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May be cancelling wedding :( (long)

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hey robbie..everyone here has given great advice as usual...sorry for your family drama. weddings are emotional times for parents and the couple. i think you should have the wedding you can afford--many great DIY ideas to make it spectacular--that way you have control over your day and you will have less stress until then. your dad sounds as if he has major issues, but he is still your dad and not inviting him would be terrible for you both. in 20 years when you look at photos you don''t want to wish he were there or what not. you don''t have to put up with his BS, but take the high road and extend the olive brach so to speak. if he chooses to not be a part of your day then let it be his decision. don''t make decisions you will regret down the line. who knows...after the grandkids come he may mellow out.
 
on the 'family is family' vibe...i wanted to clarify what i meant...i definitely agree there is a line to draw with abusive people or parents, family is family is not a blind envelope, i totally agree. that line is so personal i think as well. however and this is just my opinion, i just don't get the vibe from what robbie has said about her parents that it really is a truly 'abusive' relationship, this is just my own perception based on things she has said...and i could be wrong but i almost feel like it's really a more volatile, emotional relationship on both ends.

pandora really said it best for me as to how i view this. when you are younger, there are things your parents say or do or have done or said that you may think are unacceptable or borderline abusive or think your parent(s) are crazy or whatever or think you may never forgive them. but as i have aged, i have definitely found that i understand more and more where parents come from as to how we are treated when we are younger and growing up. i have more wisdom maybe, and can see things that when i was younger i might think 'oh my god i can't believe you'd say that to me' or 'XYZ was so cruel to do when i was younger'...but now that i am older i realize that certain scenarios or circumstances really colored how i was thinking when i was younger. i also may have felt so 'put upon' or hurt by something that i was sure it was intentional. later i find that is really not the case. i also find that as parents themselves age and deal with children maturing and moving away and living their own life, they change as well...over time. and most of the time into better and better people.

anyway really my point was not that i think robbie should just blindly say family is family and let them do whatever, but from what she has said, it sounds like her parents really care for her, even if maybe they have odd ways of showing it to some people, right now...the emails that were posted, i really can read more into them than what you are getting robbie, and maybe it's the fact that i am not involved in the situation....but i just feel more like you see things one way because they are your family and you have all this history of having all this angst with your dad, and i see another view, that of a not-interested party seeing a parent interacting with child, in maybe a way that could use more finesse but the intent and care is behind the words and i just don't get the vibe of him being such a bad person from those emails.

anyhow, i don't want to belabor the whole point or anything, but i just wanted to clarify what i mean when i was saying family is family. from what has been said here i really feel like you guys can work this out and have a positive relationship later with some work on both sides. i just really hope that you do not take the hard stance and then regret it later...think long and hard about what is a priority for you in the future. your father may have his own issues to work out for sure, but really the older i get the more grateful i am for my family and people who really love me and care for me (even though sometimes they might say hurtful things from time to time...parents feel entitled i guess?!) and the relationships i have spent time and effort cultivating.

good luck figuring what is best for you and your fiance, and i am very sorry you have to deal with this!!!
 
Ditto what Mara said!!!

I just re-read the original post with the dad's email...and I guess I didn't get that from the e-mails, specially not from the first one. Did he blow things out of proportion and butt in were he didn't need to? absolutely. But that's what it sounded to me like, an explosive reaction...

Anyway, I really do hope you can work things out...maybe not today, or tomorrow, but someday!.

M~
 
I didn't read every single response but I just wanted to say, I agree with what Mara said and I do see what your dad was saying. Do you have every right to disagree? Absolutely! I am a little older than you and I think it's possible that your relationship with your parents might be similar to mine with my parents. I see a lot of similarities. It may be that your parents love you a lot but have a hard time when you want to do things differently from what they think is best. That's how it's been with my parents. Now that I am a little older we have been getting along quite well, but during my teens and early twenties we clashed a lot. I see what your dad was saying about why your relationship with your ex's parents could be perceived by SOME FIs and FIs parents as inappropriate. Now, if your FI and his parents are fine with it, no worries. But I do see why your dad is concerned. As for the drugs and college major, he is probably just thinking of how he wanted things to go and things went differently than that. So he wanted to be sure and say what he thinks you should do about this.

When your dad says this isn't just your wedding, it is a wedding your parents are throwing... well, if the parents are helping pay for it, I do agree with that.

Withholding wedding $$ that was already promised is harsh, and in my opinion, an over-reaction, but I really hope that in a few days he will calm down and things will return to normal.

eta: I've just read some more of your posts where you describe a pattern of emotional abuse in your family. I can't really speak to that, but just wanted to say I'm sorry you've experienced it. In my family, I think it was more typical teenage/young adult stuff where I thought I should be allowed to do X, but my parents did not. They are very strict and tend to expect the worst of situations and I didn't know how else I could prove to them that I was trustworthy to gain priviliges. None of us were very good at arguing like adults. Things cleared up a lot once I moved away and became financially independent. Just wanted to clarify a bit!
 
Robbie, I am so sorry you are going through this!! I just hope that things can be worked out for you all.....before it is too late and bitter feelings and memories are cast in stone.

My take on your Dad.......he was angry because you upset your mother who has been doing her best to get the invitations done to the best of her ability and he felt he needed to take you to task for how you treated her.....

he also was trying to convey to you how he identifies with some of your past problems (pot) and your personalty (overly emotional & impulsive) and how he doesn't want you to make the same mistakes he has made in the past.....some of which you and your mother may be unaware......

he and your mother are embarrassed (their issue) about how large of a role these previous boyfriend's parents played in your life, and doesn't want them at a wedding he is paying a large portion for....

you forwarded this email to your mother......he is livid.....embarrassed.......and possibly humiliated at having to explain to your mother what he meant by some of his statements....

he takes this anger out on you and has taken an unfair stance, which I don't think he really feels in his heart, but he is angry and feeling betrayed....

All I can advise is try to make peace with your parents if possible....perhaps the best place to start is with your Mom.

Remember, that parents are imperfect human beings too.....try to find a way to make it better for you all! It's better to swallow a bit of pride and be the bigger person....especially with your Mom and Dad.

Hope this helps and makes some sense.

Best wishes and good luck to you.
 
I''ve come rather late to this conversation, but I would say that removing your parents financing would probably be the best solution considering the history. I would wait it out a few weeks, if you can afford to, to make sure you are making a rational decision. Then figure out what parental involvement is healthy FOR YOU.

I have a MUCH better relationship with my father now that money isn''t involved in the relationship. Throughout my life, he felt he had no control over my decisions. As a result, any money I ever took from him for college came with a billion strings. Now that he doesn''t have that power over me, I can accept his advice when I think it helps or relevant and ignore it when it''s not. I can also steer him clear of topics that are dangerous to us both.

Everyone''s relationship with their parents is different. I''m never going to be that close to my father, whereas my SO is extremely close to both his parents and doesn''t quite understand why we aren''t closer. Whatever will keep you mentally healthy or happy is the best temporary solution. After whatever period time is right for you, you can attept to repair the relationship ON YOUR OWN TERMS with no financial strings.

Good luck!
 
hi robbie! i know you know this but i will just give you a gentle reminder: i think you probably love your mother and your father. i think they both probably love you. at the end of the day this is what counts. harsh things have been said but i don''t think it is too late to make things right. many of us have gotten into a similar situation and would give a lot to be able to have a do over. please try to see your parents side or just try to keep your family a part of your life.
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I''m sorry for not responding sooner. FI and I spent the day yesterday discussing possibilities for the wedding and the future.

I got this email from my dad yesterday:

I will attend your wedding and will pay for the things I said I would, because I dont want to ruin your wedding, but I am still mad that you are so disrespectful to me and Mommy.

Apparently when FI said that he wants nothing to do with my dad he was just really angry. He said he doesn''t hate him, but he does not like him and he will continue to act the same way around him that he always has. He really wants to continue on with our wedding plans as they are. I''m feeling a lot of pressure to do this as well. At less than 3 months out, pretty much anything that we would do would have to be financed other than the "free" (apparently it would cost us $500 in administrative fees) wedding that comes with our honeymoon and even then we''d have to cut the guest list way back. If we hadn''t sent out STDs months ago this would be way less of a big deal, but the thought of having to explain to 100+ people (mostly family members) why they''re no longer invited makes me sick to my stomach.

I know FI would be really upset if his family was unable to be there (parents, brother, sisters) and if we got married in St. Lucia on the honeymoon, that means that (if they could come) they''d all be there for our honeymoon...I love them all, but I don''t want our family on our honeymoon...We''d also have to wait 3 days before we could get married since you have to establish residency, so that means I''d spend half of our honeymoon worrying about the wedding. That option just doesn''t seem like a good idea to me anymore. I want the honeymoon to be relaxing and just the two of us.

I honestly don''t like any of the options that we have right now, but it seems like less people are hurt/affected if we just leave things the way they are.

I want to respond to what everyone posted individually, but I can''t until sometime after work.

I''m sure some people are not going to be happy with how we''re planning to proceed, but I think it''s the way that''s going to produce the least damage.
 
Robbie, you need to do what works for you. It seems you have a tough time with your folks, and I am one of those people who believes that while you cannot pick your family, you can unpick them so to speak. Meaning, just because they are family you do not need to immerse yourself in an emotional quicksand pit with them. However, with people who behave that way, there are major control issues when you accept money from them.

I might just let things lie, get married as planned, but plan to have a big talk with your folks. You can have some distance from them. But I would plan to have a calm talk with them. It may or may not be helpful, but you need to approach them without drama or screaming. You also now should really not accept money from them, and try not to own the negative remarks, hard though it is. No one would want to feel nothing they do is right or good enough. And it sounds like he is a bit emotionally abusive (the greeting card story is telling) and it is best to have contact on your terms. Good luck.
 
Date: 6/25/2007 8:46:34 AM
Author: diamondfan
Robbie, you need to do what works for you. It seems you have a tough time with your folks, and I am one of those people who believes that while you cannot pick your family, you can unpick them so to speak. Meaning, just because they are family you do not need to immerse yourself in an emotional quicksand pit with them. However, with people who behave that way, there are major control issues when you accept money from them.

I might just let things lie, get married as planned, but plan to have a big talk with your folks. You can have some distance from them. But I would plan to have a calm talk with them. It may or may not be helpful, but you need to approach them without drama or screaming. You also now should really not accept money from them, and try not to own the negative remarks, hard though it is. No one would want to feel nothing they do is right or good enough. And it sounds like he is a bit emotionally abusive (the greeting card story is telling) and it is best to have contact on your terms. Good luck.
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I think we will definitely be taking a big step back from my family after the wedding. Unfortunately, to keep the wedding going on as planned we''ll have to continue to let them finance it. Beyond this, I''m completely financially independent from them and have been since I moved out of their house in February 2005.
 
I''ve had a similar fight with my mom over centerpieces, of all things. Not getting into the history btwn you and your dad, you might not have realized how much work your mom may''ve put into the invites. She may have then reacted to that (perceived or not) slight and had her feelings hurt or gotten mad. That''s what happened in my situation- sort of dismissed my mom''s prototypes w/o realizing all the groundwork that had gone into it...

I''m not saying you''re wrong or right but just wanted to point out a possibility. Good luck- I know how stressful planning is when there are issues.
 
Robbie -

I support you going through things as planned because it will be a much BIGGER deal to not do that. I know this incident with your father hurt a lot, but if you can keep your head down for a few weeks, you can have the wedding YOU want and you have planned and then go on with life with your supportive and understanding new hubby and give your dad a chance to chill the f* out!

hang in there! I''m rooting for you!
 
hi robbie, sorry to hear you''re going through all of this--how stressful! What does your FI say?

I haven''t read all the responses, so sorry if I''m being repeptive or if I missed something.

Right now I think emotions are high so everyone''s saying stuff they don''t mean. I''m pretty shocked at the harsh things your dad said (he should be taking the higher/more adult and parental role), but I guess bottom line is try to remember family is family and the fact that he is paying for the wedding as well means his opinion holds a lot of water too. Of course I don''t know the history of your relationship w/your parents, so i''m speaking as a total outsider here.

I would try to let things cool off. give it a few days with no contact so each person can think things over. Then why not compromise or offer the first sign of conciliation? Are you insistent on inviting your ex''s parents? If it makes your parents uncomfortable and causing such friction, maybe it''s best to let that battle go. Try to find some middle ground and one thing i''ve realized is the wedding process isn''t so much about the bride and groom, it''s about family and guests. So while it''s stressful, the only way to make it less so is to keep it focused on the BIG picture. The actual day will be all about the 2 of you and in the end invitations and all the details won''t be what you remember. I''m sure the invitations will get done and if not, you can pay someone to get it done asap. Canceling the wedding and starting from scratch or eloping would be a big ordeal, so those are my thoughts for now. keep us posted!
 
Robbie,

First off, I am sorry that you are having to go through this. I know that this is extremely difficult for you and your FI. It goes without saying that we all support you here.

Honestly, I would think that at this point (3 months away right?) that it would do more harm than good to cancel everything. Not just because of the inconvenience for everyone, but because I think that in some strange way, the last email that you recieved was an attempt at an apology from your father. The only reason that I mention that is because my father used to be the same way (the yelling, abuse, etc.) and this is very reminiscent of how he would "apologize" for his actions. I think that you will need to talk to them about everything that you are feeling - just not now. Once everything is out of the way and you and your FI are settled into married life, then I might go back and talk to your parents about your relationship. I actually had to sit my father down in church one day to hash it out ( I knew in a church he wouldn''t yell or what not). It was awful and hard, but it had to be done.

I know that lying low until the wedding is hard (you are the bride!) but just try to pick your battles. And overall, try to stay calm. If you know that you are angry, just give yourself time to cool off. If they call you and yell at you just listen and tell them that you need to calm down in order to talk to them. When you feel like you have collected yourself enough, call them back. I know that all the advice that has been given is much easier to type than it is to execute, but I would hate to think that in another month, the same thing will be happening again if you and your parents get into another fight.

Again, I am sorry that you are going through this.
 
Date: 6/25/2007 10:33:19 AM
Author: Stephanie
Robbie,

First off, I am sorry that you are having to go through this. I know that this is extremely difficult for you and your FI. It goes without saying that we all support you here.

Honestly, I would think that at this point (3 months away right?) that it would do more harm than good to cancel everything. Not just because of the inconvenience for everyone, but because I think that in some strange way, the last email that you recieved was an attempt at an apology from your father. The only reason that I mention that is because my father used to be the same way (the yelling, abuse, etc.) and this is very reminiscent of how he would ''apologize'' for his actions. I think that you will need to talk to them about everything that you are feeling - just not now. Once everything is out of the way and you and your FI are settled into married life, then I might go back and talk to your parents about your relationship. I actually had to sit my father down in church one day to hash it out ( I knew in a church he wouldn''t yell or what not). It was awful and hard, but it had to be done.

I know that lying low until the wedding is hard (you are the bride!) but just try to pick your battles. And overall, try to stay calm. If you know that you are angry, just give yourself time to cool off. If they call you and yell at you just listen and tell them that you need to calm down in order to talk to them. When you feel like you have collected yourself enough, call them back. I know that all the advice that has been given is much easier to type than it is to execute, but I would hate to think that in another month, the same thing will be happening again if you and your parents get into another fight.

Again, I am sorry that you are going through this.
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Can''t stress how important that is in dealing with parents who have these kind of control issues. I''m glad you are figuring out what is right for you right now and moving forward!
 
Hi Robbie,

I think at this point you are right to continue with the plans...it''s only 3 months away and going through calling the wedding off might just hurt more feelings.

I''m sure this is very hard on you....try to focus on the positive, in less than 3 months you will be married and then enjoying a great HM!. Don''t let anyone ruin your day...yes, they''re paying, but it is a day for you and FI...so I would just accept the fact that since they''re financing it, some things will go their way and not yours. Don''t let that stress you. Above all I think the most important thing would be to keep a respectful relationship for now...I hope eventually you guys will have time to work on your issues.

Smile, you''re getting married!
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M~
 
I would still allow them to pay for it, I would just know that going forward, since I am financially independent, that I no longer will be controlled by their funds. Also, he may be feeling so many mixed feelings and be terrible at showing tenderness. Maybe he is scared and does not know how to respond, but there is no excuse for being nasty or making a child feel they are not decent or competent when they are.
 
hey robbie! i think that the communication from your father is a plus. as i said in my earlier post harsh things get said when people are angry. it is the rare person who is able to always control their tongue. this is only my opinion but with age you realize sometimes it''s better to forgive and have a good and loving relationship even if you have different expectations.

you are on your own now and this would not have come up if not for the wedding planning and expenses. your future will hopefully include your family but in a much more limited way. you will be able to take what is said with a grain of salt since your father will no longer have strings to pull. i hope that you can put this behind you and have a wonderful wedding.

i have been the parent and the child and even with the hard times it is well worth trying to maintain peace, love and harmony. you have the total choice to stay away when things are volatile and to be present and loving when things are going smoothly. i know that you are an intelligent young woman and will do what is best for yourself, your fiance and both families. good luck!
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I am going to disagree with everyone else. I don''t think it is right to "allow" or "let" your parents pay for this lavish party for you when you still have these feelings towards them and want little to do with them after. Paying for a wedding is a HUGE gift. You can have a wedding and still have his immediate family there so their feelings wouldn''t be hurt. Get married at a courthouse and celebrate with those closest with you at your house. You don''t need a 4 course catered meal to be married. I just wouldn''t feel comfortable starting out a marriage with such a huge gift from someone your fiance doesn''t like and you have such a strained relationship with. Whatever you decide I hope everything works out for you.
 
I normally stay out of the wedding stuff but enjoy reading all the posts.

Robbie,
I would not continue as though nothing has happened. Believe me, this will come back and bite you HARD. Your parents will turn around one day and hold this over your head when you have another argument in the future. Say, thanks but no thanks. Get married with what you can afford on your own dime. That way you''ll have full control of everything and they will not play this "tug of war" with you emotionally and financially.
 
it is interesting that after all of this drama, your dad is the one to extend the olive branch to you AND still offer to pay for what they said they would. he didn't even really ask you for an apology to your mother. maybe he's not quite so evil after all.

it's also interesting to me that now you say your fiance is willing to 'act how he always does' (which is what, thinly veiled contempt?) so that you can continue on with your parents paying for the wedding you want because it's just 'easier'. but 2 days ago when your dad was daring to tell you what he thought, you were both ready to just cut him entirely out of your life.

i think that instead of just pointing the finger at your parents and calling your dad bi-polar or saying he's being cruel, that you might want to really examine your own part (and your FI's part) in all of this as well, and see where you two can improve in your relations with your parents. there is always two sides to any story. if you really feel that strongly about how horrible your relationship and upbringing is/was, i seriously don't understand why you'd consider 'faking' it to just get them to pay for the wedding and continue because it's easy. you may not have any say over what your dad thinks or if he wants to examine himself but you can look deeper into yourself. also...i can totally understand the 'easier' aspect but i just think you might regret that mind-set later in more than one way.

in any case good luck with your wedding and your relationship with your family. maybe both sides would benefit from some distancing when it's all said and done.
 
Date: 6/25/2007 1:17:57 PM
Author: Chrono
I normally stay out of the wedding stuff but enjoy reading all the posts.

Robbie,
I would not continue as though nothing has happened. Believe me, this will come back and bite you HARD. Your parents will turn around one day and hold this over your head when you have another argument in the future. Say, thanks but no thanks. Get married with what you can afford on your own dime. That way you'll have full control of everything and they will not play this 'tug of war' with you emotionally and financially.
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Good point... Unfortunately.. Robbie, I hope that you throughly weigh both sides before chosing what you will do. Good luck, and we'll be here for you.
 
Mara...well said.

The only person you can change is yourself...stop worrying about your parents actions and start changing your own.

Also, how can you feel ok accepting money from your parents when you only want a limited relationship with them...I think you are being just as selfish.
 
I have to agree with recent posts about continuing on just because "it is easier". This is the time for you to stand up as an adult and choose a different path, not the same one where Daddy pays for everything while holding it over your head. It sounds odd to me that you and your FI are okay with taking so much money from someone neither of you want much to do with in the future. I dont really think that's cool at all. I understand that standing up and doing your own wedding right now would be a tad bit "inconvenient" but being an adult isn't always convenient, it's about doing the right thing. Why is your FI suddenly alright about a man he doesn't even like, paying for his wedding? I dont get that at all. In any case, this will be my last post on this subject as I'm getting completely lost on the real issues at hand. Good luck and I hope things work out the way you want them to.
 
That''s a great point Mara...I didn''t even see it that way until you posted.

I just really don''t see all the evilness. I do see someone that lost control and said some things that shouldn''t have been said. Then I see someone backing down because he knows this day is important to you. I truly can see by his emails, that him and your mom love you. Parents won''t always be correct or perfect....babies don''t come with a little training manual under their arms. I wouldn''t allow my FI to ever say anything like that about my family. I can get mad at them...or say my sister is selfish after a fight or whatever...but my FI knows it is Ok for ME to say it, but not for him. Because at the end of the day, they''re my family and I love them.

I think for your own benefit, you sould set some boundaries (on all sides) and try to work on each relationship separately.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck. I hope in the 3 remaining months things smooth out so you can all celebrate and enjoy (however you decide to do it) the union of you and your FI.

M~
 
i am not a bit surprised that the father extended the olive branch. he thought about what had happened and realized things had gone too far and tried to do something to make them right. the ball is in robbie''s court now. she can look inside and try to mend fences or not. only she and her father know what needs to be done here as we are all just outside observers and have only heard one side.

i do believe it is possible to end old behaviors and start fresh. that is why we have hope for the future as each day offers a new chance. it is all about what you make it. no matter who is at fault they can choose to get along in the future since contact can be as much or as little as they each desire.

i fear i have said too much but i really hate to see a father and daughter at odds over something that is really not that important. not the wedding or her relationship with her fiance or their families but the way the wedding invitations were handled.
 
Date: 6/25/2007 1:28:32 PM
Author: blondie23

Also, how can you feel ok accepting money from your parents when you only want a limited relationship with them...I think you are being just as selfish.
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I have to disagree with this. Considering the situation, she will create even more family disharmony by NOT accepting the money. Is that best in the long run? Maybe not. Will it get her through this life-changing event? YES. The emotions are very raw here, and they are certainly running deep, but this is situational as much as it is clinical. The "little girl getting married" bit WILL subside once the wedding is over. The way he treats her won''t, but she will be able to distance herself because she''ll be married.

There are all sorts of crises that happen during life transitions, and this is definitely one of them. Granted, the father and daughter both have a lot more issues under the surface, but I don''t see this as the right time to shake things up. If it were still 6 months out, fine... but the wedding is too close to just cancel it for spite''s sake. He''ll bring up the lost deposits because you wouldn''t listen to him just as often as he''ll bring up the cost of the wedding, but he may actually have a good time at the wedding and will remember THAT more than the cost.

Part of being a child of a difficult parent is learning when to duck. I''ve seen it time and time again with friends, and now with my FI and his mother. Sometimes you just have to stay out of the way, and sometimes you have to stand up for principle. I think this is more of a "stay out of the way" thing. Were he telling you that he didn''t support the marriage, THAT would be a stand-up thing.... he''s just using the time to harrass you as best he can... that''s a "Stay out of the way".
 
Date: 6/25/2007 1:11:25 PM
Author: indecisive
I am going to disagree with everyone else. I don''t think it is right to ''allow'' or ''let'' your parents pay for this lavish party for you when you still have these feelings towards them and want little to do with them after. Paying for a wedding is a HUGE gift. You can have a wedding and still have his immediate family there so their feelings wouldn''t be hurt. Get married at a courthouse and celebrate with those closest with you at your house. You don''t need a 4 course catered meal to be married. I just wouldn''t feel comfortable starting out a marriage with such a huge gift from someone your fiance doesn''t like and you have such a strained relationship with. Whatever you decide I hope everything works out for you.
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I have to agree with this. I really wouldn''t accept his money if you''re planning to have little to do with him afterwards. I would just say to him that after what has happened, you really really appreciate his offer, but you and your FI have decided that you are adults and are going to pay for it yourself and that you look forward to having your parents there. I just don''t think that you can use someone for their money when you want little to do with them before or after. I don''t mean to upset you by what I''ve said, it''s just my opinion on it.
 
Robbie, I see so many parallels in your father''s behavior and my own father''s behavior. My father was a diagnosed manic-depressive -- I don''t think they had the term bi-polar back then. When I read that your father would wake you up in the middle of the night to continue an argument it sent a chill up my spine. My father did that as well and I had almost completely forgotten the sickening fear of being woken up by someone enraged at me. I may very well be projecting my own life/relationship with father on you, but it sounds to me like the pattern of what happened here has probably happened again and again in your life and will continue to happen again and again unless/until you change your own behavior. I''m sure you know that too; I think it''s great that you have a therapist to hash this stuff out with.

I don''t think you''re ''selling out'' by going along with the wedding as planned. To back out now is going to be perceived by your immediate and extended family as ''Robbie trying to make a big fuss out of nothing; trying to make Dad look bad when all he did was give some fatherly advice in an email; Robbie being stubborn and impulsive." But Dad did, when his roiling emotions subsided, extend an olive branch. I hope for your own sake you will take it -- and that you will tell him in person, not in an email! Why not apologize to your mom. You said yourself you were having a bridezilla moment so an apology would be sincere.

If I were you, I''d call them up and say that both you and your fiance want to meet with them. In person, I''d apologize to Mom and I''d tell them both that of course you want them at your wedding. (You may be very angry with your Dad now and you are rightfully hurt that he didn''t come to your graduation. So a defense is to think, bah, I don''t give a crap if he comes to my wedding either. But you love Mom, right? Your wedding is forever going to be a sore point for her if your father isn''t there.) Then I''d tell Dad that it''s not that he''d ''ruin'' things by not attending/paying-- you and fi would figure out a way -- but that he is adding to your joy by giving you this gift and you are truly grateful. Since this is the wedding you and fi want, that *is* the truth, no? And then, I think you and fi could ask your parents if the cost of the wedding could be considered a loan that you would repay. You could tell them that it''s your way of feeling truly emancipated. It''s still a wonderful gift because it allows you to have the wedding you want NOW. I''d emphasize appreciation so as not to appear to be saying -- hey, you''re not giving us anything, it''s just a loan.

Finally, I would quietly take the ex-BF''s parents off the invitation list. Right or wrong, the idea of having them there makes your father uncomfortable and you said your mom ''essentially agreed'' with what he wrote in his email so she''s not too thrilled with the idea of them being there either. Yeah, maybe it''s hypocritical, so what. It''s not that I feel they''re allowed to be ''hypocrites'' because they''re paying for stuff, it''s because they''re your parents. Like all parents, they put their kids'' needs before their own COUNTLESS times. They changed a few diapers, they had a few dress shirts ruined by spittle, they had their brand new dresser ruined by stupid daughter spilling nail polish remover (oh, wait that was my parents, nevermind), sleepless nights when you were ill or out late...they''re entitled to some hypocrisy now and then!

At some point you will learn to detach yourself emotionally from your father. The fact that he doesn''t think you are ever ''good enough'' isn''t a reflection of your actual worth, it''s a reflection of his own insecurities/unhappiness. When you try to get your mom to see how ''wrong'' he is remember that deep down she already knows. Having you react to it is yet another burden for her. (again, I may be projecting my own experiences here!)

Well, I really hope you and fi can work it all out. I did not get the impression that fi was going to treat Dad badly when you said he would act the way he always has. I thought that meant that he would act respectfully as usual; I hope I''m right!

Good luck Robbie!
 
Date: 6/25/2007 1:20:51 PM
Author: Mara
it is interesting that after all of this drama, your dad is the one to extend the olive branch to you AND still offer to pay for what they said they would. he didn''t even really ask you for an apology to your mother. maybe he''s not quite so evil after all.

it''s also interesting to me that now you say your fiance is willing to ''act how he always does'' (which is what, thinly veiled contempt?) so that you can continue on with your parents paying for the wedding you want because it''s just ''easier''. but 2 days ago when your dad was daring to tell you what he thought, you were both ready to just cut him entirely out of your life.

i think that instead of just pointing the finger at your parents and calling your dad bi-polar or saying he''s being cruel, that you might want to really examine your own part (and your FI''s part) in all of this as well, and see where you two can improve in your relations with your parents. there is always two sides to any story. if you really feel that strongly about how horrible your relationship and upbringing is/was, i seriously don''t understand why you''d consider ''faking'' it to just get them to pay for the wedding and continue because it''s easy. you may not have any say over what your dad thinks or if he wants to examine himself but you can look deeper into yourself. also...i can totally understand the ''easier'' aspect but i just think you might regret that mind-set later in more than one way.

in any case good luck with your wedding and your relationship with your family. maybe both sides would benefit from some distancing when it''s all said and done.
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I think this was a bit harsh.

Scenario recap: My mom and I have a fight that completely doesn''t involve my dad. He then sends me an insulting email about things that had nothing to do with the original fight which escalates into him sending another email saying he wants to cancel the wedding and that he never wants to see, talk to or have anything to do with me again.

So, now he''s the good guy because he sent another email saying that he''ll come to the wedding and never even asked for an apology??? I didn''t do anything to him! It was between me and my mom. What about him apologizing for everything that he said to me?

By my fiance acting "as he always does" he will continue to be nice and friendly to my dad. He does not act with thinly veiled contempt. My dad has no idea that FI doesn''t like him and he probably never will because FI is a good person who doesn''t want to hurt anyone''s feelings.

I also didn''t say that we''re doing this, just because it''s easier. I think it''s the best solution out of a bunch of no good solutions. Explaining to my parents'' family why they''re no longer invited wouldn''t just be uncomfortable for me. It would be uncomfortable for them (my parents) as well and refusing to take the money would not only piss them off even more, but it would cause them to lose a lot of money in deposits. If we''re the ones cancelling the wedding, we should be the ones to pay for lost deposits and we definitely do not have the money to do this on its own let alone pay for lost deposits AND scrape together a smaller wedding.

We aren''t "faking" anything to get money. Going on as things have always been and faking it are not the same. Taking a stand on this now would only make things worse.

Believe me, I wish there was some other alternative that would be great for everyone, but there isn''t. If we elope in St. Lucia pretty much no one can be there. Not only does that make us sad, but it makes them sad as well. If we have a very scaled down wedding we have to not invite extended family and then explain to said extended family why they''re no longer invited. This would upset both my parents and my FI and me. Going on as is my FI and I have to deal with the fact that we''re uncomfortable with the way things are, everyone gets to be there and my parents get to keep up appearances to the extended family that everything''s just fine.
 
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