be bothering me at this point.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 11/27/2009 8:31:16 PM
Author: trillionaire
Erm, why doesn''t FI talk to his parents?

Let them know that you appreciate their generousity and understand that situations change, but that they had previously indicated that their commitment would be X and that you had planned accordingly. Let them know that it was your mistake to assume a certain level of contribution, but the additional help would mean an awful lot to you both, being that the wedding is very soon and there is not a lot of time to accomodate for the difference.

They are his parents, he should be able to talk to them about it. It makes no sense to fume, there may be a misunderstanding. Better to talk it out. If the chips lie at $4K, then you''ve lost nothing. Maybe they wanted to give you $6K as a wedding gift, who knows!

I totally agree with Trillionaire. I do think that your fi should bring it up with them since 65% of the guests are from their side - I imagine that if you thought they would only be giving $4K, you would have asked them to trim their guest list down. He could say something to that effect.

I don''t know what the tradition is for your family, but during my 1st wedding, which was a big affair, we received over $15K in cash gifts (cash is the traditional wedding gift in our culture). So, it may turn out that even if they don''t come up with what they promised, you may make enough off the gifts to pay off your wedding debts.

Good luck, and let us know what happens...

 

[jaylex]

Date: 11/27/2009 2:55:43 PM
Author:soontowed
My FIs parents had said they would give us 10K. Yesterday they gave us a check for 4K and said 'here's our part for the wedding'. WHere are the other 6K??? 65% of the invites are their relatives. I can't believe they did that. They did not even offer an explanation as to why they cut their contribution to less than half. What's worse is this is 5 weeks away from the wedding so we can't really go and cut costs anywhere. We were counting on the 10K. I know it is not a financial burden for them. They just booked a 10K cruise for this summer. I should not be surprised I guess. They are so stingy about money with their kids. My parents are the opposite so it's even harder for me to deal with.

I hope FI doesn't get that from his parents and acts that way with our kids. I will not stand for that.

I do understand your frustration.. However, I do agree that you are very lucky that they are giving you anything at all. My FMIL's is trying to get us to invite EVERY member of her extended family (totaling about 150+ people) and she flat out said that she and FI's stepdad "WILL NOT be helping at all, but they are so excited and can't wait to treat our wedding as her personal family reunion". We don't have a date yet and she has already taken the liberty of calling all of her family members (3rd cousins, their children.. friends she hasn't talked to in 20 years..) and inviting them. We calmly explained to her that if she wouldn't be helping financially, we simply would have no way to pay for all of those extra guests (most of whom we've never met). Maybe you could talk to your FMIL in a similar manner?
But I am very sorry to hear that you are so close to your wedding. $6000 missing from the "planned" budget would drive any bride to wear a white jacket in a room with padded walls.
I agree with what everyone else is saying though...
Did your IL's say that they would be giving you that much.. or did they allude to the idea that they would be giving you that much? I think that if they flat out said "We will be contributing $10000", and so you invited all of their extra guests.. you should most def say something. But if they said they'd "help" and you took that to mean $10000, I would def think it was your responsibility to find out before you made your preparations how much they would be contributing.
But i'm very sorry to hear about your situation and I hope it works out for you.
{{Hugs}} to help with the stress

 

[bee*]

Date: 11/28/2009 8:48:34 PM
Author: meresal
They aren''t cheap.


However, the fact is, they didn''t give you what they said.


Instead of making this personal to you and your FI, why doesn''t your FI go to his parents and ask them why they gave less than they originally told you all. You set a budget based on this, and you will now have to cover the difference. You deserve a legitimate reason for the lesser amount.


That is my personal opinion anyway.

I agree.I would definitely get your FI to mention it to them. They are definitely not cheap though-$4k is a very generous contribution.