May I please vent??

[jas]

Ok, I feel like ever since I''ve gotten engaged I''ve only been running into brick walls.

My parents and I are paying for the wedding. We have enough funds to put on the wedding of our dreams, but it''s not an unlimited pool, and I am budgeting as best I can, happily, because my focus has always been on the marriage, not one day of it.

FI''s family is extremely well off, and generally lovely people (they''d have to be, their son is the love of my life.) Unfortunately, in the year and a half I''ve known them, they have, on more than one occasion (unrelated to the wedding) said, "money is no object" -- for example, when we order something in a restaurant, they will ask the waiter for something special (which is fine to ask, I think) but then tack on "money is no object."

Let me also preface this by saying my parents are proud and old fashioned and they and I want to pay for the wedding ourselves. We are certainly not struggling, but we are aware of every penny.

Future Inlaws keep adding people to the guest list, topping it out at our max...they are staying at our max, but it''s a lot of "well, if we invite X, we have to invite Y and Z and possibly Q"

Ok, so far, not a huge issue. They did offer to pay if the numbers go haywire, which is actually very considerate, but so far, we''re able to work with the numbers.

The real issue is that his parents are throwing several "prenuptual parties" -- not showers (they have been very specific about that.) I am having a shower thrown by my MOH and friends to which his mom, aunt and sister are invited, but the numbers have to stay small. FMIL huffed a little about this because she has ELEVEN first cousins and 5 best friends she wanted to invite, but understood that my friends are teachers and couldn''t afford this (my darling MOH explained this in a very appropriate and loving way.)

FMIL did NOT invite the cousins and best friends to any of the pre-nup parties.

The problem is that the prenup parties are turning into huge "events" -- 50 to 60 people (only 10 of which are my family)...and they are professionally printing up invites that read "cocktail attire" -- which is a financial strain on some members of my family.

I felt a little weird about this, but they come from different "circles" and I am trying to be gracious -- after all, they''re throwing parties for us, right?

The real issue came up 2 days ago with the rehearsal dinner. They are inviting 70 people from their side, the wedding party, and want to invite all of our out of towners (which there will be many). They want to have up to 150 people at this thing! They have rented one of the most expensive restaurants in the city, and have hired an event planner for this thing -- it''s going to cost them over $120 a person (I saw the menu and other rentals they are planning on using.)

Most of my OOT guests will not be available for the rehearsal dinner b/c they are coming in the morning of the wedding, and others will not come because of dietary restrictions, and the rest won''t come because they want to hang out with their friends and family in Chicago. So, at max, we''d have 14 people (not including the wedding party or the 4 people in my immediate family.)

I explained this to my FI, and he insisted we try to get them to come because his mother is trying to do the right thing.

I cannot argue with that, and again, hate to sound like an ungrateful wench.

I haven''t even had time to finish the master guest list, and his mother is sending me nasty emails (all done with a smile, of course) saying that I have her guest list and she needs mine immediately so she can send invites for the RD to the printers.

Did I mention that we''re doing an Italian themed meal (which she''s known) and she booked this at an Italian restaurant that is nicer than the caterer I''m using?

I''m a little miffed because the RD will rival the wedding in scope, and it is becoming off-putting to my parents and to me. I know nothing will take away from the specialness of our wedding day, and i wish I could articulate why I''m feeling they''re trying to be competitive -- the RD, as I understand it, is supposed to be fun and low-stress to add some fun to a stress-filled week.

I''m sorry...I guess if I were a nicer person, I would just say how lovely it is they want to do something so extravagent, and it''s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity...but I''m just feeling like a Sea Hag because I want the wedding day to be unique...and I know it will, but there''s a part of me that''s saying that all this partying and RD is taking away from the years of work I had to put in to save the money for the special day I''m planning.

I just needed to get that off my chest. Lob the fireballs at me if you must. I feel wretched. Please feel free to tell me I''m being a dolt. Or not. It''s just a yukky feeling. Which is funny considering I really do just want to focus on the marriage, and now my competitive spirit is being poked at for one silly party. (Fortunately, I know the wedding ceremony will be memorable and beautiful and maybe I should just focus on that.) --

Ramblingly yours,
Jackie

 

[Rebemdee]

Jackie, you are not a dolt. It sounds like your in-laws are leaving you feeling powerless and out of control, and that must feel terrible. They keep making decisions without checking with you, and certainly aren''t doing what YOU want, they are doing what THEY want. They have people to impress and it has nothing to do with you.

Your wedding will be lovely, special, and absolutely perfect, because it is what YOU want. It''s not about the money, it''s about your personality and attention to your guests, and there is no amount of cash that can equal an earnest, heartfelt, honest commitment to love and honor your fiance for the rest of your lives. So I say, "PLTH." Let them run around planning this stuff. The people who they need to impress will be dutifully impressed, your friends and family will roll their eyes and know you had nothing to do with it. Your wedding guests wont remember the food at the rehearsal dinner; they will remember YOUR wedding, YOUR caterer, and YOUR day. The only thing people remember about my rehearsal dinner is my nephew vomiting all over it! Nobody can remember what we ate or even where it was. It''s just not that important to anybody except the people throwing the party. Be gracious, appreciate their gesture, and you will have lots of goodwill going into your wedding day. Just remember in the future, if your in-laws make plans you don''t like, you can say NO. This just isn''t the time to do it, IMHO.

 

[ladykemma]

with all these pre nup parties (which I have never heard of) and the upstaged rehearsal dinner,they are implying that the wedding your family is providing is not good enough.

the role of the mother in law is to wear beige and say "that''s nice, dear".

 

[decodelighted]

If they felt the wedding day you & your parents were planning "wasn''t good enough" for them/their friends/their son ... the gracious thing to do would be to donate liberally - perhaps 50% more.

What THEY are doing is putting their money where OTHER PEOPLE WILL SEE IT and KNOW that "that''s THEIR" contribution. They want CREDIT. They want PRAISE. They want ATTENTION.

Maybe if you see them for the selfish, petty, materialistic show-offs they really are ... you won''t feel so competitive with them

.

Believe me ... I think many of the guests at both events will see the similarities and "over-the-top" ness of the RD and FEEL YOUR PAIN. Smart folks can see thru boorish behavior disguised with "a smile" as you said.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 7/1/2006 10:13:17 AM
Author: decodelighted
If they felt the wedding day you & your parents were planning ''wasn''t good enough'' for them/their friends/their son ... the gracious thing to do would be to donate liberally - perhaps 50% more.

What THEY are doing is putting their money where OTHER PEOPLE WILL SEE IT and KNOW that ''that''s THEIR'' contribution. They want CREDIT. They want PRAISE. They want ATTENTION.

Maybe if you see them for the selfish, petty, materialistic show-offs they really are ... you won''t feel so competitive with them

.

Believe me ... I think many of the guests at both events will see the similarities and ''over-the-top'' ness of the RD and FEEL YOUR PAIN. Smart folks can see thru boorish behavior disguised with ''a smile'' as you said.

Ditto, ditto, ditto. To each and every single point here, ditto! They want the credit, the praise, the attention, the recognition of THEIR lavish and extravagant contribution. The proper thing to do would have been to donate to the wedding if they felt it wasn''t good enough or expensive enough. And believe me, guests will see through this, I have no doubt.

 

[Gypsy]

Oh honey. Let me tell you about a friend of mine''s wedding.

Her mother hated his family... and didn''t like him. His family was very nice, but hurt because her mother wouldn''t let them help at all. Not financially (both families were very well off) but with details and such... the groom''s mother wanted to help plan her son''s wedding day and the bride''s mother was well... being selfish.

This is what happened. Bride''s mom booked their country club for the wedding-- catering was fabulous but buffet... and the day was not formal... semi formal ish. No favors.

Grooms mom booked the rival country club to theirs and did a formal sit down dinner with 5 course plated meals... full bar, you name it for the night before. The flowers alone were amazing... the rest was fabulous. There was no dancing... but really.. . there was a string quartet... so it was like a wedding, right down the the silver picture frame favors.

As guests... yes, it did occur to us that there was something strange going on... but both the bride and groom explained (without making either mother look bad) that their mother''s each wanted to throw events for them... and that each event was a unique expression of the mother''s taste.

We enjoyed both... but as lovely as the rehersal dinner was... it was the wedding day (even though it wasn''t sit down, or formal, and the flowers were ugly) that sticks in my mind. The other was just a nice party... it didn''t eclipse the wedding at all.

The bride was stressed about this until she realized that there was nothing she could do... and then she just threw up her hands and decided to enjoy her wedding planning and ignore the rest. She''s happily married with a duaghter, now and really... has the memories of her wedding day that she cherishes... and the rest has faded away.

It''s going to be okay. Don''t get competitive... that way lies madness.

 

[chickflick]

I would feel just as frustrated as you do- you''re trying to plan within a budget so carefully and still give everyone a lovely day, and here they are casually tossing around money like it''s water. I think you should be very proud of what you and your parents have done because anyone can throw money at something and make it nice- it''s much harder to do it on a budget yet I''ve no doubt that that is exactly what you''ve done with your wedding. Besides, the things that will make your wedding special are the things that money can''t buy, like the love and pride you feel for your groom and your family. My suggestion would be just continue being gracious, but also don''t try to go out of your way like asking people who planned to come into town the day-of to come in the day before instead. No one should be inconvenienced for a RD. It''s not about the rehearsal- it''s about the wedding!

Hugs to you, sweetie! I''m sure you will look back on all of this in a year and wonder why you were so worried.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Jackie~
I am so sorry you are stressing over yet another setback with your wedding. Maybe not a setback, but a definite inconvenience. I agree whole-heartedly with LadyK, Deco, and FireGoddess. Just by reading your post it is clear your FMIL is indirectly sending you the message that what you're doing isn't good enough, and/or not enough attention will be focused on her. I too, would be hurt, frustrated, and put down.

Gypsy mentioned a similar situation and as a guest it was obvious what was happening. I also witnessed this in October. A teacher I work with got married in October. Less than a week after her wedding, her mother-in-law sent out invitations for a party, at a nice banquet hall, full dinner, open bar, dj, the whole nine yards. The invitations read "Please join us as they celebrate their wedding vows." This woman made no reference to the fact that they had already gotten married, and told her she was REQUIRED to wear her wedding dress! She was fuming, and rightfully so. I can't believe the nerve of some family members sometimes. It was like her son hadn't gotten married the weekend before, and everyone instantly came to the conclusion that she just wanted to plan a wedding since she didn't have a daughter of her own. The woman actually attempted to throw another wedding! Can you believe that? Anyway, you're not alone and I really doubt if your family and guests attend an Italian-themed RD planned by your FMIL and an Italian-themed wedding planned by you, your FI, and your family, they won't see the writing on the wall (FMIL's desperate attempt to show-up your wedding day for her own ego.) If nothing else, remember that your wedding is about celebrating your marriage with your family and friends who love you.

Please don't go out of your way to appease your FMIL...if some of your guests can't make it to Chicago until the morning of the wedding, too bad. Your wedding day is the most important. Also, everything happens for a reason, right? So it's a good thing you guys pushed up the wedding to September. In a little over two months the competition will be over and you'll be a happily married couple!

Good luck and stay sane,
Megan

 

[codex57]

Jas, you''ve got my sympathies. Don''t worry. You''re not alone. Pretty much everyone runs into contant walls and endless headaches. We managed to have a great time at our wedding, but my wife and I still agree that eloping woulda been a much better decision.

I always recommend eloping whenever someone asks.

 

[laine]

To echo what everyone else as said, the future in-laws are trying to impress people, however, their actions will not do this, as everyone will see right through it.

My cousin just got married, with a reception at her dad's country club, which was lovely, but not extravagent, as they were on a budget. The night before, the grooms family threw the rehersal dinner at their country club, with a sit down dinner with seat assignments and floral centerpieces, open bar, and DJ. But for the lack of a wedding dress, it was essentially a reception. There were about 6 tables of the groom's family's guests, and a table and a half of the bride's. The groom's father gave a toast that alluded to the greatness of his family, telling the bride that she should meet all these wonderful people, including lawyers, doctors, phds, and a pilot. The bride's father gave a toast about how he loved his daughter, was proud of her, and was so glad she and her husband to be were so happy together.

Guess who came out of this looking better? You have nothing to worry about. You will shine, and your guests will see your in-laws for what they are.

 

[jas]

Thank you all for your responses...I really haven''t had the heart to respond lately...FMIL asked my Fiance for the guest list and is inviting every single OOT guest we have on there (FI doesn''t think it''s a problem...in his mind it''s just extending the party) as well as bridal party and immediate families. There will be florists and caterers and printers involved, just like a wedding.

We will have a minimum of 105 people (using the 75% rule) at the RD. Apparently, his family also tends to use Rehearsal Dinners and other big occasions to "roast" the couple/celebrants. I asked his mother what this meant, (I said I''d love to participate in what I called the "speechmaking")

She said, and these words are seared into my mind, "Oh, a poem, a skit, a song, a speech...be as nasty as you want."

So now I''m doubley sick over this in-your-face pre-emptive reception slash humiliate the bride and groom cuz it''s funny thing. Now, my fiance loves that sort of thing because the only affection he was shown as a child was the teasing/playful/"let me pick on you" kind...fine with your buddies, odd from your family.

I do NOT wish to be poked fun at during the RD, where I will already be frazzled by having to mingle w/ 100 guests and go on and on about how lovely a RD it is and how GRACIOUS my FILs are being to throw a hundred thousand dollars away like this.

And now his mama is starting in -- "What about the day-after brunch" -- which my parents are hosting...she wants the same 100+ people there.

My parents sent out the "come on over JAS and FI and FILs for a barbecue" and she wrote back to them -- "I don''t think we should ask the kids to do anything else right now, they''re really busy" -- and then turned around and told us that her friends are throwing yet ANOTHER party (not a shower, a party.)

And since I''m on a tear -- Fiance''s great aunt is throwing one of the pre-nup party. She just emailed me, instructing me who to invite (she''s the etiquette police) and telling me she needs the list NOW because she has to go to the printers for the invites and oh-by-the-way she''ll be putting an entree response card in there (this is for a freaking party) because, and I quote, "Right now one does not want to eat what is plunked down before him/her like in yester year!"

Guess what I''m doing for the wedding? Plunking down stuff before the guests.

I can''t tell you how absolutely miserable I am about this...I feel this is making me bitter and insane. Not a good combo.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[galeteia]

Oh my god. This seems to be getting worse and worse. First they are overthrowing your right to call veto on your own wedding plans, and now they''re manuevering to put you in a place where they can pick on you openly and you are unable to defend yourself.

If I were you, I''d put the breaks on this turn of events, STAT. It seems to me that they don''t respect your wishes, and are only concerned with their own agenda. This is not the sort of stress you need the night before your wedding.

If you gave the impression that your FILS were warm, considerate, gentle people who love teasing one another and consider you to be part of their family, and entitled to the same respect and treatment as they get, I''d say roasts are harmless. But that''s not the impression I''ve gotten

This sounds like an exercise in bloodletting. Just my .02.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Jas...you poor thing. I also think since you''re evidently very upset about all of this you and your FI (or maybe just your FI) should talk to his parents and ask them to cool it. Wedding planning is stressful, especially if you''re getting everything together in a matter of months, but I don''t think it should be THIS stressful. It''s just one thing after another for you. If you don''t want to be made fun of during YOUR RD, let it be known. Your FI should back you up on this also. And did you say 100k? Wow. That''s a tad bit overboard. Keep venting all you must, and I don''t have much advice other than to talk it out and let your needs be known. This is YOUR wedding after all. Good luck and I hope you get everything straightened out!

 

[ladykemma]

another party? a day after brunch? are you kidding?

let's practice: "No thanks, we are overbooked."
"No thanks, enough is planned"
"No thanks."

 

[IrishAngel7982]

I agree LadyK...numerous pre-parties, a ridiculous RD, and a brunch the day after the wedding? If I were a guest I''d probably be too tired!!! Jas, maybe you should elope and plan a surprise reception.

Just kidding, but I think things are getting a little out of hand.

 

[Gypsy]

OH GOD!

A roast?

I have to tell you. I admire you. My fiance would be roasting over a spit somewhere in the wilds of South America after I sold him into white slavery if it were me.

There is NO FREAKING WAY I would put up with this.

Put your foot down. Put Bigfoot''s foot down.

This is your freaking wedding. NOT this insane woman''s. Seriously. My Fiance would be in so much trouble for reigning in his crazy-arsed mother.

THIS IS NOT OKAY.

 

[ladykemma]

by gawd-- this is why i like southern weddings. tea, sandwiches, cake and punch, maybe a little barbecue, and then yippee skippee it''s all over. buh bye you''re off to your honeymoon.

is this a northern wedding by any chance? curious....

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Lol LadyKemma...yes I''m pretty sure Jas is from Chicago...However, I''m from Chicago also and I''ve never been to/heard of a wedding that spiraled out of control (aside from my coworker''s wedding where the MIL planned a second wedding after they got married and expected them to wear the wedding gown and tux). That was nipped in the bud asap, and I hope Jas''s ordeal will be also.

 

[ladykemma]

oooohhhhhhhh,. chicago. yup, up north. it's a regional thang.

see I have northern half of my extended familly - new york/ new jersey area. I think 5 dollars a plate they think 100 dollars a plate.

either way, JAS has some boundary setting to do because i don't think fiance will do it.
edited to add: actually they need to meet, make some decisions, and then present a united front. a rehearsal dinner and wedding is SANE. no more. I would put a stop to all else. but that's me.

she is going to be so tired and stressed - this is not ok.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Date: 7/8/2006 9:19:44 PM
Author: ladykemma
oooohhhhhhhh,. chicago. yup, up north. it''s a regional thang.

see I have northern half of my extended familly - new york/ new jersey area. I think 5 dollars a plate they think 100 dollars a plate.

I agree, but I also think more to do with Jackie''s FMIL''s personality. Also, in my experience NY/NJ is more over the top than Chicago sometimes. My FF recently moved to Jersey from the sweet-home-chicago suburbs, and very quickly he noticed how much more dramatic everything is out east.

either way, JAS has some boundary setting to do because i don''t think fiance will do it.
edited to add: actually they need to meet, make some decisions, and then present a united front. a rehearsal dinner and wedding is SANE. no more. I would put a stop to all else. but that''s me.

she is going to be so tired and stressed - this is not ok.

She already is tired and stressed...Poor girl...She''s not even enjoying the wedding planning process you know? I really hope Jackie''s fiance will step up and help her out. This has been screaming insanity to me since the beginning.

Jas~how are you doing darlin? Let us know how it''s going, and tell your wonderful man to do everyone a favor and tame his mother!!!

 

[galeteia]

Date: 7/8/2006 8:02:30 PM
Author: Gypsy
OH GOD!


A roast?


I have to tell you. I admire you. My fiance would be roasting over a spit somewhere in the wilds of South America after I sold him into white slavery if it were me.


There is NO FREAKING WAY I would put up with this.


Put your foot down. Put Bigfoot''s foot down.


This is your freaking wedding. NOT this insane woman''s. Seriously. My Fiance would be in so much trouble for reigning in his crazy-arsed mother.


THIS IS NOT OKAY.

Amen, sistah!

 

[flopkins]

Date: 7/8/2006 5:29:10 PM
Author: jas

She said, and these words are seared into my mind, ''Oh, a poem, a skit, a song, a speech...be as nasty as you want.''

This is where you can prepare a well rehearsed speech/song/skit/poem about people who LOVE TO SHOW OFF HOW WEALTHY THEY ARE AND FLAUNT IT!!!!!

Jas, I really don''t have much more advice than already has been given.... but I hope you have a heart to heart w/your FI about how all of this makes you feel... and hopefully work out a compromise to all of these ridiculous pre-parties.

 

[jas]

I only have a moment on the computer, and I want to thank everyone for their support. Right now, I just wish it were the week after my wedding (I''d say the day after, but apparently there''s a lot of hullabaloo then, too)

I had a long talk with my FI last night. Suffice it to say, it didn''t help much. He just doesn''t get it and there''s only so much I can say "nicely" without totally insulting his entire family, which I don''t think is the way to go here.

Again, it has meant the world to me to read your responses...many of which just made me laugh outright (and boy did I need that)

I will post later today if I can (tomorrow definitely) and fill y''all in.

And, by the way, I am originally from NJ. How funny is that???

Hugs,
Jackie

 

[diamondfan]

JAS, I skimmed the thread and just want to say I am sorry you have stress about this. I do think, having had in law issues, that it is a bit tacky to try to upstage the wedding. I had a similar issue when I got married. My mom hosted a series of engagment parties the February of the year of our wedding, which would be in August of the same year. (We had gotten engaged the December before). Luckily my mother was left very well off financially and she was happy to throw these parties, over a weekend, for people to come and share with us. I was the first of all the kids in my family to get married so it was a big deal. Also, my in laws were struggling financially so we did not expect much from them. My wedding was in a very nice hotel in Los Angeles, and we also had dinners planned Thursday, Fri and a brunch Sunday before the wedding (we got married on Sunday night at 6:00 pm so we had brunch that day for the guests from out of town). Since his parents really could not contribute much, we were not sure if they were going to do the rehearsal dinner or not, which was going to be on Sat night. We left it open, but my mom made her plans for all the event she was doing MONTHS in advance. She decided for the Friday night dinner to be at our home. She arranged for a very elegant Spanish restaurant to cater it, with strolling mariachis and lights strung up etc, really lovely and elegant but low key. She booked it in March. The months pass, and something like mid JULY (our weddng was August 12th) my in laws decide that yes, they can do a rehearsal dinner. My father in law (now deceased) says, we are going to El Chollo...the SAME place my mom is having cater the night before at my house! My father in law proceeds to be an absolute jerk about it. I inform him that she has booked this since MARCH, it is now JULY and they have not even firmed it up, so can they not chose something else?! Two nights in a row the same food? He got so ego involved, and said, well, this would be AT the restaurant, not at your home etc, being really jerky, and wanting MY MOM to change HER plans. I got so pissed and I said, Hey, she paid all the money already. SHE planned this months ago. Until JUST NOW you were not even sure what if anything you were doing, and she was willing, on top of everything else (including paying for the entire wedding, in which she split the guest list 50 50 with my in laws and had to exclude certain people due to size limitations on the hotel's end) to do something Saturday night as well, if they could not manage...and he has not even booked it or anything, yet HE thinks she should change HER plans? He was upset about it and thought people would think it was weird...I said, who will know that you both picked the same spot unless YOU are tacky enough to discuss it...just pick another venue and be gracious! I was sooooo ticked that I could barely speak to either one of them (future mother in law and father in law) because they were being so ungracious...I guess weddings just seem to bring out the bad in people sometimes, unfortunate but true...

As for the roast? NO WAY. Not even a bit appropriate, to me. I would try to tell her this, that the idea, while you know is fine with his side, makes you uncomfortable and really just does not feel celebratory to you. Does your fiance know she said to be MEAN? Honestly, not okay or pleasant to watch, I would think it would make the guests uncomfortable as well..GOOD LUCK and hugs to you...

 

[Fancy605]

Wow. That is quite a bittersweet predicament. I mean it would be nice to have someone throw so many parties in your honor, but---sometimes enough is enough (especially if you begin to suspect they are more for the advancement of the social status of the hostess rather than to honor your union). Plus, not all of us were built for that kind of social pressure. It seems like the in-laws are making it more about the even itself than the actual marriage. I am sure they mean well and all, but they aren''t being sensitive to the fact that you are wired a little differently than they are and don''t need all those expensive parties and CERTAINLY don''t need to be embarassed at your rehersal dinner.

If I were in your shoes, I think I''d just Elope!

Please just don''t let it ruin your wedding day. That''ll be the one event of the whole ordeal that is truely going to be your thing, and it is going to be lovely and amazing no matter what other events surround it.

 

[jas]

I want to thank you all again for all of your support. It''s hard for me to come to PS sometimes because I well up at all the "I''m having so much fun planning/oooh, look at my...." when I''m in the pits.

So, overall, wedding planning is progressing well. I have tastings next week at the 2 catering vendors we''ve narrowed it down to, and both menus rival any of the phenomenal Chicago restaurants we have. My first dress fitting is in two weeks. (I can''t wait to take pictures because I think it is the most beautiful gown in the world. I''m biased, of course.) We have a band and an amazing Zen-like photographer. The invites are simple and the proof is coming tomorrow (and yes, I was gracious and said My Parents invite you to the wedding of me to my groom SON OF FILs.)

And yet, I''m still not whooping it up. It still feels like one party in a string of parties. My family is still being hit with a barrage of anger from my sister (depression and rage issues) and my mother feels she has to keep up with the Joneses...

My parents are hosting a simple day-after brunch. It was suggested by our wedding planner that we hook up the invites so there is only one invite for rehearsal dinner and brunch (saves paper, postage, and people won''t be inundated with mail)...FMIL nixed it -- she wants her own "elegant" invites, and the brunch can be "fun" invites. Besides...she has a meal preference reply card for the rehearsal dinner. I could gag.

FI and I offered to have the brunch at our home (it''s spacious enough) but my mom thinks it''s not nice enough, and since this is on their part of the "bill" (we''ve divvied up finances) it''s their call.

FMIL told my mom that most of HER side will NOT be attending the brunch..."it''s too much for one weekend") My mom is hurt by that, because when we tried to limit the list for the RD, FMIL read us the etiquette riot act.

Yes I will be roasted at the RD...my dear FI assures me that he will be getting most of the ribbing (which I still feel is out of place) but I don''t want people joking about how we met...I''m very sensitive about having met online as there is still a stigma attached...and I don''t think it''s fodder for jokes.

Right now, I believe I get the last word at the RD...in addition to giving the attendants gifts, I think I will say very little...keep it simple, not funny, but thank everyone for coming and good night. I refuse to acknowledge the skits, songs, etc. other than saying thank you.

Still about 6 parties to attend...all but one hosted by his side (my one is my shower)...3 of which will have formal invites. Good lord, even I''m getting sick of my own nuptuals.

I wish I could get over feeling my special day is tarnished, but I seem to be perseverating on that and need to get over it. Hopefully I will.

But, as I said, I am pretty darned jazzed about the food! And the cake! Ooh, girl, the cake is gonna rock. They are doing a FAUX CAKE -- one real layer for the cutting and then phony layers...sky high...then guests are going to have a choice of 4 different types of cake, cut in the back. I''m all about the cake.

But, of course, if FMIL serves cake at the RD, and I wouldn''t put it past her, this will make me a little cranky...er...crankier. Dang it, I hope she''s not serving cake.

This is so sad because normally this is NOT like me. When did I become such a crankypants?

And for all of you who said Eloping is a good option -- you''re darn right it is!!!!

 

[cara]

First off, I totally sympathize with feeling so stressed by various aspects of the wedding planning that it takes the fun & charm out of getting married. And one big way that happens is when there are road blocks being put up in the way of _your vision_ of how things can go.

And while I am in no way excusing your FMIL for being at least inconsiderate of your feelings (and at worst actively trying to upset you by planning more than you want) there are a few things you migth want to consider:

1) Embrace the large rehersal dinner as an opportunity to see many folks that you care about enough to invite them to your wedding. Who cares if it is a ton of people and not an intimate group. The wedding is often a blur, the bride and groom have tons to do and many people to see - it all goes too fast. The rehersal is your chance to talk to folks for more than 1 minute at a time. Who cares if your side is invited but cant or chooses not to make it. They are all adults and can turn down or accept the invite as they please. While your FMIL might have all kinds of motivations for subjecting you to more party than you want, most of the *guests* at the rehersal will be there to celebrate with you and your FI. Embrace this opportunity.

2) If they do roast too much or say inappropriate things, trust me, it is they and not you who will look bad. I have seen a couple a absolutely killer RD speeches where the speaker just digs himself a nice big hole of embarrassment and jumps in, and the subject of their speech comes out smelling like roses. OK, everyone has to experience a bit of an awkward moment during the speech, but most people are in a very generous mood at weddings.

3) Good food served at your wedding will not be diminished by better food served the night before. Even if both are Italian. And while it might not make you feel better, the nature of the beast is that I almost expect RD food to be better than wedding food. Lots of things besides food go into choosing wedding location (view, dance floor, privacy, proximity to ceremony), while the rehersal dinners are often smaller & at nice restaurants and its just more likely to produce exceptional food.

4) The price you pay for being traditional (and prideful as you say, in having only you your parents pay for and plan the wedding) is in accepting your FMIL choices in the traditional role of throwing the rehersal. Maybe she just really wishes that she could double your wedding budget and go to town planning a much grander wedding, but instead her son is getting married on your budget, and you don''t want her "help". I''m not saying that you are at all out of line or wrong in this choice, just that maybe it will be easier to stomach her choices if you just remind yourself that you got to plan her son''s wedding with much less of her involvement than she would have liked. Not that this obliges you to attend 20 pre-parties and whatnot, but... You chose to limit her contributions to wedding planning, you are choosing to throw a simple day after brunch when you don''t have to have a brunch at all, so try to let go on the RD.

Anyway, heres hoping you can come back to the joyful side of wedding planning (its hard, I know!) before the time comes, and not focus too much on the parts that aren''t what you would have chosen...

 

[jas]

Thank you, Cara. Those are truly wise words...I really need to give my guests some credit, eh? I do need to let go of trying to have my vision stamped all over this...it''s a joint venture, I guess.

I really appreciate what you said. Please know that I hear you and am taking you to heart. And you said everything so nicely! I really felt what you are saying.

You gave me pause with what you said about FMIL wanting to have a role in this. I guess that''s hard for me to understand (although I will work on it) because she''s planned her daughters'' wedding and I guess I''ve been viewing her RD plans through a lens of "it''s not her wedding and she''s turning it into one." I still feel that way, if I am being honest, but as other posters noted, I can''t really do anything about. FMIL offered to pay only if our guests numbered over 250, which they haven''t.

Yes, we did decide to do a brunch. The original plan was for FI and I to have folks over for eggs...my mom is rather intimidated by FMIL''s money (Mom thinks they are "society" -- something I am blissfully unaware of...or was)...which is a separate issue which colors a lot of the decisions we''re making.

Yes, I am being prideful...you are right. I need to keep that in check.

Thank you again!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Hey Jas, I don't have much more to add but I'm glad you checked in! All I can say is I would be very nervous/apprehensive if I were in your position, so I don't think you're overreacting. I would not like to be made fun of at my RD although I should be used to that sort of thing. Irish Catholics mixed with alcohol you know? I can see your reservations...if it makes you feel at all better, my bf and I met online also (something we both swore we'd never do) and sometimes we're still reluctant to tell others how we came to be for the same reason you mentioned earlier. Cara does have a point though...try to embrace the time to spend with your guests. If the roasting goes too far, it won't be reflected on you or your marriage. We know that you've run into road blocks since you've gotten engaged, but you've also said that you pushed up the date and tried to not go over-the-top because the lifelong marriage is more important than the one wedding day. Focus on that...in a few months you'll be married to your guy and you'll live happily ever after! Hope that helps sweetie!

 

[bookworm21]

Wow....what a....difficult FMIL. I''m sure she''s a lovely person, but from what you''ve just shared, I''ve got no other words other than wow. Vent away, no one will think you''re an ungrateful wench. I, for one, think you have been extremely patient. Situations like this are like walking on eggshells, take one wrong step and you''ll have no idea how many people are going to wind up hurt or offended.

Just remember that your wedding day is YOURS, and no one can take that away from you. Enjoy it and try not to stress out too much over the details, because that will definitely take the fun out of that day.

If you need to vent again, the forum is here for a reason, so come back and vent. Better than tearing your hair out or punching a hole in the wall!