Married colleagues seem excessively close

[Gloria27]

I observed that two of my married coworkers have developed a very strong bond after collaborating on an event. They frequently share breakfast, occasionally have lunch together, and consistently share their meals during team outings.

They exhibit a close and affectionate demeanor at work, akin to a couple - laughing and giggling together like a new couple. Both of them do not exhibit such behaviour towards the rest of the team

Both individuals are married and have children.

Would it concern you if you discovered that your partner had a similarly close relationship with a colleague?

You are on the internet making a topic about other people's business and trying to involve the readers in this gossip with that last line.


W H Y

 

[La2020]

Maybe they have open relationships with their spouses.
Maybe they’re both getting divorced.
Maybe they’re close friends and your and your boss’ reactions are misguided.
Maybe they’re having an affair.

The only thing that’s certain is that it’s none of your business. Unless you have a close personal relationship with any of the parties involved - I see no virtue in doing anything besides staying out of it.

Nov 3, 2023

Agree none of my business even if they are indeed screwing around.

However the crux of my qn is “Would it concern you if you discovered that your partner had a similarly close relationship with a colleague?”

Does this bother YOU if you found out that your significant other is doing this without your knowledge- or that the entire company knows about it except YOU - especially when you attend the company activities.

their behaviour set me thinking - how many married couples actually bothered to discuss acceptable boundaries with an opposite sex at work?

And yes, I did have a discussion with my spouse about it. Though I honestly doubt he will own up (when he crosses the line) . hopefully I would not be probably the last one to find out if he indeed crossed the line and worst still, has an affair.

 

[La2020]

You are on the internet making a topic about other people's business and trying to involve the readers in this gossip with that last line.


W H Y

I'm just sharing my general observation, and asking if married couples perceive this behavior as crossing accepted boundaries.

If you find my observation offensive, you can stop replying to this post.

 

[Gloria27]

I'm just sharing my general observation, and asking if married couples perceive this behavior as crossing accepted boundaries.

If you find my observation offensive, you can stop replying to this post.

No, please , don't mind me, continue with whatever you call this behaviour.

 

[seaurchin]

I'm just sharing my general observation, and asking if married couples perceive this behavior as crossing accepted boundaries.

If you find my observation offensive, you can stop replying to this post.

Don’t mind her. She’s always like that. Wait. No, usually she’s worse.

In my experience though, hearing cheaters or likely cheaters questioned, even quite anonymously, tends to trigger other cheaters. It activates their rudimentary consciences, so they weirdly lash out and project. Thereby telling on themselves.

It’s not your fault. Even things like seeing a happy family out in public, s p r e a d i n g butter on bread, or biting into a meaty all-beef frank has the same effect on cheaters.

 

[yssie]

Taking each point -

They frequently share breakfast
- Would not bother me

occasionally have lunch together
- Would not bother me

and consistently share their meals during team outings.
- Would not bother me

They exhibit a close and affectionate demeanor at work,
laughing and giggling together
- So do I, with coworkers (of all genders) whom I’m close with

Both of them do not exhibit such behaviour towards the rest of the team
- Neither do I, with coworkers whom I’m not as close with

But I recognize you don’t actually mean each individual point - the crux of the issue is your discomfort because you feel they’re behaving like a couple. Yes, if my partner was behaving the way he behaves when he’s half of a couple, that would of course trouble me. But the ways my partner behaves when he’s half of a couple are going to be different from the ways someone else behaves as half of a couple… For me, none of what you describe raises any flags. Like, not at all, not even a little bit. But other things would.

And some rando being uncomfortable because they feel me or my partner might be behaving in a way that signals “affair”? Without having any actual familiarity with us and our relationship? Wouldn’t trouble me one iota. As he would say - “that’s a Them problem”.

Having a conversation about boundaries is probably a good idea but IMO that’s not a conversation scoped to the workplace - it’s kind of too late by then. That’s the sort of talk you really want to have right up front when you get together…

 

[seaurchin]

Seriously though, I’ve been married for a long time and think it’s a shame that talking about and otherwise dealing with issues like this doesn’t seem expected and normal.

“Forever” is a tall order and more probably fall short on fidelity than don’t, sooner or later. I think it seeming a taboo topic for discussion contributes hugely to it and to our very high divorce rate. After all, affairs thrive in secrecy.

When half of marriages end in divorce, it seems the typical marriage model is not working so well and could use some tweaking or broadening or… something.

We tried open marriage for a short time. It was the lowest point of our marriage. Looking back, I guess it was really a last ditch effort before just ending it completely.

Anyway, somehow we soon got closer again and our little experiment didn’t last long.

So I’d suggest trying to be approachable with things you might not prefer to hear and share that kind of stuff yourself too. If you ever share that you are developing feelings of attraction, then that sharing becomes normal in your relationship and a better chance your partner will too. You can also come together to fix the issues that way. If the partner will receive drama and trauma for their honesty instead, then they will probably not to turn to you first and vice versa.

Another thought I have on that fwiw is to show your existence in your partner’s world. It’s not as likely for a co-worker to get fantasies of being with your spouse and vice versa if you are a real person to them rather than a vacancy left to be filled imo. If possible, drop in at their workplace with a smile and cookies once in a while or meet for drinks or otherwise stay involved in eachother’s lives. All jmo

 

[seaurchin]

I’d also add that if you (general “you”) don’t want to be the subject of lurid gossip then why would you behave in a way that kinda seems to be asking for it.

I mean, if only one person was saying it, that could be them just being weird but if it’s general knowledge then more likely their conduct is inappropriate for the workplace.

Which is on them rather than those who have no choice but to witness it and work around whatever issues it might bring on, favoritism or etc. Many of us have probably had problems from that kind of thing getting in the way of the job. Or socially, discovering something you did not want to know then having the burden of loyalty to a friend vs. feeling guilty for keeping an icky secret.

Also imo if monogamy is no longer the deal, the spouse should at least be given the honor of knowing what’s going on and the general public should not. Not the other way around. It’s about respect. All jmo, as always.

This topic interests me because, as I mentioned earlier, marriage as it’s traditionally done doesn’t have a very good record so how could it be re-vamped. For ex. What if honesty became the norm? Or maybe it can’t be re-vamped, I don’t know.

 

[Ibrakeforpossums]

These things, if it is a thing, usually get discovered. I would keep my head down, the workplace being enough of a minefield already.

 

[stracci2000]

I used to work in a grocery store, and one of our cashiers couldn't keep her hands off the men.
She did one of the cookie vendors in the bakery freezer, she messed around with the butcher in his truck out in the parking lot, and also had the assistant manager on the desk in his upstairs office. The office that has big windows that look down over the store!

She eventually got pregnant and had the butcher's baby, after they broke up.

 

[seaurchin]

I used to work in a grocery store, and one of our cashiers couldn't keep her hands off the men.
She did one of the cookie vendors in the bakery freezer, she messed around with the butcher in his truck out in the parking lot, and also had the assistant manager on the desk in his upstairs office. The office that has big windows that look down over the store!

She eventually got pregnant and had the butcher's baby, after they broke up.

I'm sorry, no idea why that cracked me up. I picture a sex fiend lady flying through the store on her broom, in search of easy prey.

 

[stracci2000]

I'm sorry, no idea why that cracked me up. I picture a sex fiend lady flying through the store on her broom, in search of easy prey.

She was just like that!
She was a beautiful young woman and knew how to flirt and lure men. She would render them speechless with her ample bosom.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Sorry, I could not help laughing. At a former workplace, there were two married couples in that office who socialized together and had kids in the same school system and on the same sports teams, etc. One day the office was shocked to learn both couples had already divorced, they had swapped spouses, and had married. They came to work on a Monday morning and announced it "so that the office gossips didn't have a fit when they read it in the marriage license section of the newspaper." Then they just went back to work while people were still standing there processing that. lol

i have heard of couples like this
i guess good luck to them
and if they can all stay friends much nicer for the kids

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

we had a couple in our dept at work -years ago now
one married with kids, the other in a long term relationship but without kids, i think her partner couldn't have kids??
they always went to smoko together, well they did both actually smoke so had to go outside under the 'smoker's tree' (kind of like school because smoking on site was a big no no due to insurence and timber sales)

anyway i never thought anything of it -of them always going outside together
then one day they both cornered me and my workmate (who i thought was too innocent to notice things like this) to tell us Tracy was having a baby and Lua was the dad
well i almost fell over, thank goodness my workmate was there, he just took it in his stride and said all the right things while i tried to pick my mouth up off the floor
i was the only surprised one

it did bust up a family and ruin a friendship, her partner worked with us also but in another dept
one day Lua's little boy was overheard saying when i grow up i want to have three kids like dad, but to the same mummy

 

[nkarma]

Maybe they have open relationships with their spouses.
Maybe they’re both getting divorced.
Maybe they’re close friends and your and your boss’ reactions are misguided.
Maybe they’re having an affair.

The only thing that’s certain is that it’s none of your business. Unless you have a close personal relationship with any of the parties involved - I see no virtue in doing anything besides staying out of it.

Nov 3, 2023

THIS 100000000000000000000000000%

As if the worst thing in life is getting lurid gossiped about! Hell you can get that for anything you do. I'd rather live my life with wonderful relationships with partners, colleagues, friends, and family then care what someone thinks of me for being close to others.
God all you would miss out on if you were concerned what others thought of you, it kills me.

 

[Ionysis]

Yes it would absolutely bother me if my husband was acting in this way with any woman. Because it would be totally out of character for him and I would know it was absolutely something dodgy. But for someone else it might be completely normal and usual behaviour.

I’d be less concerned about the personal issues (it’s their business and their spouses) but much more bothered by the work related impact.

I’m personally of the view that if your behaviour with a colleague is unconventional enough to make other people in your team feel uncomfortable then it’s inappropriate for the workplace. That could be flirting / having an affair or it could be arguing and being vindictive or it could be passive aggressive ignoring.

Any dynamic between colleagues which is having a negative impact on the team - or in fact potentially affecting your own reputation or professional standing - needs addressing. Giggling, food sharing, seeking each other out over and above other colleagues all seems very juvenile and unprofessional to me. It would be likely to make people think less of them and thus potentially adversely affect their career development. Very silly behaviour. Keep these things in your own time and when at work, work.

How old are these people for goodness sake? They sound 15.

 

[Austina]

My husband worked with a man who would come in on a Monday morning and talk about his ‘swinging’ weekend. Eventually, he and his wife ended up swinging with the neighbours.

It ended up with them swapping partners, he and the neighbour had a baby, and then they broke up. Result was several screwed up kids from both relationships. Sad that all their kids were the ones most affected by their choices.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

not really work related but my first boss ran away with his brother's wife
it devistated 3 generation of his family

 

[Ionysis]

My husband worked with a man who would come in on a Monday morning and talk about his ‘swinging’ weekend. Eventually, he and his wife ended up swinging with the neighbours.

It ended up with them swapping partners, he and the neighbour had a baby, and then they broke up. Result was several screwed up kids from both relationships. Sad that all their kids were the ones most affected by their choices.

Wow - definition of inappropriately over sharing with colleagues or what?!

My replies at work to “how was your weekend?” mainly extend to “fine” or “busy”. I clearly need to up my game.

 

[Lisa Loves Shiny]

Wow - definition of inappropriately over sharing with colleagues or what?!

My replies at work to “how was your weekend?” mainly extend to “fine” or “busy”. I clearly need to up my game.

Lol. Samesies.

"I spent a lot of time on the leaves, needed to mulch the banana trees" or "the dog's physical therapy is going well" have been the stories I have been enthralling my co-workers with recently. Maybe we should add some more spice to up our game. I haven't shared my recipe for white bean chili yet and how I educated my husband on the difference between gas relief and gas prevention tablets.

 

[dk168]

Some years ago, I discovered an ex-colleague's husband was on a dating site by chance.

I confronted him about it and he left the site.

I distanced myself from the ex-colleague on social media etc., as I did not wish to get involved, even though it was none of my business. I did not wish to be held responsible for the break up of their relationship.

They had 2 young children at the time, and the family immigrated to another continent soon afterwards.

DK

 

[La2020]

Yes it would absolutely bother me if my husband was acting in this way with any woman. Because it would be totally out of character for him and I would know it was absolutely something dodgy. But for someone else it might be completely normal and usual behaviour.

I’d be less concerned about the personal issues (it’s their business and their spouses) but much more bothered by the work related impact.

I’m personally of the view that if your behaviour with a colleague is unconventional enough to make other people in your team feel uncomfortable then it’s inappropriate for the workplace. That could be flirting / having an affair or it could be arguing and being vindictive or it could be passive aggressive ignoring.

Any dynamic between colleagues which is having a negative impact on the team - or in fact potentially affecting your own reputation or professional standing - needs addressing. Giggling, food sharing, seeking each other out over and above other colleagues all seems very juvenile and unprofessional to me. It would be likely to make people think less of them and thus potentially adversely affect their career development. Very silly behaviour. Keep these things in your own time and when at work, work.

How old are these people for goodness sake? They sound 15.

Both of them are 40 plus

 

[La2020]

It’s been 9 months since I first posted.

They were engaging in an affair; long story short the wife found out and the guy was forced to leave the team to prevent anymore interaction between the 2.

Our boss reminded the team to be professional during work , boundaries, boundaries! and that it’s not normal to be close like them.

 

[seaurchin]

It’s been 9 months since I first posted.

They were engaging in an affair; long story short the wife found out and the guy was forced to leave the team to prevent anymore interaction between the 2.

Our boss reminded the team to be professional during work , boundaries, boundaries! and that it’s not normal to be close like them.

Sympathies. I've been an involuntary bystander in situations like that before and imo it's a bit like having to watch a car wreck coming on, in slow motion. You just know it isn't going to end well!

Hopefully now it gets back to regular workplace environment. Though that never seems to me to last for too long anyway, for various reasons.