jas
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- May 9, 2006
- Messages
- 1,991
This is very long and I apologize.
The tribes are warring...Despite the fact that I was trying to approach FIL''s shall we say...overabundant participation and displays of "affection" with humor and patience, it has all hit the fan...
FMIL keeps "suggesting" to my mom how to do things, what she wants, what the right thing(s) to do is/are, etc. FIL keep moving the target in terms of what they are doing for parties, rehearsal dinners...they just keep getting bigger and bigger and more "wedding reception-like."
Sometimes it''s little things, like when I mentioned to my FI that we''re sending a few more courtesy invites (we know 100% they will not come), he mentioned this to his mom. FMIL told my mom that since we''re inviting these new people, can she please please please add 4 people to the list. It''s now heavily balanced on the groom''s side.
Sometimes it''s big things...parties keep getting more and more elaborate (against my wishes)...FMIL insisting on getting certain guests'' addresses from our side to invite to the rehearsal dinner, but insisting we do not invite any of her side to the day-after breakfast because "they won''t come anyway."
FMIL does not pass any of this information on to me, by the way. She hasn''t communicated with me directly at all.
Adding to this, my parents have graciously agreed to FI and my joint request not to have a kosher meal (although we have kosher meal options) -- they were fine with this to a point. FI and I are paying for all food items. We have made it perfectly clear to all guests that kosher options (to the strictest standards) are available. For those of you who don''t know, there is a point to which certain very religious people will be very wary of even kosher food if not served in a certain way or certain place. We approached this knowing that about 6 guests will not come if this is not done in a super strict kosher fashion. My parents are ok with this -- I asked them if they feel this is disrespectful to their wishes or the wishes of their friends. "No! As long as we have the options..." I thought it was a done deal, and was happy we were able to bring in kosher options for those who are sort of on the fence about this sort of thing.
Yesterday, my mom broke down crying that she feels that my FIL''s are being incredibly disrespectful of her and my dad...that everyone on that side (minus FI) is running roughshod over our family...without acknowledging all of what we''re doing and the lovely wedding we''re hosting...and now (NOW!) she said she feels FI is being disrespectful of the kosher wishes (I reminded her that this is what FI and I want...and that we''re making accomodations for anyone who needs it/wants it) and for the first time, she voiced that she''s upset that my FI will not stand up to his family (since I''ve tried to talk with him about this.)
This broke my heart...but in a weird way it was helpful to see that I''m not the only one in my family who feels like they''re being treated as nameless, faceless bride/bride''s family...at the mercy of their money...
I told my mom I would try to discuss this with FI again.
Yesterday, I had a long discussion with FI...I told him that I needed him to intervene...that we''re having some tribal union problems...that as "well-intentioned" as his momma and other women in his family are (and I was trying to be gracious...it''s his mommy after all), we need them to pull back & understand that we''re not classless people, that we will gladly ask for suggestions (as we have so far in a few areas) but they need to trust that we''d never do anything ridiculous.
Boy honestly didn''t get it. "It''s just a party...it''s nice that they''re throwing a nice party...maybe you''re taking suggestions too personally, mis-interpreting suggestions as an indictment of your your family''s intelligent and class."
I should mention that FI was in therapy for awhile regarding his family...he acknowledges that he has a hard time confronting his parents...he thought he had confronted them with my concerns a month ago.
"What changed since you''ve asked them to tone it down?" I asked him.
"Nothing," he admitted
He sees the problem...he supports me...but at this point in his life...he can stand by me if I push back...he cannot push alone. Although, to his credit, he said, "The women in my family are strong, stubborn, pushy...that''s the only thing they respond to." More importantly, he said to me, "You are my priority. We are a team. I''m by your side. I''m on your side. You need to tell me exactly what you need me to do."
I don''t mean to make him sound like a wus...he''s emotionally, well, a little stunted in terms of his family. One of the reasons he''s attracted to me is that I am NOT his mother...if that makes sense. I told him it''s hard to ask him to do stuff when I only find out about the upsetting stuff when it''s past the point of no return. But I did tell him that he needs to respect my upset and that of my mom...that it comes from a real place...a real trigger...no matter what the intentions...and that you''re not going to find people much more flexible than my mom and to a lesser extent, me...so when we feel bullied, you''d better believe it.
So I accepted all this...my mother, who honestly had the mother of all mother-in-laws (makes Marie on Everybody Loves Raymond look like the nicest person in the world) is sort of filtering some of her experiences into this. But for the first time today she said, "I worry that he will not take care of you."
She has never, ever said this...in fact she has said the exact opposite (and please, it''s not like I need to be taken care of...she means it in terms of emotional support)...I asked for clarification and she said that if he can''t act as a buffer now, I''m in for a lot of pain.
She extrapolated a lot of things, which I mostly attest to her own bad MIL experience...but I am shaken to the core. I said, "Are you suggesting I don''t marry him?"
"I''d never tell anybody that."
I accept FI has flaws...I know he would go to the ends of the earth for me...he''d just stop at his momma''s doorstop (you know?)...I know he takes care of me...he cannot (not will not, cannot) confront his mom at this point, certainly not about stuff she''s already done.
But now I feel my parents no longer support this marriage...I''m worried that I''m marrying into the anti-Waltons...and I have been absolutely miserable planning this wedding. The marriage, I am looking forward to....
So I don''t know what I''m going to do...no, eloping is not an option...but I need to vent...I want to be married to FI...I just don''t want this circus anymore, I don''t want to have to battle my FMIL for the next 20-30 years...I don''t ever want to see my FI look like he did last night...trapped between two worlds...and I do believe that, to an extent, you do marry a family.
I''ve always wanted to focus on the marriage...but it seems like there''s a great price to pay to get there...and an ongoing FMIL issue with which to contend.
Sorry to go on and on and on...I needed to write it all out.
I may have to call this off, because this is ripping me apart (for more fun, read my other thread about bridesmaids and how my sister is coloring this whole event as well)
Thanks,
Jackie
The tribes are warring...Despite the fact that I was trying to approach FIL''s shall we say...overabundant participation and displays of "affection" with humor and patience, it has all hit the fan...
FMIL keeps "suggesting" to my mom how to do things, what she wants, what the right thing(s) to do is/are, etc. FIL keep moving the target in terms of what they are doing for parties, rehearsal dinners...they just keep getting bigger and bigger and more "wedding reception-like."
Sometimes it''s little things, like when I mentioned to my FI that we''re sending a few more courtesy invites (we know 100% they will not come), he mentioned this to his mom. FMIL told my mom that since we''re inviting these new people, can she please please please add 4 people to the list. It''s now heavily balanced on the groom''s side.
Sometimes it''s big things...parties keep getting more and more elaborate (against my wishes)...FMIL insisting on getting certain guests'' addresses from our side to invite to the rehearsal dinner, but insisting we do not invite any of her side to the day-after breakfast because "they won''t come anyway."
FMIL does not pass any of this information on to me, by the way. She hasn''t communicated with me directly at all.
Adding to this, my parents have graciously agreed to FI and my joint request not to have a kosher meal (although we have kosher meal options) -- they were fine with this to a point. FI and I are paying for all food items. We have made it perfectly clear to all guests that kosher options (to the strictest standards) are available. For those of you who don''t know, there is a point to which certain very religious people will be very wary of even kosher food if not served in a certain way or certain place. We approached this knowing that about 6 guests will not come if this is not done in a super strict kosher fashion. My parents are ok with this -- I asked them if they feel this is disrespectful to their wishes or the wishes of their friends. "No! As long as we have the options..." I thought it was a done deal, and was happy we were able to bring in kosher options for those who are sort of on the fence about this sort of thing.
Yesterday, my mom broke down crying that she feels that my FIL''s are being incredibly disrespectful of her and my dad...that everyone on that side (minus FI) is running roughshod over our family...without acknowledging all of what we''re doing and the lovely wedding we''re hosting...and now (NOW!) she said she feels FI is being disrespectful of the kosher wishes (I reminded her that this is what FI and I want...and that we''re making accomodations for anyone who needs it/wants it) and for the first time, she voiced that she''s upset that my FI will not stand up to his family (since I''ve tried to talk with him about this.)
This broke my heart...but in a weird way it was helpful to see that I''m not the only one in my family who feels like they''re being treated as nameless, faceless bride/bride''s family...at the mercy of their money...
I told my mom I would try to discuss this with FI again.
Yesterday, I had a long discussion with FI...I told him that I needed him to intervene...that we''re having some tribal union problems...that as "well-intentioned" as his momma and other women in his family are (and I was trying to be gracious...it''s his mommy after all), we need them to pull back & understand that we''re not classless people, that we will gladly ask for suggestions (as we have so far in a few areas) but they need to trust that we''d never do anything ridiculous.
Boy honestly didn''t get it. "It''s just a party...it''s nice that they''re throwing a nice party...maybe you''re taking suggestions too personally, mis-interpreting suggestions as an indictment of your your family''s intelligent and class."
I should mention that FI was in therapy for awhile regarding his family...he acknowledges that he has a hard time confronting his parents...he thought he had confronted them with my concerns a month ago.
"What changed since you''ve asked them to tone it down?" I asked him.
"Nothing," he admitted
He sees the problem...he supports me...but at this point in his life...he can stand by me if I push back...he cannot push alone. Although, to his credit, he said, "The women in my family are strong, stubborn, pushy...that''s the only thing they respond to." More importantly, he said to me, "You are my priority. We are a team. I''m by your side. I''m on your side. You need to tell me exactly what you need me to do."
I don''t mean to make him sound like a wus...he''s emotionally, well, a little stunted in terms of his family. One of the reasons he''s attracted to me is that I am NOT his mother...if that makes sense. I told him it''s hard to ask him to do stuff when I only find out about the upsetting stuff when it''s past the point of no return. But I did tell him that he needs to respect my upset and that of my mom...that it comes from a real place...a real trigger...no matter what the intentions...and that you''re not going to find people much more flexible than my mom and to a lesser extent, me...so when we feel bullied, you''d better believe it.
So I accepted all this...my mother, who honestly had the mother of all mother-in-laws (makes Marie on Everybody Loves Raymond look like the nicest person in the world) is sort of filtering some of her experiences into this. But for the first time today she said, "I worry that he will not take care of you."
She has never, ever said this...in fact she has said the exact opposite (and please, it''s not like I need to be taken care of...she means it in terms of emotional support)...I asked for clarification and she said that if he can''t act as a buffer now, I''m in for a lot of pain.
She extrapolated a lot of things, which I mostly attest to her own bad MIL experience...but I am shaken to the core. I said, "Are you suggesting I don''t marry him?"
"I''d never tell anybody that."
I accept FI has flaws...I know he would go to the ends of the earth for me...he''d just stop at his momma''s doorstop (you know?)...I know he takes care of me...he cannot (not will not, cannot) confront his mom at this point, certainly not about stuff she''s already done.
But now I feel my parents no longer support this marriage...I''m worried that I''m marrying into the anti-Waltons...and I have been absolutely miserable planning this wedding. The marriage, I am looking forward to....
So I don''t know what I''m going to do...no, eloping is not an option...but I need to vent...I want to be married to FI...I just don''t want this circus anymore, I don''t want to have to battle my FMIL for the next 20-30 years...I don''t ever want to see my FI look like he did last night...trapped between two worlds...and I do believe that, to an extent, you do marry a family.
I''ve always wanted to focus on the marriage...but it seems like there''s a great price to pay to get there...and an ongoing FMIL issue with which to contend.
Sorry to go on and on and on...I needed to write it all out.
I may have to call this off, because this is ripping me apart (for more fun, read my other thread about bridesmaids and how my sister is coloring this whole event as well)
Thanks,
Jackie
Sure we have spats involving her.. but nothing to end the marriage over..
300x240.png)