maid of honor

[tremi]

I need to vent,

I asked a girl to be in our wedding I only knew her for a short while 4 months because we were new to town.
she seemed nice and great and all that adn we got along well. Or families are far away so it makes it hard for people we know to stand up for us.

Well from the word go, she made off handed comments about don't order this and that because she didn't like it. ( snaped adn said i guess you willl have to find something else to eat while you are there ) I said i was thinking of placing a couple bottles of wine on each table becase open bar is expensive , she made the comment that " i guess that is all i will be drinking I showed her the flower she was to carry she swung it around her head and then told me she was going to carry them down the asial in bridal fashion ( that would be fine if they were made to do that but they are not) We started to feel maybe she was having some jelousy issues she had been dumped badly a couple times and all of her friends are couples . But i made no comment to her even though it made me really uncomfortable.

she wanted to put together a memory book and didn't want us to see it until the wedding , i explained as nice as i could that that wasn't her place to do something like that or try to interpert what would be a special moment to us, and our famlies wold not release photos to her, but if she wold like to give a album we would love it as a gift.

I let her and another girl choose the style of dresses they were to wear. When we went to look at a location I paid for the gas in her car. i have not really asked them to do anything for the wedding they have not purchased dresses or shoes maybe a little shopping for this or that but not major stuff

Well she came over one day saying she had a one night stand and maybe preggy. So I offered her the pill as a Plan B she never came back to get it. but when she was there she asked about the wedding and the bridesmaid dress. Now i think she already knew she was preggy but was feeling me out about the situation . At the time I didn't think the dress would be a problem but it turned into a huge problem and a bigger cost , and findinig something that works with the other dresses , this whole wedding isn't about what she want and what she want to wear. I have other people to consider.

Well she knew she was preggy and annouced it at thanksgiving dinner , we were all in shock. ( and who is the daddy?)
I wasn't the first or even the second person she told

This is something that goes against every fiber of my being to trap someone you don't know into having a kid, and then having to go on welfare to support the kid. ( this in a way does make me think less of her) sorry is just does. But i didn't tell her that.

So yes I was majorly put off by this behavior. So i asked her very nice to step down from the position as maid of honor. and asked her to be a lady in waiting. The dresses are to difficult to manage , being a maid of honor cost money , you are abot to have a baby , going to school , work , etc... i told her being a lady in waiting she could still be with the bridal party but non of the cost that go with it and she could choose what she wants to wear. I told her i wold love for her to be there on our day. She accepted and agreed

Appernatly she isn't happy , adn I was told by one of her friends that lady in waiting was just a nice way to say my friend is to fat to be in the wedding. ...

skip forward two days. I haven't seen her or talked to her.. my finacee goes in where she works and she ignores him.
later we into her she gives me a dirty look I still say hello and she breezes past me and him .. we are left there like what the hell is going on?

She get's worse, she sits in a corner all night and random friends of hers and ours ( more her friends because she has been there longer) start telling us that she is over there talking smack about us. Bt they woldn't tell us what she was saying other then they didn't want to hear drama. Some others are all on her side of course making me out to be the bitch.

One person told us she is pissed off and it has nothing to do about are wedding but it has to do with us.

At this point i am so angry with her I don't even want her at the wedding , If she has a problem she needs to talk to us and then if she doesn't get the result she wants then she can go talk smack however she wants .. but we haven't even a clue and she hasn't said anything to either of us. ( and she has talked to EVERYONE WHO WOULD LISTEN to her )

the problem is we have alot of associates in common and those are the people she is whinning to , about what I don't know. but these people are only hearing one side of whatever story she is giving. And some of them are pissed at us for her.
I feel like this girl is trying to ruin our wedding , and when she wasn't doing that i felt like she was trying to take control of it.



What wold you do in this situation.


P.S. to order a dress to accomodate her would cost more , and then all the dresses would have to change to match her. and then the cost goes up. and it isn't fair to everyone else. Not to mention we don't live in a decent size city. Nothing aviliable except the internet

X mas is around the corner so i can't ask people to put out money befor holidays, after X mas it will be 4 months until the wedding. I still haven't had time to order my dress.
then it takes 6 weeks for the original bridesmaid dress to be mailed ... my finacee and I just moved into a house ,I just lost my business lease and have to open another business in Jan new location. plus add in x mas and wedding .. Yes I am stressed out. That is a lot to deal with. And i am just not willing to jump through a bunch of hoops for her. Am I so wrong for that
I have explained this .. to her. i just don't understand her reaction i feel i am reasonable.

And i am so pissed how she acted the other night I don't even want to give her the time of day I don't care how she feels anymore. and i sure as hell don't even want to talk to her ( yes I am mad)

 

[Sparkalicious]

She is bad news, has issues and is immature, or at least by how you have recounted the story, that is how she sounds. She also sounds like quite a negative influence. If you are seeking out positive energy at your wedding, I would say have no hesitation in cutting her completely out of the wedding, period. Actually, to be honest, when you were describing her, she kind of reminded me of Rebecca Demornay (sp?), the actress who played that psycho character in the The Hand that Rocked the Cradle

It might be worth trying to talk to her and identify the root cause of the concern and work on making amends, after all its never a good idea to burn bridges, however, this being said, if she''s not happy about it, she does not need to be involved in your happy day.

With regards to your friends in common, you are who you are and they either like you for that and will not judge you based on whatever someone else says or they are not true friends and maybe you can save some money by not inviting them to your wedding either. This is not a popularity contest. These are supposed to be tried and true friends.

You are responding or dealing with this situation with this girl as best as you know how ... My final thought is "Those who mind, don''t matter, those who matter, don''t mind"

Good luck to you. Let us know how it goes.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hmmm... Sorry you''ve got this tough situation to deal with! It does sound sticky.

I guess my first thought was ''This is why it''s not a good idea to ask a stranger to be part of your wedding''. Probably better to have fewer bridesmaids. You don''t know someone after 4 months. You probably don''t even know yet if you truly like them.

You say you don''t want to have to accomodate her and that she isn''t being accomodating for you. That''s because you don''t truly care about her. And she doesn''t truly care about you. And that''s because she''s a stranger.

Which is why you shouldn''t ask a stranger to be in your wedding.

Now that it''s done though, I guess my advice would be that you and she both have to put what we call, around here, your ''big girl pants'' on and have a grown up conversation about what''s bothering each of you. Try to hear each other out. REALLY hear each other, and then try to work it out. There may be multiple misunderstandings going on, that you can clear up and patch over. If you can''t, then so be it.

Just as a sidenote, whether or not you (or I or anyone) condone this lady''s behaviour in getting pregnant by mistake, whether or not she keeps her child is not really any of your or anyone else''s business except hers (and the father''s, but to a lesser extent). It''s her body. It''s her baby. I think if I felt, however mistakenly, that a bride I was standing up for was angry with me because it was inconvenient for her that I had gotten pregnant, I''d probably get pretty angry back at her too. I''m absolutely NOT saying that that''s what you think, just that that might be what she THINKS you think.

Which is why you both need to sit down like adults and talk it out.

Good practice for marriage, too.

Welcome to PS! We give what we hope is constructive, but HONEST advice here. Sorry if it sounds harsh. It''s certainly not meant that way.

 

[neatfreak]

As usual I agree 100% with IG. She said it better than I could have.

 

[tremi]

not harsh at all it is enlightening

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 12/1/2007 9:32:08 PM
Author: neatfreak
As usual I agree 100% with IG. She said it better than I could have.

Exactly. Great advice.

 

[Blenheim]

Date: 12/2/2007 9:03:40 AM
Author: zoebartlett

Date: 12/1/2007 9:32:08 PM

Author: neatfreak

As usual I agree 100% with IG. She said it better than I could have.

Exactly. Great advice.

Ditto.

I''m not sure of the time span in which this has all been happening, but especially if it''s fairly short, I can see her feeling down once she figured out that she might be pregnant and could be a single mom without enough money (really not a great situation) and feeling resentful that you were getting married when she was the one having the baby. Being upset can come out in different ways, and it could have come out as all of the immature behavior that she was exhibiting. Not to say that acting immature is okay, just that there may be going on underneath. Or she might just be immature.

The decision to have an unplannned child, especially in non-ideal circumstances (and hers certainly sound that way) is really, really hard. And it''s purely her decision. The way that you described it sounded fairly judgmental to me. Who''s to say that she trapped a guy? Even if you didn''t say anything like that to her, it could have come across in your tone of voice or attitude.

Maybe birth control failed. The pill does have a 1% failure rate if taken perfectly, and maybe 4% with normal use -- I forget exact stats, but it''s in that range; condoms break; etc. Maybe, once she realized that she was pregnant, she couldn''t go through with an abortion -- maybe for religious reasons, or maybe she just didn''t feel like she could do it or wanted to do it. Maybe she was hoping for support when she told you, and maybe she was upset when not only you didn''t support her, but (in her eyes) you threw her out of the wedding. You did frame it as being for her own good, but she''s probably feeling pretty sensitive and just didn''t take it well anyway. Plus some women will actually throw people out of their bridal parties for "being fat". Out of politeness, most probably frame it the way that you did, so she may have jumped to the worse conclusion at your words.

If you can, I think it would be great to take her out to dinner or something along those lines, and just talk to her. She may need someone right now to ask her how she''s doing, how she''s feeling about the unplanned pregnancy, and things like that. It may be best to avoid wedding talk at first, to help demonstrate that you care about her as more than just a body to stand up in a specific dress during the wedding. And just try to address the root of the problem.

And this is along the same lines as what IndyGal said -- I don''t mean for this to be harsh, and I''m sorry if it is. I just hope that it helps give you another perspective and show that you shouldn''t make assumptions until you talk to her and figure out what''s really going on.

 

[tremi]

She told me and others at the table at thanksgiving ( she said she wasn't using any protection .. it was a heat of the moment thing) I have thought about her poor choices and you are right they are her choices to do as she wishes , and she has the right to have a baby or not. ( i don't think is is a good one but it her life and I don't have to raise or pay for the child. From what I know of her she wanted a boyfriend or some sort of male attention badly that she was behaving reckless I almost said something but then had the thought she is a big girl she doens't need my advise.
( her trapping this guy is how she came across to me )

To be complety honest I looked for dresses for several days i search all the interent and could not find anything that wasn't expesive or it wasn't the right color or the fabric doesn't match right. Or i could make everyone else have to buy driesses that would go with hers , I don't have my whole bridal party near me they are mostly out of state so everyoen has to order from the internet. it is very tricky ( and I don't feel like going through it the nearest davids bridal is 4.5 hours away in houston texas and they don't have anything to match the dress I already have in place.

I didn't want to be mean , and I thought it was a good choice to have her as a lady in waiting and she could choose what she wanted to wear, wouldn't have to incure any cost for the bridal party. and could still help and have fun. She is not doing well with money I do know this ( she had he phone , water recently ) she is going to school ( bravo ) she does work, and now she will have doctors appt, and the stuff she will have to deal with , with this guy.. I think it would be to much for her. I know she likes arts and craft and I have plenty of them for anyone who wants to stop by and relax ( i really was trying to make a compromise I thought would work even if I don't agree with her ) she isn't the first or the last person I may not agree with that is life.

And thought of many differant view points and some that were said here, I was going to take her to lunch but she started the whole silent treatment backlash. I am trying to be and do the right thing but I also have to take care of myself. I have a huge storm on my plate coming up.

I am going to give her a call today and see what more I can do.

 

[WTNLVR]

I would tell her nicely that due to her negativity and bad mouthing you to others, you feel that she is no longer capable of being a positive presence in your wedding and that you are sorry, but she is relieved of her duties and not invited to the wedding. I know it''s hard, I did that to my MOH when I got married and we had been friends for years. People grow apart, some can''t stand others to be happy. She needs to grow up. You don''t need this stress on top of planning a wedding.

 

[Sabine]

So far it sounds like you''ve given a couple different reasons for wanting her to be a lady in waiting. I think you need to decide which is the REAL reason you think this is the best choice, because the reasons should dictate how you approach her.

Reasons I heard:
1. Since she is pregnant, you will have to find her a dress that accomodates her growing belly, and you''re worried that it will throw off the plans for the other girls and cause them extra expense. If this were the TRUE reason for having a problem with her, then I would suggest not making her a lady in waiting. This problem could be fixed. The people here are FANTASTIC at helping find dresses. Give us your colors, style, and material that you are looking for, and I bet we could find some options in your budget that would fit the other girls and her that would be a good compromise.

2. You think she is having money problems and stress problems, and would be better off without the added financial and emotional stress of being a bridesmaid. If this is the TRUE reason, then I really think you should talk openly to her. It would be up to HER to determine if she could handle it and if she wants to, so while it would be nice for you to give her the option of backing out as long as you explain that this is why you think she would want to, it should still be her decision on what she wants to do.

3. You think she makes bad decisions in her life, she badmouthed you, and overall you just don''t like her. If this is truely how you feel, then I think you need to tell her, and say that although you regret the way you acted, you just don''t feel like she is a person who should be standing up for you. And that means as a lady in waiting too. If you don''t like her enough to demote her, she shouldn''t be a special part of your wedding at all.

 

[Independent Gal]

I think Sabine is right that figuring out what the real reason is can help you approach the problem in the best way. Of course, feelings are sometimes the result of multiple causes, and then it''s a matter of deciding what the KEY cause is and going with that.

Which reason do you think is the strongest one? It sounds like it''s the third: you''re just not sure you like her anymore. That''s a good reason for her not to be in your wedding, if you''re ready to end the friendship that is.

Also, if the guy didn''t use protection, he wasn''t ''trapped''. He made his bed, so to speak, and now he has to sleep in it. Men are just as responsible for protecting themselves (and us) against disease transmission and pregnancy as we are responsible for protecting them. If he didn''t take care to protect himself, he now has to live with the consequences, just like she does. I have no sympathy for him being ''trapped''. Men who don''t use condoms need to grow up and take responsibility. It was his choice to have unprotected sex (no condom, whether or not she was on the pill) as much as it was hers. His choice as much as hers. His consequences as much as hers. His responsibility as much as hers.

 

[tremi]

very true.

update:
I found out the other reason for the silient treatment and it wasn''t because of anything I said or done in fact it was a conversation between my finacee and someoen else. My finacee had ssaid to someone apperantly something ,something about going on welfare. ( her is a very soft speaker if you know what i mean...not ) but she could have came to me about that about him and whatever she found to be abrasive. She is punishing me( with the silient treatment ) for something he said .
to be honest i don''t know exactly what was said

I called her and asked her out to lunch, and said i think we need to talk i nderstand you are under a lot of pressure. and I hope i hear from her. ( but i had to leave a message)

As far as when i talked to her about being a lady in waiting she agreed , i told her i still wanted her to be there and I do know she can''t afford the dresses adn she agreed. I told her i was worried that it may hurt her feeling but I had a solution she could be a part of every thiing still be my right hand and not have to pay for a thing. ( she is in dire straits with money) and was worried how to pay for the dress befor the baby thing happened. I explain to her that her baby was more importaint then buying extragant dresses . I want her to focus on herself not me. ..... she almost seem to light up when i told her she could still have all the fun with out the cost.

but I agree i don''t feel close as i did I am really re evelauating how i feel about everything , I think i spoke to soon when i allowed her to come into the bridal party. And I don''t feel she really knows me and my life and so on and so forth and that is on me now. and i don''t think or feel she holds me in the same regard as she does her other friends. ..

I think the bottom line for me is i don''t want to hurt anyone , I am trying to do what is best and in the best way i can . and that is all i can do.

 

[Independent Gal]

Good for you, Tremi, for taking the high road and taking the first step toward trying to work it out with her! Not everyone has the courage to do that. So pat yourself on the back and cross your fingers that she responds constructively too. Just remember that, as with all conflicts, if the other person feels like you''re really listening and that you understand, he or she will try harder to understand your point of view too.

Let us know what happens!

 

[tremi]

Well here is the update:

I found out why she wasn''t talking to US after I had told her as nicely as I could that she and her condition would be better as a lady in waiting because she wouldn''t have any cost associated with the wedding and she could still particapate. the next few day we are both given the cold sholder. We had no idea why.

My finacee said he had recieved a email stating the reasons she was angry and non of them had anything to do with me. In fact I feel it is all about jelousy. My finacee and I had a small small apt but had a bit of money in the bank plus I have assests so she was use to seeing us live in a certain condition well below our means. well when the time came we upgraded to a large house , bought all new furniture, planning our dream wedding it went to simple to something a little nicer not extravagant I think we may have spent about 5-6k ... but that is because i got a great deal. and i did tons of work myself. it looks like a 20-30 k wedding I have asked NOTHING of her to even lend a hand and when I did i paid for it all. Because I thought that was my resposiblity.

so here in part is the email I recieved from her

part1.
I just want you to know that if your fiance were to get pregnant right now there is a very good chance that she would have to do the same thing and go on welfare.


My finacee and I have assests we don''t brag about them and I never said anything about her going on welfare. I simply implied having a baby is a huge finacle stress. I think we can all agree on that. I know she doesn''t have a saving account , I know she has had her utlities cut off recently.

Part2 of her letter.
And as far as the wedding is concerned, I will have no part in it. It went from being a simple affair to trying to impress people that don''t even care. I don''t need that kind of stress in my life, I have enough as it is.

Again i have never asked her to really lift a finger. We could afford a nicer affair than what we are doing , mind you no where in the full letter does she blame me for anything. other then having having a nice wedding. ( trying to impress people who don''t care) But that shouldn''t be any of her consern. what or how much we pay for a thing.

She still has no bases as to why she isn''t talking to me. I have been direct and sweet and kind and formal. I have never made a negative remark to her about her condition or lifestyle. It is her life i dont'' have to live it.



But in the end and after reading some of your comments, I do believe maybe I was feeling her jelousy and resentment there for making me feel un sure or un tolorable of her. sorta that whisper in your ear that you don''t really listen to until it is to late. I think i felt it all along. and it started to build up. Hence the reason I was un willing to go out of my way for her. and starting to get pissed off.

she has never responded to the messages I left for her. asking her to go to lunch talk things out whatever whatever. I tried to do the right thing

But I am glad it is over, I am glad i will not look back on my wedding photos and see her face and be reminded of the drama that has unfolded. I feel relieved that the situation has been brought to a conclusion.

thanks for helping me see within myself. and see what I was really feeling. and understand myself a little better.

I do believe we all are entiled to our opinions and we will never all agree or always be accepted for our opinions on certain topics. but that is the beauty of being human. the right to your opinion and the right to live your life as you choose weather i agree with it or not. and what may work for some may not work for others but no one should be blamed for choices they have to make. Jelousy is a nasty and if you don''t like your life change it. I know what it is to live in a million dollar home and have the polo horse and all and I know what it is to lose it all. and look at a homeless man on the street and think he has more money than i do right now. I worked hard and work my way back up. I shouldn''t be blamed or have people be jelouse of because i have ambition and I do the work myself.

 

[tberube]

God lord. Maybe you should apply to get on the show "Bridezillas." You certainly fit the bill, and you''re making the rest of us Brides look bad.

 

[bee*]

I agree with IG in both posts. Definitely why you don''t ask a stranger to be in your wedding!